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A 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK, 

FROM  THE 

BEGINNING  OF  THE  WORLD  TO  THE  END  OF 
THE  DUTCH  DYNASTY ; 

CONTAINING,  AMONG  MANY  SURPRISING  AND  CDEIODS  MATTERS, 


THE  UNUTTERABLE  PONDERINGS  OF  WALTER  THE  DOUBTER,  THE 
DISASTROUS  PROJECTS  OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY,  AND  THE 
CHIVALRIC  ACHIEVEMENTS  OF  PETER  THE  HEAD- 
STRONG— THE  THREE  DUTCH  GOVERNORS  OF  NEW 
AMSTERDAM:  BEING  THE  ONLY  AUTHEN- 
TIC HISTORY  OF  THE  TIMES  THAT 
EVER  HATH  BEEN  OR  EVER 
WILL  BE  PUBLISHED. 


By  DIEDRICH  KNICKERBOCKER. 


De  waarheid  die  in  duister  lag, 

Die  komt  met  klaarheid  aan  den  dag. 


THE  AUTHOR’S  REVISED  EDITION,  COMPLETE  IN  ONE  VOLUME. 


NEW  YORK  : 

A.  L.  BURT,  PUBLISHER, 


VI  m: hi i 

. 


REMOTE  STORAGE 


W&V 


CONTENTS. 


Page 

The  Author’s  Apology xi 

Original  Advertisements xv 

Account  of  the  Author xvii 

Address  to  the  Public xxvii 


BOOK  I. 

' containing  divers  ingenious  theories  and  philosophic 

SPECULATIONS,  CONCERNING  THE  CREATION  AND  POPULATION 
OF  THE  WORLD,  AS  CONNECTED  WITH  THE  HISTORY  OF  NEW 


YORK. 

X Chapter  I. — Description  of  the  World 1 

^ Chapter  II. — Cosmogony,  or  Creation  of  the  World;  with  a mul- 
titude of  excellent  theories,  by  which  the  creation  of  a 
world  is  shown  to  be  no  such  difficult  matter  as  common  folk 
would  imagine 7 


Chapter  III. — How  that  famous  navigator,  Noah,  was  shame- 
fully nicknamed;  and  how  he  committed  an  unpardonable 
oversight  in  not  having  four  sons.  With  the  great 
trouble  of  philosophers  caused  thereby,  and  the  discovery 


of  America . . 14 

Chapter  IV. — Showing  the  great  difficulty  Philosophers  have 
had  in  peopling  America — and  how  the  Aborigines  came  to 
be  begotten  by  accident — to  the  great  relief  and  satisfaction 
of  the  Author 19 

Chapter  V. — In  which  the  Author  puts  a mighty  question  to 
the  rout,  by  the  assistance  of  the  Man  in  the  Moon — which 
not  only  delivers  thousands  of  people  from  great  embarrass- 
ment, but  likewise  concludes  this  introductory  book 25 

BOOK  II. 


TREATING  OF  THE  FIRST  SETTLEMENT  OF  THE  PROVINCE  OF 
NIEUW  NEDERLANDTS. 

Chapter  I. — In  which  are  contained  divers  reasons  why  a man 
should  not  write  in  a hurry — also  of  Master  Hendrick  Hud- 

. I I 4628  I 


IV 


CONTENTS. 


Page 

son,  liis  discovery  of  a strange  country — and  Low  Le  was 
magnificently  rewarded  by  the  munificence  of  tbeir  Higb 
Mightinesses 37 

Chapter  II. — Containing  an  account  of  a mighty  Ark  which 
floated,  under  the  protection  of  St.  Nicholas,  from  Holland 
to  Gibbet  Island — the  descent  of  the  strange  animals  there- 
from— a great  victory,  and  a description  of  the  ancient  vil- 
lage of  Communipaw 46 

Chapter  III. — In  which  is  set  forth  the  true  art  of  making  a bar- 
gain— together  with  the  miraculous  escape  of  a great  Me- 
tropolis in  a fog — and  the  biography  of  certain  heroes  of  Com- 
munipaw  51 

Chapter  IV. — How  the  heroes  of  Communipaw  voyaged  to  Hell- 

gate,  and  how  they  were  received  there 57 

Chapter  V. — How  the  heroes  of  Communipaw  returned  some- 
what wiser  than  they  went — and  how  the  sage  Oloffe 
dreamed  a dream — and  the  dream  that  he  dreamed 66 

Chapter  VI. — Containing  an  attempt  at  etymology — and  of  the 

founding  of  the  great  city  of  New  Amsterdam 70 

Chapter  VII. — How  the  people  of  Pavonia  migrated  from  Com- 
munipaw to  the  Island  of  Manna-hata — and  how  Oloffe  the 
Dreamer  proved  himself  a great  land  speculator 72 

Chapter  VIII. — Of  the  founding  and  naming  of  the  new  City — 
of  the  City  Arms;  and  of  the  direful  feud  between  Ten 
Breeches  and  Tough  Breeches 75 

Chapter  IX. — How  the  City  of  New  Amsterdam  waxed  great 
under  the  protection  of  St.  Nicholas  and  the  absence  of  laws 
and  statutes — how  Oloffe  the  Dreamer  began  to  dream 
of  an  extension  of  Empire,  and  of  the  effect  of  his  dreams. . 80 

BOOK  III. 

IN  WHICH  IS  RECORDED  THE  GOLDEN  REIGN  OF  WOUTER  VAN 
TWILLER. 

Chapter  I. — Of  the  renowned  Wouter  Van  T wilier,  his  unparal- 
leled virtues — as  likewise  his  unutterable  wisdom  in  the 
law  case  of  Wandle  Schoonhoven  and  Barent  Bleecker — and 
the  great  admiration  of  the  public  thereat 85 

Chapter  II. — Containing  some  account  of  the  grand  council  of 
New  Amsterdam,  as  also  divers  especial  good  philosophical 
reasons  why  an  Alderman  should  be  fat — with  other  particu- 
lars touching  the  state  of  the  province 92 


CONTENTS . 


V 

Page 


Chapter  III. — How  the  town  of  New  Amsterdam  arose  out  of 
mud,  and  came  to  be  marvelously  polished  and  polite;  together 
with  a picture  of  the  manners  of  our  great-great-grand- 
fathers  100 

Chapter  IV. — Containing  further  particulars  of  the  Golden 
Age,  and  what  constituted  a fine  Lady  and  Gentleman  in  the 
days  of  Walter  the  Doubter 106 

Chapter  V. — Of  the  founding  of  Fort  Aurania — of  the  mys- 
teries of  the  Hudson — of  the  arrival  of  the  Patroon  Killian 
Van  Rensellaer;  his  lordly  descent  upon  the  earth,  and  his 
introduction  of  club  law Ill 

Chapter  VI. — In  which  the  reader  is  beguiled  into  a delecta- 
ble walk,  which  ends  very  differently  from  what  it  com- 
menced  114 


Chapter  VII. — Faithfully  describing  the  ingenious  people  of 
Connecticut  and  thereabouts — showing,  moreover  the  true 
meaning  of  liberty  of  conscience,  and  a curious  device  among 
these  sturdy  barbarians  to  keep  up  a harmony  of  intercourse 


and  promote  population 118 

Chapter  VIII. — How  these  singular  barbarians  turned  out  to 
be  notorious  squatters.  How  they  built  air-castles,  and  at- 
tempted to  initiate  the  Nederlandters  in  the  mystery  of  bund- 
ling  122 

Chapter  IX. — How  the  Fort  Goed  Hoop  was  fearfully  be- 
leaguered— how  the  renowned  Wouter  fell  into  a profound 
doubt,  and  how  he  finally  evaporated 126 


BOOK  IV. 

CONTAINING  THE  CHRONICLES  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  WILLIAM  THE 

TESTY. 


Chapter  I. — Showing  the  nature  of  history  in  general;  con- 
taining furthermore  the  universal  acquirements  of  William 
the  Testy,  and  how  a man  may  learn  so  much  as  to  render 
himself  good  for  nothing 131 

Chapter  II. — How  William  the  Testy  undertook  to  conquer  by 
proclamation — how  he  was  a great  man  abroad,  but  a little 
man  in  his  own  house 136 

Chapter  III. — In  which  are  recorded  the  sage  projects  of  a 
ruler  of  universal  genius — the  art  of  fighting  by  proclama- 
tion— and  how  that  the  valiant  Jacobus  Van  Curlet  came  to 
be  foully  dishonored  at  Fort  Goed  Hoop 139 


vi  CONTENTS . 

Page 

Chapter  IV. — Containing  tlie  fearful  wratli  of  William  tlie 
Testy,  and  the  alarm  of  New  Amsterdam — how  the  Governor 
did  strongly  fortify  the  City — of  Antony  the  Trumpeter, 
and  the  windy  addition  to  the  armorial  bearings  of  New  Am- 
sterdam   148 


Chapter  V. — Of  the  jurisprudence  of  William  the  Testy,  and 

his  admirable  expedients  for  the  suppression  of  Poverty 147 

Chapter  VI. — Projects  of  William  the  Testy  for  increasing  the 
currrency — he  is  outwitted  by  the  Yankees — The  great 
Oyster  War v 151 


Chapter  VII. — Growing  discontents  of  New  Amsterdam  under 
the  goverment  of  William  the  Testy 155 

Chapter  VIII. — The  edict  of  William  the  Testy  against  To- 
bacco— of  the  Pipe  Plot,  and  the  rise  of  the  Feuds  and  Parties  157 

Chapter  IX. — Of  the  folly  of  being  happy  in  the  time  of  pros- 
perity— of  troubles  to  the  South  brought  on  by  annexation 
— of  the  secret  expedition  of  Jan  Jansen  Alpendam,  and  his 
magnificent  reward. ...  161 


Chapter  X. — Troublous  times  on  the  Hudson — how  Killian  Van 
Rensellaer  erected  a feudal  castle,  and  how  he  introduced 
club-law  into  the  province 165 


Chapter  XI. — Of  the  diplomatic  mission  of  Antony  the  Trum- 
peter to  the  Fortress  of  Rensellaerstein — and  how  he  was 
puzzled  by  a cabalistic  reply 168 


Chapter  XII. — Containing  the  rise  of  the  great  Amphictyonic 
Council  of  the  Pilgrims,  with  the  decline  and  final  extinct- 
ion of  William  the  Testy 171 


BOOK  V. 

CONTAINING  THE  FIRST  PART  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  PETER  STUY- 
VESANT,  AND  HIS  TROUBLES  WITH  THE  AMPHICTYONIC  COUN- 
CIL. 

Chapter  I. — In  which  the  death  of  a great  man  is  shown  to  be 
no  very  inconsolable  matter  of  sorrow — and  how  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant  acquired  a great  name  from  the  uncommon  strength 


of  his  head 176 

Chapter  II. — Showing  how  Peter  the  Headstrong  bestirred  him- 
self among  the  rats  and  cobwebs  on  entering  into  office;  his 
interview  with  Antony  the  Trumpeter,  and  his  perilous 
meddling  with  the  currency 18$ 


CONTENTS. 


vii 

Page 


Chapter  III. — How  the  Yankee  League  waxed  more  and  more 
potent;  and  how  it  outwitted  the  good  Peter  in  treaty  - 
making 186 

Chapter  IV. — Containing  divers  speculations — showing  that  a 
treaty  of  peace  is  a great  national  evil 191 

Chapter  V. — How  Peter  Stuyvesant  was  grievously  belied  by 
the  great  council  of  the  league;  and  how  he  sent  Antony 
the  Trumpeter  to  take  to  the  council  a piece  of  his  mind. .. . 197 

Chapter  VI. — How  Peter  Stuyvesant  demanded  a court  of 
honor — and  of  the  court  of  honor  awarded  to  him 201 

Chapter  VII. — How  “ Drum  Ecclesiastic  ” was  beaten  through- 
out Connecticut  for  a crusade  against  the  New  Netherlands, 
and  how  Peter  Stuyvesant  took  measures  to  fortify  his 
Capital 203 

Chapter  VIII. — How  the  Yankee  crusade  against  the  New 
Netherlands  was  baffled  by  the  sudden  outbreak  of  witch- 
craft among  the  people  of  the  East 207 


Chapter  IX. — Which  records  the  rise  and  renown  of  a Military 
Commander,  showing  that  a man,  like  a bladder,  may  be 
puffed  up  to  greatness  by  mere  wind;  together  with  the 
catastrophe  of  a veteran  and  his  queue 211 


BOOK  VI. 

CONTAINING  THE  SECOND  PART  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  PETER  THE 
HEADSTRONG,  AND  HIS  GALLANT  ACHIEVEMENTS  ON  THE  DELA- 
WARE. 


Chapter  I. — In  which  is  exhibited  a warlike  Portrait  of  the 
great  Peter — of  the  windy  contest  of  General  Van  Poffen- 
burgli  and  General  Printz,  and  of  the  Mosquito  War  on  the 
Delaware 217 

Chapter  II. — Of  Jan  Risingh,  his  giantly  person  and  crafty 

deeds;  and  of  the  catastrophe  at  Fort  Casimir 222 

Chapter  III. — Showing  how  profound  secrets  are  often 
brought  to  light;  with  the  proceedings  of  Peter  the  Head- 
strong when  he  heard  of  the  misfortunes  of  General  Van 
Poffenburgh 227 

Chapter  IV. — Containing  Peter  Stuyvesant’s  Voyage  up  the 
Hudson,  and  the  wonders  and  delights  of  that  renowned 
river 233 


Till 


CONTENTS . 


Page 


Chapter  V. — Describing  the  powerful  Army  tliat  assembled  at 
tbe  City  of  New  Amsterdam — together  with  the  interview 
between  Peter  the  Headstrong  and  General  Van  Poffen- 
burgh,  and  Peter’s  sentiments  touching  unfortunate  great 
men 239 

Chapter  VI. — In  which  the  Author  discourses  very  ingeniously 
of  himself — after  which  is  to  be  found  much  interesting 
history  about  Peter  the  Headstrong  and  his  followers 245 


Chapter  VII. — Showing  the  great  advantage  that  the  Author 


has  over  his  Reader  in  time  of  Battle — together  with  divers 
portentous  movements;  which  betoken  that  something  ter- 
rible is  about  to  happen 252 

Chapter  VIII. — Containing  the  most  horrible  battle  ever  re- 
corded in  poetry  or  prose;  with  the  admirable  exploits  of  Pe- 
ter the  Headstrong 258 

Chapter  IX. — In  which  the  Author  and  the  Reader,  while  re- 
posing after  the  battle,  fall  into  a very  grave  discourse,  af- 
ter which  is  recorded  the  conduct  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  after 
his  victory 267 


BOOK  VII. 

CONTAINING  THE  THIRD  PART  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  PETER  THE  HEAD- 
STRONG— HIS  TROUBLES  WITH  THE  BRITISH  NATION,  AND  THE 
DECLINE  AND  FALL  OF  THE  DUTCH  DYNASTY. 

Chapter  I. — How  Peter  Stuyvesant  relieved  the  Sovereign  Peo- 
ple from  the  burden  of  taking  care  of  the  nation;  with  sun- 
dry particulars  of  his  conduct  in  the  time  of  peace,  and  of 
the  rise  of  a great  Dutch  aristocracy 274 

Chapter  II. — How  Peter  Stuyvesant  labored  to  civilize  the 
community — how  he  was  a great  promoter  of  holidays — how 


he  instituted  kissing  on  New  Year’s  Day — how  he  distribu- 
ted fiddles  throughout  the  New  Netherlands — how  he  ven- 
tured to  reform  the  ladies’  petticoats,  and  how  he  caught  a 
tarter  280 

Chapter  III. — How  troubles  thicken  on  the  province — how  it  is 
threatened  by  the  Helderbergers,  the  Merrylanders  and  the 
Giants  of  the  Susquehanna 284 

Chapter  IV. — How  Peter  Stuyvesant  adventured  into  the  East 

Country,  and  how  he  fared  there 287 

Chapter  V. — How  the  Yankees  secretly  sought  the  aid  of  the 
British  Cabinet  in  their  hostile  schemes  against  the  Man- 
hattoes 293 


CONTENTS.  ix 

Page 

Chapter  VI. — Of  Peter  Stuyvesant’s  Expedition  into  the  East 
Country,  showing  that,  though  an  old  bird,  he  did  not  un- 
derstand trap 295 

Chapter  VII. — How  the  people  of  New  Amsterdam  were 
thrown  into  a great  panic  by  the  news  of  the  threatened  in- 
vasion, and  the  manner  in  which  they  fortified  them- 
selves  299 

Chapter  VIII. — How  the  Grand  Council  of  the  New  Nether- 
lands were  miraculously  gifted  with  long  tongues  in  the 
moment  of  emergency — showing  the  value  of  words  in  war- 
fare  302 

Chapter  IX. — In  which  the  troubles  of  New  Amsterdam  appear 
to  thicken — showing  the  bravery  in  time  of  peril  of  a people 
who  defend  themselves  by  resolutions 306 

Chapter  X. — Containing  a doleful  disaster  of  Antony  the 
Trumpeter — and  how  Peter  Stuy  vesant,  like  a second  Crom- 
well, suddenly  dissolved  a Rump  Parliament 312 

Chapter  XI. — How  Peter  Stuy  vesant  defended  the  city  of  New 
Amsterdam  for  several  days,  by  dint  of  the  strength  of  his 
head 316 

Chapter  XII. — Containing  the  dignified  retirement  and  mortal 
surrender  of  Peter  the  Headstrong 322 

Chapter  XIII. — The  Author’s  reflections  upon  what  has  been 
said 327 


/ 


THE  AUTHOR’S  APOLOGY. 


The  following  work,  in  which  at  the  outset,  nothing 
more  was  contemplated  than  a temporary  yew  d’ esprit,  was 
commenced  in  company  with  my  brother,  the  late  Peter 
Irving,  Esq.  Our  idea  was  to  parody  a small  hand-book 
which  had  recently  appeared  entitled  “A  Picture  of  New 
York.”  Like  that,  our  work  was  to  begin  with  an  historical 
sketch;  to  be  followed  by  notices  of  the  customs,  manners, 
and  institutions  of  the  city;  written  in  a serio-comic  vein, 
and  treating  local  errors,  follies,  and  abuses  with  good- 
humored  satire. 

To  burlesque  the  pedantic  lore  displayed  in  certain 
American  works  our  historical  sketch  was  to  commence 
with  the  creation  of  the  world;  and  we  laid  all  kinds  of 
works  under  contribution  for  trite  citations,  relevant  or  ir- 
relevant, to  give,  it  the  proper  air  of  learned  research. 
Before  this  crude  mass  of  mock  erudition  could  be  digested 
into  form  my  brother  departed  for  Europe,  and  I was  left 
to  prosecute  the  enterprise  alone. 

I now  altered  the  plan  of  the  work.  Discarding  all  idea 
of  aparody  on  the  “Picture  of  New  York,” I determined  that 
what  had  been  originally  intended  as  an  introductory  sketch 
should  comprise  the  whole  work  and  form  a comic  history 
of  the  city.  I accordingly  molded  the  mass  of  citations 
and  disquisitions  into  introductory  chapters  forming  the 
first  book;  but  it  soon  became  evident  to  me  that,  like 
Kobinson  Crusoe  with  his  boat,  I had  begun  on  too  large  a 
scale,  and  that  to  launch  my  history  successfully  I must 
reduce  its  proportions.  I accordingly  resolved  to  confine 


Xll 


THE  A U THORS  APOLOGY. 


it  to  the  period  of  the  Dutch  domination  which,  in  its  rise, 
progress  and  decline,  presented  that  unity  of  subject  re- 
quired by  classic  rule.  It  was  a period,  also,  at  that  time 
almost  a terra  incognita  in  history.  In  fact  I was  surprised 
to  find  how  few  of  my  fellow-citizens  were  aware  that  New 
York  had  ever  been  called  New  Amsterdam,  or  had  heard 
of  the  names  of  its  early  Dutch  governors,  or  cared  a straw 
about  their  ancient  Dutch  progenitors. 

This  then,  broke  upon  me  as  the  poetic  age  of  our  city — 
poetic  from  its  very  obscurity,  and  open  like  the  early  and 
obscure  days  of  ancient  Home,  to  all  the  embellishments  of 
heroic  fiction.  I hailed  my  native  city  as  fortunate  above 
all  other  American  cities  in  having  an  antiquity  thus  ex- 
tending back  into  the  regions  of  doubt  and  fable;  neither 
did  I conceive  I was  committing  any  grievous  historical  sin 
in  helping  out  the  few  facts  I could  collect  in  this  remote 
and  forgotten  region  with  figments  of  my  own  brain,  or  in 
giving  characteristic  attributes  to  the  few  names  connected 
with  it  which  I might  dig  up  from  oblivion. 

In  this,  doubtless,  I reasoned  like  a young  aud  inex- 
perienced writer,  besotted  with  his  own  fancies;  and  my 
presumptuous  trespasses  into  this  sacred,  though  neglected 
region  of  history  have  met  with  deserved  rebuke  from  men 
of  soberer  minds.  It  is  too  late,  however,  to  recall  the  shaft 
thus  rashly  launched.  To  any  one  whose  sense  of  fitness  it 
may  wound  I can  only  say  with  Hamlet: 

Let  my  disclaiming  from  a purposed  evil 
Free  me  so  far  in  your  most  generous  thoughts, 

That  I have  shot  my  arrow  o’er  the  house, 

And  hurt  my  brother. 

I will  say  this  in  further  apology  for  my  work,  that  if  it 
has  taken  an  unwarrantable  liberty  with  our  early  provincial 
history,  it  has  at  least  turned  attention  to  that  history  and 
provoked  research.  It  is  only  since  this  work  appeared 
that  the  forgotten  archives  of  the  province  have  peen  rum- 


THE  AUTHORS  APOLOGY. 


xm 


maged,  and  the  facts  and  personages  of  the  olden  time 
rescued  from  the  dust  of  oblivion  and  elevated  into  what- 
ever importance  they  may  actually  possess. 

The  main  object  of  my  work,  in  fact,  had  a bearing  wide 
from  the  sober  aim  of  history,  but  one  which,  I trust,  will 
meet  with  some  indulgence  from  poetic  minds.  It  was  to 
embody  the  traditions  of  our  city  in  an  amusing  form;  to 
illustrate  its  local  humors,  customs,  and  peculiarities;  to 
clothe  home  scenes,  and  places,  and  familiar  names  with 
those  imaginative  and  whimsical  associations  so  seldom  met 
with  in  our  new  country,  but  which  live  like  charms  and 
spells  about  the  cities  of  the  Old  World,  binding  the  heart 
of  the  native  inhabitant  to  his  home. 

In  this  I have  reason  to  believe  I have  in  some  measure 
succeeded.  Before  the  appearance  of  my  work  the  popular 
traditions  of  our  city  were  unrecorded;  the  peculiar  and 
racy  customs  and  usages  derived  from  our  Dutch  progeni- 
tors were  unnoticed,  or  regarded  with  indifference,  or 
adverted  to  with  a sneer.  Now  they  form  a convivial  cur- 
rency, and  are  brought  forward  on  all  occasions;  they  link 
our  whole  community  together  in  good  humor  and  good 
fellowship;  they  are  the  rallying-points  of  home  feeling, 
the  seasoning  of  our  civic  festivities,  the  staple  of  local 
tales  and  local  pleasantries;  and  are  so  harped  upon  by 
our  writers  of  popular  fiction  that  I find  myself  almost 
crowded  off  the  legendary  ground  which  I was  the  first  to 
explore  by  the  host  who  have  followed  in  my  footsteps. 

I dwell  on  this  head  because,  at  the  first  appearance  of 
my  work,  its  aim  and  drift  were  misapprehended  by  some 
of  the  descendants  of  the  Dutch  worthies,  and  because  I 
understand  that  now  and  then  one  may  still  be  found  to 
regard  it  with  a captious  eye.  The  far  greater  part,  how- 
ever, I have  reason  to  flatter  myself,  receive  my  good- 
humored  picturings  in  the  same  temper  which  they  were 
executed;  and  when  I find,  after  a lapse  of  nearly  forty 
years,  this  haphazard  production  of  my  youth  still  cher- 


xiv 


THE  A U THOR'S  APOLOG  Y. 


ished  among  them;  when  I find  its  very  name  become  a 
“household  word"  and  used  to  give  the  home  stamp  to 
everything  recommended  for  popular  acceptation,  such  as 
Knickerbocker  societies;  Knickerbocker  insurance  com- 
panies; Knickerbocker  steamboats;  Knickerbocker  omni- 
buses; Knickerbocker  bread;  and  Knickerbocker  ice:  and 
when  I find  New  Yorkers  of  Dutch  descent  priding  them- 
selves upon  being  “ genuine  Knickerbockers,"  I please 
myself  with  the  persuasion  that  I have  struck  the  right 
chord;  that  my  dealings  with  the  good  old  Dutch  times, 
and  the  customs  and  usages  derived  from  them,  are  in  har- 
mony with  the  feelings  and  humors  of  my  townsmen;  that 
I have  opened  a vin  of  pleasant  associations  and  quaint 
characteristics  peculiar  to  my  native  place,  and  which  its 
inhabitants  will  not  willingly  suffer  to  pass  away;  and 
that,  though  other  histories  of  New  York  may  appear  of 
higher  claims  to  learned  acceptation,  and  may  take  their 
dignified  and  appropriate  rank  in  the  family  library,  Knicker- 
bocker's history  will  still  be  received  with  good-humored 
indulgence,  and  be  thumbed  and  chuckled  over  by  the 
family  fireside. 


Sunnyside,  1848. 


W.  I. 


NOTICES 

WHICH  APPEARED  IN  THE  NEWSPAPERS  PREVIOUS  TO 
THE  PUBLICATION  OF  THIS  WORK. 


From  the  Evening  Post  of  October  26,1809. 

DISTRESSING. 

Left  his  lodgings  some  time  since,  and  has  not  since  been  heard  of, 
a small  elderly  gentleman,  dressed  in  an  old  black  coat  and  cocked 
hat,  by  the  name  of  Knickerbocker.  As  there  are  some  reasons  for 
believing  he  is  not  entirely  in  his  right  mind,  and  as  great  anxiety 
is  entertained  about  him,  any  information  concerning  him  left  either 
at  the  Columbian  Hotel,  Mulberry  street,  or  at  the  office  of  this 
paper,  will  be  thankfully  received. 

P.  S.  Printers  of  newspapers  would  be  aiding  the  cause  of  human- 
ity in  giving  an  insertion  to  the  above. 


From  the  same , November  6,  1809. 

To  the  Editor  of  the  Evening  Post : 

Sir:  Having  read  in  your  paper  of  the  26th  October  last  a para- 
graph respecting  an  old  gentleman  by  the  name  of  Knickerbocker 
who  was  missing  from  his  lodgings,  if  it  would  be  any  relief  to  his 
friends  or  furnish  them  with  any  clue  to  discover  where  he  is,  you 
may  inform  them  that  a person  answering  the  description  given  was 
seen  by  the  passengers  of  the  Albany  stage,  early  in  the  morning, 
about  four  or  five  weeks  since,  resting  himself  by  the  side  of  the 
road,  a little  above  King’s  Bridge.  He  had  in  his  hand  a small 
bundle  tied  in  a red  bandana  handkerchief:  he  appeared  to  be  trav- 
eling northward,  and  was  very  much  fatigued  and  exhausted. 

A Traveler. 


From  the  same , November  16,  1809. 

To  the  Editor  of  the  Evening  Post: 

Sir:  You  have  been  good  enough  to  .publish  in  your  paper  a para- 
graph about  Mr.  Diedrich  Knickerbocker , who  was  missing  so  strangely 
some  time  since.  Nothing  satisfactory  has  been  heard  of  the  old 
gentleman  since;  but  a very  curious  kind  of  a written  book  has  been 


xvi 


NOTICES. 


found  in  his  room,  in  his  own  handwriting.  Now  I wish  you  to 
notice  him,  if  he  is  still  alive,  that  if  he  does  not  return  and  pay 
off  his  bill  for  boarding  and  lodging,  I shall  have  to  dispose  of  his 
book  to  satisfy  me  for  the  same. 

I am,  sir,  your  humble  servant, 

Seth  Handaside, 

Landlord  of  the  Independent  Columbian  Hotel,  Mulberry  street. 


From  the  same,  November  28,  1809. 

LITERARY  NOTICE. 

Inskeep  & Bradford  have  in  the  press,  and  wTill  shortly  publish 

A HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK, 

In  two  volumes,  duodecimo.  Price  three  dollars. 

Containing  an  account  of  its  discovery  and  settlement,  with  its 
internal  policies,  manners,  customs,  wars,  etc.,  etc.,  under  the  Dutch 
government,  furnishing  many  curious  and  interesting  particulars 
never  before  published,  and  which  are  gathered  from  various  manu- 
scriptsand  other  authenticated  sources,  the  whole  being  interspersed 
with  philosophical  speculations  and  moral  precepts. 

This  work  was  found  in  the  chamber  of  Mr.  Diedrich  Knicker- 
bocker, the  old  gentleman  whose  sudden  and  mysterious  disappear- 
ance has  been  noticed.  It  is  published  in  order  to  discharge  certain 
debts  he  has  left  behind. 


From  the  American  Citizen,  December  6,  1809. 
Is  this  day  published 

By  Inskeep  & Bradford,  No.  128  Broadway, 

A HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK, 

Etc.  Etc. 

(Containing  same  as  above.) 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 


It  was  some  time,  if  I recollect' right,  in  the  early  part 
of  the  autumn  of  1808  that  a stranger  applied  for  lodgings 
at  the  Independent  Columbian  Hotel  in  Mulberry  street, 
of  which  I am  landlord.  He  was  a small,  brisk-looking 
old  gentleman,  dressed  in  a rusty,  black  coat,  a pair  of  ol- 
ive velvet  breeches,  and  a small  cocked  hat.  He  had  a 
few  gray  hairs  plaited  and  clubbed  behind,  and  his  beard 
seemed  to  be  of  some  eight-and-forty  hours'  growth.  The 
only  piece  of  finery  which  he  bore  about  him  was  a bright 
pair  of  square  silver  shoe-buckles,  and  all  his  baggage  was 
contained  in  a pair  of  saddle-bags,  which  he  carried  under 
his  arm.  His  whole  appearance  was  something  out  of  the 
common  run,  and  my  wife,  who  is  a very  shrewd  body,  at 
once  set  him  down  for  some  eminent  country  school-mas- 
ter. 

As  the  Independent  Columbian  Hotel  is  a very  small 
house,  I was  a little  puzzled  at  first  where  to  put  him;  but 
my  wife,  who  seemed  taken  with  his  looks,  would  needs 
put  him  in  her  best  chamber,  which  is  genteelly  set  off  with 
the  profiles  of  the  whole  family,  done  in  black,  by  those 
two  great  painters,  Jarvis  and  Wood,  and  commands  a very 
pleasant  view  of  the  new  grounds  on  the  Collect,  together 
with  the  rear  of  the  Poor  House  and  Bridewell,  and  a full 
front  of  the  Hospital,  so  that  it  is  the  cheerfulest  room  in 
the  whole  house. 

During  the  whole  time  that  he  staid  with  us  we  found 
him  a very  worthy  good  sort  of  an  old  gentleman,  though 
a little  queer  in  his  ways.  He  would  keep  in  his  room  for 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  AUTHOR . 


xviii 

days  together,  and  if  any  of  the  children  cried  or  made  a 
noise  about  his  door,  he  would  bounce  out  in  a great 
passion,  with  his  hands  full  of  papers,  and  say  something 
about  “ deranging  his  ideas;  ” which  made  my  wife  believe 
sometimes  that  he  was  not  altogether  compos . Indeed  there 
was  more  than  one  reason  to  make  her  think  so,  for  his  room 
was  always  covered  with  scraps  of  paper  and  old  moldy 
books,  laying  about  at  sixes  and  sevens,  which  he  would 
never  let  anybody  touch:  for  he  said  he  had  laid  them  all 
away  in  their  proper  places,  so  that  he  might  know  where 
to  find  them;  though  for  that  matter  he  was  half  his  time 
worrying  about  the  house  in  search  of  some  book  or  writing 
which  he  had  carefully  put  out  of  the  way.  I shall  never 
forget  what  a bother  he  once  made  because  my  wife  cleaned 
out  his  room  when  his  back  was  turned,  and  put  everything 
to  rights;  for  he  swore  he  would  never  be  able  to  get  his 
papers  in  order  again  in  a twelvemonth.  Upon  this  my 
wife  ventured  to  ask  him  what  he  did  with  so  many  books 
and  papers;  and  he  told  her  that  he  was  “ seeking  for  im- 
mortality;” which  made  her  think  more  than  ever  that  the 
poor  old  gentleman's  head  was  a little  cracked. 

He  was  a very  inquisitive  body,  and  when  not  in  his 
room  was  continually  poking  about  town,  hearing  all  the 
news,  and  prying  into  everything  that  was  going  on:  this 
was  particularly  the  case  about  election  time,  when  he  did 
nothing  but  bustle  about  from  poll  to  poll,  attending  all 
ward-meetings  and  committee-rooms, though  I could  never 
find  that  he  took  part  with  either  side  of  the  question.  On 
the  contrary,  he  would  come  home  and  rail  at  both  parties 
with  great  wrath,  and  plainly  proved  one  day,  to  the  satis- 
faction of  my  wife  and  three  old  ladies  who  were  drinking 
tea  with  her,  that  the  two  parties  were  like  two  rogues,  each 
tugging  at  a skirt  of  the  nation,  and  that  in  the  end  they 
would  tear  the  very  coat  off  its  back  and  expose  its  naked- 
ness. Indeed,  he  was  an  oracle  among  the  neighbors,  who 
would  collect  around  him  to  hear  him  talk  of  an  afternoon 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  A UTHOR. 


xix 


as  he  smoked  his  pipe  on  the  bench  before  the  door;  and  I 
really  believe  he  would  have  brought  over  the  whole  neigh- 
borhood to  his  own  side  of  the  question  if  they  could  ever 
have  found  out  what  it  was. 

He  was  very  much  given  to  argue,  or,  as  he  called  it, 
vliilosoptiizey  about  the  most  trifling  matter;  and,  to  do 
him  justice,  I never  knew  anybody  that  was  a match  for 
him,  except  it  was  a grave-looking  old  gentleman  who 
called  now  and  then  to  see  him,  and  often  posed  him  in  an 
argument.  But  this  is  nothing  surprising,  as  I have  since 
found  out  this  stranger  is  the  city  librarian;  who,  of 
course,  must  be  a man  of  great  learning,  and  I have 
my  doubts  if  he  had  not  some  hand  in  the  following  his- 
tory. 

As'our  lodger  had  been  a long  time  with  us,  and  we  had 
never  received  any  pay,  my  wife  began  to  be  somewhat 
uneasy,  and  curious  to  find  out  who  and  what  he  was.  She 
accordingly  made  bold  to  put  the  question  to  his  friend,  the 
librarian,  who  replied  in  his  dry  way  that  he  was  one  of 
the  literati , which  she  supposed  to  mean  some  new  party 
in  politics.  I scorn  to  push  a lodger  for  his  pay;  so  I let 
day  after  day  pass  on  without  dunning  the  old  gentleman 
for  a farthing;  but  my  wife,  who  always  takes  these  matters 
on  herself,  and  is,  as  I said,  a shrewd  kind  of  a woman,  at 
last  got  out  of  patience,  and  hinted  that  she  thought  it 
high  time  “ some  people  should  have  a sight  of  some  peo- 
ple’s money.”  To  which  the  old  gentleman  replied,  in  a 
mighty  touchy  manner,  that  she  need  not  make  herself  un- 
easy, for  that  he  had  a treasure  there  (pointing  to  his  sad- 
dle-bags) worth  her  whole  house  put  together.  This  was 
the  only  answer  we  could  ever  get  from  him;  and  as  my 
wife,  by  some  of  those  odd  ways  in  which  women  find  out 
everything,  learned  that  he  was  of  very  great  connections, 
being  related  of  the  Knickerbockers  of  Scaghtikoke  and 
cousin-german  to  the  Congressman  of  that  name,  she 
did  not  like  to  treat  him  uncivilly.  What  is  more,  she  even 


XX 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  A UTHOB . 


offered,  merely  by  way  of  making  things  easy,  to  let  him 
live  scot-free  if  he  would  teach  the  children  their  letters, 
and  to  try  her  best  and  get  her  neighbors  to  send  their 
children  also;  but  the  old  gentleman  took  it  in  such 
dudgeon,  and  seemed  so  affronted  at  being  taken  for  a 
schoolmaster,  that  she  never  dared  to  speak  on  the  subject 
again. 

About  two  months  ago  he  went  out  of  a morning,  with  a 
bundle  in  his  hand — and  has  never  been  heard  of  since. 
All  kinds  of  inquiries  were  made  after  him,  but  in  vain.  I 
wrote  to  his  relations  at  Scaghtikoke,  but  they  sent  for 
answer  that  he  had  not  been  there  since  the  year  before 
last,  when  he  had  a great  dispute  with  the  Congressman 
about  politics,  and  left  the  place  in  a huff,  and  they  had 
neither  heard  nor  seen  anything  of  him  from  that  time  to 
this.  I must  own  I felt  very  much  worried  about  the 
poor  old  gentleman,  for  I thought  something  bad  must 
have  happened  to  him,  that  he  should  be  missing  so  long 
and  never  return  to  pay  his  bill.  I therefore  advertised 
him  in  the  newspapers,  and  though  my  melancholy  adver- 
tisement was  published  by  several  humane  printers,  yet  I 
have  never  been  able  to  learn  anything  satisfactory  about 
him. 

My  wife  now  said  it  was  high  time  to  take  care  of  our- 
selves, and  see  if  he  had  left  anything  behind  in  his  room 
that  would  pay  us  for  his  board  and  lodging.  We  found 
nothing,  however,  but  some  old  books  and  musty  writings 
and  his  saddle-bags;  which,  being  opened  in  the  presence 
of  the  librarian,  contained  only  a few  articles  of  wTorn-out 
clothes  and  a large  bundle  of  blotted  paper.  On  looking 
over  this,  the  librarian  told  us  he  had  no  doubt  it  was  the 
treasure  which  the  old  gentleman  had  spoken  about,  as  it 
proved  to  be  a most  excellent  and  faithful  History  of 
New  York,  which  he  advised  us  by  all  means  to  publish, 
assuring  us  that  it  would  be  so  eagerly  bought  up  by  a dis- 
cerning public  that  he  had  no  doubt  it  would  be  enough  to 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 


xxi 


pay  our  arrears  ten  times  over.  Upon  this  we  got  a very 
learned  schoolmaster,  who  teaches  our  children,  to  prepare 
it  for  the  press,  which  he  accordingly  has  done,  and  has, 
moreover,  added  to  it  a number  of  valuable  notes  of  his 
own. 

This,  therefore,  is  a true  statement  of  my  reasons  for 
having  this  work  printed  without  waiting  for  the  consent 
of  the  author;  and  I here  declare  that  if  he  ever  returns 
(though  I much  fear  some  unhappy  accident  has  befallen 
him)  I stand  ready  to  account  with  him  like  a true  and 
honest  man.  Which  is  all  at  present 

From  the  public’s  humble  servant 

Seth  Handaside. 

Independent  Columbian  Hotel,  New  York. 

The  foregoing  account  of  the  author  was  prefixed  to  the 
first  edition  of  this  work.  Shortly  after  its  publication  a 
letter  was  received  from  him,  by  Mr.  Handaside,  dated  at  a 
small  Dutch  village  on  the  banks  of  the  Hudson,  whither 
he  had  traveled  for  the  purpose  of  inspecting  certain 
ancient  records.  As  this  was  one  of  those  few  and  happy 
villages  into  which  newspapers  never  find  their  way,  it  is 
not  a matter  of  surprise  that  Mr.  Knickerbocker  should 
never  have  seen  the  numerous  advertisements  that  were 
made  concerning  him,  and  that  he  should  learn  of  thepub- 
lication  of  his  history  by  mere  accident. 

He  expressed  much  concern  at  its  premature  appear- 
ance, as  thereby  he  was  prevented  from  making  several 
important  corrections  and  alterations,  as  well  as  from  pro- 
fiting by  many  curious  hints  which  he  had  collected  dur- 
ing his  travels  along  the  shores  of  the  Tappan  Sea  and  his 
sojourn  at  Haverstraw  and  Esopus. 

Finding  that  there  was  no  longer  any  immediate  neces- 
sity for  his  return  to  New  York,  he  extended  his  journey 
up  to  the  residence  of  his  relations  at  Scaghtikoke.  On 
his  way  thither  he  stopped  for  some  days  at  Albany,  for 


xxii 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 


which  city  he  is  known  to  have  entertained  a great  partial- 
ity. He  found  it,  however,  considerably  altered,  and  was 
much  concerned  at  the  inroads  and  improvements  which 
the  Yankees  were  making,  and  the  consequent  decline  of 
the  good  old  Dutch  manners.  Indeed,  he  was  informed 
that  these  intruders  were  making  sad  innovations  in  all 
parts  of  the  State,  where  they  had  given  great  trouble  and 
vexation  to  the  regular  Dutch  settlers  by  the  introduction 
of  turnpike  gates  and  country  school-houses.  It  is  said 
also  that  Mr.  Knickerbocker  shook  his  head  sorrowfully  at 
noticing  the  gradual  decay  of  the  great  Vander  Heyden 
palace,  but  was  highly  indignant  at  finding  that  the 
ancient  Dutch  church,  which  stood  in  the  middle  of  the 
street,  had  been  pulled  down  since  his  last  visit. 

The  fame  of  Mr.  Knickerbocker’s  history  having  reached 
even  to  Albany,  he  received  much  flattering  attention  from 
its  worthy  burghers,  some  of  whom,  however,  pointed  out 
two  or  three  very  great  errors  he  had  fallen  into,  particu- 
larly that  of  suspending  a lump  of  sugar  over  the  Albany 
tea-tables,  which,  they  assured  him,  had  been  discontinued 
for  some  years  past.  Several  families,  moreover,  were 
somewhat  piqued  that  their  ancestors  had  not  been  men- 
tioned in  his  work,  and  showed  great  jealousy  of  their 
neighbors  who  had  thus  been  distinguished;  while  the  lat- 
ter, it  must  be  confessed,  plumed  themselves  vastly 
thereupon,  considering  these  recordings  in  the  light  of 
letters-patent  of  nobility,  establishing  their  claims  to  an- 
cestry; which  in  this  republican  country  is  a matter  of 
no  little  solicitude  and  vainglory. 

It  is  also  said  that  he  enjoyed  high  favor  and  counte- 
nance from  the  governor,  who  once  asked  him  to  dinner, 
and  was  seen  two  or  three  times  to  shake  hands  with  him 
when  they  met  in  the  street;  which  certainly  was  going 
great  lengths,  considering  that  they  differed  in  politics. 
Indeed  certain  of  the  governor’s  confidential  friends,  to 
whom  he  could  venture  to  speak  his  mind  freely  on  sucH 


AC  CO  UNT  OF  THE  A UTHOR.  xxiii 

matters,  have  assured  us  that  he  privately  entertained  a 
considerable  good  will  for  our  author — nay,  he  even  once 
went  so  far  as  to  declare,  and  that  openly  too,  and  at  his 
own  table  just  after  dinner,  that  “Knickerbocker  was  a 
very  well-meaning  sort  of  an  old  gentleman,  and  no  fool.” 
From  all  which  many  have  been  led  to  suppose  that  had 
our  author  been  of  different  politics,  and  written  for  the 
newspapers  instead  of  wasting  his  talents  on  histories,  he 
might  have  risen  to  some  post  of  honor  and  profit : per- 
adventure,  to  be  a notary  public  or  even  a justice  in  the 
ten-pound  court. 

Beside  the  honors  and  civilities  already  mentioned,  he 
was  much  caressed  by  the  literati  of  Albany ; particularly 
by  Mr.  John  Cook,  who  entertained  him  very  hospitably  at 
his  circulating  library  and  reading-room,  where  they  used 
to  drink  Spa  water  and  talk  about  the  ancients.  He  found 
Mr.  Cook  a man  after  his  own  heart  — of  great  literary  re- 
search and  a curious  collector  of  books.  At  parting,  the 
latter,  in  testimony  of  friendship,  made  him  a present  of 
the  two  oldest  works  in  his  collection ; which  were  the 
earliest  edition  of  the  “Heidelberg  Catechism”  and  Adrian 
Vander  Donck’s  famous  account  of  the  “New  Nether- 
lands,” by  the  last  of  which  Mr.  Knickerbocker  profited 
greatly  in  this  his  second  edition. 

Having  passed  some  time  very  agreeably  at  Albany,  our 
author  proceeded  to  Scaghtikoke,  where,  it  is  but  justice  to 
say,  he  was  received  with  open  arms  and  treated  with  won- 
derful loving-kindness.  He  was  much  looked  up  to  by  the 
family,  being  the  first  historian  of  the  name  ; and  was  con- 
sidered almost  as  great  a man  as  his  cousin  the  Congress- 
man— with  whom,  by  the  by,  he  became  perfectly  reconciled 
and  contracted  a strong  friendship. 

In  spite,  however,  of  the  kindness  of  his  relations  and 
their  great  attention  to  his  comforts,  the  old  gentleman 
soon  became  restless  and  discontented.  His  history  being 
published,  he  had  no  longer  any  business  to  occupy  his 


xxiv 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 


thoughts  or  any  scheme  to  excite  his  hopes  and  anticipa- 
tions. This,  to  a busy  mind  like  his,  was  a truly  deplora- 
ble situation  ; and,  had  he  not  been  a man  of  inflexible 
morals  and  regular  habits,  there  would  have  been  great 
danger  of  his  taking  to  politics  or  drinking;  both  of  which 
pernicious  vices  we  daily  see  men  driven  to  by  mere  spleen 
and  idleness. 

It  is  true  he  sometimes  employed  himself  in  preparing  a 
second  edition  of  his  history,  wherein  he  endeavored  to 
correct  and  improve  many  passages  with  which  he  was  dis- 
satisfied, and  to  rectify  some  mistakes  that  had  crept  into 
it ; for  he  was  particularly  anxious  that  his  work  should  be 
noted  for  its  authenticity  ; which,  indeed,  is  the  very  life 
and  soul  of  history.  But  the  glow  of  composition  had 
departed  ; he  had  to  leave  many  places  untouched  which 
he  would  fain  have  altered  ; and  even  where  he  did  make 
alterations  he  seemed  always  in  doubt  whether  they  were 
for  the  better  or  the  worse. 

After  a residence  of  some  time  at  Scaghtikoke,  he  began 
to  feel  a strong  desire  to  return  to  New  York,  which  he 
ever  regarded  with  the  warmest  affection  ; not  merely  be- 
cause it  was  his  native  city,  but  because  he  really  consid- 
ered i the  very  best  city  in  the  whole  world.  On  his 
return  he  entered  into  the  full  enjoyment  of  the  advan- 
tages of  a literary  reputation.  He  was  continually  impor- 
tuned to  write  advertisements,  petitions,  handbills,  and 
productions  of  similar  import ; and,  although  he  never 
meddled  with  the  public  papers,  yet  had  he  the  credit  of 
writing  innumerable  essays  and  smart  things  that  appeared 
on  all  subjects  and  all  sides  of  the  question  ; in  all  which 
he  was  clearly  detected  “by  his  style.” 

He  contracted,  moreover,  a considerable  debt  at  the 
post-office  in  consequence  of  the  numerous  letters  he  re- 
ceived from  authors  and  printers  soliciting  his  subscription, 
and  he  was  applied  to  by  every  charitable  society  for 
yearly  donations,  which  he  gave  very  cheerfully,  consider- 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  A UTHOR. 


xxv 


ing  these  applications  as  so  many  compliments.  He  was 
once  invited  to  a great  corporation  dinner,  and  was  even 
twice  summoned  to  attend  as  a juryman  at  the  court  of 
quarter  sessions.  Indeed,  so  renowned  did  he  become  that 
he  could  no  longer  pry  about,  as  formerly,  in  all  holes  and 
corners  of  the  city,  according  to  the  bent  of  his  humor,  un- 
noticed and  uninterruped;  but  several  times  when  he  has 
been  sauntering  the  streets  on  his  usual  rambles  of  obser- 
vation, equipped  with  his  cane  and  cocked  hat,  the  little 
boys  at  play  have  been  known  to  cry,  “There  goes 
Diedrich!”  at  which  the  old  gentleman  seemed  not  a little 
pleased,  looking  upon  these  salutations  in  the  light  of  the 
praise  of  posterity. 

In  a word,  if  we  take  into  consideration  all  these  vari- 
ous honors  and  distinctions,  together  with  an  exuberant 
eulogium  passed  on  him  in  the  Port  Folio  (with  which,  we 
are  told,  the  old  gentleman  was  so  much  overpowered  that 
he  was  sick  for  two  or  three  days),  it  must  be  confessed 
that  few  authors  have  ever  lived  to  receive  such  illustrious 
reward  or  have  so  completely  enjoyed  in  advance  their 
own  immortality. 

After  his  return  from  Scaghtikoke,  Mr.  Knickerbocker 
took  up  his  residence  at  a little  rural  retreat  which  the 
Stuyvesants  had  granted  him  on  the  family  domain  in 
gratitude  for  his  honorable  mention  of  their  ancestor.  It 
was  pleasantly  situated  on  the  borders  of  one  of  the  salt 
marshes  beyond  Corlear^s  Hook;  subject,  indeed  to  be  oc- 
casionally overflowed,  and  much  infested,  in  the  summer 
time,  with  mosquitoes,  but  otherwise  very  aggreeable, 
producing  abundant  crops  of  salt  grass  and  bulrushes. 

Here,  we  are  sorry  to  say,  the  good  old  gentleman  fell 
dangerously  ill  of  a fever,  occasioned  by  the  neighboring 
marshes.  When  he  found  his  end  approaching  he  dis- 
posed of  his  worldly  affairs,  leaving  the  bulk  of  his  fortune 
to  the  New  York  Historical  Society,  his  Heidelberg 
Catechism  and  Vander  Donck^s  work  to  the  city  library. 


xxvi 


ACCOUNT  OF  THE  AUTHOR . 


and  his  saddle-bags  to  Mr.  Handaside.  He  forgave  all  his 
enemies — that  is  to  say,  all  who  bore  any  enmity  toward  him 
— for  as  to  himself,  he  declared  he  died  in  good  will  with 
all  the  world.  And,  after  dictating  several  kind  messages 
to  his  relations  at  Scaghtikoke,  as  well  as  to  certain  of  our 
most  substantial  Dutch  citizens,  he  expired  in  the  arms  of 
his  friend  the  librarian. 

His  remains  were  interred,  according  to  his  own  request, 
in  St.  Mark’s  churchyard,  close  by  the  bones  of  his  favorite 
hero,  Peter  Stuyvesant;  and  it  is  rumored  that  the  His- 
torical Society  have  it  in  mind  to  erect  a wooden  monu- 
ment to  his  memory  in  Bowling  Green. 


TO  THE  PUBLIC. 


“ To  rescue  from  oblivion  the  memory  of  former  inci- 
dents, and  to  render  a just  tribute  of  renown  to  the  many 
great  and  wonderful  transactions  of  our  Dutch  progenitors, 
Diedrich  Knickerbocker,  native  of  the  city  of  New  York, 
produces  this  historical  essay.”*  Like  the  great  Father  of 
History,  whose  words  I have  just  quoted,  I treat  of  times 
long  past,  over  which  the  twilight  of  uncertainty  had 
already  thrown  its  shadows  and  the  night  of  forgetfulness 
was  about  to  descend  forever.  With  great  solicitude  had 
I long  beheld  the  early  history  of  this  venerable  and  ancient 
city  gradually  slipping  from  our  grasp,  trembling  on  the 
lips  of  narrative  old  age,  and  day  by  day  dropping  piece- 
meal into  the  tomb.  In  a little  while,  thought  I,  and  those 
reverend  Dutch  burghers,  who  serve  as  the  tottering  monu- 
ments of  good  old  times,  will  be  gathered  to  their  fathers; 
their  children,  engrossed  by  the  empty  pleasures  or  in- 
significant transactions  of  the  present  age,  will  neglect  to 
treasure  up  the  recollections  of  the  past,  and  posterity  will 
search  in  vain  for  memorials  of  the  days  of  the  Patriarchs. 
The  origin  of  our  city  will  be  buried  in  eternal  oblivion, 
and  even  the  names  and  achievements  of  Wouter  Van 
T wilier,  William  Kieft,  and  Peter  Stuyvesant  be  enveloped 
in  doubt  and  fiction,  like  those  of  Romulus  and  Remus,  of 
Charlemagne,  King  Arthur,  Rinaldo,  and  Godfrey  of 
Bologne. 

Determined,  therefore,  to  avert  if  possible  this  threatened 
misfortune,  I industriously  set  myself  to  work  to  gather  to- 


*Beloe’s  “Herodotus, 


xxviii 


TO  TEE  PUBLIC . 


gether  all  the  fragments  of  our  infant  history  which  still 
existed,  and  like  my  revered  prototype,  Herodotus,  where 
no  written  records  could  be  found  I have  endeavored  to 
continue  the  chain  of  history  by  well-authenticated  tradi- 
tions. 

In  this  arduous  undertaking,  which  has  been  the  whole 
business  of  a long  and  solitary  life,  it  is  incredible  the 
number  of  learned  authors  I have  consulted,  and  all  but 
to  little  purpose.  Strange  as  it  may  seem,  though  such 
multitudes  of  excellent  works  have  been  written  about  this 
country,  there  are  none  extant  which  gave  any  full  and 
satisfactory  account  of  the  early  history  of  New  York  or 
of  its  three  first  Dutch  governors.  I have,  however,  gained 
much  valuable  and  curious  matter  from  an  elaborate  manu- 
script written  in  exceeding  pure  and  classic  Low  Dutch,  ex- 
cepting a few  errors  in  orthography,  which  was  found  in  the 
archives  of  the  Stuyvesant  family.  Many  legends,  letters, 
and  other  documents  have  I likewise  gleaned  in  my  re- 
searches among  the  family  chests  and  lumber-garrets  of 
our  respectable  Dutch  citizens,  and  I have  gathered  a host 
of  well-authenticated  traditions  from  divers  excellent  old 
ladies  of  my  acquaintance,  who  requested  that  their  names 
might  not  be  mentioned.  Nor  must  I neglect  to  acknow- 
ledge how  greatly  I have  been  assisted  by  that  admirable 
and  praiseworthy  institution,  the  New  York  Historical 
Society,  to  which  I here  publicly  return  my  sincere  ac- 
knowledgments. 

In  the  conduct  of  this  inestimable  work  I have  adopted 
no  individual  model,  but,  on  the  contrary,  have  simply 
contented  myself  with  combining  and  concentrating  the 
excellences  of  the  most  approved  ancient  historians.  Like 
Xenophon,  I have  maintained  the  utmost  impartiality  and 
the  strictest  adherence  to  truth  throughout  my  history.  I 
have  enriched  it,  after  the  manner  of  Sallust,  with  various 
characters  of  ancient  worthies,  drawn  at  full  length  and 
faithfully  colored.  I have  seasoned  it  with  profound 


TO  THE  PUBLIC. 


xxix 


political  speculations  like  Thucydides,  sweetened  it  with 
the  graces  of  sentiment  like  Tacitus,  and  infused  into 
the  whole  the  dignity,  the  grandeur,  and  magnificence  of 
Livy. 

I am  aware  that  I shall  incur  the  censure  of  numerous 
very  learned  and  judicious  critics  for  indulging  too  fre- 
quently in  the  bold,  excursive  manner  of  my  favorite, 
Herodotus.  And,  to  be  candid,  I have  found  it  impossible 
always  to  resist  the  allurements  of  those  pleasing  episodes 
which,  like  flowery  banks  and  fragrant  bowers,  beset  the 
dusty  road  of  the  historian,  and  entice  him  to  turn  aside 
and  refresh  himself  from  his  wayfaring.  But  I trust  it 
will  be  found  that  I have  always  resumed  my  staff  and 
addressed  myself  to  my  weary  journey  with  renovated 
spirits,  so  that  both  my  readers  and  myself  have  been  bene- 
fited by  the  relaxation. 

Indeed,  though  it  has  been  my  constant  wish  and  uniform 
endeavor  to  rival  Polybius  himself  in  observing  the  requisite 
unity  of  History,  yet  the  loose  and  unconnected  manner  in 
which  many  of  the  facts  herein  recorded  have  come  to  hand 
rendered  such  an  attempt  extremely  difficult.  This  difficulty 
was  likewise  increased  by  one  of  the  grand  objects  con- 
templated in  my  work,  which  was  to  trace  the  rise  of  sundry 
customs  and  institutions  in  this  best  of  cities,  and  to 
compare  them,  when  in  the  germ  of  infancy,  with  what 
they  are  in  the  present  old  age  of  knowledge  and  improve- 
ment. 

But  the  chief  merit  on  which  I value  myself  and  found 
my  hopes  for  future  regard  is  that  faithful  veracity  with 
which  I have  compiled  this  invaluable  little  work,  carefully 
winnowing  away  the  chaff  of  hypothesis,  and  discarding  the 
tares  of  fable,  which  are  too  apt  to  spring  up  and  choke  the 
seeds  of  truth  and  wholesome  knowledge.  Had  I been 
anxious  to  captivate  the  superficial  throng,  who  skim  like 
swallows  over  the  surface  of  literature,  or  had  I been  anxious 
to  commend  my  writings  to  the  pampered  palates  of  literary 


XXX 


TO  THE  PUBLIC . 


epicures,  I might  have  availed  myself  of  the  obscurity  that 
overshadows  the  infant  years  of  our  city  to  introduce  a 
thousand  pleasing  fictions.  But  I have  scrupulously  dis- 
carded many  a pithy  tale  and  marvelous  adventure, 
whereby  the  drowsy  ear  of  summer  indolence  might  be 
enthralled,  jealously  maintaining  that  fidelity,  gravity,  and 
dignity  which  should  ever  distinguish  the  historian.  “ For 
a writer  of  this  class,”  observes  an  elegant  critic,  “ must 
sustain  the  character  of  a wiseman,  writing  for  the  instruc- 
tion of  posterity — one  who  has  studied  to  inform  himself 
well,  who  has  pondered  his  subject  with  care,  and  ad- 
dresses himself  to  our  judgment  rather  than  to  our  im- 
agination.” 

Thrice  happy,  therefore,  is  this  our  renowned  city  in 
having  incidents  worthy  of  swelling  the  theme  of  history, 
and  doubly  thrice  happy  is  it  in  having  such  an  historian 
as  myself  to  relate  them.  For,  after  all,  gentle  reader,  cities 
of  themselves,  and,  in  fact,  empires  of  themselves,  are  noth- 
ing without  an  historian.  It  is  the  patient  narrator  who 
records  their  prosperity  as  they  rise — who  blazons  forth  the 
splendor  of  their  noontide  meridian — who  props  their  fee- 
ble memorials  as  they  totter  to  decay — who  gathers  to- 
gether their  scattered  fragments  as  they  rot — and  who 
piously,  at  length,  collects  their  ashes  into  the  mausoleum 
of  his  work  and  rears  a monument  that  will  transmit  their 
renown  to  all  succeeding  ages. 

What  has  been  the  fate  of  many  fair  cities  of  antiquity 
whose  nameless  ruins  encumber  the  plains  of  Europe  and 
Asia  and  awaken  the  fruitless  inquiry  of  the  traveler? 
They  have  sunk  into  dustand  silence;  they  have  perished 
from  remembrance  for  want  of  an  historian!  The  philan- 
thropist may  weep  over  their  desolation — the  poet  may 
wander  among  their  moldering  arches  and  broken  col- 
umns, and  indulge  the  visionary  flights  of  his  fancy — but 
alas!  alas!  the  modern  historian,  whose,  pen,  like  my  own, 
is  doomed  to  confine  itself  to  dull  matter  of  fact,  seeks  in 


TO  THE  PUBLIC. 


xxxi 


vain  among  their  oblivious  remains  for  some  memorial 
that  may  tell  the  instructive  tale  of  their  glory  and  their 
ruin. 

“Wars,  conflagrations,  deluges,"  says  Aristotle,  “destroy 
nations,  and  with  them  all  their  monuments,  their  discov- 
eries, and  their  vanities.  The  torch  of  science  has  more 
than  once  been  extinguished  and  rekindled — a few  indi- 
viduals, who  have  escaped  by  accident,  reunite  the  thread 
of  generations." 

The  same  sad  misfortune  which  has  happened  to  so 
many  ancient  cities  will  happen  again,  and  from  the  same 
sad  cause,  to  nine-tenths  of  those  which  now  flourish  on  the 
face  of  the  globe.  With  most  of  them  the  time  for  record- 
ing their  early  history  is  gone  by;  their  origin,  their  foun- 
dation, together  with  the  eventful  period  of  their  youth, 
are  forever  buried  in  the  rubbish  of  years;  and  the  same 
would  have  been  the  case  with  this  fair  portion  of  the  earth 
if  I had  not  snatched  it  from  obscurity  in  the  very  nick  of 
time,  at  the  moment  that  those  matters  herein  recorded 
were  about  entering  into  the  widespread,  insatiable  maw 
of  oblivion — if  I had  not  dragged  them  out,  as  it  were,  by 
the  very  locks,  just  as  the  monster's  adamantine  fangs 
were  closing  upon  them  forever!  And  here  have  I,  as  be- 
fore observed,  carefully  collected,  collated,  and  arranged 
them,  scrip  and  scrap,  “punt  en  pimt , gat  en  gat,” and  com- 
menced in  this  little  work  a history  to  serve  as  a founda- 
tion on  which  other  historians  may  hereafter  raise  a noble 
superstructure,  swelling  in  process  of  time,  until  “ Knicker- 
bocker's New  York  " may  be  equally  voluminous  with 
“ Gibbon's  Rome  " or  Hume  and  Smollet's  “ England !" 

And  now  indulge  me  for  a moment  while  I lay  down  my 
pen,  skip  to  some  little  eminence  at  the  distance  of  two  or 
three  hundred  years  ahead,  and,  casting  back  a bird's-eye 
glance  over  the  waste  of  years  that  is  to  roll  between,  dis- 
cover myself — little  I — at  this  moment  the  progenitor, 
prototype,  and  precursor  of  them  all,  posted  at  the  head  of 


xxxii 


TO  THE  PUBLIC. 


this  host  of  literary  worthies,  with  my  book  under  my 
arm  and  New  York  on  my  back,  pressing  forward,  like  a 
gallant  commander,  to  honor  and  immortality. 

Such  are  the  vainglorious  imaginings  that  will  now  and 
then  enter  into  the  brain  of  the  author — that  irradiate,  as 
with  celestial  light,  his  solitary  chamber,  cheering  his 
weary  spirits  and  animating  him  to  persevere  in  his  labors. 
And  I have  freely  given  utterance  to  these  rhapsodies 
whenever  they  have  occured;  not,  I trust,  from  an  un- 
usual spirit  of  egotism,  but  merely  that  the  reader  may  for 
once  have  an  idea  how  an  author  thinks  and  feels  while  he 
is  writing — a kind  of  knowledge  very  rare  and  curious  and 
much  to  be  desired. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


BOOK  I. 

CONTAINING  DIVERS  INGENIOUS  THEORIES  AND  PHILO- 
SOPHIC SPECULATIONS  CONCERNING  THE  CREATION 
AND  POPULATION  OF  THE  WORLD,  AS  CONNECTED 
WITH  THE  HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  I. 

DESCRIPTION  OF  THE  WORLD. 

According  to  the  best  authorities,  the  world  in  which 
we  dwell  is  a huge,  opaque,  reflecting,  inanimate  mass, 
floating  in  the  vast  ethereal  ocean  of  infinite  space.  It  has 
the  form  of  an  orange,  being  an  oblate  spheroid,  curiously 
flattened  at  opposite  parts  for  the  insertion  of  two  imagin- 
ary poles,  which  are  supposed  to  penetrate  and  uniteat  the 
center,  thus  forming  an  axis  on  which  the  mighty  orange 
turns  with  a regular  diurnal  revolution. 

The  transitions  of  light  and  darkness,  whence  proceed 
the  alternations  of  day  and  night,  are  produced  by  this 
diurnal  revolution  successively  presenting  the  different  parts 
of  the  earth  to  the  rays  of  the  sun.  The  latter  is,  accord- 
ing to  the  best — that  is  to  say,  the  latest — accounts,  a 
luminous  or  fiery  body  of  a prodigious  magnitude,  from 
which  this  world  is  driven  by  a centrifugal  or  repelling 
power,  and  to  which  it  is  drawn  by  a centripetal  or  attract- 
ive force,  otherwise  called  the  attraction  of  gravitation; 
the  combination,  or  rather  the  counteraction,  of  these  two 
opposing  impulses  producing  a circular  and  annual  revolu- 
tion. Hence  result  the  different  seasons  of  the  year — viz. 
spring,  summer,  autumn,  and  winter. 


2 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


This  I believe  to  be  the  most  approved  modem  theory  on 
the  subject,  though  there  be  many  philosophers  who  have 
entertained  very  different  opinions;  some,  too,  of  them  en- 
titled to  much  deference  from  their  great  antiquity  and 
illustrious  characters.  Thus  it  was  advanced  by  some  of 
the  ancient  sages  that  the  earth  was  an  extended  plain, 
supported  by  vast  pillars;  and  by  others  that  it  rested  on 
the  head  of  a snake  or  the  back  of  a huge  tortoise,  but  as 
they  did  not  provide  a resting-place  for  either  the  pillars  or 
the  tortoise,  the  whole  theory  fell  to  the  ground  for  want 
of  proper  foundation. 

The  Brahmins  assert  that  the  heavens  rest  upon  the  earth, 
and  the  sun  and  moon  swim  therein  like  fishes  in  the  water, 
moving  from  east  to  west  by  day,  and  gliding  along  the 
edge  of  the  horizon  to  their  original  stations  during  night;* 
while,  according  to  the  Pauranicas  of  India,  it  is  a vast 
plain,  encircled  by  seven  oceans  of  milk,  nectar,  and  other 
delicious  liquids;  that  it  is  studded  with  seven  mountains, 
and  ornamented  in  the  center  by  a mountainous  rock  of 
burnished  gold;  and  that  a great  dragon  occasionally 
swallows  up  the  moon,  which  accounts  for  the  phenomena 
of  lunar  eclipses,  f 

Besides  these  and  many  other  equally  sage  opinions  we 
have  the  profound  conjectures  of  Aboul-Hassan-Aly,  son 
of  A1  Khan,  son  of  Aly,  son  of  Abderrahman,  son  of 
Abdallah,  son  of  Masoudel-Hadheli,  who  is  commonly 
called  Masoudi,  and  surnamed  Cothbiddin,  but  who  takes 
the  humble  title  of  Laheb-ar-rasoul,  which  means  the  com- 
panion of  the  ambassador  of  God.  He  has  written  a 
universal  history,  entitled  “ Mouroudge-ed-dharab,  or  the 
Golden  Meadows,  and  the  Mines  of  Precious  Stones.  In 
this  valuable  work  he  has  related  the  history  of  the  world 
from  the  creation  down  to  the  moment  of  writing,  which 
was  under  the  Khaliphat  of  Mothi  Billah,  in  the  month 
Dgioumadi-el-aoual  of  the  336th  year  of  the  Hegira,  or 
flight  of  the  Prophet.  He  informs  us  that  the  earth  is  a 
huge  bird,  Mecca  and  Medina  constituting  the  head,  Persia 
and  India  the  right  wing,  the  land  of  Gog  the  left  wing, 


* Faria  y Souza.  Mick.  lus.  note  b.  7. 
f Sir  W.  Jones,  Diss.  Antiq.  Ind  Zod. 
{ MSS.  Bibliot.  Roi.  Fr. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


3 


and  Africa  the  tail.  He  informs  us,  moreover,  that  an 
earth  has  existed  before  the  present  (which  he  considers  as 
a mere  chicken  of  seven  thousand  years),  that  it  has  under- 
gone divers  deluges,  and  that  according  to  the  opinion  of 
some  well-informed  Brahmins  of  his  aqiiaintance,  it  will 
be  renovated  every  seventy  thousandth  hazarouam,  each 
hazarouam  consisting  of  twelve  thousand  years. 

These  are  a few  of  the  many  contradictory  opinions  of 
philosophers  concerning  the  earth,  and  we  find  that  the 
learned  have  had  equal  perplexity  as  to  the  nature  of  the 
sun.  Some  of  the  ancient  philosophers  have  affirmed  that 
it  is  a vast  wheel  of  brilliant  fire;* * * §  others  that  it  is  merely 
a mirror  or  sphere  of  transparent  crystal;!  and  a third 
class,  at  the  head  of  whom  stands  Anaxagoras,  maintained 
that  it  was  nothing  but  a huge  ignited  mass  of  iron  or 
stone — indeed,  he  declared  the  heavens  to  be  merely  a vault 
of  stone — and  that  the  stars  were  stones  whirled  upward 
from  the  earth  and  set  on  fire  by  the  velocity  of  its  revolu- 
tions. J But  I give  little  attention  to  the  doctrines  of  this 
philosopher,  the  people  of  Athens  having  fully  refuted 
them  by  banishing  him  from  their  city— a concise  mode  of 
answering  unwelcome  doctrines  much  resorted  to  in  former 
days.  Another  set  of  philosophers  do  declare  that  certain 
fiery  particles  exhale  constantly  from  the  earth,  which, 
concentrating  in  a single  point  of  the  firmament  by  day, 
constitute  the  sun,  but,  being  scattered  and  rambling  about 
in  the  dark  at  night,  collect  in  various  points  and  form 
stars.  These  are  regularly  burnt  out  and  extinguished 
not  unlike  to  the  lamps  in  our  street,  and  require  a fresh 
supply  of  exhalations  for  the  next  occasion. § 

It  is  even  recorded  that  at  certain  remote  and  obscure 
periods,  in  consequence  of  a great  scarcity  of  fuel,  the  sun 
has  been  completely  burnt  out,  and  sometimes  not  re- 
kindled for  a month  at  a time.  A most  melancholy  cir- 
cumstance, the  very  idea  of  which  gave  vast  concern  to 


*Plutarcli  de  Placitis  Philosopli.  lib.  ii.  cap.,  20. 

f Acbill.  Tat.  isag.  cap.  19.  Ap.  Petav.  t.  iii.  p.  81.  Stob.  Eclog. 
Phys.  lib.  i.  p.  56.  Plut.  de  Plac.  Phi. 

\ Diogenes  Laertius  in  Anaxag.  1.  ii.  sec.  8.  Plat.  Apol.  t.  i.  p. 
26.  Plut.  de  Plac.  Philo.  Xenoph.  Mem.  1.  iv.  p.  815. 

§ Aristot.  Meteor.  1.  ii.  c.  2,  Idem.  Probl.  sec.  15.  Stob.  Eel. 
Phys.  1.  i.  p.  55.  Bruck.  Hist.  Phil.  t.  i.  p.  1154,  &c. 


4 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


Heraclitus,  that  worthy  weeping  philosopher  of  antiquity. 
In  addition  to  these  various  speculations  it  was  the  opinion 
of  Herschel  that  the  sun  is  a magnificent  habitable  abode, 
the  light  it  furnishes  arising  from  certain  empyreal, 
luminous,  or  phosphoric  clouds  swimming  in  its  trans- 
parent atmosphere.* 

But  we  will  not  enter  farther  at  present  into  the  nature 
of  the  sun,  that  being  an  inquiry  not  immediately  necessary 
to  the  development  of  this  history;  neither  will  we  embroil 
ourselves  in  any  more  of  the  endless  disputes  of  philosophers 
touching  the  form  of  this  globe,  but  content  ourselves 
with  the  theory  advanced  in  the  beginning  of  this  chapter, 
and  will  proceed  to  illustrate,  by  experiment,  the  complex- 
ity of  motion  therein  ascribed  to  this  our  rotatory  planet. 

Professor  Von  Poddingcoft  (or  Puddinghead,  as  the  name 
may  be  rendered  into  English)  was  long  celebrated  in  the 
University  of  Leyden  for  profound  gravity  of  deportment 
and  a talent  at  going*to  sleep  in  the  midst  of  examinations, 
to  the  infinite  relief  of  his  hopeful  students,  who  thereby 
worked  their  way  through  college  with  great  ease  and  little 
study.  In  the  course  of  one  of  his  lectures  the  learned 
professor,  seizing  a bucket  of  water,  swung  it  around  his 
head  at  arm's  length,  the  impulse  with  which  hg  threw  the 
vessel  from  him  being  a centrifugal  force,  the  retention  of 
his  arm  operating  as  a centripetal  power,  and  the  bucket, 
which  was  a substitute  for  the  earth,  describing  a circular 
orbit  round  about  the  globular  head  and  ruby  visage  of 
Professor  Von  Poddingcoft,  which  formed  no  bad  represen- 
tation of  the  sun.  All  of  these  particulars  were  duly 
explained  to  the  class  of  gaping  students  around  him.  He 
apprised  them,  moreover,  that  the  same  principle  of  gravi- 
tation which  retained  the  water  in  the  bucket  restrains  the 
ocean  from  flying  from  the  earth  in  its  rapid  revolutions; 
and  he  further  informed  them  that  should  the  motion  of 
the  earth  be  suddenly  checked,  it  would  incontinently  fall 
into  the  sun  through  the  centripetal  force  of  gravation — 
a most  ruinous  event  to  this  planet,  and  one  which  would 
also  obscure,  though  it  most  probably  would  not  extinguish 
the  solar  luminary.  An  unlucky  stripling,  one  of  those 
vagrant  geniuses  who  seem  sent  into  the  world  merely  to 


* Pliilos.  Trans.  1795,  p.  72.  Idem.  1801,  p.  265.  Nick.  Pliilos. 
Journ.  I.  p.  18. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


5 


annoy  worthy  men  of  the  puddinghead  order,  desirous  of 
ascertaining  the  correctness  of  the  experiment,  suddenly 
arrested  the  arm  of  the  professor  just  at  the  moment  that 
the  bucket  was  in  its  zenith,  which  immediately  descended 
with  astonishing  precision  upon  the  philosophic  head  of  the 
instructor  of  youth.  A hollow  sound  and  a red-hot  hiss 
attended  the  contact;  but  the  theory  was  in  the  amplest 
manner  illustrated,  for  the  unfortunate  bucket  perished  in 
the  conflict,  but  the  blazing  countenance  of  Professor  Von 
Poddingcoft  emerged  from  amid  the  waters,  glowing 
fiercer  than  ever  with  unutterable  indignation,  whereby 
the  students  were  marvelously  edified,  and  departed  con- 
siderably wiser  than  before. 

It  is  a mortifying  circumstance,  which  greatly  perplexes 
many  a painstaking  philosopher,  that  Nature  often  refuses 
to  second  his  most  profound  and  elaborate  efforts,  so  that, 
after  having  invented  one  of  the  most  ingenious  and 
natural  theories  imaginable,  she  will  have  the  perverseness 
to  act  directly  in  the  teeth  of  his  system  and  flatly  contra- 
dict his  most  favorite  positions.  This  is  a manifest  and 
unmerited  grievance,  since  it  throws  the  censure  of  the 
vulgar  and  unlearned  entirely  upon  the  philosopher; 
whereas  the  fault  is  not  to  be  ascribed  to  his  theory,  which 
is  unquestionably  correct,  but  to  the  waywardness  of  Dame 
Nature,  who,  with  the  proverbial  fickleness  of  her  sex,  is 
continually  indulging  in  coquetries  and  caprices,  and  seems 
really  to  take  pleasure  in  violating  all  philosophic  rules 
and  jilting  the  most  learned  and  indefatigable  of  her 
adorers.  Thus  it  happened  with  respect  to  the  foregoing 
satisfactory  explanation  of  the  motion  of  our  planet:  it  ap- 
pears that  the  centrifugal  force  has  long  since  ceased  to 
operate,  while  its  antagonist  remains  in  undiminished 
potency;  the  world,  therefore,  according  to  the  theory  as  it 
originally  stood,  ought  in  strict  propriety  to  tumble  into 
the  sun;  philosophers  were  convinced  that  it  would  do  so, 
and  awaited  in  anxious  impatience  the  fulfillment  of  their 
prognostics.  But  the  untoward  planet  pertinaciously  con- 
tinued her  course,  notwithstanding  that  she  had  reason, 
philosophy,  and  a whole  university  of  learned  professors 
opposed  to  her  conduct.  The  philosophers  took  this  in 
very  ill  part,  and  it  is  thought  they  would  never  have  par- 
doned the  slight  and  affront  which  they  conceived  put 
upon  them  by  the  world,  hud  not  a good-natured  professor 


6 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


kindly  officiated  as  a mediator  between  the  parties  and 
effected  a reconciliation. 

Finding  the  world  would  not  accommodate  itself  to  the 
theory,  he  wisely  determined  to  accommodate  the  theory  to 
the  world:  he  therefore  informed  his  brother  philosophers 
that  the  circular  motion  of  the  earth  round  the  sun  was  no 
sooner  engendered  by  the  conflicting  impulses  above  de- 
scribed than  it  became  a regular  revolution,  independent  of 
the  causes  which  gave  it  origin.  His  learned  brethren 
readily  joined  in  the  opinion,  being  heartily  glad  of  any 
explanation  that  would  decently  extricate  them  from  their 
embarrassment,  and  ever  since  that  memorable  era  the 
world  has  been  left  to  take  her  own  course,  and  to  revolve 
around  the  sun  in  such  orbit  as  she  thinks  proper. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


7 


CHAPTER  II. 

COSMOGONY,  OR  CREATION  OF  THE  WORLD;  WITH  A MUL- 
TITUDE OF  EXCELLENT  THEORIES,  BY  WHICH  THE  CREA- 
TION OF  A WORLD  IS  SHOWN  TO  BE  NO  SUCH  DIFFICULT 
MATTER  AS  COMMON  FOLK  WOULD  IMAGINE. 

Having  thus  briefly  introduced  my  reader  to  the  world, 
and  given  him  some  idea  of  its  form  and  situation,  he  will 
naturally  be  curious  to. know  from  whence  it  came  and  how 
it  was  created.  And,  indeed,  the  clearing  up  of  these 
points  is  absolutely  essential  to  my  history,  inasmuch  as  if 
this  world  had  not  been  formed  it  is  more  than  probable 
that  this  renowned  island  on  which  is  situated  the  city  of 
New  York  would  never  have  had  an  existence.  The 
regular  course  of  my  history,  therefore,  requires  that  I 
should  proceed  to  notice  the  cosmogony  or  formation 
of  this  our  globe. 

And  now  I give  my  readers  fair  warning  that  I am  about 
to  plunge,  for  a chapter  or  two,  into  as  complete  a labyrinth 
as  ever  historian  was  perplexed  withal;  therefore  I advise 
them  to  take  fast  hold  of  my  skirts  and  keep  close  at  my 
heels,  venturing  neither  to  the  right  hand  nor  to  the  left, 
lest  they  get  bemired  in  a slough  of  unintelligible  learning 
or  have  their  brains  knocked  out  by  some  of  those  hard 
Greek  names  which  will  be  flying  about  in  all  directions. 
But  should  any  of  them  be  too  indolent  or  chicken-hearted 
to  accompany  me  in  this  perilous  undertaking,  they  had 
better  take  a short  cut  round,  and  wait  for  me  at  the 
beginning  of  some  smoother  chapter. 

Of  the  creation  of  the  world  we  have  a thousand  contra- 
dictory accounts,  and,  though  a very  satisfactory  one  is 
furnished  us  by  divine  revelation,  yet  every  philosopher 
feels  himself  in  honor  bound  to  furnish  us  with  a better. 
As  an  impartial  historian  I consider  it  my  duty  to  notice 
their  several  theories  by  which  mankind  have  been  so 
exceedingly  edified  and  instructed, 


8 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


Thus,  it  was  the  opinion  of  certain  ancient  sages  that  the 
earth  and  the  whole  system  of  the  universe  was  the  Diety 
himself;*  a docrine  most  strenuously  maintained  by  Zen- 
ophanes  and  the  whole  tribe  of  Eleatics,  as  also  by  Strabo 
and  the  sect  of  Peripatetic  philosophers.  Pythagoras  like- 
wise inculcated  the  famous  numerical  system  of  the  monad, 
dyad,  and  triad,  and  by  means  of  his  sacred  quaternary 
elucidated  the  formation  of  the  world,  the  arcana  of  nat- 
ure, and  the  principles  both  of  music  and  morals. f Other 
sages  adhered  to  the  mathematical  system  of  squares  and 
triangles,  the  cube,  the  pyramid,  and  the  sphere,  the 
tetrahedron,  the  octahedron,  the  icosahedron,  and  the  dode- 
cahedron while  others  advocated  the  great  elementary 
theory,  which  refers  the  construction  of  our  globe  and  all 
that  it  contains  to  the  combinations  of  four  material  ele- 
ments— air,  earth,  tire,  and  water;  with  the  assistance  of  a 
fifth,  an  immaterial  and  vivifying  principle. 

Nor  must  I omit  to  mention  the  great  atomic  system 
taught  by  old  Moschus  before  the  siege  of  Troy;  revived 
by  Democritus  of  laughing  memory;  improved  by  Epi- 
curus, that  king  of  good  fellows;  and  modernized  by  the 
fanciful  Descartes.  But  I decline  inquiring  whether  the 
atoms,  of  which  the  earth  is  said  to  be  composed,  are  eter- 
nal or  recent;  whether  they  are  animate  or  inanimate; 
whether,  agreeably  to  the  opinion  of  the  atheists,  they  were 
fortuitously  aggregated,  or,  as  the  atheists  maintain,  were 
arranged  by  a supreme  intelligence. § Whether,  in  fact, 
the  earth  be  an  insensate  clod,  or  whether  it  be  animated 
by  a soul; ||  which  opinion  was  strenuously  maintained  by 
a host  of  philosophers,  at  the  head  of  whom  stands  the 
great  Plato,  that  temperate  sage  who  threw  the  cold  water 


* Aristot.  ap.  Cic.  lib.  i.  cap.  3. 

f Aristot.  Metaph.  lib.  i.  c.  5.  Idem,  de  Coelo.  1.  iii.  c.  1.  Rousseau 
mem.  sur.  Musique  ancien.  p.  39.  Plutarcli  de  Plac.  Philos,  lib.  i. 
cap.  3. 

X Tim.  Locr.  ap.  Plato,  t.  iii.  p.  90. 

§ Aristot.  Nat.  Auscult.  1.  ii.  cap.  6.  Aristoph.  Metaph.  lib.  i. 
cap.  3.  Cic.  de  Nat.  Deor.  lib.  i.  cap,  10.  Justin  Mart.  orat.  and  gent. 

p.  20. 

||  Moskeim  in  Cudw.  lib.  i.  cap.  4.  Tim.  de  anim.  mund.  ap. 
Plat,  lib,  Uh  Mm*  do  bAead.  dm  Belles-hettr,  \y  srU,  p,  19, 
§t»  ah 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


9 


of  philosophy  on  the  form  of  sexual  intercourse  and  incul- 
cated the  doctrine  of  Platonic  love— an  exquisitely  refined 
intercourse,  but  much  better  adapted  to  the  ideal  inhabit- 
ants of  his  imaginary  island  of  Atlantis  than  to  the  sturdy 
race,  composed  of  rebellious  flesh  and  blood,  which  popu- 
lates the  little  matter-of-fact  island  we  inhabit. 

Besides  these  systems,  we  have,  moreover,  the  poetical 
theogony  of  old  Hesiod,  who  generated  the  whole  universe 
in  the  regular  mode  of  procreation,  and  the  plausible 
opinion  of  others,  that  the  earth  was  hatched  from  the 
great  egg  of  night,  which  floated  in  chaos  and  was  cracked 
by  the  horns  of  the  celestial  bull.  To  illustrate  this  last 
doctrine,  Burnet  in  his  theory  of  the  earth,*  has  favored 
us  with  an  accurate  drawing  and  description,  both  of  the 
form  and  texture  of  this  mundane  egg,  which  is  found  to 
bear  a marvelous  resemblance  to  that  of  a goose.  Such  of 
my  readers  as  take  a proper  interest  in  the  origin  of  this 
our  planet  will  be  pleased  to  learn  that  the  most  profound 
sages  of  antiquity  among  the  Egyptians,  Chaldeans,  Per- 
sians, Greeks,  and  Latins  have  alternately  assisted  at  the 
hatching  of  this  strange  bird,  and  that  their  eacklings 
have  been  caught,  and  continued  in  different  tones  and 
inflections,  from  philosopher  to  philosopher  unto  the  pres- 
ent day. 

But,  while  briefly  noticing  long-celebrated  systems  of 
ancient  sages,  let  me  not  pass  over  with  neglect  those  of 
other  philosophers,  which,  though  less  universal  and  re- 
nowned, have  equal  claims  to  attention  and  equal  chance 
for  correctness.  Thus  it  is  recorded  by  the  Brahmins,  in 
the  pages  of  their  inspired  Shastah,  that  the  angel  Bistnoo, 
transforming  himself  into  a great  boar,  plunged  into  the 
watery  abyss  and  brought  up  the  earth  on  his  tusks.  Then 
issued  from  him  a mighty  tortoise  and  a mighty  snake;  and 
Bistnoo  placed  the  snake  erect  upon  the  back  of  the  tor- 
toise, and  he  placed  the  earth  upon  the  head  of  the  snake,  f 

The  negro  philosophers  of  Congo  affirm  that  the  world 
was  made  by  the  hands  of  angels,  excepting  their  own 
country,  which  the  Supreme  Being  constructed  himself,  ’ 
that  it  might  be  supremely  excellent.  And  he  took  great 
pains  with  the  inhabitants,  and  made  them  very  black  and 


* Book  i,  cb,  5, 

f HolwolL  OeatM  Philosophy, 


10 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


beautiful;  and  when  he  had  finished  the  first  man  he  was 
well  pleased  with  him,  and  smoothed  him  over  the  face,  and 
lienee  his  nose  and  the  noses  of  all  bis  descendants  became 
flat. 

The  Mohawk  philosophers  tell  us  that  apreg  ant  woman 
fell  down  from  heaven,  and  that  a tortoise  took  her  upon  its 
back,  because  every  place  was  covered  with  water;  and  that 
the  woman,  sitting  upon  the  tortoise,  paddled  with  her 
hands  in  the  water  and  raked  up  the  earth,  whence  it 
finally  happened  that  the  earth  became  higher  than  the 
water.* 

But  I forbear  to  quote  a number  more  of  these  ancient 
and  outlandish  philosophers,  whose  deplorable  ignorance, 
in  despite  of  all  their  erudition,  compelled  them  to  write 
in  languages  which  but  few  of  my  readers  can  understand; 
and  I shall  proceed  briefly  to  notice  a few  more  intelligi- 
ble and  fashionable  theories  of  their  modern  successors. 

And,  first,  I shall  mention  the  great  Buffon,  who  con- 
jectures that  this  globe  was  originally  a globe  of  liquid  fire, 
scintillated  from  the  body  of  the  sun  by  the  percussion  of 
a comet,  as  a spark  is  generated  by  the  collision  of  flint  and 
steel.  That  at  first  it  was  surrounded  by  gross  vapors, 
which,  cooling  and  condensing  in  process  of  time,  consti- 
tuted, according  to  their  densities,  earth,  water,  and  air; 
which  gradually  arranged  themselves,  according  to  their 
respective  gravities,  round  the  burning  or  vitrified  mass 
that  formed  their  center. 

Hutton,  on  the  contrary,  supposes  that  the  waters  at 
first  were  universally  paramount;  and  he  terrifies  himself 
with  the  idea  that  the  earth  must  be  eventually  washed  away 
by  the  force  of  rain,  rivers,  and  mountain-torrents,  until 
it  is  confounded  with  the  ocean,  or,  in  other  words,  abso- 
lutely dissolves  into  itself.  Sublime  idea  ! far  surpassing 
that  of  the  tender-harted  damsel  of  antiquity  who  wept 
herself  into  a fountain,  or  the  good  dame  of  Narbonue  in 
France,  who,  for  a volubility  of  tongue  unusual  in  her  sex, 
was  doomed  to  peel  five  hundred  thousand  and  thirty-nine 
ropes  of  onions,  and  actually  ran  out  at  her  eyes  before  half 
the  hideous  task  was  accomplished. 

Whiston,  the  same  ingenious  philosopher  who  rivaled 


* Johannes  Megapolensis,  Jun,  Account  of  Maquaas  or  Mohawk 
Indians. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


11 


Ditton  in  his  researches  after  the  longitude  (for  which  the 
mischief-loving  Swift  discharged  on  their  heads  a most 
savory  stanza),  has  distinguished  himself  by  a very  admi- 
rable theory  respecting  the  earth.  He  conjectures  that  it 
was  originally  a chaotic  comet,  which  being  selected  for  the 
abode  of  man,  was  removed  from  its  eccentric  orbit  and 
whirled  round  the  sun  in  its  present  regular  motion;  by 
which  change  of  direction  order  succeeded  to  confusion  in 
the  arrangement  of  its  component  parts.  The  philosopher 
adds  that  the  deluge  was  produced  by  an  uncourteous  salute 
from  the  watery  tail  of  another  comet,  doubtless  through 
sheer  envy  of  its  improved  condition,  thus  furnishing  a 
melancholy  proof  that  jealousy  may  prevail  even  among 
the  heavenly  bodies,  and  discord  interrupt  that  celestial 
harmony  of  the  spheres  so  melodiously  sung  by  the  poets. 

But  1 pass  over  a variety  of  excellent  theories,  among 
which  are  those  of  Burnet,  and  Woodward,  and  White- 
hurst— regretting  extremely  that  my  time  will  not  suffer 
me  to  give  them  the  notice  they  deserve — and  shall  con- 
clude with  that  of  the  renowned  Dr.  Darwin.  This  learned 
Theban,  who  is  as  much  distinguished  for  rhyme  as  reason, 
and  for  good-natured  credulity  as  serious  research,  and 
who  has  recommended  himself  wonderfully  to  the  good 
graces  of  the  ladies  by  letting  them  into  all  the  gallantries, 
amours,  debaucheries,  and  other  topics  of  scandal  of  the 
court  of  Flora,  has  fallen  upon  a theory  worthy  of  his 
combustible  imagination.  According  to  his  opinion,  the 
huge  mass  of  chaos  took  a sudden  occasion  to  explode  like 
a barrel  of  gunpowder,  and  in  that  act  exploded  the  sun, 
which  in  its  flight,  by  a simular  convulsion,  exploded  the 
earth,  which  in  like  guise  exploded  the  moon,  and  thus  by 
a concatenation  of  explosions  the  whole  solar  system  was 
produced  and  set  most  systematically  in  motion!* 

By  the  great  variety  of  theories  here  alluded  to,  every 
one  of  which,  if  thoroughly  examined,  will  be  found  sur- 
prisingly consistent  in  all  its  parts,  my  unlearned  readers 
will  perhaps  be  led  to  conclude  that  the  creation  of  a 
world  is  not  so  difficult  a task  as  they  at  first  imagined.  I 
have  shown  at  least  a score  of  ingenious  methods  in  which 
a world  could  be  constructed;  and  I have  no  doubt  that  had 
any  of  the  philosophers  above  quoted  the  use  of  a good 


* Parw,  Pot.  Garden,  Part  1.  Cant.  i.  1.  105. 


12 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


manageable  comet  and  the  philosophical  warehouse  chaos 
at  his  command,  he  would  engage  to  manufacture  a planet 
as  good,  or,  if  you  would  take  his  word  for  it,  better,  than 
this  we  inhabit. 

And  here  I cannot  help  noticing  the  kindness  of  Provi- 
dence in  creating  comets  for  the  great  relief  of  bewildered 
philosophers.  By  their  assistance  more  sudden  evolutions 
and  transitions  are  effected  in  the  system  of  nature  than  are 
wrought  in  a pantomimic  exhibition  by  the  wonder-work- 
ing sword  of  Harlequin.  Should  one  of  our  modern  sages, 
in  his  theoretical  flights  among  the  stars,  ever  find  himself* 
lost  in  the  clouds  and  in  danger  of  tumbling  into  the 
abyss  of  nonsense  and  absurdity,  he  has  but  to  seize  a 
comet  by  the  beard,  mount  astride  of  its  tail,  and  away  he 
gallops  in  triumph,  like  an  enchanter  on  his  hyppogriff 
or  a Connecticut  witch  on  her  broomstick,  “to  sweep  the 
cobwebs  out  of  the  sky.” 

It  is  an  old  and  vulger  saying  about  a “ beggar  on  horse- 
back,” which  I would  not  for  the  world  have  applied  to 
these  reverend  philosophers;  but  I must  confess  that  some 
of  them,  when  they  are  mounted  on  one  of  those  fiery 
steeds,  are  as  wild  in  their  curvetings  as  was  Phaeton  of 
yore  when  he  aspired  to  manage  the  chariot  of  Phoebus. 
One  drives  his  comet  at  full  speed  against  the  sun,  and 
knocks  the  world  out  of  him  with  the  mighty  concussion; 
another,  more  moderate,  makes  his  comet  a kind  of  beast 
of  burden,  carrying  the  sun  a regular  supply  of  food  and 
fagots;  a third,  of  more  combustible  disposition,  threatens 
to  throw  his  comet,  like  a bombshell,  into  the  world  and 
blow  it  up  like  a powder  magazine;  while  a fourth,  with  no 
great  delicacy  to  this  planet  and  its  inhabitants,  insinuates 
that  some  day  or  other  his  comet — my  modest  pen  blushes 
while  J write  it — shall  absolutely  turn  tail  upon  our  world 
and  deluge  it  with  water!  Surely,  as  I have  already  ob- 
served, comets  were  bountifully  provided  by  Providence  for 
the  benefit  of  philosophers  to  assist  them  in  manufactur- 
ing theories. 

And  now,  having  adduced  several  of  the  most  prominent 
theories  that  occur  to  my  recollection,  I leave  my  judicious 
readers  at  full  liberty  to  choose  among  them.  They  are  all 
serious  speculations  of  learned  men,  all  differ  essentially 
from  each  other,  and  all  have  the  same  title  to  belief.  It 
has  ever  been  the  task  of  quo  race  of  philosophers  to 


BISTORT  OF  NEW  YORK. 


13 


demolish  the  works  of  their  predecessors,  and  elevate  more 
splendid  fantasies  in  their  stead,  which  in  their  turn  are 
demolished  and  replaced  by  the  air-castles  of  a succeeding 
generation.  Thus  it  would  seem  that  knowledge  and  genius, 
of  which  we  make  such  great  parade,  consist  but  in  detect- 
ing the  errors  and  absurdities  of  those  who  have  gone  be- 
fore, and  devising  new  errors  and  absurdities,  to  be  detected 
by  those  who  are  to  come  after  us.  Theories  are  the  mighty 
soap-bubbles  with  which  the  grown-up  children  of  science 
amuse  themselves,  while  the  honest  vulgar  stand  gazing  in 
stupid  admiration  and  dignify  these  learned  vagaries  with 
the  name  of  wisdom!  Surely,  Socrates  was  right  in  his 
opinion  that  philosophers  are  but  a soberer  sort  of  madmen, 
busying  themselves  in  things  totally  incomprehensible,  or 
which,  if  they  could  be  comprehended,  would  be  found  not 
worthy  the  trouble  of  discovery. 

For  my  own  part,  until  the  learned  have  come  to  an 
agreement  among  themselves  I shall  content  myself  with 
the  account  handed  down  to  us  by  Moses;  in  which  I do 
but  follow  the  example  of  our  ingenious  neighbors  of  Con- 
necticut, who  at  their  first  settlement  proclaimed  that  the 
colony  should  be  governed  by  the  laws  of  God — until  they 
had  time  to  make  better. 

One  thing,  however,  appears  certain  from  the  unanimous 
authority  of  the  before  quoted  philosophers,  supported  by 
the  evidence  of  our  own  senses  (which,  though  very  apt  to 
deceive  us,  may  be  cautiously  admitted  as  additional  testi- 
mony)— it  appears,  I say — and  I make  the  assertion  de- 
liberately, without  fear  of  contradiction — that  this  globe 
really  was  created , and  that  it  is  composed  of  land  and 
water . It  further  appears  that  it  is  curiously  divided  and 
parceled  out  into  continents  and  islands,  among  which  I 
boldly  declare  the  renowned  Island  of  New  York  will  be 
found  by  any  one  who  seeks  for  it  in  its  proper  place. 


14 


bistort  of  new  torn 


CHAPTER  III. 

HOW  THAT  FAMOUS  NAVIGATOR,  NOAH,  WAS  SHAME- 
FULLY NICKNAMED  ; AND  HOW  HE  COMMITTED  AN  UN- 
PARDONABLE OVERSIGHT  IN  NOT  HAVING  FOUR  SONS; 
WITH  THE  GREAT  TROUBLE  OF  PHILOSOPHERS  CAUSED 
THEREBY,  AND  THE  DISCOVERY  OF  AMERICA. 

Noah,  who  is  the  first  seafaring  man  we  read  of,  begat 
three  sons,  Shem,  Ham,  and  Japhet.  Authors,  it  is  true, 
are  not  wanting  who  affirm  that  the  patriarch  had  a num- 
ber of  other  children.  Thus  Berosus  makes  him  father  of 
the  gigantic  Titans,  Methodius  gives  him  a son  called 
Jonithus  or  Jonicue,  and  others  have  mentioned  a son 
named  Thuiscon,  from  whom  descended  the  Teutons  or 
Teutonics,  or,  in  other  words,  the  Dutch  nation. 

I regret  exceedingly  that  the  nature  of  my  plan  will  not 
permit  me  to  gratify  the  laudable  curiosity  of  my  readers 
by  investigating  minutely  the  history  of  the  great  Noah. 
Indeed,  such  an  undertaking  would  be  attended  with  more 
trouble  than  many  people  would  imagine;  for  the  good  old 
patriarch  seems  to  have  been  a great  traveler  in  his  day, 
and  to  have  passed  under  a different  name  in  every  country 
that  he  visited.  The  Chaldeans,  for  instance,  give  us  his 
story,  merely  altering  his  name  into  Xisuthrus — a trivial 
alteration  which,  to  an  historian  skilled  in  etymologies  will 
appear  wholly  unimportant.  It  appears,  likewise,  that  he 
had  exchanged  his  tarpaulin  and  quadrant  among  the 
Chaldeans  for  the  gorgeous  insignia  of  royalty,  and  appears 
as  a monarch  in  their  annals.  The  Egyptians  celebrate 
him  under  the  name  of  Osiris;  the  Indians  as  Menu;  the 
Greek  and  Roman  writers  confound  him  with  Ogyges;  and 
the  Theban  with  Deucalion  and  Saturn.  But  the  Chinese, 
who  deservedly  rank  among  the  most  extensive  and 
authentic  historians,  inasmuch  as  they  have  known  the 
world  much  longer  than  any  one  else,  declare  that  Noah 
was  no  other  than  Eohi;  and  what  gives  this  assertion 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


15 


some  air  of  credibility  is,  that  it  is  a fact  admitted  by  the 
most  enlightened  literati  that  Noah  traveled  into  China  at 
the  time  of  the  building  of  the  tower  of  Babel  (probably 
to  improve  himself  in  the  study  of  languages),  and  the 
learned  Dr.  Shackford  gives  us  the  additional  information 
that  the  ark  rested  on  a mountain  on  the  frontiers  of 
China. 

From  this  mass  of  rational  conjectures  and  sage  hypoth- 
eses many  satisfactory  deductions  might  be  drawn;  but  I 
shall  content  myself  with  the  simple  fact  stated  in  the 
Bible — viz.  that  Noah  begat  three  sons,  Shem,  Ham,  and 
Japhet.  It  is  astonishing  on  what  remote  and  obscure  con- 
tingencies the  great  affairs  of  this  world  depend,  and  how 
events  the  most  distant,  and  to  the  common  observer  un- 
connected, are  inevitably  consequent  the  one  to  the  other. 
It  remains  to  the  philosopher  to  discover  these  mysterious 
affinities,  and  it  is  the  proudest  triumph  of  his  skill  to 
detect  and  drag  forth  some  latent  chain  of  causation  which 
at  first  sight  appears  a paradox  to  the  inexperienced  ob- 
server. Thus  many  of  my  readers  will  doubtless  wonder 
what  connection  the  family  of  Noah  can  possibly  have  with 
this  history,  and  many  will  stare  when  informed  that  the 
whole  history  of  this  quarter  of  the  world  has  taken  its 
character  and  course  from  the  simple  circumstance  of  the 
patriarch’s  having  but  three  sons;  but  to  explain: 

Noah,  we  are  told  by  sundry  very  credible  historians, 
becoming  sole  surviving  heir  and  proprietor  of  the  earth  in 
fee  simple  after  the  deluge,  like  a good  father  portioned 
out  his  estate  among  his  children.  To  Shem  he  gave 
Asia;  to  Ham,  Africa;  and  to  Japhet,  Europe.  Now,  it  is 
a thousand  times  to  be  lamented  that  he  had  but  three 
sons,  for  had  there  been  a fourth  he  would  doubtless  have 
inherited  America,  which  of  course  would  have  been 
dragged  forth  from  its  obscurity  on  the  occasion,  and  thus 
many  a hard-working  historian  and  philosopher  would 
have  been  spared  a prodigious  mass  of  weary  conjecture 
respecting  the  first  discovery  and  population  of  this  coun- 
try. Noah,  however,  having  provided  for  his  three  sons, 
looked  in  all  probability  upon  our  country  as  mere  wild, 
unsettled  land,  and  said  nothing  about  it;  and  to  this  un- 
pardonable taciturnity  of  the  patriarch  may  we  ascribe 
the  misfortune  that  America  did  not  come  into  the  world 
as  early  as  the  other  quarters  of  the  globe. 


16 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


It  is  true,  some  writers  have  vindicated  him  from  this 
misconduct  toward  posterity  and  asserted  that  he  really 
did  discover  America.  Thus  it  was  the  opinion  of  Mark 
Lescarbot,  a French  writer,  possessed  of  that  ponderosity 
of  thought  and  profoundness  of  reflection  so  peculiar  to  his 
nation,  that  the  immediate  descendants  of  Noah  peopled 
this  quarter  of  the  globe,  and  that  the  old  patriarch  him- 
self, who  still  retained  a passion  for  the  seafaring  life, 
superintended  the  transmigration.  The  pious  and  enlight- 
ened Father  Charlevoix,  a French  Jesuit,  remarkable  for 
his  aversion  to  the  marvelous,  common  to  all  great  travel- 
ers, is  conclusively  of  the  same  opinion;  nay,  he  goes  still 
farther,  and  decides  upon  the  manner  in  which  the  dis- 
covery was  effected,  which  was  by  sea  and  under  the  imme- 
diate direction  of  the  great  Noah.  “ I have  already 
observed,”  exclaims  the  good  father  in  a tone  of  becoming 
indignation,  “that  it  is  an  arbitrary  supposition  that  the 
grandchildren  of  Noah  were  not  able  to  penetrate  into  the 
New  World  or  that  they  never  thought  of  it.  In  effect,  I 
can  see  no  reason  that  can  justify  such  a notion.  Who  can 
seriously  believe  that  Noah  and  his  immediate  descendants 
knew  less  than  we  do,  and  that  the  builder  and  pilot  of 
the  greatest  ship  that  ever  was,  a ship  which  was  formed  to 
traverse  an  unbounded  ocean,  and  had  so  many  shoals  and 
quicksands  to  guard  against,  should  be  ignorant  of,  or 
should  not  have  communicated  to  his  descendants,  the  art 
of  sailing  on  the  ocean?”  Therefore,  they  did  sail  on 
the  ocean;  therefore,  they  sailed  to  America;  therefore, 
America  was  discovered  by  Noah! 

Now,  all  this  exquisite  chain  of  reasoning,  which  is  so 
strikingly  characteristic  of  the  good  father,  being  ad- 
dressed to  the  faith  rather  than  the  understanding,  is  flatly 
opposed  by  Hans  de  Laet,  who  declares  it  a real  and  most 
ridiculous  paradox  to  suppose  that  Noah  ever  entertained 
the  thought  of  discovering  America;  and  as  Hans  is  a 
Dutch  writer,  I am  inclined  to  believe  he  must  have  been 
much  better  acquainted  with  the  worthy  crew  of  the  ark  than 
his  competitors,  and  of  course  possessed  of  more  accurate 
sources  of  information.  It  is  astonishing  how  intimate  his- 
torians do  daily  become  with  the  patriarchs  and  other  great 
men  of  antiquity.  As  intimacy  improves  with  time,  and 
as  the  learned  are  particularly  inquisitive  and  familiar  in 
their  acquaintance  with  the  ancients,  I should  not  be  sur- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


17 


prised  if  some  future  writers  should  gravely  give  us  a 
picture  of  men  and  manners  as  they  existed  before  the 
flood,  far  more  copious  and  accurate  than  the  Bible,  and 
that  in  the  course  of  another  century  the  log-book  of  the 
good  Noah  should  be  as  current  among  historians  as  the 
voyages  of  Captain  Cook  or  the  renowned  history  of  Robin- 
son Crusoe. 

I shall  not  occupy  my  time  by  discussing  the  huge  mass 
of  additional  suppositions,  conjectures,  and  probabilities 
respecting  the  first  discovery  of  this  country  with  which 
unhappy  historians  overload  themselves  in  their  endeavors 
to  satisfy  the  doubts  of  an  incredulous  world.  It  is  pain- 
ful to  see  these  laborious  wights  panting  and  toiling  and 
sweating  under  an  enormous  burden  at  the  very  outset  of 
their  works,  which  on  being  open  turns  out  to  be  nothing 
but  a mighty  bundle  of  straw.  As,  however,  by  unwearied 
assiduity  they  seem  to  have  established  the  fact,  to  the  satis- 
faction of  all  the  world,  that  this  country  lias  been  dis- 
covered, I shall  avail  myself  of  their  useful  labors  to  be  ex- 
tremely brief  upon  this  point. 

I shall  not,  therefore,  stop  to  inquire  whether  America 
was  first  discovered  by  a wandering  vessel  of  that  celebrated 
Phoenician  fleet  which,  according  to  Herodotus,  circum- 
navigated Africa,  or  by  that  Carthaginian  expedition  which, 
Pliny  the  naturalist  inform  us,  discovered  the  Canary 
Islands;  or  whether  it  was  settled  by  a temporary  colony 
from  Tyre,  as  hinted  by  Aristotle  and  Seneca.  I shall 
neither  inquire  whether  it  was  first  discovered  by  the 
Chinese,  as  Vossius  with  great  shrewdness  advances;  nor 
by  the  Norwegians  in  1002,  under  Biorn;  nor  by  Behem, 
the  German  navigator,  as  Mr.  Otto  has  endeavored  to  prove 
to  the  savans  of  the  learned  city  of  Philadelphia. 

Nor  shall  I investigate  the  more  modern  claims  of  the 
Welsh,  founded  on  the  voyage  of  Prince  Madoc  in  the 
eleventh  century,  who  having  never  returned,  it  has  since 
been  wisely  concluded  that  he  must  have  gone  to  America, 
and  that  for  a plain  reason:  if  he  did  not  go  there,  where 
else  could  he  have  gone?  a question  which  most  socrati- 
cally  shuts  out  all  further  dispute. 

Laying  aside,  therefore,  all  the  conjectures  above  men- 
tioned, with  a multitude  of  others  equally  satisfactory,  I 
shall  take  for  granted  the  vulgar  opinion  that  America  was 
discovered  on  the  12th  of  October,  1492,  by  Christoval 


18 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Colon,  a Genoese,  who  has  been  clumsily  nicknamed 
Columbus,  but  for  what  reason  I cannot  discern.  Of 
the  voyages  and  adventures  of  this  Colon  I shall  say  noth- 
ing, seeing  that  they  are  already  sufficiently  known.  Nor 
shall  I undertake  to  prove  that  this  country  should  have 
been  called  Colonia,  after  his  name,  that  being  notoriously 
self  evident. 

Having  thus  happily  got  my  readers  on  this  side  of  the 
Atlantic,  I picture  them  to  myself  all  impatience  to  enter 
upon  the  enjoyment  of  the  land  of  promise,  and  in  full 
expectation  that  I will  immediately  deliver  it  into  their 
possession.  But  if  I do  may  I ever  forfeit  the  reputation 
of  a regular  bred  historian!  No,  no,  most  curious  and 
thrice-learned  readers  (for  thrice  learned  ye  are  if  ye  have 
read  all  that  has  gone  before,  and  nine  times  learned  shall 
ye  be  if  ye  read  that  which  comes  after);  we  have  yet  a 
world  of  work  before  us.  Think  you  the  first  discoverers 
of  this  fair  quarter  of  the  globe  had  nothing  to  do  but  go 
on  shore  and  find  a country  ready  laid  out  and  cultivated 
like  a garden,  wherein  they  might  revel  at  their  ease?  No 
such  thing;  they  had  forests  to  cut  down,  underwood  to 
grub  up,  marshes  to  drain,  and  savages  to  exterminate. 

In  like  manner,  I have  sundry  doubts  to  clear  away, 
questions  to  resolve,  and  paradoxes  to  explain  before  I per- 
mit you  to  range  at  random;  but  these  difficulties  once 
overcome,  we  shall  be  enabled  to  jog  on  right  merrily 
through  the  rest  of  our  history.  Thus  my  work  shall,  in 
a manner,  echo  the  nature  of  the  subject  in  the  same 
manner  as  the  sound  of  poetry  has  been  found  by  cer- 
tain shrewd  critics  to  echo  the  sense — this  being  an  im- 
provement in  history  which  I claim  the  merit  of  having 
invented. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


19 


CHAPTER  IV. 

SHOWING  THE  GREAT  DIFFICULTY  PHILOSOPHERS  HAVE 
HAD  IN  PEOPLING  AMERICA;  AND  HOW  THE  ABORIG- 
INES CAME  TO  BE  BEGOTTEN  BY  ACCIDENT — TO  THE 
GREAT  RELIEF  AND  SATISFACTION  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 

The  next  inquiry  at  which  we  arrive  in  the  regular 
course  of  our  history  is  to  ascertain,  if  possible,  how  this 
country  was  originally  peopled — a point  fruitful  of  incredi- 
ble embarrassments,  for  unless  we  prove  that  the  aborigines 
did  absolutely  come  from  somewhere,  it  will  be  immedi- 
ately asserted,  in  this  age  of  skepticism,  that  they  did  not 
come  at  all;  and  if  they  did  not  come  at  all,  then  was  this 
country  never  populated — a conclusion  perfectly  agreeable 
to  the  rules  of  logic,  but  wholly  irreconcilable  to  every  feel- 
ing of  humanity,  inasmuch  as  it  must  syllogistically 
prove  fatal  to  the  innumerable  aborigines  of  this  populous 
region. 

To  avert  so  dire  a sophism,  and  to  rescue  from  logical 
annihilation  so  many  millions  of  fellow-creatures,  how 
many  wings  of  geese  have  been  plundered!  what  oceans  of 
ink  have  been  benevolently  drained!  and  how  many  capa- 
cious heads  of  learned  historians  have  been  addled  and  for 
every  confounded!  I pause  with  reverential  awe  when  I 
contemplate  the  ponderous  tomes  in  different  languages 
with  which  they  have  endeavored  to  solve  this  question,  so 
important  to  the  happiness  of  society,  but  so  involved  in 
clouds  of  impenetrable  obscurity.  Historian  after  historian 
has  engaged  in  the  endless  circle  of  hypothetical  argument, 
and  after  leading  us  a weary  chase  through  octavos,  quartos, 
and  folios,  has  let  us  out  at  the  end  of  his  work  just  as  wise 
as  we  were  at  the  beginning.  It  was  doubtless  some  philo- 
sophical wild-goose  chase  of  the  kind  that  made  the  old 
poet  Macrobius  rail  in  such  a passion  at  curiosity,  which 
he  anathematizes  most  heartily  as  “ an  irksome,  agonizing 
care,  a superstitious  industry  about  unprofitable  things, 


20 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


an  itching  humor  to  see  what  is  not  to  be  seen,  and  to 
be  doing  what  signifies  nothing  when  it  is  done.”  But  to 
proceed : 

Of  the  claims  of  the  children  of  Noah  to  the  original 
population  of  this  country  I shall  say  nothing,  as  they  have 
already  been  touched  upon  in  my  last  chapter.  The  claim- 
ants next  in  celebrity  are  the  descendants  of  Abraham. 
Thus  Christoval  Colon  (vulgarly  called  Columbus),  when 
he  first  discovered  the  gold-mines  of  Hispaniola,  imme- 
diately concluded,  with  a shrewdness  that  would  have  done 
honor  to  a philosopher,  that  he  had  found  the  ancient 
Ophir,  from  whence  Solomon  procured  the  gold  for  embel- 
lishing the  temple  at  Jerusalem  ; nay,  Colon  even  im- 
agined that  he  saw  the  remains  of  furnaces  of  veritable 
Hebraic  construction  employed  in  refining  the  precious  ore. 
So  golden  a conjecture,  tinctured  with  such  fascinating 
extravagance,  was  too  tempting  not  to  be  immediately 
snapped  at  by  the  gudgeons  of  learning;  and  accordingly 
there  were  divers  profound  writers  ready  to  swear  to  its 
correctness,  and  to  bring  in  their  usual  load  of  authorities 
and  wise  surmises  wherewithal  to  prop  it  up.  Vetablus 
and  Robertus  Stephens  declared  nothing  could  be  more 
clear;  Arius  Montanus,  without  the  least  hesitation,  asserts 
that  Mexico  was  the  true  Ophir  and  the  Jews  the  early 
settlers  of  the  country;  while  Possevin,  Becan,  and  several 
other  sagacious  writers  lug  in  a supposed  prophecy  of  the 
fourth  book  of  Esdras,  which,  being  inserted  in  the  mighty 
hypothesis  like  the  keystone  of  an  arch,  gives  it,  in  their 
opinion,  perpetual  durability. 

Scarce,  however,  have  they  completed  their  goodly  super- 
structure than  in  trudges  a phalanx  of  opposite  authors, 
with  Hans  de  Laet,  the  great  Dutchman,  at  their  head,  and 
at  one  blow  tumbles  the  whole  fabric  about  their  ears. 
Hans,  in  fact,  contradicts  outright  all  the  Israelitish  claims 
to  the  first  settlement  of  this  country,  attributing  all  those 
equivocal  symptoms  and  traces  of  Christianity  and  Judaism 
which  have  been  said  to  be  found  in  divers  provinces  of 
the  New  World  to  the  Devil , who  has  always  affected  to 
counterfeit  the  worship  of  the  true  Diety.  “A  remark,” 
says  the  knowing  old  Padre  d'Acosta,  “made  by  all  good 
authors  who  have  spoken  of  the  religion  of  nations  newly 
discovered,  and  founded  besides  on  the  authority  of  the 
fathers  of  the  Church .” 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


21 


Some  writers,  again — among  whom  it  is  with  much  re- 
gret I am  compelled  to  mention  Lopez  de  Gomara  and 
Juan  de  Leri — insinuate  that  the  Canaanites,  being  driven 
from  the  land  of  promise  by  the  Jews,  were  seized  with  such 
a panic  that  they  fled  without  looking  behind  them,  until, 
stopping  to  take  breath,  they  found  themselves  safe  in 
America.  As  they  brought  neither  their  national  lan- 
guage, manners,  nor  features  with  them,  it  is  supposed  they 
left  them  behind  in  the  hurry  of  their  flight.  I cannot 
give  my  faith  to  this  opinion. 

I pass  over  the  supposition  of  the  learned  Grotius — who, 
being  both  an  ambassador  and  a Dutchman  to  boot,  is  en- 
titled to  great  respect — that  North  America  was  peopled 
by  a strolling  company  of  Norwegians,  and  that  Peru  was 
founded  by  a colony  from  China — Manco  or  Mango  Capac, 
the  first  Inca,  being  himself  a Chinese.  Nor  shall  I more 
than  barely  mention  that  Father  Kircher  ascribes  the  set- 
tlement of  America  to  the  Egyptians,  Eudbeck  to  the 
Scandinavians,  Charron  to  the  Gauls,  Jeffredus  Petri  to  a 
skating-party  from  Friesland,  Milius  to  the  Celtae,  Mari- 
nocus  the  Sicilian  to  the  Romans,  Le  Compte  to  the  Phoe- 
nicians, Postel  to  the  Moors,  Martyn  d'Angleria  to  the 
Abyssinians,  together  with  the  sage  surmise  of  De  Laet 
that  England,  Ireland,  and  the  Orcades  may  contend  for 
that  honor. 

Nor  will  I bestow  any  more  attention  or  credit  to  the 
idea  that  America  is  the  fairy  region  of  Zipangri,  described 
by  that  dreaming  traveler,  Marco  Polo  the  Venetian;  or 
that  it  comprises  the  visionary  island  of  Atlantis,  described 
by  Plato.  Neither  will  I stop  to  investigate  the  heathenish 
assertion  of  Paracelsus,  that  each  hemisphere  of  the  globe 
was  originally  furnished  with  an  Adam  and  Eve;  or  the 
more  flattering  opinion  of  Dr.  Romayne,  supported  by 
many  nameless  authorities,  that  Adam  was  of  the  Indian 
race;  or  the  startling  conjecture  of  Buffon,  Helvetius,  and 
Darwin,  so  highly  honorable  to  mankind,  that  the  whole 
human  species  is  accidentally  descended  from  a remarkable 
family  of  monkeys! 

This  last  conjecture,  I must  own,  came  upon  me  very 
suddenly  and  very  ungraciously.  I have  often  beheld  the 
clown  in  a pantomime,  while  gazing  in  stupid  wonder  at 
the  extravagrant  gambols  of  a harlequin,  all  at  once  elec- 
trified by  a sudden  stroke  of  the  wooden  sword  across  his 


22 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


shoulders.  Little  did  I think  at  such  times  that  it  would 
ever  fall  to  my  lot  to  be  treated  with  equal  discourtesy,  and 
that  while  I was  quietly  beholding  these  grave  philosophers 
emulating  the  eccentric  transformations  of  the  hero  of 
pantomime,  they  would  on  a sudden  turn  upon  me  and  my 
readers  and  with  one  hypothetical  flourish  metamorphose 
us  into  beasts!  I determined  from  that  moment  not  to 
burn  my  fingers  with  any  more  of  their  theories,  but  content 
myself  with  detailing  the  different  methods  by  which 
they  transported  the  descendants  of  these  ancient  and 
respectable  monkeys  to  this  great  field  of  theoretical  war- 
fare. 

This  was  done  either  by  migrations  by  land  or  trans- 
migrations by  water.  Thus  Padre  Joseph  d’ Acosta  enu- 
merates three  passages  by  the  land:  first  by  the  north 
of  Europe;  secondly,  by  the  north  of  Asia;  and  thirdly, 
by  regions  southward  of  the  Straits  of  Magellan.  The 
learned  Grotius  marches  his  Norwegians  by  a pleasant 
route  across  frozen  rivers  and  arms  of  the  sea,  through  Ice- 
land, Greenland,  Estotiland,  and  Naremberga;  and  various 
writers,  among  whom  are  Angleria,  De  Hornn,  and  Buffon, 
anxious  for  the  accommodation  of  these  travelers,  have 
fastened  the  two  continents  together  by  a strong  chain  of 
deductions — by  which  means  they  could  pass  over  dry-shod. 
But  should  even  this  fail,  Pinkerton,  that  industrious  old 
gentlemen  who  compiles  books  and  manufactures  geog- 
raphies, has  constructed  a natural  bridge  of  ice  from 
continent  to  continent  at  the  distance  of  four  or  five  miles 
from  Behring’s  Straits;  for  which  he  is  entitled  to  the 
grateful  thanks  of  all  the  wandering  aborigines  who  ever 
did  or  ever  will  pass  over  it. 

It  is  an  evil  much  to  be  lamented  that  none  of  the 
worthy  writers  above  quoted  could  ever  commence  his  work 
without  immediately  declaring  hostilities  against  every 
writer  who  had  treated  of  the  same  subject.  In  this  par- 
ticular authors  may  be  compared  to  a certain  sagacious 
bird,  which  in  building  its  nest  is  sure  to  pull  to  pieces  the 
nests  of  all  the  birds  in  its  neighborhood.  This  unhappy 
propensity  tends  grievously  to  impede  the  progress  of  sound 
knowledge.  Theories  are  at  best  but  brittle  productions, 
and  when  once  committed  to  the  stream  they  should  take 
care  that,  like  the  notable  pots  which  were  fellow- voyagers, 
they  do  not  crack  each  other. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


23 


My  chief  surprise  is,  that  among  the  many  writers  I 
have  noticed  no  one  has  attempted  to  prove  that  this  coun- 
try was  peopled  from  the  moon;  or  that  the  first  inhabit- 
ants floated  hither  on  islands  of  ice,  as  white  bears  cruise 
about  the  northern  oceans;  or  that  they  were  conveyed 
hither  by  balloons,  as  modern  aeronauts  pass  from  Dover 
to  Calais;  or  by  witchcraft,  as  Simon  Magus  posted  among 
the  stars;  or  after  the  manner  of  the  renowned  Scythian 
Abaris,  who,  like  the  New  England  witches  on  full-blooded 
broomsticks,  made  most  unheard-of  journeys  on  the  back 
of  a golden  arrow  given  him  by  the  Hyperborean  Apollo. 

But  there  is  still  one  mode  left  by  which  this  country 
could  have  been  peopled,  which  I have  reserved  for  the 
last,  because  I consider  it  worth  all  the  rest:  it  is — by  acci- 
dent! Speaking  of  the  islands  of  Solomon,  New  Guinea, 
and  New  Holland,  the  profound  Father  Charlevoix  ob- 
serves: “In  fine,  all  these  countries  are  peopled,  and  it  is 
possible  some  have  been  so  by  accident . Now,  if  it  could 
have  happened  in  that  manner,  why  might  it  not  have  been 
at  the  same  time  and  by  the  same  means  with  the  other  parts 
of  the  globe?”  This  ingenious  mode  of  deducing  certain 
conclusions  from  possible  premises  is  an  improvement  in 
syllogistic  skill,  and  proves  the  good  father  superior  even  to 
Archimedes,  for  he  can  turn  the  world  without  anything  to 
rest  his  lever  upon.  It  is  only  surpassed  by  the  dexterity 
with  which  the  sturdy  old  Jesuit  in  another  place  cuts  the 
gordian  knot.  “Nothing,”  says  he,  “is  more  easy.  The 
inhabitants  of  both  hemispheres  are  certainly  the  descend- 
ants of  the  same  father.  The  common  father  of  mankind 
received  an  express  order  from  Heaven  to  people  the  world, 
and  accordingly  it  has  been  peopled.  To  bring  this  about  it 
was  necessary  to  overcome  all  difficulties  in  the  way,  and 
they  have  also  been  overcome!”  Pious  logician!  How  does 
he  put  all  the  herd  of  laborious  theorists  to  the  blush  by 
explaining  in  five  words  what  it  has  cost  them  volumes  to 
prove  they  knew  nothing  about! 

From  all  the  authorities  here  quoted,  and  a variety  of 
others  which  I have  consulted,  but  which  are  omitted 
through  fear  of  fatiguing  the  unlearned  reader,  I can  only 
draw  the  following  conclusions,  which  luckily,  however,  are 
sufficient  for  my  purpose:  First,  that  this  part  of  the  world 
has  actually  been  peopled  (Q.  E.  D.),  to  support  which  we 
have  living  proofs  in  the  numerous  tribes  of  Indians  that 


24 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


inhabit  it.  Secondly,  that  it  has  been  peopled  in  five  hun- 
dred different  ways,  as  proved  by  a cloud  of  authors  who, 
from  the  positiveness  of  their  assertions,  seem  to  have  been 
eye-witnesses  to  the  fact.  Thirdly,  that  the  people  of  this 
country  had  a variety  of  fathers , which,  as  it  may  not  be 
thought  much  to  their  credit  by  the  common  run  of  readers, 
the  less  we  say  on  the  subject  the  better.  The  question, 
therefore,  I trust,  is  for  ever  at  rest. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


25 


CHAPTER  V. 

IN  WHICH  THE  AUTHOR  PUTS  A MIGHTY  QUESTION"  TO 

THE  ROUT  BY  THE  ASSISTANCE  OF  THE  MAN  IN  THE 

moon;  which  not  only  DELIVERS  thousands  of 

PEOPLE  FROM  GREAT  EMBARRASSMENT,  BUT  LIKEWISE 

CONCLUDES  THIS  INTRODUCTORY  BOOK. 

The  writer  of  a history  may,  in  some  respects,  be  lik- 
ened unto  an  adventurous  knight,  who,  having  undertaken 
a perilous  enterprise  by  way  of  establishing  his  fame,  feels 
bound,  in  honor  and  chivalry,  to  turn  back  for  no  diffi- 
culty nor  hardship,  and  never  to  shrink  or  quail  whatever 
enemy  he  may  encounter.  Under  this  impression  I reso- 
lutely draw  my  pen  and  fall  to,  with  might  and  main,  at 
those  doughty  questions  and  subtle  parodoxes  which,  like 
fiery  dragons  and  bloody  giants,  beset  the  entrance  to  my 
history  and  would  fain  repulse  me  from  the  very  threshold. 
And  at  this  moment  a gigantic  question  has  started  up, 
which  I must  needs  take  by  the  beard  and  utterly  subdue 
before  I can  advance  another  step  in  my  historic  undertak- 
ing; but  I trust  this  will  be  the  last  adversary  I shall  have 
to  contend  with,  and  that  in  the  next  book  I shall  be  ena- 
bled to  conduct  my  readers  in  triumph  into  the  body  of 
my  work. 

The  question  which  has  thus  suddenly  arisen  is,  What 
right  had  the  first  discoverers  of  America  to  land  and  take 
possession  of  a country  without  first  gaining  the  consent  of 
its  inhabitants  or  yielding  them  an  adequate  compensation 
for  their  territory?  a question  which  has  withstoood  many 
fierce  assaults,  and  has  given  much  distress  of  mind  to  mul- 
titudes of  kind-hearted  folk.  And  indeed,  until  it  be  totally 
vanquished  and  put  to  rest  the  worthy  people  of  America 
can  by  no  means  enjoy  the  soil  they  inhabit  with  clear 
right  and  title  and  quiet,  unsullied  consciences. 

The  first  source  of  right  by  which  property  is  acquired 
in  a country  is  discovery.  For  as  all  mankind  have  au 


26 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


equal  right  to  anything  which  has  never  before  been  appro- 
priated, so  any  nation  that  discovers  an  uninhabited  coun- 
try and  takes  possession  thereof  is  considered  as  enjoy* 
ing  full  property  and  absolute  unquestionable  empire 
therein.* 

. This  proposition  being  admitted, it  follows  clearly  that  the 
Europeans  who  first  visited  America  were  the  real  discov- 
erers of  the  same;  nothing  being  necessary  to  the  establish- 
ment of  this  fact  but  simply  to  prove  that  it  was  totally  unin- 
habited by  man.  This  would  at  first  appear  to  be  a point 
of  some  difficulty,  for  it  is  well  known  that  this  quarter  of 
the  world  abounded  with  certain  animals  that  walked  erect 
on  two  feet,  had  something  of  the  human  countenance, 
uttered  certain  unintelligible  sounds  very  much  like  lan- 
guage— in  short,  had  a marvelous  resemblance  to  human 
beings.  But  the  zealous  and  enlightened  fathers  who  accom- 
panied the  discoverers  for  the  purpose  of  promoting  the 
kingdom  of  heaven  by  establishing  fat  monasteries  and 
bishoprics  on  earth,  soon  cleared  up  this  point,  greatly  to 
the  satisfaction  of  His  Holiness  the  pope  and  of  all  Christ- 
ian voyagers  and  discoverers. 

They  plainly  proved — and  as  there  were  no  Indian 
writers  arose  on  the  other  side,  the  fact  was  considered  as 
fully  admitted  and  established — that  the  two  legged  race 
of  animals  before  mentioned  were  mere  cannibals,  detest- 
able monsters,  and  many  of  them  giants;  which  last 
description  of  vagrants  have  since  the  times  of  Gog,  Magog, 
and  Goliath  been  considered  as  outlaws,  and  have  received 
no  quarter  in  either  history,  chivalry,  or  song.  Indeed, 
even  the  philosophic  Bacon  declared  the  Americans  to  be 
people  proscribed  by  the  laws  of  nature,  inasmuch  as  they 
had  a barbarous  custom  of  sacrificing  men  and  feeding 
upon  man’s  flesh. 

Nor  are  these  all  the  proofs  of  their  utter  barbarism: 
among  many  other  writers  of  discernment  Ullo  tells  us, 
.“Their  imbecility  is  so  visible  that  one  can  hardly  form  an 
idea  of  them  different  from  what  one  has  of  the  brutes. 
Nothing  disturbs  the  tranquillity  of  their  souls,  equally 
insensible  to  disasters  and  to  prosperity.  Though  half 
naked,  they  are  as  contented  as  a monarch  in  his  most 
splendid  array.  Fear  makes  no  impression  on  them,  and 


* Gfrotius,  Puffendorf,  b.  v,  c.  4.  Vattel,  b.  i.  c.  18,  etc. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


27 


respect  as  little.”  All  this  is  furthermore  supported  by  the 
authority  of  M.  Bouguer.  “It  is  not  easy,”  says  he,  “to 
describe  the  degree  of  their  indifference  for  wealth  and  all 
its  advantages.  One  does  not  well  know  what  motives  to 
propose  to  them  when  one  would  persuade  them  to  any  serv- 
ice. It  is  vain  to  offer  them  money;  they  answer  they  are 
not  hungry.”  And  Vanegas  confirms  the  whole,  assuring 
us  that  “ambition  they  have  none,  and  are  more  desirous 
of  being  thought  strong  than  valiant.  The  objects  of 
ambition  with  us — honor,  fame,  reputation,  riches,  posts 
and  distinctions — are  unknown  among  them.  So  that 
this  powerful  spring  of  action,  the  cause  of  so  much  seem- 
ing good  and  real  evil  in  the  world,  has  no  power  over 
them.  In  a word,  these  unhappy  mortals  may  be  compared 
to  children,  in  whom  the  development  of  reason  is  not  com- 
pleted.” 

Now  all  these  pecularities,  although  in  the  unenlight- 
ened states  of  Greece  they  would  have  entitled  their  pos- 
sessors to  immortal  honor  as  having  reduced  to  practice 
those  rigid  and  abstemious  maxims  the  mere  talking  about 
which  acquired  certain  old  Greeks  the  reputation  of  sages 
and  philosophers — yet  were  they  clearly  proved  in  the  pres- 
ent instance  to  betoken  a most  abject  and  brutified  nature, 
totally  beneath  the  human  character.  But  the  benevolent 
fathers  who  had  undertaken  to  turn  these  unhappy  sav- 
ages into  dumb  beasts  by  dint  of  argument  advanced  still 
stronger  proofs;  for,  as  certain  divines  of  the  sixteenth 
century,  and  among  the  rest  Lullus,  affirm  the  Americans 
go  naked,  and  have  no  beards!  “They  have  nothing,” 
says  Lullus,  “of  the  reasonable  animal,  except  the  mask.” 
And  even  that  mask  was  allowed  to  avail  them  but  little, 
for  it  was  soon  found  that  they  were  of  a hideous  copper 
complexion,  and,  being  of  a copper  complexion,  it  was  all 
the  same  as  if  they  were  negroes — and  negroes  are  black, 
“and  black,”  said  the  pious  fathers,  devoutly  crossing 
themselves^  “is  the  color  of  the  devil!”  Therefore,  so  far 
from  being  able  to  own  property,  they  had  no  right  even  to 
personal  freedom,  for  liberty  is  too  radiant  a deity  to  in- 
habit such  gloomy  temples.  All  which  circumstances 
plainly  convinced  the  righteous  followers  of  Cortes  and 
Pizarro  that  these  miscreants  had  no  title  to  the  soil  that 
they  infested — that  they  were  a perverse,  illiterate,  dumb, 
beardless,  black  seed — mere  wild  beasts  of  the  forests, 


28 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


and  like  them  should  either  be  subdued  or  extermi- 
nated. 

From  the  foregoing  arguments,  therefore,  and  a variety 
of  others  equally  conclusive  which  I forbear  to  enumerate, 
it  is  clehrly  evident  that  this  fair  quarter  of  the  globe  when 
first  visited  by  Europeans  was  a howling  wilderness,  inhab- 
ited by  nothing  but  wild  beasts,  and  that  the  transatlantic 
visitors  acquired  an  incontrovertible  property  therein  by 
the  right  of  discovery . 

This  right  being  fully  established,  we  now  come  to  the 
next,  which  is  the  right  acquired  by  cultivation . “The cul- 
tivation of  the  soil,”  we  are  told,  “is  an  obligation  imposed 
by  nature  on  mankind.  The  whole  world  is  appointed  for 
the  nourishment  of  its  inhabitants,  but  it  would  be  incapa- 
ble of  doing  it  was  it  uncultivated.  Every  nation  is  then 
obliged  by  the  law  of  nature  to  cultivate  the  ground  that 
has  fallen  to  its  share.  Those  people,  like  the  ancient  Ger- 
mans and  modern  Tartars,  who,  having  fertile  countries, 
disdain  to  cultivate  the  earth  and  choose  to  live  by  rapine, 
are  wanting  to  themselves,  and  deserve  to  le  exterminated 
as  savage  and  pernicious  leasts”* 

Now  it  is  notorious  that  the  savages  knew  nothing  of 
agriculture  when  first  discovered  by  the  Europeans,  but 
lived  a most  vagabond,  disorderly,  unrighteous  life — ram- 
bling from  place  to  place  and  prodigally  rioting  upon  the 
spontaneous  luxuries  of  nature,  without  tasking  her  gener- 
osity to  yield  them  anything  more;  whereas  it  has  been 
most  unquestionably  shown  that  Heaven  intended  the  earth 
should  be  plowed,  and  sown,  and  manured,  and  laid  out 
into  cities,  and  towns,  and  farms,  and  country-seats,  and 
pleasure-grounds,  and  public  gardens — all  which  the  In- 
dians knew  nothing  about;  therefore  they  did  not  improve 
the  talents  Providence  had  bestowed  on  them;  there- 
fore, they  were  careless  stewards;  therefore,  they  had  no 
right  to  the  soil;  therefore,  they  deserved  to  be  extermin- 
ated. 

It  is  true  the  savages  might  plead  that  they  drew  all  the 
benefits  from  the  land  which  their  simple  wants  required — 
they  found  plenty  of  game  to  hunt,  which,  together  with 
the  roots  and  uncultivated  fruits  of  the  earth,  furnished  a 
sufficient  variety  for  their  frugal  repasts;  and  that  as 


* Vattel,  b.  i.  ch.  17. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


29 


Heaven  merely  designed  the  earth  to  form  the  abode  and 
satisfy  the  wants  of  man,  so  long  as  those  purposes  were 
answered  the  will  of  Heaven  was  accomplished.  But  this 
only  proves  how  undeserving  they  were  of  the  blessings 
around  them:  they  were  so  much  the  more  savages  for  not 
having  more  wants;  for  knowledge  is  in  some  degree  an 
increase  of  desires,  and  it  is  this  superiority,  both  in  the 
number  and  magnitude  of  his  desires,  that  distinguishes 
the  man  from  the  beast.  Therefore  the  Indians,  in  not 
having  more  wants,  were  very  unreasonable  animals,  and 
it  was  but  just  that  they  should  make  way  for  the  Euro- 
peans, who  had  a thousand  wants  to  their  one,  and  there- 
fore would  turn  the  earth  to  more  account,  and  by  culti- 
vating it  more  truly  fulfill  the  will  of  Heaven.  Besides, 
Grotius  and  Lauterbach  and  Puffendorff  and  Titius  and 
many  wise  men  besides,  who  have  considered  the  matter 
properly,  have  determined  that  the  property  of  a country 
cannot  be  acquired  by  hunting,  cutting  wood,  or  drawing 
water  in  it;  nothing  but  precise  demarcation  of  limits  and 
the  intention  of  cultivation  can  establish  the  possession. 
Now  as  the  savages  (probably  from  never  having  read  the 
authors  above  quoted)  had  never  complied  with  any  of  these 
necessary  forms,  it  plainly  follows  that  they  had  no  right  to 
the  soil,  but  that  it  was  completely  at  the  disposal  of  the 
first-comers,  who  had  more  knowledge,  more  wants  and 
more  elegant — that  is  to  say,  artificial — desires  than  them- 
selves. 

In  entering  upon  a newly-discovered,  uncultivated  coun- 
try, therefore,  the  new-comers  were  but  taking  possession 
of  what,  according  to  the  aforesaid  doctrine,  was  their  own 
property;  therefore,  in  opposing  them  the  savages  were 
invading  their  just  rights,  infringing  the  immutable  laws 
of  nature  and  counteracting  the  will  of  Heaven;  there- 
fore, they  were  guilty  of  impiety,  burglary,  and  trespass 
on  the  case;  therefore,  they  were  hardened  offenders 
against  God  and  man;  therefore,  they  ought  to  be  exter- 
minated. 

But  a more  irresistible  right  than  either  that  I have 
mentioned,  and  one  which  will  be  the  most  readily  admitted 
by  my  reader,  provided  he  be  blessed  with  bowels  of  charity 
and  philanthropy,  is  the  right  acquired  by  civilization.  All 
the  world  knows  the  lamentable  state  in  which  these  poor 
savages  were  found.  Not  only  deficient  in  the  comforts  of 


30 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


life,  but,  what  is  still  worse,  most  piteously  and  unfortu- 
nately blind  to  the  miseries  of  their  situation.  But  no 
sooner  did  the  benevolent  inhabitants  of  Europe  behold 
their  sad  condition  than  they  immediately  went  to  work  to 
ameliorate  and  improve  it.  They  introduced  among  them 
rum,  gin,  brandy,  and  the  other  comforts  of  life;  and  it  is 
astonishing  to  read  how  soon  the  poor  savages  learned  to 
estimate  those  blessings;  they  likewise  made  known  to 
them  a thousand  remedies  by  which  the  most  inveterate 
diseases  are  alleviated  and  healed;  and  that  they  might 
comprehend  the  benefits  and  enjoy  the  comforts  of  these 
medicines,  they  previously  introduced  among  them  the 
diseases  which  they  were  calculated  to  cure.  By  these  and 
a variety  of  other  methods  was  the  condition  of  these  poor 
savages  wonderfully  improved;  they  acquired  a thousand 
wants  of  which  they  had  before  been  ignorant;  and  as  he 
has  most  sources  of  happiness  who  has  most  wants  to  be 
gratified,  they  were  doubtlessly  rendered  a much  happier 
race  of  beings. 

But  the  most  important  branch  of  civilization,  and  which 
has  most  strenuously  been  extolled  by  the  zealous  and  pious 
fathers  of  the  Romish  Church,  is  the  introduction  of  the 
Christian  faith.  It  was  truly  a sight  that  might  well  in- 
spire horror  to  behold  these  savages  tumbling  among  the 
dark  mountains  of  paganism  and  guilty  of  the  most  horri- 
ble ignorance  of  religion.  It  is  true,  they  neither  stole  nor 
defrauded;  they  were  sober,  frugal,  continent,  and  faithful 
to  their  word;  but,  though  they  acted  right  habitually,  it 
was  all  in  vain  unless  they  acted  so  from  precept.  The 
new-comers,  therefore,  used  every  method  to  induce  them 
to  embrace  and  practise  the  true  religion — except  indeed 
that  of  setting  them  the  example. 

But  notwithstanding  all  these  complicated  labors  for  their 
good,  such  was  the  unparalleled  obstinacy  of  thesestubborn 
wretches  that  they  ungratefully  refused  to  acknowledge  the 
strangers  as  their  benefactors,  and  persisted  in  disbelieving 
the  doctrines  they  endeavored  to  inculcate;  most  insolently 
alleging  that  from  their  conduct  the  advocates  of  Christ- 
ianity did  not  seem  to  believe  in  it  themselves.  Was  not 
this  too  much  for  human  patience?  would  not  one  suppose 
that  the  benign  visitants  from  Europe,  provoked  at  their 
incredulity  and  discouraged  by  their  stiff-necked  obstinacy, 
would  for  ever  have  abandoned  their  shores  and  consigned 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


31 


them  to  their  original  ignorance  and  misery?  But  no;  so 
zealous  were  they  to  effect  the  temporal  comfort  and  eter- 
nal salvation  of  these  pagan  infidels  that  they  even  pro- 
ceeded from  the  milder  means  of  persuasion  to  the  more 
painful  and  troublesome  one  of  persecution — let  loose 
among  them  whole  troops  of  fiery  monks  and  furious  blood- 
hounds— purified  them  by  fire  and  sword,  by  stake  and 
fagot;  in  consequence  of  which  indefatigable  measures  the 
cause  of  Christian  love  and  charity  was  so  rapidly  advanced 
that  in  a few  years  not  one-fifth  of  the  number  of  unbe- 
lievers existed  in  South  America  that  were  found  there  at 
the  time  of  its  discovery. 

What  stronger  right  need  the  European  settlers  advance 
to  the  country  than  this?  Have  not  whole  nations  of  unin- 
formed savages  been  made  acquainted  with  a thousand 
imperious  wants  and  indispensable  comforts  of  which  they 
were  before  wholly  ignorant?  Have  they  not  been  literally 
hunted  and  smoked  out  of  the  dens  and  lurking-places  of 
ignorance  and  infidelity,  and  absolutely  scourged  into  the 
right  path?  Have  not  the  temporal  things,  the  vain  baubles, 
and  filthy  lucre  of  this  world,  which  were  too  apt  to  engage 
their  worldly  and  selfish  thoughts,  been  benevolently  taken 
from  them?  and  have  they  not,  instead  thereof,  been 
taught  to  set  their  affections  on  things  above?  And  finally, 
to  use  the  words  of  a reverend  Spanish  father  in  a letter  to 
his  superior  in  Spain,  “Can  any  one  have  the  persumption 
to  say  that  these  savage  pagans  have  yielded  anything 
more  than  an  inconsiderable  recompense  to  their  bene- 
factors, in  surrendering  to  them  a little  pitiful  tract  of  this 
dirty  sublunary  planet  in  exchange  for  a glorious  inherit- 
ance in  the  kingdom  of  heaven?” 

Here,  then,  are  three  complete  and  undeniable  sources  of 
right  established,  any  one  of  which  was  more  than  ample 
to  establish  a property  in  the  newly-discovered  regions  of 
America.  Now,  so  it  has  happened  in  certain  parts  of  this 
delightful  quarter  of  the  globe  that  the  right  of  discovery 
has  been  so  strenuously  asserted,  the  influence  of  cultiva- 
tion so  industriously  extended,  and  the  progress  of  salvation 
and  civilization  so  zealously  prosecuted,  that,  what  with 
their  attendant  wars,  persecutions,  oppressions,  diseases, 
and  other  partial  evils  that  often  hang  on  the  skirts  of 
great  benefits,  the  savage  aborigines  have,  somehow  or 
another,  been  utterly  annihilated.  And  this  all  at  once 


32 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


brings  me  to  a fourth  right,  which  is  worth  all  the  others 
put  together.  For  the  original  claimants  to  the  soil  being 
all  dead  and  buried,  and  no  one  remaining  to  inherit  or 
dispute  the  soil,  the  Spaniards,  as  the  next  immediate  occu- 
pants, entered  upon  the  possession  as  clearly  as  the  hang- 
man succeeds  to  the  clothes  of  the  malefactor;  and  as  they 
have  Blackstone*  and  all  the  learned  expounders  of  the 
law  on  their  side,  they  may  set  all  actions  of  ejectment  at 
defiance;  and  this  last  right  may  be  entitled  the  eight  by 
extermination,  or,  in  other  words,  the  eight  by  gun- 
powder. 

But  lest  any  scruples  of  conscience  should  remain  on  this 
head,  and  to  settle  the  question  of  right  for  ever,  His 
Holiness  Pope  Alexander  VI.  issued  a bull  by  which  he 
generously  granted  the  newly-discovered  quarter  of  the 
globe  to  the  Spaniards  and  Portuguese,  who,  thus  having 
law  and  gospel  on  their  side,  and  being  inflamed  with  great 
spiritual  zeal,  showed  the  pagan  savages  neither  favor  nor 
affection,  but  prosecuted  the  work  of  discovery,  coloniza- 
tion, civilization,  and  extermination  with  ten  times  more 
fury  than  ever. 

Thus  were  the  European  worthies  who  first  discovered 
America  clearly  entitled  to  the  soil;  and  not  only 
entitled  to  the  soil,  but  likewise  to  the  eternal  thanks  of 
these  infidel  savages  for  having  come  so  far,  endured  so 
many  perils  by  sea  and  land,  and  taken  such  unwearied 
pains,  for  no  other  purpose  but  to  improve  their  forlorn, 
uncivilized,  and  heathenish  condition;  for  having  made 
them  aquainted  with  the  comforts  of  life;  for  having 
introduced  among  them  the  light  of  religion;  and,  finally, 
for  having  hurried  them  out  of  the  world  to  enjoy  its  re- 
ward ! 

But  as  argument  is  never  so  well  understood  by  us  self- 
ish mortals  as  when  it  comes  home  to  ourselves,  and  as  I 
am  particularly  anxious  that  this  question  should  be  put 
to  rest  for  ever,  I will  suppose  a parallel  case  by  way  of 
arousing  the  candid  attention  of  my  readers. 

Let  us  suppose,  then,  that  the  inhabitants  of  the  moon, 
by  astonishing  advancement  in  science  and  by  profound 
insight  into  that  lunar  philosophy  the  mere  Bickerings  of 
which  have  of  late  years  dazzled  the  feeble  optics  and  ad- 


* Bl.  Com.  b.  ii.  c.  1. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


33 


died  the  shallow  brains  of  the  good  people  of  our  globe — 
let  us  suppose,  I say,  that  the  inhabitants  of  the  moon  by 
these  means  had  arrived  at  such  a command  of  their  ener- 
gies, such  an  enviable  state  of  perfectibility , as  to  control 
the  elements  and  navigate  the  boundless  regions  of  space. 
Let  us  suppose  a roving  crew  of  these  soaring  philosophers, 
in  the  course  of  an  aerial  voyage  of  discovery  among  the 
stars,  should  chance  to  alight  upon  this  outlandish  planet. 

And  here  I beg  my  readers  will  not  have  the  uncharita- 
bleness to  smile,  as  is  too  frequently  the  fault  of  volatile 
readers  when  perusing  the  grave  speculations  of  philoso- 
phers. I am  far  from  indulging  in  any  sportive  vein  at 
present,  nor  is  the  supposition  I have  been  making  so  wild 
as  many  may  deem  it.  It  has  long  been  a very  serious  and 
anxious  question  with  me,  and  many  a time  and  oft  in  the 
course  of  my  overwhelming  cares  and  contrivances  for  the 
welfare  and  protection  of  this  my  native  planet  have  I lain 
awake  whole  nights  debating  in  my  mind  whether  it  were 
most  probable  we  should  first  discover  and  civilize  the  moon 
or  the  moon  discover  and  civilize  our  globe.  Neither  would 
the  prodigy  of  sailing  in  the  air  and  cruising  among  the 
stars  be  a whit  more  astonishing  and  incomprehensible  to 
us  than  was  the  European  mystery  of  navigating  floating 
castles  through  the  world  of  waters  to  the  simple  natives. 
We  have  already  discovered  the  art  of  coasting  along  the 
aerial  shores  of  our  planet  by  means  of  balloons,  as  the 
savages  had  of  venturing  along  their  sea-coasts  in  canoes; 
and  the  disparity  between  the  former  and  the  aerial  vehi- 
cles of  the  philosophers  from  the  moon  might  not  be  greater 
than  that  between  the  bark  canoes  of  the  savages  and  the 
mighty  ships  of  their  discoverers.  I might  here  pursue  an 
endless  chain  of  similar  speculations;  but  as  they  would  be 
unimportant  to  my  subject,  I abandon  them  to  my  reader, 
particularly  if  he  be  a philosopher,  as  matters  well  worthy 
of  his  attentive  consideration. 

To  return,  then,  to  my  supposition:  let  us  suppose  that 
the  aerial  visitants  I have  mentioned,  possessed  of  vastly 
superior  knowledge  of  ourselves — that  is  to  say,  possessed 
of  superior  knowledge  in  the  art  of  extermination,  riding 
on  hyppogriffs,  defended  with  impenetrable  armor,  armed 
with  concentrated  sunbeams,  and  provided  with  vast  engines 
to  hurl  enormous  moon-stones — in  short,  let  us  suppose 
them,  if  our  vanity  will  permit  the  supposition,  as  superior 
to  us  in  knowledge,  and  consequently  in  power,  as  the 


34 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


Europeans  were  to  the  Indians  when  they  first  discovered 
them.  All  this  is  very  possible;  it  is  only  our  self-sufficiency 
that  makes  us  think  otherwise;  and  1 warrant  the  poor 
savages,  before  they  had  any  knowledge  of  the  white  men 
armed  in  all  the  terrors  of  glittering  steel  and  tremendous 
gunpowder,  were  as  perfectly  convinced  that  they  them- 
selves were  the  wisest,  the  most  virtuous,  powerful,  and 
perfect  of  created  beings  as  are,  at  this  present  moment,  the 
lordly  inhabitants  of  old  England,  the  volatile  populace 
of  France,  or  even  the  self-satisfied  citizens  of  this  most  en- 
lightened republic. 

Let  us  suppose,  moreover,  that  the  aerial  voyagers,  find- 
ing this  planet  to  be  nothing  but  a howling  wilderness,  in- 
habited by  us,  poor  savages  and  wild  beasts,  shall  take 
formal  possession  of  it  in  the  name  of  his  most  gracious  and 
philosophic  excellency,  the  man  in  the  moon.  Finding, 
however,  that  their  numbers  are  incompetent  to  hold  it  in 
complete  subjection  on  account  of  the  ferocious  barbarity 
of  its  inhabitants,  they  shall  take  our  worthy  president,  the 
king  of  England,  the  emperor  of  Hayti,  the  mighty  Bona- 
parte, and  the  great  king  of  Bantam,  and,  returning  to 
their  native  planet,  shall  carry  them  to  court,  as  were  the 
Indian  chiefs  led  about  as  spectacles  in  the  courts  of 
Europe. 

Then  making  such  obeisance  as  the  etiquette  of  the 
court  requires,  they  shall  address  the  puissant  man  in  the 
moon  in,  as  near  as  I can  conjecture,  the  following  terms: 

“ Most  serene  and  mighty  potenate,  whose  dominions 
extend  as  far  as  eye  can  reach,  who  rideth  on  the  Great 
Bear,  useth  the  sun  as  a looking  glass,  and  maintaineth  un- 
rivaled control  over  tides,  madmen,  and  sea-crabs:  We 

thy  liege  subjects  have  just  returned  from  a voyage  of  dis- 
covery, in  the  course  of  which  we  have  landed  and  taken 
possesion  of  that  obscure  little  dirty  planet  which  thou  be- 
holdest  rolling  at  a distance.  The  five  uncouth  monsters 
which  we  have  brought  into  this  august  presence  were  once 
very  important  chiefs  among  their  fellow-savages,  who  are 
a race  of  beings  totally  destitute  of  the  common  attributes 
of  humanity,  and  differing  in  everything  from  the  inhabit- 
ants of  the  moon,  inasmuch  as  they  carry  their  heads  upon 
their  shoulders,  instead  of  under  their  arms,  have  two  eyes 
instead  of  one,  are  utterly  destitute  of  tails,  and  of  a 
variety  of  unseemly  complexions,  particularly  of  horrible 
whiteness,  instead  of  pea-green. 


mSTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


35 


“We  have  moreover  found  these  miserable  savages  sunk 
into  a state  of  the  utmost  ignorance  and  depravity,  every 
man  shamelessly  living  with  his  own  wife  and  rearing  his 
own  children,  instead  of  indulging  in  that  community  of 
wives  enjoined  by  the  law  of  nature  as  expounded  by  the 
philosophers  of  the  moon.  In  a word,  they  have  scarcely  a 
gleam  of  true  philosophy  among  them,  but  are  in  fact, 
utter  heretics,  ignoramuses,  and  barbarians.  Taking  com- 
passion, therefore,  on  the  sad  condition  of  these  sublunary 
wretches,  we  have  endeavored,  while  we  remained  on  their 
planet,  to  introduce  among  them  the  light  of  reason  and 
the  comforts  of  the  moon.  We  have  treated  them  to 
mouthfuls  of  moonshine  and  draughts  of  nitrous  oxyd, 
which  they  swallowed  with  incredible  voracity,  particularly 
the  females;  and  we  have  likewise  endeavored  to  instill  into 
them  the  precepts  of  lunar  philosophy.  We  have  insisted 
upon  their  renouncing  the  contemptible  shackles  of  religion 
and  common  sense,  and  adoring  the  profound,  omnipotent, 
and  all-perfect  energy  and  the  ecstatic,  immutable,  immov- 
able perfection.  But  such  was  the  unparalleled  obstinacy  of 
these  wretched  savages  that  they  persisted  in  cleaving  to 
their  wives  and  adhering  to  their  religion,  and  absolutely 
set  at  naught  the  sublime  doctrines  of  the  moon;  nay, 
among  other  abominable  heresies,  they  even  went  so  far  as 
blasphemously  to  declare  that  this  ineffable  planet  was 
made  of  nothing  more  nor  less  than  green  cheese!” 

At  these  words  the  great  man  in  the  moon  (being  a very 
profound  philosopher)  shall  fall  into  a terrible  passion,  and, 

! assessing  equal  authority  over  things  that  do  not  belong  to 
iim  as  did  whilom  His  Holiness  the  pope,  shall  forthwith 
issue  a formidable  bull,  specifying,  “ that,  whereas  a cer- 
tain crew  of  Lunatics  have  lately  discovered  and  taken 
possesion  of  a newly-discovered  planet  called  the  earth\  and 
that  whereas  it  is  inhabited  by  none  but  a race  of  two-leg- 
ged animals  that  carry  their  heads  on  their  shoulders  in- 
stead of  under  their  arms,  cannot  talk  the  Lunatic  lan- 
guage, have  two  eyes  instead  of  one,  are  destitute  of  tails, 
and  of  a horrible  whiteness  instead  of  pea-green,  therefore, 
and  for  a variety  of  other  excellent  reasons,  they  are  con- 
sidered incapable  of  possessing  any  property  in  the  planet 
they  infest,  and  the  right  and  title  to  it  are  confirmed  to 
its  original  discoverers.  And,  furthermore,  the  colonists 
who  are  now  about  to  depart  to  the  aforesaid  planet  are 


36 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


authorized  and  commanded  to  use  every  means  to  convert 
these  infidel  savages  from  the  darkness  of  Christianity,  and 
make  them  thorough  and  absolute  Lunatics. 99 

In  consequence  of  this  benevolent  bull  our  philosophic 
benefactors  go  to  work  with  hearty  zeal.  They  seize  upon 
our  fertile  territories,  scourge  us  from  our  rightful  posses- 
sions, relieve  us  from  our  wives,  and  when  we  are  unrea- 
sonable enough  to  complain,  they  will  turn  upon  us  and 
say,  Miserable  barbarians!  ungrateful  wretches!  have  we 
not  come  thousands  of  miles  to  improve  your  worthless 
planet?  have  we  not  fed  you  with  moonshine?  have  we  not 
intoxicated  you  with  nitrous  oxyd?  does  not  our  moon  give 
you  light  every  night?  and  have  you  the  baseness  to  mur- 
mur when  we  claim  a pitiful  return  for  all  these  benefits? 
But  finding  that  we  not  only  persist  in  absolute  contempt 
of  their  reasoning  and  disbelief  in  their  philosophy,  but 
even  go  so  far  as  daringly  to  defend  our  property,  their 
patience  shall  be  exhausted,  and  they  shall  resort  to  their 
superior  powers  of  argument — hunt  us  with  hyppogriffs, 
transfix  us  with  concentrated  sunbeams,  demolish  our 
cities  with  moon- stones;  until  having,  by  main  force,  con- 
verted us  to  the  true  faith,  they  shall  graciously  permit  us 
to  exist  in  the  torrid  deserts  of  Arabia  or  the  frozen  regions 
of  Lapland,  there  to  enjoy  the  blessings  of  civilization  and 
the  charms  of  lunar  philosophy,  in  much  the  same  manner 
as  the  reformed  and  enlightened  savages  of  this  country 
are  kindly  suffered  to  inhabit  the  inhospitable  forests  of  the 
north  or  the  impenetrable  wildernesses  of  South  America. 

Thus,  I hope,  I have  clearly  proved  and  strikingly  illus- 
trated the  right  of  the  early  colonists  to  the  possession  of 
this  country,  and  thus  is  this  gigantic  question  completely 
vanquished;  so,  having  manfully  surmounted  all  obstacles 
and  subdued  all  opposition,  what  remains  but  that  I should 
forthwith  conduct  my  readers  into  the  city  which  we  have 
been  so  long  in  a manner  besieging?  But  hold!  Before  I 
proceed  another  step  I must  pause  to  take  breath,  and  re- 
cover from  the  excessive  fatigue  I have  undergone  in  pre- 
paring to  begin  this  most  accurate  of  histories.  And  in 
this  I do  but  imitate  the  example  of  a renowned  Dutch 
tumbler  of  antiquity,  who  took  a start  of  three  miles  for 
the  purpose  of  jumping  over  a hill,  but,  having  run  himself 
out  of  breath  by  the  time  he  reached  the  foot,  sat  himself 
quietly  down  for  a few  moments  to  blow,  and  then  walked 
over  it  at  his  leisure. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


37 


BOOK  II. 

TREATING  OF  THE  FIRST  SETTLEMENT  OF  THE  PROVINCE 
OF  NIEUW  NEDERLANDTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

IN  WHICH  ARE  CONTAINED  DIVERS  REASONS  WHY  A MAN 
SHOULD  NOT  WRITE  IN  A HURRY;  ALSO,  OF  MASTER 
HENDRICK  HUDSON,  HIS  DISCOVERY  OF  A STRANGE 
COUNTRY,  AND  HOW  HE  WAS  MAGNIFICENTLY  RE- 
WARDED BY  THE  MUNIFICENCE  OF  THEIR  HIGH  MIGHT- 
INESSES. 

My  great-grandfather  by  the  mother’s  side,  Hermanns 
Van  Clattercop,  when  employed  to  build  the  large  stone 
church  at  Rotterdam  which  stands  about  three  hundred 
yards  to  your  left  after  you  turn  off  from  the  Boomkeys, 
and  which  is  so  conveniently  constructed  that  all  the  zeal- 
ous Christians  of  Rotterdam  prefer  sleeping  through  a 
sermon  there  to  any  other  church  in  the  city — my  great- 
grandfather, I say,  when  employed  to  build  that  famous 
church,  did  in  the  first  place  send  to  Delft  for  a box  of 
long  pipes;  then  having  purchased  a new  spitting-box  and 
a hundredweight  of  the  best  Virginia;  he  sat  himself  down 
and  did  nothing  for  the  space  of  three  months  but  smoke 
most  laboriously.  Then  did  he  spend  full  three  months 
more  in  trudging  on  foot  and  voyaging  in  trekschuit  from 
Rotterdam  to  Amsterdam — to  Delft — to  Haerlem — to  Ley- 
den— to  The  Hague,  knocking  his  head  and  breaking  his 
pipe  against  every  church  in  his  road.  Then  did  he  ad- 
vance gradually  nearer  and  nearer  to  Rotterdam,  until  he 
came  in  full  sight  of  the  identical  spot  whereon  the  church 
was  to  be  built.  Then  did  he  spend  three  months  longer  in 


38 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORE. 


walking  round  it  and  round  it,  contemplating  it,  first  from 
one  point  of  view,  and  then  from  another:  now  would  he 
be  paddled  by  it  on  the  canal,  now  would  he  peep  at  it 
through  a telescope  from  the  other  side  of  the  Meuse,  and 
now  would  he  take  a bird's-eye  glance  at  it  from  the  top  of 
one  of  those  gigantic  windmills  which  protect  the  gates  of 
the  city.  The  good  folks  of  the  place  were  on  the  tip-toe 
of  expectation  and  impatience;  notwithstanding  all  the  tur- 
moil of  my  great-grandfather,  not  a symptom  of  the  church 
was  yet  to  be  seen;  they  even  began  to  fear  it  would  never 
be  brought  into  the  world,  but  that  its  great  projector 
would  lie  down  and  die  in  labor  of  the  mighty  plan  he  had 
conceived.  At  length,  having  occupied  twelve  good 
months  in  puffing  and  paddling  and  talking  and  walking — 
having  traveled  over  all  Holland,  and  even  taken  a peep 
into  France  and  Germany — having  smoked  five  hundred 
and  ninety-nine  pipes  and  three  hundred-weight  of  the 
best  Virginia  tobacco,  my  great-grandfather  gathered  to- 
gether all  that  knowing  and  industrious  class  of  citizens 
who  prefer  attending  to  anybody's  business  sooner  than 
their  own,  and,  having  pulled  off  his  coat  and  five  pair  of 
breeches,  he  advanced  sturdily  up  and  laid  the  corner- 
stone of  the  church  in  the  presence  of  the  whole  multi- 
tude, just  at  the  commencement  of  the  thirteenth  month. 

In  a similar  manner,  and  with  the  example  of  my  worthy 
ancestor  full  before  my  eyes,  have  I proceeded  in  writing 
this  most  authentic  history.  The  honest  Rotterdamers  no 
doubt  thought  my  great-grandfather  was  doing  nothing  at 
all  to  the  purpose  while  he  was  making  such  a world  of 
prefatory  bustle  about  the  building  of  his  church;  and 
many  of  the  ingenious  inhabitants  of  this  fair  city  will  un- 
questionably suppose  that  all  the  preliminary  chapters, 
with  the  discovery,  population,  and  final  settlement  of 
America,  were  totally  irrelevant  and  superfluous,  and  that 
the  main  business,  the  History  of  New  York,  is  not  a jot 
more  advanced  than  if  I had  never  taken  up  my  pen. 
Never  were  wise  people  more  mistaken  in  their  conject- 
ures; in  consequence  of  going  to  work  slowly  and  delib- 
erately, the  church  came  out  of  my  grandfather's  hands 
one  of  the  most  sumptuous,  goodly  and  glorious  edifices  in 
the  known  world,  excepting  that,  like  our  magnificent 
Capitol  at  Washington,  it  was  begun  on  so  grand  a scale 
that  the  good  folks  could  not  afford  to  finish  more  than  the 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


39 


wing  of  it.  So,  likewise,  I trust,  if  ever  I am  able  to  finish 
this  work  on  the  plan  I have  commenced  (of  which,  in 
simple  truth,  I sometimes  have  my  doubts),  it  will  be  found 
that  I have  pursued  the  latest  rules  of  my  art  as  exempli- 
fied in  the  writings  of  all  the  great  American  historians, 
and  wrought  a very  large  history  out  of  a small  subject; 
which  now-a-days  is  considered  one  of  the  great  triumphs 
of  historic  skill.  To  proceed  then,  with  the  thread  of 
my  story. 

In  the  ever-memorable  year  of  our  Lord  1609,  on  a Sat- 
urday morning,  the  five-and- twentieth  day  of  March,  old 
style,  did  that  “ worthy  and  irrecoverable  discoverer  (as 
he  has  justly  been  called),  Master  Henry  Hudson," 
set  sail  from  Holland  in  a stout  vessel  called  the  Half 
Moon,  being  employed  by  the  Dutch  East  India  Company 
to  seek  a north-west  passage  to  China. 

Henry  (or,  as  the  Dutch  historians  call  him,  Hendrick) 
Hudson  was  a sea-faring  man  of  renown  who  had  learned 
to  smoke  tobacco  under  Sir  Walter  Raleigh,  and  is  said  to 
have  been  the  first  to  introduce  it  into  Holland,  which 
gained  him  much  popularity  in  that  country,  and  caused 
him  to  find  great  favor  in  the  eyes  of  their  High  Mighti- 
nesses, the  Lord  States  General,  and  also  of  the  Honorable 
West  India  Company.  He  was  a short,  square,  brawny 
old  gentleman,  with  a double  chin,  a mastiff  mouth,  and  a 
broad  copper  nose,  which  was  supposed  in  those  days  to 
have  acquired  its  fiery  hue  from  the  constant  neighborhood 
of  his  tobacco-pipe. 

He  wore  a true  Andrea  Ferrara  tucked  in  a leathern 
belt,  and  a commodore’s  cocked  hat  on  one  side  of  his 
head.  He  was  remarkable  for  always  jerking  up  his 
breeches  when  he  gave  out  his  orders,  and  his  voice 
sounded  not  unlike  the  brattling  of  a tin  trumpet,  owing 
to  the  number  of  hard  north-westers  which  he  had  swal- 
lowed in  the  course  of  his  seafaring. 

Such  was  Hendrick  Hudson,  of  whom  we  have  heard  so 
much  and  know  so  little;  and  I have  been  thus  particular 
in  his  description  for  the  benefit  of  modern  painters  and 
statuaries,  that  they  may  represent  him  as  he  was,  and  not, 
according  to  their  common  custom  with  modern  heroes, 
make  him  look  like  Caesar  or  Marcus  Aurelius  or  the 
Apollo  of  Belvidere. 

As  chief  mate  and  favorite  companion  the  commodore 


40 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


chose  Master  Robert  Juet  of  Limehouse  in  England.  By 
some  his  name  has  been  spelled  Cheivit,  and  ascribed  to  the 
circumstance  of  his  having  been  the  first  man  that  ever 
chewed  tobacco;  but  this  I believe  to  be  a merely  flippancy, 
more  especially  as  certain  of  his  progeny  are  living  at  this 
day  who  write  their  names  Juet.  He  was  an  old  comrade 
and  early  schoolmate  of  the  great  Hudson,  with  whom  he 
had  often  played  truant  and  sailed  chip  boats  in  a neigh- 
boring pond  when  they  were  little  boys;  from  whence  it  is 
said  the  commodore  first  derived  his  bias  toward  a sea- 
faring life.  Certain  it  is  that  the  old  people  about  Lime- 
house  declared  Robert  Juet  to  be  an  unlucky  urchin, 
prone  to  mischief,  that  would  one  day  or  other  come  to 
the  gallows. 

He  grew  upas  boys  of  that  kind  often  grow  up,  a ram- 
bling, heedless  varlet,  tossed  about  in  all  quarters  of  the 
world,  meeting  with  more  perils  and  wonders  than  did 
Sindbad  the  Sailor,  without  growing  a whit  more  wise, 
prudent,  or  ill-natured.  Under  every  misfortune  he  com- 
forted himself  with  a quid  of  tobacco  and  the  truly  phil- 
osophic maxim  that  “it  will  be  all  the  same  thing  a hun- 
dred years  hence.”  He  was  skilled  in  the  art  of  carving 
anchors  and  true  lovers*  knots  on  the  bulkheads  and  quarter- 
railings,  and  was  considered  a great  wit  on  board  ship,  in 
consequence  of  his  playing  pranks  on  everybody  around, 
and  now  and  then  even  making  a wry  face  at  old  Hendrick 
whe  i his  back  was  turned. 

To  this  universal  genius  are  we  indebted  for  many  par- 
ticulars concerning  this  voyage,  of  which  he  wrote  a his- 
tory at  the  request  of  the  commodore,  who  had  an  uncon- 
querable aversion  to  writing  himself,  from  having  received 
so  many  floggings  about  it  when  at  school.  To  supply  the 
deficiencies  of  Master  Juet’s  journal,  which  is  written  with 
true  log-book  brevity,  I have  availed  myself  of  divers  fam- 
ily traditions  handed  down  from  my  great-great-grand- 
father, who  accompanied  the  expedition  in  the  capacity  of 
cabin-boy. 

From  all  that  I can  learn,  few  incidents  worthy  of  remark 
happened  in  the  voyage;  and  it  mortifies  me  exceedingly 
that  I have  to  admit  so  noted  an  expedition  into  my  work 
without  making  any  more  of  it. 

Suffice  it  to  say,  the  voyage  was  prosperous  and  tranquil, 
the  crew  being  a patient  people,  much  given  to  slumber  and 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


41 


vacuity,  and  but  little  troubled  with  the  disease  of  think- 
ing— a malady  of  the  mind  which  is  the  sure  breeder  of 
discontent.  Hudson  had  laid  in  abundance  of  gin  and 
sourcrout,  and  every  man  was  allowed  to  sleep  quietly  at 
his  post  unless  the  wind  blew.  True  it  is  some  slight  dis- 
affection was  shown  on  two  or  three  occasions  at  certain 
unreasonable  conduct  of  Commodore  Hudson.  Thus,  for 
instance,  he  forbore  to  shorten  sail  when  the  wind  was  light 
and  the  weather  serene,  which  was  considered  among  the 
most  experienced  Dutch  seamen  as  certain  weather -breeders, 
or  prognostics  that  the  weather  would  change  for  the  worse. 
He  acted,  moreover,  in  direct  contradiction  to  the  ancient 
and  sage  rule  of  the  Dutch  navigators,  who  always  took  in 
sail  at  night,  put  the  helm  a-port,  and  turned  in;  by  which 
precaution  they  had  a good  night’s  rest,  were  sure  of  know- 
ing where  they  were  the  next  morning,  and  stood  but  little 
chance  of  running  down  a continent  in  the  dark.  He  like- 
wise prohibited  the  seamen  from  wearing  more  than  five 
jackets  and  six  pair  of  breeches,  under  pretence  of  ren- 
dering them  more  alert;  and  no  man  was  permitted  to  go 
aloft  and  haul  in  sails  with  a pipe  in  his  mouth,  as  is  the 
invariable  Dutch  custom  at  the  present  day.  All  these 
grievances,  though  they  might  ruffle  for  a moment  the 
constitutional  tranquility  of  the  honest  Dutch  tars,  made 
but  transient  impression;  they  ate  hugely,  drank  profusely, 
and  slept  immeasurably,  and,  being  under  the  especial 
guidance  of  Providence,  the  ship  was  safely  conducted  to 
the  coast  of  America,  where,  after  sundry  unimportant 
touchings  and  standings  off  and  on,  she  at  length,  on  the 
fourth  day  of  September,  entered  that  majestic  bay  which 
at  this  day  expands  its  ample  bosom  before  the  city  of  New 
York,  and  which  had  never  before  been  visited  by  any 
European.* 


* True  it  is — and  I am  not  ignorant  of  the  fact — that  in  a certain 
apocryphal  book  of  voyages,  compiled  by  one  Hakluyt,  is  to  be 
found  a letter  written  to  Francis  the  First  by  one  Giovanne  (or  John) 
Verazzani,  on  which  some  writers  are  inclined  to  found  a belief  that 
this  delightful  bay  had  been  visited  nearly  a century  previous  to  the 
voyage  of  the  enterprising  Hudson.  Now,  this  (albeit  it  has  met 
with  the  countenance  of  certain  very  judicious  and  learned  men)  I 
hold  in  utter  disbelief,  and  that  for  various  good  and  substantial  rea- 
sons: First,  Because  on  strict  examination  it  will  be  found  that  the 
description  given  by  this  Verazzani  applies  about  as  well  to  the  bay 
of  New  York  as  it  does  to  my  night  cap.  Secondly , Because  that 


42 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


It  has  been  traditionary  in  our  family  that  when  the 
great  navigator  was  first  blessed  with  a view  of  this  en- 
chanting island  he  was  observed,  for  the  first  and  only  time 
in  his  life,  to  exhibit  strong  symptoms  of  astonishment  and 
admiration.  He  is  said  to  have  turned  to  Master  Juet  and 
uttered  these  remarkable  words,  while  he  pointed  toward 
this  paradise  of  the  new  world:  “See!  there!”  and  there- 
upon, as  was  always  his  way  when  he  was  uncommonly 
pleased,  he  did  puff  out  such  clouds  of  dense  tobacco-smoke 
that  in  one  minute  the  vessel  was  out  of  sight  of  land,  and 
Master  Juet  was  fain  to  wait  until  the  winds  dispersed  this 
impenetrable  fog. 

It  was  indeed,  as  my  great-grandfather  used  to  say — 
though  in  truth  I never  heard  him,  for  he  died,  as  might 
be  expected,  before  I was  born — “ It  was  indeed  a spot  on 
which  the  eye  might  have  reveled  for  ever  in  ever-new 
and  never-ending  beauties.”  The  island  of  Manna-hata 
spread  wide  before  them,  like  some  sweet  vision  of  fancy  or 
some  fair  creation  of  industrious  magic.  Its  hills  of  smil- 
ing green  swelled  gently  one  above  another,  crowned  with 
lofty  trees  of  luxuriant  growth,  some  pointing  their  taper- 
ing foliage  toward  the  clouds,  which  were  gloriously  trans- 
parent, and  others  loaded  with  a verdant  burden  of 
clambering  vines,  bowing  their  branches  to  the  earth,  that 
was  covered  with  flowers.  On  the  gentle  declivities  of  the 
hills  were  scattered  in  gay  profusion  the  dog-wood,  the 
sumach,  and  the  wild  brier,  whose  scarlet  berries  and  white 
blossoms  glowed  brightly  among  the  deep  green  of  the  sur- 

tliis  John  Verazzani,  for  whom  I already  begin  to  feel  a most  bitter 
enmity,  is  a native  of  Florence;  and  everybody  knows  the  crafty 
wiles  of  these  losel  Florentines,  by  which  they  filched  away  the 
laurels  from  the  brows  of  the  immortal  Colon  (vulgarly  called  Col- 
umbus), and  bestowed  them  on  their  officious  townsman,  Amerigo 
Vespucci;  and  I make  no  doubt  they  are  equally  ready  to  rob  the 
illustrious  Hudson  of  the  credit  of  discovering  this  beautiful  island 
adorned  by  the  city  of  New  York,  and  placing  it  beside  their  usurped 
discovery  of  South  America.  And,  thirdly,  I award  my  decision  in 
favor  of  the  pretensions  of  Hendrick  Hudson,  inasmuch  as  his  ex- 
pedition sailed  from  Holland,  being  truly  and  absolutely  a Dutch 
enterprise;  and  though  all  the  proofs  in  the  world  were  introduced 
on  the  other  side,  I would  set  them  at  naught,  as  undeserving  my 
attention.  If  these  three  reasons  be  not  sufficient  to  satisfy  every 
burgher  of  this  ancient  city,  all  I can  say  is,  they  are  degenerate 
descendants  from  their  venerable  Dutch  ancestors,  and  totally  un- 
worthy the  trouble  of  convincing.  Thus,  therefore,  the  title  of 
Hendrick  Hudson  to  his  renowned  discovery  is  fully  vindicated. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


43 


rounding  foliage;  and  here  and  there  a curling  column  of 
smoke,  rising  from  the  little  glens  that  opened  along  the 
shore,  seemed  to  promise  the  weary  voyagers  a welcome  at 
the  hands  of  their  fellow-creatures.  As  they  stood  gazing 
with  entranced  attention  on  the  scene  before  them,  a red 
man,  crowned  with  feathers,  issued  from  one  of  these  glens, 
and  after  contemplating  in  silent  wonder  the  gallant  ship 
as  she  sat  like  a stately  swan  swimming  on  a silver  lake, 
sounded  the  war-whoop  and  bounded  into  the  woods  like  a 
wild  deer,  to  the  utter  astonishment  of  the  phlegmatic 
Dutchmen,  who  had  never  heard  such  a noise  or  witnessed 
such  a caper  in  their  whole  lives. 

Of  the  transactions  of  our  adventurers  with  the  savages, 
and  how  the  latter  smoked  copper  pipes  and  ate  dried  cur- 
rants; how  they  brought  great  store  of  tobacco  and  oysters; 
how  they  shot  one  of  the  ship’s  crew,  and  how  he  was 
buried — I shall  say  nothing,  being  that  I consider  them 
unimportant  to  my  history.  After  tarrying  a few  days  in 
the  bay  in  order  to  refresh  themselves  after  their  seafaring, 
our  voyagers  weighed  anchor  to  explore  a mighty  river 
which  emptied  into  the  bay.  This  river,  it  is  said,  was 
known  among  the  savages  by  the  name  of  the  Sliatemuck , 
though  we  are  assured  in  an  excellent  little  history  pub- 
lished in  1674  by  John  Josselyn,  Gent.,  that  it  was  called 
the  Mohegan,*  and  Master  Richard  Bloome,  who  wrote 
sometime  afterward,  asserts  the  same;  so  that  I very  much 
incline  in  favor  of  the  opinion  of  these  two  honest  gentle- 
men. Be  this  as  it  may,  up  this  river  did  the  adventurous 
Hendrick  proceed,  little  doubting  but  it  would  turn  out 
to  be  the  much-looked-for  passage  to  China! 

The  journal  goes  on  to  make  mention  of  divers  inter- 
views between  the  crew  and  the  natives  in  the  voyage  up 
the  river;  but  as  they  would  be  impertinent  to  my  history, 
1 shall  pass  over  them  in  silence,  except  the  following  dry 
joke,  played  off  by  the  old  commodore  and  his  school- 
fellow, Robert  Juet,  which  does  such  vast  credit  to  their 
experimental  philosophy  that  I cannot  refrain  from  insert- 
ing it:  “ Our  master  and  his  mate  determined  to  try  some 
of  the  chiefe  men  of  the  countrey,  whether  they  had  any 
treacherie  in  them.  So  they  tooke  them  downe  into  the 


* This  river  is  likewise  laid  down  in  Ogilvy’s  map  as  Manhattan, 
Noordt,  Montaigne,  and  Mauritius  River. 


44 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


cabin,  and  gave  them  so  much  wine  and  aqua  vitse,  that 
they  were  all  merrie;  and  one  of  them  had  his  wife  with 
him,  which  sate  so  modestly,  as  any  of  onr  countrey 
women  would  do  in  a strange  place.  In  the  end,  one  of 
them  was  drunke,  which  had  been  aborde  of  our  ship  all 
the  time  that  we  had  been  there,  and  that  was  strange  to 
them,  for  they  could  not  tell  how  to  take  it.v* 

Having  satisfied  himself  by  this  ingenious  experiment 
that  the  natives  were  an  honest,  social  race  of  jolly  royster- 
ers,  who  had  no  objection  to  a drinking-bout  and  were  very 
merry  in  their  cups,  the  old  commodore  chuckled  hugely 
to  himself,  and  thrusting  a double  quid  of  tobacco  in  his 
cheek,  directed  Master  Juet  to  have  it  carefully  recorded, 
for  the  satisfaction  of  all  the  natural  philosophers  of  the 
University  of  Leyden;  which  done,  he  proceeded  on  his 
voyage  with  great  self-complacency.  After  sailing,  how- 
ever, above  an  hundred  miles  up  the  river,  he  found  the 
watery  world  around  him  began  to  grow  more  shallow  and 
confined,  the  current  more  rapid,  and  perfectly  fresh — 
phenomena  not  uncommon  in  the  ascent  of  rivers,  but 
which  puzzled  the  honest  Dutchmen  prodigiously.  A 
consultation  was  therefore  called,  and,  having  deliberated 
full  six  hours,  they  were  brought  to  a determination  by 
the  ship’s  running  aground;  whereupon  they  unanimously 
concluded  that  there  was  but  little  chance  of  getting  to 
China  in  this  direction.  A boat,  however,  was  dispatched 
to  explore  higher  up  the  river,  which,  on  its  return,  con- 
firmed the  opinion:  upon  this  the  ship  was  warped  off  and 
put  about  with  great  difficulty,  being,  like  most  of  her  sex, 
exceedingly  hard  to  govern;  and  the  adventurous  Hudson, 
according  to  the  account  of  my  great-great-grand- 
father, returned  down  the  river  with  a prodigious -flea  in 
his  ear. 

Being  satisfied  that  there  was  little  likelihood  of  getting 
to  China  unless,  like  the  blind  man,  he  returned  from 
whence  he  set  out  and  took  a fresh  start,  he  forthwith  re- 
crossed the  sea  to  Holland,  where  he  was  received  with 
great  welcome  by  the  Honorable  East  India  Company,  who 
were  very  much  rejoiced  to  see  him  come  back  safe  with 
their  ship;  and  at  a large  and  respectable  meeting  of  the 
first  merchants  and  burgomasters  of  Amsterdam  it  was 


* Juet’s  Journ.  Purcli.  Pil. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


45 


unanimously  determined  that  as  a munificent  reward  for 
the  eminent  services  he  had  performed  and  the  important 
discovery  he  had  made,  the  great  river  Mohegan  should  be 
called  after  his  name;  and  it  continues  to  be  called  Hud- 
son River  unto  this  very  day. 


46  HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  II. 

CONTAINING  AN  ACCOUNT  OF  A MIGHTY  ARK  WHICH 
FLOATED,  UNDER  THE  PROTECTION  OF  ST.  NICHOLAS, 
FROM  HOLLAND  TO  GIBBET  ISLAND — THE  DESCENT  OF 
THE  STRANGE  ANIMALS  THEREFROM — A GREAT  VIC- 
TORY, AND  A DESCRIPTION  OF  THE  ANCIENT  VILLAGE 
OF  COMM  UNIPAW. 

The  delectable  accounts  given  by  the  great  Hudson 
and  Master  Juet  of  the  country  they  had  discovered  excited 
not  a little  talk  and  speculation  among  the  good  peojile  of 
Holland.  Letters  patent  were  granted  by  government  to 
an  association  of  merchants  called  the  West  India  Com- 
pany for  the  exclusive  trade  on  Hudson  River,  on  which 
they  erected  a trading-house  called  Fort  Aurania,  or 
Orange,  from  whence  did  spring  the  great  city  of  Albany. 
But  I forbear  to  dwell  on  the  various  commercial  and 
colonizing  enterprises  which  took  place — among  which  was 
that  of  Mynheer  Adrian  Block,  who  discovered  and  gave 
a name  to  Block  Island,  since  famous  for  its  cheese — and 
shall  barely  confine  myself  to  that  which  gave  birth  to  this 
renowned  city. 

It  was  some  three  or  four  years  after  the  return  of  the 
immortal  Hendrick  that  a crew  of  honest,  Low  Dutch 
colonists  set  sail  from  the  city  of  Amsterdam  for  the 
shores  of  America.  It  is  an  irreparable  loss  to  history,  and 
a great  proof  of  the  darkness  of  the  age  and  the  lamentable 
neglect  of  the  noble  art  of  bookmaking,  since  so  indus- 
triously cultivated  by  knowing  sea-captains  and  learned 
supercargoes,  that  an  expedition  so  interesting  and  impor- 
tant in  its  results  should  be  passed  over  in  utter  silence. 
To  my  great-great-grandfather  am  I again  indebted  for  the 
few  facts  I am  enabled  to  give  concerning  it,  he  having 
once  more  embarked  for  this  country  with  a full  determin- 
ation, as  he  said,  of  ending  his  days  here,  and  of  be- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK.  47 

getting  a race  of  Knickerbockers  that  should  rise  to  be 
great  men  in  the  land. 

The  ship  in  which  these  illustrious  adventurers  set  sail 
was  called  the  Goede  Vrouw,  or  Good  Woman,  in  compli- 
ment to  the  wife  of  the  president  of  the  West  India  Com- 
pany, who  was  allowed  by  everybody  (except  her  husband) 
to  be  a sweet-tempered  lady — when  not  in  liquor.  It  was 
in  truth  a most  gallant  vessel,  of  the  most  approved  Dutch 
construction,  and  made  by  the  ablest  ship  carpenters  of 
Amsterdam,  who  it  is  well  known  always  model  their  ships 
after  the  fair  forms  of  their  countrywomen.  Accordingly, 
it  had  one  hundred  feet  in  the  beam,  one  hundred  feet  in 
the  keel,  and  one  hundred  feet  from  the  bottom  of  the 
stern-post  to  the  tafferel.  Like  the  beauteous  model,  who 
was  declared  to  be  the  greatest  belle  in  Amsterdam,  it  was 
full  in  the  bows,  with  a pair  of  enormous  cat-heads,  a cop- 
per bottom,  and  withal  a most  prodigious  poop! 

The  architect,  who  was  somewhat  of  a religious  man,  far 
from  decorating  the  ship  with  pagan  idols,  such  as  Jupiter, 
Neptune,  or  Hercules  (which  heathenish  abominations  I 
have  no  doubt  occasion  the  misfortunes  and  shipwreck  of 
many  a noble  vessel) — he,  I say,  on  the  contrary,  did  laud- 
ably erect  for  a head  a goodly  image  of  St.  Nicholas, 
equipped  with  a low,  broad  brimmed-hat,  a huge  pair  of 
Flemish  trunk  hose,  and  a pipe  that  reached  to  the  end  of 
the  bow-sprit.  Thus  gallantly  furnished,  the  stanch  ship 
floated  sideways,  like  a majestic  goose,  out  of  the  harbor 
of  the  great  city  of  Amsterdam,  and  all  the  bells  that  were 
not  otherwise  engaged  rang  a triple  bobmajor  on  the  joy- 
ful occasion. 

My  great-great-grandfather  remarks  that  the  voyage  was 
uncommonly  prosperous,  for,  being  under  the  especial  care 
of  the  ever-revered  St.  Nicholas,  the  Goede  Vrouw  seemed 
to  be  endowed  with  qualities  unknown  to  common  vessels. 
Thus  she  made  as  much  leeway  as  headway,  could  get 
along  very  nearly  as  fast  with  the  wind  ahead  as  when  it 
was  apoop,  and  was  particularly  great  in  a calm;  in  conse- 
quence of  which  singular  advantages  she  made  out  to  accom- 
plish her  voyage  in  a very  few  months,  and  came  to  anchor 
at  the  mouth  of  the  Hudson  a little  to  the  east  of  Gibbet 
Island. 

Here,  lifting  up  their  eyes,  they  beheld,  on  what  is  at 
present  called  the  Jersey  shore,  a small  Indian  village, 


48 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


pleasantly  embowered  in  a grove  of  spreading  elms,  and 
the  natives  all  collected  on  the  beach  gazing  in  stupid  ad- 
miration at  the  Goede  Vrouw.  A boat  was  immediately 
dispatched  to  enter  into  a treaty  with  them,  and,  approach- 
ing the  shore,  hailed  them  through  a trumpet  in  the  most 
friendly  terms;  but  so  horribly  confounded  were  these  poor 
savages  at  the  tremendous  and  uncouth  sound  of  the  Low 
Dutch  language  that  they  one  and  all  took  to  their  heels, 
and  scampered  over  the  Bergen  hills;  nor  did  they  stop 
until  they  had  buried  themselves,  head  and  ears,  in  the 
marshes  on  the  other  side,  where  they  all  miserably  per- 
ished to  a man,  and  their  bones,  being  collected  and  de- 
cently covered  by  the  Tammany  Society  of  that  day, 
formed  that  singular  mound  called  Rattlesnake  Hill 
which  rises  out  of  the  center  of  the  salt  marshes  a little  to 
the  east  of  the  Newark  causeway. 

Animated  by  this  unlooked-for  victory,  our  valiant  heroes 
sprang  ashore  in  triumph,  took  possession  of  the  soil  as  con- 
querors in  the  name  of  their  High  Mightinesses  the  Lords 
States  General,  and,  marching  fearlessly  forward,  carried 
the  village  of  Communipaw  by  storm,  notwithstanding  that 
it  was  vigorously  defended  by  some  half,  a score  of  old 
squaws  and  pappooses.  On  looking  about  them  they  were 
so  transported  with  the  excellencies  of  the  place  that  they 
had  very  little  doubt  the  blessed  St.  Nicholas  had  guided 
them  thither  as  the  very  spot  whereon  to  settle  their  colony. 
The  softness  of  the  soil  was  wonderfully  adapted  to  the 
driving  of  piles;  the  swamps  and  marshes  around  them 
afforded  ample  opportunities  for  the  constructing  of  dykes 
and  dams;  the  shallowness  of  the  shore  was  peculiarly 
favorable  to  the  building  of  docks — in  a word*  this  spot 
abounded  with  all  the  requisites  for  the  foundation  of  a 
great  Dutch  city.  On  making  a faithful  report,  therefore, 
to  the  crew  of  the  Goede  Vrouw,  they  one  and  all  deter- 
mined that  this  was  the  destined  end  of  their  voyage. 
Accordingly  they  descended  from  the  Goede  Vrouw,  men, 
women,  and  children,  in  goodly  groups,  as  did  the  animals 
of  yore  from  the  ark,  and  formed  themselves  into  a thriv- 
ing settlement,  which  they  called  by  the  Indian  name 
Communipaw. 

As  all  the  world  is  doubtless  perfectly  aquainted  with 
Communipaw,  it  may  seem  somewhat  superfluous  to  treat 
of  it  in  the  present  work;  but  my  readers  will  please  to 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


49 


recollect  that  notwithstanding  it  is  my  chief  desire  to  satisfy 
the  present  age,  yet  I write  likewise  for  posterity,  and  have 
to  consult  the  understanding  and  curiosity  of  some  half  a 
score  of  centuries  yet  to  come;  by  which  time,  perhaps, 
were  it  not  for  this  invaluable  history,  the  great  Oom- 
munipaw,  like  Babylon,  Carthage,  Nineveh,  and  other 
great  cities,  might  be  perfectly  extinct — sunk  and  forgot- 
ten in  its  own  mud,  its  inhabitants  turned  into  oysters,*  and 
even  its  situation  a fertile  subject  of  learned  controversy 
and  hard-headed  investigation  among  indefatigable  his- 
torians. Let  me  then  piously  rescue  from  oblivion  the 
humble  relics  of  a place  which  was  the  egg  from  whence 
was  hatched  the  mighty  city  of  New  York  ! 

Communipaw  is  at  present  but  a small  village,  pleasantly 
situated,  among  rural  scenery,  on  that  beauteous  part  of  the 
Jersey  shore  which  was  known  in  ancient  legends  by  the 
name  of  Pavonia,  fand  commands  a grand  prospect  of  the 
superb  bay  of  New  York.  It  is  within  but  half  an  hours 
sail  of  the  latter  place,  provided  you  have  a fair  wind,  and 
may  be  distinctly  seen  from  the  city.  Nay,  it  is  a well- 
known  fact,  which  I can  testify  from  my  own  experience, 
that  on  a clear  still  summer  evening  you  may  hear,  from 
the  Battery  of  New  York,  the  obstreperous  peals  of  broad- 
mouthed laughter  of  the  Dutch  negroes  at  Communipaw, 
who,  like  most  other  negroes,  are  famous  for  their  risible 
powers.  This  is  peculiarly  the  case  on  Sunday  evenings, 
when,  it  is  remarked  by  an  ingenious  and  observant  phil- 
osopher, who  has  made  great  discoveries  in  the  neighbor- 
hood of  this  city,  that  they  always  laugh  loudest;  which 
he  attributes  to  the  circumstance  of  their  having  their 
holiday  clothes  on. 

These  negroes,  in  fact,  like  the  monks  in  the  Dark  Ages, 
engross  all  the  knowledge  of  the  place,  and  being  infinitely 
more  adventurous  and  more  knowing  than  their  masters, 
carry  on  all  the  foreign  trade,  making  frequent  voyages  to 
town  in  canoes  loaded  with  oysters,  buttermilk  and  cab- 
bages. They  are  great  astrologers,  predicting  the  different 
changes  of  weather  almost  as  accurately  as  an  almanac; 
they  are  moreover  exquisite  performers  on  three- stringed 
fiddles;  in  whistling  they  almost  boast  the  far-famed  powers 

* Men  by  inaction  degenerate  into  oysters. — Kaimes. 

f Pavonia,  in  the  ancient  maps,  is  given  to  a tract  of  country 
extending  from  about  Hoboken  to  Amboy. 


50 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


of  Orpheus’  lyre,  for  not  a horse  or  an  ox  in  the  place 
when  at  the  plow  or  before  the  wagon  will  budge  a foot 
until  he  hears  the  well-known  whistle  of  his  black  driver 
and  companion.  And  from  their  amazing  skill  at  casting 
up  accounts  upon  their  fingers,  they  are  regarded  with  as 
much  veneration  as  were  the  disciples  of  Pythagoras  of 
yore  when  initiated  into  the  sacred  quaternary  of  num- 
bers. 

As  to  the  honest  burghers  of  Communipaw,  like  wise 
men  and  sound  philosophers  they  never  look  beyond  their 
pipes,  nor  trouble  their  heads  about  any  affairs  out  of  their 
immediate  neighborhood;  so  that  they  live  in  profound 
and  enviable  ignorance  of  all  the  troubles,  anxieties,  and 
revolutions  of  this  distracted  planet.  I am  even  told  that 
many  among  them  do  verily  believe  that  Holland,  of  which 
they  have  heard  so  much  from  tradition,  is  situated  some- 
where on  Long  Island;  that  S2nking-devil  and  the  Narrows 
are  the  two  ends  of  the  world;  that  the  country  is  still 
under  the  dominion  of  their  High  Mightinesses;  and  that 
the  city  of  New  York  still  goes  by  the  name  of  Nieuw 
Amsterdam.  They  meet  every  Saturday  afternoon  at  the 
only  tavern  in  the  place,  which  bears  as  a sign  a square- 
headed likeness  of  the  Prince  of  Orange,  where  they  smoke 
a silent  pipe  by  way  of  promoting  social  conviviality,  and 
invariably  drink  a mug  of  cider  to  the  success  of  Admiral 
Van  Trornp,  who  they  imagine  is  still  sweeping  the  British 
Channel  with  a broom  at  his  masthead. 

Communipaw,  in  short,  is  one  of  the  numerous  little  vil- 
lages in  the  vicinity  of  this  most  beautiful  of  cities  which 
are  so  many  strongholds  and  fastnesses  whither  the  primi- 
tive manners  of  our  Dutch  forefathers  have  retreated,  and 
where  they  are  cherished  with  devout  and  scrupulous 
strictness.  The  dress  of  the  original  settlers  is  handed 
down  inviolate  from  father  to  son;  the  identical  broad- 
brimmed  hat,  broad-skirted  coat,  and  broad-bottomed 
breeches  continue  from  generation  to  generation ; and  sev- 
eral gigantic  knee-buckles  of  massy  silver  are  still  in  wear 
that  made  gallant  display  in  the  days  of  the  patriarchs  of 
Communipaw.  The  language  likewise  continues  unadul- 
terated by  barbarous  innovations,  and  so  critically  correct 
is  the  village  schoolmaster  in  his  dialect  that  his  reading  of 
a Low  Dutch  psalm  has  much  the  same  effect  on  the  nerves 
as  the  filing  of  a handsaw. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


51 


CHAPTER  III. 

IK  WHICH  IS  SET  FORTH  THE  TRUE  ART  OF  MAKING  A 
BARGAIN — TOGETHER  WITH  THE  MIRACULOUS  ESCAPE 
OF  A GREAT  METROPOLIS  IN  A FOG — AND  THE  BIOG- 
RAPHY OF  CERTAIN  HEROES  OF  COMMUNIPAW. 

Haying  in  the  trifling  digression  which  concluded  the 
last  chapter,  discharged  the  filial  duty  which  the  city  of 
New  York  owed  to  Oommunipaw  as  being  the  mother  set- 
tlement, and  having  given  a faithful  picture  of  it  as  it 
stands  at  present,  I return  with  a soothing  sentiment  of 
self-approbation  to  dwell  upon  its  early  history.  The  crew 
of  the  Goede  Vrouw  being  soon  reinforced  by  fresh  import- 
ations from  Holland,  the  settlement  went  jollily  on,  in- 
creasing in  magnitude  and  prosperity.  The  neighboring 
Indians  in  a short  time  became  accustomed  to  the  uncouth 
sound  of  the  Dutch  language,  and  an  intercourse  gradually 
took  place  between  them  and  the  new-comers.  The  Indians 
were  much  given  to  long  talks,  and  the  Dutch  to  long  sil- 
ence; in  this  particular,  therefore,  they  accommodated 
each  other  completely.  The  chiefs  would  make  long 
speeches  about  the  big  bull,  the  Wabash,  and  the  Great 
Spirit,  to  which  the  others  would  listen  very  attentively, 
smoke  their  pipes  and  grunt  yah , myn-her — whereat  the 
poor  savages  were  wondrously  delighted.  They  instructed 
the  new  settlers  in  the  best  art  of  curing  and  smoking  to- 
bacco, while  the  latter,  in  return,  made  them  drunk  with 
true  Hollands,  and  then  taught  them  the  art  of  making 
bargains. 

A brisk  trade  for  furs  was  soon  opened:  the  Dutch 
traders  were  scrupulously  honest  in  their  dealings,  and  pur- 
chased by  weight,  establishing  it  as  an  invariable  table  of 
avoirdupois  that  the  hand  of  a Dutchman  weighed  one 
pound  and  his  foot  two  pounds.  It  is  true  the  simple  In- 
dians were  ofter  puzzled  by  the  great  disproportion  between 


52 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


bulk  and  weight,  for  let  them  place  a bundle  of  furs,  never 
so  large,  in  one  scale,  and  a Dutchman  put  his  hand  or  foot 
in  the  other,  the  bundle  was  sure  to  kick  the  beam — never 
was  a package  of  furs  known  to  weigh  more  than  two 
pounds  in  the  market  of  Communipaw! 

This  is  a singular  fact,  but  I have  it  direct  from  my 
great-great-grandfather,  who  had  risen  to  considerable  im- 
portance in  the  colony,  being  promoted  to  the  office  of 
weigh-master  on  account  of  the  uncommon  heaviness  of 
his  foot. 

The  Dutch  possessions  in  this  part  of  the  globe  began 
now  to  assume  a very  thriving  appearance,  and  were  com- 
prehended under  the  general  title  of  Nieuw  Nederlandts, 
on  account,  as  the  sage  Vander  Douck  observes,  of  their 
great  resemblance  to  the  Dutch  Netherlands;  which  indeed 
was  truly  remarkable,  excepting  that  the  former  were  rug- 
ged and  mountainous,  and  the  latter  level  and  marshy. 
About  this  time  the  tranquility  of  the  Dutch  colonists  was 
doomed  to  suffer  a temporary  interruption.  In  1614,  Cap- 
tain Sir  Samuel  Argal,  sailing  under  a commission  from 
Dale,  governor  of  Virginia,  visited  the  Dutch  settlements 
on  Hudson  River  and  demanded  their  submission  to  the 
English  crown  and  Virginian  dominion.  To  this  arro- 
gant demand,  as  they  were  in  no  condition  to  resist  it, 
they  submitted  for  the  time,  like  discreet  and  reasonable 
men. 

It  does  not  appear  that  the  valiant  Argal  molested  the 
settlement  of  Communipaw;  on  the  contrary,  I am  told 
that  when  his  vessel  first  hove  in  sight  the  worthy  burghers 
were  seized  with  such  a panic  that  they  fell  to  smoking 
their  pipes  with  astonishing  vehemence ; insomuch  that 
they  quickly  raised  a cloud  which,  combining  with  the 
surrounding  woods  and  marshes,  completely  enveloped 
and  concealed  their  beloved  village  and  overhung  the  fair 
regions  of  Pavonia,  so  that  the  terrible  Captain  Argal 
passed  on,  totally  unsuspicious  that  a sturdy  little  Dutch 
settlement  lay  snugly  couched  in  the  mud  under  cover  of 
all  this  pestilent  vapor.  In  commemoration  of  this  fortu- 
nate escape  the  worthy  inhabitants  have  continued  to 
smoke,  almost  without  intermission,  unto  this  very  day, 
which  is  said  to  be  the  cause  of  the  remarkable  fog 
which  often  hangs  over  Communipaw  of  a clear  after- 
noon. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


53 


Upon  the  departure  of  the  enemy  our  worthy  ancestors 
took  full  six  months  to  recover  their  wind  and  get  over  the 
consternation  into  which  they  had  been  thrown.  They 
then  called  a council  of  safety  to  smoke  over  the  state  of 
the  province.  At  this  council  presided  one  Oloffe  Van 
Kortlandt,  a personage  who  was  held  in  great  reverence 
among  the  sages  of  Communipaw  for  the  variety  and  dark- 
ness of  his  knowledge.  He  had  originally  been  one  of  a 
set  of  peripatetic  philosophers  who  had  passed  much  of 
their  time  sunning  themselves  on  the  side  of  the  great  canal 
of  Amsterdam  in  Holland,  enjoying,  like  Diogenes,  a free 
and  unencumbered  estate  in  sunshine.  His  name  Kort- 
landt  (Shortland  or  Lackland)  was  supposed,  like  that  of 
the  illustrious  Jean  Sansterre,  to  indicate  that  he  had  no 
land;  but  he  insisted,  on  the  contrary,  that  he  had  great 
landed  estates  somewhere  in  Terra  Incognita,  and  he  had 
come  out  to  the  New  World  to  look  after  them.  He  was 
the  first  great  land  speculator  that  we  read  of  in  these 
parts. 

Like  all  land  speculators,  he  was  much  given  to  dream- 
ing. Never  did  anything  extraordinary  happen  to  Corn- 
munipaw  but  he  declared  that  he  had  previously  dreamt  it, 
being  one  of  those  infallible  prophets  who  predict  events 
after  they  have  come  to  pass.  This  supernatural  gift  was 
as  highly  valued  among  the  burghers  of  Pavonia  as  among 
the  enlightened  nations  of  antiquity.  The  wise  Ulysses 
was  more  indebted  to  his  sleeping  than  his  waking  mo- 
ments for  his  most  subtle  achievements,  and  seldom  under- 
took any  great  exploit  without  first  soundly  sleeping  upon 
it;  and  the  same  maybe  said  of  Oloffe  Van  Kortlandt,  who 
was  hence  aptly  denominated  Oloffe  the  Dreamer. 

As  yet  his  dreams  and  speculations  had  turned  to  little 
personal  profit,  and  he  was  as  much  a lack-land  as  ever. 
Still,  he  carried  a high  head  in  the  community;  if  his 
sugar-loaf  hat  was  rather  the  worse  for  wear,  he  set  it  off 
with  a taller  cock’s  tail  ; if  his  shirt  was  none  of  the 
cleanest,  he  pulled  it  out  the  more  at  the  bosom;  and  if 
the  tail  of  it  peeped  out  of  a hole  in  his  breeches,  it  at 
least  proved  that  it  really  had  a tail  and  was  not  mere 
ruffle. 

The  worthy  Van  Kortlandt  in  the  council  in  question 
urged  the  policy  of  emerging  from  the  swamps  of  Com- 
munipaw and  seeking  some  more  eligible  site  for  the  seat 


54 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


of  empire.  Such,  he  said,  was  the  advice  of  the  good  St. 
Nicholas,  who  had  appeared  to  him  in  a dream  the  night 
before,  and  whom  he  had  known  by  his  broad  hat,  his 
long  pipe,  and  the  resemblance  which  he  bore  to  the  figure 
on  the  bow  of  the  Goede  Vrouw. 

Many  have  thought  this  dream  was  a mere  invention  of 
Oloffe  Van  Kortlandt,  who,  it  is  said,  had  ever  regarded 
Communipaw  with  an  evil  eye  because  lie  had  arrived  there 
after  all  the  land  had  been  shared  out,  and  who  was 
anxious  to  change  the  seat  of  empire  to  some  new  place, 
where  he  might  be  present  at  the  distribution  of  “town 
lots."  But  we  must  not  give  heed  to  such  insinuations, 
which  are  too  apt  to  be  advanced  against  those  worthy 
gentlemen  engaged  in  laying  out  towns  and  in  other  land 
speculations.  For  my  own  part,  I am  disposed  to  place 
the  same  implicit  faith  in  the  vision  of  Oloffe  the  Dreamer 
that  was  manifested  by  the  honest  burghers  of  Communi- 
paw, who  one  and  all  agreed  that  an  expedition  should  be 
forthwith  fitted  out  to  go  on  a voyage  of  discovery  in 
quest  of  a new  seat  of  empire. 

This  perilous  enterprise  was  to  be  conducted  by  Oloffe 
himself,  who  chose  as  lieutenants  or  coadjutors  Mynheers 
Abraham  Hardenbroeck,  Jacobus  Van  Zandt,  and  Winant 
Ten  Broeck — three  indubitably  great  men,  but  of  whose 
history,  although  I have  made  diligent  inquiry,  I can  learn 
but  little  previous  to  their  leaving  Holland.  Nor  need  this 
occasion  much  surprise,  for  adventurers,  like  prophets, 
though  they  make  great  noise  abroad,  have  seldom  much 
celebrity  in  their  own  countries ; but  this  much  is  certain, 
that  the  overflowings  and  offscourings  of  a country  are  in- 
variably composed  of  the  richest  parts  of  the  soil.  And 
here  I cannot  help  remarking  how  convenient  it  would  be 
to  many  of  our  great  men  and  great  families  of  doubtful 
origin  could  they  have  the  privilege  of  the  heroes  of  yore, 
who,  whenever  their  origin  was  involved  in  obscurity, 
modestly  announced  themselves  descended  from  a god,  and 
who  never  visited  a foreign  country  but  what  they  told 
some  cock-and-bull  stories  about  their  being  kings  and 
princes  at  home.  This  venal  trespass  on  the  truth,  though 
it  has  been  occasionally  played  off  by  some  pseudo  marquis, 
baronet,  and  other  illustrious  foreigner  in  our  land  of  good- 
natured  credulity,  has  been  completely  discountenanced  in 
this  skeptical,  matter-of-fact  age,  and  I even  question 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


55 


whether  any  tender  virgin,  who  was  accidentally  and  un- 
accountably enriched  with  a bantling,  would  save  her 
character  at  parlor  iiresides  and  evening  tea-parties  by 
ascribing  the  phenomenon  to  a swan,  a shower  of  gold, 
or  a river  god. 

Had  I the  benefit  of  mythology  and  classic  fable  above 
alluded  to,  I should  have  furnished  the  first  of  the  trio 
with  a pedigree  equal  to  that  of  the  proudest  hero  of  antiq- 
uity. His  name,  Van  Zandt — that  is  to  say,  from  the 
sand , or,  in  common  parlance,  from  the  dirt — gave  reason 
to  suppose  that,  like  Triptolemus,  Themes,  the  Cyclops, 
and  the  Titans,  he  had  sprung  from  Dame  Terra,  or  the 
earth!  This  supposition  is  strongly  corroborated  by  his 
size,  for  it  is  well  known  that  all  the  progeny  of  mother 
earth  were  of  a gigantic  stature;  and  Van  Zandt,  we  are 
told, was  a tall,  raw-boned  man,  above  six  feet  high,  with 
an  astonishingly  hard  head.  Nor  is  this  origin  of  the  illus- 
trious Van  Zandt  a wit  more  improbable  or  repugnant  to 
believe  than  what  is  related  and  universally  admitted  of 
certain  of  our  greatest,  or  rather  richest  men,  who,  we  are 
told  with  the  utmost  gravity,  did  originally  spring  from  a 
dunghill! 

Of  the  second  of  the  trio  but  faint  accounts  have 
reached  to  this  time,  which  mention  that  he  was  a sturdy, 
obstinate,  worrying,  bustling  little  man,  and,  from  being 
usually  equipped  in  an  old  pair  of  buckskins,  was  famil- 
iarly dubbed  Hardenbroeck;  that  is  to  say.  Hard  in  the 
Breech,  or,  as  it  was  generally  rendered,  Tough  Breeches. 

Ten  Broeck  completed  this  junto  of  adventurers.  It  is 
a singular  but  ludicrous  fact — which,  were  I not  scrupu- 
lous in  recording  the  whole  truth,  I should  almost  be 
tempted  to  pass  over  in  silence  as  incompatible  with  the 
gravity  and  dignity  of  history — that  this  worthy  gentleman 
should  likewise  have  been  nicknamed  from  what  in  modern 
times  is  considered  the  most  ignoble  part  of  the  dress. 
But  in  truth  the  small-clothes  seems  to  have  been  a very 
dignified  garment  in  the  eyes  of  our  venerated  ancestors, 
in  all  probability  from  its  covering  that  part  of  the  body 
which  has  been  pronounced  “the  seat  of  honor.” 

The  name  of  Ten  Broeck,  or,  as  it  was  sometimes  spelled. 
Tin  Broeck,  has  been  indifferently  translated  into  Ten 
Breeches  and  Tin  Breeches.  Certain  elegant  and  ingenious 
writers  on  the  subject  declare  in  favor  of  Tin,  or  rather 


56 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Thin , Breeches;  whence  they  infer  that  the  original  bearer 
of  it  was  a poor  but  merry  rogue,  whose  galligaskins  were 
none  of  the  soundest,  and  who,  peradventure,  may  have 
been  the  author  of  that  truly  phisosopliical  stanza: 

“ Then  why  should  we  quarrel  for  riches, 

Or  any  such  glittering  toys? 

A light  heart  and  thin  pair  of  breeches 

Will  go  through  the  world,  my  brave  boys!” 

The  more  accurate  commentators,  however,  declare  in 
favor  of  the  other  reading, and  affirm  that  the  worthy  in  ques- 
tion was  a burly,  bulbous  man,  who,  in  sheer  ostentation 
of  his  venerable  progenitors,  was  the  first  to  introduce  into 
the  settlement  the  ancient  Dutch  fashion  of  ten  pair  of 
breeches. 

Such  was  the  trio  of  coadjutors  chosen  by  Oloffe  the 
Dreamer  to  accompany  him  in  this  voyage  into  unknown 
realms;  as  to  the  names  of  his  crews,  they  have  not  been 
handed  down  by  history. 

Having,  as  I before  observed,  passed  much  of  his  life  in 
the  open  air,  among  the  peripatetic  philosophers  of  Am- 
sterdam, Oloffe  had  become  familiar  with  the  aspect  of  the 
heavens,  and  could  as  accurately  determine  when  a storm 
was  brewing  or  a squall  rising  as  a dutiful  husband  can 
foresee  from  the  brow  of  his  spouse  when  a tempest  is 
gathering  about  his  ears.  Having  pitched  upon  a time  for 
his  voyage  when  the  skies  appeared  propitious,  he  exhorted 
all  his  crews  to  take  a good  night's  rest,  wind  up  their 
family  affairs,  and  make  their  wills — precautions  taken  by 
our  forefathers  even  in  after-times  when  they  became  more 
adventurous,  and  voyaged  to  Haverstraw,  or  Kaatskill,  or 
Groodt  Esopus,  or  any  other  far  country  beyond  the  great 
waters'  of  the  Tappaan  Zee. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


57 


CHAPTER  IV. 

HOW  THE  HEROES  OF  COMMUNIPAW  VOYAGED  TO  HELL- 
GATE,  AND  HOW  THEY  WERE  RECEIVED  THERE. 

And  now  the  rosy  blush  of  morn  began  to  mantle  in  the 
east,  and  soon  the  rising  sun,  emerging  from  amid  golden 
and  purple  clouds,  shed  his  blithesome  rays  on  the  tin 
weathercocks  of  Communipaw.  It  was  that  delicious  sea- 
son of  the  year  when  Nature,  breaking  from  the  chilling 
thraldom  of  old  winter,  like  a blooming  damsel  from  the 
tyranny  of  a sordid  old  father,  threw  herself,  blushing  with 
ten  thousand  charms,  into  the  arms  of  youthful  spring. 
Every  tufted  copse  and  blooming  grove  resounded  with  the 
notes  of  hymeneal  love.  The  very  insects,  as  they  sipped 
the  dew  that  gemmed  the  tender  grass  of  the  meadows, 
joined  in  the  joyous  epithalamium,  the  virgin  bud  timidly 
put  forth  its  blushes,  “the  voice  of  the  turtle  was  heard  in 
the  land,”  and  the  heart  of  man  dissolved  away  in  tender- 
ness. 0 sweet  Theocritus!  had  I thine  oaten  reed,  where- 
with thou  erst  did  charm  the  gay  Sicilian  plains,  or  0 
gentle  Bion!  thy  pastoral  pipe,  wherein  the  happy  swains 
of  the  Lesbian  isle  so  much  delighted,  then  might  I at- 
tempt to  sing,  in  soft  Bucolic  or  negligent  Idyllium,  the 
rural  beauties  of  the  scene.  But  having  nothing,  save  this 
jaded  goose-quill,  wherewith  to  wing  my  flight,  I must  fain 
resign  all  poetic  disportings  of  the  fancy  and  pursue  my 
narrative  in  humble  prose,  comforting  myself  with  the 
hope  that  though  it  may  not  steal  so  sweetly  upon  the  im- 
agination of  my  reader,  yet  it  may  commend  itself,  with 
virgin  modesty,  to  his  better  judgment  clothed  in  the 
chaste  and  simple  garb  of  truth. 

No  sooner  did  the  first  rays  of  cheerful  Phoebus  dart 
into  the  windows  of  Communipaw  than  the  little  settle- 
ment was  all  in  motion.  Forth  issued  from  his  castle  the 
sage  Van  Kortlandt,  and,  seizing  a conch-shell,  blew  a far- 


58 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


resounding  blast,  that  soon  summoned  all  his  lusty  follow- 
ers. Then  did  they  trudge  resolutely  down  to  the  water- 
side, escorted  by  a multitude  of  relatives  and  friends,  who 
all  went  down,  as  the  common  phrase  expresses  it,  “to  see 
them  off.”  And  this  shows  the  antiquity  of  those  long 
family  processions,  often  seen  in  our  city,  composed  of  all 
ages,  sizes,  and  sexes,  laden  with  bundles  and  bandboxes, 
escorting  some  bevy  of  country  cousins  about  to  depart 
for  home  in  a market-boat. 

The  good  Oloffe  bestowed  his  forces  in  a squadron  of 
three  canoes,  and  hoisted  his  flag  on  board  a little  round 
Dutch  boat,  shaped  not  unlike  a tub,  which  had  for- 
merly been  the  jolly-boat  of  the  Goede  Vrouw.  And  now, 
all  being  embarked,  they  bade  farewell  to  the  gazing 
throng  upon  the  beach,  who  continued  shouting  after  them 
even  when  out  of  hearing,  wishing  them  a happy  voyage, 
advising  them  to  take  good  care  of  themselves, not  to  get 
drowned,  with  an  abundance  other  of  those  sage  and 
invaluable  cautions  generally  given  by  landsmen  to  such 
as  go  down  to  the  sea  in  ships  and  adventure  upon 
the  deep  waters.  In  the  meanwhile,  the  voyagers  cheerily 
urged  their  course  across  the  crystal  bosom  of  the  bay 
and  soon  left  behind  them  the  green  shores  of  ancient 
Pavonia. 

And  first  they  touched  at  two  small  islands  which  lie 
nearly  opposite  Communipaw,  and  which  are  said  to  have 
been  brought  into  existence  about  the  time  of  the  great 
irruption  of  the  Hudson,  when  it  broke  through  the  High- 
lands and  made  its  way  to  the  ocean.*  For  in  this  tremen- 
dous uproar  of  the  waters  we  are  told  that  many  huge 
fragments  of  rock  and  land  were  rent  from  the  mountains 
and  swept  down  by  this  runaway  river  for  sixty  or  seventy 

* It  is  a matter  long  since  established  by  certain  of  our  phi- 
losophers— that  is  to  say,  having  been  often  advanced  and  never 
contradicted,  it  has  grown  to  be  pretty  nigh  equal  to  a settled 
fact — that  the  Hudson  was  originally  a lake  dammed  up  by  the 
mountains  of  the  Highlands.  In  process  of  time,  however,  becom- 
ing very  mighty  and  obstreperous,  and  the  mountains  waxing  pursy, 
dropsical,  and  weak  in  the  back  by  reason  of  their  extreme  old  age, 
it  suddenly  rose  upon  them  and  after  a violent  struggle  effected  its 
escape.  This  is  said  to  have  come  to  pass  in  very  remote  time,  prob- 
ably before  that  rivers  had  lost  the  art  of  running  up  hill.  The 
foregoing  is  a theory  in  which  I do  not  pretend  to  be  skilled,  not- 
withstanding that  I do  fully  give  it  my  belief. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


59 


miles,  where  some  of  them  ran  aground  on  the  shoal  just 
opposite  Communipaw,  and  formed  the  identical  islands  in 
question,  while  others  drifted  out  to  sea  and  were  never 
heard  of  more!  A sufficient  proof  of  the  fact  is,  that  the 
rock  which  forms  the  bases  of  these  islands  is  exactly 
similar  to  that  of  the  Highlands,  and  moreover  one  of 
our  philosophers,  who  has  diligently  compared  the  agree- 
ment of  their  respective  surfaces,  has  even  gone  so  far  as 
to  assure  me,  in  confidence,  that  Gibbet  Island  was  orig- 
inally nothing  more  nor  less  than  a wart  on  Anthony's 
Nose.* 

Leaving  these  wonderful  little  isles,  they  next  coasted  by 
Governor's  Island,  since  terrible  from  its  frowning  fortress 
and  grinning  batteries.  They  would  by  no  means,  how- 
ever, land  upon  this  island,  since  they  doubted  much  it 
might  be  the  abode  of  demons  and  spirits,  which  in  those 
days  did  greatly  abound  throughout  this  savage  and  pagan 
country. 

Just  at  this  time  a shoal  of  jolly  porpoises  came  rolling 
and  tumbling  by,  turning  up  their  sleek  sides  to  the  sun 
and  spouting  up  the  briny  element  in  sparkling  showers. 
No  sooner  did  the  sage  Oloffe  mark  this  than  he  was 
greatly  rejoiced.  “This,"  exclaimed  he,  “if  I mistake  not, 
augurs  well:  the  porpoise  is  a fat,  well-conditioned  fish  a 
burgomaster  among  fishes;  his  looks  betoken  ease,  plenty, 
and  prosperity;  I greatly  admire  this  round  fat  fish,  and 
doubt  not  but  this  is  a happy  omen  of  the  success  of  our 
undertaking."  So  saying,  he  directed  his  squadron  to 
steer  in  the  track  of  these  alderman  fishes. 

Turning,  therefore,  directly  to  the  left,  they  swept  up 
the  strait  vulgarly  called  the  East  Kiver.  And  here  the 
rapid  tide  which  courses  through  this  strait,  seizing  on  the 
gallant  tub  in  which  Commodore  Van  Kortlandt  had  em- 
barked, hurried  it  forward  with  a velocity  unparalleled  in 
a Dutch  boat  navigated  by  Dutchmen;  insomuch  that  the 
good  commodore,  who  had  all  his  life  long  been  accus- 
tomed only  to  the  drowsy  navigation  of  canals,  was  more 
than  ever  convinced  that  they  were  in  the  hands  of  some 
supernatural  power,  and  that  the  jolly  porpoises  were  tow- 
ing them  to  some  fair  haven  that  was  to  fulfill  all  their 
wishes  and  expectations. 


* A promontory  in  the  Highlands. 


60 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Thus  borne  away  by  the  resistless  current,  they  doubled 
that  boisterous  point  of  land  since  called  Corlear's  Hook,* 
and  leaving  to  the  right  the  rich  winding  cove  of  the  Wal- 
labout,  they  drifted  into  a magnificent  expanse  of  water, 
surrounded  by  pleasant  shores  whose  verdure  was  exceed- 
ingly refreshing  to  the  eye.  While  the  voyagers  were 
looking  around  them  on  what  they  conceived  to  be  a serene 
and  sunny  lake,  they  beheld  at  a distance  a crew  of  painted 
savages  busily  employed  in  fishing,  who  seemed  more  like 
the  genii  of  this  romantic  region,  their  slender  canoe 
lightly  balanced  like  a feather  on  the  undulating  surface 
of  the  bay. 

At  sight  of  these  the  hearts  of  the  heroes  of  Commu- 
nipaw  were  not  a little  troubled.  But,  as  good  fortune 
would  have  it,  at  the  bow  of  the  commodore's  boat  was 
stationed  a very  valiant  man,  named  Hendrick  Kip  (which, 
being  interpreted,  means  chicken , a name  given  him  in 
token  of  his  courage).  No  sooner  did  he  behold  these 
varlet  heathens  than  he  trembled  with  excessive  valor,  and 
although  a good  half  mile  distant  he  seized  a musketoon  that 
lay  at  hand,  and,  turning  away  his  head,  fired  it  most  in- 
trepidly in  the  face  of  the  blessed  sun.  The  blundering 
weapon  recoiled  and  gave  the  valiant  Kip  an  ignominious 
kick,  which  laid  him  prostrate  with  uplifted  heels  in  the 
bottom  of  the  boat.  But  such  was  the  effect  of  this  trem- 
endous fire  that  the  wild  men  of  the  woods,  struck  with 
consternation,  seized  hastily  upon  their  paddles  and  shot 
away  into  one  of  the  deep  inlets  of  the  Long  Island  shore. 

This  signal  victory  gave  new  spirits  to  the  voyagers,  and 
in  honor  of  the  achievement  they  gave  the  name  of  the 
valiant  Kip  to  the  surrounding  bay,  and  it  has  continued 
to  be  called  Kip's  Bay  from  that  time  to  the  present.  The 
heart  of  the  good  Van  Kortlandt — who,  having  no  land  of 
his  own,  Xvas  a great  admirer  of  other  people's — expanded 
to  the  full  size  of  a pepper-corn  at  the  sumptuous  prospect 
of  rich  unsettled  country  around  him,  and  falling  into  a 
delicious  reverie  he  straightway  began  to  riot  in  the  possess- 
ion of  vast  meadows  of  salt  marsh  and  interminable 
patches  of  cabbages.  From  this  delectable  vision  he  was 
all  at  once  awakened  by  the  sudden  turning  of  the  tide, 
which  would  soon  have  hurried  him  from  this  land  of 


* Properly  spelled  hoeck  (i.  e.  a point  of  land). 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


61 


promise,  had  not  the  discreet  navigator  given  signal  to 
steer  for  shore,  where  they  accordingly  landed  hard  by 
the  rocky  heights  of  Bellevue — that  happy  retreat  where 
our  jolly  aldermen  eat  for  the  good  of  the  city  and  fatten 
the  turtle  that  are  sacrificed  on  civic  solemnities. 

Here,  seated  on  the  green  sward,  by  the  side  of  a small 
stream  that  ran  sparkling  among  the  grass,  they  refreshed 
themselves  after  the  toils  of  the  seas  by  feasting  lustily  on 
the  ample  stores  which  they  had  provided  for  this  perilous 
voyage.  Thus,  having  well  fortified  their  deliberative 
powers,  they  fell  into  an  earnest  consultation  what  was 
further  to  be  done.  This  was  the  first  council-dinner  ever 
eaten  at  Bellevue  by  Christian  burghers,  and  here,  as 
tradition  relates,  did  originate  the  great  family  feud  be- 
tween the  Hardenbroecks  and  the  Ten  Broecks  which  after- 
ward had  a singular  influence  on  the  building  of  the  city. 
The  sturdy  Hardenbroeck,  whose  eyes  had  been  wondrously 
delighted  with  the  salt  marshes  which  spread  their  reeking 
bosoms  along  the  coast  at  the  bottom  of  Kip’s  Bay,  coun- 
seled by  all  means  to  return  thither  and  found  the  intended 
city*  This  was  strenuously  opposed  by  the  unbending 
Ten  Broeck,  and  many  testy  arguments  passed  between 
them.  The  particulars  of  this  controversy  have  not  reached 
us,  which  is  ever  to  be  lamented:  this  much  is  certain,  that 
the  sage  Oloffe  put  an  end  to  the  dispute  by  determining 
to  explore  still  farther  in  the  route  which  the  mysterious 
porpoises  had  so  clearly  pointed  out,  whereupon  the  sturdy 
Tough  Breeches  abandoned  the  expedition,  took  possession 
of  a neighboring  hill,  and  in  a fit  of  great  wrath  peopled 
all  that  tract  of  country,  which  has  continued  to  be  inhab- 
ited by  the  Hardenbroecks  unto  this  very  day. 

By  this  time  the  jolly  Phoebus,  like  some  wanton  urchin 
sporting  on  the  side  of  a green  hill,  began  to  roll  down  the 
declivity  of  the  heavens;  and  now,  the  tide  having  once 
more  turned  in  their  favor,  the  Pavonians  again  commit- 
ted themselves  to  its  discretion,  and,  coasting  along  the 
western  shores,  were  borne  toward  the  straits  of  Black- 
well’s Island. 

And  here  the  capricious  wanderings  of  the  current  occa- 
sioned not  a little  marvel  and  perplexity  to  these  illustrious 
mariners.  Now  would  they  be  caught  by  the  wanton 
eddies,  and,  sweeping  round  a jutting  point,  would  wind 
deep  into  some  romantic  little  cove  that  indented  the  fair 


62 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


island  of  Manna-hata;  now  were  they  hurried  narrowly 
by  the  very  basis  of  impending  rocks,  mantled  with  the 
flaunting  grape-vine  and  crowned  with  groves  which  threw 
a broad  shade  on  the  waves  beneath;  and  anon  they  were 
borne  away  into  the  mid  channel  and  wafted  along  with  a 
rapidity  that  very  much  discomposed  the  sage  Van  Kort- 
landt,  who  as  he  saw  the  land  swiftly  receding  on  either 
side,  began  exceedingly  to  doubt  that  terra  firma  was  giv- 
ing them  the  slip. 

Wherever  the  voyagers  turned  their  eyes  a new  creation 
seemed  to  bloom  around.  No  signs  of  human  thrift  ap- 
peared to  check  the  delicious  wildness  of  Nature,  who  here 
reveled  in  all  her  luxuriant  variety.  Those  hills,  now 
bristled,  like  the  fretful  porcupine,  with  rows  of  poplars 
(vain  upstart  plants!  minions  of  wealth  and  fashion!), 
were  then  adorned  with  the  vigorous  natives  of  the  soil — 
the  hardy  oak,  the  generous  chestnut,  the  graceful  elm 
— while  here  and  there  the  tulip  tree  reared  its  majestic 
head,  the  giant  of  the  forest.  Where  now  are  seen  the 
gay  retreats  of  luxury — villas  half  buried  in  twilight 
bowers,  whence  the  amorous  flute  oft  breathes  the  sighings 
of  some  city  swain — there  the  fish-hawk  built  his  solitary 
nest  on  some  dry  tree  that  overlooked  his  watery  domain. 
The  timid  deer  fed  undisturbed  along  those  shores  now 
hallowed  by  the  lover's  moonlight  walk  and  printed  by  the 
slender  foot  of  beauty;  and  a savage  solitude  extended 
over  those  happy  regions  where  now  are  reared  the  stately 
towers  of  the  Joneses,  the  Schermerhornes,  and  the  Rhine- 
landers. 

Thus  gliding  in  silent  wonder  through  these  new  and 
unknown  scenes,  the  gallant  squadron  of  Pavonia  swept  by 
the  foot  of  a promonotory  which  strutted  forth  boldly  into 
the  waves  and  seemed  to  frown  upon  them  as  they  brawled 
against  its  base.  This  is  the  bluff  well  known  to  modern 
mariners  by  the  name  of  Gracie’s  Point,  from  the  fair 
castle  which,  like  an  elephant,  it  carries  upon  its  back. 
And  here  broke  upon  their  view  a wild  and  varied  pros- 
pect, where  land  and  water  were  beau teously  intermingled, 
as  though  they  had  combined  to  heighten  and  set  off  each 
other's  charms.  To  their  right  lay  the  sedgy  point  of 
Blackwell's  Island,  dressed  in  the  fresh  garniture  of  living 
green;  beyond  it  stretched  the  pleasant  coast  of  Sundswick 
and  the  small  harbor  well  known  by  the  name  of  Hallet's 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


63 


Cove — a place  infamous  in  latter  days  by  reason  of  its 
being  the  haunt  of  pirates  who  infest  these  seas,  robbing 
orchards  and  watermelon-patches,  and  insulting  gentlemen 
navigators  when  voyaging  in  their  pleasure-boats.  To  the 
left  a deep  bay,  or  rather  creek,  gracefully  receded  be- 
tween shores  fringed  with  forests  and  forming  a kind  of 
vista,  through  which  were  beheld  the  sylvan  regions  of 
Haerlem,  Morrissania  and  East  Chester.  Here  the  eye 
reposed  with  delight  on  a richly  wooded  country,  diversi- 
fied by  tufted  knolls,  shadowy  intervals,  and  waving  lines 
of  upland  swelling  above  each  other,  while  over  the  whole 
the  purple  mists  of  spring  diffused  a hue  of  soft  volup- 
tuousness. 

Just  before  them  the  grand  course  of  the  stream,  making 
a sudden  bend,  wound  among  embowered  promontories  and 
shores  of  emerald  verdure  that  seemed  to  melt  into  the 
wave.  A character  of  gentleness  and  mild  fertility  pre- 
vailed around.  The  sun  had  just  descended,  and  the  thin 
haze  of  twilight,  like  a transparent  veil  drawn  over  the 
bosom  of  virgin  beauty,  heightened  the  charms  which  it 
half  concealed. 

Ah!  witching  scenes  of  foul  delusion!  Ah!  hapless 
voyagers,  gazing  with  simple  wonder  on  these  Circean 
shores!  Such,  alas!  are  they,  poor  easy  souls,  who  listen 
to  the  seductions  of  a wicked  world — treacherous  are  its 
smiles,  fatal  its  caresses.  He  who  yields  to  its  enticements 
lanches  upon  a whelming  tide,  and  trusts  his  feeble  bark 
among  the  dimpling  eddies  of  a whirlpool!  And  thus  it 
fared  with  the  worthies  of  Pavonia,  who,  little  mistrusting 
the  guileful  scene  before  them,  drifted  quietly  on  until  they 
were  aroused  by  an  uncommon  tossing  and  agitation  of 
their  vessels.  For  now  the  late  dimpling  current  began  to 
brawl  around  them  and  the  waves  to  boil  and  foam  with 
horrific  fury.  Awakened  as  if  from  a dream,  the  aston- 
ished Oloffe  bawled  aloud  to  put  about,  but  his  words  were 
lost  amid  the  roaring  of  the  waters.  And  now  ensued  a 
scene  of  direful  consternation.  At  one  time  they  were 
borne  with  dreadful  velocity  among  tumultuous  breakers; 
at  another  hurried  down  boisterous  rapids.  Now  they  were 
nearly  dashed  upon  the  Hen  and  Chickens  (infamous  rocks! 
— more  voracious  than  Scylla  and  her  whelps),  and  anon 
they  seemed  sinking  into  yawning  gulfs  that  threatened  to 


64 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


entomb  them  beneath  the  waves.  All  the  elements  com- 
bined to  produce  a hideous  confusion.  The  waters  raged, 
the  winds  howled,  and  as  they  were  hurried  along  several 
of  the  astonished  mariners  beheld  the  rocks #and  trees  of 
the  neighboring  shores  driving  through  the  air! 

At  length  the  mighty  tub  of  Commodore  Van  Kortlandt 
was  drawn  into  the  vortex  of  that  tremendous  whirlpool 
called  the  Pot,  where  it  was  whirled  about  in  giddy  mazes 
until  the  senses  of  the  good  commander  and  his  crew  were 
overpowered  by  the  horror  of  the  scene  and  the  strangeness 
of  the  revolution. 

How  the  gallant  squadron  of  Pavonia  was  snatched  from 
the  jaws  of  this  modern  Charybdis  has  never  been  truly 
made  known,  for  so  many  survived  to  tell  the  tale,  and, 
what  is  still  more  wonderful,  told  it  in  so  many  different 
ways,  that  there  has  ever  prevailed  a great  variety  of  opin- 
ions on  the  subject. 

As  to  the  commodore  and  his  crew,  when  they  came  to 
their  senses  they  found  themselves  stranded  on  the  Long- 
Island  shore.  The  worthy  commodore,  indeed,  used  to 
relate  many  and  wonderful  stories  of  his  adventures  in 
this  time  of  peril — how  that  he  saw  specters  flying  in  the 
air  and  heard  the  yelling  of  hobgoblins,  and  put  his  hand 
into  the  pot  when  they  were  whirled  round,  and  found  the 
water  scalding  hot,  and  beheld  several  uncouth-looking 
beings  seated  on  rocks  and  skimming  it  with  huge  ladles; 
but  particularly  he  declared,  with  great  exultation,  that 
he  saw  the  losel  porpoises,  which  had  betrayed  them  into 
this  peril,  some  broiling  on  the  Gridiron  and  others  hissing 
on  the  Frying-pan! 

These,  however,  were  considered  by  many  as  mere  phan- 
tasies of  the  commodore  while  he  lay  in  a trance,  especially 
as  he  was  known  to  be  given  to  dreaming,  and  the  truth 
of  them  has  never  been  clearly  ascertained.  It  is  certain, 
however,  that  to  the  accounts  of  Oloffe  and  his  followers 
may  be  traced  the  various  traditions  handed  down  of  this 
marvelous  strait — as  how  the  devil  has  been  seen  there 
sitting  astride  of  the  Hog's  Back  and  playing  on  the  fiddle, 
how  he  broils  fish  there  before  a storm,  and  many  other 
stories  in  which  we  must  be  cautious  of  putting  too  much 
faith.  In  consequence  of  all  these  terrific  circumstances 
the  Pavonian  commander  gave  this  pass  the  name  of  Helle - 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


65 


gat , or,  as  it  has  been  interpreted.  Hell- Gate;*  which  it 
continues  to  bear  at  the  present  day. 

* This  is  a narrow  strait  in  the  sound,  at  the  distance  of  six  miles 
above  New  York.  It  is  dangerous  to  shipping,  unless  under  the  care 
of  skillful  pilots,  by  reason  of  numerous  rocks,  shelves,  and  whirl- 
pools. These  have  received  sundry  appellations,  such  as  the  Grid- 
iron, Frying-pan,  Hog’s  Back,  Pot,  etc.,  and  are  very  violent  and 
turbulent  at  certain  times  of  tide.  Certain  mealy-mouthed  men, 
of  squeamish  consciences,  who  are  loth  to  give  the  devil  his  due, 
have  softened  the  above  characteristic  name  into  Hurl-g ate,  for- 
sooth! Let  those  take  care  how  they  venture  into  the  Gate,  or 
they  may  be  hurled  into  the  Pot  before  they  are  aware  of  it.  The 
name  of  this  strait,  as  given  by  our  author,  is  supported  by  the  map 
in  Vander  Donck’s  history,  published  in  1656,  by  Ogilvie’s  History 
of  America,  1671,  as  also  by  a journal  still  extant,  written  in  the 
sixteenth  century,  and  to  be  found  in  Hazard’s  State  Papers.  And 
an  old  MS  written  in  French,  speaking  of  various  alterations,  in 
names  about  this  city,  observes,  “De  Helle-gat  trou  d’Enfer,  ils  ont 
fait  Hell-gate , Porte  d’Enfer. ” 


66 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  V. 

HOW  THE  HEROES  OF  COMMUNIPAW  RETURNED  SOMEWHAT 
WISER  THAN  THEY  WENT — AND  HOW  THE  SAGE  OLOFFE 
DREAMED  A DREAM — AND  THE  DREAM  THAT  HE 
DREAMED. 

The  darkness  of  night  had  closed  upon  this  disastrous 
day,  and  a doleful  night  was  it  to  the  shipwrecked  Pavon- 
ians,  whose  ears  were  incessantly  assailed  with  the  raging 
of  the  elements  and  the  howling  of  the  hobgoblins  that  in- 
fested this  perfidious  strait.  But  when  the  morning  dawned 
the  horrors  of  the  preceding  evening  had  passed  away — 
rapids,  breakers,  and  whirlpools  had  disappeared,  the  stream 
again  ran  smooth  and  dimpling,  and,  having  changed  its 
tide,  rolled  gently  back  toward  the  quarter  where  lay 
their  much-regretted  home. 

The  woe-begone  heroes  of  Communipaw  eyed  each  other 
with  rueful  countenances;  their  squadron  had  been  totally 
dispersed  by  the  late  disaster.  Some  were  cast  upon  the 
western  shore,  where,  headed  by  one  Ruleff  Hopper,  they 
took  possession  of  all  the  country  lying  about  the  six- 
mile  stone,  which  is  held  by  the  Hoppers  at  this  present 
writing. 

The  Waldrons  were  driven  by  stress  of  weather  to  a dis- 
tant coast,  where,  having  with  them  a jug  of  genuine  Hol- 
lands, they  were  enabled  to  conciliate  the  savages,  setting 
up  a kind  of  tavern;  whence,  it  is  said,  did  spring  the  fair 
town  of  Haerlem,  in  which  their  descendants  have  ever 
since  continued  to  be  reputable  publicans.  As  to  the  Suy- 
dams,  they  were  thrown  upon  the  Long  Island  coast,  and 
may  still  be  found  in  those  parts.  But  the  most  singular 
luck  attended  the  great  Ten  Broeck,  who,  falling  over- 
board, was  miraculously  preserved  from  sinking  by  the 
multitude  of  his  nether  garments.  Thus  buoyed  up,  he 
floated  on  the  waves  like  a merman  or  like  an  angler’s 


BISTORT  OF  NEW  TORE. 


67 


dobber  until  lie  landed  safely  on  a rock,  where  he  was 
found  the  next  morning  busily  drying  his  many  breeches 
in  the  sunshine. 

I forbear  to  treat  of  the  long  consultation  of  Oloffe  with 
his  remaining  followers,  in  which  they  determined  that  it 
would  never  do  to  found  a city  in  so  diabolical  a neighbor- 
hood. Suffice  it  in  simple  brevity  to  say  that  they  once 
more  committed  themselves,  with  fear  and  trembling,  to  the 
briny  element,  and  steered  their  course  back  again  through 
the  scenes  of  their  yesterday’s  voyage,  determined  no 
longer  to  roam  in  search  of  distant  sites,  but  to  settle 
themselves  down  in  the  marshy  regions  of  Pavonia. 

Scarce,  however,  had  they  gained  a distant  view  of  Com- 
munipaw  when  they  were  encountered  by  an  obstinate 
eddy  which  opposed  their  homeward  voyage.  Weary  and 
dispirited  as  they  were,  they  yet  tugged  a feeble  oar  against 
the  stream,  until,  as  if  to  settle  the  strife,  half  a score  of 
potent  billows  rolled  the  tub  of  Commodore  Van  Kort- 
landt high  and  dry  on  the  long  point  of  an  island  which 
divided  the  bosom  of  the  bay. 

Some  pretend  that  these  billows  were  sent  by  old  Nep- 
tune to  strand  the  expedition  on  the  spot  whereon  was  to  be 
founded  his  stronghold  in  this  Western  World  ; others, 
more  pious,  attribute  everything  to  the  guardianship  of  the 
good  St.  Nicholas,  and  after  events  will  be  found  to  cor- 
roborate this  opinion.  Oloffe  Van  Kortlandt  was  a devout 
trencherman.  Every  repast  was  a kind  of  religious  rite 
with  him,  and  his  first  thought  on  finding  himself  once  more 
on  dry  ground  was  how  he  should  contrive  to  celebrate  his 
wonderful  escape  from  Iiell-gate  and  all  its  horrors  by  a 
solemn  banquet.  The  stores  which  had  been  provided  for 
the  voyage  by  the  good  housewives  of  Communipaw  were 
nearly  exhausted,  but  in  casting  his  eyes  about  the  com- 
modore beheld  that  the  shore  abounded  with  oysters.  A 
great  store  of  these  was  instantly  collected  ; a fire  was 
made  at  the  foot  of  a tree  ; all  hands  fell  to  roasting  and 
broiling  and  stewing  and  frying,  and  a sumptuous  repast 
was  soon  set  forth.  This  is  thought  to  be  the  origin  of 
those  civic  feasts  with  which  to  the  present  day  all  our 
public  affairs  are  celebrated,  and  in  which  the  oyster  is 
ever  sure  to  play  an  important  part. 

On  the  present  occasion  the  worthy  Van  Kortlandt  was 
observed  to  be  particularly  zealous  in  his  devotions  to  the 


68 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


trencher;  for,  having  the  cares  of  the  expedition  especially 
committed  to  his  care,  he  deemed  it  incumbent  on  him  to 
eat  profoundly  for  the  public  good.  In  proportion  as  he 
filled  himself  to  the  very  brim  with  the  dainty  viands  be- 
fore him,  did  the  heart  of  this  excellent  burgher  rise  up 
toward  his  throat,  until  he  seemed  crammed  and  almost 
choked  with  good  eating  and  good  nature.  And  at  such 
times  it  is,  when  a man’s  heart  is  in  his  throat,  that  he  may 
more  truly  be  said  to  speak  from  it  and  his  speeches  abound 
with  kindess  and  good  fellowship.  Thus,  having  swal- 
lowed the  last  possible  morsel  and  washed  it  down  with  a 
fervent  potation,  Oloffe  felt  his  heart  yearning  and  his 
whole  frame  in  a manner  dilating  with  unbounded  benevo- 
lence. Everything  around  him  seemed  excellent  and  de- 
lightful, and,  laying  his  hands  on  each  side  of  his  capacious 
periphery,  and  rolling  his  half-closed  eyes  around  on  the 
beautiful  diversity  of  land  and  water  before  him,  he  ex- 
claimed, in  a fat,  half-smothered  voice,  “ What  a charm- 
ing prospect  \”  The  words  died  away  in  his  throat,  he 
seemed  to  ponder  on  the  fair  scene  for  a moment,  his  eye- 
lids heavily  closed  over  their  orbits,  his  head  drooped  upon 
his  bosom,  he  slowly  sank  upon  the  green  turf,  and  a deep 
sleep  stole  gradually  over  him. 

And  the  sage  Oloffe  dreamed  a dream,  and  lo,  the  good 
St.  Nicholas  came  riding  over  the  tops  of  the  trees  in  that 
self-same  wagon  wherein  he  brings  his  yearly  presents  to 
children,  and  he  descended  hard  by  where  the  heroes  of 
Communipaw  had  made  their  late  repast.  And  he  lit  his 
pipe  by  the  fire  and  sat  himself  down  and  smoked,  and  as 
lie  smoked  the  smoke  from  his  pipe  ascended  into  the  air 
and  spread  like  a cloud  overhead.  And  Oloffe  bethought 
him,  and  he  hastened  and  climbed  up  to  the  top  of  one  of 
the  tallest  trees,  and  saw  that  the  smoke  spread  over  a great 
extent  of  country;  and  as  he  considered  it  more  attentively 
lie  fancied  that  the  great  volume  of  smoke  assumed  a variety 
of  marvelous  forms,  where  in  dim  obscurity  he  saw  shad- 
owed out  palaces  and  domes  and  lofty  spires,  all  of  which 
lasted  but  a moment  and  then  faded  away,  until  the  whole 
rolled  off  and  nothing  but  the  green  woods  were  left.  And 
when  St.  Nicholas  had  smoked  his  pipe  he  twisted  it  in  his 
hat-band,  and,  laying  his  finger  beside  his  nose,  gave  the 
astonished  Van  Kortlandt  a very  significant  look,  then 
mounting  his  wagon  he  returned  over  the  tree-tops  and 
disappeared. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


69 


And  Van  Kortlandt  awoke  from  his  sleep  greatly  in- 
structed, and  he  aroused  his  companions  and  related  to 
them  his  dream,  and  interpreted  it  that  it  was  the  will  of 
St.  Nicholas  that  they  should  settle  down  and  build  the  city 
here,  and  that  the  smoke  of  the  pipe  was  a type  of  how  vast 
would  be  the  extent  of  the  city,  inasmuch  as  the  volumes 
of  the  smoke  would  spread  over  a wide  extent  of  country. 
And  they  all  with  one  voice  assented  to  this  interpretation, 
excepting  Mynheer  Ten  Broeck,  who  declared  the  meaning 
to  be  that  it  would  be  a city  wherein  a little  lire  would 
occasion  a great  smoke,  or,  in  other  words,  a very  vaporing 
little  city;  both  which  interpretations  have  strangely  come 
to  pass! 

The  great  object  of  their  perilous  expedition,  therefore, 
being  thus  happily  accomplished,  the  voyagers  returned 
merrily  to  Communipaw,  where  they  were  received  with 
great  rejoicings.  And  here,  calling  a general  meeting  of 
all  the  wise  men  and  the  dignitaries  of  Pavonia,  they  re- 
lated the  whole  history  of  their  voyage  and  of  the  dream 
of  Oloffe  Van  Kortlandt.  And  the  people  lifted  up  their 
voices  and  blessed  the  good  St.  Nicholas,  and  from  that 
time  forth  the  sage  Van  Kortlandt  was  held  in  more  honor 
than  ever  for  his  great  talent  at  dreaming,  and  was  pro- 
nounced a most  useful  citizen  and  a right  good  man — when 
he  was  asleep. 


70 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORE 


CHAPTER  VI. 

CONTAINING  AN  ATTEMPT  AT  ETYMOLOGY — AND  OF  THE 

FOUNDING  OF  THE  GREAT  CITY  OF  NEW  AMSTERDAM. 

The  original  name  of  the  island  whereon  the  squadron 
of  Communipaw  was  thus  propitiously  thrown  is  a matter 
of  some  dispute,  and  has  already  undergone  considerable 
vitiation — a melancholy  proof  of  the  instability  of  all  sub- 
lunary things  and  the  vanity  of  all  our  hopes  of  lasting 
fame;  for  who  can  expect  his  name  will  live  to  posterity 
when  even  the  names  of  mighty  islands  are  thus  soon  lost 
in  contradiction  and  uncertainty? 

The  name  most  current  at  the  present  day,  and  which  is 
likewise  countenanced  by  the  great  historian  Vander  Donck, 
is  Manhattan,  which  is  said  to  have  originated  in  a cus- 
tom among  the  squaws,  in  the  early  settlement,  of  wearing 
men’s  hats,  as  is  still  done  among  many  tribes.  “ Hence,” 
as  we  are  told  by  an  old  governor  who  was  somewhat  of  a 
wag  and  flourished  almost  a century  since,  and  had  paid 
a visit  to  the  wits  of  Philadelphia,  “ hence  arose  the  appel- 
lation of  man-hat-on,  first  given  to  the  Indians,  and  after- 
ward to  the  island  ” — a stupid  joke,  but  well  enough  for  a 
governor. 

Among  the  more  venerable  sources  of  information  on 
this  subject  is  that  valuable  history  of  the  American  pos- 
sessions written  by  Master  Richard  Blome  in  1687,  wherein 
it  is  called  Manhadaes  and  Manahanent ; nor  must  I forget 
the  excellent  little  book,  full  of  precious  matter,  of  that 
authentic  historian,  John  Josselyn,  Gent.,  who  expressly 
calls  it  Manadaes. 

Another  etymology  still  more  ancient,  and  sanctioned  by 
the  countenance  of  our  ever-to-be-lamented  Dutch  ances- 
tors, is  that  found  in  certain  letters  still  extant,*  which 
passed  between  the  early  governors  and  their  neighboring 


* Vide  Hazard’s  Col.  Stat.  Pap. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


71 


powers,  wherein  it  is  called  indifferently  Monhattoes,  Mun- 
hatos,  and  Manhattoes,  which  are  evidently  unimportant 
variations  of  the  same  name  ; for  our  wise  forefathers  set 
little  store  by  those  niceties  either  in  orthography  or 
ortheopy  which  form  the  sole  study  and  ambition  of  many 
learned  men  and  women  of  this  hypercritical  age.  This  last 
name  is  said  to  be  derived  from  the  great  Indian  spirit 
Manetho,  who  was  supposed  to  make  this  island  his  favorite 
abode  on  account  of  its  uncommon  delights.  For  the 
Indian  traditions  affirm  that  the  bay  was  once  a translucid 
lake,  filled  with  silver  and  golden  fish,  in  the  midst  of 
which  lay  this  beautiful  island,  covered  with  every  variety 
of  fruits  and  flowers  ; but  that  the  sudden  irruption  of  the 
Hudson  laid  waste  these  blissful  scenes,  and  Manetho  took 
his  flight  beyond  the  great  waters  of  Ontario. 

These,  however,  are  very  fabulous  legends,  to  which  very 
cautious  credence  must  be  given;  and  though  I am  willing 
to  admit  the  last-quoted  orthography  of  the  name  as  very 
fit  for  prose,  yet  is  there  another  which  I peculiarly  de- 
light in  as  at  once  poetical,  melodious,  and  significant,  and 
which  we  have  on  the  authority  of  Master  Juet,  who  in  his 
account  of  the  voyage  of  the  great  Hudson  calls  this  Man- 
na-hata;  that  is  to  say,  the  island  of  manna,  or,  in  other 
words,  a land  flowing  with  milk  and  honey. 

Still,  my  deference  to  the  learned  obliges  me  to  notice 
the  opinion  of  the  worthy  Dominie  Heckwelder,  which 
ascribes  the  name  to  a great  drunken  bout  held  on  the 
island  by  the  Dutch  discoverers,  whereat  they  made  certain 
of  the  natives  most  ecstatically  drunk  for  the  first  time  in 
their  lives ; who,  being  delighted  with  their  jovial  enter- 
tainment, gave  the  place  the  name  of  Mannahattanink  ; 
that  is  to  say.  The  Island  of  Jolly  Topers — a name  which 
it  continues  to  merit  to  the  present  day.* 

* MSS  of  the  Rev.  John  Heckwelder,  in  the  archives  of  the  New 
York  Historical  Society. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

HOW  THE  PEOPLE  OF  PAVONIA  MIGRATED  FROM  COMMU- 
NIPAW  TO  THE  ISLAND  OF  MANNA-HATA — AND  HOW 
OLOFFE  THE  DREAMER  PROVED  HIMSELF  A GREAT 
LAND  SPECULATOR. 

It  having  been  solemnly  resolved  that  the  seat  of  empire 
should  be  removed  from  the  green  shores  of  Pavonia  to  the 
pleasant  island  of  Manna-hatta,  everybody  was  anxious  to 
embark  under  the  standard  of  Oloffe  the  Dreamer,  and  to 
be  among  the  first  sharers  of  the  promised  land.  A day 
was  appointed  for  the  grand  migration,  and  on  that  day 
little  Communipaw  was  in  a buzz  and  bustle  like  a hive  in 
swarming-time.  Houses  were  turned  inside  out  and  stripped 
of  the  venerable  furniture  which  had  come  from  Holland  ; 
all  the  community,  great  and  small,  black  and  white,  man, 
woman  and  child,  was  in  commotion,  forming  lines  from 
the  houses  to  the  water-side,  like  lines  of  ants  from  an 
ant-hill ; everybody  laden  with  some  article  of  household 
furniture,  while  busy  housewives  plied  backward  and  for- 
ford  along  the  lines,  helping  everything  forward  by  the 
nimbleness  of  their  tongues. 

By  degrees  a fleet  of  boats  and  canoes  were  piled  up 
with  all  kinds  of  household  articles — ponderous  tables ; 
chests  of  drawers  resplendent  with  brass  ornaments;  quaint 
corner  cupboards ; beds  and  bedsteads;  with  any  quantity 
of  pots,  kettles,  frying-pans  and  Dutch  ovens.  In  each 
boat  embarked  a whole  family,  from  the  robustious  burgher 
down  to  the  cats  and  dogs  and  little  negroes.  In  this  way 
they  set  off  across  the  mouth  of  the  Hudson,  under  the 
guidance  of  Oloffe  the  Dreamer,  who  hoisted  his  standard 
on  the  leading  beat. 

This  memorable  migration  took  place  on  the  first  of  May, 
and  was  long  cited  in  tradition  as  the  grand  moving.  The 
anniversary  of  it  was  piously  observed  among  the  “sons  of 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


73 


the  pilgrims  of  Communipaw”  by  turning  their  houses 
topsy-turvy,  and  carrying  all  the  furniture  through  the 
streets,  in  emblem  of  the  swarming  of  the  parent  hive ; 
and  this  is  the  real  origin  of  the  universal  agitation  and 
“ moving”  by  which  this  most  restless  of  cities  is  literally 
turned  out  of  doors  on  every  May  Day. 

As  the  little  squadron  from  Communipaw  drew  near  to 
the  shores  of  Manna-hata,  a sachem  at  the  head  of  a band 
of  warriors  appeared  to  oppose  their  landing.  Some  of  the 
most  zealous  of  the  pilgrims  were  for  chastising  this  in- 
solence with  powder  and  ball,  according  to  the  approved 
mode  of  discoverers;  but  the  sage  Olofle  gave  them  the 
significant  sign  of  St.  Nicholas,  laying  his  finger  beside  his 
nose  and  winking  hard  with  one  eye,  whereupon  his  fol- 
lowers perceived  that  there  was  something  sagacious  in  the 
wink.  He  now  addressed  the  Indians  in  the  blandest  terms, 
and  made  such  tempting  display  of  beads,  hawks'-bells, 
and  red  blankets  that  he  was  soon  permitted  to  land,  and  a 
great  land  speculation  ensued.  And  here  let  me  give  the 
true  story  of  the  original  purchase  of  the  site  of  this  re- 
nowned city,  about  which  so  much  has  been  said  and 
written.  Some  affirm  that  the  first  cost  was  but  sixty 
guilders.  The  learned  Dominie  Heck  welder  records  a 
tradition*  that  the  Dutch  discoverers  bargained  for  only 
so  much  land  as  the  hide  of  a bullock  would  cover;  but 
that  they  cut  the  hide  in  strips  no  thicker  than  a child's 
finger,  so  as  to  take  in  a large  portion  of  land  and  to  take 
in  the  Indians  into  the  bargain.  This,  however,  is  an  old 
fable  which  the  worthy  Dominie  may  have  borrowed  from 
antiquity.  The  true  version  is,  that  Oloffe  YanKortlandt 
bargained  for  just  so  much  land  as  a man  could  cover  with 
his  nether  garments.  The  terms  being  concluded,  he  pro- 
duced his  friend  Mynheer  Ten  Broeck  as  the  man  whose 
breeches  were  to  be  used  in  measurement.  The  simple 
savages,  whose  ideas  of  a man’s  nether  garments  had  never 
expanded  beyond  the  dimensions  of  a breech-clout,  stared 
with  astonishment  and  dismay  as  they  beheld  this  bulbous- 
bottomed  burgher  peeled  like  an  onion,  and  breeches  after 
breeches  spread  forth  over  the  land  until  they  covered  the 
actual  site  of  this  venerable  city. 

This  is  the  true  history  of  the  adroit  bargain  by  which 


of  the  Rev,  Joim  Ileck  welder,  New  York  Historical  Society. 


74 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


the  island  of  Manhattan  was  bought  for  sixty  guilders; 
and  in  corroboration  of  it  I will  add  that  Mynheer  Ten 
Breeches,  for  his  services  on  this  memorable  occasion,  was 
elevated  to  the  office  of  land  measurer,  which  he  ever  after- 
ward exercised  in  the  colony. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  TORN 


75 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

OF  THE  FOUNDING  AND  NAMING  OF  THE  NEW  CITY,  OF 

THE  CITY  ARMS,  AND  OF  THE  DIREFUL  FEUD  BETWEEN 

TEN  BREECHES  AND  TOUGH  BREECHES. 

The  land  being  thus  fairly  purchased  of  the  Indians,  a 
circumstance  very  unusual  in  the  history  of  colonization, 
and  strongly  illustrative  of  the  honesty  of  our  Dutch  pro- 
genitors, a stockade  fort  and  trading-house  were  forthwith 
erected  on  an  eminence  in  front  of  the  place  where  the 
good  St.  Nicholas  had  appeared  in  a vision  to  Oloffe  the 
Dreamer,  and  which,  as  has  already  been  observed,  was 
the  identical  place  at  present  known  as  the  Bowling 
Green. 

Around  this  fort  a progeny  of  little  Dutch-built  houses, 
with  tiled  roofs  and  weathercocks,  soon  sprang  up,  nestling 
themselves  under  its  walls  for  protection,  as  a brood  of 
half-fledged  chickens  nestle  under  the  wings  of  the  mother 
hen.  The  whole  was  surrounded  by  an  inclosure  of  strong 
palisadoes  to  guard  against  any  sudden  irruption  of  the 
savages.  Outside  of  these  extended  the  corn-fields  and 
cabbage-gardens  of  the  community,  with  here  and  there  an 
attempt  at  a tobacco-plantation;  all  covering  those  tracts 
of  country  at  present  called  Broadway,  Wall  street,  Will- 
iam street  and  Pearl  street. 

I must  not  omit  to  mention  that  in  portioning  out  the 
land  a goodly  “ bowerie ” or  farm  was  allotted  to  the  sage 
Oloffe  in  consideration  of  the  service  he  had  rendered  to 
the  public  by  his  talent  at  dreaming;  and  the  site  of  his 
“bowerie”  is  known  by  the  name  of  Kortlandt  (or 
Courtlandt)  street  to  the  present  day. 

And  now,  the  infant  settlement  having  advanced  in  age 
and  stature,  it  was  thought  high  time  it  should  receive  an 
honest  Christian  name.  Hitherto  it  had  gone  by  the  origi- 
nal Indian  name  Manna-hata,  or,  as  some  will  have  it. 


76 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


“The  Manhattoes;  ” but  this  was  now  decried  as  savage 
and  heathenish,  and  as  tending  to  keep  up  the  memory  of 
the  pagan  brood  that  originally  possessed  it.  Many  were 
the  consultations  held  upon  the  subject  without  coming  to 
a conclusion,  for,  though  everybody  condemned  the  old 
name,  nobody  could  invent  a new  one.  At  length,  when 
the  council  was  almost  in  despair,  a burgher,  remarkable 
for  the  size  and  squareness  of  his  head,  proposed  that  they 
should  call  it  New  Amsterdam.  The  proposition  took  every- 
body by  surprise;  it  was  so  striking,  so  apposite,  so  in- 
genious. The  name  was  adopted  by  acclamation,  and  New 
Amsterdam  the  metropolis  was  thenceforth  called.  Still, 
however,  the  early  authors  of  the  province  continued  to 
call  it  by  the  general  appellation  of  “ The  Manhattoes,” 
and  the  poets  fondly  clung  to  the  euphonious  name  of 
Manna-hata;  but  those  are  a kind  of  folk  whose  tastes  and 
notions  should  go  for  nothing  in  matters  of  this  kind. 

Having  thus  provided  the  embryo  city  with  a name,  the 
next  was  to  give  it  an  armorial  bearing  or  device.  As  some 
cities  have  a rampant  lion,  others  a soaring  eagle,  emblem- 
atical, no  doubt,  of  the  valiant  and  high-flying  qualities  of 
the  inhabitants,  so  after  mature  deliberation  a sleek  beaver 
was  emblazoned  on  the  city  standard  as  indicative  of  the 
amphibious  origin  and  patient,  persevering  habits  of  the 
New  Amsterdammers. 

The  thriving  state  of  the  settlement  and  the  rapid  in- 
crease of  houses  soon  made  it  necessary  to  arrange  some 
plan  upon  which  the  city  should  be  built;  but  at  the  very 
first  consultation  held  on  the  subject  a violent  discussion 
arose;  and  I mention  it  with  much  sorrowing  as  being  the 
first  altercation  on  record  in  the  councils  of  New  Amsterdam. 
It  was,  in  fact,  a breaking  forth  of  the  grudge  and  heart- 
burning that  had  existed  between  those  two  eminent  burgh- 
ers, Mynheers  Ten  Broeck  and  Hardenbroeck,  ever  since 
their  unhappy  dispute  on  the  coast  of  Bellevue.  The  great 
Hardenbroeck  had  waxed  very  wealthy  and  powerful,  from 
his  domains,  which  embraced  the  whole  chain  of  Apulean 
mountains  that  stretched  along  the  gulf  of  Kip’s  Bay,  and 
from  part  of  which  his  descendants  have  been  expelled  in 
latter  ages  by  the  powerful  clans  of  the  Joneses  and  the 
Scliermerhorns. 

An  ingenious  plan  for  the  city  was  offered  by  Mynheer 
Hardenbroeck,  who  proposed  that  it  should  be  cut  up 


HISTORY  OF  HEW  YORK. 


and  intersected  by  canals,  after  the  manner  of  the  most 
admired  cities  in  Holland.  To  this  Mynheer  Ten  Broeck  was 
diametrically  opposed,  suggesting  in  place  thereof  that  they 
should  run  out  docks  and  wharves,  by  means  of  piles  driven 
into  the  bottom  of  the  river,  on  which  the  town  should  be 
built.  “ By  these  means,”  said  he,  triumphantly,  “ shall 
we  rescue  a considerable  space  of  territory  from  these  im- 
mense rivers,  and  build  a city  that  shall  rival  Amsterdam, 
Venice,  or  any  amphibious  city  in  Europe.”  To  this  propo- 
sition Hardenbroeck  (or  Tough  Breeches)  replied  with  a 
look  of  as  much  scorn  as  he  could  possibly  assume.  He 
cast  the  utmost  censure  upon  the  plan  of  his  antagonist,  as 
being  preposterous  and  against  the  very  order  of  things,  as 
he  would  leave  to  every  true  Hollander.  “ For  what,”  said 
he,  “ is  a town  without  canals?  It  is  like  a body  without 
veins  and  arteries,  and  must  perish  for  want  of  a free  cir- 
culation of  the  vital  fluid.”  Ten  Breeches,  on  the  contrary, 
retorted  with  a sarcasm  upon  his  antagonist,  who  was  some- 
what of  an  arid,  dry-boned  habit:  he  remarked,  that  as  to 
the  circulation  of  the  blood  being  necessary  to  existence. 
Mynheer  Tough  Breeches  was  a living  contradiction  to  his 
own  assertion,  for  everybody  knew  there  had  not  a drop  of 
blood  circulated  through  his  wind-dried  carcase  for  good 
ten  years,  and  yet  there  was  not  a greater  busybody  in  the 
whole  colony.  Personalities  have  seldom  much  effect  in 
making  converts  in  argument,  nor  have  I ever  seen  a man 
convinced  of  error  by  being  convicted  of  deformity.  At 
least  such  was  not  the  case  at  present.  If  Ten  Breeches 
was  very  happy  in  sarcasm,  Tough  Breeches,  who  was  a 
sturdy  little  man  and  never  gave  up  the  last  word,  rejoined 
with  increasing  spirit.  Ten  Breeches  had  the  advantage 
of  the  greatest  volubility,  but  Tough  Breeches  had  that 
invaluable  coat  of  mail  in  argument  called  obstinacy.  Ten 
Breeches  had,  therefore,  the  most  mettle,  but  Tough 
Breeches  the  best  bottom;  so  that  though  Ten  Breeches 
made  a dreadful  clattering  about  his  ears,  and  battered  and 
belabored  him  with  hard  words  and  sound  arguments,  yet 
Tough  Breeches  hung  on  most  resolutely  to  the  last.  They 
parted,  therefore,  as  is  usual  in  all  arguments  where  both 
parties  are  in  the  right,  without  coming  to  any  conclusion, 
but  they  hated  each  other  most  heartily  for  ever  after, 
and  a similar  breach  with  that  between  the  houses  of  Cap- 
ulet  and  Montague  did  ensue  between  the  families  of  Ten 
Breeches  and  Tough  Breeches. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


78 

I would  not  fatigue  my  reader  with  these  dull  matters 
of  fact  but  that  my  duty  as  a faithful  historian  requires 
that  I should  be  particular;  and,  in  truth,  as  I am  now 
treating  of  the  critical  period  when  our  city,  like  a young 
twig,  first  received  the  twists  and  turns  which  have  since 
contributed  to  give  it  its  present  picturesque  irregularity, 
I cannot  be  too  minute  in  detailing  their  first  causes. 

After  the  unhappy  altercation  I have  just  mentioned  I 
do  not  find  that  anything  further  was  said  on  the  subject 
worthy  of  being  recorded.  The  council,  consisting  of  the 
largest  and  oldest  heads  in  the  community,  met  regularly 
once  a week  to  ponder  on  this  momentous  subject ; but 
either  they  were  deterred  by  the  war  of  words  they  had 
witnessed,  or  they  were  naturally  averse  to  the  exercise  of 
the  tongue,  and  the  consequent  exercise  of  the  brains:  cer- 
tain it  is  the  most  profound  silence  was  maintained  ; the 
question  as  usual  lay  on  the  table;  the  members  quietly 
smoked  their  pipes,  making  but  few  laws,  without  ever  en- 
forcing any,  and  in  the  mean  time  the  affairs  of  the  settle- 
ment went  on  as  it  pleased  God. 

As  most  of  the  council  were  but  little  skilled  in  the 
mystery  of  combining  pot-hooks  and  hangers,  they  de- 
termined most  judiciously  not  to  puzzle  either  themselves 
or  posterity  with  voluminous  records.  The  secretary,  how- 
ever, kept  the  minutes  of  the  council  with  tolerable  pre- 
cision in  a large  vellum  folio  fastened  with  massy  brass 
clasps;  the  journal  of  each  meeting  consisted  but  of  two 
lines,  stating  in  Dutch  that  “ the  council  sat  this  day,  and 
smoked  twelve  pipes  on  the  affairs  of  the  colony.”  By 
which  it  appears  that  the  first  settlers  did  not  regulate 
their  time  by  hours,  but  pipes,  in  the  same  manner  as  they 
measure  distances  in  Holland  at  this  very  time;  an  ad- 
mirably exact  measurement,  as  a pipe  in  the  mouth  of  a 
true-born  Dutchman  is  never  liable  to  those  accidents  and 
irregularities  that  are  continually  putting  our  clocks  out 
of  order. 

In  this  manner  did  the  profound  council  of  New 
Amsterdam  smoke  and  doze  and  ponder  from  week  to 
week,  month  to  month,  and  year  to  year,  in  what  man- 
ner they  should  construct  their  infant  settlement.  Mean- 
while, the  town  took  care  of  itself,  and,  like  a sturdy 
brat  which  is  suffered  to  run  about  wild,  unshackled  by 
clouts  and  bandages,  and  other  abominations  by  which 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


79 


your  notable  nurses  and  sage  old  women  cripple  and  dis- 
figure the  children  of  men,  increased  so  rapidly  in  strength 
and  magnitude  that  before  the  honest  burgomasters  had 
determined  upon  a plan  it  was  too  late  to  put  it  in  exe- 
cution ; whereupon  they  wisely  abandoned  the  subject 
altogether. 


80 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


CHAPTER  IX. 

HOW  THE  CITY  OF  NEW  AMSTERDAM  WAXED  GREAT 
UNDER  THE  PROTECTION  OF  ST.  NICHOLAS  AND  THE 
ABSENCE  OF  LAWS  AND  STATUTES — HOW  OLOFFE  THE 
DREAMER  BEGAN  TO  DREAM  OF  AN  EXTENSION  OF 
EMPIRE,  AND  OF  THE  EFFECT  OF  HIS  DREAMS. 

There  is  something  exceedingly  delusive  in  thus  look- 
ing back,  through  the  long  vista  of  departed  years,  and 
catching  a glimpse  of  the  fairy  realms  of  antiquity.  Like 
a landscape  melting  into  distance,  they  receive  a thousand 
charms  from  their  very  obscurity,  and  the  fancy  delights 
to  fill  up  their  outlines  with  graces  and  excellences  of  its 
own  creation.  Thus  loom  on  my  imagination  those 
happier  days  of  our  city,  when  as  yet  New  Amsterdam  was 
a mere  pastoral  town,  shrouded  in  groves  of  sycamores  and 
willows,  and  surrounded  by  trackless  forests  and  wide- 
spreading  waters  that  seemed  to  shut  out  all  the  cares  and 
vanities  of  a wicked  world. 

In  those  days  did  this  embryo  city  present  the  rare  and 
noble  spectacle  of  a community  governed  without  laws; 
and  thus,  being  left  to  its  own  course  and  the  fostering 
care  of  Providence  increased  as  rapidly  as  though  it  had 
been  burdened  with  a dozen  panniers-full  of  those  sage 
laws  usually  heaped  cn  the  backs  of  young  cities  in  order 
to  make  them  grow.  And  in  this  particular  I greatly  ad- 
mire the  wisdom  and  sound  knowledge  of  human  nature 
displayed  by  the  sage  Oloffe  the  Dreamer  and  his  fellow- 
legislators.  For  my  part,  I have  not  so  bad  an  opinion  of 
mankind  as  many  of  my  brother  philosophers.  I do  not 
think  poor  human  nature  so  sorry  a piece  of  workmanship 
as  they  would  make  it  out  to  be;  and,  as  far  as  I have  ob- 
served, I am  fully  satisfied  that  man,  if  left  to  himself, 
would  about  as  readily  go  right  as  wrong.  It  is  only  this 
eternally  sounding  in  his  ears  that  it  is  his  duty  to  go 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK , 


81 


right  which  makes  him  go  the  very  reverse.  The  noble 
independence  of  his  nature  revolts  at  this  intolerable  ty- 
ranny of  law  and  the  perpetual  interference  of  officious 
morality,  which  are  ever  besetting  his  path  with  finger- 
posts and  directions  “ to  keep  to  the  right,  as  the  law  di- 
rects;” and,  like  a spirited  urchin,  he  turns  directly  con- 
trary and  gallops  through  mud  and  mire,  over  hedges  and 
ditches,  merely  to  show  that  he  is  a lad  of  spirit  and  out  of 
his  leading  strings.  And  these  opinions  are  amply  sub- 
stantiated by  what  I have  above  said  of  our  worthy  ances- 
tors, who,  never  being  be-preached  and  be-leetured  and 
guided  and  governed  by  statutes  and  laws  and  by-laws,  as 
are  their  more  enlightened  descendants,  did  one  and  all 
demean  themselves  honestly  and  peaceably  out  of  pure 
ignorance,  or,  in  other  words,  because  they  knew  no  bet- 
ter. 

Nor  must  I omit  to  record  one  of  the  earliest  measures 
of  this  infant  settlement,  inasmuch  as  it  shows  the  piety  of 
our  forefathers,  and  that,  like  good  Christians,  they  were 
always  ready  to  serve  God  after  they  had  first  served 
themselves.  Thus,  having  quietly  settled  themselves  down 
and  provided  for  their  own  comfort,  they  bethought  them- 
selves of  testifying  their  gratitude  to  the  great  and  good 
St.  Nicholas  for  his  protecting  care  in  guiding  them  to  this 
delectable  abode.  To  this  end  they  built  a fair  and  goodly 
chapel  within  the  fort,  which  they  consecrated  to  his 
name;  whereupon  he  immediately  took  the  town  of  New 
Amsterdam  under  his  peculiar  patronage,  and  he  has  ever 
since  been,  and  I devoutly  hope  will  ever  be,  the  tutelar 
saint  of  this  excellent  city. 

At  this  early  period  was  instituted  that  pious  ceremony, 
still  religiously  observed  in  all  our  ancient  families  of  the 
right  breed,  of  hanging  up  a stocking  in  the  chimney  on 
St.  Nicholas*  Eve;  which  stocking  is  always  found  in  the 
morning  miraculously  filled,  for  the  good  St.  Nicholas  has 
ever  been  a great  giver  of  gifts,  particularly  to  children. 

I am  moreover  told  that  there  is  a little  legendary  book 
somewere  extant,  written  in  Low  Dutch,  which  says  that 
the  image  of  this  renowned  saint,  which  whilom  graced 
the  bowsprit  of  the  Goede  Vrcuw,  was  elevated  in  front  of 
this  chapel,  in  the  center  of  what,  in  modern  days,  is 
called  the  Bowling  Green — on  the  very  spot,  in  fact,  where 
he  appeared  in  vision  to  Oloffe  the  Dreamer.  And  the 


82 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


legend  further  treats  of  divers  miracles  wrought  by  the 
mighty  pipe  which  the  saint  held  in  his  mouth,  a whiff  of 
which  was  a sovereign  cure  for  an  indigestion — an  invalua- 
ble relic  in  this  colony  of  brave  trenchermen.  As,  however, 
in  spite  of  the  most  diligent  search,  I cannot  lay  my  hands 
upon  this  little  book,  I must  confess  that  I entertain  con- 
siderable doubt  on  the  subject. 

Thus  benignly  fostered  by  the  good  St.  Nicholas,  the  in- 
fant city  thrived  apace.  Hordes  of  painted  savages,  it  is 
true,  still  lurked  about  the  unsettled  parts  of  the  island. 
The  hunter  still  pitched  his  bower  of  skins  and  bark  beside 
the  rills  that  ran  through  the  cool  and  shady  glens,  while 
here  and  there  might  be  seen  on  some  sunny  knoll  a group 
of  Indian  wigwams,  whose  smoke  arose  above  the  neighbor- 
ing trees  and  floated  in  the  transparent  atmosphere.  A 
mutual  good-will,  however,  existed  between  these  wander- 
ing beings  and  the  burghers  of  New  Amsterdam.  Our 
benevolent  forefathers  endeavored  as  much  as  possible  to 
ameliorate  their  situation  by  giving  them  gin,  rum  and 
glass  beads  in  exchange  for  their  peltries  ; for  it  seems  the 
kind-hearted  Dutchmen  had  conceived  a great  friendship 
for  their  savage  neighbors,  on  account  of  their  being  pleas- 
ant men  to  trade  with  and  little  skilled  in  the  art  of  mak- 
ing a bargain. 

Now  and  then  a crew  of  these  half-human  sons  of  the 
forest  would  make  their  appearance  in  the  streets  of  New 
Amsterdam,  fantastically  painted  and  decorated  with  beads 
and  flaunting  feathers,  sauntering  about  with  an  air  of  list- 
less indifference — sometimes  in  the  market-place,  instruct- 
ing the  little  Dutch  boys  in  the  use  of  the  bow  and  arrow; 
at  other  times,  inflamed  with  liquor,  swaggering  and  whoop- 
ing and  yelling  about  the  town  like  so  many  fiends,  to  the 
great  dismay  of  all  the  good  wives,  who  would  hurry  their 
children  into  the  house,  fasten  the  doors,  and  throw  water 
upon  the  enemy  from  the  garret  windows.  It  is  worthy  of 
mention  here  that  our  forefathers  were  very  particular  in 
holding  up  these  wild  men  as  excellent  domestic  examples; 
and  for  reasons  that  may  be  gathered  from  the  history  of 
Master  Ogilby,  who  tells  us  that  “for  the  least  offense  the 
bridegroom  soundly  beats  his  wife  and  turns  her  out  of 
doors,  and  marries  another,  insomuch  that  some  of  them 
have  every  year  a new  wife.”  Whether  this  awful  example 
had  any  influence  or  not,  history  does  not  mention,  but  it 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK.  83 

is  certain  that  our  grandmothers  were  miracles  of  fidelity 
and  obedience. 

True  it  is,  that  the  good  understanding  between  our 
ancestors  and  their  savage  neighbors  was  liable  to  occa- 
sional interruptions,  and  I have  heard  my  grandmother, 
who  was  a very  wise  old  woman  and  well  versed  in  the  his- 
tory of  these  parts,  tell  a long  story  of  a winter’s  evening 
about  a battle  between  the  New  Amsterdammers  and  the 
Indians,  which  was  known  by  the  name  of  the  Peach  War , 
and  which  took  place  near  a peach  orchard  in  a dark  glen 
which  for  a long  while  went  by  the  name  of  Murderer’s 
Valley. 

The  legend  of  this  sylvan  war  was  long  current  among 
the  nurses,  old  wives,  and  other  ancient  chroniclers  of  the 
place;  but  time  and  improvement  have  almost  obliterated 
both  the  tradition  and  the  scene  of  battle  ; for  what  was 
once  the  blood-stained  valley  is  now  in  the  center  of  this 
populous  city,  and  known  by  the  name  of  Dey  street. 

I know  not  whether  it  was  to  this  “ Peach  War,”  and 
the  acquisitions  of  Indian  land  which  may  have  grown 
out  of  it,  that  we  may  ascribe  the  first  seeds  of  the  spirit 
of  “ annexation”  which  now  began  to  manifest  themselves. 
Hitherto  the  ambition  of  the  worthy  burghers  had  been  con- 
fined to  the  lovely  island  of  Manna-hata,  and  Spiten  Devil 
on  the  Hudson  and  Hell-gate  on  the  Sound  were  to  them 
the  Pillars  of  Hercules,  the  ne plus  ultra  of  human  enter- 
prise. Shortly  after  the  Peach  War,  however,  a restless  spirit 
was  observed  among  the  New  Amsterdammers,  who  began 
to  cast  wistful  looks  upon  the  wild  lands  of  their  Indian 
neighbors;  for  somehow  or  other  wild  Indian  land  always 
looks  greener  in  the  eyes  of  settlers  than  the  land  they 
occupy.  It  is  hinted  that  Oloffe  the  Dreamer  encouraged 
these  notions,  having,  as  has  been  shown,  the  inherent 
spirit  of  a land  speculator,  which  had  been  wonderfully 
quickened  and  expanded  since  he  had  become  a land- 
holder. Many  of  the  common  people,  who  had  never 
before  owned  a foot  of  land,  now  began  to  be  discontented 
with  the  town-lots  which  had  fallen  to  their  shares;  others 
who  had  snug  farms  and  tobacco-plantations  found  they 
had  not  sufficient  elbow-room,  and  began  to  question  the 
rights  of  the  Indians  to  the  vast  regions  they  pretended 
to  hold;  while  the  good  Oloffe  indulged  in  magnificent 
dreams  of  foreign  conquest  and  great  patroonships  in  the 
wilderness. 


84 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


The  result  of  these  dreams  were  certain  exploring  expe- 
ditions sent  forth  in  various  directions  to  “sow  the  seeds 
of  empire,”  as  it  was  said.  The  earliest  of  these  were  con- 
ducted by  Hans  Reinier  Oothout,  an  old  navigator  famous 
for  the  sharpness  of  his  vision,  who  could  see  land  when  it 
was  quite  out  of  sight  to  ordinary  mortals,  and  who  had  a 
spy-glass  covered  with  a bit  of  tarpaulin,  with  which  he 
could  spy  up  the  crookedest  river  quite  to  its  head-waters. 
He  was  accompanied  by  Mynheer  Ten  Breeches  as  land 
measurer  in  case  of  any  dispute  with  the  Indians. 

What  was  the  consequence  of  these  exploring  expedi- 
tions? In  a little  while  we  find  a frontier  post  or  trading- 
house  called  Fort  Nassau  established  far  to  the  south  on 
Delaware  Biver;  another  called  Fort  Goed  Hoep  (or  Good 
Hope)  on  the  Varsche,  or  Fresh,  or  Connecticut  River; 
and  another  called  Fort  Aurania  (now  Albany)  away  up 
the  Hudson  River;  while  the  boundaries  of  the  province 
kept  extending  on  every  side,  nobody  knew  whither,  far 
into  the  regions  of  Terra  Incognita. 

Of  the  boundary  feuds  and  troubles  which  the  ambitious 
little  province  brought  upon  itself  by  these  indefinite  ex- 
pansions of  its  territory  we  shall  treat  at  large  in  the  after 
pages  of  this  eventful  history;  sufficient  for  the  present  is 
it  to  say  that  the  swelling  importance  of  the  New  Nether- 
lands awakened  the  attention  of  the  mother-country,  who, 
finding  it  likely  to  yield  much  revenue  and  no  trouble,  be- 
gan to  take  that  interest  in  its  welfare  which  knowing  peo- 
ple evince  for  rich  relations. 

But  as  this  opens  a new  era  in  the  fortunes  of  New 
Amsterdam,  I will  here  put  an  end  to  this  second  book  of 
my  history,  and  will  treat  of  the  maternal  policy  of  the 
mother-country  in  my  next. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


85 


BOOK  III. 

IN  WHICH  IS  RECORDED  THE  GOLDEN  REIGN  OF  WOUTER 
VAN  TWILLER. 


CHAPTER  I. 

OF  THE  RENOWNED  WOUTER  VAN  TWILLER,  HIS  UNPAR- 
ALLELED VIRTUES — AS  LIKEWISE  HIS  UNUTTERABLE 
WISDOM  IN  THE  LAW  CASE  OF  WANDLE  SCHOONHOVEN 
AND  PARENT  BLEECKER,  AND  THE  GREAT  ADMIRATION 
OF  THE  PUBLIC  THEREAT. 

Grievous  and  very  much  to  be  commiserated  is  the 
task  of  the  feeling  historian  who  writes  the  history  of  his 
native  land.  If  it  fall  to  his  lot  to  be  the  recorder  of 
calamity  or  crime,  the  mournful  page  is  watered  with  his 
tears,  nor  can  he  recall  the  most  prosperous  and  blissful 
era  without  a melancholy  sigh  at  the  reflection  that  it  has 
passed  away  for  ever;  I know  not  whether  it  be  owing  to 
an  immoderate  love  for  the  simplicity  of  former  times,  or 
to  that  certain  tenderness  of  heart  incident  to  all  senti- 
mental historians,  but  I candidly  confess  that  I cannot 
look  back  on  the  happier  days  of  our  city,  which  I now 
describe,  without  great  dejection  of  spirits.  With  faltering 
hand  do  I withdraw  the  curtain  of  oblivion  that  veils  the 
modest  merit  of  our  venerable  ancestors,  and,  as  their 
figures  rise  to  my  mental  vision,  humble  myself  before 
their  mighty  shades. 

Such  are  my  feelings  when  I revisit  the  family  mansion 
of  the  Knickerbockers  and  spend  a lonely  hour  in  the 
chamber  where  hang  the  portraits  of  my  forefathers, 
shrouded  in  dust,  like  the  forms  they  represent.  With 
pious  reverence  do  I gaze  on  the  countenances  of  those  re- 


86 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


nowned  burghers,  who  have  preceded  me  in  the  steady 
march  of  existence,  whose  sober  and  temperate  blood  now 
meanders  through  my  veins,  flowing  slower  and  slower  in 
its  feeble  conduits  until  its  current  shall  soon  be  stopped 
for  ever ! 

These,  I say  to  myself,  are  but  frail  memorials  of  the 
mighty  men  who  flourished  in  the  days  of  the  patriarchs, 
but  who,  alas!  have  long  since  moldered  in  that  tomb 
toward  which  my  steps  are  insensibly  and  irresistibly  has- 
tening ! As  I pace  the  darkened  chamber  and  lose  myself 
in  melancholy  musings  the  shadowy  images  around  me 
almost  seem  to  steal  once  more  into  existence — their  coun- 
tenances to  assume  the  animation  of  life— their  eyes  to  pursue 
me  in  every  movement!  Carried  away  by  the  delusions  of 
fancy,  I almost  imagine  myself  surrounded  by  the  shades 
of  the  departed  and  holding  sweet  converse  with  the  wor- 
thies of  antiquity!  Oh,  hapless  Diedrich!  born  in  a degen- 
erate age,  abandoned  to  the  buffetings  of  fortune,  a stran- 
ger and  a weary  pilgrim  in  thy  native  land,  blest  with  no 
weeping  wife  nor  family  of  helpless  children,  but  doomed 
to  wander  neglected  through  those  crowded  streets,  and 
elbowed  by  foreign  upstarts  from  those  fair  abodes  where 
once  thine  ancestors  held  sovereign  empire  ! 

Let  me  not,  however,  lose  the  historian  in  the  man,  nor 
suffer  the  doting  recollections  of  age  to  overcome  me  while 
dwelling  with  fond  garrulity  on  the  virtuous  days  of  the 
patriarchs,  on  those  sweet  days  of  simplicity  and  ease 
which  nevermore  will  dawn  on  the  lovely  island  of  Manna- 
hata. 

These  melancholy  reflections  have  been  forced  from  me 
by  the  growing  wealth  and  importance  of  New  Amster- 
dam, which,  I plainly  perceive,  are  to  involve  it  in  all  kinds 
of  perils  and  disasters.  Already,  as  I observed  at  the  close 
of  my  last  book,  they  had  awakened  the  attention  of  the 
mother-country.  The  usual  mark  of  protection  shown  by 
mother-countries  to  wealthy  colonies  was  forthwith  mani- 
fested, a governor  being  sent  out  to  rule  over  the  province 
and  squeeze  out  of  it  as  much  revenue  as  possible.  The 
arrival  of  a governor  of  course  put  an  end  to  the  protec- 
torate of  Oloffe  the  Dreamer.  He  appears,  however,  to 
have  dreamt  to  some  purpose  during  his  sway,  as  we  find 
him  afterward  living  as  a patroon  on  a great  landed  estate 
on  the  banks  of  the  Hudson,  having  virtually  forfeited 


HIS  TOR  Y OF  NEW  YORK . 87 

all  right  to  his  ancient  appellation  of  Kortlandt  or  Lack- 
land. 

It  was  in  the  year  of  our  Lord  1629  that  Mynheer 
Wouter  Van  Twiller  was  appointed  governor  of  the  prov- 
ince of  Nieuw  Nederlandts,  under  the  commission  and 
control  of  their  High  Mightinesses  the  Lords  States  Gen- 
eral of  the  United  Netherlands  and  the  privileged  West 
India  Company. 

This  renowned  old  gentleman  arrived  at  New  Amster- 
dam in  the  merry  month  of  June,  the  sweetest  month  in  all 
the  year,  when  Dan  Apollo  seems  to  dance  up  the  transparent 
firmament,  when  the  robin,  the  thrush,  and  a thousand  other 
wanton  songsters  make  the  woods  to  resound  with  amorous 
ditties,  and  the  luxurious  little  boblincon  revels  among  the 
clover-blossoms  of  the  meadows — all  which  happy  coinci- 
dence persuaded  the  old  dames  of  New  Amsterdam,  who 
were  skilled  in  the  art  of  foretelling  events,  that  this  was 
to  be  a happy  and  prosperous  administration. 

The  renowned  Wouter  (or  Walter)  Van  Twiller  was  de- 
scended from  a long  line  of  Dutch  burgomasters,  who  had 
successively  dozed  away  their  lives  and  grown  fat  upon  the 
bench  of  magistracy  in  Rotterdam,  and  who  had  comported 
themselves  with  such  singular  wisdom  and  propriety  that 
they  were  never  either  heard  or  talked  of;  which,  next  to 
being  universally  applauded,  should  be  the  object  of  ambi- 
tion of  all  magistrates  and  rulers.  There  are  two  opposite 
ways  by  which  some  men  make  a figure  in  the  world — one 
by  talking  faster  than  they  think,  and  the  other  by  holding 
their  tongues  and  not  thinking  at  all.  By  the  first  many  a 
smatterer  acquires  the  reputation  of  a man  of  quick  parts; 
by  the  other  many  adunderpate,  like  the  owl,  the  stupidest 
of  birds,  comes  to  be  considered  the  very  type  of  wisdom. 
This,  by  the  way,  is  a casual  remark,  which  I would  not  for 
the  universe  have  it  thought  I apply  to  Governor  Van 
Twiller.  It  is  true  he  was  a man  shut  up  within  himself, 
like  an  oyster,  and  rarely  spoke  except  in  monosyllables; 
but  then  it  was  allowed  he  seldom  said  a foolish  thing.  So 
invincible  was  his  gravity  that  he  was  never  known  to  laugh 
or  even  to  smile  through  the  whole  course  of  a long  and 
prosperous  life.  Nay,  if  a joke  were  uttered  in  his  presence 
that  set  light-minded  hearers  in  a roar,  it  was  observed  to 
throw  him  into  a state  of  perplexity.  Sometimes  he  would 
deign  to  inquire  into  the  matter,  and  when,  after  much  ex- 


88 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


planation,  the  joke  was  made  -as  plain  as  a pike-staff,  he 
would  continue  to  smoke  his  pipe  in  silence,  and  at  length, 
knocking  out  the  ashes,  would  exclaim,  “ AVell!  I see  noth- 
ing in  all  that  to  laugh  about.” 

With  all  his  reflective  habits  he  never  made  up  his  mind 
on  a subject.  His  adherents  accounted  for  this  by  the  as- 
tonishing magnitude  of  his  ideas.  He  conceived  every 
subject  on  so  grand  a scale  that  he  had  not  room  in  his 
head  to  turn  it  over  and  examine  both  sides  of  it.  Certain 
it  is  that  if  any  matter  were  propounded  to  him  on  which 
ordinary  mortals  would  rashly  determine  at  first  glance,  he 
would  put  on  a vague,  mysterious  look,  shake  his  capacious 
head,  smoke  some  time  in  profound  silence,  and  at  length 
observe  that  he  “ had  his  doubts  about  the  matter;”  which 
gained  him  the  reputation  of  a man  slow  of  belief  and  not 
easily  imposed  upon.  What  is  more,  it  gained  him  a last- 
ing name,  for  to  this  habit  of  the  mind  has  been  attributed 
his  surname  of  Twiller,  which  is  said  to  be  a corruption  of 
the  original  Twijfler,  or,  in  plain  English,  Doubter . 

The  person  of  this  illustrious  old  gentleman  was  formed 
and  proportioned,  as  though  it  had  been  molded  by  the 
hands  of  some  cunning  Dutch  statuary,  as  a model  of 
majesty  and  lordly  grandeur.  He  was  exactly  five  feet  six 
inches  in  height  and  six  feet  five  inches  in  circumference. 
His  head  was  a perfect  sphere,  and  of  such  stupendous 
dimensions  that  Dame  Nature  with  all  her  sex’s  ingenuity 
would  have  been  puzzled  to  construct  a neck  capable  of 
supporting  it;  wherefore  she  wisely  declined  the  attempt, 
and  settled  it  firmly  on  the  top  of  his  backbone  just  be- 
tween the  shoulders.  His  body  was  oblong  and  partic- 
ularly capacious  at  bottom;  which  was  wisely  ordered  by 
Providence,  seeing  that  he  was  a man  of  sedentary  habits 
and  very  averse  to  the  idle  labor  of  walking.  His  legs  were 
short,  but  sturdy  in  proportion  to  the  weight  they  had  to 
sustain,  so  that  when  erect  he  had  not  a little  the  appear- 
ance of  a beer-barrel  on  skids.  His  face,  that  infallible 
index  of  the  mind,  presented  a vast  expanse,  unforrowed 
by  any  of  those  lines  and  angles  which  disfigure  the  human 
countenance  with  what  is  termed  expression.  Two  small 
gray  eyes  twinkled  feebly  in  the  midst,  like  two  stars  of 
lesser  magnitude  in  a hazy  firmament,  and  his  full-fed 
cheeks,  which  seemed  to  have  taken  toll  of  everything  that 
went  into  his  mouth,  were  curiously  mottled  and  streaked 
with  dusky  red,  like  a spitzenberg  apple. 


HIS  7 OR  Y OF  NEW  YORK. 


89 


His  habits  were  as  regular  as  his  person.  He  daily  took 
his  four  stated  meals,  appropriating  exactly  an  hour  to 
each,  he  smoked  and  doubted  eight  hours,  and  he  slept  the 
remaining  twelve  of  the  four  and  twenty.  Such  was  the 
renowned  Wouter  Van  Twiller — a true  philosopher,  for  his 
mind  was  either  elevated  above  or  tranquilly  settled  below 
the  cares  and  perplexities  of  this  world.  He  had  lived  in 
it  for  years  without  feeling  the  least  curiosity  to  know 
whether  the  sun  revolved  round  it  or  it  round  the  sun;  and 
he  had  watched  for  at  least  half  a century  the  smoke  curl- 
ing from  his  pipe  to  the  ceiling,  without  once  troubling  his 
head  with  any  of  those  numerous  theories  by  which  a phil- 
osopher would  have  perplexed  his  brain  in  accounting  for 
its  rising  above  the  surrounding  atmosphere. 

In  his  council  he  presided  with  great  state  and  solemnity. 
He  sat  in  a huge  chair  of  solid  oak,  hewn  in  the  celebrated 
forest  of  The  Hague,  fabricated  by  an  experienced  timmer- 
man  of  Amsterdam,  and  curiously  carved  about  the  arms 
and  feet  into  exact  imitations  of  gigantic  eagle’s  claws. 
Instead  of  a scepter  he  swayed  a long  Turkish  pipe,  wrought 
with  jasmine  and  amber,  which  had  been  presented  to  a 
stadtholder  of  Holland  at  the  conclusion  of  a treaty  with 
one  of  the  petty  Barbary  powers.  In  this  stately  chair 
would  he  sit  and  this  magnificent  pipe  would  he  smoke, 
shaking  his  right  knee  with  a constant  motion,  and  fixing 
his  eye  for  hours  together  upon  a little  print  of  Amsterdam 
which  hung  in  a black  frame  against  the  opposite  wall  of 
the  council-chamber.  Nay,  it  has  even  been  said  that 
when  any  deliberation  of  extraordinary  length  and  in- 
tricacy was  on  the  carpet  the  renowned  Wouter  would 
shut  his  eyes  for  full  two  hours  at  a time,  that  he  might 
not  be  disturbed  by  external  objects;  and  at  such  times  the 
internal  commotion  of  his  mind  was  evinced  by  certain 
regular  gutteral  sounds,  which  his  admirers  declared  were 
merely  the  noise  of  conflict  made  by  his  contending  doubts 
and  opinions. 

It  is  with  infinite  difficulty  I have  been  enabled  to  col- 
lect these  biographical  anecdotes  of  the  great  man  under 
consideration.  The  facts  respecting  him  were  so  scattered 
and  vague,  and  divers  of  them  so  questionable  in  point  of 
authenticity,  that  I have  had  to  give  up  the  search  after 
many,  and  decline  the  admission  of  still  more  which  would 
have  tended  to  heighten  the  coloring  of  his  portrait, 


90 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


I have  been  the  more  anxious  to  delineate  fully  the  per- 
son and  habits  of  Won  ter  Van  Twiller  from  the  consider- 
ation that  he  was  not  only  the  first,  but  also  the  best,  gov- 
ernor that  ever  presided  over  this  ancient  and  respectable 
province;  and  so  tranquil  and  benevolent  was  his  reign 
that  I do  not  find  throughout  the  whole  of  it  a single  in- 
stance of  any  offender  being  brought  to  punishment — a 
most  indubitable  sign  of  a merciful  governor,  and  a case 
unparalleled,  excepting  in  a reign  of  the  illustrious  King 
Log,  from  whom,  it  is  hinted,  the  renowned  Van  Twiller 
was  a lineal  descendant. 

The  very  outset  of  the  career  of  this  excellent  magis- 
trate was  distinguished  by  an  example  of  legal  acumen 
that  gave  flattering  presage  of  a wise  and  equitable  ad- 
ministration. The  morning  after  he  had  been  installed  in 
office,  and  at  the  moment  that  he  was  making  his  breakfast 
from  a prodigious  earthen  dish  filled  with  milk  and  Indian 
pudding,  he  was  interrupted  by  the  appearance  of  Wandle 
Schoonhoven,  a very  important  old  burgher  of  New  Am- 
sterdam, who  complained  bitterly  of  one  Barent  Bleecker, 
inasmuch  as  he  refused  to  come  to  a settlement  of  accounts, 
seeing  that  there  was  a heavy  balance  in  favor  of  the  said 
Wandle.  Governor  Van  Twiller,  as  I have  already  ob- 
served, was  a man  of  few  words;  he  was  likewise  a mortal 
enemy  to  multiplying  writings  or  being  disturbed  at  his 
breakfast.  Having  listened  attentively  to  the  statement 
of  Wandle  Schoonhoven,  giving  an  occasional  grunt  as  he 
shoveled  a spoonful  of  Indian  pudding  into  his  mouth, 
either  as  a sign  that  he  relished  the  dish  or  comprehended 
the  story,  he  called  unto  him  his  constable,  and,  pulling 
out  of  his  breeches  pocket  a huge  jack-knife,  dispatched 
it  after  the  defendant  as  a summons,  accompanied  by  his 
tobacco-box  as  a warrant. 

This  summary  process  was  as  effectual  in  those  simple 
days  as  was  the  seal  ring  of  the  great  Haroun  Alraschid 
among  the  true  believers.  The  two  parties  being  confronted 
before  him,  each  produced  a book  of  accounts  written  in  a 
language  and  character  that  would  have  puzzled  any  but 
a High  Dutch  commentator  or  a learned  decipherer  of 
Egyptian  obelisks.  The  sage  Wouter  took  them  one  after 
the  other,  and,  having  poised  them  in  his  hands  and  atten- 
tively counted  over  the  number  of  leaves,  fell  straightway 
into  a very  great  doubt,  and  smoked  for  half  an  hour  with- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


91 


out  saying  a word;  at  length,  laying  his  finger  beside  his 
nose  and  shutting  his  eyes  for  a moment  with  the  air  of 
a man  who  has  just  caught  a subtle  idea  by  the  tail,  he 
slowly  took  his  pipe  from  his  mouth,  puffed  forth  a column 
of  tobacco-smoke,  and  with  marvelous  gravity  and  solem- 
nity pronounced — that,  having  carefully  counted  over  the 
leaves  and  weighed  the  books,  it  was  found  that  one  was 
just  as  thick  and  as  heavy  as  the  other;  therefore  it  was 
the  final  opinion  of  the  court  that  the  accounts  were  equally 
balanced;  therefore  Wandle  should  give  Barent  a receipt, 
and  Barent  should  give  Wandle  a receipt;  and  the  consta- 
ble should  pay  the  costs. 

This  decision,  being  straightway  made  known,  diffused 
general  joy  throughout  New  Amsterdam,  for  the  people 
immediately  perceived  that  they  had  a very  wise  and 
equitable  magistrate  to  rule  over  them.  But  its  happiest 
effect  was  that  not  another  lawsuit  took  place  throughout 
the  whole  of  his  administration,  and  the  office  of  constable 
fell  into  such  decay  that  there  was  not  one  of  those  losel 
scouts  known  in  the  province  for  many  years.  I am  the 
more  particular  in  dwelling  on  this  transaction  not  only 
because  I deem  it  one  of  the  most  sage  and  righteous  judg- 
ments on  record,  and  well  worthy  the  attention  of  modern 
magistrates,  but  because  it  was  a miraculous  event  in  the 
history  of  the  renowned  Wouter,  being  the  only  time  he 
was  ever  known  to  come  to  a decision  in  the  whole  course 
of  his  life. 


92 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORE . 


CHAPER  II. 

CONTAINING  SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  GRAND  COUNCIL  OF 
NEW  AMSTERDAM,  AS  ALSO  DIVERS  ESPECIAL  GOOD 
PHILOSOPHICAL  REASONS  WHY  AN  ALDERMAN  SHOULD 
BE  FAT — WITH  OTHER  PARTICULARS  TOUCHING  THE 
STATE  OF  THE  PROVINCE. 

In  treating  of  the  early  governors  of  the  province,  I 
must  caution  my  readers  against  confounding  them,  in 
point  of  dignity  and  power,  with  those  worthy  gentlemen 
who  are  whimsically  denominated  governors  in  this  en- 
lightened republic — a set  of  unhappy  victims  of  popularity 
who  are  in  fact  the  most  dependent,  henpecked  beings  in 
the  community,  doomed  to  bear  the  secret  goadiugs  and 
corrections  of  their  own  party,  and  the  sneers  and  revilings 
of  the  whole  world  besid.es,  set  up,  like  geese  at  Christmas 
holidays,  to  be  pelted  and  shot  at  by  every  whipster  aud 
vagabond  in  the  land.  On  the  contrary,  the  Dutch  gov- 
ernors enjoyed  that  uncontrolled  authority  vested  in  all 
commanders  of  distant  colonies  or  territories.  They  were 
in  a manner  absolute  despots  in  their  little  domains,  lord- 
ing it,  if  so  disposed,  over  both  law  and  gospel,  and  ac- 
countable to  none  but  the  mother  country,  which,  it  is  well 
known,  is  astonishingly  deaf  to  all  complaints  against  its 
governors,  provided  they  discharge  the  main  duty  of  their 
station — squeezing  out  a good  revenue.  This  hint  will  be 
of  importance  to  prevent  my  readers  from  being  seized  with 
doubt  and  incredulity  whenever,  in  the  course  of  this  au- 
thentic history,  they  encounter  the  uncommon  circumstance 
of  a governor  acting  with  independence  and  in  opposition 
to  the  opinions  of  the  multitude. 

To  assist  the  doubtful  Wouter  in  the  arduous  business 
of  legislation  a board  of  magistrates  was  appointed,  which 
presided  immediately  over  the  police.  This  potent  body 
consisted  of  a sellout  or  bailiff,  with  powers  between  those 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


93 


of  the  present  mayor  and  sheriff;  five  burgermeesters,  who 
were  equivalent  to  aldermen;  and  five  schepens,  who  offic- 
iated as  scrubs,  subdevils,  or  bottle  holders  to  the  burger- 
meesters,  in  the  same  manner  as  do  assistant  aldermen  to 
their  principals  at  the  present  day,  it  being  their  duty  to 
fill  the  pipes  of  the  lordly  burgermeesters,  hunt  the  mar- 
kets for  delicacies  for  corporation  dinners,  and  to  discharge 
such  other  little  offices  of  kindness  as  were  occasionally 
required.  It  was,  moreover,  tacitly  understood,  though 
not  specifically  enjoined,  that  they  should  consider  them- 
selves as  butts  for  the  blunt  wits  of  the  burgermeesters, 
and  should  laugh  most  heartily  at  all  their  jokes  ; but 
this  last  was  a duty  as  rarely  called  in  action  in  those 
days  as  it  is  at  present,  and  was  shortly  remitted  in  con- 
sequence of  the  tragical  death  of  a fat  little  schepen, 
who  actually  died  of  suffocation  in  an  unsuccessful  effort 
to  force  a laugh  at  one  of  Burgermeester  Van  Zandt’s 
best  jokes. 

In  return  for  these  humble  services  they  were  permitted 
to  say  yes  and  no  at  the  council-board,  and  to  have  that 
enviable  privilege,  the  run  of  the  public  kitchen,  being 
graciously  permitted  to  eat,  and  drink,  and  smoke  at  all 
those  snug  junketings  and  public  gortnandizings  for  which 
the  ancient  magistrates  were  equally  famous  with  their 
modern  successors.  The  post  of  schepen,  therefore,  like 
that  of  assistant  alderman,  was  eagerly  coveted  by  all  your 
burghers  of  a certain  description  who  have  a huge  relish 
for  good  feeding  and  a humble  ambition  to  be  great  men  in 
a small  way,  who  thirst  after  a little  brief  authority  that 
shall  render  them  the  terror  of  the  almshouse  and  the 
bridewell,  that  shall  enable  them  to  lord  it  over  obse- 
quious poverty,  vagrant  vice,  outcast  prostitution,  and 
hunger-driven  dishonesty,  that  shall  give  to  their  beck  a 
hound-like  pack  of  catchpolls  and  bumbailiffs — tenfold 
greater  rogues  than  the  culprits  they  hunt  down!  My 
readers  will  excuse  this  sudden  warmth,  which  I confess 
is  unbecoming  of  a grave  historian,  but  I have  a mortal 
antipathy  to  catchpolls,  bumbailiffs,  and  little  great  men. 

The  ancient  magistrates  of  this  city  corresponded  with 
those  of  the  present  time  no  less  in  form,  magnitude,  and 
intellect  than  in  prerogative  and  privilege.  The  burgo- 
masters, like  our  aldermen,  were  generally  chosen  by 
weight;  and  not  only  the  weight  of  the  body,  but  likewise 


94 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


the  weight  of  the  head.  It  is  a maxim  practically  observed 
in  all  honest,  plain-thinking,  regular  cities  that  an  aider- 
man  should  be  fat;  and  the  wisdom  of  this  can  be  proved 
to  a certainty.  That  the  body  is  in  some  measure  an 
image  of  the  mind,  or  rather  that  the  mind  is  molded  to 
the  body  like  melted  lead  to  the  clay  in  which  it  is  cast, 
has  been  insisted  on  by  many  philosophers  who  have  made 
human  nature  their  peculiar  study;  for  as  a learned  gen- 
tleman of  our  own  city  observes,  “There  is  a constant  rela- 
tion between  the  moral  character  of  all  intelligent  creatures 
and  their  physical  constitution — between  their  habits  and 
the  structure  of  their  bodies.”  Thus  we  see  that  a lean, 
spare,  diminutive  body  is  generally  accompanied  by  a 
petulant,  restless,  meddling  mind — either  the  mind  wears 
down  the  body  by  its  continual  motion,  or  else  the  body, 
not  affording  the  mind  sufficient  house  room,  keeps  it  con- 
tinually in  a state  of  fretfulness,  tossing,  and  worrying 
about  from  the  uneasiness  of  its  situation.  Whereas  your 
round,  sleek,  fat,  unwieldy  periphery  is  ever  attended  by  a 
mind  like  itself,  tranquil,  torpid,  and  at  ease;  and  we  may 
always  observe  that  your  well-fed,  robustious  burghers  are 
in  general  very  tenacious  of  their  ease  and  comfort,  being 
great  enemies  to  noise,  discord,  and  disturbance:  and  surely 
none  are  more  likely  to  study  the  public  tranquility  than 
those  who  are  so  careful  of  their  own.  Who  ever  hears  of 
fat  men  heading  a riot  or  herding  together  in  turbulent 
mobs?  No,  no;  it  is  your  lean,  hungry  men  who  are  con- 
tinually worrying  society  and  setting  the  whole  community 
by  the  ears. 

The  divine  Plato,  whose  doctrines  are  not  sufficiently  at- 
tended to  by  philosophers  of  the  present  age,  allows  to  every 
man  three  souls — one  immortal  and  rational,  seated  in  the 
brain,  that  it  may  overlook  and  regulate  the  body;  a second 
consisting  of  the  surly  and  irascible  passions  which,  like 
belligerent  powers,  lie  encamped  around  the  heart;  a third 
mortal  and  sensual,  destitute  of  reason,  gross  and  brutal  in 
its  propensities,  and  enchained  in  the  belly,  that  it  may  not 
disturb  the  divine  soul  by  its  ravenous  bowlings.  Now, 
according  to  this  excellent  theory,  what  can  be  more  clear 
than  that  your  fat  alderman  is  most  likely  to  have  the  most 
regular  and  well-conditioned  mind?  His  head  is  like  a huge 
spherical  chamber  containing  a prodigious  mass  of  soft 
brains,  whereon  the  rational  soul  lies  softly  and  snugly 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


95 


couched  as  on  a feather  bed;  and  the  eyes,  which  are  the 
windows  of  the  bed-chamber,  are  usually  half  closed,  that 
its  slumberings  may  not  be  disturbed  by  external  objects. 
A mind  thus  comfortably  lodged  and  protected  from  dis- 
turbance is  manifestly  most  likely  to  perform  its  functions 
with  regularity  and  ease.  By  dint  of  good  feeling,  more- 
over, the  mortal  and  malignant  soul,  which  is  confined  in 
the  belly,  and  which  by  its  raging  and  roaring  puts  the 
irritable  soul  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  heart  in  an  in- 
tolerable passion,  and  thus  renders  men  crusty  and  quarrel- 
some when  hungry,  is  completely  pacified,  silenced,  and  put 
to  rest;  whereupon  a host  of  honest,  good-fellow  qualities 
and  kind-hearted  affections,  which  had  lain  perdue,  slyly 
peeping  out  of  the  loopholes  of  the  heart,  finding  this 
Cerberus  asleep,  do  pluck  up  their  spirits,  turn  out  one 
and  all  in  their  holiday  suits,  and  gambol  up  and  down 
the  diaphragm,  disposing  their  possessor  to  laughter,  good 
humor,  and  a thousand  friendly  offices  toward  his  fellow- 
mortals. 

As  a board  of  magistrates  formed  on  this  principle  think 
but  very  little,  they  are  the  less  likely  to  differ  and  wrangle 
about  favorite  opinions;  and  as  they  generally  transact 
business  upon  a hearty  dinner,  they  are  naturally  disposed 
to  be  lenient  and  indulgent  in  the  administration  of  their 
duties.  Charlemagne  was  conscious  of  this,  and  therefore 
ordered  in  his  cartularies  that  no  judge  should  hold  a court 
of  justice  except  in  the  morning,  on  an  empty  stomach — a 
pitiful  rule  which  I can  never  forgive,  and  which  I war- 
rant bore  hard  upon  all  the  poor  culprits  in  the  kingdom. 
The  more  enlightened  and  humane  generation  of  the  pres- 
ent day  have  taken  an  opposite  course,  and  have  so  man- 
aged that  the  aldermen  are  the  best-fed  men  in  the  com- 
munity, feasting  lustily  on  the  fat  things  of  the  land,  and 
gorging  so  heartily  on  oysters  and  turtles  that  in  process  of 
time  they  acquire  the  activity  of  the  one,  and  the  form,  the 
waddle,  and  the  green  fat  of  the  other.  The  consequence 
is,  as  I have  just  said,  these  luxurious  feastings  do  produce 
such  a dulcet  equanimity  and  repose  of  the  soul,  rational 
and  irrational,  that  their  transactions  are  proverbial  for  un- 
varying monotony;  and  the  profound  laws  which  they  enact 
in  their  dozing  moments,  amid  the  labors  of  digestion,  are 
quietly  suffered  to  remain  as  dead  letters  and  never  enforced 
when  awake.  In  a word,  your  fair,  round- bellied  burgo- 


96 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


master,  like  a full-fed  mastiff,  dozes  quietly  at  the  house- 
door,  always  at  home  and  always  at  hand  to  watch  over  its 
safety;  but  as  to  electing  a lean,  meddling  candidate  to  the 
office,  as  has  now  and  then  been  done,  I would  as  lief  put 
a greyhound  to  watch  the  house  or  a race-horse  to  draw  an 
ox-wagon. 

The  burgomasters,  then,  as  I have  already  mentioned, 
were  wisely  chosen  by  weight,  and  the  schepens,  or  assist- 
ant aldermen,  were  appointed  to  attend  upon  them  and 
help  them  eat;  but  the  latter  in  the  course  of  time,  when 
they  had  been  fed  and  fattened  into  sufficient  bulk  of  body 
and  drowsiness  of  brain,  became  very  eligible  candidates  for 
the  burgomasters5  chairs,  having  fairly  eaten  themselves 
into  office,  as  a mouse  eats  his  way  into  a comfortable 
lodgment  in  a goodly,  blue-nosed,  skimmed-milk  New 
England  cheese. 

Nothing  could  equal  the  profound  deliberations  that  took 
place  between  the  renowned  Wouter  and  these  his  worthy 
compeers,  unless  it  be  the  sage  divans  of  some  of  our  mod- 
ern corporations.  They  would  sit  for  hours  smoking  and 
dozing  over  public  affairs,  without  speaking  a word  to  in- 
terrupt that  perfect  stillness  so  neccessary  to  deep  reflection. 
Under  the  sober  sway  of  Wouter  Van  Twiller  and  these 
his  worthy  coadjutors  the  infant  settlement  waxed  vigor- 
ous apace,  gradually  emerging  from  the  swamps  and  for- 
ests, and  exhibiting  that  mingled  appearance  of  town  and 
country  customary  in  new  cities,  and  which  at  this  day 
may  be  witnessed  in  the  city  of  Washington,  that  im- 
mense metropolis  which  makes  so  glorious  an  appearance 
on  paper. 

It  was  a pleasing  sight  in  those  times  to  behold  the  hon- 
est burgher,  like  a patriarch  of  yore,  seated  on  the  bench 
at  the  door  of  his  whitewashed  house  under  the  shade  of 
some  gigantic  sycamore  or  overhanging  willow.  Here 
would  he  smoke  his  pipe  of  a sultry  afternoon,  enjoying 
the  soft  southern  breeze,  and  listening  with  silent  gratula- 
tion  to  the  clucking  of  his  hens,  the  cackling  of  his  geese, 
and  the  sonorous  grunting  of  his  swine,  that  combination 
of  farm-yard  melody  which  may  truly  be  said  to  have  a 
silver  sound  inasmuch  as  it  conveys  a certain  assurance  of 
profitable  marketing. 

The  modern  spectator,  who  wanders  through  the  streets 
of  this  populous  city,  can  scarcely  form  an  idea  of  the  dif- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


97 


fereut  appearance  they  presented  in  the  primitive  days  of 
the  Doubter.  The  busy  hum  of  multitudes,  the  shouts  of 
revelry,  the  rumbling  equipages  of  fashion,  the  rattling  of 
accursed  carts,  and  all  the  spirit-grieving  sounds  of  brawl- 
ing commerce  were  unknown  in  the  settlement  of  New 
Amsterdam.  The  grass  grew  quietly  in  the  highways; 
the  bleating  sheep  and  frolicsome  calves  sported  about 
the  verdant  ridge  where  now  the  Broadway  loungers  take 
their  morning  stroll ; the  cunning  fox  or  ravenous  wolf 
skulked  in  the  woods  where  now  are  to  be  seen  the  dens  of 
Gomez  and  his  righteous  fraternity  of  money  brokers;  and 
flocks  of  vociferous  geese  cackled  about  the  fields  where 
now  the  great  Tammany  wigwam  and  the  patriotic  tavern 
of  Martling  echo  with  the  wranglings  of  the  mob. 

In  these  good  times  did  a true  and  enviable  equality  of 
rank  and  property  prevail,  equally  removed  from  the  arro- 
gance of  wealth  and  the  servility  and  heart  burnings  of 
repining  poverty,  and,  what  in  my  mind  is  still  more 
conducive  to  tranquility  and  harmony  among  friends,  a 
happy  equality  of  intellect  was  likewise  to  be  seen.  The 
minds  of  the  good  burghers  of  New  Amsterdam  seemed 
all  to  have  been  cast  in  one  mold,  and  to  be  those  honest, 
blunt  minds  which,  like  certain  manufactures,  are  made 
by  the  gross  and  considered  as  exceedingly  good  for  com- 
mon use. 

Thus  it  happens  that  your%ue  dull  minds  are  generally 
preferred  for  public  employ,  and  especially  promoted  to 
city  honors,  your  keen  intellects,  like  razors,  being  consid- 
ered too  sharp  for  common  service.  I know  that  it  is  com- 
mon to  rail  at  the  unequal  distribution  of  riches  as  the 
great  source  of  jealousies,  broils  and  heart-breakings; 
whereas,  for  my  part,  I verily  believe  it  is  the  sad  inequal- 
ity of  intellect  that  prevails  that  embroils  communities 
more  than  anything  else;  and  I have  remarked  that  your 
knowing  people,  who  are  so  much  wiser  than  anybody 
else,  are  eternally  keeping  society  in  a ferment.  Happily 
for  New  Amsterdam,  nothing  of  the  kind  was  known 
within  its  walls  : the  very  words  of  learning,  education, 
taste  and  talents  were  unheard  of;  a bright  genius  was  an 
animal  unknown  ; and  a blue-stocking  lady  would  have 
been  regarded  with  as  much  wonder  as  a horned  frog  or  a 
fiery  dragon.  No  man,  in  fact,  seemed  to  know  more 
than  his  neighbor,  nor  any  man  to  know  more  than  an 


98 


BISTORT  OF  NEW  YORK. 


honest  man  ought  to  know  who  has  nobody’s  business  to 
mind  but  his  own  ; the  parson  'and  the  council  clerk 
were  the  only  men  that  could  read  in  the  community, 
and  the  sage  Van  Twiller  always  signed  his  name  with  a 
cross. 

Thrice  happy  and  ever  to  be  envied  little  burgh  ! exist- 
ing in  all  the  security  of  harmless  insignificance,  unnot- 
iced and  unenvied  by  the  world,  without  ambition, 
without  vainglory,  without  riches,  without  learning,  and 
all  their  train  of  carking  cares ; and,  as  of  yore,  in  the 
better  days  of  man,  the  deities  were  wont  to  visit  him  on 
earth  and  bless  his  rural  habitations,  so  we  are  told  in  the 
sylvan  days  of  New  Amsterdam  the  good  St.  Nicholas 
would  often  make  his  appearance  in  his  beloved  city  of  a 
holiday  afternoon,  riding  jollily  among  the  tree-tops  or  over 
the  roofs  of  the  houses,  now  and  then  drawing  forth 
magnificent  presents  from  his  breeches  pockets  and  drop- 
ping them  down  the  chimneys  of  his  favorites;  whereas 
in  these  degenerate  days  of  iron  and  brass  he  never  shows 
us  the  light  of  his  countenance,  nor  ever  visits  us,  save 
one  night  in  the  year,  when  he  rattles  down  the  chimneys 
of  the  descendants  of  the  patriarchs,  confining  his  pres- 
ents merely  to  the  children  in  token  of  the  degeneracy  of 
the  parents. 

Such  are  the  comfortable  and  thriving  effects  of  a fat 
government.  The  province  of  the  New  Netherlands,  desti- 
tute of  wealth,  possessed  a sweet  tranquility  that  wealth 
could  never  purchase.  There  were  neither  public  commo- 
tions nor  private  quarrels ; neither  parties  nor  sects  nor 
schisms  ; neither  persecutions  nor  trials  nor  punishments  ; 
nor  were  there  counselors,  attorneys,  catchpolls,  or  hang- 
men. Every  man  attended  to  what  little  business  he  was 
lucky  enough  to  have,  or  neglected  it  if  he  pleased,  without 
asking  the  opinion  of  his  neighbor.  In  those  days  nobody 
meddled  with  concerns  above  his  comprehension  ; nor 
thrust  his  nose  into  other  people’s  affairs;  nor  neglected 
to  correct  his  own  conduct  and  reform  his  own  charac- 
ter in  his  zeal  to  pull  to  pieces  the  characters  of  others  ; 
but,  in  a word,  every  respectable  citizen  ate  when  he  was 
not  hungry,  drank  when  he  was  not  thirsty,  and  went  regu- 
larly to  bed  when  the  sun  set  and  the  fowls  went  to  roost, 
whether  he  was  sleepy  or  not;  all  which  tended  so  remark- 
ably to  the  population  of  the  settlement  that  I am  told 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


99 


every  dutiful  wife  throughout  New  Amsterdam  made  a 
point  of  enriching  her  husband  with  at  least  one  child  a 
year,  and  very  often  a brace — this  superabundance  of  good 
things  clearly  constituting  the  true  luxury  of  life,  according 
to  the  favorite  Dutch  maxim,  that  “more  than  enough 
constitutes  a feast. ” Everything,  therefore  went  on  ex- 
actly as  it  should  do,  and,  in  the  usual  words  employed  by 
historians  to  express  the  welfare  of  the  country,  “the  pro- 
foundest  tranquility  and  repose  reigned  throughout  the 
province.” 


100 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


CHAPTER  III. 

HOW  THE  TOWN  OF  HEW  AMSTERDAM  AROSE  OUT  OF  MUD, 

AND  CAME  TO  BE  MARVELOUSLY  POLISHED  AND  POLITE 

— TOGETHER  WITH  A PICTURE  OF  THE  MANHERS  OF  OUR 

GREAT-GREAT-GRAHDFATHERS. 

Mahifold  are  the  tastes  and  dispositions  of  the  enlight- 
ened literati  who  turn  over  the  pages  of  history.  Some 
there  be  whose  hearts  are  brimful  of  the  yeast  of  courage, 
and  whose  bosoms  do  work  and  swell  and  foam  with  untried 
valor,  like  a barrel  of  new  cider  or  a train-band  captain 
fresh  from  under  the  hands  of  his  tailor.  This  doughty 
class  of  readers  can  be  satisfied  with  nothing  but  bloody 
battles  and  horrible  encounters;  they  must  be  continually 
storming  forts,  sacking  cities,  springing  mines,  marching 
up  to  the  muzzles  of  cannon,  charging  bayonet  through 
every  page,  and  reveling  in  gunpowder  and  carnage. 
Others,  who  are  of  a less  martial  but  equally  ardent  im- 
agination, and,  who,  withal,  are  a little  given  to  the  mar- 
velous, will  dwell  with  wondrous  satisfaction  on  descrip- 
tions of  prodigies,  unheard-of-events,  hairbreadth  escapes, 
hardy  adventures,  and  all  those  astonishing  narrations 
which  just  amble  along  the  boundary-line  of  possibility. 
A third  class,  who,  not  to  speak  slightly  of  them,  are  of 
a lighter  turn,  and  skim  over  the  records  of  past  times  as 
they  do  over  the  edifying  pages  of  a novel,  merely  for 
relaxation  and  innocent  amusement,  do  singularly  delight 
in  treasons,  executions,  Sabine  rapes,  Tarquin  outrages, 
conflagrations,  murders,  and  all  the  other  catalogue  of 
hideous  crimes,  which  like  cayenne  in  cookery  do  give  a 
pungency  and  flavor  to  the  dull  detail  of  history;  while  a 
fourth  class,  of  more  philosophic  habits,  do  diligently  pore 
over  the  musty  chronicles  of  time,  to  investigate  the  oper- 
ations of  the  human  kind  and  watch  the  gradual  changes 
in  men  and  manners  effected  by  the  progress  of  knowledge, 
the  vicissitudes  of  events,  or  the  influence  of  situation. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


101 


If  the  three  first  classes  find  but  little  wherewithal  to 
solace  themselves  in  the  tranquil  reign  of  Wouter  Van 
T wilier,  I entreat  them  to  exert  their  patience  for  a while, 
and  bear  with  the  tedious  picture  of  happiness,  prosperity, 
and  peace  which  my  duty  as  a faithful  historian  obliges 
me  to  draw;  and  I promise  them  that  as  soon  as  I can  pos- 
sibly alight  upon  anything  horrible,  uncommon,  or  impos- 
sible it  shall  go  hard  but  I will  make  it  afford  them  enter- 
tainment. This  being  premised,  I turn  with  great  com- 
placency to  the  fourth  class  of  my  readers,  who  are  men, 
or,  if  possible,  women,  after  my  own  heart ; grave,  philo- 
sophical, and  investigating,  fond  of  analyzing  characters, 
of  taking  a start  from  the  first  causes,  and  so  hunting  a 
nation  down  through  all  the  mazes  of  innovation  and  im- 
provement. Such  will  naturally  be  anxious  to  witness  the 
first  development  of  the  newly-hatched  colony  and  the 
primitive  manners  and  customs  prevalent  among  its  in- 
habitants during  the  halcyon  reign  of  Van  T wilier  or  the 
Doubter. 

I will  not  grieve  their  patience,  however,  by  describing 
minutely  the  increase  and  improvement  of  New  Amster- 
dam. Their  own  imaginations  will  doubtless  present  to 
them  the  good  burghers,  like  so  many  painstaking  and 
persevering  beavers,  slowly  and  surely  pursuing  their  labors; 
they  will  behold  the  prosperous  transformation  from  the 
rude  log  hut  to  the  stately  Dutch  mansion  with  brick  front, 
glazed  windows,  and  tiled  roof  ; from  the  tangled  thicket 
to  the  luxuriant  cabbage-garden  ; and  from  the  skulking 
Indian  to  the  ponderous  burgomaster.  In  a word,  they 
will  picture  to  themselves  the  steady,  silent,  and  undeviating 
march  of  prosperity  incident  to  a city  destitute  of  pride  or 
ambition,  cherished  by  a fat  government,  and  whose  citi- 
zens do  nothing  in  a hurry. 

The  sage  council,  as  has  been  mentioned  in  a preceding 
chapter,  not  being  able  to  determine  upon  any  plan  for  the 
building  of  their  city,  the  cows,  in  a laudable  fit  of  patri- 
otism, took  it  under  their  peculiar  charge,  and  as  they  went 
to  and  from  pasture  established  paths  through  the  bushes, 
on  each  side  of  which  the  good  folks  built  their  houses ; 
which  is  one  cause  of  the  rambling  and  picturesque  turns 
and  labyrinths  which  distinguish  certain  streets  of  New 
York  at  this  very  day. 

The  houses  of  th§  higher  class  were  generally  constructed 


102 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


of  wood,  excepting  the  gable  end,  which  was  of  small  black 
and  yellow  Dutch  bricks,  and  always  faced  on  the  street, 
as  our  ancestors,  like  their  descendants,  were  very  much 
given  to  outward  show,  and  were  noted  for  putting  the  best 
leg  foremost.  The  house  was  always  furnished  with  abund- 
ance of  large  doors  and  small  windows  on  every  floor,  .the 
date  of  its  erection  was  curiously  designated  by  iron  figures 
on  the  front,  and  on  the  top  of  the  roof  was  perched  a fierce 
little  weathercock,  to  let  the  family  into  the  important 
secret  which  way  the  wind  blew.  These,  like  the  weather- 
cocks on  the  tops  of  our  steeples,  pointed  so  many  different 
ways  that  every  man  could  have  a wind  to  his  mind  ; the 
most  stanch  and  loyal  citizens,  however,  always  went  ac- 
cording to  the  weathercock  on  the  top  of  the  governor’s 
house,  which  was  certainly  the  most  ^correct,  as  he  had  a 
trusty  servant  employed  every  morning  to  climb  up  and  set 
it  to  the  right  quarter. 

In  those  good  days  of  simplicity  and  sunshine  a passion 
for  cleanliness  was  the  leading  principle  in  domestic  econ- 
omy and  the  universal  test  of  an  able  housewife — a charac- 
ter whic^i  formed  the  utmost  ambition  of  our  unenlight- 
ened grandmothers.  The  front  door  was  never  opened  ex- 
cept on  marriages,  funerals.  New  Year’s  days,  the  festival 
of  St.  Nicholas,  or  some  such  great  occasion.  It  was  orna- 
mented with  a gorgeous  brass  knocker,  curiously  wrought, 
sometimes  in  the  device  of  a dog,  and  sometimes  of  a lion’s 
head,  and  was  daily  burnished  with  such  religious  zeal  that 
it  was  ofttimes  worn  out  by  the  very  precautions  taken  for 
its  preservation.  The  whole  house  was  constantly  in  a 
state  of  inundation  under  the  discipline  of  mops  and 
brooms  and  scrubbing  brushes  ; and  the  good  housewives 
of  those  days  were  a kind  of  amphibious  animal,  delight- 
ing exceedingly  to  be  dabbling  in  water,  insomuch  that 
an  historian  of  the  day  gravely  tells  us  that  many  of  his 
townswomen  grew  to  have  webbed  fingers  like  unto  a 
duck  ; and  some  of  them,  he  had  little  doubt,  could  the 
matter  be  examined  into,  would  be  found  to  have  the 
tails  of  mermaids;  but  this  I look  upon  to  be  a mere 
sport  of  fancy,  or,  what  is  worse,  a willful  misrepresent- 
ation. 

The  grand  parlor  was  the  sanctum-sanctorum  where  the 
passion  for  cleaning  was  indulged  without  control.  In 
this  sacred  apartment  no  one  was  permitted  to  enter  ex- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


103 


cepting  the  mistress  and  her  confidential  maid,  who 
visited  it  once  a week  for  the  purpose  of  giving  it  a thor- 
ough cleaning  and  putting  things  to  rights,  always  taking 
the  precaution  of  leaving  their  shoes  at  the  door  and  en- 
tering devoutly  in  their  stocking  feet.  After  scrubbing 
the  floor,  sprinkling  it  with  fine  white  sand,  which  was 
curiously  stroked  into  angles,  and  curves,  and  rhomboids 
with  a broom — after  washing  the  windows,  rubbing  and 
polishing  the  furniture,  and  putting  a new  bunch  of  ever- 
greens in  the  fireplace — the  window  shutters  were  again 
closed  to  keep  out  the  flies,  and  the  room  carefully  locked 
up  until  the  revolution  of  time  brought  round  the  weekly 
cleaning  day. 

As  to  the  family,  they  always  entered  in  at  the  gate,  and 
most  generally  lived  in  the  kitchen.  To  have  seen  a 
numerous  householdvassembled  round  the  fire  one  would 
have  imagined  that  he  was  transported  back  to  those 
happy  days  of  primeval  simplicity  which  float  before  our 
imaginations  like  golden  visions.  The  fireplaces  were  of  a 
truly  patriarchal  magnitude,  where  the  whole  family,  old 
and  young,  master  and  servant,  black  aiid  white — nay, 
even  the  very  cat  and  dog — enjoyed  a community  of  priv- 
ilege and  had  each  a right  to  a corner.  Here  the  old  bur- 
gher would  sit  in  perfect  silence,  puffing  his  pipe,  looking 
in  the  fire  with  half-shut  eyes,  and  thinking  of  nothing 
for  hours  together;  the  goede  vrouw  on  the  opposite  side 
would  employ  herself  diligently  in  spinning  yarn  or  knit- 
ting stockings.  The  young  folks  would  crowd  around  the 
hearth,  listening  with  breathless  attention  to  some  old 
crone  of  a negro  who  was  the  oracle  of  the  family,  and 
who,  perched  like  a raven  in  a corner  of  the  chimney, 
would  croak  forth  for  a long  winter  afternoon  a string  of 
incredible  stories  about  New  England  witches,  grisly 
ghosts,  horses  without  heads,  and  liair-breadth  escapes  and 
bloody  encounters  among  the  Indians. 

In  those  happy  days  a well-regulated  family  always  rose 
with  the  dawn,  dined  at  eleven,  and  went  to  bed  at  sunset. 
Dinner  was  invariably  a private  meal,  and  the  fat  old 
burghers  showed  incontestible  signs  of  disapprobation  and 
uneasiness  at  being  surprised  by  a visit  from  a neighbor  on 
such  occasions.  But,  though  our  worthy  ancestors  were 
thus  singularly  adverse  to  giving  dinners,  yet  they  kept  up 
the  social  bands  of  intimacy  by  occasional  banquetings 
called  tea-parties. 


104 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


These  fashionable  parties  were  generally  confined  to  the 
higher  classes — or  noblesse — that  is  to  say,  such  as  kept 
their  own  cows  and  drove  their  own  wagons.  The  com- 
pany commonly  assembled  at  three  o’clock  and  went  away 
about  six,  unless  it  was  in  winter  time,  when  the  fashion- 
able hours  were  a little  earlier,  that  the  ladies  might  get 
home  before  dark.  The  tea-table  was  crowned  with  a huge 
earthen  dish  well  stored  with  slices  of  fat  pork  fried  brown, 
cut  up  into  morsels,  and  swimming  in  gravy.  The  com- 
pany, being  seated  round  the  genial  board  and  each  fur- 
nished with  a fork,  evinced  their  dexterity  in  launching  at 
the  fattest  pieces  in  this  mighty  dish — in  much  the  same 
manner  as  sailors  harpoon  porpoises  at  sea  or  our  Indians 
spear  salmon  in  the  lakes.  Sometimes  the  table  was  graced 
with  immense  apple  pies  or  saucers  full  of  preserved 
peaches  and  pears;  but  it  was  always  sure  to  boast  an 
enormous  dish  of  balls  of  sweetened  dough,  fried  in  hog’s 
fat,  and  called  doughnuts,  or  olykoeks — a delicious  kind  of 
cake  at  present  scarce  known  in  this  city,  except  in  gen- 
uine Dutch  families. 

The  tea  was  served  out  of  a majestic  delft  teapot  orna- 
mented with  paintings  of  fat  little  Dutch  shepherds  and 
shepherdesses  tending  pigs,  with  boats  sailing  in  the  air, 
and  houses  built  in  the  clouds,  and  sundry  other  ingenious 
Dutch  fantasies.  The  beaux  distinguished  themselves  by 
their  adroitness  in  replenishing  this  pot  from  a huge  cop- 
per tea-kettle  which  would  have  made  the  pigmy  maca- 
ronies of  these  degenerate  days  sweot  merely  to  look  at  it. 
To  sweeten  the  beverage  a lump  of  sugar  was  laid  beside 
each  cup,  and  the  company  alternately  nibbled  and  sipped 
with  great  decorum,  until  an  improvement  was  introduced 
by  a shrewd  and  ecomonic  old  lady,  which  was  to  suspend 
a large  lump  directly  over  the  tea-table  by  a string  from 
the  ceiling,  so  that  it  could  be  swung  from  mouth  to 
mouth — an  ingenious  expedient  which  is  still  kept  up  by 
some  families  in  Albany,  but  which  prevails  without  ex- 
ception in  Communipaw,  Bergen,  Flatbush,  and  all  our 
uncontaminated  Dutch  villages. 

At  these  primitive  tea-parties  the  utmost  propriety  and 
dignity  of  deportment  prevailed.  No  flirting  nor  coquetting; 
no  gambling  of  old  ladies  nor  hoyden  chattering  and  romp- 
ing of  young  ones;  no  self-satisfied  struttings  of  wealthy 
gentlemen  with  their  brains  in  th§ir  pockets;  nor  amusing 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


105 


conceits  and  monkey  divertisernents  of  smart  young  gentle- 
men with  no  brains  at  all.  On  the  contrary,  the  young 
ladies  seated  themselves  demurely  in  their  rush-buttomed 
chairs  and  knit  their  own  woollen  stockings,  nor  ever 
opened  their  lips  excepting  to  say  Yah , Mynheer , or  Yah 
ya , Vrouw , to  any  question  that  was  asked  them,  behaving 
in  all  things  like  decent,  well-educated  damsels.  As  to  the 
gentlemen,  each  of  them  tranquilly  smoked  his  pipe  and 
seemed  lost  in  comtemplation  of  the  blue  and  white  tiles 
wuh  which  the  fireplaces  were  decorated,  whereon  sundry 
passages  of  Scriptures  were  piously  portrayed:  Tobit  and 
his  dog  figured  to  great  ad  vantage;  Harnan  swung  conspic- 
uously on  his  gibbet;  and  Jonah  appeared  most  manfully 
bouncing  out  of  the  whale,  like  Harlequin  through  a barrel 
of  fire. 

The  parties  broke  up  without  noise  and  without  confu- 
sion. They  were  carried  home  by  their  own  carriages — 
that  is  to  say,  by  the  vehicles  Nature  had  provided  them — 
excepting  such  of  the  wealthy  as  could  afford  to  keep  a 
wagon.  The  gentlemen  gallantly  attended  their  fair  ones 
to  their  respective  abodes,  and  took  leave  of  them  with  a 
hearty  smack  at  the  door,  which  as  it  was  an  established 
piece  of  etiquette,  done  in  perfect  simplicity  and  honesty  of 
heart,  occasioned  no  scandal  at  that  time,  nor  should  it  at 
the  present:  if  our  great-grandfathers  approved  of  the  cus- 
tom, it  would  argue  a great  want  of  reverence  in  their  de- 
scendants to  say  a word  against  it.  ^ 


100 


HI8T0RY  OF  NEW  YORK 


CHAPTER  IV. 

CONTAINING  FURTHER  PARTICULARS  OF  THE  GOLDEN 

AGE,  AND  WHAT  CONSTITUTED  A FINE  LADY  AND  GEN- 
TLEMAN IN  THE  DAYS  OF  WALTER  THE  DOUBTER. 

In  this  dulcet  period  of  my  history,  when  the  beauteous 
island  of  Manna-hata  presented  a scene  the  very  counter- 
part of  those  glowing  pictures  drawn  of  the  golden  reign 
of  Saturn,  there  was,  as  I have  before  observed,  a happy 
ignorance,  an  honest  simplicity,  prevalent  among  its  inhab- 
itants, which,  were  I even  able  to  depict,  would  be  but  little 
understood  by  the  degenerate  age  for  which  I am  doomed 
to  write.  Even  the  female  sex,  those  arch  innovators  upon 
the  tranquillity,  the  honesty,  and  gray-beard  customs  of 
society,  seemed  for  a while  to  conduct  themselves  with  in- 
credible sobriety  and  comeliness. 

Their  hair,  untortured  by  the  abominations  of  art,  was 
scrupulously  pomatumed  back  from  their  foreheads  with  a 
candle,  and  covered  with  a little  cap  of  quilted  calico  which 
fitted  exactly  to  their  heads.  Their  petticoats  of  linsey- 
woolsey  were  striped  with  a variety  of  gorgeous  dyes, 
though  I must  confess  these  gallant  garments  were  rather 
short,  scarce  reaching  below  the  knee;  but  then  they  made 
up  in  the  number,  which  generally  equalled  that  of  the 
gentlemen’s  small-clothes;  and,  what  is  still  more  praise- 
worthy, they  were  all  of  their  own  manufacture,  of  which 
circumstance,  as  may  well  be  supposed,  they  were  not  a 
little  vain. 

These  were  the  honest  days  in  which  every  woman  stayed 
at  home,  read  the  Bible,  and  wore  pockets — ay,  and  that 
too  of  a goodly  size,  fashioned  with  patchwork  into  many 
curious  devices  and  ostentatiously  worn  on  the  outside. 
These,  in  fact,  were  convenient  receptacles  where  all  good 
housewives  carefully  stored  away  such  things  as  they  wished 
to  have  at  hand,  by  which  means  they  often  came  to  be 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


107 


incredibly  crammed;  and  I remember  there  was  a story  cur- 
rent when  I was  a boy  that  the  lady  of  Wouter  Van  Twil- 
ler  once  had  occasion  to  empty  her  right  pocket  in  search 
of  a wooden  ladle,  when  the  contents  filled  a couple  of  corn 
baskets,  and  the  utensil  was  discovered  lying  among  some 
rubbish  in  one  corner.  But  we  must  not  give  too  much 
faith  to  all  these  stories,  the  anecdotes  of  those  remote 
periods  being  very  subject  to  exaggeration. 

Besides  these  notable  pockets,  they  likewise  wore  scissors 
and  pincushions  suspended  from  their  girdles  by  red  rib- 
bons, or  among  the  more  opulent  and  showy  classes  by 
brass,  and  even  silver,  chains— indubitable  tokens  of  thrifty 
housewives  and  industrious  spinsters.  1 cannot  say  much 
in  vindication  of  the  shortness  of  the  petticoats:  it  doubt- 
less was  introduced  for  the  purpose  of  giving  the  stockings 
a chance  to  be  seen,  which  were  generally  of  blue  worsted 
with  magnificent  red  clocks,  or  perhaps  to  display  a well- 
turned  ankle  and  a neat,  though  serviceable  foot,  set  off  by 
a high-heeled  leathern  shoe  with  a large  and  splendid  silver 
buckle.  Thus  we  find  that  the  gentle  sex  in  all  ages  have 
shown  the  same  disposition  to  infringe  a little  upon  the 
laws  of  decorum  in  order  to  betray  a lurking  beauty  or 
gratify  an  innocent  love  of  finery. 

From  the  sketch  here  given  it  will  be  seen  that  our  good 
grandmothers  differed  considerably  in  their  ideas  of  a fine 
figure  from  their  scantily  dressed  descendants  of  the  pres- 
ent day.  A fine  lady  in  those  times  waddled  under  more 
clothes,  even  on  a fair  summer's  day,  than  would  have 
clad  the  whole  bevy  of  a modern  ball-room.  Nor  were  they 
the  less  admired  by  the  gentlemen  in  consequence  thereof. 
On  the  contrary,  the  greatness  of  a lover's  passion  seemed  to 
increase  in  proportion  to  the  magnitude  of  its  object,  and 
a voluminous  damsel,  arrayed  in  a dozen  of  petticoats,  was 
declared  by  a Low  Dutch  sonneteer  of  the  province  to  be 
radiant  as  a sunflower  and  luxuriant  as  a full-blown  cab- 
bage. Certain  it  is  that  in  those  days  the  heart  of  a 
lover  could  not  contain  more  than  ode  lady  at  a time  ; 
whereas  the  heart  of  a modern  gallant  has  often  room 
enough  to  accommodate  half  a dozen.  The  reason  of 
which  I conclude  to  be,  that  either  the  hearts  of  the  gen- 
tlemen have  grown  larger  or  the  persons  of  the  ladies 
smaller ; this,  however,  is  a question  for  physiologists  tq 
determine. 


108 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


But  there  was  a secret  charm  in  these  petticoats  which 
no  doubt  entered  into  the  consideration  of  the  prudent 
gallants.  The  wardrobe  of  a lady  was  in  those  days  her 
only  fortune,  and  she  who  had  a good  stock  of  petticoats 
and  stockings  was  as  absolutely  an  heiress  as  is  a Kam- 
schatka  damsel  with  a store  of  bear  skins  or  a Lapland 
belle  with  a plenty  of  reindeer.  The  ladies,  therefore, 
were  very  anxious  to  display  these  powerful  attractions  to 
the  greatest  advantage;  and  the  best  rooms  in  the  house, 
instead  of  being  adorned  with  caricatures  of  Dame  Nature 
in  water  colors  and  needlework,  were  always  hung  round 
with  abundance  of  homespun  garments,  the  manufacture 
and  the  property  of  the  females — apiece  of  laudable  osten- 
tation that  still  prevails  among  the  heiresses  of  our  Dutch 
villages. 

The  gentlemen,  in  fact,  who  figured  in  the  circles  of  the 
gay  world  in  these  ancient  times  corresponded,  in  most 
particulars,  with  the  beauteous  damsels  whose  smiles  they 
were  ambitious  to  deserve.  True  it  is  their  merits  would 
make  but  a very  inconsiderable  impression  upon  the  heart 
of  a modern  fair : they  neither  drove  their  curricles  nor 
sported  their  tandems,  for  as  yet  those  gaudy  vehicles  were 
not  even  dreamt  of,  neither  did  they  distinguish  them- 
selves by  their  brilliancy  at  the  table,  and  their  consequent 
renconters  with  watchmen,  for  our  forefathers  were  of  too 
pacific  a disposition  to  need  those  guardians  of  the  night, 
every  soul  throughout  the  town  being  sound  asleep  before 
nine  o’clock.  Neither  did  they  establish  their  claims  to 
gentility  at  the  expense  of  their  tailors,  for  as  yet  those 
offenders  against  the  pockets  of  society  and  the  tran- 
quility of  all  aspiring  young  gentlemen  were  unknown  in 
New  Amsterdam  ; every  good  housewife  made  the  clothes 
of  her  husband  and  family,  and  even  the  goede  vrouw  of 
Van  Twiller  himself  thought  it  no  disparagement  to  cut 
out  her  husband’s  linsey-woolsey  galligaskins. 

Not  but  what  there  were  some  two  or  three  youngsters 
who  manifested  the  first  dawning  of  what  is  called  fire  and 
spirit,  who  held  all  labor  in  contempt,  skulked  about  docks 
and  market-places,  loitered  in  the  sunshine,  squandered 
what  little  money  they  could  procure  at  hustle-cap  and 
chuck-farthing,  swore,  boxed,  fought  cocks,  and  raced 
their  neighbors’  horses;  in  short,  who  promised  to  be  the 
wonder,  the  talk,  and  abomination  of  the  town,  had  not 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 109 

their  stylish  career  been  unfortunately  cut  short  by  an 
affair  of  honor  with  a whipping-post. 

Far  other,  however,  was  the  truly  fashionable  gentle- 
man of  those  days.  His  dress,  which  served  for  both 
morning  and  evening,  street  and  drawing-room,  was  a 
linsey-woolsey  coat,  made,  perhaps,  by  the  fair  hands  of 
the  mistress  of  his  affections,  and  gallantly  bedecked  with 
abundance  of  large  brass  buttons  ; half  a score  of  breeches 
heightened  the  proportions  of  his  figure  ; his  shoes  were 
decorated  by  enormous  copper  buckles;  a low-crowned, 
broad-brimmed  hat  overshadowed  his  burly  visage;  and 
his  hair  dangled  down  his  back  in  a prodigious  queue  of 
eelskin. 

Thus  equipped,  he  would  manfully  sally  forth  with 
pipe  in  mouth  to  besiege  some  fair  damsel's  obdurate 
heart — not  such  a pipe,  good  reader,  as  that  which  Acis 
did  sweetly  tune  in  praise  of  his  Galatea,  but  one  of  true 
Delft  manufacture  and  furnished  with  a charge  of  fra- 
grant tobacco.  With  this  would  he  resolutely  set  himself 
down  before  the  fortress,  and  rarely  failed,  in  the  process 
of  time,  to  smoke  the  fair  enemy  into  a surrender  upon 
honorable  terms. 

Such  was  the  happy  reign  of  Wouter  Van  Twiller,  cele- 
brated in  many  a long-forgotten  song  as  the  real  golden 
age,  the  rest  being  nothing  but  counterfeit  copper- washed 
coin.  In  that  delightful  period  a sweet  and  holy  calm 
reigned  over  the  whole  province.  The  burgomaster  smoked 
his  pipe  in  peace;  the  substantial  solace  of  his  domestic 
cares,  after  her  daily  toils  were  done,  sat  soberly  at 
the  door,  with  her  arms  crossed  over  her  apron  of 
snowy  white,  without  being  insulted  by  ribald  street- 
walkers or  vagabond  boys — those  unlucky  urchins  who 
do  so  infest  our  streets,  displaying  under  the  roses  of 
youth  the  thorns  and  briers  of  iniquity.  Then  it  was  that 
the  lover  with  ten  breeches  and  the  damsel  with  petticoats 
of  half  a score  indulged  in  all  the  innocent  endearments 
of  virtuous  love  without  fear  and  without  reproach;  for 
what  had  that  virtue  to  fear  which  was  defended  by  a 
shield  of  good  linsey-woolseys  equal  at  least  to  the  seven 
bull-hides  of  the  invincible  Ajax. 

Ah,  blissful  and  never-to-be-forgotten  age!  when  every- 
thing was  better  than  it  has  ever  been  since  or  ever  will  be 
again — when  Buttermilk  Channel  was  quite  dry  at  low  water 


110 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


— when  the  shad  in  the  Hudson  were  all  salmon,  and  when 
the  moon  shone  with  a pure  and  resplendent  whiteness,  in- 
stead of  that  melancholy  yellow  light  which  is  the  conse- 
quence of  her  sickening  at  the  abominations  she  every  night 
witnesses  in  this  degenerate  city! 

Happy  would  it  have  been  for  Ne w Amsterdam  could  it 
always  have  existed  in  this  state  of  blissful  ignorance  and 
lowly  simplicity;  but,  alas!  the  days  of  childhood  are  too 
sweet  to  last!  Cities,  like  men,  grow  out  of  them  in  time, 
and  are  doomed  alike  to  grow  into  the  bustle,  the  cares,  and 
miseries  of  the  world.  Let  no  man  congratulate  himself, 
when  he  beholds  the  child  of  his  bosom  or  the  city  of  his 
birth  increasing  in  magnitude  and  importance:  let  the  his- 
tory of  his  own  life  teach  him  the  dangers  of  the  one,  and 
this  excellent  little  history  of  Manna-hata  convince  him 
of  the  calamities  of  the  other. 


/ 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Ill 


CHAPTER  Y. 

OF  THE  FOUNDING  OF  FORT  AURANIA — OF  THE  MYSTERIES 
OF  THE  HUDSON — OF  THE  ARRIVAL  OF  THE  PATROON 
KILLIAN  VAN  RENSELLAER;  HIS  LORDLY  DESCENT  UPON 
THE  EARTH,  AND  HIS  INTRODUCTION  OF  CLUB-LAW.  * 

It  has  already  been  mentioned  that  in  the  early  times  of 
Oloffe  the  Dreamer  a frontier  post,  or  trading-house,  called 
Fort  Aurania,  had  been  established  on  the  upper  waters  of 
the  Hudson,  precisely  on  the  site  of  the  present  venerable 
city  of  Albany,  which  was  at  that  time  considered  at  the 
very  end  of  the  habitable  world.  It  was,  indeed,  a remote 
possession,  with  which  for  a long  time  New  Amsterdam 
held  but  little  intercourse.  Now  and  then  the  “Company’s 
Yacht,”  as  it  was  called,  was  sent  to  the  fort  with  supplies, 
and  to  bring  away  the  peltries  which  had  been  purchased 
of  the  Indians.  It  was  like  an  expedition  to  the  Indias  or 
the  North  Pole,  and  always  made  great  talk  in  the  settle- 
ment. Sometimes  an  adventurous  burgher  would  accom- 
pany the  expedition,  to  the  great  uneasiness  of  his  friends, 
but  on  his  return  had  so  many  stories  to  tell  of  storms  and 
tempests  on  the  Tappaan  Zee,  of  hobgoblins  in  the  High- 
lands and  at  the  Devil’s  Dans  Kammer,  and  of  all  the  other 
wonders  and  perils  with  which  the  river  abounded  in  those 
early  days,  that  he  deterred  the  less  adventurous  inhabit- 
ants from  following  his  example. 

Matters  were  in  this  state  when,  one  day,  as  Walter  the 
Doubter  and  his  burgermeesters  were  smoking  and  pon- 
dering over  the  affairs  of  the  province,  they  were  roused  by 
the  report  of  a cannon.  Sallying  forth,  they  beheld  a 
strange  vessel  at  anchor  in  the  bay.  It  was  unquestion- 
ably of  Dutch  build,  broad-bottomed  and  high-pooped, 
and  bore  the  flag  of  their  High  Mightinesses  at  the  mast- 
head. 

After  a while  a boat  put  off  for  land,  and  a stranger 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


112 

stepped  on  shore — a lofty,  lordly  kind  of  man,  tall  and 
dry,  with  a meager  face,  furnished  with  huge  mustaches. 
He  was  clad  in  Flemish  doublet  and  hose,  and  an  insuffer- 
ably tall  hat  with  a cocktail  feather.  Such  was  the 
patroon  Killian  Van  Rensellaer,  who  had  come  out  from 
Holland  to  found  a colony  or  patroonship  on  a great  tract 
of  wild  land  granted  to  him  by  their  High  Mightinesses 
the  Lords  States  General  in  the  upper  regions  of  the 
Hudson. 

Killian  Van  Rensellaer  was  a nine  days*  wonder  in 
New  Amsterdam,  for  he  carried  a high  head,  looked  down 
upon  the  portly,  short-legged  burgomasters,  and  owned 
no  allegiance  to  the  governor  himself,  boasting  that  he 
held  his  patroonship  directly  from  the  Lords  States 
General. 

He  tarried  but  a short  time  in  New  Amsterdam,  merely 
to  beat  up  recruits  for  his  colony.  Few,  however,  ven- 
tured to  enlist  for  those  remote  and  savage  regions,  and 
when  they  embarked  their  friends  took  leave  of  them  as 
if  they  should  never  see  them  more,  and  stood  gazing  with 
tearful  eyes  as  the  stout,  round-sterned  little  vessel  plowed 
and  splashed  its  way  up  the  Hudson  with  great  noise  and 
little  progress,  taking  nearly  a day  to  get  out  of  sight  of 
the  city. 

And  now,  from  time  to  time,  floated  down  tidings  to  the 
Manhattoes  of  the  growing  importance  of  this  new  colony. 
Every  account  represented  Killian  Van  Rensellaer  as  rising 
in  importance  and  becoming  a mighty  patroon  in  the 
land.  He  had  received  more  recruits  from  Holland.  His 
patroonship  of  Rensellaerwick  lay  immediately  below  Fort 
Aurania,  and  extended  for  several  miles  on  each  side  of 
the  Hudson,  besides  embracing  the  mountainous  region  of 
the  Helderberg.  Over  all  this  he  claimed  to  hold  separate 
jurisdiction  independent  of  the  colonial  authorities  at  New 
Amsterdam. 

All  these  assumptions  of  authority  were  duly  reported  to 
Governor  Van  T wilier  and  his  council  by  dispatches  from 
Fort  Aurania ; at  each  new  report  the  governor  and  his 
counselors  looked  at  each  other,  raised  their  eyebrows, 
gave  an  extra  puff  or  two  of  smoke,  and  then  relapsed  into 
their  usual  tranquillity. 

At  length  tidings  came  that  the  patroon  of  Rensellaer- 
wick had  extended  his  usurpations  along  the  river  beyond 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


113 


the  limits  granted  him  by  their  High  Mightinesses,  and 
that  he  had  even  seized  upon  a rocky  island  in  the  Hudson 
commonly  known  by  the  name  of  Bearn  or  Bear’s  Island, 
where  he  was  erecting  a fortress  to  be  called  by  the  lordly 
name  of  Rensellaerstein. 

Wouter  Van  Twiller  was  roused  by  this  intelligence. 
After  consulting  with  his  burgomasters,  he  dispatched  a 
letter  to  the  patroon  of  Rensellaerwick,  demanding  by 
what  right  he  had  seized  upon  this  island,  which  lay  be- 
yond the  bounds  of  his  patroonship.  The  answer  of  Kil- 
lian Van  Rensellaer  was  in  his  own  lordly  style:  “By  wci- 
pen  recht!  ” that  is  to  say,  by  the  right  of  arms,  or,  in  com- 
mon parlanee,  by  club-law.  This  answer  plunged  the 
worthy  Wouter  in  one  of  the  deepest  doubts  he  had  in  the 
whole  course  of  his  administration  ; in  the  mean  time, 
while  Wouter  doubted,  the  lordly  Killian  went  on  to  finish 
his  fortress  of  Rensellaerstein,  about  which  I foresee  I shall 
have  something  to  record  in  a future  chapter  of  this  most 
eventful  history. 


114 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

IN  WHICH  THE  READER  IS  BEGUILED  INTO  A DELECTABLE 

WALK,  WHICH  ENDS  VERY  DIFFERENTLY  FROM  WHAT  IT 

COMMENCED. 

In  the  year  of  our  Lord  one  thousand  eight  hundred  and 
four,  on  a fine  afternoon  in  the  glowing  month  of  September, 
I took  my  customary  walk  upon  the  Battery,  which  is  at 
once  the  pride  and  bulwark  of  this  ancient  and  impregnable 
city  of  New  York.  The  ground  on  which  I trod  was  hal- 
lowed by  recollections  of  the  past,  and  as  I slowly  wandered 
through  the  long  alley  of  populars,  which, like  so  many  birch 
brooms  standing  on  end,  diffused  a melancholy  and  lugu- 
brious shade  my  imagination  drew  a contrast  between  the 
surrounding  scenery  and  what  it  was  in  the  classic  days  of 
our  forefathers.  Where  the  government-house  by  name, 
but  the  custom-house  by  occupation,  proudly  reared  its 
brick  walls  and  wooden  pillars,  there  whilom  stood  the  low 
but  substantial  red-tiled  mansion  of  the  renowned  Wouter 
Van  Twiller.  Around  it  the  mighty  bulwarks  of  Fort 
Amsterdam  frowned  defiance  to  every  absent  foe;  but,  like 
many  a whiskered  warrior  and  gallant  militia  captain,  con- 
fined their  martial  deeds  to  frowns  alone.  The  mud  breast- 
works had  long  been  leveled  with  the  earth,  and  their  site 
converted  into  the  green  lawns  and  leafy  alleys  of  the  Bat- 
tery, where  the  gay  apprentice  sported  his  Sunday  coat, 
and  the  laborious  mechanic,  relieved  from  the  dirt  and 
drudgery  of  the  week,  poured  his  weekly  tale  of  love  into 
the  half-averted  ear  of  the  sentimental  chambermaid.  The 
capacious  bay  still  presented  the  same  expansive  sheet  of 
water,  studded  with  islands,  sprinkled  with  fishing-boats, 
and  bounded  by  shores  of  picturesque  beauty.  But  the 
dark  forests  which  once  clothed  those  shores  had  been 
violated  by  the  savage  hand  of  cultivation,  and  their 
tangled  mazes  and  impenetrable  thickets  had  degenerated 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


115 


into  teeming  orchards  and  waving  fields  of  grain.  Even 
Governor’s  Island,  once  a smiling  garden  appertaining  to 
the  sovereigns  of  the  province,  was  now  covered  with  forti- 
fications, enclosing  a tremendous  block-house,  so  that  this 
once  peaceful  island  resembled  a fierce  little  warrior  in  a 
big  cocked  hat,  breathing  gunpowder  and  defiance  to  the 
world. 

For  some  time  did  I indulge  in  a pensive  train  of 
thought,  contrasting  in  sober  sadness  the  present  day 
with  the  hallowed  years  behind  the  mountains,  lamenting 
the  melancholy  progress  of  improvement,  and  praising 
the  zeal  with  which  our  worthy  burghers  endeavor  to 
preserve  the  wrecks  of  venerable  customs,  prejudices,  and 
errors  from  the  overwhelming  tide  of  modern  innovation — 
when  by  degrees  my  ideas  took  a different  turn  and  I 
insensibly  awakened  to  an  enjoyment  of  the  beauties  around 
me. 

It  was  one  of  those  rich  autumnal  days  which  Heaven 
particularly  bestows  upon  the  beauteous  island  of  Manna- 
hata  and  its  vicinity.  Not  a floating  cloud  obscured  the 
azure  firmament ; the  sun,  rolling  in  glorious  splendor 
through  his  ethereal  course,  seemed  to  expand  his  honest 
Dutch  countenance  into  an  unusual  expression  of  benevo- 
lence as  he  smiled  his  evening  salutation  upon  a city 
which  he  delights  to  visit  with  his  most  bounteous  beams; 
the  very  winds  seemed  to  hold  in  their  breaths  in  mute  at- 
tention, less  they  should  ruffle  the  tranquillity  of  the  hour; 
and  the  waveless  bosom  of  the  bay  presented  a polished 
mirror,  in  which  Nature  beheld  herself  and  smiled.  The 
standard  of  our  city,  reserved  like  a choice  handkerchief 
for  days  of  gala,  hung  motionless  on  the  flagstaff  which 
forms  the  handle  of  a gigantic  churn  ; and  even  the  tremu- 
lous leaves  of  the  poplar  and  the  aspen  ceased  to  vibrate  to 
the  breath  of  heaven.  Everything  seemed  to  acquiesce  in 
the  profound  repose  of  Nature.  The  formidable  eighteen- 
pounders  slept  in  the  embrasures  of  the  wooden  batteries, 
seemingly  gathering  fresh  strength  to  fight  the  battles  of 
their  country  on  the  next  Fourth  of  July;  the  solitary 
drum  on  Governor’s  Island  forgot  to  call  the  garrison  to 
their  shovels ; the  evening  gun  had  not  yet  sounded  its  sig- 
nal for  all  the  regular  well-meaning  poultry  throughout 
the  country  to  go  to  roost;  and  the  fleet  of  canoes  at  anchor 
between  Gibbet  Island  and  Communipaw  slumbered  on 


116 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


their  rakes  and  suffered  the  innocent  oysters  to  lie  for  a 
while  unmolested  in  the  soft  mud  of  their  native  banks. 
My  own  feelings  sympathized  with  the  contagious  tran- 
quillity, and  I should  infallibly  have  dozed  upon  one  of 
those  fragments  of  benches  which  our  benevolent  magis- 
trates have  provided  for  the  benefit  of  convalescent  loungers 
had  not  the  extraordinary  inconvenience  of  the  couch  set 
all  repose  at  defiance. 

In  the  midst  of  this  slumber  of  the  soul  my  attention 
was  attracted  to  a black  speck  peering  above  the  western 
horizon,  just  in  the  rear  of  Bergen  steeple;  gradually  it 
augments  and  overhangs  the  would-be  cities  of  Jersey, 
Harsimus,  and  Hoboken,  which  like  three  jockeys,  are 
starting  on  the  course  of  existence  and  jostling  each 
other  at  the  commencement  of  the  race.  Now  it  skirts  the 
long  shore  of  ancient  Pavonia,  spreading  its  wide  shadows 
from  the  high  settlements  of  Weehawk  quite  to  the  laza- 
retto and  quarantine,  erected  by  the  sagacity  of  our  police 
for  the  embarrassment  of  commerce;  now  it  climbs  the 
serene  vault  of  heaven,  cloud  rolling  over  cloud,  shrouding 
the  orb  of  day,  darkening  the  vast  expanse,  and  bearing 
thunder  and  hail  and  tempest  in  its  bosom.  The  earth 
seems  agitated  at  the  confusion  of  the  heavens;  the  late 
waveless  mirror  is  lashed  into  furious  waves  that  roll  in 
hollow  murmurs  to  the  shore;  the  oyster-boats  that  erst 
sported  in  the  placid  vicinity  of  Gibbet  Island  now  hurry 
affrighted  to  the  land;  the  poplar  writhes  and  twists  and 
whistles  in  the  blast;  torrents  of  drenching  rain  and  sound- 
ing hail  deluge  the  Battery  walks;  the  gates  are  thronged 
by  apprentices,  servant-maids,  and  little  Frenchmen  with 
pocket  handkerchiefs  over  their  hats,  scampering  from  the 
storm;  the  late  beauteous  prospect  presents  one  scene  of 
anarchy  and  wild  uproar,  as  though  old  Chaos  had  resumed 
his  reign  and  was  hurling  back  into  one  vast  turmoil  the 
conflicting  elements  of  Nature. 

Whether  I fled  from  the  fury  of  the  storm  or  remained 
boldly  at  my  post,  as  our  gallant  train-band  captains,  who 
march  their  soldiers  through  the  rain  without  flinching,  are 
points  which  I leave  to  the  conjecture  of  the  reader.  It  is 
possible  he  may  be  a little  perplexed  also  to  know  the 
reason  why  I introduced  this  tremendous  tempest  to  disturb 
the  serenity  of  my  work.  On  this  latter  point  I will  grat- 
uitously instruct  his  ignorance.  The  panorama  view  of 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


117 


the  Battery  was  given  merely  to  gratify  the  reader  with  a 
correct  description  of  that  celebrated  place  and  the  parts 
adjacent;  secondly,  the  storm  was  played  off  partly  to  give 
a little  bustle  and  life  to  this  tranquil  part  of  mv  work, 
and  to  keep  my  drowsy  readers  from  falling  asleep,  and 
partly  to  serve  as  an  overture  to  the  tempestuous  times 
which  are  about  to  assail  the  pacific  province  of  Nieuw 
Nederlandts,  and  which  overhang  the  slumbrous  adminis- 
tration of  the  renowned  Wouter  Van  Twiller.  It  is  thus 
the  experienced  playwright  puts  all  the  fiddles,  the  French 
horns  the  kettle-drums,  and  trumpets  of  his  orchestra  in 
requisition  to  usher  in  one  of  those  horrible  and  brimstone 
uproars  called  melodramas,  and  it  is  thus  he  discharges  his 
thunder,  his  lightning,  his  rosin,  and  saltpeter  preparatory 
to  the  rising  of  a ghost  or  the  murdering  of  a hero.  We 
will  now  proceed  with  our  history. 

Whatever  may  be  advanced  by  philosophers  to  the  con- 
trary, I am  of  opinion  that  as  to  nations  the  old  maxim, 
that  “Honesty  is  the  best  policy,”  is  a sheer  and  ruinous 
mistake.  It  might  have  answered  well  enough  in  the  hon- 
est times  when  it  was  made;  but  in  these  degenerate  days, 
if  a nation  pretends  to  rely  merely  upon  the  justice  of  its 
dealings,  it  will  fare  something  like  the  honest  man  who 
fell  among  thieves  and  found  his  honesty  a poor  protection 
against  bad  company.  Such,  at  least,  was  the  case  with  the 
guileless  government  of  the  New  Netherlands, which,  like 
a worthy  unsuspicious  old  burgher,  quietly  settled  itself 
down  in  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam  as  into  a snug  elbow- 
chair,  and  fell  into  a comfortable  nap,  while  in  the  mean 
time  its  cunning  neighbors  stepped  in  and  picked  its 
pockets.  In  a word,  we  may  ascribe  the  commencement 
of  all  the  woes  of  this  great  province  and  its  magnificent 
metropolis  to  the  tranquil  security — or,  to  speak  more 
accurately,  to  the  unfortunate  honesty — of  its  government. 
But  as  I dislike  to  begin  an  important  part  of  my  history 
toward  the  end  of  a chapter,  and  as  my  readers,  like  my- 
self, must  doubtless  be  exceedingly  fatigued  with  the  long 
walk  we  have  taken  and  the  tempest  we  have  sustained, 
I hold  it  meet  we  shut  up  the  book,  smoke  a pipe,  and, 
having  thus  refreshed  our  spirits,  take  a fair  start  in  a new 
chapter. 


118 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

FAITHFULLY  DESCRIBING  THE  INGENIOUS  PEOPLE  OF  CON- 
NECTICUT AND  THEREABOUTS — SHOWING,  MOREOVER, 
THE  TRUE  MEANING  OF  LIBERTY  OF  CONSIENCE,  AND 
A CURIOUS  DEVICE  AMONG  THESE  STURDY  BARBARIANS 
TO  KEEP  UP  A HARMONY  OF  INTERCOURSE  AND  PRO- 
MOTE POPULATION. 

That  my  readers  may  the  more  fully  comprehend  the 
extent  of  the  calamity  at  this  very  moment  impending  over 
the  honest,  unsuspecting  province  of  Nieuw  Nederlandts 
and  its  dubious  governer,  it  is  necessary  that  I should  give 
some  account  of  a horde  of  strange  barbarians  bordering 
upon  the  eastern  frontier. 

Now,  so  it  came  to  pass  that  many  years  previous  to  the 
time  of  which  we  are  treating  the  sage  Cabinet  of  England 
had  adopted  a certain  national  creed,  a kind  of  public 
walk  of  faith,  or  rather  a religious  turnpike,  in  which  every 
loyal  subject  was  directed  to  travel  to  Zion,  taking  care  to 
pay  the  toll-gatherers  by  the  way. 

Albeit  a certain  shrewd  race  of  men,  being  very  much 
given  to  indulge  their  own  opinions  on  all  manner  of  sub- 
jects (a  propensity  exceedingly  offensive  to  your  free  gov- 
ernments of  Europe),  did  most  presumptuously  dare  to 
think  for  themselves  in  matters  of  religion,  exercising  what 
they  considered  a natural  and  unextinguishable  right — the 
liberty  of  consience. 

As,  however,  they  possessed  that  ingenuous  habit  of 
mind  which  always  thinks  aloud,  which  rides  cook-a-hoop 
on  the  tongue,  and  is  forever  galloping  into  other  people's 
ears,  it  naturally  followed  that  their  liberty  of  consience 
likewise  implied  liberty  of  speech , which,  being  freely 
indulged,  soon  put  the  country  in  a hubbub  and 
aroused  the  pious  indignation  of  the  vigilant  fathers  of  the 
Church, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


119 


The  usual  methods  were  adopted  to  reclaim  them  which 
in  those  days  were  considered  efficacious  in  bringing  back 
stray  sheep  to  the  fold  ; that  is  to  say,  they  were  coaxed, 
they  were  admonished,  they  were  menaced,  they  were  buf- 
feted : line  upon  line,  precept  upon  precept,  lash  upon 
lash,  here  a little  and  there  a great  deal,  were  exhausted 
without  mercy  and  without  success,  until  the  worthy  pas- 
tors of  the  Church,  wearied  out  by  their  unparalleled  stub- 
bornness, were  driven  in  the  excess  of  their  tender  mercy 
to  adopt  the  Scripture  text  and  literally  to  “heap  live  em- 
bers on  their  heads.” 

Nothing,  however,  could  subdue  that  independence  of 
the  tongue  which  has  ever  distinguished  this  singular  race, 
so  that,  rather  than  subject  that  heroic  member  to  further 
tyranny,  they  one  and  all  embarked  for  the  wilderness 
of  America,  to  enjoy  unmolested  the  inestimable  right 
of  talking.  And,  in  fact,  no  sooner  did  they  land 
upon  the  shore  of  this  free-spoken  country  than  they 
all  lifted  up  their  voices  and  made  such  a clamor  of 
tongues  that  we  are  told  they  frightened  every  bird  and 
beast  out  of  the  neighborhood,  and  struck  such  mute  ter- 
ror into  certain  fish  that  they  have  been  called  dumb-fish 
ever  since. 

This  may  appear  marvelous,  but  it  is,  nevertheless, 
true,  in  proof  of  which  I would  observe  that  the  dumb-fish 
has  ever  since  become  an  object  of  superstitious  reverence 
and  forms  the  Saturday’s  dinner  of  every  true  Yankee. 

The  simple  aborigines  of  the  land  for  a while  contem- 
plated these  strange  folk  in  utter  astonishment,  but  dis- 
covering that  they  wielded  harmless  though  noisy  weapons, 
and  were  a lively,  ingenious,  good-humored  race  of  men, 
they  became  very  friendly  and  sociable,  and  gave  them  the 
name  of  Yanokies,  which  in  the  Mais-Tchusaeg  (or  Massa- 
chusett)  language  signifies  silent  men — a waggish  appella- 
tion since  shortened  into  the  familiar  epithet  of  Yankees, 
which  they  retain  unto  the  present  day. 

True  it  is — and  my  fidelity  as  a historian  will  not  allow 
me  to  pass  over  the  fact — that,  having  served  a regular 
apprenticeship  in  the  school  of  persecution,  these  ingen- 
ious people  soon  showed  that  they  had  become  masters  of 
the  art.  The  great  majority  were  of  one  particular  mode 
of  thinking  in  matters  of  religion  ; but  to  their  great  sur- 
prise and  indignation  they  found  that  divers  papists, 


120 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


quakers,  and  anabaptists  were  springing  up  among  them, 
and  all  claiming  to  use  the  liberty  of  speech.  This  was  at 
once  pronounced  a daring  abuse  of  the  liberty  of  con- 
science, which  they  now  insisted  was  nothing  more  than 
the  liberty  to  think  as  one  pleased  in  matters  of  religion — 
provided  one  thought  right;  for  otherwise  it  would  be  giv- 
ing a latitude  to  damnable  heresies.  Now,  as  they,  the 
majority,  were  convinced  that  they  alone  thought  right, 
it  consequently  followed  that  whoever  thought  different 
from  them  thought  wrong  ; and  whoever  thought  wrong 
and  obstinately  persisted  in  not  being  convinced  and  con- 
verted, was  a flagrant  violator  of  the  inestimable  liberty  of 
conscience,  and  a corrupt  and  infectious  member  of  the 
body  politic,  and  deserved  to  be  lopped  off  and  cast  into 
the  fire.  The  consequence  of  all  which  was  a fiery  perse- 
cution of  divers  sects,  and  especially  of  quakers. 

Now,  I’ll  warrant  there  are  hosts  of  my  readers  ready  at 
once  to  lift  up  their  hands  and  eyes  with  that  virtuous  in- 
dignation with  which  we  contemplate  the  faults  and  errors 
of  our  neighbors,  and  to  exclaim  at  the  preposterous  idea 
of  convincing  the  mind  by  tormenting  the  body  and  estab- 
lishing the  doctrine  of  charity  and  forbearance  by  intoler- 
ant persecution.  But,  in  simple  truth,  what  are  we  doing 
at  this  very  day  and  in  this  very  enlightened  nation  but 
acting  upon  the  very  same  principle  in  our  political  con- 
troversies? Have  we  not  within  but  a few  years  released 
ourselves  from  the  shackles  of  a government  which  cruelly 
denied  us  the  privilege  of  governing  ourselves  and  using 
in  full  latitude  that  invaluable  member,  the  tongue  ? and 
are  we  not  at  this  very  moment  striving  our  best  to  tyran- 
nize over  the  opinions,  tie  up  the  tongues,  and  ruin  the 
fortunes  of  one  another?  What  are  our  great  political  so- 
cieties but  mere  political  inquisitions — our  pot-house  com- 
mittees but  little  tribunals  of  denunciation — our  news- 
papers but  mere  whipping -posts  and  pillories  where 
unfortunate  individuals  are  pelted  with  rotten  eggs — and 
our  council  of  appointment  but  a grand  auto  da  fe, 
where  culprits  are  annually  sacrificed  for  their  political 
heresies  ? 

Where,  then,  is  the  difference  in  principle  between  our 
measures  and  those  you  are  so  ready  to  condemn  among 
the  people  I am  treating  of?  There  is  none;  the  differ 
ence  is  merely  circumstantial.  Thus  we  denounco  instead  of 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


121 


banishing — we  lid  el,  instead  of  scourging — we  turn  out  of 
office,  instead  of  hanging — and  where  they  burnt  an  of- 
fender in  proper  person,  we  either  tar  and  feather  or  burn 
him  in  effigy,  this  political  persecution  being,  somehow  or 
other,  the  grand  palladium  of  our  liberties  and  an  incon- 
trovertible proof  that  this  is  a free  country ! 

But  notwithstanding  the  fervent  zeal  with  which  this 
holy  war  was  prosecuted  against  the  whole  race  of  unbe- 
lievers, we  do  not  find  that  the  population  of  this  new  col- 
ony was  in  any  wise  hindered  thereby;  on  the  contrary, 
they  multiplied  to  a degree  which  would  be  incredible  to 
any  man  unacquainted  with  the  marvelous  fecundity  of 
this  growing  country. 

This  amazing  increase  may  indeed  be  partly  ascribed  to 
a singular  custom  prevalent  among  them,  commonly 
known  by  the  name  of  bundling — a superstitious  rite  ob- 
served by  the  young  people  of  both  sexes,  with  which  they 
usually  terminated  their  festivities,  and  which  was  kept  up 
with  religious  strictness  by  the  more  bigoted  part  of  the 
community.  This  ceremony  was  likewise,  in  those  primitive 
times,  considered  as  an  indispensable  preliminary  to  matri- 
mony, their  courtships  commencing  where  ours  usually  fin- 
ish, by  which  means  they  acquired  that  intimate  acquaint- 
ance with  each  other’s  good  qualities  before  marriage 
which  has  been  pronounced  by  philosophers  the  sure  basis 
of  a happy  union.  Thus  early  did  this  cunning  and  in- 
genious people  display  a shrewdness  of  making  a bargain 
which  has  ever  since  distinguished  them,  and  a strict  ad- 
herence to  the  good  old  vulgar  maxim  about  “ buying  a 
pig  in  a poke.” 

To  this  sagacious  custom,  therefore,  do  I chiefly  attri- 
bute the  unparalleled  increase  of  the  Yanokie  or  Yankee 
race;  for  it  is  a certain  fact,  well  authenticated  by  court 
records  and  parish  registers,  that  wherever  the  practice  of 
bundling  prevailed  there  was  an  amazing  number  of  sturdy 
brats  annually  born  unto  the  state  without  the  license  of  the 
law  or  the  benefit  of  clergy.  Neither  did  the  irregularity 
of  their  birth  operate  in  the  least  to  their  disparagement. 
On  the  contrary,  they  grew  up  a long-sided,  raw-boned, 
hardy  race  of  whoreson  whalers,  woodcutters,  fishermen, 
and  peddlers,  and  strapping  corn-fed  wenches,  who  by 
their  united  efforts  tended  marvelously  toward  peopling 
those  notable  tracts  of  country  called  Nantucket,  Piscata- 
way,  and  Cape  Cod. 


122 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

HOW  THESE  SINGULAR  BARBARIANS  TURNED  OUT  TO  BE 

NOTORIOUS  SQUATTERS — HOW  THEY  BUILT  AIR-CASTLES 

AND  ATTEMPTED  TO  INITIATE  THE  NEDERLANDERS  INTO 

THE  MYSTERY  OF  BUNDLING. 

In  the  last  chapter  I have  given  a faithful  and  unpreju- 
diced account  of  the  origin  of  that  singular  race  of  people 
inhabiting  the  country  eastward  of  the  Nieuw  Nederland ts; 
but  I have  yet  to  mention  certain  peculiar  habits  which 
rendered  them  exceedingly  anno}dng  to  our  ever-honored 
Dutch  ancestors. 

The  most  prominent  of  these  was  a certain  rambling  pro 
pensity  with  which,  like  the  sons  of  Ishmael,  they  seem  to 
have  been  gifted  by  Heaven,  and  which  continually  goads 
them  on  to  shift  their  residence  from  place  to  place,  so  that 
a Yankee  farmer  is  in  a constant  state  of  migration,  tarry - 
ing  occasionally  here  and  there,  clearing  lands  for  other 
people  to  enjoy,  building  houses  for  others  to  inhabit,  and 
in  a manner  may  be  considered  the  wandering  Arab  of 
America. 

His  first  thought  on  coming  to  the  years  of  manhood  is 
to  settle  himself  in  the  world,  which  means  nothing  more 
nor  less  than  to  begin  his  rambles.  To  this  end  he  takes 
unto  himself  for  a wife  some  buxom  country  heiress,  pass- 
ing rich  in  red  ribbons,  glass  beads,  and  mock  tortoise-shell 
combs,  with  a white  gown  and  morocco  shoes  for  Sunday, 
and  deeply  skilled  in  the  mystery  of  making  apple  sweet- 
meats, long  sauce,  and  pumpkin  pie. 

Having  thus  provided  himself,  like  a peddler,  with  a 
heavy  knapsack  wherewith  to  regale  his  shoulders  through 
the  journey  of  life,  he  literally  sets  out  on  the  peregrin- 
ation. His  whole  family,  household  furniture,  and  farming 
utensils  are  hoisted  into  a covered  cart;  his  own  and  his  wife's 
wardrobe  packed  up  in  a firkin,  which  done,  he  shoulders 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


123 


his  ax,  takes  staff  in  hand,  whistles  “ Yankee  Doodle,” 
and  trudges  off  to  the  woods,  as  confident  of  the  protection 
of  Providence  and  relying  as  cheerfully  upon  his  ow n re- 
sources as  did  ever  a patriarch  of  yore  when  he  journeyed 
into  a strange  country  of  the  Gentiles.  Having  buried 
himself  in  the  wilderness,  he  builds  himself  a log  hut, 
clears  away  a cornfield  and  potato-patch,  and,  Providence 
smiling  upon  his  labors,  is  soon  surrounded  by  a snug  farm 
and  some  half  a score  of  flaxen-headed  urchins,  who  by 
their  size  seem  to  have  sprung  all  at  once  out  of  the  earth, 
like  a crop  of  toadstools. 

But  it  is  not  the  nature  of  this  most  indefatigable  of 
speculators  to  rest  contented  with  any  state  of  sublunary 
enjoyment:  improvement  is  his  darling  passion,  and  having 
thus  improved  his  lands,  the  next  care  is  to  provide  a man- 
sion worthy  the  residence  of  a landholder.  A huge  palace 
of  pine  boards  immediately  springs  up  in  the  midst  of  the 
wilderness,  large  enough  for  a parish  church,  and  furnished 
with  windows  of  all  dimensions,  but  so  rickety  and  flimsy 
withal  that  every  blast  gives  it  a fit  of  the  ague. 

By  the  time  the  outside  of  this  mighty  air-castle  is  com- 
pleted either  the  funds  or  the  zeal  of  our  adventurer  are 
exhausted,  so  that  he  barely  manages  to  half  finish  one 
room  within,  where  the  whole  family  burrow  together,  while 
the  rest  of  the  house  is  devoted  to  the  curing  of  pumpkins 
or  storing  of  carrots  and  potatoes,  and  is  decorated  with 
fanciful  festoons  of  dried  apples  and  peaches.  The  out- 
side, remaining  unpainted,  grows  venerably  black  with 
time,  the  family  wardrobe  is  laid  under  contribution  for 
old  hats,  petticoats,  and  breeches  to  stuff  into  the  broken 
windows,  while  the  four  winds  of  heaven  keep  up  a 
whistling  and  howling  about  this  aerial  palace  and  play  as 
many  unruly  gambols  as  they  did  of  yore  in  the  cave  of 
old  H2olus. 

The  humble  log  hut,  which  whilom  nestled  this  improv- 
ing family  snugly  within  its  narrow  but  comfortable  walls, 
stands  hard  by  in  ignominious  contrast,  degraded  into  a 
cow-house  or  pig-sty;  and  the  whole  scene  reminds  one 
forcibly  of  a fable,  which  I am  surprised  has  never  been 
recorded,  of  an  aspiring  snail  who  abandoned  his  humble 
habitation,  which  he  had  long  filled  with  great  respecta- 
bility, to  crawl  into  the  empty  shell  of  a lobster,  where  he 
would  no  doubt  have  resided  with  great  style  and  splendor, 


124 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


the  envy  and  the  hate  of  all  the  painstaking  snails  in  the 
neighborhood,  had4he  not  perished  with  cold  in  one  corner 
of  his  stupendous  mansion. 

Being  thus  completely  settled,  and,  to  use  his  own  words, 
“ to  rights,"  one  would  imagine  that  he  would  begin  to 
enjoy  the  comforts  of  his  situation,  to  read  newspapers, 
talk  politics,  neglect  his  own  business,  and  attend  to  the 
affairs  of  the  nation,  like  a useful  and  patriotic  citizen  ; 
but  now  it  is  that  his  wayward  disposition  begins  again  to 
operate.  He  soon  grows  tired  of  a spot  where  there  is  no 
longer  any  room  for  improvement — sells  his  farm,  air-cas- 
tle, petticoat  windows  and  all,  reloads  his  cart,  shoulders 
his  ax,  puts  himself  at  the  head  of  his  family,  and  wan- 
ders away  in  search  of  new  lands — again  to  fell  trees,  again 
to  clear  cornfields,  again  to  build  a shingle  palace,  and 
again  to  sell  off  and  wander. 

Such  were  the  people  of  Connecticut  who  bordered  upon 
the  eastern  frontier  of  New  Netherlands,  and  my  readers 
may  easily  imagine  what  uncomfortable  neighbors  this 
light-hearted  but  restless  tribe  must  have  been  to  our 
tranquil  progenitors.  If  they  cannot,  I would  ask  them 
if  they  have  ever  known  one  of  our  regular,  well-organ- 
ized Dutch  families  whom  it  hath  pleased  Heaven  to  afflict 
with  the  neighborhood  of  a French  boarding-house  ? The 
honest  old  burgher  cannot  take  his  afternoon's  pipe  on 
the  bench  before  his  door  but  he  is  persecuted  with  the 
scraping  of  fiddles,  the  chattering  of  women,  and  the 
squalling  of  children  ; he  cannot  sleep  at  night  for  the 
horrible  melodies  of  some  amateur  who  chooses  to  sere- 
nade the  moon  and  display  his  terrible  proficiency  in  exe- 
cution on  the  clarionet,  hautboy,  or  some  other  soft-toned 
instrument;  nor  can  he  leave  the  street  door  open  but  his 
house  is  defiled  by  the  unsavory  visits  of  a troop  of  pup 
dogs,  who  even  sometimes  carry  their  loathsome  ravages 
into  the  sanctum-sanctorum,  the  parlor! 

If  my  readers  have  ever  witnessed  the  sufferings  of  such 
a family,  so  situated,  they  may  form  some  idea  how  our 
worthy  ancestors  were  distressed  by  their  mercurial  neigh- 
bors of  Connecticut. 

Gangs  of  these  marauders,  we  are  told,  penetrated  into 
the  New  Netherland  settlements,  and  threw  whole  villages 
into  consternation  by  their  unparalleled  volubility  and 
their  intolerable  inquisitiveness — two  evil  habits  hitherto 
unknown  in  those  parts  or  only  known  to  be  abhorred  j 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


125 


for  our  ancestors  were  noted  as  being  men  of  truly  Spartan 
taciturnity,  and  who  neither  knew  nor  cared  aught  about 
anybody’s  concerns  but  their  own.  Many  enormities  were 
committed  on  the  highways,  where  several  unoffending 
burghers  were  brought  to  a stand  and  tortured  with  ques- 
tions and  guesses,  which  outrages  occasioned  as  much  vex- 
ation and  heartburning  as  does  the  modern  right  of  search 
on  the  high  seas. 

Great  jealousy  did  they  likewise  stir  up  by  their  inter- 
meddling and  success  among  the  divine  sex  ; for,  being  a 
race  of  brisk,  likely,  pleasant-tongued  varlets,  they  soon 
seduced  the  light  affections  of  the  simple  damsels  from 
their  ponderous  Dutch  gallants.  Among  other  hideous 
customs,  they  attempted  to  introduce  among  them  that  of 
bundling , which  the  Dutch  lasses  of  the  Nederlandts,  with 
that  eager  passion  for  novelty  and  foreign  fashions  natural 
to  their  sex,  seemed  very  well  inclined  to  follow,  but  that 
their  mothers,  being  more  experienced  in  the  world  and 
better  acquainted  with  men  and  things,  strenuously  dis- 
countenanced all  such  outlandish  innovations. 

But  what  chiefly  operated  to  embroil  our  ancestors  with 
these  strange  folk  was  an  unwarrantable  liberty  which 
they  occasionally  took  of  entering  in  hordes  into  the  terri- 
tories of  the  New  Netherlands,  and  settling  themselves 
down,  without  leave  or  license,  to  improve  the  land  in  the 
manner  I have  before  noticed.  This  unceremonious  mode 
of  taking  possession  of  new  land  was  technically  termed 
squatting , and  hence  is  derived  the  appellation  of  squatters 
— a name  odious  in  the  ears  of  all  great  landholders,  and 
which  is  given  to  those  enterprising  worthies  who  seize 
upon  land  first,  and  take  their  chance  to  make  good  their 
title  to  it  afterward. 

All  these  grievances,  and  many  others  which  were  con- 
stantly accumulating,  tended  to  form  that  dark  and  por- 
tentous cloud  which,  as  I observed  in  a former  chapter, 
was  slowly  gathering  over  the  tranquil  province  of  New 
Netherlands.  The  pacific  cabinet  of  Van  Twiller,  how- 
ever, as  will  be  perceived  in  the  sequel,  bore  them  all  with 
a magnanimity  that  redounds  to  their  immortal  credit,  be- 
coming by  passive  endurance  inured  to  this  increasing 
mass  of  wrongs;  like  that  mighty  man  of  old  who,  by 
dint  of  carrying  about  a calf  from  the  time  it  was  born, 
continued  to  carry  it  without  difficulty  when  it  had  grown 
to  be  an  ox. 


126 


HISTORY  OF  NR  W YORK 


CHAPTER  IX. 

HOW  THE  FORT  GOED  HOOP  WAS  FEARFULLY  BELEAG- 
UERED — HOW  THE  RENOWNED  WOUTER  FELL  INTO  A 

PROFOUND  DOUBT,  AND  HOW  HE  FINALLY  EVAPORATED. 

By  this  time  my  readers  must  fully  perceive  what  an 
arduous  task  I have  undertaken,  exploring  a little  kind  of 
Herculaneum  of  history  which  had  lain  nearly  for  ages 
buried  under  the  rubbish  of  years,  and  almost  totally  for- 
gotten; raking  up  the  limbs  and  fragments  of  disjointed 
facts,  and  endeavoring  to  put  them  scrupulously  together, 
so  as  to  restore  them  to  their  original  form  and  connection; 
now  lugging  forth  the  character  of  an  almost  forgotten 
hero,  like  a mutilated  statue  ; now  deciphering  a half- 
defaced  inscription  ; and  now  lighting  upon  a moldering 
manuscript,  which,  after  painful  study,  scarce  repays  the 
trouble  of  perusal. 

In  such  case  how  much  has  the  reader  to  depend  upon 
the  honor  and  probity  of  his  author,  lest,  like  a cunning 
antiquarian,  he  either  impose  upon  him  some  spurious  fab- 
rication of  his  own  for  a precious  relic  from  antiquity,  or 
else  dress  up  the  dismembered  fragment  with  such  false 
trappings  that  it  is  scarcely  possible  to  distinguish  the 
truth  from  the  fiction  with  which  it  is  enveloped!  This  is 
a grievance  which  I have  more  than  once  had  to  lament  in 
the  course  of  my  wearisome  researches  among  the  works  of 
my  fellow  historians,  who  have  strangely  disguised  and  dis- 
torted the  facts  respecting  this  country,  and  particularly 
respecting  the  great  province  of  New  Netherlands,  as  will 
be  perceived  by  any  who  will  take  the  trouble  to  compare 
their  romantic  effusions,  tricked  out  in  the  meretricious 
gauds  of  fable,  with  this  authentic  history. 

I have  had  more  vexations  of  the  kind  to  encounter  in 
those  parts  of  my  history  which  treat  of  the  transactions  on 
the  eastern  border  than  in  any  other,  in  consequence  of  the 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


127 


troops  of  historians  who  have  infested  those  quarters,  and 
have  shown  the  honest  people  of  Nieuw  Nederlandts  no 
mercy  in  their  works.  Among  the  rest,  Mr.  Benjamin 
Trumbull  arrogantly  declares  that  “ the  Dutch  were  always 
mere  intruders.”  Now,  to  this  I shall  make  no  other  reply 
than  to  proceed  in  the  steady  narration  of  my  history,  which 
will  contain  not  only  proofs  that  the  Dutch  had  clear  title 
and  possession  in  the  fair  valleys  of  the  Connecticut,  and 
that  they  were  wrongfully  dispossessed  thereof,  but  like- 
wise that  they  have  been  scandalously  maltreated  ever  since 
by  the  misrepresentations  of  the  crafty  historians  of  New 
England.  And  in  this  I shall  be  guided  by  a spirit  of 
truth  and  impartiality,  and  a regard  to  immortal  fame, 
for  I would  not  wittingly  dishonor  my  work  by  a single 
falsehood,  misrepresentation,  or  prejudice,  though  it  should 
gain  our  forefathers  the  whole  country  of  New  England. 

I have  already  noticed  in  a former  chapter  of  my  history 
that  the  territories  of  the  Nieuw  Nederland ts  extended  on 
theeast  quite  to  the  Varshe,  or  Fresh,  or  Connecticut  River. 
Here,  at  an  early  period,  had  been  established  a frontier 
post  on  the  bank  of  the  river,  and  called  Fort  Goed  Hoop, 
not  far  from  the  site  of  the  present  fair  city  of  Hartford. 
It  was  placed  under  the  command  of  Jacobus  Van  Curlet 
(or  Curbs,  as  some  historians  will  have  it) — a doughty 
soldier  of  that  stomachful  class  famous  for  eating  all  they 
kill.  He  was  long  in  the  body  and  short  in  the  limb,  as 
though  a tall  man's  body  had  been  mounted  on  a little 
man's  legs.  He  made  up  for  this  turnspit  construction  by 
striding  to  such  an  extent  that  you  would  have  sworn  he 
had  on  the  seven-leagued  boots  of  Jack  the  Giant-killer 
and  so  high  did  he  tread  on  parade  that  his  soldiers  were 
sometimes  alarmed  lest  he  should  trample  himself  under 
foot. 

But  notwithstanding  the  erection  of  this  fort  and  the 
appointment  of  this  ugly  little  man  of  war  as  commander, 
the  Yankees  continued  the  interlopings  hinted  at  in  my 
last  chapter,  and  at  length  had  the  audacity  to  squat 
themselves  down  within  the  jurisdiction  of  Fort  Goed 
Hoop. 

The  long-bodied  Van  Curlet  protested  with  great  spirit 
against  these  unwarrantable  encroachments,  couching  his 
protest  in  Low  Dutch  byway  of  inspiring  more  terror,  and 
forthwith  dispatched  a copy  of  the  protest  to  the  governor 


128 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


at  New  Amsterdam,  together  with  a long  and  bitter  ac- 
count of  the  aggressions  of  the  enemy.  This  done,  he 
ordered  his  men,  one  and  all,  to  be  of  good  cheer,  shut  the 
gate  of  the  fort,  smoked  three  pipes,  went  to  bed,  and 
awaited  the  result  with  a resolute  and  intrepid  tranquillity 
that  greatly  animated  his  adherents,  and  no  doubt  struck 
sore  dismay  and  affright  into  the  hearts  of  the  enemy. 

Now,  it  came  to  pass  that  about  this  time  the  renowned 
Wouter  Van  Twiller,  full  of  years  and  honors  anci  council 
dinners,  had  reached  that  period  of  life  and  faculty  which, 
according  to  the  great  Gulliver,  entitles  a man  to  admiss- 
ion into  the  ancient  order  of  Struldbruggs.  He  employed 
his  time  in  smoking  his  Turkish  pipe  amid  an  assemblage 
of  sages  equally  enlightened  and  nearly  as  venerable  as  him- 
self, and  who,  for  their  silence,  their  gravity,  their  wisdom, 
and  their  cautious  averseness  to  coming  to  any  conclusion 
in  business,  are  only  to  be  equalled  by  certain  profound 
corporations  which  I have  known  in  my  time.  Upon  read- 
ing the  protest  of  the  gallant  Jacobus  Van  Curlet,  there- 
fore, his  excellency  fell  straightway  into  one  of  the  deepest 
doubts  that  ever  he  was  known  to  encounter;  his  capacious 
head  gradually  drooped  on  his  chest,  he  closed  his  eyes  and 
inclined  his  ear  to  one  side,  as  if  listening  with  great  atten- 
tion to  the  discussion  that  was  going  on  in  his  belly,  and 
which  all  who  knew  him  declared  to  be  the  huge  court- 
house or  council-chamber  of  his  thoughts,  forming  to  his 
head  what  the  house  of  representatives  does  to  the  senate. 
An  inarticulate  sound,  very  much  resembling  a snore,  occa- 
sionally escaped  him,  but  the  nature  of  this  internal  cogi- 
tation was  never  known,  as  he  never  opened  his  lips  on  the 
subject  to  man,  woman,  or  child.  In  the  meantime,  the 
protest  of  Van  Curlet  laid  quietly  on  the  table,  where  it 
served  to  light  the  pipes  of  the  venerable  sages  assembled 
in  council;  and  in  the  great  smoke  which  they  raised  the 
gallant  Jacobus,  his  protest,  and  his  mighty  Fort  Goed 
Hoop  were  soon  as  completly  beclouded  and  forgotten  as 
is  a question  of  emergency  swallowed  up  in  the  speeches 
and  resolutions  of  a modern  session  of  Congress. 

There  are  certain  emergencies  when  your  profound  legis- 
lators and  sage  deliberative  councils  are  mightily  in  the 
way  of  a nation,  and  when  an  ounce  of  hairbrained  decis- 
ion is  worth  a pound  of  sage  doubt  and  cautious  discus- 
sion. Such,  at  least,  was  the  case  at  present;  for  while 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


129 


the  renowned  Wouter  Van  Twiller  was  daily  battling 
with  his  doubts,  and  his  resolution  growing  weaker  and 
weaker  in  the  contest,  the  enemy  pushed  farther  and 
farther  into  his  territories,  and  assumed  a most  formida- 
ble appearance  in  the  neighborhood  of  Fort  Goed  Hoop. 
Here  they  founded  the  mighty  town  of  Pyquag , or,  as  it 
has  since  been  called.  Weather sfield,  a place  which,  if  we 
may  credit  the  assertions  of  that  worthy  historian  John 
Josselyn,  Gent.,  “ hath  been  infamous  by  reason  of  the 
witches  therein.”  And  so  daring  did  these  men  of  Pyquag 
become  that  they  extended  those  plantations  of  onions  for 
which  their  town  is  illustrious  under  the  very  noses  of  the 
garrison  of  Fort  Goed  Hoop,  insomuch  that  the  honest 
Dutchmen  could  not  look  toward  that  quarter  without 
tears  in  their  eyes. 

This  crying  injustice  was  regarded  with  proper  indigna- 
tion by  the  gallant  Jacobus  Van  Curlet.  He  absolutely 
trembled  with  the  violence  of  his  choler  and  the  exacerba- 
tions of  his  valor;  which  were  the  more  turbulent  in  their 
workings  from  the  length  of  the  body  in  which  they  were 
agitated.  He  forthwith  proceeded  to  strengthen  his  re- 
doubts, heighten  his  breastworks,  deepen  his  fosse,  and 
fortify  his  position  with  a double  row  of  abattis ; after 
which  he  dispatched  a fresh  courier  with  accounts  of  his 
perilous  situation. 

The  courier  chosen  to  bear  the  despatches  was  a fat,  oily 
little  man,  as  being  less  liable  to  be  worn  out  or  to  lose 
leather  on  the  journey  ; and  to  insure  his  speed  he  was 
mounted  on  the  fleetest  wagon-horse  in  the  garrison,  re- 
markable for  length  of  limb,  largeness  of  bone,  and  hard- 
ness of  trot,  and  so  tall  that  the  little  messenger  was 
obliged  to  climb  on  his  back  by  means  of  his  tail  and  crup- 
per. Such  extraordinary  speed  did  he  make  that  he  ar- 
rived at  Fort  Amsterdam  in  a little  less  than  a month, 
though  the  distance  was  full  two  hundred  pipes,  or  about 
one  hundred  and  twenty  miles. 

With  an  appearance  of  great  hurry  and  business,  and 
smoking  a short  traveling-pipe,  he  proceeded  on  a long 
swing  trot  through  the  muddy  lanes  of  the  metropolis,  de- 
molishing whole  batches  of  dirt  pies  which  the  little  Dutch 
children  were  making  in  the  road,  and  for  which  kind  of 
pastry  the  children  of  this  city  have  ever  been  famous.  On 
arriving  at  the  governor's  house  he  climbed  down  from  his 


130 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK, 


steed;  roused  the  gray-headed  doorkeeper,  oldSkaats,  who, 
like  his  lineal  descendant  and  faithful  representative,  the 
venerable  crier  of  our  court,  was  nodding  at  his  post ; rat- 
tled at  the  door  of  the  council-chamber,  and  startled  the 
members  as  they  were  dozing  over  a plan  for  establishing  a 
public  market. 

At  that  very  moment  a gentle  grunt,  or  rather  a deep- 
drawn  snore,  was  heard  from  the  chair  of  the  governor  ; a 
whiff  of  smoke  was  at  the  same  instant  observed  to  escape 
from  his  lips  and  a light  cloud  to  ascend  from  the  bowl  of 
his  pipe.  The  council,  of  course,  supposed  him  engaged 
in  deep  sleep  for  the  good  of  the  community,  and,  according 
to  custom  in  all  such  cases  established,  every  man  bawled 
out  silence,  when,  of  a sudden,  the  door  flew  open,  and  the 
little  courier  straddled  into  the  apartment,  cased  to  the 
middle  in  a pair  of  Hessian  boots,  which  he  had  got  into 
for  the  sake  of  expedition.  In  his  right  hand  he  held 
forth  the  ominous  despatches,  and  with  his  left  he  grasped 
firmly  the  waistband  of  his  galligaskins,  which  had  unfor- 
tunately given  way  in  the  exertion  of  descending  from  his 
horse.  He  stumped  resolutely  up  to  the  governor,  and 
with  more  hurry  than  perspicuity  delivered  his  message. 
But,  fortunately,  his  ill  tidings  came  too  late  to  ruffle  the 
tranquillity  of  this  most  tranquil  of  rulers.  His  venera- 
ble excellency  had  just  breathed  and  smoked  his  last,  his 
lungs  and  his  pipe  having  been  exhausted  together,  and 
his  peaceful  soul  having  escaped  in  the  last  whiff  that 
curled  from  his  tobacco  pipe.  In  a word,  the  renowned 
Walter  the  Doubter,  who  had  so  often  slumbered  with  his 
contemporaries,  now  slept  with  his  fathers,  and  Wilhelmus 
Kieft  governed  in  his  stead. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


131 


BOOK  IV. 

CONTAINING  THE  CHRONICLES  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  WILL- 
IAM THE  TESTY. 


CHAPTER  I. 

SHOWING  THE  NATURE  OF  HISTORY  IN  GENERAL  ; CON- 
TAINING FURTHERMORE  THE  UNIVERSAL  ACQUIRE- 
MENTS OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY,  AND  HOW  A MAN  MAY 
LEARN  SO  MUCH  AS  TO  RENDER  HIMSELF  GOOD  FOR 
NOTHING. 

When  the  lofty  Thucydides  is  about  to  enter  upon  his 
description  of  the  plague  that  desolated  Athens,  one  of  his 
modern  commentators  assures  the  reader  that  the  history  is 
now  going  to  be  exceeding  solemn,  serious  and  pathetic, 
and  hints,  with  that  air  of  chuckling  gratulation  with 
which  a good  dame  draws  forth  a choice  morsel  from  a 
cupboard  to  regale  a favorite,  that  this  plague  will  give  his 
history  a most  agreeable  variety. 

In  like  manner  did  my  heart  leap  within  me  when  I came 
to  the  dolorous  dilemma  of  Fort  Good  Hope,  which  I at 
once  perceived  to  be  the  forerunner  of  a series  of  great 
events  and  entertaining  disasters.  Such  are  the  true  sub- 
jects for  the  historic  pen.  For  what  is  history,  in  fact,  but 
a kind  of  Newgate  Calendar,  a register  of  the  crimes  and 
miseries  that  man  has  inflicted  on  his  fellow  man?  It  is  a 
huge  libel  on  human  nature,  to  which  we  industriously  add 
page  after  page,  volume  after  volume,  as  if  we  were  build- 
ing up  a monument  to  the  honor  rather  than  the  infamy 
of  our  species.  If  we  turn  over  the  pages  of  these  chron- 
icles that  man  has  written  of  himself,  what  are  the  char- 
acters dignified  by  the  appellation  of  great  and  held  up  to 


132 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK \ 


the  admiration  of  posterity?  Tyrants,  robbers,  conquerors, 
renowned  only  for  the  magnitude  of  their  misdeeds  and 
the  stupendous  wrongs  and  miseries  they  have  inflicted  on 
mankind — warriors  who  have  hired  themselves  to  the 
trade  of  blood,  not  from  motives  of  virtuous  patriotism 
or  to  protect  the  injured  and  defenseless,  but  merely  to 
gain  the  vaunted  glory  of  being  adroit  and  successful  in 
massacring  their  fellow  beings  ? What  are  the  great 
events  that  constitute  a glorious  era  ? The  fall  of  em- 
pires, the  desolation  of  happy  countries,  splendid  cities 
smoking  in  their  ruins,  the  proudest  works  of  art  tumbled 
in  the  dust,  the  shrieks  and  groans  of  whole  nations  as- 
cending unto  heaven! 

It  is  thus  the  historian  may  be  said  to  thrive  on  the 
miseries  of  mankind,  like  birds  of  prey  which  hover  over 
the  field  of  battle  to  fatten  on  the  mighty  dead.  It 
was  observed  by  a great  projector  of  inland  lock  navigation 
that  rivers,  lakes  and  oceans  were  only  formed  to  feed 
canals.  In  like  manner,  I am  tempted  to  believe,  that 
plots,  conspiracies  wars,  victories  and  massacres  are  or- 
dained by  Providence  only  as  food  for  the  historian. 

It  is  a source  of  great  delight  to  the  philosopher,  in 
studying  the  wonderful  economy  of  nature,  to  trace  the 
mutual  dependencies  of  things  — how  they  are  created 
reciprocally  for  each  other,  and  how  the  most  noxious  and 
apparently  unnecessary  animal  has  its  uses.  Thus  those 
swarms  of  flies,  which  are  so  often  execrated  as  useless  ver- 
min, are  created  for  the  sustenance  of  spiders,  and  spiders, 
on  the  other  hand,  are  evidently  made  to  devour  flies.  So 
those  heroes  who  have  been  such  scourges  to  the  world 
were  bounteously  provided  as  themes  for  the  poet  and  his- 
torian, while  the  poet  and  the  historian  were  destined  to 
record  the  achievements  of  heroes! 

These  and  many  similar  reflections  naturally  arose  in  my 
mind  as  I took  up  my  pen  to  commence  the  reign  of  Will- 
iam Kieft ; for  now  the  stream  of  our  history,  which 
hitherto  has  rolled  in  a tranquil  current,  is  about  to  depart 
forever  from  its  peaceful  haunts  and  brawl  through  many 
a turbulent  and  rugged  scene. 

As  some  sleek  ox,  sunk  in  the  rich  repose  of  a clover- 
field,  dozing  and  chewing  the  cud,  will  bear  repeated  blows 
before  it  raises  itself,  so  the  province  of  Nieuw  Neder- 
landts,  having  waxed  fat  under  the  drowsy  reign  of  the 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


133 


doubter,  needed  cuffs  and  kicks  to  rouse  it  into  action. 
The  reader  will  now  witness  the  manner  in  which  a peace- 
ful community  advances  toward  a state  of  war,  which  is 
apt  to  be  like  the  approach  of  a horse  to  a drum,  with 
much  prancing  and  little  progress,  and  too  often  with  the 
wrong  end  foremost. 

Wilhelmus  Kieft,  who  in  1634  ascended  the  guberna- 
torial chair  (to  borrow  a favorite  though  clumsy  appella- 
tion of  modern  phraseologists),  was  of  a lofty  descent,  his 
father  being  inspector  of  windmills  in  the  ancient  town  of 
Saardam  ; and  our  hero,  we  are  told,  when  a boy  made 
very  curious  investigations  into  the  nature  and  operation 
of  these  machines,  which  was  one  reason  why  he  afterward 
came  to  be  so  ingenious  a governor.  His  name,  according 
to  the  most  authentic  etymologists,  was  a corruption  of 
Kyver — that  is  to  say,  a wrangler  or  scolder — and  ex- 
pressed the  characteristic  of  his  family,  which  for  nearly 
two  centuries  had  kept  the  windy  town  of  Saardam  in  hot 
water,  and  produced  more  tartars  and  brimstones  than  any 
ten  families  in  the  place  ; and  so  truly  did  he  inherit  this 
family  peculiarity  that  he  had  not  been  a year  in  the  gov- 
ernment of  the  province  before  he  was  universally  denom- 
inated William  the  Testy.  His  appearance  answered  to 
his  name.  He  was  a brisk,  wiry, waspish  little  old  gentleman; 
such  a one  as  may  now  and  then  be  seen  stumping  about 
our  city  in  a broad-skirted  coat  with  huge  buttons,  a cocked 
hat  stuck  on  the  back  of  his  head,  and  a cane  as  high  as 
his  chin.  His  face  was  broad,  but  his  features  were  sharp, 
his  cheeks  were  scorched  into  a dusky  red  by  two  fiery 
little  gray  eyes;  his  nose  turned  up,  and  the  corners  of  his 
mouth  turned  down,  pretty  much  like  the  muzzle  of  an 
irritable  pug-dog. 

I have  heard  it  observed  by  a profound  adept  in  human 
physiology  that  if  a woman  waxes  fat  with  the  progress  of 
years,  her  tenure  of  life  is  somewhat  precarious,  but  if 
haply  she  withers  as  she  grows  old  she  lives  forever.  Such 
promised  to  be  the  case  with  William  the  Testy,  who  grew 
tough  in  proportion  as  he  dried.  He  had  withered,  in  fact, 
not  through  the  process  of  years,  but  through  the  tropical 
fervor  of  his  soul,  which  burnt  like  a vehement  rushlight 
in  his  bosom,  inciting  him  to  incessant  broils  and  bicker- 
ings. Ancient  traditions  speak  much  of  his  learning,  and 


134 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


of  the  gallant  inroads  he  had  made  into  the  dead  languages, 
in  which  he  had  made  captive  a host  of  Greek  nouns  and 
Latin  verbs,  and  brought  off  rich  booty  in  ancient  saws 
and  apophthegms,  which  he  was  wont  to  parade  in  his  public 
harangues  as  a triumphant  general  of  yore  his  spolia  opwia. 
Of  metaphysics  he  knew  enough  to  confound  all  hearers 
and  himself  into  the  bargain.  In  logic  he  knew  the  whole 
family  of  syllogisms  and  dilemmas,  and  was  so  proud  of 
his  skill  that  he  never  suffered  even  a self-evident  fact  to 
pass  unargued.  It  was  observed,  however,  that  he  seldom 
got  into  an  argument  without  getting  into  a perplexity, 
and  then  into  a passion  with  his  adversary  for  not  being 
convinced  gratis 

He  had,  moreover,  skirmished  smartly  on  the  frontiers 
of  several  of  the  sciences,  was  fond  of  experimental  phi- 
losophy, and  prided  himself  upon  inventions  of  all  kinds, 
llis  abode,  which  he  had  fixed  at  a bowrie  or  country-seat 
at  a short  distance  from  the  city,  just  at  what  is  now  called 
Dutch  street,  soon  abounded  with  proofs  of  his  ingenuity 
— patent  smoke-jacks  that  required  a horse  to  work  them; 
Dutch  ovens  that  roasted  meat  without  fire;  carts  that  went 
before  the  horses;  weathercocks  that  turned  against  the 
wind;  and  other  wrong-headed  contrivances  that  aston- 
ished and  confounded  all  beholders.  The  house,  too, 
was  beset  with  paralytic  cats  and  dogs,  the  subjects  of  his 
experimental  philosophy,  and  the  yelling  and  yelping  of 
the  latter  unhappy  victims  of  science  while  aiding  in  the 
pursuit  of  knowledge  soon  gained  for  the  place  the  name 
of  “ Dog’s  Misery/' by  which  it  continues  to  be  known 
even  at  the  present  day. 

It  is  in  knowledge  as  in  swimming:  he  who  flounders  and 
splashes  on  the  surface  makes  more  noise  and  attracts  more 
attention  than  the  pearl-diver  who  quietly  dives  in  quest 
of  treasures  to  the  bottom.  The  vast  acquirements  of  the 
new  governor  were  the  theme  of  marvel  among  the  simple 
burghers  of  New  Amsterdam;  he  figured  about  the  place 
as  learned  a man  as  a bonze  at  Pekin  who  has  mastered  one 
half  of  the  Chinese  alphabet,  and  was  unanimously  pro- 
nounced a “universal  genius!" 

I have  known  in  my  time  many  a genius  of  this  stamp, 
but,  to  speak  my  mind  freely,  I never  knew  one  who  for 
the  ordinary  purposes  of  life  was  worth  his  weight  in  straw, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


135 


In  this  respect  a little  sound  judgment  and  plain  common 
sense  is  worthy  all  the  sparkling  genius  that  ever  wrote 
poetry  or  invented  theories.  Let  us  see  how  the  universal 
acquirements  of  William  the  Testy  aided  him  in  the  affairs 
of  government. 


136 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORE \ 


CHAPTER  II. 

HOW  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY  UNDERTOOK  TO  CONQUER  BY 

PROCLAMATION — HOW  HE  WAS  A GREAT  MAN  ABROAD, 

BUT  A LITTLE  MAN  IN  HIS  OWN  HOUSE. 

No  sooner  had  this  bustling  little  potentate  been  blown 
by  a whiff  of  fortune  into  the  seat  of  government  than  he 
called  his  council  together  to  make  them  a speech  on  the 
state  of  affairs. 

Caius  Gracchus,  it  is  said,  when  he  harangued  the  Roman 
populace  modulated  histone  by  an  oratorical  flute  or  pitch- 
pipe;  Wilhelmus  Kieft,  not  having  such  an  instrument  at 
hand,  availed  himself  of  that  musical  organ  or  trump  which 
nature  has  implanted  in  the  midst  of  a man’s  face;  in  other 
words  he  preluded  his  address  by  a sonorous  blast  of  the 
nose — a preliminary  flourish  much  in  vogue  among  public 
orators. 

He  then  commenced  by  expressing  his  humble  sense  of 
his  utter  unworthiness  of  the  high  post  to  which  he  had 
been  appointed;  which  made  some  of  the  simple  burghers 
wonder  why  he  undertook  it,  not  knowing  that  it  is  a point 
of  etiquette  with  a public  orator  never  to  enter  upon  office 
without  declaring  himself  unworthy  to  cross  the  threshold. 
He  then  proceeded  in  a manner  highly  classic  and  erudite 
to  speak  of  government  generally,  and  of  the  governments 
of  ancient  Greece  in  particular;  together  with  the  wars  of 
Rome  and  Carthage,  and  the  rise  and  fall  of  sundry  out- 
landish empires  which  the  worthy  burghers  had  never  read 
nor  heard  of.  Having  thus,  after  the  manner  of  your 
learned  orators,  treated  of  things  in  general,  he  came  by  a 
natural,  roundabout  transition  to  the  matter  in  hand — 
namely,  the  daring  aggressions  of  the  Yankees. 

As  my  readers  are  well  aware  of  the  advantage  a poten- 
tate has  of  handling  his  enemies  as  he  pleases  in  his 
speeches  and  bulletins,  where  he  has  the  talk  all  on  his 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


137 


own  side,  they  may  rest  assured  that  William  the  Testy 
did  not  let  such  an  opportunity  escape  of  giving  the  Yan- 
kees what  is  called  “a  taste  of  his  quality. ” In  speaking 
of  their  inroads  into  the  territories  of  their  High  Mighti- 
nesses, he  compared  them  to  the  Gauls  who  desolated  Rome, 
the  Goths  and  Vandals  who  overran  the  fairest  plains  of 
Europe;  but  when  he  came  to  speak  of  the  unparalleled  au- 
dacity with  which  they  of  Weathersfield  had  advanced 
their  patches  up  to  the  very  walls  of  Fort  Goed  Hoop,  and 
threatened  to  smother  the  garrison  in  onions,  tears  of  rage 
started  into  his  eyes,  as  though  he  nosed  the  very  offense 
in  question. 

Having  thus  wrought  up  his  tale  to  a climax,  he  assumed 
a most  belligerent  look,  and  assured  the  council  that  he  had 
devised  an  instrument,  potent  in  its  effects,  and  which  he 
trusted  would  soon  drive  the  Yankees  from  the  land.  So 
saying,  he  thrust  his  hand  into  one  of  the  deep  pockets  of 
his  broad-skirted  coat  and  drew  forth,  not  an  infernal 
machine,  but  an  instrument  in  writing,  which  he  laid  with 
great  emphasis  upon  the  table. 

The  burghers  gazed  at  it  for  a time  in  silent  awe,  as  a 
wary  housewife  does  at  a gun,  fearful  it  may  go  off  half- 
cocked.  The  document  in  question  had  a sinister  look,  it 
is  true;  it  was  crabbed  in  text,  and  from  a broad  red  ribbon 
dangled  the  great  seal  of  the  province,  about  the  size  of  a 
buckwheat  pancake.  Still,  after  all,  it  was  but  an  instru- 
ment in  writing.  Herein,  however,  existed  the  wonder  of 
the  invention.  The  document  in  question  was  a Procla- 
mation", ordering  the  Yankees  to  depart  instantly  form  the 
territories  of  their  High  Mightinesses,  under  pain  of  suffer- 
ing all  the  forfeitures  and  punishments  in  such  case  made 
and  provided,  It  was  on  the  moral  effect  of  this  formid- 
able instrument  that  Wilhelmus  Kieft  calculated,  pledging 
his  valor  as  a governor  that,  once  fulminated  against  the 
Yankees,  it  would  in  less  than  two  months  drive  every 
mother’s  son  of  them  across  the  borders. 

The  council  broke  up  in  perfect  wonder,  and  nothing 
was  talked  of  for  some  time  among  the  old  men  and 
women  of  New  Amsterdam  but  the  vast  genius  of  the 
governor  and  his  new  and  cheap  mode  of  fighting  by  pro- 
clamation. 

As  to  Wilhelmus  Kieft,  having  dispatched  his  proclama- 
tion to  the  frontiers,  he  put  on  his  cocked  hat  and  corduroy 


138 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


small  clothes,  and,  mounting  a tall  raw-boned  charger, 
trotted  out  to  his  rural  retreat  of  Dog’s  Misery.  Here, 
like  the  good  Numa,  he  reposed  from  the  toils  of  state, 
taking  lessons  in  government,  not  from  the  nymph  Ege- 
ria,  but  from  the  honored  wife  of  his  bosom,  who  was  one 
of  that  class  of  females  sent  upon  the  earth  a little  after 
the  flood  as  a punisment  for  the  sins  of  mankind,  and 
commonly  known  by  the  appellation  of  knowing  women . 
In  fact,  my  duty  as  an  historian  obliges  me  to  make  known 
a circumstance  which  was  a great  secret  at  the  time,  and 
consequently  was  not  a subject  of  scandal  at  more  than 
half  the  tea  tables  in  New  Amsterdam,  but  which,  like 
many  other  great  secrets,  has  leaked  out  in  the  lapse  of 
years;  and  this  was,  that  Wilhelmus  the  Testy,  though 
one  of  the  most  potent  little  men  that  ever  breathed,  yet 
submitted  at  home  to  a species  of  government  laid  down 
neither  in  Aristotle  nor  Plato  ; in  short,  it  partook  of  the 
nature  of  a pure,  unmixed  tyranny,  and  is  familiarly 
denominated  petticoat  government  — an  absolute  sway, 
which,  although  exceedingly  common  in  these  modern 
days,  was  very  rare  among  the  ancients,  if  we  may  judge 
from  the  rout  made  about  the  domestic  economy  of  honest 
Socrates,  which  is  the  only  ancient  case  on  record. 

The  great  Kieft,  however,  warded  off  all  the  sneers  and 
sarcasms  of  his  particular  friends,  who  are  ever  ready  to 
joke  with  a man  on  sore  points  of  the  kind,  by  alleging 
that  it  was  a government  of  his  own  election,  to  which  he 
submitted  through  choice,  adding  at  the  same  time  a pro- 
found maxim  which  he  had  found  in  an  ancient  author, 
that  “he  who  would  aspire  to  govern  should  first  learn  to 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


139 


CHAPER  III. 

IN  WHICH  ARE  RECORDED  THE  SAGE  PROJECTS  OF  A 
RULER  OF  UNIVERSAL  GENIUS— THE  ART  OF  FIGHTING 
BY  PROCLAMATION — AND  HOW  THAT  THE  VALIANT 
JACOBUS  VAN  CURLET  CAME  TO  BE  FOULLY  DISHON- 
ORED AT  FORT  GOED  HOOP. 

Never  was  a more  comprehensive,  a more  expeditions 
— or,  what  is  still  better,  a more  economical — measure 
devised  than  this  of  defeating  the  Yankees  by  proclama- 
tion— an  expedient,  likewise,  so  gentle  and  humane  there 
were  ten  chances  to  one  in  favor  of  its  succeeding,  but 
then  there  was  one  chance  to  ten  that  it  would  not  suc- 
ceed: as  the  ill-natured  Fates  would  have  it,  that  single 
chance  carried  the  day  ! The  proclamation  was  perfect  in 
all  its  parts,  well  constructed,  well  written,  well  sealed, 
and  well  published;  all  that  was  wanting  to  insure  its 
effect  was,  that  the  Yankees  should  stand  in  awe  of  it ; 
but,  provoking  to  relate,  they  treated  it  with  the  most  abso- 
lute contempt,  applied  it  to  an  unseemly  purpose,  and 
thus  did  the  first  warlike  proclamation  come  to  a shameful 
end — a fate  which  I am  credibly  informed  has  befallen  but 
too  many  of  its  successors. 

So  far  from  abandoning  the  country,  those  varlets  con- 
tinued their  encroachments,  squatting  along  the  green 
banks  of  the  Yarsche  River,  and  founding  Hartford, 
Stamford,  New  Haven,  and  other  border  towns.  I have 
already  shown  how  the  onion  patches  of  Pyquag  were  an 
eyesore  to  Jacobus  Van  Curlet  and  his  garrison  ; but  now 
these  moss-troopers  increased  in  their  atrocities,  kidnap- 
ing hogs,  impounding  horses,  and  sometimes  grievously 
rib-roasting  their  owners.  Our  worthy  forefathers  could 
scarcely  stir  abroad  without  danger  of  being  outjockeyed 
in  horseflesh  or  taken  in  in  bargaining,  while  in  their  ab- 
sence some  daring  Yankee  peddler  would  penetrate  to  their 


140 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


household  and  nearly  ruin  the  good  housewives  with  tin- 
ware and  wooden  bowls.* 

I am  well  aware  of  the  perils  which  environ  me  in  this 
part  of  my  history.  While  raking,  with  curious  hand  but 
pious  heart,  among  the  mol  dering  remains  of  former  days, 
anxious  to  draw  therefrom  the  honey  of  wisdom,  I may  fare 
somewhat  like  that  valiant  worthy,  Samson,  who  in  med- 
dling with  the  carcass  of  a dead  lion  drew  a swarm  of  bees 
about  his  ears.  Thus,  while  narrating  the  many  misdeeds 
of  the  Yanokie  or  Yankee  race,  it  is  ten  chances  to  one 
but  I offend  the  morbid  sensibilities  of  certain  of  their 
unreasonable  descendants,  who  may  fly  out  and  raise  such 
a buzzing  about  this  unlucky  head  of  mine  that  I shall 
need  the  tough  hide  of  an  Achilles  or  an  Orlando  Furioso  to 
protect  me  from  their  stings. 

Should  such  be  the  case,  I should  deeply  and  sincerely 
lament — not  my  misfortune  in  giving  offense — but  the 
wrong-headed  perverseness  of  an  ill-natured  generation  in 
taking  offense  at  anything  I say.  That  their  ancestors 
did  use  my  ancestors  ill  is  true,  and  I am  very  sorry  for  it. 
I would,  with  all  my  heart,  the  fact  were  otherwise;  but  as 
I am  recording  the  sacred  events  of  history,  Fd  not  bate 
one  muffs  breadth  of  the  honest  truth  though  I were  sure 
the  whole  edition  of  my  work  would  be  bought  up  and 
burnt  by  the  common  hangman  of  Connecticut.  And  in 
sooth,  now  that  these  testy  gentlemen  have  drawn  me  out, 
I will  make  bold  to  go  farther,  and  observe  that  this  is  one 


* The  following  cases  in  point  appear  in  Hazard’s  Collection  of 
State  Papers: 

“ In  the  meantime,  they  of  Hartford  have  not  only  usurped  and 
taken  in  the  lands  of  Connecticott,  although  unrighteously  and  against 
the  lawes  of  nations,  but  have  hindered  our  nation  in  sowing  tlieire 
own  purchased  broken  up  lands,  but  have  also  sowed  them  with 
corne  in  the  night,  which  the  Nederlanders  had  broken  up  and  in- 
tended to  sowe  . and  have  beaten  the  servants  of  the  high  and  mighty 
the  honored  companie,  which  were  laboring  upon  theire  master’s 
lands,  from  theire  lands,  with  sticks  and  plow  staves  in  hostile  man- 
ner laming,  and  among  the  rest  struck  Ever  Duckings  [Evert  Duyck- 
inck]  a hole  in  his  head,  with  a stick,  so  that  the  bloode  ran  downe 
very  strongly  downe  upon  his  body.” 

“Those  of  Hartford  sold  a hogg,  that  belonged  to  the  honored 
companie,  under  pretence  that  it  had  eaten  of  theire  grounde  grass, 
when  they  had  not  any  foot  of  inheritance.  They  proffered  the  hogg 
for  5s.  if  the  commissioners  would  have  given  5s.  for  damage  ; which 
the  commissioners  denied,  because  noe  man’s  own  hogg  (as  men  used 
to  say)  can  trespass  upon  his  owne  master’s  grounde.” 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


141 


of  the  grand  purposes  for  which  we  impartial  historians  are 
sent  into  the  world — to  redress  wrongs  and  render  justice 
on  the  heads  of  the  guilty.  So  that,  though  a powerful 
nation  may  wrong  its  neighbors  with  temporary  impunity, 
yet  sooner  or  later  an  historian  springs  up  who  wreaks 
ample  chastisement  on  it  in  return. 

Thus  these  moss-troopers  of  the  east  little  thought,  IT1 
warrant  it,  while  they  were  harassing  the  inoffensive  prov- 
ince of  Nieuw  Nederlandts  and  driving  its  unhappy  gov- 
ernor to  his  wit's  end,  that  an  historian  would  ever  arise 
and  give  them  their  own  with  interest.  Since,  then,  I 
am  but  performing  my  bounden  duty  as  an  historian  in 
avenging  the  wrongs  of  our  revered  ancestors,  I shall 
make  no  further  apology,  and,  indeed,  when  it  is  consid- 
ered that  I have  all  these  ancient  borderers  of  the  east  in 
my  power  and  at  the  mercy  of  my  pen,  I trust  that  it  will  be 
admitted  I conduct  myself  with  great  humanity  and  mod- 
eration. 

It  was  long  before  William  the  Testy  could  be  persuaded 
that  his  much-vaunted  war  measure  was  ineffectual  ; on 
the  contrary,  he  flew  in  a passion  whenever  it  was  doubted, 
swearing  that  though  slow  in  operating,  yet  when  it  once 
began  to  work  it  would  soon  purge  the  land  of  these  in- 
vaders. When  convinced,  at  length,  of  the  truth,  like  a 
shrewd  physician  he  attributed  the  failure  to  the  quantity, 
not  the  quality,  of  the  medicine,  and  resolved  to  double 
the  dose.  He  fulminated,  therefore,  a second  proclama- 
tion, more  vehement  than  the  first,  forbidding  all  inter- 
course with  these  Yankee  intruders,  ordering  the  Dutch 
burghers  on  the  frontiers  to  buy  none  of  their  pacing- 
horses,  measly  pork,  apple  sweetmeats,  Weathersfield 
onions,  or  wooden  bowls,  and  to  furnish  them  with  no 
supplies  of  gin,  gingerbread,  or  sourcrout. 

Another  interval  elapsed,  during  which  the  last  procla- 
mation was  as  little  regarded  as  the  first,  and  the  non-in- 
tercourse was  especially  set  at  naught  by  the  young  folks 
of  both  sexes,  if  we  may  judge  by  the  active  bundling 
which  took  place  along  the  borders. 

At  length  one  day  the  inhabitants  of  New  Amsterdam 
were  aroused  by  a furious  barking  of  dogs,  great  and  small, 
and  beheld,  to  their  surprise,  the  whole  garrison  of  Fort 
Good  Hope  straggling  into  town  all  tattered  and  wayworn, 
with  Jacobus  Van  Curlet  at  their  head,  bringing  the  mel- 


142  HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 

ancholy  intelligence  of  the  capture  of  Fort  Good  Hope  by 
the  Yankees. 

The  fate  of  this  important  fortress  is  an  impressive  warn- 
ing to  all  military  commanders.  It  was  carried  neither  by 
storm  nor  famine,  nor  was  it  undermined  nor  bombarded, 
nor  set  on  fire  by  red-hot  shot;  but  was  taken  by  a strat- 
agem no  less  singular  than  effectual,  and  which  can  never 
fail  of  success  whenever  an  opportunity  occurs  of  putting 
it  in  practice. 

It  seems  that  the  Yankees  had  received  intelligence 
that  the  garrison  of  Jacobus  Van  Curlet  had  been  reduced 
nearly  one-eighth  by  the  death  of  two  of  his  most  corpu- 
lent soldiers,  who  had  overeaten  themselves  on  fat  salmon 
caught  in  the  Varsche  River.  A secret  expedition  was 
immediately  set  on  foot  to  surprise  the  fortress.  The 
crafty  enemy,  knowing  the  habits  of  the  garrison  to 
sleep  soundly  after  they  had  eaten  their  dinners  and 
smoked  their  pipes,  stole  upon  them  at  the  noontide  of  a 
sultry  summer's  day  and  surprised  them  in  the  midst  of 
their  slumbers. 

In  an  instant  the  flag  of  their  High  Mightinesses  was 
lowered,  and  the  Yankee  standard  elevated  in  its  stead, 
being  a dried  codfish  by  way  of  a spread  eagle.  A strong 
garrison  was  appointed  of  long-sided,  hard-fisted  Yankees, 
witli  Weathersfield  onions  for  cockades  and  feathers.  As 
to  Jacobus  Van  Curlet  and  his  men,  they  were  seized  by 
the  nape  of  the  neck,  conducted  to  the  gate,  and  one  by 
one  dismissed  with  a kick  in  the  crupper  as  Charles  XII th 
dismissed  the  heavy-bottomed  Russians  at  the  battle  of 
Narva;  Jacobus  Van  Curlet  receiving  two  kicks  in  consider- 
ation of  his  official  dignity. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


143 


CHAPTER  IV. 

CONTAINING  THE  FEARFUL  WRATH  OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY, 
AND  THE  ALARM  OF  NEW  AMSTERDAM — HOW  THE  GOV- 
ERNOR DID  STRONGLY  FORTIFY  THE  CITY — OF  THE  RISE 
OF  ANTONY  THE  TRUMPETER,  AND  THE  WINDY  ADDI- 
TION TO  THE  ARMORIAL  BEARINGS  OF  NEW  AMSTERDAM. 

Language  cannot  express  the  awful  ire  of  William  the 
Testy  on  hearing  of  the  catastrophe  at  Fort  Goed  Hoop. 
For  three  good  hours  his  rage  was  too  great  for  words,  or 
rather  the  words  were  too  great  for  him  (being  a very  small 
man),  and  he  was  nearly  choked  by  the  misshapen,  nine- 
cornered  Dutch  oaths  and  epithets  which  crowded  at  once 
into  his  gullet.  At  length  his  words  found  vent,  and  for 
three  days  he  kept  up  a constant  discharge,  anathematiz- 
ing the  Yankees,  man,  woman,  and  child,  for  a set  of 
dieven,  schobbejacken  deugenieten,  twistzoekeren,  blaes- 
kaken,  loosen-schalken  kakken-bedden,  and  a thousand 
other  names  of  which,  unfortunately  for  posterity,  history 
does  not  make  mention.  Finally  he  swore  that  he  would 
have  nothing  more  to  do  with  such  a squatting,  bundling 
guessing,  questioning,  swapping,  pumpkin-eating,  molasses 
daubing,  shingle-splitting,  cider-watering,  horse-jockeying 
notion-peddling  crew — that  they  might  stay  at  Fort  Goed 
Hoop  and  rot  before  he  would  dirty  his  hands  by  attempt- 
ing to  drive  them  away;  in  proof  of  which  he  ordered  the 
new  raised  troops  to  be  marched  forthwith  into  winter  quar- 
ters, although  it  was  not  as  yet  quite  midsummer.  Great 
despondency  now  fell  upon  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam. 
It  was  feared  that  the  conquerors  of  Fort  Goed  Hoop, 
flushed  with  victory  and  apple-brandy,  might  march  on  to 
the  capital,  take  it  by  storm,  and  annex  the  whole  prov- 
ince to  Connecticut.  The  name  of  Yankee  became  as 
terrible  among  the  Nieuw  Nederland ters  as  was  that  of 
Gaul  among  the  ancient  Romans;  insomuch  that  the  good 


144 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


wives  of  the  Manhattoes  used  it  as  a bugbear  wherewith  to 
frighten  their  unruly  children. 

Everybody  clamored  around  the  governor,  imploring 
him  to  put  the  city  in  a complete  posture  of  defense,  and 
he  listened  to  their  clamors.  Nobody  could  accuse  Will- 
iam the  Testy  of  being  idle  in  time  of  danger  or  at  any 
other  time.  He  was  never  idle,  but  then  he  was  often  busy 
to  very  little  purpose.  When  a youngling  he  had  been  im- 
pressed with  the  words  of  Solomon:  “ Go  to  the  ant,  thou 
sluggard,  observe  her  ways  and  be  wise;”  in  conformity  to 
which  he  had  ever  been  of  a restless,  ant-like  turn,  hurry- 
ing hither  and  thither,  nobody  knew  why  or  wherefore, 
busying  himself  about  small  matters  with  an  air  of  great 
importance  and  anxiety,  and  toiling  at  a grain  of  mustard 
seed  in  the  full  conviction  that  he  was  moving  a mountain. 
In  the  present  instance  he  called  in  all  his  inventive  powers 
to  his  aid,  and  was  continually  pondering  over  plans,  mak- 
ing diagrams,  and  worrying  about  with  a troop  of  workmen 
and  projectors  at  his  heels.  At  length,  after  a world  of 
consultation  and  contrivance,  his  plans  of  defense  ended  in 
rearing  a great  flagstaff  in  the  center  of  the  fort  and  perch- 
ing a windmill  on  each  bastion. 

These  warlike  preparations  in  some  measure  allayed  the 
public  alarm,  especially  after  an  additional  means  of  secur- 
ing the  safety  of  the  city  had  been  suggested  by  the  gov- 
ernor’s lady.  It  has  already  been  hinted  in  this  most  au- 
thentic history  that  in  the  domestic  establishment  of  Will- 
iam the  Testy  “the  gray  mare  was  the  better  horse;”  in 
other  words,  that  his  wife  “ruled  the  roast,”  and  in  govern- 
ing the  governor  governed  the  province,  which  might  thus 
be  said  to  be  under  petticoat  government. 

Now,  it  came  to  pass  that  about  this  time  there  lived 
in  the  Manhattoes  a jolly,  robustious  trumpeter  named 
Antony  Van  Corlear,  famous  for  his  long  wind,  and  who, 
as  the  story  goes,  could  twang  so  potently  upon  his  instru- 
ment that  the  effect  upon  all  within  hearing  was  like  that 
ascribed  to  the  Scotch  bagpipe  when  it  sings  right  lustily 
i’  the  nose. 

This  sounder  of  brass  was  moreover  a lusty  bachelor,  with 
a pleasant,  burly  visage,  a long  nose  and  huge  whiskers. 
He  had  his  little  boiverie , or  retreat  in  the  country,  where 
lie  led  a roystering  life,  giving  dances  to  the  wives  and 
daughters  of  the  burghers  of  the  Manhattoes,  insomuch 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


145 


that  he  became  a prodigious  favorite  with  all  the  women, 
young  and  old.  He  is  said  to  have  been  the  first  to  collect 
that  famous  toll  levied  on  the  fair  sex  at  Kissing  Bridge, 
on  the  highway  to  Hellgate.* 

To  this  sturdy  bachelor  the  eyes  of  all  the  women  were 
turned,  in  this  time  of  darkness  and  peril,  as  the  very 
man  to  second  and  carry  out  the  plans  of  defense  of  t lie 
governor.  A kind  of  petticoat  council  was  forthwith 
held  at  the  government  house,  at  which  the  governors 
lady  presided  ; and  this  lady,  as  has  been  hinted,  being 
all-potent  with  the  governor,  the  result  of  these  coun- 
cils was  the  elevation  of  Antony  the  Trumpeter  to  the 
post  of  commandant  of  windmills  and  champion  of  New 
Amsterdam. 

The  city  being  thus  fortified  and  garrisoned,  it  would 
have  done  one’s  heart  good  to  see  the  governor  snapping 
his  fingers  and  fidgeting  with  delight  as  the  trumpeter 
strutted  up  and  down  the  ramparts  twanging  defiance  to  the 
whole  Yankee  race,  as  does  a modern  editor  to  all  the  princi- 
palities and  powers  on  the  other  side  of  the  Atlantic.  In  the 
hands  of  Antony  Van  Corlear  this  windy  instrument  ap- 
peared to  him  as  potent  as  the  horn  of  the  paladin  Astolpho, 
or  even  the  more  classic  horn  of  Alecto;  nay,  he  had  almost 
the  temerity  to  compare  it  with  the  rams’  horns  celebrated 
in  holy  writ,  at  the  very  sound  of  which  the  walls  of  Jeri- 
cho fell  down. 

Be  all  this  as  it  may,  the  apprehensions  of  hostilities  from 
the  east  gradually  died  away.  The  Yankees  made  no 
further  invasion;  nay,  they  declared  they  had  only  taken 
possession  of  Fort  Goed  Iioop  as  being  erected  within  their 
territories.  So  far  from  manifesting  hostility,  they  con- 
tinued to  throng  to  New  Amsterdam  with  the  most  inno- 
cent countenances  imaginable,  filling  the  market  with  their 
notions,  being  as  ready  to  trade  with  the  Nederlandters  as 
ever,  and  not  a whit  more  prone  to  get  to  the  windward  of 
them  in  a bargain. 

The  old  wives  of  the  Manhattoes  who  took  tea  with  the 
governor’s  lady  attributed  all  this  affected  moderation  to 
the  awe  inspired  by  the  military  preparations  of  the  gov- 
ernor and  the  windy  prowess  of  Antony  the  trumpeter. 

*The  bridge  bere  mentioned  by  Mr.  Knickerbocker  still  exists  ; 
but  it  is  said  that  the  toll  is  seldom  collected  now  a-days,  excepting 
on  sleighing  parties,  by  the  descendants  of  the  patriarchs  who  still 
preserve  the  traditions  of  the  city. 


146 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


There  were  not  wanting  illiberal  minds,  however,  who 
sneered  at  the  governor  for  thinking  to  defend  his  city,  as 
he  governed  it,  by  mere  wind;  but  William  Kieft  was  not 
to  be  jeered  out  of  his  windmills — he  had  seen  them 
perched  upon  the  ramparts  of  his  native  city  of  Saardam, 
and  was  persuaded  they  were  connected  with  the  great 
science  of  defense;  nay,  so  much  piqued  was  he  by  having 
them  made  a matter  of  ridicule  that  he  introduced  them 
into  the  arms  of  the  city,  where  they  remain  to  this  day, 
quartered  with  the  ancient  beaver  of  the  Manhattoes,  an 
emblem  and  memento  of  his  policy. 

I must  not  omit  to  mention  that  certain  wise  old  burgh- 
ers of  the  Manhattoes,  skillful  in  expounding  signs  and 
mysteries  after  events  have  come  to  pass,  consider  this 
early  intrusion  of  the  windmill  into  the  escutcheon  of  our 
city,  which  before  had  been  wholly  occupied  by  the  beaver 
as  portentous  of  its  after  fortune,  when  the  quiet  Dutch- 
man would  be  elbowed  aside  by  the  enterprising  Yankee 
and  patient  industry  overstopped  by  windy  speculation. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


147 


CHAPTER  V. 

OF  THE  JURISPRUDENCE  OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY;  AND  HIS 
ADMIRABLE  EXPEDIENTS  FOR  THE  SUPRESSION  OF 
POVERTY. 

Among  the  wrecks  and  fragments  of  exalted  wisdom 
which  have  floated  down  the  stream  of  time  from  venerable 
antiquity,  and  been  picked  up  by  those  humble  but  indus- 
trious wights  who  ply  along  the  shores  of  literature,  we 
find  a shrewd  ordinance  of  Charondas  the  Locrian  legisla- 
tor. Anxious  to  preserve  the  judicial  code  of  the  state 
from  the  additions  and  amendments  of  country  members 
and  seekers  of  popularity,  he  ordained  that  whoever  pro- 
posed a new  law  should  do  it  with  a halter  about  his  neck, 
whereby,  in  case  his  proposition  were  rejected,  they  just 
hung  him  up;  and  there  the  matter  ended. 

The  effect  was  that  for  more  than  two  hundred  years 
there  was  but  one  trifling  alteration  in  the  judicial  code, 
and  legal  matters  were  so  clear  and  simple  that  the  whole 
race  of  lawyers  starved  to  death  for  want  of  employment. 
The  Locrians,  too,  being  freed  from  all  incitement  to  liti- 
gation, lived  very  lovingly  together,  and  were  so  happy  a 
people  that  they  make  scarce  any  figure  in  history;  it  be- 
ing only  your  litigious,  quarrelsome,  rantipole  nations  who 
make  much  noise  in  the  world. 

I have  been  reminded  of  these  historical  facts  in  coming 
to  treat  of  the  internal  policy  of  William  the  Testy.  Well 
would  it  have  been  for  him  had  he  in  the  course  of  his 
universal  acquirements  stumbled  upon  the  precaution  of 
the  good  Charondas,  or  had  he  looked  nearer  home  at  the 
protectorate  of  Oloffe  the  Dreamer,  when  the  community 
was  governed  without  laws.  Such  legislation,  however, 
was  not  suited  to  the  busy,  meddling  mind  of  William  the 
Testy.  On  the  contrary,  he  conceived  that  the  true  wis- 
dom of  legislation  consisted  in  the  multiplicity  of  laws. 
He  accordingly  had  great  punishments  for  great  crimes 


148 


HIS  TOR  T OF  NEW  YORK. 


and  little  punishments  for  little  offenses.  By  degrees  the 
whole  surface  of  society  was  cut  up  by  ditches  and  fences 
and  quickset  hedges  of  the  law,  and  even  the  sequestered 
paths  of  private  life  so  beset  by  petty  rules  and  ordinances, 
too  numerous  to  be  remembered,  that  one  could  scarce 
walk  at  large  without  the  risk  of  letting  off  a spring  gun 
or  falling  into  a man-trap. 

In  a little  while  the  blessings  of  innumerable  laws  be- 
came apparent — a class  of  men  arose  to  expound  and  con- 
found them.  Petty  courts  were  instituted  to  take  cogniz- 
ance of  petty  offenses,  pettifoggers  began  to  abound,  and 
the  community  was  soon  set  together  by  the  ears. 

Let  me  not  be  thought  as  intending  anything  derogatory 
to  the  profession  of  the  law  or  to  the  distinguished  mem- 
bers of  that  illustrious  order.  Well  am  I aware  that  we 
have  in  this  ancient  city  innumerable  worthy  gentlemen, 
the  knights  errants  of  modern  days,  who  go  about  redress- 
ing wrongs  and  defending  the  defenseless,  not  for  the  love 
of  filthy  lucre  nor  the  selfish  cravings  of  renown,  but 
merely  for  the  pleasure  of  doing  good.  Sooner  would  I 
throw  this  trusty  pen  into  the  flames  and  cork  up  my  ink 
bottle  forever  than  infringe  even  for  a nail’s  breadth  upon 
the  dignity  of  these  truly  benevolent  champions  of  the  dis- 
tressed. On  the  contrary,  I allude  merely  to  those  caitiff 
scouts  who,  in  these  latter  days  of  evil,  infest  the  skirts  of 
the  profession  as  did  the  recreant  Cornish  knights  of  yore 
the  honorable  order  of  chivalry — who  under  its  auspices 
commit  flagrant  wrongs,  who  thrive  by  quibbles,  by  quirks 
and  chicanery,  and  like  vermin  increase  the  corruption  in 
which  they  are  engendered. 

Nothing  so  soon  awakens  the  malevolent  passions  as  the 
facility  of  gratification.  The  courts  of  law  would  never.be 
so  crowded  with  petty  vexatious  and  disgraceful  suits  were 
it  not  for  the  herds  of  pettifoggers.  These  tamper  with  the 
passions  of  the  poorer  and  more  ignorant  classes,  who,  as 
if  poverty  were  not  a sufficient  misery  in  itself,  are  ever 
ready  to  embitter  it  by  litigation.  These,  like  quacks  in 
medicine,  excite  the  malady  to  profit  by  the  cure,  and  retard 
the  cure  to  augment  the  fees.  As  the  quack  exhausts  the 
constitution,  the  pettifogger  exhausts  the  purse;  and  as  he 
who  has  once  been  under  the  hands  of  a quack  is  forever 
after  prone  to  dabble  in  drugs  and  poison  himself  with  in- 
fallible prescriptions,  so  the  client  of  the  pettifogger  is 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


149 


ever  after  prone  to  embroil  himself  with  his  neighbors  and 
impoverish  himself  with  successful  lawsuits.  My  readers 
will  excuse  this  digression  into  which  I have  been  unwarily 
betrayed;  but  I could  not  avoid  giving  a cool  and  un- 
prejudiced account  of  an  abomination  too  prevalent  in 
this  excellent  city,  and  with  the  effects  of  which  I am  rue- 
fully acquainted,  having  been  nearly  ruined  by  a law- 
suit which  was  decided  against  me,  and  my  ruin  having 
been  completed  by  another  which  was  decided  in  my 
favor. 

To  return  to  our  theme.  There  was  nothing  in  the  whole 
range  of  moral  offenses  against  which  the  jurisprudence  of 
William  the  Testy  was  more  strenuously  directed  than  the 
crying  sin  of  poverty.  He  pronounced  it  the  root  of  all 
evil,  and  determined  to  cut  it  up,  root  and  branch,  and  ex- 
tirpate it  from  the  land.  He  had  been  struck,  in  the  course 
of  his  travels  in  the  old  countries  of  Europe,  with  the  wis- 
dom of  those  notices  posted  up  in  country  towns,  that  “any 
vagont  found  begging  there  would  be  put  in  the  stocks  ;” 
and  he  had  observed  that  no  beggars  were  to  be  seen  in 
these  neighborhoods,  having  doubtless  thrown  off  their  rags 
and  their  poverty  and  become  rich  under  the  terror  of  the 
law.  He  determined  to  improve  upon  this  hint.  In  a lit- 
tle while  a new  machine  of  his  own  invention  was  erected 
hard  by  Dog’s  Misery.  This  was  nothing  more  nor  less 
than  a gibbet,  of  a very  strange,  uncouth,  and  unmatch- 
able  construction,  far  more  efficacious,  as  he  boasted,  than 
the  stocks  for  the  punishment  of  poverty.  It  was  for  alti- 
tude not  a whit  inferior  to  that  of  Ilaman,  so  renowned  in 
Bible  history;  but  the  marvel  of  the  contrivance  was,  that 
the  culprit,  instead  of  being  suspended  by  the  neck  accord- 
ing to  venerable  custom,  was  hoisted  by  the  waistband,  and 
kept  dangling  and  sprawling  between  heaven  and  earth  for 
an  hour  or  two  ac  a time — to  the  infinite  entertainment  and 
edification  of  the  respectable  citizens  who  usually  attend 
exhibitions  of  the  kind. 

It  is  incredible  how  the  little  governor  chuckled  at  be- 
holding caitiff  vagrants  and  sturdy  beggars  thus  swinging 
by  the  crupper  and  cutting  antic  gambols  in  the  air.  He 
had  a thousand  pleasantries  and  mirthful  conceits  to  utter 
upon  these  occasions.  He  called  them  his  dandlelions,  his 
wild-fowl,  his  high-fliers,  his  spread-eagles,  his  goshawks, 
his  scare-crows,  and,  finally  his  gallows-birds',  which  inge- 


150 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


nious  appellation,  though  originally  confined  to  worthies 
who  had  taken  the  air  in  this  strange  manner,  has  since 
grown  to  be  a cant  name  given  to  all  candidates  for  legal 
elevation.  This  punishment,  moreover,  if  we  may  credit 
the  assertions  of  certain  grave  etymologists,  gave  the  first 
hint  for  a kind  of  harnessing  or  strapping  by  which  our 
forefathers  braced  up  their  multifarious  breeches,  and  which 
has  of  late  years  been  revived,  and  continues  to  be  worn  at 
the  present  day. 

Such  was  the  punishment  of  all  petty  delinquents,  vag- 
rants and  beggars  and  others,  detected  in  being  guilty  of 
poverty  in  a small  way;  as  to*  those  who  had  offended  on  a 
great  scale,  who  had  been  guilty  of  flagrant  misfortunes 
and  enormous  backslid ings  of  the  purse,  and  who  stood 
convicted  of  large  debts  which  they  were  unable  to  pay, 
William  Kieft  had  them  straightway  inclosed  within  the 
stone  walls  of  a prison,  there  to  remain  until  they  should 
reform  and  grow  rich.  This  notable  expedient,  however, 
does  not  appear  to  have  been  more  efficacious  under  Will- 
iam the  Testy  than  in  more  modern  days,  it  being  found 
that  the  longer  a poor  devil  was  kept  in  prison  the  poorer 
he  grew. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


151 


CHAPTER  VI. 

PROJECTS  OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY  FOR  INCREASING  THE 

CURRENCY — HE  IS  OUTWITTED  BY  THE  YANKEES — THE 

GREAT  OYSTER  WAR. 

Next  to  his  projects  for  the  suppression  of  poverty  may 
he  classed  those  of  William  the  Testy  for  increasing  the 
wealth  of  New  Amsterdam.  Solomon,  of  whose  character 
for  wisdom  the  little  governor  was  somewhat  emulous,  had 
made  gold  and  silver  as  plenty  as  the  stones  in  the  streets 
of  Jerusalem.  William  Kieft  could  not  pretend  to  vie  with 
him  as  to  the  precious  metals,  but  he  determined,  as  an 
equivalent,  to  flood  the  streets  of  New  Amsterdam  with  In- 
dian money.  This  was  nothing  more  nor  less  than  strings 
of  beads  wrought  out  of  clams,  periwinkles,  and  other 
shell-fish,  and  called  seawant  or  wampum.  These  had 
formed  a native  currency  among  the  simple  savages,  who  were 
content  to  take  them  of  the  Dutchmen  in  exchange  for 
peltries.  In  an  unlucky  moment  William  the  Testy,  seeing 
this  money  of  easy  production,  conceived  the  project  of 
making  it  the  current  coin  of  the  province.  It  is  true  it 
had  an  intrinsic  value  among  the  Indians,  who  used 
it  to  ornament  their  robes  and  moccasins,  but  among  the 
honest  burghers  it  had  no  more  intrinsic  value  than  those 
rags  which  form  the  paper  currency  of  modern  days. 
This  consideration,  however,  had  no  weight  with  William 
Kieft.  He  began  by  paying  all  the  servants  of  the  com- 
pany and  all  the  debts  of  government  in  strings  of 
wampum.  He  sent  emissaries  to  sweep  the  shores  of  Long 
Island,  which  was  the  Ophir  of  this  modern  Solomon  and 
abounded  in  shell-fish.  These  were  transported  in  loads 
to  New  Amsterdam,  coined  into  Indian  money,  and 
launched  into  circulation. 

And  now,  for  a time,  affairs  went  on  swimmingly ; 
money  became  as  plentiful  as  in  the  modern  days  of  paper 
currency,  and,  to  use  the  popular  phrase,  “ a wonderful 


152 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


impulse  was  given  to  public  prosperity. " Yankee  traders 
poured  into  the  province,  buying  everything  they  could  lay 
their  hands  on,  and  paying  the  worthy  Dutchmen  their 
own  price — in  Indian  money.  If  the  latter,  however,  at- 
tempted to  pay  the  Yankees  in  the  same  coin  for  their 
tinware  and  wooden  bowls,  the  case  was  altered;  nothing 
would  do  but  Dutch  guilders  and  such  like  “ metallic  cur- 
rency." What  wras  worse,  the  Yankees  introduced  an  in- 
ferior kind  of  wampum  made  of  oyster  shells,  with  which 
they  deluged  the  province,  carrying  off  in  exchange  all  the 
silver  and  gold,  the  Dutch  herrings  and  Dutch  cheeses  : 
thus  early  did  the  knowing  men  of  the  east  manifest  their 
skill  in  bargaining  the  New  Amsterdammers  out  of  the 
oyster  and  leaving  them  the  shell.* 

It  was  a long  time  before  William  the  Testy  was  made 
sensible  how  completely  his  grand  project  of  finance  was 
turned  against  him  by  his  eastern  neighbors;  nor  would  he 
probably  have  ever  found  it  out  had  not  tidings  been 
brought  him  that  the  Yankees  had  made  a descent 
upon  Long  Island,  and  had  established  a kind  of  mint 
at  Oyster  Bay,  where  they  were  coining  up  all  the  oyster 
banks. 

Now,  this  was  making  a vital  attack  upon  the  province 
in  a double  sense,  financial  and  gastronomical.  Ever  since 
the  council  dinner  of  Oloffe  the  Dreamer  at  the  founding 
of  New  Amsterdam,  at  which  banquet  the  oyster  figured 
so  conspicuously,  this  divine  shell-fish  has  been  held  in  a 
kind  of  superstitious  reverence  at  the  Manhattoes,  as  wit- 


* In  a manuscript  record  of  the  province,  dated  1659,  Library  of 
the  New  York  Historical  Society,  is  the  following  mention  of  Indian 
money : 

“ Seawant  alias  wampum.  Beads  manufactured  from  the  qua - 
haug  or  wilk,  a shell  fish  formerly  abounding  on  our  coasts,  but 
lately  of  more  rare  occurrence,  of  two  colors,  black  and  white;  the 
former  twice  the  value  of  the  latter.  Six  beads  of  the  white  and 
three  of  the  black  for  an  English  penny.  The  seawant  depreciates 
from  time  to  time.  The  New  England  people  make  use  of  it  as  a 
means  of  barter,  not  only  to  carry  away  the  best  cargoes  which  we 
send  thither,  but  to  accumulate  a large  quantity  of  beavers  and  other 
furs ; by  which  the  company  is  defrauded  of  her  revenues,  and  the 
merchants  disappointed  in  making  returns  with  that  speed  with 
which  they  might  wish  to  meet  their  engagements  ; while  their 
commissioners  and  the  inhabitants  remain  overstocked  with  seawant 
— a sort  of  currency  of  no  value  except  with  the  New  Netherland 
savages,  etc.” 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


153 


ness  the  temples  erected  to  its  cult  in  every  street  and  lane 
and  alley.  In  fact,  it  is  the  standard  luxury  of  the  place, 
as  is  the  terrapin  at  Philadelphia,  the  soft  crab  at  Balti- 
more, or  the  canvas-back  at  Washington. 

The  seizure  of  Oyster  Bay,  therefore,  was  an  outrage 
not  merely  on  the  pockets,  but  the  larders,  of  the  New 
Amsterdammers;  the  whole  community  was  aroused,  and 
an  oyster  crusade  was  immediately  set  on  foot  against  the 
Yankees.  Every  stout  trencherman  hastened  to  the  stand- 
ard ; nay,  some  of  the  most  corpulent  burgomasters  and 
schepens  joined  the  expedition  as  a corps  de  reserve, 
only  to  be  called  into  action  when  the  sacking  commenced. 

The  conduct  of  the  expedition  was  entrusted  to  a valiant 
Dutchman,  who  for  size  and  weight  might  have  matched 
with  Col  brand  the  Danish  champion,  slain  by  Guy  of  War- 
wick. He  wasfamous  throughout  the  province  for  strength 
of  arm  and  skill  at  quarter-staff,  and  hence  was  named 
Stoffel  Brinkerhoff,  or  rather  Brinkerhoofd — that  is  to  say, 
Stoffel  the  head-breaker. 

This  sturdy  commander,  who  was  a man  of  few  words 
but  vigorous  deeds,  led  his  troops  resolutely  on  through 
Nineveh,  and  Babylon,  and  Jericho,  and  Patch-hog,  and 
other  Long  Island  towns,  without  encountering  any  diffi- 
culty of  note,  though  it  is  said  that  some  of  the  burgo- 
masters gave  out  at  Ilardscramble  Hill  and  Hungry  Hollow, 
and  that  others  lost  heart  and  turned  back  at  Puss-panick. 
With  the  rest  he  made  good  his  march  until  he  arrived  in 
the  neighborhood  of  Oyster  Bay. 

Here  he  was  encountered  by  a host  of  Yankee  warriors 
headed  by  Preserved  Fish,  and  Habakkuk  Nutter,  and 
Return  Strong,  and  Zerubbabel  Fisk,  and  Determined 
Cock  ; at  the  sound  of  whose  names  Stoffel  Brinkerhoff 
verily  believed  the  whole  parliament  of  Praise-God  Bare- 
bones  had  been  let  loose  upon  him.  He  soon  found,  how- 
ever, that  they  were  merely  the  “ selectmen”  of  the  settle- 
ment, armed  with  no  weapon  but  the  tongue,  and  disposed 
only  to  meet  him  on  the  field  of  argument.  Stoffel  had  but 
one  mode  of  arguing ; that  was,  with  the  cudgel ; 
but  he  used  it  with  such  effect  that  he  routed  his  antago- 
nists, broke  up  the  settlement,  and  would  have  driven  the 
inhabitants  into  the  sea  if  they  had  not  managed  to  escape 
across  the  sound  to  the  mainland  by  the  Devifs  Stepping- 
stones,  which  remain  to  this  day  monuments  of  this  great 
Dutch  victory  over  the  Yankees, 


154 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Stoffel  Brinkerhoff  made  great  spoil  of  oysters  and  clams, 
coined  and  uncoined,  and  then  set  out  on  his  return  to  the 
Manhattoes.  A grand  triumph,  after  the  manner  of  the 
ancients,  was  prepared  for  him  by  William  the  Testy.  He 
entered  New  Amsterdam  as  a conqueror,  mounted  on  a 
Narragansett  pacer.  Five  dried  codfish  on  poles,  stand- 
ards taken  from  the  enemy,  were  borne  before  him,  and  an 
immense  store  of  oysters  and  clams,  Weathersfield  onions, 
and  Yankee  “notions”  formed  the  spolia  opima;  while 
several  coiners  of  oyster  shells  were  led  captive  to  grace  the 
hero's  triumph. 

The  procession  was  accompanied  by  a full  band  of  boys 
and  negroes  performing  on  the  popular  instruments  of  rat- 
tle-bones and  clam  shells,  while  Antony  Van  Corlear 
sounded  his  trumpet  from  the  ramparts. 

A great  banquet  was  served  up  in  the  stadthouse  from 
the  clams  and  oysters  taken  from  the  enemy,  while  the 
governor  sent  the  shells  privately  to  the  mint  and  had 
them  coined  into  Indian  money,  with  which  he  paid  his 
troops. 

It  is  moreover  said  that  the  governor,  calling  to  mind 
the  practice  among  the  ancients  to  honor  their  victorious 
generals  with  public  statues,  passed  a magnanimous  decree 
by  which  every  tavern  keeper  was  permitted  to  paint  the 
head  of  Stoffel  Brinkerhoff  upon  his  sign! 


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HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


155 


CHAPTER  VII. 

GROWING  DISCONTENTS  OF  NEW  AMSTERDAM  UNDER  THE 
GOVERNMENT  OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY. 

It  has  been  remarked  by  the  observant  writer  of  the 
Stuyvesant  manuscript  that  under  the  administration  of 
William  Kieft  the  disposition  of  the  inhabitants  of  New 
Amsterdam  experienced  an  essential  change,  so  that  they 
became  very  meddlesome  and  factious.  The  unfortunate 
propensity  of  the  little  governor  to  experiment  and  inno- 
vation and  the  frequent  exacerbations  of  his  temper  kept 
his  council  in  a continual  worry;  and  the  council  being  to 
the  people  at  large  what  yeast  or  leaven  is  to  a batch,  they 
threw  the  whole  community  in  a ferment;  and  the  people 
at  large  being  to  the  city  what  the  mind  is  to  the  body,  the 
unhappy  commotions  they  underwent  operated  most  disas- 
trously upon  New  Amsterdam,  insomuch  that  in  certain  of 
their  paroxysms  of  consternation  and  perplexity  they  begat 
several  of  the  most  crooked,  distorted,  and  abominable 
streets,  lanes,  and  alleys  with  which  this  metropolis  is  dis- 
figured. 

The  fact  was,  that  about  this  time  the  community,  like 
Balaam's  ass,  began  to  grow  more  enlightened  than  its 
rider,  and  to  show  a disposition  for  what  is  called  “ self- 
government."  This  restive  propensity  was  first  evinced  in 
certain  popular  meetings  in  which  the  burghers  of  New 
Amsterdam  met  to  talk  and  smoke  over  the  complicated 
affairs  of  the  province,  gradually  obfuscating  themselves 
with  politics  and  tobacco-smoke.  Hither  resorted  those 
idlers  and  squires  of  low  degree  who  hang  loose  on  society 
and  are  blown  about  by  every  wind  of  doctrine.  Cobblers 
abandoned  their  stalls  to  give  lessons  on  political  economy; 
blacksmiths  suffered  their  fires  to  go  out  while  they  stirred 
up  the  fires  of  faction;  and  even  tailors,  though  said  to  be 
the  ninth  parts  of  humanity,  neglected  their  own  measures 
to  criticise  the  measures  of  government, 


156 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Strange  that  the  science  of  government,  which  seems  to 
be  so  generally  understood,  should  invariably  be  denied  to 
the  only  one  called  upon  to  exercise  it!  Not  one  of  the 
politicians  in  question  but,  take  his  word  for  it,  could  have 
administered  affairs  ten  times  better  than  William  the 
Testy. 

Under  the  instructions  of  these  political  oracles  the 
good  people  of  New  Amsterdam  soon  became  exceedingly 
enlightened,  and,  as  a matter  of  course,  exceedingly  dis- 
contented. They  gradually  found  out  the  fearful  error  in 
which  they  had  indulged  of  thinking  themselves  the  hap- 
piest people  in  creation,  and  were  convinced  that,  all  cir- 
cumstances to  the  contrary  notwithstanding,  they  were  a 
very  unhappy,  deluded,  and  consequently  ruined  people! 

We  are  naturally  prone  to  discontent  and  avaricious 
after  imaginary  causes  of  lamentation.  Like  lubberly 
monks,  we  belabor  our  own  shoulders,  and  take  a vast  satis- 
faction in  the  music  of  our  own  groans.  Nor  is  this  said 
by  way  of  paradox:  daily  experience  shows  the  truth  of 
these  observations.  It  is  almost  impossible  to  elevate  the 
spirits  of  a man  groaning  under  ideal  calamities;  but  noth- 
ing is  easier  than  to  render  him  wretched  though  on  the 
pinnacle  of  felicity;  as  it  would  be  an  Herculean  task  to 
hoist  a man  to  the  top  of  a steeple,  though  the  merest  child 
could  topple  him  off  thence. 

I must  not  omit  to  mention  that  these  popular  meetings 
were  generally  held  at  some  noted  tavern,  these  public 
edifices  possessing  what  in  modern  times  are  thought  the 
true  fountains  of  political  inspiration.  The  ancient  Ger- 
mans deliberated  upon  a matter  when  drunk,  and  recon- 
sidered it  when  sober.  Mob  politicians  in  modern  times 
dislike  to  have  two  minds  upon  a subject;  so  they  both  de- 
liberate and  act  when  drunk;  by  this  means  a world  of  de- 
lay is  spared,  and  as  it  is  universally  allowed  that  a man 
when  drunk  sees  double,  it  follows  conclusively  that  he  sees 
twice  as  well  as  his  sober  neighbors. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


157 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

OF  THE  EDICT  OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY  AGAINST  TOBACCO 

— OF  THE  PIPE  PLOT,  AND  THE  RISE  OF  FEUDS  AND 

PARTIES. 

Wilhelmus  Kieft,  as  has  already  been  observed,  was 
a great  legislator  on  a small  scale,  and  had  a microscopic 
eye  in  public  affairs.  He  had  been  greatly  annoyed  by  the 
factious  meetings  of  the  good  people  of  New  Amsterdam, 
but,  observing  that  on  these  occasions  the  pipe  was  ever  in 
their  mouth,  he  began  to  think  that  the  pipe  was  at  the 
bottom  of  the  affair,  and  that  there  was  some  mysterious 
affinity  between  politics  and  tobacco  smoke.  Determined 
to  strike  at  the  root  of  the  evil,  he  began,  forthwith,  to 
rail  at  tobacco  as  a noxious,  naseous  weed,  filthy  in  all  its 
uses ; and  as  to  smoking,  he  denounced  it  as  a heavy  tax 
upon  the  public  pocket,  a vast  consumer  of  time,  a great 
encourager  of  idleness,  and  a deadly  bane  to  the  prosper- 
ity and  morals  of  the  people.  Finally,  he  issued  an  edict 
prohibiting  the  smoking  of  tobacco  throughout  the  New 
Netherlands.  Ill-fated  Kieft ! Had  he  lived  in  the 
present  age  and  attempted  to  check  the  unbounded  license 
of  the  press,  he  could  not  have  struck  more  sorely  upon 
the  sensibilities  of  the  million.  The  pipe,  in  fact,  was 
the  great  organ  of  reflection  and  deliberation  of  the  New 
Netherlander.  It  was  his  constant  companion  and  solace: 
was  he  gay,  he  smoked ; was  he  sad,  he  smoked ; his 
pipe  was  never  out  of  his  mouth  ; it  was  a part  of  his 
physiognomy;  without  it  his  best  friends  would  not  know 
him.  Take  away  his  pipe?  You  might  as  well  take  away 
his  nose  ! 

The  immediate  effect  of  the  edict  of  William  the  Testy 
was  a popular  commotion.  A vast  multitude,  armed  with 
pipes  and  tobacco  boxes  and  an  immense  supply  of  ammu- 
nition, sat  themselves  down  before  the  governors  house 


158 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


and  fell  to  smoking  with  tremendous  violence.  The  Testy 
William  issued  forth  like  a wrathful  spider,  demanding 
the  reason  of  this  lawless  fumigation.  The  sturdy  rioters 
replied  by  lolling  back  in  their  seats  and  puffing  away 
with  redoubled  fury,  raising  such  a murky  cloud  that  the 
governor  was  fain  to  take  refuge  in  the  interior  of  his 
castle. 

A long  negotiation  ensued  through  the  medium  of  An- 
tony the  Trumpeter.  The  governor  was  at  first  wrathful 
and  unyielding,  but  was  gradually  smoked  into  terms.  He 
concluded  by  permitting  the  smoking  of  tobacco,  but  he 
abolished  the  fair  long  pipes  used  in  the  days  of  Wouter 
Van  Twiller,  denoting  ease,  tranquillity,  and  sobriety  of 
deportment;  these  he  condemned  as  incompatible  with  the 
dispatch  of  business;  in  place  whereof  he  substituted  little 
captious  short  pipes,  two  inches  in  length,  which  he  ob- 
served could  be  stuck  in  one  corner  of  the  mouth  or 
twisted  in  the  hat-band,  and  would  never  be  in  the  way. 
Thus  ended  this  alarming  insurrection,  which  was  long 
known  by  the  name  of  The  Pipe  Plot,  and  which,  it  has 
been  somewhat  quaintly  observed,  did  end,  like  most  plots 
and  seditions,  in  mere  smoke. 

But  mark,  0 reader  ! the  deplorable  evils  which  did 
afterward  result.  The  smoke  of  these  villainous  little 
pipes,  continually  ascending  in  a cloud  about  the  nose, 
penetrated  into  and  befogged  the  cerebellum,  dried  up  all 
the  kindly  moisture  of  the  brain,  and  rendered  the  people 
who  used  them  as  vaporish  and  testy  as  the  governor  him- 
self. Nay,  what  is  worse,  from  being  goodly,  burly,  sleek- 
conditioned  men,  they  became,  like  our  Dutch  yeomanry 
who  smoke  short  pipes,  a lantern-jawed,  smoke-dried, 
leathern-hided  race. 

Nor  was  this  all.  From  this  fatal  schism  in  tobacco- 
pipes  we  may  date  the  rise  of  parties  in  the  Nieuw  Neder- 
landts.  The  rich  and  self-important  burghers  who  had  made 
their  fortunes  and  could  afford  to  be  lazy  adhered  to  the 
ancient  fashion,  and  formed  a kind  of  aristocracy  known 
as  the  Long  Pipes ; while  the  lower  order,  adopting  the 
reform  of  William  Kieft  as  more  convenient  in  their  hand- 
icraft employments,  were  branded  with  the  plebeian  name 
of  Short  Pipes. 

A third  party  sprang  up,  headed  by  the  descendants  of 
Robert  Chewit,  the  companion  of  the  great  Hudson. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


159 


These  discarded  pipes  altogether  and  took  to  chewing  to- 
bacco; hence  they  were  called  Quids — an  appellation  since 
given  to  those  political  mongrels  which  sometimes  spring 
up  between  two  great  parties,  as  a mule  is  produced  between 
a horse  and  an  ass. 

And  here  I would  note  the  great  benefit  of  party  dis- 
tinctions in  saving  the  people  at  large  the  trouble  of  think- 
ing. Hesiod  divides  mankind  into  three  classes — those  who 
think  for  themselves,  those  who  think  as  others  think,  and 
those  who  do  not  think  at  all.  The  second  class  comprises 
the  great  mass  of  society,  for  most  people  require  a set 
creed  and  file-leader.  Hence  the  origin  of  party,  which 
means  a large  body  of  people  some  few  of  whom  think 
and  all  the  rest  talk.  The  former  take  the  lead  and  disci- 
pline the  latter,  prescribing  what  they  must  say,  what  they 
must  approve,  what  they  must  hoot  at,  whom  they  must 
support,  but,  above  all,  whom  they  must  hate;  for  no  one 
can  be  a right  good  partisan  who  is  not  a thorough-going 
hater. 

The  enlightened  inhabitants  of  the  Manhattoes,  therefore 
being  divided  into  parties,  were  enabled  to  hate  each  other 
with  great  accuracy.  And  now  the  great  business  of  poli- 
tics went  bravely  on,  the  Long  Pipes  and  Short  Pipes  as- 
sembling in  separate  beer-houses,  and  smoking  at  each 
other  with  implacable  vehemence,  to  the  great  support  of 
the  state  and  profit  of  the  tavern  keepers.  Some,  indeed, 
went  so  far  as  to  bespatter  their  adversaries  with  those 
odoriferous  little  words  which  smell  so  strong  in  the  Dutch 
language,  believing,  like  true  politicians,  that  they  served 
their  party  and  glorified  themselves  in  proportion  as  they 
bewrayed  their  neighbors.  But,  however  they  might  differ 
among  themselves,  all  parties  agreed  in  abusing  the  gov- 
ernor, seeing  that  he  was  not  a governor  of  their  choice, 
but  appointed  by  others  to  rule  over  them. 

Unhappy  William  Kieft!  exclaims  the  sage  writer  of 
the  Stuyvesant  manuscript,  doomed  to  contend  with  en- 
emies too  knowing  to  be  entrapped,  and  to  reign  over  a 
people  too  wise  to  be  governed.  All  his  foreign  expedi- 
tions were  baffled  and  set  at  naught  by  the  all-pervading 
Yankees;  all  his  home  measures  were  canvassed  and  con- 
demmed  by  “numerous  and  respectable  meetings”  of  pot- 
house politicians. 

In  the  multitude  of  counselors,  we  are  told,  there  is 


160 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


safety;  but  the  multitude  of  counselors  was  a continual 
source  of  perplexity  to  William  Kieft.  With  a tempera- 
ment as  hot  as  an  old  radish,  and  a mind  subject  to  per- 
petual whirlwinds  and  tornadoes,  he  never  failed. to  get 
into  a passion  with  every  one  who  undertook  to  advise  him. 
I have  observed,  however,  that  your  passionate  little  men, 
like  small  boats  with  large  sails,  are  easily  upset  or  blown 
out  of  their  course;  so  was  it  with  William  the  Testy,  who 
was  prone  to  be  carried  away  by  the  last  piece  of  advice 
blown  into  his  ear.  The  consequence  was  that,  though  a 
projector  of  the  first  class,  yet  by  continually  changing  his 
projects  he  gave  none  a fair  trial,  and  by  endeavoring  to  do 
everything,  he  in  sober  truth  did  nothing. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  sovereign  people,  having  got  into 
the  saddle,  showed  themselves,  as  usual,  unmerciful  riders, 
spurring  on  the  little  governor  with  harangues  and  peti- 
tions, and  thwarting  him  with  memorials  and  reproaches, 
in  much  the  same  way  as  holiday  apprentices  manage  an 
unlucky  devil  of  a hack-horse;  so  that  Wilhelmus  Kieft 
was  kept  at  a worry  or  a gallop  throughout  the  whole  of 
his  administration. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK \ 


161 


CHAPTER  IX. 

OF  THE  FOLLY  OF  BEING  HAPPY  IN  TIME  OF  PROSPERITY 
— OF  TROUBLES  TO  THE  SOUTH  BROUGHT  ON  BY  AN- 
NEXATION— OF  THE  SECRET  EXPEDITION  OF  JAN  JAN- 
SEN ALPENDAM,  AND  HIS  MAGNIFICENT  REWARD. 

If  we  could  but  get  a peep  at  the  tally  of  Dame  Fort- 
une, where  like  a vigilant  landlady  she  chalks  up  the 
debtor  and  creditor  accounts  of  thoughtless  mortals,  we 
should  find  that  every  good  is  checked  off  by  an  evil,  and 
that  however  we  may  apparently  revel  scot-free  for  a season, 
the  time  will  come  when  we  must  ruefully  pay  off  the 
reckoning.  Fortune,  in  fact,  is  a pestilent  shrew,  and 
withal  an  inexorable  creditor ; and  though  for  a time  she 
may  be  all  smiles  and  courtesies  and  indulge  us  in  long 
credits,  yet  sooner  or  later  she  brings  up  her  arrears  with  a 
vengeance,  and  washes  out  her  scores  with  our  tears. 
“ Since,”  says  good  old  Boetius,  “no  man  can  retain  her 
at  his  pleasure,  what  are  her  favors  but  sure  prognostica- 
tions of  approaching  trouble  and  calamity?” 

This  is  the  fundamental  maxim  of  that  sage  school  of 
philosophers  the  croakers,  who  esteem  it  true  wisdom  to 
doubt  and  despond  when  other  men  rejoice,  well  knowing 
that  happiness  is  at  best  but  transient;  that  the  higher  one 
is  elevated  on  the  see-saw  balance  of  fortune  the  lower 
must  be  his  subsequent  depression;  that  he  who  is  on  the 
uppermost  round  of  a ladder  has  most  to  suffer  from  a fall, 
while  he  who  is  at  the  bottom  runs  very  little  risk  of  break- 
ing his  neck  by  tumbling  to  the  top. 

Philosophical  readers  of  this  stamp  must  have  doubtless 
indulged  in  dismal  forebodings  all  through  the  tranquil 
reign  of  Walter  the  Doubter,  and  considered  it  what  Dutch 
seamen  call  a weather-breeder.  They  will  not  be  surprised, 
therefore,  that  the  foul  weather  which  gathered  during  his 
days  should  now  be  rattling  from  all  quarters  on  the  head 
of  William  the  Testy. 


162 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


The  origin  of  some  of  these  troubles  may  be  traced  quite 
back  to  the  discoveries  and  annexations  of  Hans  Reinier 
Oothout  the  explorer  and  Winant  Ten  Breeches  the  land 
measurer,  made  in  the  twilight  days  of  0 Ioffe  the  Dreamer, 
by  which  the  territories  of  the  Nieuw  Nederlandts  were  car- 
ried far  to  the  south,  to  Delaware  River  and  parts  beyond. 
The  consequence  was,  many  disputes  and  brawls  with  the 
Indians,  which  now  and  then  reached  the  drowsy  ears  of 
Walter  the  Doubter  and  his  council,  like  the  muttering  of 
distant  thunder  from  behind  the  mountains,  without, 
however,  disturbing  their  repose.  It  was  not  till  the  time 
of  William  the  Testy  that  the  thunderbolt  reached  the 
Manhattoes.  While  the  little  governor  was  diligently 
protecting  his  eastern  boundaries  from  the  Yankees,  word 
was  brought  him  of  the  irruption  of  a vagrant  colony  of 
Swedes  in  the  South,  who  had  landed  on  the  banks  of  the 
Delaware  and  displayed  the  banner  of  that  redoubtable 
virago  Queen  Christina,  and  taken  possession  of  the  coun- 
try in  her  name.  These  had  been  guided  in  their  expedi- 
tion by  one  Peter  Minuits  orMinnewits,  a renegade  Dutch- 
man, formerly  in  the  service  of  their  High  Mightinesses, 
but  who  now  declared  himself  governor  of  all  the  surround- 
ing country,  to  which  was  given  the  name  of  the  province 
of  New  Sweden. 

It  is  an  old  saying  that  “a  little  pot  is  soon  hot,”  which 
was  the  case  with  William  the  Testy.  Being  a little  man, 
he  was  soon  in  a passion,  and  once  in  a passion  he  soon 
boiled  over.  Summoning  his  council  on  the  receipt  of  this 
news,  he  belabored  the  Swedes  in  the  longest  speech  that 
had  been  heard  in  the  colony  since  the  wordy  warfare  of 
Ten  Breeches  and  Tough  Breeches.  Having  thus  taken 
off  the  fire-edge  of  his  valor,  he  resorted  to  his  favorite 
measure  of  proclamation,  and  dispatched  a document  of 
the  kind,  ordering  the  renegade  Minnewits  and  his  gang 
of  Swedish  vagabonds  to  leave  the  country  immediately, 
under  pain  of  the  vengeance  of  their  High  Mightinesses 
the  Lords  States  General  and  of  the  potentates  of  the 
Manhattoes. 

This  strong  measure  was  not  a whit  more  effectual  than 
its  predecessors  which  had  been  thundered  against  the 
Yankees,  and  William  Kieft  was  preparing  to  follow  it  up 
with  something  still  more  formidable,  when  he  received 
intelligence  of  other  invaders  on  his  southern  frontier,  who 


v 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


163 


had  taken  possession  of  the  banks  of  the  Schuylkill  and 
built  a fort  there.  They  were  represented  as  a gigantic- 
gunpowder  race  of  men,  exceedingly  expert  at  boxing, 
biting,  gouging,  and  other  branches  of  the  rough-and, 
tumble  mode  of  warfare,  which  they  had  learned  from 
their  prototypes  and  cousins-german,  the  Virginians,  to 
whom  they  have  ever  borne  considerable  resemblance. 
Like  them,  too,  they  were  great  roysterers,  much  given  to 
revel  on  hoe-cake  and  bacon,  mint-julep  and  apple-toddy  ; 
whence  their  newly-formed  colony  had  already  acquired 
the  name  of  Merryland,  which,  with  a slight  modification, 
it  retains  to  the  present  day. 

In  fact,  the  Merrylanders  and  their  cousins,  the  Vir- 
ginians, were  represented  to  William  Kieft  as  offsets  from 
the  same  original  stock  as  his  bitter  enemies  Yanokie  or 
Yankee  tribes  of  the  east,  having  both  come  over  to  this 
country  for  the  liberty  of  conscience,  or,  in  other  words,  to  live 
as  they  pleased — the  Yankees  taking  to  praying  and  money- 
making and  converting  quakers,  and  the  Southerners  to 
horse-racing  and  cock-fighting  and  breeding  negroes. 

Against  these  new  invaders  Wilhelmus  Kieft  immediately 
dispatched  a naval  armament  of  two  sloops  and  thirty 
men,  under  Jan  Jansen  Alpendam,  who  was  armed  to  the 
very  teeth  with  one  of  the  little  governor’s  most  powerful 
speeches,  written  in  vigorous  Low  Dutch. 

Admiral  Alpendam  arrived  without  accident  in  the 
Schuylkill,  and  came  upon  the  enemy  just  as  they  were 
engaged  in  a great  “barbecue,”  a kind  of  festivity  or 
carouse  much  practised  in  Merryland.  Opening  upon 
them  with  the  speech  of  William  the  Testy,  he  denounced 
them  as  a pack  of  lazy,  canting,  julep-tippling,  cock-fight- 
ing, horse-racing,  slave-driving,  tavern-haunting.  Sabbath- 
breaking, mulatto-breeding  upstarts,  and  concluded  by 
ordering  them  to  evacuate  the  country  immediately ; to 
which  they  laconicallv  replied,  in  plain  English, “ they’d 
see  him  d d first  !” 

Now,  this  was  a reply  on  which  neither  Jan  Jansen 
Alpendam  nor  Wilhelmus  Kieft  had  made  any  calculation. 
Finding  himself,  therefore,  totally  unprepared  to  answer 
so  terrible  a rebuff  with  suitable  hostility,  the  admiral  con- 
cluded his  wisest  course  would  be  to  return  home  and  re- 
port progress.  He  accordingly  steered  his  course  back  to 
New  Amsterdam,  where  he  arrived  safe,  having  accom- 


164 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


plished  this  hazardous  enterprise  at  small  expense  of  treas- 
ure and  no  loss  of  life.  His  saving  policy  gained  him  the 
universal  appellation  of  the  Savior  of  his  Country,  and 
his  services  were  suitably  rewarded  by  a shingle  monument, 
erected  by  subscription  on  the  top  of  Flattenbarrack  Hill, 
where  it  immortalized  his  name  for  three  whole  years  when 
it  fell  to  pieces  and  was  burnt  for  firewood. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


165 


CHAPTER  X. 

TROUBLOUS  TIMES  ON  THE  HUDSON— HOW  KILLIAN  VAN 

RENSELLAER  ERECTED  A FEUDEL  CASTLE,  AND  HOW 

HE  INTRODUCED  CLUB  LAW  INTO  THE  PROVINCE. 

About  this  time  the  testy  little  governor  of  the  New 
Netherlands  appears  to  have  had  his  hands  full,  and  with 
one  annoyance  and  the  other  to  have  been  kept  contin- 
ually on  the  bounce.  He  was  on  the  very  point  of  follow- 
ing up  the  expedition  of  Jan  Jansen  Alpendam  by  some 
belligerent  measures  against  the  marauders  of  Merryland, 
when  his  attention  was  suddenly  called  away  by  belligerent 
troubles  springing  up  in  another  quarter,  the  seeds  of 
which  had  been  sown  in  the  tranquil  days  of  Walter  the 
Doubter. 

The  reader  will  recollect  the  deep  doubt  into  which  that 
most  pacific  governor  was  thrown  on  Killian  Van  Rensel- 
laers  taking  possession  of  Bearn  Island  by  wapen  recht. 
While  the  governor  doubted  and  did  nothing,  the  lordly 
Killian  went  on  to  complete  his  sturdy  little  castellum  of 
Rensellaerstein,  and  to  garrison  it  with  a number  of  his 
tenants  from  the  Helderburg,  a mountain  region  famous 
for  the  hardest  heads  and  hardest  fists  in  the  province. 
Nicholas  Koorn,  a faithful  squire  of  the  patroon,  accus- 
tomed to  strut  at  his  heels,  wear  his  cast-off  clothes,  and 
imitate  his  lofty  bearing,  was  established  in  this  post  as 
wacht-meester.  His  duty  it  was  to  keep  an  eye  on  the 
river  and  oblige  every  vessel  that  passed,  unless  on  the  ser- 
vice of  their  High  Mightinesses,  to  strike  its  flag,  lower 
its  peak,  and  pay  toll  to  the  lord  of  Rensellaerstein. 

This  assumption  of  sovereign  authority  within  the  terri- 
tories of  the  Lords  States  General,  however  it  might  have 
been  tolerated  by  Walter  the  Doubter,  had  been  sharply 
contested  by  William  the  Testy  on  coming  into  office,  and 
many  written  remonstrances  had  been  addressed  by  him  to 


166 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Killian  Van  Rensellaer,  to  which  the  latter  never  deigned 
a reply.  Thus  by  degrees  a sore  place — or,  in  Hibernian 
parlance,  a raw — had  been  established  in  the  irritable  soul 
of  the  little  governor,  insomuch  that  he  winced  at  the  very 
name  of  Rensellaerstein. 

Now,  it  came  to  pass  that  on  a fine  sunny  day  the  Com- 
pany^ yacht  the  Half-Moon,  having  been  on  one  of  its 
stated  visits  to  Fort  Aurania,  was  quietly  tiding  it  down 
the  Hudson;  the  commander,  Govert  Lockerman,  a vet- 
eran Dutch  skipper  of  few  words  but  great  bottom,  was 
seated  on  the  high  poop,  quietly  smoking  his  pipe,  under 
the  shadow  of  the  proud  flag  of  Orange,  when  on  arriving 
abreast  of  Bearn  Island,  he  was  saluted  by  a stentorian 

voice  from  the  shore:  “ Lower  thy  flag,  and  be  d d to 

thee!" 

Govert  Lockerman,  without  taking  his  pipe  out  of  his 
mouth,  turned  up  his  eye  from  under  his  broad-brimmed 
hat  to  see  who  hailed  him  thus  discourteously.  There,  on 
the  ramparts  of  the  fort,  stood  Nicholas  Koorn,  armed  to 
the  teeth,  flourishing  a brass-hilted  sword,  while  a steeple- 
crowned  hat  and  cockVtail  feather,  formerly  worn  by 
Killian  Van  Rensellaer  himself,  gave  an  inexpressible  loft- 
iness to  his  demeanor. 

Govert  Lockerman  eyed  the  warrior  from  top  to  toe,  but 
was  not  to  be  dismayed.  Taking  the  pipe  slowly  out 
of  his  mouth,  “ To  whom  should  I lower  my  flag ?"  de- 
manded he. 

“ To  the  high  and  mighty  Killian  Van  Rensellaer,  the 
lord  of  Rensellaerstein!"  was  the  reply. 

“1  lower  it  to  none  but  the  Prince  of  Orange  and  my  mas- 
ters the  Lords  States  General."  So  saying,  he  resumed  his 
pipe  and  smoked  with  an  air  of  dogged  determination. 

Bang!  went  a gun  from  the  fortress;  the  ball  cut  both 
sail  and  rigging.  Govert  Lockerman  said  nothing,  but 
smoked  the  more  doggedly. 

Bang!  went  another  gun ; the  shot  whistling  close 
astern. 

“ Fire,  and  be  d d !"  cried  Govert  Lockerman,  cram- 

ming a new  charge  of  tobacco  into  his  pipe  and  smoking 
with  still  increasing  vehemence. 

Bang!  went  a third  gun.  The  shot  passed  over  his  head, 
tearing  a hole  in  the  “princely  flag  of  Orange." 

This  was  the  hardest  trial  of  all  for  the  pride  and  pa- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


167 


tience  of  Govert  Lockerman  ; he  maintained  a stubborn 
though  swelling  silence,  but  his  smothered  rage  might  be 
perceived  by  the  short  vehement  puffs  of  smoke  emitted 
from  his  pipe,  by  which  he  might  be  tracked  for  miles  as 
he  slowly  floated  out  of  shot  and  out  of  sight  of  Bearn 
Island.  In  fact,  he  never  gave  vent  to  his  passion  until 
he  got  fairly  among  the  Highlands  of  the  Hudson,  when 
he  let  fly  whole  volleys  of  Dutch  oaths,  which  are  said  to 
linger  to  this  very  day  among  the  echoes  of  the  Dunder- 
berg,  and  to  give  particular  effect  to  the  thunder  storms  in 
that  neighborhood. 

It  was  the  sudden  apparition  of  Govert  Lockerman  at 
Dog's  Misery,  bearing  in  his  hand  the  tattered  flag  of 
Orange,  that  arrested  the  attention  of  William  the  Testy 
just  as  he  was  devising  a new  expedition  against  the 
marauders  of  Merrylaml.  I will  not  pretend  to  describe 
the  passion  of  the  little  man  when  he  heard  of  the  out- 
rage of  Rensellaerstein.  Suffice  it  to  say,  in  the  first 
transports  of  his  fury  he  turned  Dog's  Misery  topsy- 
turvy, kicked  every  cur  out  of  doors,  and  threw  the  cats 
out  of  the  window;  after  which,  his  spleen  being  in  some 
measure  relieved,  he  went  into  a council  of  war  with  Gov- 
ert Lockerman  the  skipper,  assisted  by  Antony  Van  Cor- 
lear  the  trumpeter. 


168 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


CHAPTER  XI. 

OF  THE  DIPLOMATIC  MISSION  OF  ANTONY  THE  TRUM- 
PETER TO  THE  FORTRESS  OF  RENSELLAERSTEIN — AND 

HOW  HE  WAS  PUZZLED  BY  A CABALISTIC  REPLY. 

The  eyes  of  all  New  Amsterdam  were  now  turned  to  see 
what  would  be  the  end  of  this  direful  feud  between  William 
the  Testy  and  the  patroon  of  Rensellaerwick;  and  some, 
observing  the  consultations  of  the  governor  with  the  skipper 
and  the  trumpeter,  predicted  warlike  measures  by  sea  and 
land.  The  wrath  of  William  Kieft,  however,  though  quick 
to  rise,  was  quick  to  evaporate.  He  was  a perfect  brush- 
heap  in  a blaze,  snapping  and  crackling  for  a time,  and 
then  ending  in  smoke.  Like  many  other  valiant  potent- 
ates, his  first  thoughts  were  all  for  war,  his  sober  second 
thoughts  for  diplomacy. 

Accordingly  Govert  Locker  man  was  once  more  dis- 
patched up  the  river  in  the  Company's  yacht,  the  Goed 
Hoop,  bearing  Antony  the  Trumpeter  as  ambassador  to 
treat  with  the  belligerent  powers  of  Rensellaerstein.  In 
the  fullness  of  time  the  yacht  arrived  before  Bearn  Island, 
and  Antony  the  Trumpeter,  mounting  the  poop,  sounded  a 
parley  to  the  fortress.  In  a little  while  the  steeple-crowned 
hat  of  Nicholas  Koorn,  the  wacht-meester,  rose  above  the 
battlements,  followed  by  his  iron  visage,  and  ultimately 
his  whole  person,  armed,  as  before,  to  the  very  teeth,  while 
one  by  one  a whole  row  of  Helderbergers  reared  their 
round  burly  heads  above  the  wall,  and  beside  each  pump 
kin  head  peered  the  end  of  a rusty  musket.  Nothing 
daunted  by  this  formidable  array,  Antony  Van  Corlear 
drew  forth  and  read  with  audible  voice  a missive  from 
William  the  Testy  protesting  against  the  usurpation  of 
Bearn  Island,  and  ordering  the  garrison  to  quit  the  prem- 
ises, bag  and  baggage,  on  pain  of  the  vengeance  of  the 
potentate  of  the  Manhattoes. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


169 


In  reply  the  waclit-meester  applied  the  thumb  of  his  right 
hand  to  the  end  of  his  nose  and  the  thumb  of  the  left  hand 
to  the  little  finger  of  the  right,  and,  spreading  each  hand 
like  a fan,  made  an  aerial  flourish  with  his  fingers.  Antony 
Van  Corlear  was  sorely  perplexed  to  understand  this  sign, 
which  seemed  to  him  something  mysterious  and  masonic. 
Not  liking  to  betray  his  ignorance,  he  again  read  with  a 
loud  voice  the  missive  of  William  the  Testy,  and  again 
Nicholas  Koorn  applied  the  thumb  of  his  right  hand  to 
the  end  of  his  nose  and  the  thumb  of  his  left  hand  to  the 
little  finger  of  the  right,  and  repeated  this  kind  of  nasal 
weather-cock.  Antony  Van  Corlear  now  persuaded  him- 
self that  this  was  some  short-hand  sign  or  symbol  current  in 
diplomacy,  which,  though  unintelligible  to  a new  diplomat 
like  himself,  would  speak  volumes  to  the  experienced  in- 
tellect of  William  the  Testy  ; considering  his  embassy 
therefore  at  an  end,  he  sounded  his  trumpet  with  great 
complacency  and  set  sail  on  his  return  down  the  river, 
every  now  and  then  practising  this  mysterious  sign  of  the 
wacht-meester  to  keep  it  accurately  in  mind. 

Arrived  at  New  Amsterdam,  he  made  a faithful  report 
of  his  embassy  to  the  governor,  accompanied  by  a manual 
exhibition  of  the  response  of  Nicholas  Koorn.  The  gov- 
ernor was  equally  perplexed  with  his  ambassador.  He  was 
deeply  versed  in  the  mysteries  of  freemasonry,  but  they 
threw  no  light  on  the  matter.  He  knew  every  variety  of 
windmill  and  weathercock,  but  was  not  a whit  the  wiser  as 
to  the  aerial  sign  in  question.  He  had  even  dabbled  in 
Egyptian  hieroglyphics  and  the  mystic  symbols  of  the 
obelisks,  but  none  furnished  a key  to  the  reply  of  Nicholas 
Koorn.  He  called  a meeting  of  his  council.  Antony  Van 
Corlear  stood  forth  in  the  midst,  and,  putting  the  thumb  of 
his  right  hand  to  his  nose  and  the  thumb  of  his  left  hand 
to  the  finger  of  the  right,  he  gave  a faithful  fac-simile  of 
the  portentous  sign.  Having  a nose  of  unusual  dimensions, 
it  was  as  if  the  reply  had  been  put  in  capitals,  but  all  in 
vain;  the  worthy  burgomasters  were  equally  perplexed 
with  the  governor.  Each  one  put  his  thumb  to  the  end  of 
his  nose,  spread  his  fingers  like  a fan,  imitated  the  motion 
of  Antony  Van  Corlear,  and  then  smoked  on  in  dubious 
silence.  Several  times  was  Antony  obliged  to  stand 
forth  like  a fugleman  and  repeat  the  sign,  and  each  time  a 
circle  of  nasal  weathercocks  might  be  seen  in  the  council- 
chamber. 


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HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


Perplexed  in  the  extreme,  William  the  Testy  sent  for  all 
the  soothsayers  and  fortune-tellers  and  wise  men  of  the 
Manhattoes,  but  none  could  interpret  the  mysterious  reply 
of  Nicholas  Koorn.  The  council  broke  up  in  sore  per- 
plexity. The  matter  got  abroad;  Antony  Van  Corlear  was 
stopped  at  every  corner  to  repeat  the  signal  to  a knot  of 
anxious  newsmongers,  each  of  whom  departed  with  his 
thumb  to  his  nose  and  his  fingers  in  the  air,  to  carry  the 
story  home  to  his  family.  For  several  days  all  business 
was  neglected  in  New  Amsterdam;  nothing  was  talked  of 
but  the  diplomatic  mission  of  Antony  the  Trumpeter,  noth- 
ing was  to  be  seen  but  knots  of  politicians  with  their 
thumbs  to  their  noses.  In  the  meantime  the  fierce  feud 
between  William  the  Testy  and  Killian  Van  Kensellaer, 
which  at  first  had  menaced  deadly  warfare,  gradually 
cooled  off,  like  many  other  war  questions,  in  the  prolonged 
delays  of  diplomacy. 

Still,  to  this  early  affair  of  Rensellaerstein  may  be  traced 
the  remote  origin  of  those  windy  wars  in  modern  days 
which  rage  in  the  bowels  of  the  Helderberg,  and  have  well- 
nigh  shaken  the  great  patroonship  of  the  Van  Rensellaers 
to  its  foundation;  for  we  are  told  that  the  bully  boys  of  the 
Helderberg,  who  served  under  Nicholas  Koorn  the  wacht- 
meester,  carried  back  to  their  mountains  the  hieroglyphic 
sign  which  had  so  sorely  puzzled  Antony  Van  Corlear  and 
the  sages  of  the  Manhattoes,  so  that  to  the  present  day  the 
thumb  to  the  nose  and  the  fingers  in  the  air  is  apt  to  be  the 
reply  of  the  Helderbergers  whenever  called  upon  for  any 
long  arrears  of  rent. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


171 


CHAPTER  XII. 

CONTAINING  THE  RISE  OF  THE  GREAT  AMPHICTYONIC 

COUNCIL  OF  THE  PILGRIMS,  WITH  THE  DECLINE  AND 

FINAL  EXTINCTION  OF  WILLIAM  THE  TESTY. 

It  was  assorted  by  the  wise  men  of  ancient  times,  who 
had  a nearer  opportunity  of  ascertaining  the  fact,  that 
at  the  gate  of  Jupiter's  palace  lay  two  huge  tuns,  one  filled 
with  blessings,  the  other  with  misfortunes;  and  it  would 
verily  seem  as  if  the  latter  had  been  completely  overturned 
and  left  to  deluge  the  unlucky  province  of  Nieuw  Neder- 
land ts,  for  about  this  time,  while  harrassed  and  annoyed 
from  the  south  and  the  north,  incessant  forays  were  made 
by  the  border  chivalry  of  Connecticut  upon  the  pig-styes 
and  hen-roosts  of  the  Nederlandters.  Every  day  or  two 
some  broad  bottomed  express  rider,  covered  with  mud  and 
mire,  would  come  floundering  into  the  gate  of  New  Am- 
sterdam, freighted  with  some  new  tale  of  aggression  from 
the  frontier;  whereupon  Antony  Van  Corlear,  seizing  his 
trumpet,  the  only  substitute  for  a newspaper  in  those  prim- 
itive days,  would  sound  the  tidings  from  the  ramparts  with 
such  doleful  notes  and  disastrous  cadence  as  to  throw  half 
the  old  women  in  the  city  into  hysterics;  all  which  tended 
greatly  to  increase  his  popularity,  there  being  nothing  for 
which  the  public  are  more  grateful  than  being  frequently 
treated  to  a panic — a secret  well  known  to  modern  editors. 

But,  0 ye  powers!  into  what  a paroxysm  of  passion  did 
each  new  outrage  of  the  Yankees  throw  the  choleric  little 
governor!  Letter  after  letter,  protest  after  protest,  bad 
Latin,  worse  English,  and  hideous  Low  Dutch,  were  inces- 
santly fulminated  upon  them,  and  the  four-and-twenty 
letters  of  the  alphabet,  which  formed  his  standing  army, 
were  worn  out  by  constant  campaigning.  All,  however, 
was  ineffectual ; even  the  recent  victory  at  Oyster  Bay, 
which  had  shed  such  a gleam  of  sunshine  between  the 


172 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


clouds  of  his  foul-weather  reign;  was  soon  followed  by  a 
more  fearful  gathering  up  of  those  clouds  and  indications 
of  more  portentous  tempest;  for  the  Yankee  tribe  on  the 
banks  of  the  Connecticut,  finding  on  this  memorable  oc- 
casion their  incompetency  to  cope  in  fair  fight  with  the 
sturdy  chivalry  of  the  Manhattoes,  had  called  to  their  aid 
all  the  ten  tribes  of  their  brethren  who  inhabit  the  east 
country,  which  from  them  has  derived  the  name  of 
Yankee-land.  This  call  was  promptly  responded  to.  The 
consequence  was  a great  confederacy  of  the  tribes  of  Massa- 
chusetts, Connecticut,  New  Plymouth,  and  New  Haven, 
under  the  title  of  the  “ United  Colonies  of  New  England,” 
the  pretended  object  of  which  was  mutual  defense  against 
the  savages,  but  the  real  object  the  subjugation  of  the 
Nieuw  Nederlandts. 

For,  to  let  the  reader  into  one  of  the  great  secrets  of  his- 
tory, the  Nieuw  Nederlandts  had  long  been  regarded  by 
the  whole  Yankee  race  as  the  modern  land  of  promise,  and 
themselves  as  the  chosen  and  peculiar  people  destined,  one 
day  or  other,  by  hook  or  by  crook,  to  get  possession  of  it. 
In  truth,  they  are  a wonderful  and  all-prevalent  people,  of 
that  class  who  only  require  an  inch  to  gain  an  ell  or  a halter 
to  gain  a horse.  From  the  time  they  first  gained  a foot- 
hold on  Plymouth  Rock  they  began  to  migrate,  pro- 
gressing and  progressing  from  place  to  place  and  land  to 
land,  making  a little  here  and  a little  there,  and  contro- 
verting the  old  proverb  that  a rolling  stone  gathers  no 
moss.  Hence  they  have  facetiously  received  the  nickname 
of  The  Pilgrims;  that  is  to  say,  a people  who  are  always 
seeking  a better  country  than  their  own. 

The  tidings  of  this  great  Yankee  league  struck  William 
Kieft  with  dismay,  and  for  once  in  his  life  he  forgot  to 
bounce  on  receiving  a disagreeable  piece  of  intelligence. 
In  fact,  on  turning  over  in  his  mind  all  that  he  had  read 
at  The  Hague  about  leagues  and  combinations,  he  found 
that  this  was  a counterpart  of  the  Amphictyonic  League, 
by  which  the  states  of  Greece  attained  such  power  and 
supremacy ; and  the  very  idea  made  his  heart  quake  for 
the  safety  of  his  empire  at  the  Manhattoes. 

The  affairs  of  the  confederacy  were  managed  by  an 
annual  council  of  delegates  held  at  Boston,  which  Kieft 
denominated  the  Delphos  of  this  truly  classic  league.  The 
very  first  meeting  gave  evidence  of  hostility  to  the  Nieuw 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


173 


Nederland ters,  wlio  were  charged  in  their  dealings  with  the 
Indians  with  carrying  on  a traffic  in  “guns,  powther  and 
shott — a trade  damnable  and  injurious  to  the  colonists.” 
It  is  true  the  Connecticut  traders  were  fain  to  dabble  a 
little  in  this  damnable  traffic,  but  then  they  always  dealt 
in  what  were  termed  Yankee  guns,  ingeniously  calculated 
to  burst  in  the  pagan  hands  which  used  them. 

The  rise  of  this  potent  confederacy  was  a deathblow  to 
the  glory  of  William  the  Testy,  for  from  that  day  forward 
he  never  held  up  his  head,  but  appeared  quite  crestfallen. 
It  is  true  as  the  grand  council  augmented  in  power  and 
the  league,  rolling  onward,  gathered  about  the  red  hills  of 
New  Haven,  threatening  to  overwhelm  the  Nieuw  Neder- 
landts,  he  continued  occasionally  to  fulminate  proclama- 
tions and  protests,  as  a shrewd  sea-captain  fires  his  guns 
into  a water-spout;  but,  alas!  they  had  no  more  effect  than 
so  many  blank  cartridges. 

Thus  end  the  authenticated  chronicles  of  the  reign  of 
William  the  Testy;  for  henceforth,  in  the  troubles,  per- 
plexities, and  confusion  of  the  times,  he  seems  to  have  been 
totally  overlooked,  and  to  have  slipped  forever  through 
the  fingers  of  scrupulous  history.  It  is  a matter  of  deep 
concern  that  such  obscurity  should  hang  over  his  latter 
days;  for  he  was  in  truth  a mighty  and  great  little  man 
and  worthy  of  being  utterly  renowned,  seeing  that  he  was 
the  first  potentate  that  introduced  into  this  land  the  art  of 
fighting  by  proclamation  and  defending  a country  by  trum- 
peters and  windmills. 

It  is  true  that  certain  of  the  early  provincial  poets,  of 
whom  there  were  great  numbers  in  the  Nieuw  Nederlandts, 
taking  advantage  of  his  mysterious  exit,  have  fabled  that, 
like  Romulus,  he  was  translated  to  the  skies  and  forms  a 
very  fiery  little  star  somewhere  on  the  left  claw  of  the  Crab; 
while  others,  equally  fanciful,  declare  that  he  had  exper- 
ienced a fate  similar  to  that  of  the  good  King  Arthur, 
who,  we  are  assured  by  ancient  bards,  was  carried  away  to 
the  delicious  abodes  of  Fairyland,  where  he  still  exists  in 
pristine  worth  and  vigor,  and  will  one  day  or  another  re- 
turn to  restore  the  gallantry,  the  honor,  and  the  immacu- 
late probity  which  prevailed  in  the  glorious  days  of  the 
Round  Table.* 


*The  old  Welsh  bards  believed  that  King  Arthur  was  not  dead, 
but  carried  awaie  by  the  fairies  into  some  pleasant  place,  where  he 


174 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


All  these,  however,  are  but  pleasing  fantasies,  the  cob- 
web visions  of  those  dreaming  varlets,  the  poets,  to  which 
I would  not  have  my  judicious  reader  attach  any  credibil- 
ity. Neither  am  I disposed  to  credit  an  ancient  and  rather 
apocryphal  historian,  who  asserts  that  the  ingenious  Wil- 
helmus  was  annihilated  by  the  blowing  down  of  one  of  his 
windmills;  nor  a writer  of  later  times,  who  affirms  that  he 
fell  a victim  to  an  experiment  in  natural  history,  having 
the  misfortune  to  break  his  neck  from  a garret  window  of 
the  stadthouse  in  attempting  to  catch  swallows  by  sprink- 
ling salt  upon  their  tails.  Still  less  do  I put  my  faith  in 
the  tradition  that  he  perished  at  sea  in  conveying  home  to 
Holland  a treasure  of  golden  ore  discovered  somewhere 
among  the  haunted  regions  of  the  Catskill  Mountains.* * 

sholde  remaine  for  a time,  and  tlien  returne  again e and  reigne  in  as 
great  authority  as  ever. — Hollinshed. 

The  Britons  suppose  that  he  shall  come  yet  and  conquere  all 
Britaigne,  for  certes,  this  is  the  prophicye  of  Merlyn — He  say’d  that 
his  deth  shall  be  doubteous;  and  said  soth,  for  men  thereof  yet  have 
doubte  and  shullen  for  ever  more — for  men  wyt  not  whether  that  he 
lyveth  or  is  dede. — De  Leew.  Chron. 

* Diedrich  Knickerbocker,  in  his  scrupulous  search  after  truth, 
is  sometimes  too  fastidious  in  regard  to  facts  which  border  a little  on 
the  marvelous.  The  story  of  the  golden  ore  rests  on  something  bet- 
ter than  mere  tradition.  The  venerable  Adrian  Van  der  Donck, 
Doctor  of  Laws,  in  his  description  of  the  New  Netherlands,  asserts 
it  from  his  own  observation  as  an  eye-witness.  He  was  present,  he 
says,  in  1645,  at  a treaty  between  Governor  Kieft  and  the  Mohawk 
Indians,  in  which  one  of  the  latter,  in  painting  himself  for  the  cere- 
mony, used  a pigment  the  weight  and  shining  appearance  of  which 
excited  the  curiosity  of  the  governor  and  Mynheer  Van  der  Donck. 
They  obtained  a lump,  and  gave  it  to  be  proved  by  a skillful  doctor 
of  medicine,  Johannes  de  la  Montagne,  one  of  the  councilors  of  the 
New  Netherlands.  It  was  put  into  a crucible,  and  yielded  two 
pieces  of  gold  worth  about  three  guilders.  All  this,  continues 
Adrian  Van  der  Donck,  was  kept  secret.  As  soon  as  peace  was 
made  with  the  Mohawks  an  officer  and  a few  men  were  sent  to  the 
mountain  (in  the  region  of  the  Kaatskill),  under  the  guidance  of  an 
Indian,  to  search  for  the  precious  mineral.  They  brought  back  a 
bucket  full  of  ore,  which  being  submitted  to  the  crucible,  proved  as 
productive  as  the  first.  William  Kieft  now  thought  the  discovery 
certain.  He  sent  a confidential  person,  Arent  Corsen,  with  a bag 
full  of  the  mineral  to  New  Haven,  to  take  passage  in  an  English 
ship  for  England,  thence  to  proceed  to  Holland.  The  vessel  sailed 
at  Christmas,  but  never  reached  her  port.  All  on  board  perished. 

In  the  year  1647,  Wilhelmus  Kieft  himself  embarked  on  board 
the  Princess,  taking  with  him  specimens  of  the  supposed  mineral. 
The  ship  was  never  heard  of  more  ! 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


1% 

The  most  probable  account  declares  that,  what  with  the 
constant  troubles  on  his  frontiers,  the  incessant  schemings 
and  projects  going  on  in  his  own  pericranium,  the  memo- 
rials, petitions,  remonstrances,  and  sage  pieces  of  advice  of 
respectable  meetings  of  the  sovereign  people,  and  the  re- 
fractory disposition  of  his  councilors,  who  were  sure  to 
differ  from  him  on  every  point,  and  uniformly  to  be  in  the 
wrong,  his  mind  was  kept  in  a furnace  heat,  until  he  be- 
came as  completely  burnt  out  as  a Dutch  family  pipe 
which  has  passed  through  three  generations  of  hard  smok- 
ers. In  this  manner  did  he  undergo  a kind  of  animal  com- 
bustion, consuming  away  like  a farthing  rushlight,  so  that 
when  grim  death  finally  snuffed  him  out  there  was  scarce 
left  enough  of  him  to  bury! 

Some  liave  supposed  that  the  mineral  in  question  was  not  gold, 
but  pyrites;  but  we  have  the  assertion  of  Adrian  Van  der  Donck,  an 
eye-witness,  and  the  experiment  of  Johannes  de  la  Montagne,  a 
learned  doctor  of  medicine,  on  the  golden  side  of  the  question.  Cor- 
nelieus  Van  Tienhooven,  also,  at  that  time  secretary  of  the  New  Neth- 
erlands, declared  in  Holland  that  he  had  tested  several  specimens  of 
the  mineral,  which  proved  satisfactory.* 

It  would  appear,  however,  that  these  golden  treasures  of  the 
Kaatskill  always  brought  ill  luck,  as  is  evidenced  in  the  fate  of 
Arent  Corsen  and  Wilhelmus  Kieft,  and  the  wreck  of  the  ships  in 
which  they  attempted  to  convey  the  treasure  across  the  ocean.  The 
golden  mines  have  never  since  been  explored,  but  remain  among 
the  mysteries  of  the  Kaatskill  Mountains,  and  under  the  protection 
of  the  goblins  which  haunt  them. 

* See  Van  der  Donck’s  Description  of  the  New  Netherlands.  Collect.  New 
York  His.  Society,  vol.  i.  p.  161. 


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HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


BOOK  V. 


CONTAINING  THE  FIRST  PART  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  PETER 
STUYVESANT,  AND  HIS  TROUBLES  WITH  THE  AMPHIC- 
TYONIC  COUNCIL. 


CHAPTER  I. 

IN  WHICH  THE  DEATH  OF  A GREAT  MAN  IS  SHOWN  TO 
BE  NO  VERY  INCONSOLABLE  MATTER  OF  SORROW — 
AND  HOW  PETER  STUYYESANT  ACQUIRED  A GREAT 
NAME  FROM  THE  UNCOMMON  STRENGTH  OF  HIS  HEAD. 

To  A profound  philosopher  like  myself,  who  am  apt  to 
see  clear  through  a subject  where  the  penetration  of  ordin- 
ary people  extends  but  halfway,  there  is  no  fact  more  sim- 
ple and  manifest  than  that  the  death  of  a great  man  is  a 
matter  of  very  little  importance.  Much  as  we  may  think 
of  ourselves,  and  much  as  we  may  excite  the  empty  plaudits 
of  the  million,  it  is  certain  that  the  greatest  among  us  do 
actually  fill  but  an  exceeding  small  space  in  the  world,  and 
it  is  equally  certain  that  even  that  small  space  is  quickly 
supplied  when  we  leave  it  vacant.  “Of  what  consequence 
is  it,”  said  Pliny,  “that  individuals  appear  or  make  their 
exit?  The  world  is  a theater  whose  scenes  and  actors  are 
continually  changing.”  Never  did  philosopher  speak  more 
correctly,  and  I only  wonder  that  so  wise  a remark  could 
have  existed  so  many  ages  and  mankind  not  have  laid  it 
more  to  heart.  Sage  follows  on  in  the  footsteps  of  sage; 
one  hero  just  steps  out  of  his  triumphal  car  to  make  way 
for  the  hero  who  comes  after  him;  and  of  the  proudest  mon- 
arch it  is  merely  said  that  “he  slept  with  his  fathers, 
and  his  successor  reigned  in  his  stead.” 

The  world,  to  tell  the  private  truth,  cares  but  little  for 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


m 


their  loss,  and  if  left  to  itself  would  soon  forget  to  grieve; 
and  though  a nation  has  often  been  figuratively  drowned 
in  tears  on  the  death  of  a great  man,  yet  it  is  ten  to  one 
if  an  individual  tear  has  been  shed  on  the  occasion,  except- 
ing from  the  forlorn  pen  of  some  hungry  author.  It  is  the 
historian,  the  biographer,  and  the  poet  who  have  the  whole 
burden  of  grief  to  .sustain — who,  kind  souls!  like  under- 
takers in  England,  act  the  part  of  chief  mourners — who 
inflate  a nation  with  sighs  it  never  heaved  and  deluge  it 
with  tears  it  never  dreamt  of  shedding.  Thus,  while  the 
patriotic  author  is  weeping  and  howling,  in  prose,  in  blank 
verse,  and  in  rhyme,  and  collecting  the  drops  of  public  sor- 
row into  his  volume  as  into  a lachrymal  vase,  it  is  more 
than  probable  his  fellow  citizens  are  eating  and  drinking, 
fiddling  and  dancing,  as  utterly  ignorant  of  the  bitter 
lamentations  made  in  their  name  as  are  those  men  of  straw 
John  Doe  and  Richard  Roe,  of  the  plaintiffs  for  whom  they 
are  generously  pleased  to  become  sureties. 

The  most  glorious  hero  that  ever  desolated  nations  might 
have  moldered  into  oblivion  among  the  rubbish  of  his  own 
monument  did  not  some  historian  take  him  into  favor  and 
benevolently  transmit  his  name  to  posterity;  and  much  as 
the  valiant  William  Kieft  worried  and  bustled  and  tur- 
moiled  while  he  had  the  destinies  of  a whole  colony  in  his 
hand,  I question  seriously  whether  he  will  not  be  obliged 
to  this  authentic  history  for  all  his  future  celebrity. 

His  exit  occasioned  no  convulsion  in  the  city  of  New 
Amsterdam  nor  its  vicinity:  the  earth  trembled  not,  neither 
did  any  stars  shoot  from  their  spheres;  the  heavens  were 
not  shrouded  in  black,  as  poets  would  fain  persuade  us  they 
have  been  on  the  death  of  a hero;  the  rocks  (hard-hearted 
varlets!)  melted  not  into  tears,  nor  did  the  trees  hang  their 
heads  in  silent  sorrow;  and  as  to  the  sun,  he  lay  abed  the 
next  night  just  as  long,  and  showed  as  jolly  a face  when 
he  rose,  as  he  ever  did  on  the  same  day  of  the  month  in 
any  year  either  before  or  since.  The  good  people  of  New 
Amsterdam,  one  and  all,  declared  that  he  had  been  a very 
busy,  active,  bustling  little  governor;  that  he  was  “ the 
father  of  his  country;”  that  he  was  “the  noblest  work  of 
God  ;”  that  “ he  was  a man,  take  him  for  all  in  all,  they 
ne'er  should  look  upon  his  like  again;”  together  with  sun- 
dry other  civil  and  affectionate  speeches  regularly  said  on 
the  death  of  all  great  men;  after  which  they  smoked  their 


178 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


pipes,  thought  no  more  about  him,  and  Peter  Stuyvesant 
succeeded  to  his  station. 

Peter  Stuyvesant  was  the  last,  and,  like  the  renowned 
Wouter  Van  Twiller,  the  best,  of  our  ancient  Dutch  gov- 
ernors, Wouter  having  surpassed  all  who  preceded  him, 
and  Pieter  or  Piet,  as  he  was  sociably  called  by  the  old 
Dutch  burghers,  who  were  ever  prone  to  familiarize  names, 
having  never  been  equalled  by  any  successor.  He  was,  in 
fact,  the  very  man  fitted  by  Nature  to  retrieve  the  desperate 
fortunes  of  her  beloved  province,  had  not  the  fates,  those 
most  potent  and  unrelenting  of  all  ancient  spinsters,  des- 
tined them  to  inextricable  confusion. 

To  say  merely  that  he  was  a hero  would  be  doing  him 
great  injustice:  he  was  in  truth  a combination  of  heroes; 
for  he  was  of  a sturdy,  rawboned  make  like  Ajax  Telamon, 
with  a pair  of  round  shoulders  that  Hercules  would  have 
given  his  hide  for(meaning  his  lion’s  hide)  when  he  under- 
took to  ease  old  Atlas  of  his  load.  He  was,  moreover 
as  Plutarch  describes  Coriolanus,  not  only  terrible  for  the 
force  of  his  arm,  but  likewise  of  his  voice,  which  sounded 
as  though  it  came  out  of  a barrel;  and,  like  the  self-same 
warrior,  he  possessed  a sovereign  contempt  for  the  sover- 
eign people,  and  an  iron  aspect  which  was  enough  of  itself 
to  make  the  very  bowels  of  his  adversaries  quake  with 
terror  and  dismay.  All  this  martial  excellency  of  ap- 
pearance was  inexpressibly  heightened  by  an  accidental 
advantage  with  which  I am  surprised  that  neither  Homer 
nor  Virgil  have  graced  any  of  their  heroes.  This  was  noth- 
ing less  than  a wooden  leg,  which  was  the  only  prize  he 
had  gained  in  bravely  fighting  the  battles  of  his  country, 
but  of  which  he  was  so  proud  that  he  was  often  heard  to 
declare  he  valued  it  more  than  all  his  other  limbs  put  to- 
gether; indeed,  so  highly  did  he  esteem  it  that  he  had  it 
gallantly  enchased  and  relieved  with  silver  devices,  which 
caused  it  to  be  related  in  divers  histories  and  legends  that 
he  wore  a silver  leg.* 

Like  that  choleric  warrior  Achilles,  he  was  somewhat 
subject  to  extempore  bursts  of  passion,  which  were  rather 
unpleasant  to  his  favorites  and  attendants,  whose  percep- 
tions he  was  apt  to  quicken,  after  the  manner  of  his  illus- 
trious imitator,  Peter  the  great,  by  anointing  their  shoul- 
ders with  his  walking-staff. 


See  the  histories  of  Masters  Josselyn  and  Blorne, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


179 


Though  I cannot  find  that  he  had  read  Plato,  or  Aris- 
totle, or  Hobbes,  or  Bacon,  or  Algernon  Sydney,  or  Tom 
Paine,  yet  did  he  sometimes  manifest  a shrewdness  and  sa- 
gacity in  his  measures  that  one  would  hardly  expect  from 
a man  who  did  not  know  Greek  and  had  never  studied  the 
ancients.  True  it  is,  and  I confess  it  with  sorrow,  that  he 
had  an  unreasonable  aversion  to  experiments,  and  was 
fond  of  governing  his  province  after  the  simplest  manner; 
but  then  he  contrived  to  keep  it  in  better  order  than  did 
the  erudite  Kieft,  though  he  had  all  the  philosophers, 
ancient  and  modern,  to  assist  and  perplex  him.  I must 
likewise  own  that  he  made  but  very  few  laws,  but  then 
again  he  took  care  that  those  few  were  rigidly  and  impar- 
tially enforced;  and  I do  not  know  but  justice  on  the 
whole  was  as  well  administered  as  if  there  had  been 
volumes  of  sage  acts  and  statutes  yearly  made  and  daily 
neglected  and  forgotten. 

He  was,  in  fact,  the  very  reverse  of  his  predecessors,  be- 
ing neither  tranquil  and  inert  like  Walter  the  Doubter,  nor 
restless  and  fidgeting  like  William  the  Testy,  but  a man,  or 
rather  a governor,  of  such  uncommon  activity  and  decision 
of  mind  that  he  never  sought  nor  accepted  the  advice  of 
others,  depending  bravely  upon  his  single  head,  as  would 
a hero  of  yore  upon  his  single  arm,  to  carry  him  through 
all  difficulties  and  dangers.  To  tell  the  simple  truth,  lie 
wanted  nothing  more  to  complete  him  as  a statesman  than 
to  think  always  right,  for  no  one  can  say  but  that  he  always 
acted  as  he  thought.  He  was  never  a man  to  flinch  when 
he  found  himself  in  a scrape,  but  to  dash  forward  through 
thick  and  thin,  trusting  by  hook  or  by  crook  to  make  all 
things  straight  in  the  end.  In  a word,  he  possessed  in  an 
eminent  degree  that  great  quality  in  a stateman  called 
perseverance  by  the  polite,  but  nicknamed  obstinacy  by 
the  vulgar.  A wonderful  salve  for  official  blunders,  since 
he  who  perseveres  in  error  without  flinching  gets  the  credit 
of  boldness  and  consistency,  while  he  who  wavers  in  seek- 
ing to  do  what  is  right  gets  stigmatized  as  a trimmer.  This 
much  is  certain — and  it  is  amaxim  well  worthy  the  atten- 
tion of  all  legislators  great  and  small  who  stand  shaking 
in  the  wind,  irresolute  which  way  to  steer — that  a ruler 
who  follows  his  own  will  pleases  himself,  while  he  who  seeks 
to  satisfy  the  wishes  and  whims  of  others  runs  great  risk  of 
pleasing  nobody.  There  is  nothing,  too,  like  putting  dowii 


180 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


one’s  foot  resolutely  wlien  in  doubt,  and  letting  things  take 
their  course.  The  clock  that  stands  still  points  right 
twice  in  the  four  and  twenty  hours,  while  others  may  keep 
going  continually  and  be  continually  going  wrong. 

Nor  did  this  magnanimous  quality  escape  the  discern- 
ment of  the  good  people  of  Nieuw  Nederlandts;  on  the 
contrary,  so  much  were  they  struck  with  the  independent 
will  and  vigorous  resolution  displayed  on  all  occasions  by 
their  new  governor  that  they  universally  called  him  Hard- 
Koppig  Piet,  or  Peter  the  Headstrong — a great  compli- 
ment to  the  strength  of  his  understanding. 

If,  from  all  that  I have  said,  thou  dost  not  gather,  wor- 
thy reader,  that  Peter  Stuyvesant  was  a tough,  sturdy,  val- 
iant, weatherbeaten,  mettlesome,  obstinate,  leathern-sided, 
lion-hearted,  generous-spirited  old  governor,  either  I have 
written  to  but  little  purpose  or  thou  art  very  dull  at  draw- 
ing conclusions. 

This  most  excellent  governor  commenced  his  adminis- 
tration on  the  29th  of  May,  1647,  a remarkably  stormy 
day,  distinguished  in  all  the  almanacs  of  the  time  which  have 
come  down  to  us  by  the  name  of  Windy  Friday . As  he 
was  very  jealous  of  his  personal  and  official  dignity,  he 
was  inaugurated  into  office  with  great  ceremony,  the 
goodly  oaken  chair  of  the  renowned  Wouter  Van  Twiller 
being  carefully  preserved  for  such  occasions,  in  like  man- 
ner as  the  chair  and  stone  were  reverentially  preserved  at 
Scone  in  Scotland  for  the  coronation  of  the  Caledonian 
monarchs. 

I must  not  omit  to  mention  that  the  tempestuous  state 
of  the  elements,  together  with  its  being  that  unlucky  day 
of  the  week  termed  “hanging  day,”  did  not  fail  to  excite 
much  grave  speculation  and  divers  very  reasonable  appre- 
hensions among  the  more  ancient  and  enlightened  inhabi- 
tants; and  several  of  the  sager  sex,  who  were  reputed  to  be 
not  a little  skilled  in  the  mysteries  of  astrology  and  fortune- 
telling,  did  declare  outright  that  they  were  omens  of  a dis- 
astrous administration — an  event  that  came  to  be  lamenta- 
bly verified,  and  which  proves,  beyond  dispute,  the  wis- 
dom of  attending  to  those  preternatural  intimations  fur- 
nished by  dreams  and  visions,  the  flying  of  birds,  falling 
of  stones,  and  cackling  of  geese,  on  which  the  sages  and 
rulers  of  ancient  times  placed  such  reliance,  or  to  those 
shootings  of  stars,  eclipses  of  the  moon,  howlings  of  dogs. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


181 


and  flarings  of  candles  carefully  noted  and  interpreted  by 
the  oracular  sybils  of  our  day,  who,  in  my  humble 
opinion,  are  the  legitimate  inheritors  and  preservers  of  the 
ancient  science  of  divination.  This  much  is  certain,  that 
Governor  Stuyvesant  succeeded  to  the  chair  of  state  at  a 
turbulent  period,  when  foes  thronged  and  threatened  from 
without,  when  anarchy  and  stiff-necked  opposition  reigned 
rampant  within,  when  the  authority  of  their  High  Might- 
inesses the  Lords  States  General,  though  supported  by 
economy  and  defended  by  speeches,  protests,  and  procla- 
mations, yet  tottered  to  its  very  center ; and  when  the 
great  city  of  New  Amsterdam,  though  fortified  by  flag- 
staffs,  trumpeters,  and  windmills,  seemed,  like  some  fair 
lady  of  easy  virtue,  to  lie  open  to  attack  and  ready  to  yield 
to  the  first  invader. 


182 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORE 


CHAPTER  II. 

SHOWING  HOW  PETER  THE  HEADSTRONG  BESTIRRED  HIM- 
SELF AMONG  THE  RATS  AND  COBWEBS  ON  ENTERING 
INTO  OFFICE,  HIS  INTERVIEW  WITH  ANTONY  THE 
TRUMPETER,  AND  HIS  PERILOUS  MEDDLING  WITH  THE 
CURRENCY. 

The  very  first  movements  of  the  great  Peter  on  taking 
the  reigns  of  government  displayed  his  magnanimity, 
though  they  occasioned  not  a little  marvel  and  uneasiness 
among  the  people  of  the  Manhattoes.  Finding  himself 
constantly  interrupted  by  the  opposition  and  annoyed  by 
the  advice  of  his  privy  council,  the  members  of  which  had 
acquired  the  unreasonable  habit  of  thinking  and  speaking 
for  themselves  during  the  preceding  reign,  he  determined 
at  once  to  put  a stop  to  such  grievous  abominations. 
Scarcely,  therefore,  had  he  entered  upon  his  authority 
than  he  turned  out  of  office  all  the  meddlesome  spirits  of 
the  factious  cabinet  of  William  the  Testy,  in  place  of  whom 
he  chose  unto  himself  counselors  from  those  fat,  somnifer- 
ous, respectable  burghers  who  had  flourished  and  slum- 
bered under  the  easy  reign  of  Walter  the  Doubter.  All 
these  he  caused  to  be  furnished  with  abundance  of  fair 
long  pipes  and  to  be  regaled  with  frequent  corporation  din- 
ners, admonishing  them  to  smoke  and  eat  and  sleep  for  the 
good  of  the  nation,  while  he  took  the  burden  of  govern- 
ment upon  his  own  shoulders — an  arrangement  to  which 
they  all  gave  hearty  acquiescence. 

Nor  did  he  stop  here,  but  made  a hideous  route  among 
the  inventions  and  expedients  of  his  learned  predecessor — 
rooting  up  his  patent  gallows,  where  caitiff  vagabonds  were 
suspended  by  the  waistband;  demolishing  his  flagstaff's  and 
windmills,  which,  like  mighty  giants,  guarded  the  ramparts 
of  New  Amsterdam;  pitching  to  the  duyvel  whole  batteries 
of  quaker  guns;  and,  in  a word,  turning  topsy-turvy  the 
whole  philosophic,  economic,  and  windmill  system  of  the 
immortal  sage  of  Saardain, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


183 


The  honest  folk  of  New  Amsterdam  began  to  quake 
now  for  the  fate  of  their  matchless  champion,  Antony  the 
Trumpeter,  who  had  acquired  prodigious  favor  in  the  eyes 
of  the  women  by  means  of  his  whiskers  and  his  trumpet. 
Him  did  Peter  the  Headstrong  cause  to  be  brought  into  his 
presence,  and,  eyeing  him  for  a moment  from  head  to  foot 
with  a countenance  that  would  have  appalled  anything  else 
than  a sounder  of  brass,  “ Pry’thee,  who  and  what  art  thou  ?” 
said  he.  “'Sire,”  replied  the  other,  in  no  wise  dismayed, 
“for  my  name,  it  is  Anthony  Van  Corlear;  for  my  parent- 
age, I am  the  son  of  my  mother;  for  my  profession,  I am 
champion  and  garrison  of  this  great  city  of  New  Amster- 
dam.” “I  doubt  me  much,”  said  Peter  Stuyvesant,  “ that 
thou  art  some  scurvy  costard-monger  knave;  how  didst  thou 
acquire  this  paramount  honor  and  dignity  ? ” “ Marry  sir,” 

replied  the  other,  “ like  many  a great  man  before  me — sim- 
ply by  sounding  my  own  trumpet.”  “Ay  is  it  so?”  quoth 
the  governor;  “ why  then  let  us  have  a relish  of  thy  art.” 
Whereupon  the  good  Antony  put  his  instrument  to  his  lips 
and  sounded  a charge  with  such  a tremendous  outset,  such 
a delectable  quaver,  and  such  a triumphant  cadence  that 
it  was  enough  to  make  one’s  heart  leap  out  of  one’s  mouth 
only  to  be  within  a mile  of  it.  Like  as  a warworn  charger, 
grazing  in  peaceful  plains,  starts  at  a strain  of  martial 
music,  pricks  up  his  ears,  and  snorts  and  paws  and  kin- 
dles at  the  noise,  so  did  the  heroic  Peter  joy  to  hear  the 
clangor  of  the  trumpet;  for  of  him  might  truly  be  said 
what  was  recorded  of  the  renowned  St. George  of  England 
“ there  was  nothing  in  all  the  world  that  more  rejoiced  his 
heart  than  to  hear  the  pleasant  sound  of  war  and  see  the 
soldiers  brandish  forth  their  steeled  weapons.”  Casting  his 
eye  more  kindly,  therefore,  upon  the  sturdy  Van  Corlear, 
and  finding  him  to  be  a jovial  varlet,  shrewd  in  his  dis- 
course, yet  of  great  discretion  and  immeasurable  wind,  he 
straightway  conceived  a vast  kindness  for  him,  and,  dis- 
charging him  from  the  troublesome  duty  of  garrisoning, 
defending,  and  alarming  the  city,  ever  after  retained  him 
about  his  person  as  his  chief  favorite,  confidential  envoy, 
and  trusty  squire*  Instead  of  disturbing  the  city  with 
disastrous  notes,  he  was  instructed  to  play  so  as  to  de- 
light the  governor  while  at  his  repasts,  as  did  the  min- 
strels of  yore  in  the  days  of  glorious  chivalry,  and  on 
all  public  occasions  to  rejoice  the  ears  of  the  people  with 


184 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


warlike  melody,  thereby  keeping  alive  a noble  and  martial 
spirit. 

But  the  measure  of  the  valiant  Peter  which  produced  the 
greatest  agitation  in  the  community  was  his  laying  his  hand 
upon  the  currency.  He  had  old-fashioned  notions  in  favor 
of  gold  and  silver,  which  he  considered  the  true  standards 
of  wealth  and  mediums  of  commerce,  and  one  of  his  first 
edicts  was  that  all  duties  to  government  should  be  paid  in 
those  precious  metals,  and  that  seawant,  or  wampum,  should 
no  longer  be  a legal  tender. 

Here  was  a blow  at  public  prosperity!  All  those  who 
speculated  on  the  rise  and  fall  of  this  fluctuating  currency 
found  their  calling  at  an  end;  those,  too,  who  had  hoarded 
Indian  money  by  barrels  full  found  their  capital  shrunk  in 
amount;  but,  above  all,  the  Yankee  traders,  who  were  accus- 
tomed to  flood  the  market  with  newly-coined  oyster-shells 
and  to  abstract  Dutch  merchandise  in  exchange,  were  loud- 
mouthed in  decrying  this  “tampering  with  the  currency.” 
It  was  clipping  the  wings  of  commerce;  it  was  checking 
the  development  of  public  prosperity;  trade  would  be  at 
an  end;  goods  would  molder  on  the  shelves;  grain  would 
rot  in  the  granaries;  grass  would  grow  in  the  market-place. 
In  a word,  no  one  who  has  not  heard  the  outcries  and  howl- 
ings  of  a modern  Tarshish  at  any  check  upon  “ paper 
money  ” can  have  any  idea  of  the  clamor  against  Peter 
the  Headstrong  for  checking  the  circulation  of  oyster- 
shells. 

In  fact,  trade  did  shrink  into  narrower  channels, 
but  then  the  stream  was  deep  as  it  was  broad;  the  honest 
Dutchmen  sold  less  goods,  but  then  they  got  the  worth  of 
them,  either  in  silver  and  gold,  or  in  codfish,  tin-ware, 
apple-brandy,  Weathersfield  onions,  wooden  bowls,  and 
other  articles  of  Yankee  barter.  The  ingenious  people  of 
the  east,  however,  indemnified  themselves  in  another  way 
for  having  to  abandon  the  coinage  of  oyster-shells,  for  about 
this  time  we  are  told  that  wooden  nutmegs  made  their 
first  appearance  in  New  Amsterdam,  to  the  great  annoy- 
ance of  the  Dutch  housewives. 

NOTE. 

From  a manuscript  record  of  the  province,  Lib.  N.  Y.  Hist.  So- 
ciety.— We  have  been  unable  to  render  your  inhabitants  wiser  and  pre- 
vent their  being  further  imposed  upon  than  to  declare  absolutely 
and  peremptorily  that  henceforward  seawant  shall  be  bullion — not 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


185 


longer  admissible  in  trade,  without  any  value,  as  it  is  indeed.  So 
that  every  one  may  be  upon  his  guard  to  barter  no  longer  away  his 
wares  and  merchandises  for  these  bubbles — at  least  not  to  accept 
them  at  a higher  rate  or  in  a larger  quantity  than  as  they  may  want 
them  in  their  trade  with  the  savages. 

In  this  way  your  English  [Yankee]  neighbors  shall  no  longer  be 
enabled  to  draw  the  best  wares  and  merchandises  from  our  country 
for  nothing — the  beavers  and  furs  not  accepted.  This  has  indeed 
long  since  been  insufferable,  although  it  ought  chiefly  to  be  imputed 
to  the  imprudent  penuriousness  of  our  own  merchants  and  inhabitants 
who,  it  is  to  be  hoped,  shall  through  the  abolition  of  this  seawant 
become  wiser  and  more  prudent. 

27 th  January , 1662. 

Seawant  falls  into  disrepute — duties  to  be  paid  in  silver  coin. 


186 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


CHAPTER  III. 

HOW  THE  YANKEE  LEAGUE  WAXED  MORE  AND  MORE 

POTENT;  AND  HOW  IT  OUTWITTED  THE  GOOD  PETER 

IN  TREATY-MAKING. 

Now,  it  came  to  pass  that  while  Peter  Stuyvesant  was 
busy  regulating  the  internal  affairs  of  his  domain  the  great 
Yankee  league,  which  had  caused  such  tribulation  to 
William  and  Testy,  continued  to  increase  in  extent  and 
power.  The  grand  Amphictyonic  council  of  the  league 
was  held  at  Boston,  where  it  spun  a web  which  threatened 
to  link  within  it  all  the  mighty  principalities  and  powers 
of  the  east.  The  object  proposed  by  this  formidable  com- 
bination was  mutual  protection  and  defense  against 
their  savage  neighbors;  but  all  the  world  knows  the  real 
aim  was  to  form  a grand  crusade  against  the  Nieuw 
Nederland ts  and  to  get  possession  of  the  city  of  the  Man- 
hattoes — as  devout  an  object  of  enterprise  and  ambition  to 
the  Yankees  as  was  ever  the  capture  of  Jerusalem  to  ancient 
crusaders. 

In  the  very  year  following  the  inauguration  of  Governor 
Stuyvesant  a grand  deputation  departed  from  the  city  of 
Providence  (famous  for  its  dusty  streets  and  beauteous 
women),  in  behalf  of  the  plantation  of  Rhode  Island,  pray- 
ing to  be  admitted  into  the  league. 

The  following  minute  of  this  deputation  appears  in  the 
ancient  records  of  the  council:* 

“Mr.  Will.  Cottington  and  Captain  Partridg  of  Rhoode 
Island  presented  this  insewing  request  to  the  commission- 
ers in  wrighting — 

“Our  request  and  motion  is  in  behalfe  of  Rhoode  Hand, 
that  wee  the  Ilanders  of  Rhoode-Iland  may  be  rescauied 


* Haz.  Col.  Stat.  Pap, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


187 


into  combination  with  all  the  united  colonyes  of  New  Eng- 
land in  a firme  and  perpetual  league  of  friendship  and 
amity  of  ofence  and  defence,  mutuall  advice  and  succor 
upon  all  just  occasions  for  our  mutuall  safety  and  well- 
faire,  etc. 

“Will.  Cottington, 

“Alicxsander  Partridg.” 

There  was  certainly  something  in  the  very  physiognomy 
of  this  document  that  might  well  inspire  apprehension. 
The  name  of  Alexander,  however  misspelt,  has  been  war- 
like in  every  age,  and  though  its  fierceness  is  in  some  meas- 
ure softened  by  being  coupled  with  the  gentle  cognomen 
of  Partridge,  still,  like  the  color  of  scarlet,  it  bears  an  ex- 
ceeding great  resemblance  to  the  sound  of  a trumpet.  From 
the  style  of  the  letter,  moreover,  and  the  soldier-like  igno- 
rance of  orthography  displayed  by  the  noble  Captain  Alicx- 
sander  Partridg  in  spelling  his  own  name,  we  may  picture 
to  ourselves  this  mighty  man  of  Rhodes,  strong  in  arms, 
potent  in  the  field,  and  as  great  a scholar  as  though  he  had 
been  educated  among  that  learned  people  of  Thrace  who, 
Aristotle  assures  us,  could  not  count  beyond  the  number 
four. 

The  result  of  this  great  Yankee  league  was  augmented 
audacity  on  the  part  of  the  moss-troopers  of  Connecticut, 
pushing  their  encroachments  farther  and  farther  into  the 
territories  of  their  High  Mightinesses,  so  that  even  the  in- 
habitants of  New  Amsterdam  began  to  draw  short  breath 
and  to  find  themselves  exceedingly  cramped  for  elbow- 
room. 

Peter  Stuyvesant  was  not  a man  to  submit  quietly  to 
such  intrusions;  his  first  impulse  was  to  march  at  once  to 
the  frontier  and  kick  these  squatting  Yankees  out  of  the 
country;  but  bethinking  himself  in  time  that  he  was  now 
a governor  and  legislator,  the  policy  of  the  statesman  for 
once  cooled  the  fire  of  the  old  soldier  and  he  determined  to 
try  his  hand  at  negotiation.  A correspondence  accordingly 
ensued  between  him  and  the  grand  council  of  the  league, 
and  it  was  agreed  that  commissioners  from  either  side 
should  meet  at  Hartford  to  settle  boundaries,  adjust 
grievances,  and  establish  a “perpetual  and  happy  peace.” 

The  commissioners  on  the  part  of  the  Manhattoes  were 
chosen,  according  to  immemorial  usage  of  that  venerable 


188 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


metropolis,  from  among  the  “wisest  and  weightiest,  men 
of  the  community;  that  is  to  say  men  with  the  oldest 
heads  and  heaviest  pockets.  Among  these  sages  the  vet- 
eran navigator,  Hans  Reinier  Oothout,  who  had  made  such 
extensive  discoveries  during  the  time  of  Oloffe  the  Dreamer, 
was  looked  up  to  as  an  oracle  in  all  matters  of  the  kind, 
and  he  was  ready  to  produce  the  very  spy-glass  with  which 
he  first  spied  the  mouth  of  the  Connecticut  River  from  his 
masthead;  and  all  the  world  knows  that  the  discovery  of 
the  mouth  of  a river  gives  prior  right  to  all  the  lands 
drained  by  its  waters. 

It  was  with  feelings  of  pride  and  exultation  that  the 
good  people  of  the  Manhattoes  saw  two  of  the  richest  and 
most  ponderous  burghers  departing  on  this  embassy — men 
whose  word  on  'Change  was  oracular,  and  in  whose  pres- 
ence no  poor  man  ventured  to  appear  without  taking  off 
his  hat:  when  it  was  seen,  too,  that  the  veteran  Reinier 
Oothout  accompanied  them  with  his  spy-glass  under  his 
arm,  all  the  old  men  and  old  women  predicted  that  men  of 
such  weight,  with  such  evidence,  would  leave  the  Yankees 
no  alternative  but  to  pack  up  their  tin  kettles  and  wooden 
wares,  put  wife  and  children  in  a cart,  and  abandon  all 
the  lands  of  their  High  Mightinesses  on  which  they  had 
squatted. 

In  truth,  the  commissioners  sent  to  Hartford  by  the 
league  seemed  in  nowise  calculated  to  compete  with  men 
of  such  capacity.  They  were  two  lean  Yankee  lawyers, 
litigious-looking  varlets,  and  evidently  men  of  no  sub- 
stance, since  they  had  no  rotundity  in  the  belt  and  there 
was  no  jingling  of  money  in  their  pockets;  it  is  true,  they 
had  longer  heads  than  the  Dutchmen,  but  if  the  heads  of 
the  latter  were  flat  on  top,  they  were  broad  at  bottom,  and 
what  was  wanting  in  height  of  forehead  was  made  up  by  a 
double  chin. 

The  negotiation  turned  as  usual  upon  the  good  old  cor- 
nerstone of  original  discovery,  according  to  the  principle  that 
he  who  first  sees  a new  country  has  an  unquestionable 
right  to  it.  This  being  admitted,  the  veteran  Oothout  at 
a concerted  signal  stepped  forth  in  the  assembly  with  the 
identical  tarpaulin  spy-glass  in  his  hand  with  which  he 
had  discovered  the  mouth  of  the  Connecticut,  while  the 
worthy  Dutch  commissioners  lolled  back  in  their  chairs, 
secretly  chuckling  at  the  idea  of  having  for  once  got  the 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


189 


weather-gage  of  the  Yankees;  but  what  was  their  dismay 
when  the  latter  produced  a Nantucket  whaler  with  a spy- 
glass twice  as  long  with  which  he  discovered  the  whole 
coast  quite  down  to  the  Manhattoes,  and  so  crooked  that 
he  had  spied  with  it  up  the  whole  course  of  the  Connecti- 
cut River.  This  principal  pushed  home,  therefore,  the 
Yankees  had  a right  to  the  whole  country  bordering  on 
the  sound;  nay,  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam  was  a mere 
Dutch  squatting-place  on  their  territories. 

I forbear  to  dwell  upon  the  confusion  of  the  worthy 
Dutch  commissioners  at  finding  their  main  pillar  of  proof 
thus  knocked  from  under  them;  neither  will  I pretend  to 
describe  the  consternation  of  the  wise  men  at  the  Manhat- 
toes when  they  learnt  how  their  commissioners  had  been 
out-trumped  by  the  Yankees,  and  how  the  latter  pretended 
to  claim  to  the  very  gates  of  New  Amsterdam. 

Long  was  the  negotiation  protracted  and  long  was  the 
public  mind  kept  in  a state  of  anxiety.  There  are  two 
modes  of  settling  boundary  questions  when  the  claims  of 
the  opposite  parties  are  irreconcilable.  One  is  by  an  appeal 
to  arms,  in  which  case  the  weakest  party  is  apt  to  lose  its 
right  and  get  a broken  head  into  the  bargain;  the  other 
mode  is  by  compromise  or  mutual  concession;  that  is  to 
say,  one  party  cedes  half  of  its  claims,  and  the  other  party 
half  of  its  rights;  he  who  grasps  most  gets  most,  and  the 
whole  is  pronounced  an  equitable  division,  “perfectly  hon- 
orable to  both  parties." 

The  latter  mode  was  adopted  in  the  present  instance. 
The  Yankees  gave  up  claims  to  vast  tracts  of  the  Nieuw 
Nederlandts  which  they  had  neverseen,  and  all  right  to  the 
island  of  Manna-hatta  and  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam,  to 
which  they  had  no  right  at  all;  while  the  Dutch,  in  return, 
agreed  that  the  Yankees  should  retain  possession  of  the 
frontier  places  where  they  had  squatted  and  of  both  sides 
of  the  Connecticut  River. 

When  the  news  of  this  treaty  arrived  at  New  Amsterdam 
the  whole  city  was  in  an  uproar  of  exultation.  The  old 
women  rejoiced  that  there  was  to  be  no  war,  the  old  men 
that  their  cabbage-gardens  were  safe  from  invasion,  while 
the  political  sages  pronounced  the  treaty  a great  triumph 
over  the  Yankees,  considering  how  much  they  had  claimed 
and  how  little  they  had  been  “fobbed  off  with." 

And  now  my  worthy  reader  is  doubtless,  like  the  great 


190 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


and  good  Peter,  congratulating  himself  with  the  idea  that 
his  feelings  will  no  longer  be  harassed  by  afflicting  details 
of  stolen  horses,  broken  heads,  impounded  hogs,  and  all 
the  other  catalogue  of  heartrending  cruelties  that  dis- 
graced these  border  wars.  But  if  he  should  indulge  in 
such  expectations,  it  is  a proof  that  he  is  but  little 
versed  in  the  paradoxical  ways  of  cabinets;  to  convince 
him  of  which  I solicit  his  serious  attention  to  my  next 
chapter,  wherein  I will  show  that  Peter  Stuyvesant  has 
already  committed  a great  error  in  politics,  and  by  effect- 
ing a peace  has  materially  hazarded  the  tranquility  of  the 
province. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


191 


CHAPTER  IV. 

CONTAINING  DIVERS  SPECULATIONS  ON  WAR  AND  NEGO- 
TIATIONS— SHOWING  THAT  A TREATY  OF  PEACE  IS  A 

GREAT  NATIONAL  EVIL. 

It  was  the  opinion  of  that  poetical  philosopher,  Lucre- 
tius, that  war  was  the  original  state  of  man,  whom  he  de- 
scribed as  being  primitively  a savage  beast  of  prey  engaged 
in  a constant  state  of  hostility  with  his  own  species,  and 
that  this  ferocious  spirit  was  tamed  and  ameliorated  by  so- 
ciety. The  same  opinion  has  been  advocated  by  Hobbes,* 
nor  have  there  been  wanting  many  other  philosophers  to 
admit  and  defend  it. 

For  my  part,  though  prodigiously  fond  of  these  valuable 
speculations,  so  complimentary  to  human  nature,  yet  in 
this  instance  I am  inclined  to  take  the  proposition  by 
halves,  believing  that  Horacef  that  though  war  may  have 
been  originally  the  favorite  amusement  and  industrious 
employment  of  our  progenitors,  yet,  like  many  other  excel- 
lent habits,  so  far  from  being  ameliorated,  it  has  been  cul- 
tivated and  confirmed  by  refinement  and  civilization,  and 
increases  in  exact  proportion  as  we  approach  toward  that 
state  of  perfection  which  is  the  ne  plus  ultra  of  modern 
philosophy. 

The  first  conflict  between  man  and  man  was  the  mere 
exertion  of  physical  force,  unaided  by  auxiliary  weapons 
— his  arm  was  his  buckler,  his  fist  was  his  mace,  and  a 
broken  head  the  catastrophe  of  his  encounters.  The  bat- 
tle of  unassisted  strength  was  succeeded  by  the  more  rugged 

* Hobbes’  Leviathan,  Part  i.  cli.  13. 

f Quum  prorepserunt  primis  animalia  terris, 

Mutuum  ac  turpe  pecus,  glandem  atque  cubilia  propter, 
Unguibus  et  pugnis,  dein  fustibus,  atque  ita  porro 
Pugnabant  armis,  quae  post  fabricaverat  usus. 

Hor.  Sat.  L.  i.  S.  3. 


192 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


one  of  stones  and  clubs,  and  war  assumed  a sanguinary 
aspect.  As  man  advanced  in  refinement,  as  his  faculties 
expanded,  and  as  his  sensibilities  became  more  exquisite, 
he  grew  rapidly  more  ingenious  and  experienced  in  the  art 
of  murdering  his  fellow-beings.  He  invented  a thousand 
devices  to  defend  and  to  assault;  the  helmet,  the  cuirass, 
and  the  buckler,  the  sword,  the  dart,  and  the  javelin,  pre- 
pared him  to  elude  the  wound  as  well  as  to  lanch  the 
blow.  Still  urging  on,  in  the  career  of  philanthropic  in- 
vention, he  enlarges  and  heightens  his  powers  of  defense 
and  injury:  the  Aries,  the  Scorpio,  the  Balista,  and  the 
Catapulta  give  a horror  and  sublimity  to  war  and  mag- 
nify its  glory  by  increasing  its  desolation.  Still  insatiable, 
though  armed  with  machinery  that  seemed  to  reach  the 
limits  of  destructive  invention,  and  to  yield  a power  of 
injury  commensurate  even  with  the  desires  of  revenge, 
still  deeper  researches  must  be  made  in  the  diabolical 
arcana.  With  furious  zeal  he  dives  into  the  bowels  of 
the  earth;  he  toils  midst  poisonous  minerals  and  deadly 
salts:  the  sublime  discovery  of  gunpowder  blazes  upon  the 
world,  and  finally  the  dreadful  art  of  fighting  by  procla- 
mation seems  to  endow  the  demon  of  war  with  ubiquity 
and  omnipotence! 

This,  indeed,  is  grand!  this,  indeed,  marks  the  powers 
of  mind,  and  bespeaks  that  divine  endowment  of  reason 
which  distinguishes  us  from  the  animals,  our  inferiors.  The 
unenlightened  brutes  content  themselves  with  the  native 
force  which  providence  has  assigned  them.  The  angry 
bull  butts  with  his  horns,  as  did  his  progenitors  before 
him;  the  lion,  the  leopard,  and  the  tiger  seek  only  with 
their  talons  and  their  fangs  to  gratify  their  sanguinary 
fury;  and  even  the  subtle  serpent  darts  the  same  venom 
and  uses  the  same  wiles  as  did  his  sire  before  the  flood. 
Man  alone,  blessed  with  the  inventive  mind,  goes  on  from 
discovery  to  discovery,  enlarges  and  multiplies  his  powers 
of  destruction,  arrogates  the  tremendous  weapons  of  Diety 
itself,  and  tasks  creation  to  assist  him  in  murdering  his 
brother- worm ! 

In  proportion  as  the  art  of  war  has  increased  in  im- 
provement has  the  art  of  preserving  peace  advanced  in 
equal  ratio;  and  as  we  have  discovered  in  this  age  of  won- 
ders and  inventions  that  proclamation  is  the  most  formid- 
able engine  in  war,  so  have  we  discovered  the  no  less 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK.  193 

ingenious  mode  of  maintaining  peace  by  perpetual  nego- 
tiations. 

A treaty — or,  to  speak  more  correctly,  a negotiation — 
therefore,  according  to  the  acceptation  of  experienced  states- 
men learned  in  these  matters,  is  no  longer  an  attempt  to 
accommodate  differences,  to  assertain  rights,  and  to  estab- 
lish an  equitable  exchange  of  kind  offices;  but  a contest  of 
skill  between  two  powers  which  shall  overreach  and  take 
in  the  other.  It  is  a cunning  endeavor  to  obtain  by  peace- 
ful manoeuvre  and  the  chicanery  of  cabinets  those  advan- 
tages which  a nation  would  otherwise  have  wrested  by 
force  of  arms;  in  the  same  manner  as  a conscientious  high- 
wayman reforms  and  becomes  a quiet  and  praiseworthy 
citizen,  contenting  himself  with  cheating  his  neighbor  out 
of  that  property  he  would  formerly  have  seized  with  open 
violence. 

In  fact,  the  only  time  when  two  nations  can  be  said  to 
be  in  a state  of  perfect  amity  is  when  a negotiation  is  open 
and  a treaty  pending.  Then,  when  there  are  no  stipula- 
tions entered  into,  no  bonds  to  restrain  the  will,  no  specific 
limits  to  awaken  the  captious  jealousy  of  right  implanted 
in  our  nature;  when  each  party  has  some  advantage  to 
hope  and  expect  from  the  other — then  it  is  that  the  two 
nations  are  wonderfully  gracious  and  friendly,  their  npnis- 
ters  professing  the  highest  mutual  regard,  exchanging 
billets-doux,  making  fine  speeches,  and  indulging  in  all 
those  little  diplomatic  flirtations,  coquetries,  and  fondlings 
that  do  so  marvelously  tickle  the  good  humor  of  the  re- 
spective nations.  Thus  it  may  paradoxically  be  said  that 
there  is  never  so  good  an  understanding  between  two  na- 
tions as  when  there  is  a little  misunderstanding,  and  that 
so  long  as  they  are  on  no  terms  at  all  they  are  on  the  best 
terms  in  the  world. 

I do  not  by  any  means  pretend  to  claim  the  merit  of 
having  made  the  above  discovery.  It  has,  in  fact,  long 
been  secretly  acted  upon  by  certain  enlightened  cabinets, 
and  is,  together  with  divers  other  notable  theories,  pri- 
vately copied  out  of  the  common-place  book  of  an  illus- 
trious gentleman  who  has  been  member  of  Congress  and 
enjoyed  the  unlimited  confidence  of  heads  of  departments. 
To  this  principle  maybe  ascribed  the  wonderful  ingenuity 
shown  of  late  years  in  protracting  and  interrupting  nego- 
tiations. Hence  the  cunning  measure  of  appointing  as 


194 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


ambassador  some  political  pettifogger  skilled  in  delays,  soph- 
isms, and  misapprehensions  and  dextrous  in  the  art  of 
baffling  argument,  or  some  blundering  statesman  whose  er- 
rors and  misconstructions  may  be  a plea  for  refusing  to 
ratify  his  engagements.  And  hence,  too,  that  most  nota- 
ble expedient,  so  popular  with  our  government,  of  sending 
out  a brace  of  ambassadors,  between  whom,  having  each  an 
individual  will  to  consult,  character  to  establish,  and  inter- 
est to  promote,  you  may  as  well  look  for  unanimity  and 
concord  as  between  two  lovers  with  one  mistress,  two  dogs 
with  one  bone,  or  two  naked  rogues  with  one  pair  of  breeches. 

This  disagreement,  therefore,  is  continually  breeding  de- 
lays and  impediments,  in  consequence  of  which  the  nego- 
tiation goes  on  swimmingly,  inasmuch  as  there  is  no  pros- 
pect of  its  ever  coming  to  a close.  Nothing  is  lost  by 
these  delays  and  obstacles  but  time;  and  in  a nego- 
tiation, according  to  the  theory  I have  exposed,  all 
time  lost  is  in  reality  so  much  time  gained.  With  what 
delightful  paradoxes  does  modern  political  economy  abound ! 

Now,  all  that  I have  here  advanced  is  so  notoriously  true 
that  I almost  blush  to  take  up  the  time  of  my  readers  with 
treating  of  matters  which  must  many  a time  have  stared 
them  in  the  face.  But  the  proposition  to  which  I would 
most  earnestly  call  their  attention  is  this,  that  though  a 
negotiation  be  the  most  harmonizing  of  all  national  trans- 
actions, yet  a treaty  of  peace  is  a great  political  evil  and 
one  of  the  most  fruitful  sources  of  war. 

I have  rarely  seen  an  instance  of  any  special  contract 
between  individuals  that  did  not  produce  jealousies,  bick- 
erings, and  often  downright  ruptures  between  them,  nor 
did  I ever  know  of  a treaty  between  two  nations  that  did 
not  occasion  continual  misunderstandings.  How  many 
worthy  country  neighbors  have  I known  who,  after  living 
in  peace  and  good  fellowship  for  years,  have  been  thrown 
into  a state  of  distrust,  cavilling,  and  animosity  by  some 
ill-stared  agreement  about  fences,  runs  of  water,  and  stray 
cattle!  And  how  many  well  meaning  nations,  who  would 
otherwise  have  remained  in  the  most  amicable  disposition 
toward  each  other,  have  been  brought  to  sword’s  points 
about  the  infringement  or  misconstruction  of  some  treaty 
which  in  an  evil  hour  they  had  concluded  by  way  of  mak- 
ing their  amity  more  sure! 

Treaties  at  best  are  but  complied  with  so  long  as  interest 


BISTORT  OF  NEW  YORK. 


195 


requires  their  fulfillment;  consequently,  they  are  virtually 
binding  on  the  weaker  party  only,  or,  in  plain  truth,  they 
are  not  binding  at  all.  No  nation  will  wantonly  go  to  war 
with  another  if  it  has  nothing  to  gain  thereby,  and  there- 
fore needs  no  treaty  to  restrain  it  from  violence;  and  if  it 
have  anything  to  gain,  I much  question,  from  what  I have 
witnessed  of  the  righteous  conduct  of  nations,  whether  any 
treaty  could  be  made  so  strong  that  it  could  not  thrust  the 
sword  through — nay,  I would  hold,  ten  to  one,  the  treaty 
itself  would  be  the  very  source  to  which  resort  would  be 
had  to  find  a pretext  for  hostilities. 

Thus,  therefore,  I conclude  that  though  it  is  the  best  of 
all  policies  for  a nation  to  keep  up  a constant  negotiation 
with  its  neighbors,  yet  it  is  the  summit  of  folly  for  it 
ever  to  be  beguiled  into  a treaty;  for  then  comes  on 
non-fulfillment  and  infraction,  then  remonstrance,  then 
altercation,  then  retaliation,  then  recrimination,  and  fin- 
ally open  war.  In  a word,  negotiation  is  like  courtship — 
a time  of  sweet  words,  gallant  speeches,  soft  looks,  and  en- 
dearing caresses,  but  the  marriage  ceremony  is  the  signal 
for  hostilities. 

If  my  painstaking  reader  be  not  somewhat  perplexed  by 
the  ratiocination  of  the  foregoing  passage,  he  will  perceive 
at  a glance  that  the  Great  Peter  in  concluding  a treaty 
with  his  eastern  neighbors  was  guilty  of  lamentable  error 
in  policy.  In  fact,  to  this  unlucky  agreement  may  be 
traced  a world  of  bickerings  and  heart-burnings  between 
the  parties  about  fancied  or  pretended  infringements  of 
treaty  stipulations;  in  all  which  the  Yankees  were  prone 
to  indemnify  themselves  by  a “dig  into  the  sides”  of  the 
New  Netherlands.  Butin  sooth,  these  border  feuds,  albeit 
they  gave  great  annoyance  to  the  good  burghers  of  Manna- 
hata,  were  so  pitiful  in  their  nature  that  a grave  historian 
like  myself,  who  grudges  the  time  spent  in  anything  less 
than  the  revolutions  of  states  and  fall  of  empires,  would 
deem  them  unworthy  of  being  inscribed  on  his  page.  The 
reader  is  therefore  to  take  it  for  granted — though  I scorn 
to  waste  in  the  detail  that  time  which  my  furrowed  brow  and 
trembling  hand  inform  me  is  invaluable — that  all  the  while 
the  Great  Peter  was  occupied  in  those  tremendous  and 
bloody  contests  which  I shall  shortly  rehearse  there  was  a 
continued  series  of  little,  dirty,  snivelling  scourings,  broils, 
and  maraudings  kept  up  on  the  eastern  frontiers  by  the 


196 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


moss  troopers  of  Connecticut.  But,  like  that  mirror  of 
chivalry,  the  sage  and  valorous  Don  Quixote,  I leave  these 
petty  contests  for  some  future  Sancho  Panza  of  an  historian, 
while  I reserve  my  prowess  and  my  pen  for  achievements 
of  higher  dignity;  for  at  this  moment  I hear  a direful  and 
portentous  note  issuing  from  the  bosom  of  the  great  coun- 
cil of  the  league  and  resounding  throughout  the  regions  of 
the  east,  menacing  the  fame  and  fortunes  of  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant.  I call,  therefore,  upon  the  reader  to  leave  behind 
him  all  the  paltry  brawls  of  the  Connecticut  borders,  and 
to  press  forward  with  me  to  the  relief  of  our  favorite  hero, 
who  I foresee  will  be  woefully  beset  by  the  implacable  Yan- 
kees in  the  next  chapter. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


197 


CHAPTER  V. 

HOW  PETER  STUYVESANT  WAS  GRIEVOUSLY  BELIED  BY 
THE  GREAT  COUNCIL  OF  THE  LEAGUE;  AND  HOW  HE 
SENT  ANTONY  THE  TRUMPETER  TO  TAKE  TO  THE  COUN- 
CIL A PIECE  OF  HIS  MIND. 

That  the  reader  may  be  aware  of  the  peril  at  this  mo- 
ment menacing  Peter  Stuyvesant  and  his  capital,  I must 
remind  him  of  the  old  charge  advanced  in  the  council  of 
the  league  in  the  time  of  William  the  Testy,  that  the  Ned* 
erlandters  were  carrying  on  a trade  “damnable  and  injuri- 
ous to  the  colonists”  in  furnishing  the  savages  with  “guns, 
powther,  and  shott.”  This  as  I then  suggested,  was  a 
crafty  device  of  the  Yankee  confederacy  to  have  a snug 
cause  of  war  in  petto,  in  case  any  favorable  opportunity 
should  present  of  attempting  the  conquest  of  the  New 
Netherlands,  the  great  object  of  Yankee  ambition. 

Accordingly,  we  now  find,  when  every  other  ground  of 
complaint  had  apparently  been  removed  by  treaty,  this  ne- 
farious charge  revived  with  tenfold  virulence,  and  hurled 
like  a thunderbolt  at  the  very  head  of  Peter  Stuyvesant; 
happily  his  head,  like  that  of  the  great  bull  of  the  Wabash, 
was  proof  against  such  missiles. 

To  be  explicit,  we  are  told  that  in  the  year  1651  the  great 
confederacy  of  the  east  accused  the  immaculate  Peter,  the 
soul  of  honor  and  heart  of  steel,  of  secretly  endeavoring  by 
gifts  and  promises  to  instigate  the  Narrohegansett,  Mo- 
haque,  and  Pequot  Indians  to  surprise  and  massacre  the 
Yankee  settlements.  “For”  as  the  grand  council  ob- 
served, “the  Indians  round  about  for  divers  hundred  miles 
cercute  seeme  to  have  drunk  deepe  of  an  intoxicating  cupp, 
att  or  from  the  Manhattoes  against  the  English,  whoe 
have  sought  their  good,  both  in  bodily  and  spirituall  re- 
spects.” 

This  charge  they  pretended  to  support  by  the  evidence 


198 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


of  divers  Indians,  who  were  probably  moved  by  that  spirit 
of  truth  which  is  said  to  reside  in  the  bottle,  and  who  swore 
to  the  fact  as  sturdily  as  though  they  had  been  so  many 
Christian  troopers. 

Though  descended  from  a family  which  suffered  much 
injury  from  the  losel  Yankees  of  those  times — my  great- 
grandfather having  had  a yoke  of  oxen  and  his  best  pacer 
stolen,  and  having  received  a pair  of  black  eyes  and  a 
bloody  nose  in  one  of  these  border  wars,  and  my  grand- 
father, when  a very  little  boy  tending  pigs,  having  been 
kidnaped  and  severely  flogged  by  a long-sided  Connecti- 
cut schoolmaster — yet  I should  have  passed  over  all  these 
wrongs  with  forgiveness  and  oblivion;  I could  even  have 
suffered  them  to  have  broken  Everet  Ducking's  head;  to 
have  kicked  the  doughty  Jacobus  Van  Curlet  and  his 
ragged  regiment  out  of  doors;  to  have  carried  every  hog 
into  captivity  and  depopulated  every  hen-roost  on  the  face 
of  the  earth  with  perfect  impunity;  but  this  wanton  attack 
upon  one  of  the  most  gallant  and  irreproachable  heroes  of 
modern  times  is  too  much  even  for  me  to  digest,  and  has 
overset  with  a single  puff  the  patience  of  the  historian  and 
the  forbearance  of  the  Dutchman. 

0 reader,  it  was  false!  I swear  to  it  thee,  it  was  false! 
If  thou  hast  any  respect  to  my  word — if  the  undeviating 
character  for  veracity  which  I have  endeavored  to  main- 
tain throughout  this  work  has  its  due  weight  with  thee, 
thou  wilt  not  give  thy  faith  to  this  tale  of  slander;  for  I 
pledge  my  honor  and  my  immortal  fame  to  thee  that  the 
gallant  Peter  Stuyvesant  was  not  only  innocent  of  this 
foul  conspiracy,  but  would  have  suffered  his  right  arm  or 
even  his  wooden  leg  to  consume  with  slow  and  everlasting 
flames  rather  than  attempt  to  destroy  his  enemies  in  any 
other  way  than  open,  generous  warfare.  Beshrew  those 
caitiff  scouts  that  conspired  to  sully  his  honest  name  by 
such  an  imputation! 

Peter  Stuyvesant,  though  haply  he  may  never  have 
heard  of  a knight-errant,  had  as  true  a heart  of  chivalry  as 
ever  beat  at  the  Round  Table  of  King  Arthur.  In  the 
honest  bosom  of  this  heroic  Dutchman  dwelt  the  seven 
noble  virtues  of  knighthood,  flourishing  among  his  hardy 
qualities  like  wild  flowers  among  rocks.  He  was,  in  truth, 
a hero  of  chivalry  struck  off  by  Nature  at  a single  heat, 
and  though  little  care  may  have  been  taken  to  refine  her 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


199 


workmanship,  he  stood  forth  a miracle  of  her  skill.  In  all 
his  dealings  he  was  headstrong  perhaps,  but  open  and 
above  board;  if  there  was  anything  in  the  whole  world  he 
most  loathed  and  despised,  it  was  cunning  and  secret  wile; 
“Straightforward!”  was  his  motto,  and  he  would  at  any 
time  rather  run  his  hard  head  against  a stone  wall  than 
attempt  to  get  round  it. 

Such  was  Peter  Stuyvesant,  and  if  my  admiration  of  him 
has  on  this  occasion  transported  my  style  beyond  the  sober 
gravity  which  becomes  the  philosophic  recorder  of  historic 
events,  I must  plead  as  an  apology  that,  though  a little 
gray-headed  Dutchman,  arrived  almost  at  the  downhill  of 
life,  I still  retain  a lingering  spark  of  that  fire  which  kindles 
in  the  eye  of  youth  when  contemplating  the  virtues  of 
ancient  worthies.  Blessed,  thrice  and  nine  times  blessed, 
be  the  good  St.  Nicholas  if  I have  indeed  escaped  that 
apathy  which  chills  the  sympathies  of  age  and  paralyzes 
every  glow  of  enthusiasm. 

The  first  measure  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  on  hearing  of  this 
slanderous  charge  would  have  been  worthy  of  a man  who 
had  studied  for  years  in  the  chivalrous  library  of  Don 
Quixote.  Drawing  his  sword  and  laying  it  across  the 
table  to  put  him  in  proper  tune,  he  took  pen  in  hand  and 
indited  a proud  and  lofty  letter  to  the  council  of  the  league, 
reproaching  them  with  giving  ear  to  the  slanders  of  heathen 
savages  against  a Christian,  a soldier,  and  a cavalier;  declar- 
ing that  whoever  charged  him  with  the  plot  in  question  lied 
in  his  throat;  to  prove  which  he  offered  to  meet  the  presi- 
dent of  the  council  or  any  of  his  compeers,  or  their  cham- 
pion, Captain  Alicxsander  Partridg,  that  mighty  man  of 
Rhodes,  in  single  combat,  wherein  he  trusted  to  vindicate 
his  honor  by  the  prowess  of  his  arm. 

This  missive  was  intrusted  to  his  trumpeter  and  squire, 
Antony  Van  Corlear,  that  man  of  emergencies,  with  orders 
to  travel  night  and  day,  sparing  neither  whip  nor  spur, 
seeing  that  he  carried  the  vindication  of  his.,  patron’s  fame 
in  his  saddle-bags. 

The  loyal  Antony  accomplished  his  mission  with  great 
speed  and  considerable  loss  of  leather.  He  delivered  his 
missive  with  becoming  ceremony,  accompanying  it  with  a 
flourish  of  defiance  on  his  trumpet  to  the  whole  council, 
ending  with  a significant  and  nasal  twang  full  in  the  face 
of  Captain  Partridg,  who  nearly  jumped  out  of  his  skin  in 
an  ecstacy  of  astonishment. 


200 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


The  grand  council  was  composed  of  men  too  cool  and 
practical  to  be  put  readily  in  a heat  or  to  indulge  in 
knight-errantry,  and  above  all  to  run  a tilt  with  such  a fiery 
hero  as  Peter  the  Headstrong.  They  knew  the  advantage, 
however,  to  have  always  a snug,  justifiable  cause  of  war 
in  reserve  with  a neighbor  who  had  territories  worth  invad- 
ing; so  they  devised  a reply  to  Peter  Stuyvesant  calculated 
to  keep  up  the  “raw”  which  they  had  established. 

On  receiving  this  answer,  Antony  Van  Corlear  remounted 
the  Flanders  mare  which  he  always  rode,  and  trotted  mer- 
rily back  to  the  Manhattoes,  solacing  himself  by  the  way 
according  to  his  wont — twanging  his  trumpet  like  a very 
devil,  so  that  the  sweet  valleys  and  banks  of  the  Connecti- 
cut resounded  with  the  warlike  melody,  bringing  all  the 
folks  to  the  windows  as  he  passed  through  Hartford  and 
Pyquag  and  Middletown  and  all  the  other  border  towns, 
ogling  and  winking  at  the  women,  and  making  aerial  wind- 
mills from  the  end  of  his  nose  at  their  husbands,  and  stop- 
ping occasionally  in  the  villages  to  eat  pumpkin  pies,  dance 
at  country  frolics,  and  bundle  with  the  Yankee  lasses,  whom 
he  rejoiced  exceedingly  with  his  soul-stirring  instrument. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


201 


CHAPTER  VI. 

HOW  PETER  STUYVESANT  DEMANDED  A COURT  OF  HONOR — 
AND  OF  THE  COURT  OF  HONOR  AWARDED  TO  HIM. 

The  reply  of  the  grand  council  to  Peter  Stuyvesant  was 
couched  in  the  coolest  and  most  diplomatic  language. 
They  assured  him  that  “ his  confident  denials  of  the  bar- 
barous plot  alleged  against  him  would  weigh  little  against 
the  testimony  of  divers  sober  and  respectable  Indians;” 
that  “ his  guilt  was  proved  to  their  perfect  satisfaction,”  so 
that  they  must  still  require  and  seek  due  satisfaction  and 
security;  ending  with,  “ So  we  rest,  sir — Yours  in  ways  of 
righteousness.” 

I forbear  to  say  how  the  lion-hearted  Peter  roared  and 
ramped  at  finding  himself  more  and  more  entangled  in  the 
meshes  thus  artfully  drawn  round  him  by  the  knowing 
Yankees.  Impatient,  however,  of  suffering  so  gross  an 
aspersion  to  rest  upon  his  honest  name,  he  sent  a second 
messenger  to  the  council,  reiterating  his  denial  of  the 
treachery  imputed  to  him,  and  offering  to  submit  his  con- 
duct to  the  scrutiny  of  a court  of  honor.  His  offer  was 
readily  accepted,  and  now  he  looked  forward  with  con- 
fidence to  an  august  tribunal  to  be  assembled  at  the  Man- 
hattoes,  formed  of  high-minded  cavaliers,  peradventure 
governors  and  commanders  of  the  confederate  plantations, 
where  the  matter  might  be  investigated  by  his  peers  in  a 
manner  befitting  his  rank  and  dignity. 

While  he  was  awaiting  the  arrival  of  such  high  function- 
aries, behold,  one  sunshiny  afternoon  there  rode  into  the 
great  gate  of  the  Manhattoes  two  lean,  hungry-looking 
Yankees,  mounted  on  Narragansett  pacers,  with  saddle-bags 
under  their  bottoms  and  green  satchels  under  their  arms, 
who  looked  marvelously  like  two  pettifogging  attorneys 
beating  the  hoof  from  one  county  court  to  another  in 
quest  of  lawsuits;  and,  in  sooth,  though  they  may  have 
passed  under  different  names  at  the  time,  I have  reason  to 


202 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


suspect  they  were  the  identical  varlets  who  had  negotiated 
the  worthy  Dutch  commissioners  out  of  the  Connecticut 
River. 

It  was  a rule  with  these  indefatigable  missionaries  never 
to  let  the  grass  grow  under  their  feet.  Scarce  had  they, 
therefore,  alighted  at  the  inn  and  deposited  their  saddle- 
bags than  they  made  their  way  to  the  residence  of  the 
governor.  They  found  him,  according  to  custom,  smoking 
his  afternoon  pipe  on  the  “stoop,”  or  bench  at  the  porch  of 
his  house,  and  announced  themselves  at  once  as  commis- 
sioners sent  by  the  grand  council  of  the  east  to  investigate 
the  truth  of  certain  charges  advanced  against  him. 

The  good  Peter  took  his  pipe  from  his  mouth  and  gazed 
at  them  for  a moment  in  mute  astonishment.  By  way  of 
expediting  business  they  were  proceeding  on  the  spot  to  put 
some  preliminary  questions,  asking  him,  peradventure, 
whether  he  pleaded  guilty  or  not  guilty,  considering  him 
something  in  the  light  of  a culprit  at  the  bar,  when  they 
were  brought  to  a pause  by  seeing  him  lay  down  his  pipe 
and  begin  to  fumble  with  his  walking  staff.  For  a mo- 
ment those  present  would  not  have  given  half  a crown  for 
both  the  crowns  of  the  commissioners;  but  Peter  Stuyvesant 
repressed  his  mighty  wrath  and  stayed  his  hand;  he 
scanned  the  varlets  from  head  to  foot,  satchels  and  all,  with 
a look  of  ineffable  scorn;  then  strode  into  the  house, 
slammed  the  door  after  him,  and  commanded  that  they 
should  never  again  be  admitted  to  his  presence. 

The  knowing  commissioners  winked  to  each  other,  and 
made  a certificate  on  the  spot  that  the  governor  had  refused 
to  answer  their  interrogatories  or  to  submit  to  their  examin- 
ation. They  then  proceeded  to  rummage  about  the  city 
for  two  or  three  days  in  quest  of  what  they  called  evidence, 
perplexing  Indians  and  old  women  with  their  cross-ques- 
tioning until  they  had  stuffed  their  satchels  and  saddle- 
bags with  all  kinds  of  apocryphal  tales,  rumors,  and  calum- 
nies; with  these  they  mounted  their  Narragansett  pacers 
and  traveled  back  to  the  grand  council.  Neither  did  the 
proud-hearted  Peter  trouble  himself  to  hinder  their  re- 
searches nor  impede  their  departure;  he  was  too  mindful 
of  their  sacred  character  as  envoys;  but  I warrant  me  had 
they  played  the  same  tricks  with  William  the  Testy,  he 
would  have  had  them  tucked  up  by  the  waistband  and 
treated  to  an  aerial  gambol  on  his  patent  gallows, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


203 


CHAPTER  VII. 

HOW  u DRUM  ECCLESIASTIC”  WAS  BEATEN  THROUGHOUT 
CONNECTICUT  EOR  A CRUSADE  AGAINST  THE  NEW  NETH- 
ERLANDS, AND  HOW  PETER  STUYVESANT  TOOK  MEAS- 
URES TO  FORTIFY  HIS  CAPITAL. 

The  grand  council  of  the  east  held  a solemn  meeting 
on  the  return  of  their  envoys.  As  no  advocate  appeared 
in  behalf  of  Peter  Stuyvesant,  everything  went  against  him. 
His  haughty  refusal  to  submit  to  the  questioning  of  the 
commissioners  was  construed  into  a consciousness  of  guilt. 
The  contents  of  the  satchels  and  saddle  bags  were  poured 
forth  before  the  council  and  appeared  a mountain  of  evi- 
dence. A pale  bilious  orator  took  the  floor  and  declaimed 
for 'hours  and  in  belligerent  terms.  He  was  one  of  those 
furious  zealots  who  blow  the  bellows  of  faction  until  the 
whole  furnace  of  politics  is  red  hot  with  sparks  and  cin- 
ders. What  was  it  to  him  if  he  should  set  the  house  on 
fire,  so  that  he  might  boil  his  pot  by  the  blaze?  He  was 
from  the  borders  of  Connecticut;  his  constituents  lived  by 
marauding  their  Dutch  neighbors,  and  were  the  greatest 
poachers  in  Christendom,  excepting  the  Scotch  border  no- 
bles. His  eloquence  had  its  effect,  and  it  was  determined 
to  set  on  foot  an  expedition  against  the  Nieuw  Neder- 
landts. 

It  was  necessary,  however,  to  prepare  the  public  mind  for 
this  measure.  Accordingly,  the  arguments  of  the  orator 
were  echoed  from  the  pulpit  for  several  succeeding  Sun- 
days, and  a crusade  was  preached  up  against  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant  and  his  devoted  city. 

This  is  the  first  we  hear  of  the  “ drum  ecclesiastic  ” beat- 
ing up  for  recruits  in  worldly  warfare  in  our  country.  It 
has  since  been  called  into  frequent  use.  A cunning  poli- 
tician often  lurks  under  the  clerical  robe;  things  spiritual 
and  things  temporal  are  strangely  jumbled  together,  like 


204 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


drugs  on  an  apothecary’s  shelf;  and  instead  of  a peaceful 
sermon  the  simple  seeker  after  righteousness  has  often  a 
political  pamphlet  thrust  down  his  throat,  labelled  with  a 
pious  text  from  scripture. 

And  now  nothing  was  talked  of  but  an  expedition  against 
the  Manhattoes.  It  pleased  the  populace,  who  had  a vehe- 
ment prejudice  against  the  Dutch,  considering  them  a 
vastly  inferior  race,  who  had  sought  the  New  World  for 
the  lucre  of  gain,  not  the  liberty  of  conscience;  who  were 
mere  heretics  and  infidels,  inasmuch  as  they  refused  to 
believe  in  witches  and  sea-serpents,  and  had  faith  in  the 
virtues  of  horse-shoes  nailed  to  the  door;  ate  pork  without 
molasses;  held  pumpkins  in  contempt;  and  were  in  per- 
petual breach  of  the  eleventh  commandment  of  all 
true  Yankees,  “ Thou  shalt  have  codfish  dinners  on  Sat- 
urdays.” 

No  sooner  did  Peter  Stuyvesant  get  wind  of  the  storm 
that  was  brewing  in  the  east  than  he  set  to  work  to  pre- 
pare for  it.  He  was  not  one  of  those  economical  rulers 
who  postpone  the  expense  of  fortifying  until  the  enemy  is 
at  the  door.  There  is  nothing,  he  would  say,  that  keeps  off 
enemies  and  crows  more  than  the  smell  of  gunpowder.  He 
proceeded,  therefore,  with  all  diligence  to  put  the  province 
and  its  metropolis  in  a posture  of  defense. 

Among  the  remnants  which  remained  from  the  days  of 
William  the  Testy  were  the  militia  laws,  by  which  the  in- 
habitants were  obliged  to  turn  out  twice  a year  with  such 
military  equipments  as  it  pleased  God,  and  were  put  under 
the  command  of  tailors  and  man-milliners,  who,  though  on 
ordinary  occasions  they  might  have  been  the  meekest,  most 
pippin-hearted  little  men  in  the  world,  were  very  devils  at 
parades,  when  they  had  cocked  hats  on  their  heads  and 
swords  by  their  sides.  Under  the  instructions  of  these 
periodical  warriors  the  peaceful  burghers  of  the  Manhat- 
toes were  schooled  in  iron  war,  and  became  so  hardy  in  the 
process  of  time  that  they  could  march  through  sun  and 
rain,  from  one  end  of  the  town  to  the  other,  without  flinch- 
ing; and  so  intrepid  and  adroit  that  they  could  face  to  the 
right,  wheel  to  the  left,  and  fire  without  winking  or 
blinking. 

Peter  Stuyvesant,  like  all  old  soldiers  who  have  seen 
service  and  smelt  gunpowder,  had  no  great  respect  for 
militia  troops;  however  he  determined  to  give  them  a 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


205 


trial,  and  accordingly  called  for  a general  muster,  inspec- 
tion, and  review.  But,  0 Mars  and  Bellotia!  what  a turn- 
ing out  was  here!  Here  came  old  Roe lant  Cuckaburt, 
with  a short  blunderbuss  on  his  shoulder  and  a long  horse- 
man’s sword  trailing  by  his  side;  and  Barent  Dirkson, 
with  something  that  looked  like  a copper  kettle  turned  up- 
side down  on  his  head,  and  a couple  of  old  horse-pistols  in 
his  belt;  and  Dirk  Volkertson,  with  a long  duck  fowling- 
piece  without  any  ramrod;  and  a host  more,  armed  hig- 
gledly-piggledly  — with  swords,  hachets,  snickersnees, 
crowbars,  broomsticks,  and  what  not,  the  officers  distin- 
guished from  the  rest  by  having  their  slouched  hats 
cocked  up  with  pins  and  surmounted  with  cock-tail 
feathers. 

The  sturdy  Peter  eyed  this  nondescript  host  with  some 
such  rueful  aspect  as  a man  would  eye  the  devil,  and  de- 
termined to  give  his  feather-bed  soldiers  a seasoning.  He 
accordingly  put  them  through  their  manual  exercise  over 
and  over  again;  trudged  them  backward  and  forward 
about  the  streets  of  New  Amsterdam  until  their  short  legs 
ached  and  their  fat  sides  sweated  again;  and  finally  en- 
camped them  in  the  evening  on  the  summit  of  a hill  with- 
out the  city  to  give  them  a taste  of  camp-life,  intending  the 
next  day  to  renew  the  toils  and  perils  of  the  field.  But  so 
it  came  to  pass  that  in  the  night  there  fell  a great  and 
heavy  rain,  and  melted  away  the  army,  so  that  in  the 
morning,  when  Gaffer  Phoebus  shed  his  first  beams  upon 
the  camp,  scarce  a warrior  remained  excepting  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant  and  his  trumpeter  Van  Corlear. 

This  awful  desolation  of  a whole  army  would  have  ap- 
palled a commander  of  less  nerve;  but  it  served  to  confirm 
Peter’s  want  of  confidence  in  the  militia  system,  which  he 
thenceforward  used  to  call,  in  joke — for  he  sometimes  in- 
dulged in  a joke — William  the  Testy’s  broken  reed.  He 
now  took  into  his  service  a goodly  number  of  burly,  broad- 
shouldered,  broad-bottomed  Dutchmen,  whom  he  paid  in 
good  silver  and  gold,  and  of  whom  he  boasted  that 
whether  they  could  stand  fire  or  not,  they  were  at  least 
water-proof  . 

He  fortified  the  city,  too,  with  pickets  and  pallisadoes 
extending  across  the  island  from  river  to  river,  and,  above 
all,  cast  up  mud-batteries  or  redoubts  on  the  point  of  the 
island  where  it  divided  the  beautiful  bosom  of  the  bay. 


206 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 

These  latter  redoubts  in  process  of  time  came  to  be 
pleasantly  overrun  by  a carpet  of  grass  and  clover  and  over- 
shadowed by  widespreading  elms  and  sycamores,  among  the 
branches  of  which  the  birds  would  build  their  nests  and  re- 
joice the  ear  with  their  melodious  notes.  Under  these 
trees,  too,  the  old  burghers  would  smoke  their  afternoon 
pipe,  contemplating  the  golden  sun  as  he  sank  in  the  west, 
an  emblem  of  the  tranquil  end  toward  which  they  were  de- 
clining. Here,  too,  would  the  young  men  and  maidens  of 
the  town  take  their  evening  stroll,  watching  the  silver  moon- 
beams as  they  trembled  along  the  calm  bosom  of  the  bay  or 
lit  up  the  sail  of  some  gliding  bark,  and  peradventure  in- 
terchanging the  soft  vows  of  honest  affection;  for  to  evening 
strolls  in  this  favored  spot  were  traced  most  of  the  mar- 
riages in  New  Amsterdam. 

Such  was  the  origin  of  that  renowned  promenade.  The 
Battery,  which  though  ostensibly  devoted  to  the  stern 
purposes  of  war,  has  ever  been  consecrated  to  the  sweet  de- 
lights of  peace — the  scene  of  many  a gambol  in  happy 
childhood — of  many  a tender  assignation  in  riper  years — 
of  many  a soothing  walk  in  declining  age — the  healthful 
resort  of  the  feeble  invalid — the  Sunday  refreshment  of 
the  dusty  tradesman — in  fine,  the  ornament  and  delight 
of  New  York  and  the  pride  of  the  lovely  island  of  Manna- 
hatta. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


207 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

HOW  THE  YANKEE  CRUSADE  AGAINST  THE  NEW  NETHER- 
LANDS WAS  BAFFLED  BY  THE  SUDDEN  OUTBREAK  OF 
WITCHCRAFT  AMONG  THE  PEOPLE  OF  THE  EAST. 

Haying  thus  provided  for  the  temporary  security  of 
New  Amsterdam  and  guarded  it  against  any  sudden  sur- 
prise, the  gallant  Peter  took  a hearty  pinch  of  snuff,  and, 
snapping  his  fingers,  set  the  great  council  of  Amphictyons 
and  their  champion,  the  redoubtable  Alicxsander  Partridg, 
at  defiance.  In  the  meantime,  the  moss-troopers  of  Con- 
necticut, the  warriors  of  New  Haven  and  Hartford  and 
Pyquag,  otherwise  called  Weathersfield,  famous  for  its 
onions  and  its  witches,  and  of  all  the  other  border  towns, 
were  in  a prodigious  turmoil,  furbishing  up  their  rusty 
weapons,  shouting  aloud  for  war,  and  anticipating  easy 
conquests  and  glorious  rummaging  of  the  fat  little  Dutch 
villages. 

In  the  midst  of  these  warlike  preparations,  however, 
they  received  the  chilling  news  that  the  colony  of  Massa- 
chusetts refused  to  back  them  in  this  righteous  war.  It 
seems  that  the  gallant  conduct  of  Peter  Stuyvesant,  the 
generous  warmth  of  his  vindication,  and  the  chivalrous 
spirit  of  his  defiance,  though  lost  upon  the  grand  council 
of  the  league,  had  carried  conviction  to  the  general  court 
of  Massachusetts,  which  nobly  refused  to  believe  him  guilty 
of  the  villainous  plot  laid  at  his  door.* 

The  defection  of  so  important  a colony  paralyzed  the 
councils  of  the  league;  some  such  dissension  arose  among 
its  members  as  prevailed  of  yore  in  the  camp  of  the  brawl- 
ing warriors  of  Greece,  and  in  the  end  the  crusade  against 
the  Manhattoes  was  abandoned. 

It  is  said  that  the  moss-troopers  of  Connecticut  were 
sorely  disappointed  ; but  well  for  them  that  their  belliger- 


*Hazard’s  State  Papers. 


208 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


ent  cravings  were  not  gratified,  for,  by  my  faith,  whatever 
might  have  been  the  ultimate  result  of  a conflict  with  all 
the  powers  of  the  east,  in  the  interim  the  stomachful 
heroes  of  Pyquag  would  have  been  choked  with  their  own 
onions,  and  all  the  border  towns  of  Connecticut  would 
have  had  such  a scouring  from  the  lion-hearted  Peter  and 
his  robustious  myrmidons  that  I warrant  me  they  would 
not  have  had  the  stomach  to  squat  on  the  land  or  invade 
the  hen-roost  of  a Nederlandter  for  a century  to  come. 

But  it  was  not  merely  the  refusal  of  Massachusetts  to 
join  in  their  unholy  crusade  that  confounded  the  councils 
of  the  league,  for  about  this  time  broke  out  in  the  New- 
England  provinces  the  awful  plague  of  witchcraft,  which 
spread  like  pestilence  through  the  land.  Such  a howling 
abomination  could  not  be  suffered  to  remain  long  un- 
noticed ; it  soon  excited  the  fiery  indignation  of  those  guard- 
ians of  the  commonwealth  who  whilom  had  evinced  such 
active  benevolence  in  the  conversion  of  Quakers  and  Ana- 
baptists. The  grand  council  of  the  league  publicly  set 
their  faces  against  the  crime,  and  bloody  laws  were  enacted 
against  all  “solemn  conversing  or  compacting  with  the 
devil  by  the  way  of  conjuracion  or  the  like."  * Strict 
search  too  was  made  after  witches,  who  were  easily  detected 
by  devil's  pinches,  by  being  able  to  weep  but  three  tears, 
and  those  out  of  the  left  eye,  and  by  having  a most  sus- 
picious predilection  for  black  cats  and  broomsticks  ! What 
is  particularly  worthy  of  admiration  is,  that  this  terrible 
art,  which  has  baffled  the  studies  and  researches  of  phi- 
losophers, astrologers,  theurgiets,  and  other  sages  was 
chiefly  confined  to  the  most  ignorant,  decrepit,  and  ugly 
old  women  in  the  community,  with  scarce  more  brains 
than  the  broomsticks  they  rode  upon. 

When  once  an  alarm  is  sounded  the  public,  who  dearly 
love  to  be  in  a panic,  are  always  ready  to  keep  it  up.  Eaise 
but  the  cry  of  yellow  fever,  and  immediately  every  head- 
ache, indigestion,  and  overflowing  of  the  bile  is  pronounced 
the  terrible  epidemic ; cry  out  mad  dog,  and  every  unlucky 
cur  in  the  street  is  in  jeopardy  ; so  in  the  present  instance, 
whoever  was  troubled  with  a colic  or  lumbago  was  sure  to 
be  bewitched,  and  woe  to  any  unlucky  old  woman  living  in 
the  neighborhood  ! 


* New  Plymouth  record. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


209 


It  is  incredible  the  number  of  offenses  that  were  detected, 
“for  every  one  of  which,”  says  the  Keverend  Cotton  Mather, 
in  that  excellent  work,  the  History  of  New  England,  “ we 
have  such  a sufficient  evidence  that  no  reasonable  man  in 
this  whole  country  ever  did  question  them  ; and  it  will  be 
unreasonable  to  do  it  in  any  other.”  * 

Indeed,  that  authentic  and  judicious  historian,  John 
Josselyn,  Gent.,  furnishes  us  with  unquestionable  facts  on 
this  subject.  “There  are  none,”  observes  he, “ that  beg 
in  this  country,  but  there  be  witches  too  many — bottle- 
bellied  witches  and  others,  that  produce  many  strange 
apparitions,  if  you  will  believe  report  of  a shallop  at  sea 
manned  with  women — and  of  a ship  and  great  red  horse 
standing  by  the  main-mast ; the  ship  being  in  a small  cove 
to  the  eastward  vanished  of  a sudden,”  etc. 

The  number  of  delinquents,  however,  and  their  magical 
devices,  were  not  more  remarkable  than  their  diabolical 
obstinacy.  Though  exhorted  in  the  most  solemn,  persua- 
sive, and  affectionate  manner  to  confess  themselves  guilty 
and  be  burnt  for  the  good  of  religion  and  the  entertain- 
ment of  the  public,  yet  did  they  most  pertinaciously  per- 
sist in  asserting  their  innocence.  Such  incredible  obstinacy 
was  in  itself  deserving  of  immediate  punishment,  and  was 
sufficent  proof,  if  proof  were  necessary,  that  they  were  in 
league  with  the  devil,  who  is  perverseness  itself.  But  their 
judges  were  just  and  merciful,  and  were  determined  to  pun- 
ish none  that  were  not  convicted  on  the  best  of  testimony, 
not  that  they  needed  any  evidence  to  satisfy  their  own  minds; 
for,  like  true  and  experienced  judges,  their  minds  were  per- 
fectly made  up,  and  they  were  thoroughly  satisfied  of  the 
guilt  of  the  prisoners  before  they  proceeded  to  try  them; 
but  still,  something  was  necessary  to  convince  the  commu- 
nity at  large — to  quiet  those  prying  quidnuncs  who  should 
come  after  them;  in  short,  the  world  must  be  satisfied.  Oh 
the  world!  the  world!  all  the  world  knows  the  world  of 
trouble  the  world  is  eternally  occasioning!  The  worthy 
judges,  therefore,  were  driven  to  the  necessity  of  sifting, 
detecting,  and  making  evident  as  noonday  matters  which 
were  at  the  commencement  all  clearly  understood  and  firm- 
ly decided  upon  in  their  own  pericraniums;  so  that  it  may 
truly  be  said  that  the  witches  were  burnt  to  gratify  the 


* Matlier’s  Hist.  New  Eng.  B.  6.  cli.  7. 


210 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


populace  of  the  day,  but  were  tried  for  the  satisfaction  of 
the  whole  world  that  should  come  after  them! 

Finding,  therefore,  that  neither  exhortation,  sound  rea- 
son, nor  friendly  entreaty  had  any  avail  on  these  hardened 
offenders,  they  resorted  to  the  more  urgent  arguments  of 
torture;  and  having  thus  absolutely  wrung  the  truth  from 
their  stubborn  lips,  they  condemned  them  to  undergo  the 
roasting  due  unto  the  heinous  crimes  they  had  confessed. 
Some  even  carried  their  perverseness  so  far  as  to  expire 
under  the  torture,  protesting  their  innocence  to  the  last; 
but  these  were  looked  upon  as  thoroughly  and  absolutely 
possessed  by  the  d.evil,  and  the  pious  bystanders  only  la- 
mented that  they  had  not  lived  a little  longer  to  have  per- 
ished in  the  flames. 

In  the  city  of  Ephesus  we  are  told  that  the  plague  was 
expelled  by  stoning  a ragged  old  begger  to  death  whom 
Apollonius  pointed  out  as  being  the  evil  spirit  that  caused 
it,  and  who  actually  showed  himself  to  be  a demon  by 
changing  into  a shagged  dog  In  like  manner  and  by 
measures  equally  sagacious  a salutary  check  was  given  to 
this  growing  evil.  The  witches  were  all  burnt,  banished, 
or  panic-struck,  and  in  a little  while  there  was  not  an  ugly 
old  woman  to  be  found  throughout  New  England;  which 
is  doubtless  one  reason  why  all  the  young  women  there  are 
so  handsome.  Those  honest  folk  who  had  suffered  from 
their  incantations  gradually  recovered — excepting  such  as 
had  been  afflicted  with  twitches  and  aches,  which  however, 
assumed  the  less  alarming  aspects  of  rheumatisms,  sciatics, 
and  lumbagoes — and  the  good  people  of  New  England, 
abandoning  the  study  of  the  occult  sciences,  turned  their 
attention  to  the  more  profitable  hocus-pocus  of  trade,  and 
soon  became  expert  in  the  legerdemain  art  of  turning  a pen- 
ny. Still,  however,  a tinge  of  the  old  leaven  is  discern- 
ible even  unto  this  day  in  their  characters:  witches  oc- 
casionally start  up  among  them  in  different  disguises,  as 
physicians,  civilians,  and  divines.  The  people  at  large 
show  a keenness,  a cleverness,  and  a profundity  of  wisdom 
that  savors  strongly  of  witchcraft;  and  it  has  been  remarked 
that  whenever  any  stones  fall  from  the  moon  the  greater 
part  of  them  is  sure  to  tumble  into  New  England. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


211 


CHAPTER  IX. 

WHICH  RECORDS  THE  RISE  AND  RENOWN  OF  A MILITARY 
COMMANDER,  SHOWING  THAT  A MAN,  LIKE  A BLADDER, 
MAY  BE  PUFFED  UP  TO  GREATNESS  BY  MERE  WIND;  TO- 
GETHER WITH  THE  CATASTROPHE  OF  A VETERAN  AND 
HIS  QUEUE. 

When  treating  of  these  tempestuous  times  the  unknown 
writer  of  the  Stuyvesant  manuscript  breaks  out  into  an 
apostrophe  in  praise  of  the  good  St.  Nicholas,  to  whose 
protecting  care  he  ascribes  the  dissensions  which  broke  out 
in  the  council  of  the  league  and  the  direful  witchcraft 
which  filled  all  Yankee  land  as  with  Egyptian  darkness. 

A portentous  gloom,  says  he,  hung  lowering  over  the  fair 
valleys  of  the  east:  the  pleasant  banks  of  the  Connecticut 
no  longer  echoed  to  the  sounds  of  rustic  gayety;  grisly 
phantoms  glided  about  each  wild  brook  and  silent  glen; 
fearful  apparitions  were  seen  in  the  air;  strange  voices 
were  heard  in  solitary  places;  and  the  border  towns  were 
so  occupied  in  detecting  and  punishing  losel  witches  that, 
for  a time,  all  talk  of  war  was  suspended,  and  New  Am- 
sterdam and  its  inhabitants  seemed  to  be  totally  forgot- 
ten. 

I must  not  conceal  the  fact  that  at  one  time  there  was 
some  danger  of  this  plague  of  witchcraft  extending  into 
the  New  Netherlands,  and  certain  witches  mounted  on 
broomsticks  are  said  to  have  been  seen  whisking  in  the  air 
over  some  of  the  Dutch  villages  near  the  borders;  but  the 
worthy  Nederlandters  took  the  precaution  to  nail  horse- 
shoes to  their  doors,  which  it  is  well  known  are  effectual 
barriers  against  all  diabolical  vermin  of  the  kind.  Many 
of  those  horseshoes  may  be  seen  at  this  very  day  on  ancient 
mansions  and  barns  remaining  from  the  days  of  the  patri- 
archs; nay,  the  custom  is  still  kept  up  among  some  of  our 
legitimate  Dutch  yeomanry,  who  inherit  from  their  fore- 


212 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


fathers  a desire  to  keep  witches  and  Yankees  out  of  the 
country. 

And  now  the  great  Peter,  having  no  immediate  hostility 
to  apprehend  from  the  east,  turned  his  face  with  charac- 
teristic vigilance  to  his  southern  frontiers.  The  attentive 
reader  will  recollect  that  certain  freebooting  Swedes  had 
become  very  troublesome  in  this  quarter  in  the  latter  part 
of  the  reign  of  William  the  Testy,  setting  at  naught  the 
proclamations  of  that  veritable  potentate,  and  putting  his 
admiral,  the  intrepid  Jan  Jansen  Alpendam,  #to  a perfect 
nonplus.  To  check  the  incursions  of  these  Swedes,  Peter 
Stuyvesaut  now  ordered  a force  to  that  frontier,  giving  the 
command  of  it  to  General  Jacobus  Van  Poffenburgh,  an 
officer  who  had  risen  to  great  importance  during  the  reign 
of  Wilhelmus  Kieft.  He  had,  if  histories  speak  true,  been 
second  in  command  to  the  doughty  Van  Curlet  when  he 
and  his  warriors  were  inhumanly  kicked  out  of  Fort  Goed 
Hoop  by  the  Yankees.  In  that  memorable  affair  Van  Pof- 
fenburgh is  said  to  have  received  more  kicks  in  a certain 
honorable  part  than  any  of  his  comrades,  in  consequence 
of  which,  on  the  resignation  of  Van  Curlet,  he  had  been 
promoted  to  his  place,  being  considered  a hero  who  had 
seen  service  and  suffered  in  his  country’s  cause. 

It  is  tropically  observed  by  honest  old  Socrates  that 
heaven  infuses  into  some  men  at  their  birth  a portion  of 
intellectual  gold;  into  others  of  intellectual  silver,  while 
others  are  intellectually  furnished  with  iron  and  brass.  Of 
the  last  class  was  General  Van  Poffenburgh,  and  it  would 
seem  as  if  Dame  Nature,  who  will  sometimes  be  partial, 
had  given  him  brass  enough  for  a dozen  ordinary  braziers. 
All  this  he  had  contrived  to  pass  off  upon  William  the 
Testy  for  genuine  gold,  and  the  little  governor  would  sit 
for  hours  and  listen  to  his  gunpowder  stories  of  exploits, 
which  left  those  of  Tirante  the  White,  Don  Belianis  of 
Greece,  or  St.  George  and  the  Dragon  quite  in  the  back- 
ground. Having  been  promoted  by  William  Kieft  to  the 
command  of  his  whole  disposable  forces,  he  gave  importance 
to  his  station  by  the  grandiloquence  of  his  bulletins,  always 
styling  himself  commander-in-chief  of  the  armies  of  the 
New  Netherlands,  though,  in  sober  truth,  these  armies  were 
nothing  more  than  a handful  of  hen-stealing*  bottle-bruis- 
ing ragamuffins. 

In  person  he  was  not  very  tall,  but  exceedingly  round; 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


213 


neither  did  his  bulk  proceed  from  his  being  fat,  but  windy, 
being  blown  up  by  a prodigious  conviction  of  his  own  im- 
portance until  he  resembled  one  of  those  bags  of  wind  given 
by  HColus,  in  an  incredible  fit  of  generosity,  to  that  vagabond 
warrior,  Ulysses.  His  windy  endowments  had  long  excited 
the  admiration  of  Antony  Van  Corlear,  who  is  said  to 
have  hinted  more  than  once  to  William  the  Testy  that  in 
making  Van  Poffenburgh  a general  he  has  spoiled  an 
admirable  trumpeter. 

As  it  is  the  practice  in  ancient  story  to  give  the  reader  a 
description  of  the  arms  and  equipments  of  every  noted  war- 
rior, I will  bestow  a word  upon  the  dress  of  this  redoubt- 
able commander.  It  comported  with  his  character,  being  so 
crossed  and  slashed  and  embroidered  with  lace  apd  tinsel 
that  he  seemed  to  have  as  much  brass  without  as  Nature 
had  stored  away  within.  He  was  swathed  too  in  a crimson 
sash,  of  the  size  and  texture  of  a fishing-net,  doubtless  to 
keep  his  swelling  heart  from  bursting  through  his  ribs. 
His  face  glowed  with  furnace  heat  from  between  a huge 
pair  of  well-powdered  whiskers,  and  his  valorous  soul 
seemed  ready  to  bounce  out  of  a pair  of  large,  glassy,  blink- 
ing eyes,  projecting  like  those  of  a lobster. 

I swear  to  thee,  worthy  reader,  if  history  and  tradition 
belie  not  this  warrior,  I would  give  all  the  money  in  my 
pocket  to  have  seen  him  accoutred  cap-a-pie — booted  to  the 
middle,  sashed  to  the  chin,  collared  to  the  ears,  whiskered 
to  the  teeth,  crowned  with  an  overshadowing  cocked  hat, 
and  girded  with  a leathern  belt  ten  inches  broad,  from 
which  trailed  a falchion  of  a length  that  I dare  nor  men- 
tion. Thus  equipped,  he  strutted  about,  as  bitter-looking 
a man  of  war  as  the  far-famed  More  of  Morehall  when  he 
sallied  forth  to  slay  the  Dragon  of  Wantley.  For  what 
says  the  ballad? 

“Had  you  but  seen  him  in  this  dress, 

How  fierce  be  looked  and  bow  big, 

You  would  bave  tbougbt  bim  for  to  be 
Some  Egyptian  porcupig. 

He  frighted  all — cats,  dogs  and  all, 

Each  cow,  each  borse,  and  eacb  bog; 

For  fear  they  did  flee,  for  they  took  bim  to  be 
Some  strange  outlandish  hedgehog/’* 

I must  confess  this  general,  with  all  his  outward  valor 


*Ballad  of  Dragon  of  Wantley. 


214 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


and  ventosity,  was  not  exactly  an  officer  to  Peter  Stuyve- 
sant's  taste  but  he  stood  foremost  in  the  army  list  of  Will- 
iam the  Testy,  and  it  is  probable  the  good  Peter,  who  was 
conscientious  in  his  dealings  with  all  men,  and  had  his 
military  notions  of  precedence,  thought  it  but  fair  to  give 
him  a chance  of  proving  his  right  to  his  dignities. 

To  this  copper  captain,  therefore,  was  confided  the  com- 
mand of  the  troops  destined  to  protect  the  southern  fron- 
tier; and  scarce  had  he  departed  for  his  station  than  bul- 
letins began  to  arrive  from  him  describing  his  undaunted 
march  through  savage  deserts,  over  insurmountable  moun- 
tains, across  impassable  rivers,  and  through  impenetrable 
forests,  conquering  vast  tracts  of  uninhabited  country,  and 
encountering  more  perils  than  did  Xenophon  in  his  far- 
famed  retreat  with  his  ten  thousand  Grecians. 

Peter  Stuyvesant  read  all  these  grandiloquent  dispatches 
with  a dubious  screwing  of  the  mouth  and  shaking  of  the 
head;  but  Antony  Van  Corlear  repeated  these  contents  in 
the  streets  and  market-places  with  an  appropriate  flourish 
upon  his  trumpet,  and  the  windy  victories  of  the  general 
resounded  through  the  streets  of  New  Amsterdam. 

On  arriving  at  the  southern  frontier.  Van  Poffenburgh 
proceeded  to  erect  a fortress  or  stronghold  on  the  south  or 
Delaware  River.  At  first  he  bethought  him  to  call  it  Fort 
Stuyvesant,  in  honor  of  the  governor,  a lowly  kind  of  hom- 
age prevalent  in  our  country  among  speculators,  military 
commanders,  and  office-seekers  of  all  kinds,  by  which  our 
maps  come  to  be  studded  with  the  names  of  political  pat- 
rons and  temporary  great  men;  in  the  present  instance 
Van  Poffenburgh  carried  his  homage  to  the  most  lowly 
degree,  giving  his  fortress  the  name  of  Fort  Casimir,  in 
honor,  it  is  said,  of  a favorite  pair  of  brimstone  trunk 
breeches  of  His  Excellency. 

As  this  fort  will  be  found  to  give  rise  to  important  events, 
it  may  be  worth  while  to  notice  that  it  was  afterward 
called  Nieuw  Amstel,  and  was  the  germ  of  the  present 
flourishing  town  of  New  Castle,  or,  more  properly  speak- 
ing, No  Castle,  there  being  nothing  of  the  kind  on  the 
premises. 

His  fortress  being  finished,  it  would  have  done  any  man's 
heart  good  to  behold  the  swelling  dignity  with  which  the 
general  would  stride  in  and  out  a dozen  times  a day,  sur- 
veying it  in  front  and  in  rear,  on  this  side  and  oil  that; 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


215 


how  he  would  strut  backward  and  forward,  in  full  regi- 
mentals, on  the  top  of  the  ramparts,  like  a vainglorious 
cock-pigeon  swelling  and  vaporing  on  the  top  of  a dove- 
cote. 

There  is  a kind  of  valorous  spleen  which,  like  wind,  is 
apt  to  grow  unruly  in  the  stomachs  of  newly-made  soldiers, 
compelling  them  to  box-lobby  brawls  and  broken-headed 
quarrels  unless  there  can  be  found  some  more  harmless  way 
to  give  it  vent.  It  is  recorded  in  the  delectable  romance 
of  Pierce  Forest  that  a young  knight,  being  dubbed  by 
King  Alexander,  did  incontinently  gallop  into  an  adjacent 
forest  and  belabor  the  trees  with  such  might  and  main 
that  he  not  merely  eased  off  the  sudden  effervescence  of  his 
valor,  but  convinced  the  whole  court  that  he  was  the  most 
potent  and  courageous  cavalier  on  the  face  of  the  earth. 
In  like  manner  the  commander  of  Fort  Oasimir,  when  he 
found  his  martial  spirit  waxing  too  hot  within  him,  would 
sally  forth  into  the  fields  and  lay  about  him  most  lustily 
with  his  saber,  decapitating  cabbages  by  platoons,  hewing 
down  lofty  sunflowers,  which  be  termed  gigantic  Swedes, 
and  if,  perchance,  he  espied  a colony  of  big-bellied  pump- 
kins quietly  basking  in  the  sun,  “Ah!  caitiff  Yankees!” 
would  he  roar,  “have  I caught  ye  at  last?”  So  saying, 
with  one  sweep  of  his  sword  he  would  cleave  the  unhappy 
vegetables  from  their  chins  to  their  waistbands;  by  which 
warlike  havoc,  his  choler  being  in  some  sort  allayed,  he 
would  return  into  the  fortress  with  the  full  conviction  that 
he  was  a very  miracle  of  military  prowess. 

He  was  a disciplinarian,  too,  of  the  first  order.  Woe  to 
any  unlucky  soldier  who  did  not  hold  up  his  head  and 
turn  out  his  toes  when  on  parade,  or  who  did  not  salute  the 
general  in  proper  style  as  he  passed!  Having  one  day,  in 
his  Bible  researches,  encountered  the  history  of  Absalom 
and  his  melancholy  end,  the  general  bethought  him  that 
in  a country  abounding  with  forests  his  soldiers  were  in 
constant  risk  of  a like  catastrophe;  he  therefore,  in  an  evil 
hour,  issued  orders  for  cropping  the  hair  of  both  officers 
and  men  throughout  the  garrison. 

Now,  so  it  happened  that  among  his  officers  was  a sturdy 
veteran  named  Keldermeester,  who  had  cherished,  through 
a long  life,  a mop  of  hair  not  a little  resembling  the  shag 
of  a Newfoundland  dog,  terminating  in  a queue  like  the 
handle  of  a frying-pan,  and  queued  so  tightly  to  his  head 


216 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


that  his  eyes  and  mouth  generally  stood  ajar  and  his  eye- 
brows were  drawn  up  to  the  top  of  his  forehead.  It  may 
naturally  be  supposed  that  the  possessor  of  so  goodly  an 
appendage  would  resist  with  abhorrence  an  order  condemn- 
ing it  to  the  shears.  On  hearing  the  general's  orders  he  dis- 
charged a tempest  of  veteran,  soldier-like  oaths  and  dun- 
der  and  blixums,  swore  he  would  break  any  man's  head 
who  attempted  to  meddle  with  his  tail,  queued  it  stiffer 
than  ever,  and  whisked  it  about  the  garrison  as  fiercely  as 
the  tail  of  a crocodile. 

The  eelskin  queue  of  old  Keldermeester  became  instantly 
an  affair  of  the  utmost  importance.  The  commander-in- 
chief  was  too  enlightened  an  officer  not  to  perceive  that  the 
discipline  of  the  garrison,  the  subordination  and  good  order 
of  the  armies  of  the  Nieuw  Nederlandts,  the  consequent 
safety  of  the  whole  province,  and  ultimately  the  dignity 
and  prosperity  of  their  High  Mightinesses  the  Lords  States 
General,  imperiously  demanded  the  docking  of  that  stub- 
born queue.  He  decreed,  therefore,  that  old  Keldermees- 
ter should  be  publicly  shorn  of  his  glories  in  presence  of 
the  whole  garrison:  the  old  man  as  resolutely  stood  on  the 
defensive,  whereupon  he  was  arrested  &nd  tried  by  a court- 
martial  for  mutiny,  desertion,  and  all  the  other  list  of  of- 
fenses noticed  in  the  articles  of  war,  ending  with  a “vide- 
licet, in  wearing  an  eelskin  queue,  three  feet  long  contrary 
to  orders."  Then  came  on  arraignments,  and  trials,  and 
pleadings,  and  the  whole  garrison  was  in  a ferment  about 
this  unfortunate  queue.  As  it  is  well  known  that  the  com- 
mander of  a frontier  post  has  the  power  of  acting  pretty 
much  after  his  own  will,  there  is  little  doubt  but  that  the 
veteran  would  have  been  hanged  or  shot  at  least,  had  he 
not  luckily  fallen  ill  of  a fever  through  mere  chagrin  and 
mortification,  and  deserted  from  all  earthly  command, 
with  his  beloved  locks  unviolated.  His  obstinacy  remained 
unshaken  to  the  very  last  moment,  when  he  directed  that 
he  should  be  carried  to  his  grave  with  his  eelskin  queue 
sticking  out  of  a hole  in  his  coffin. 

This  magnanimous  affair  obtained  the  general  great 
credit  as  a disciplinarian;  but  it  is  hinted  that  he  was  ever 
afterward  subject  to  bad  dreams  and  fearful  visitations  in 
the  night,  when  the  grizzly  spectrutn  of  old  Keldermeester 
would  stand  sentinel  by  his  bed  side,  erect  as  a pump,  his 
enormous  queue  strutting  out  like  the  handle, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


217 


• BOOK  VI. 

CONTAINING  THE  SECOND  PART  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  PETER 
THE  HEADSTRONG,  AND  HIS  GALLANT  ACHIEVEMENTS 
ON  THE  DELAWARE. 


CHAPER  I. 

IN  WHICH  IS  EXHIBITED  A WARLIKE  PORTRAIT  OF  THE 
GREAT  PETER — OF  THE  WINDY  CONTEST  OF  GENERAL 
VAN  POFFEINBURGH  AND  GENERAL  PRINTZ,  AND  OF  THE 
MOSQUITO  WAR  ON  THE  DELEWARE. 

Hitherto,  most  venerable  and  courteous  reader,  have 
I shown  thee  the  administration  of  the  valorous  Stuyvesant 
under  the  mild  moonshine  of  peace,  or  rather  the  grim 
tranquility  of  awful  expectation;  but  now  the  war-drum 
rumbles  from  afar,  the  brazen  trumpet  brays  its  thrilling 
note,  and  the  rude  clash  of  hostile  arms  speaks  fearful 
prophecies  of  coming  troubles.  The  gallant  warrior  starts 
from  soft  repose,  from  golden  visions,  and  voluptuous  ease, 
where  in  the  dulcet,  “piping  time  of  peace"  he  sought 
sweet  solace  after  all  his  toils.  No  more,  in  beauty’s  siren 
lap  reclined,  he  weaves  fair  garlands  for  his  lady’s  brows; 
no  more  entwines  with  flowers  his  shining  sword,  nor 
through  the  livelong  lazy  summer’s  day  chants  forth  his 
lovesick  soul  in  madrigals.  To  manhood  roused, .he  spurns 
the  amorous  flute;  doffs  from  his  brawny  back  the  robe  of 
peace  and  clothes  his  pampered  limbs  in  panoply  of  steel. 
O’er  his  dark  brow,  where  late  the  myrtle  waved,  where 
wanton  roses  breathed  enervate  love,  he  rears  the  beaming 
casque  and  nodding  plume;  grasps  the  bright  shield  and 
shakes  the  ponderous  lance,  or  mounts  with  eager  pride 
his  fiery  steed  and  burns  for  deeds  of  glorious  chivalry  ! 
But  soft,  worthy  reader  ! I would  not  have  you  imagine 


218 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


that  any  preux  chevalier , thus  hideously  begirt  with  iron, 
existed  in  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam.  This  is  but  a lofty 
and  gigantic  mode  in  which  we  heroic  writers  always  talk 
of  war,  thereby  to  give  it  a noble  and  imposing  aspect, 
equipping  our  warriors  with  bucklers,  helms,  and  lances, 
and  such-like  outlandish  and  obsolete  weapons,  the  like  of 
which  perchance  they  had  never  seen  or  heard  of ; in  the 
same  manner  that  a cunning  statuary  arrays  a modern 
general  or  an  admiral  in  the  accouterments  of  a Caesar  or 
an  Alexander.  The  simple  truth,  then  of  all  this  oratori- 
cal flourish  is  this,  that  the  valiant  Peter  Stuyvesant  all  of 
a sudden  found  it  necessary  to  scour  his  rusty  blade,  which 
too  long  had  rusted  in  its  scabbard,  and  prepare  himself  to 
undergo  those  hardy  toils  of  war  in  which  his  mighty  soul 
so  much  delighted. 

Methinks  I at  this  moment  behold  him  in  my  imagina- 
tion— or  rather,  I behold  his  goodly  portrait,  which  still 
hangs  up  in  the  family  mansion  of  the  Stuyvesants — ar- 
rayed in  all  the  terrors  of  a true  Dutch  general.  His 
regimental  coat  of  German  blue,  gorgeously  decorated 
with  a goodly  show  of  large  brass  buttons,  reaching  from 
his  waistband  to  his  chin : the  voluminous  skirts  turned  up 
at  the  corners  and  separating  gallantly  behind,  so  as  to  dis- 
play the  seat  of  a sumptuous  pair  of  brimstone-colored 
trunk-breeches — a graceful  style  still  prevalent  among  the 
warriors  of  our  day,  and  which  is  in  conformity  to  the  cus- 
tom of  ancient  heroes,  who  scorned  to  defend  themselves  in 
rear ; his  face  rendered  exceeding  terrible  and  warlike  by 
a pair  of  black  mustachios  ; his  hair  strutting  out  on  each 
side  in  stiffly-pomatumed  ear-locks,  and  descending  in  a rat- 
tail  queue  below  his  waist;  a shining  stock  of  black  leather 
supporting  his  chin,  and  a little  but  fierce  cocked  hat  stuck 
with  a gallant  and  fiery  air  over  his  left  eye.  Such  was  the 
chivalric  port  of  Peter  the  Headstrong  ; and  when  he  made 
a sudden  halt,  planted  himself  firmly  on  his  solid  supporter, 
with  his  wooden  leg  inlaid  with  silver  a little  in  advance  in 
order  to  strengthen  his  position,  his  right  hand  grasping  a 
gold-headed  cane,  his  left  resting  upon  the  pommel  of  his 
sword,  his  head  dressing  spiritedly  to  the  right,  with  a most 
appalling  and  hard-favored  frown  upon  his  brow — he  pre- 
sented altogether  one  of  the  most  commanding,  bitter  look- 
ing, and  soldier-like  figures  that  ever  strutted  upon  canvas. 
Proceed  we  now  to  inquire  the  cause  of  this  warlike 
preparation. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


219 


In  the  preceding  chapter  we  have  spoken  of  the  founding 
of  Fort  Casimir,  and  of  the  merciless  warfare  waged  by  its 
commander  upon  cabbages,  sunflowers,  and  pumpkins  for 
want  of  better  occasion  to  flesh  his  sword  ! Now,  it  came 
to  pass  that  higher  up  the  Delaware,  at  his  stronghold  of 
Tinnekonk,  resided  one  Jan  Printz,  who  styled  himself  gov- 
ernor of  New  Sweden.  If  history  belie  not  this  redoubt- 
able Swede,  he  was  a rival  worthy  of  the  windy  and  inflated 
commander  of  Fort  Casimir,  for  Master  David  Pieterzen 
de  Vrie,  in  his  excellent  book  of  voyages,  describes  him  as 
“ weighing  upward  of  four  hundred  pounds,”  a huge 
feeder  and  bowser  in  proportion,  taking  three  potations 
pottle-deep  at  every  meal.  He  had  a garrison  after  his 
own  heart  at  Tinnekonk,  guzzling,  deep  drinking  swash- 
bucklers, who  made  the  wild  woods  ring  with  their 
carousals. 

No  sooner  did  this  robustious  commander  hear  of  the 
erection  of  Fort  Casimir  than  he  sent  a message  to  Van 
Poffenburgh,  warning  him  off  the  land  as  being  within  the 
bounds  of  his  jurisdiction. 

To  this  General  Van  Poffenburgh  replied  that  the  land 
belonged  to  their  High  Mightinesses,  having  been  regularly 
purchased  of  the  natives  as  discoverers  from  the  Manhat- 
toes,  as  witness  the  breeches  of  their  land  measurer,  Ten 
Broeck. 

To  this  the  governor  rejoined  that  the  land  had  pre- 
viously been  sold  by  the  Indians  to  the  Swedes,  and  conse- 
quently was  under  the  petticoat  government  of  her  Swedish 
majesty,  Christina;  and  woe  be  to  any  mortal  that  wore 
breeches  who  should  dare  to  meddle  even  with  the  hem  of 
her  sacred  garment. 

I forbear  to  dilate  upon  the  war  of  words  which  was 
kept  up  for  some  time  by  these  windy  commanders;  Van 
Poffenburgh,  however,  had  served  under  William  the  Testy, 
and  was  a veteran  in  this  kind  of  warfare.  Gov- 
ernor Printz,  finding  he  was  not  to  be  dislodged  by  these 
long  shots,  now  determined  upon  coming  to  closer  quarters. 
Accordingly,  he  descended  the  river  in  great  force  and 
fume,  and  erected  a rival  fortress  just  one  Swedish  mile 
below  Fort  Casimir,  to  which  he  gave  the  name  of  Ilel- 
senburg. 

And  now  commenced  a tremendous  rivalry  between  these 
two  doughty  commanders,  striving  to  outstrutand  outswell 


220 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


each  other  like  a couple  of  belligerent  turkeycocks.  There 
was  a contest  who  should  run  up  the  tallest  flagstaff  and 
display  the  broadest  flag:  all  day  long  there  was  a furious 
rolling  of  drums  and  twanging  of  trumpets  on  either  for- 
tress, and  whichever  had  the  wind  in  its  favor  would  keep 
up  a continual  firing  of  cannon  to  taunt  its  antagonist  with 
the  smell  of  gunpowder. 

On  all  these  points  of  windy  warfare  the  antagonists  were 
well  matched;  but  so  it  happened  that  the  Swedish  fortress 
being  lower  down  the  river,  all  the  Dutch  vessels  bound  to 
Fort  Casimir  with  supplies  had  to  pass  it.  Governor 
Printz  at  once  took  advantage  of  this  circumstance,  and 
compelled  them  to  lower  their  flags  as  they  passed  under 
the  guns  of  his  battery. 

This  was  a deadly  wound  to  the  Dutch  pride  of  General 
Van  Poffenburgh,  and  sorely  would  he  swell  when  from  the 
ramparts  of  Fort  Casimir  he  beheld  the  flag  of  their  High 
Mightinesses  struck  to  the  rival  fortress.  To  heighten  his 
vexation,  Governor  Printz,  who,  as  has  been  shown,  was 
a huge  trencherman,  took  the  liberty  of  having  the  first 
rummage  of  every  Dutch  merchant-ship,  and  securing  to 
himself  and  his  guzzling  garrison  all  the  little  round  Dutch 
cheeses,  all  the  Dutch  herrings,  the  gingerbread,  the  sweet- 
meats, the  curious  stone  jugs  of  gin,  and  all  the  other 
Dutch  luxuries  on  their  way  for  the  solace  of  Fort  Casimir. 
It  is  possible  he  may  have  paid  to  the  Dutch  skippers  the 
full  value  of  their  commodities,  but  what  consolation  was 
this  to  Jacobus  Van  Poffenburgh  and  his  garrison,  who 
thus  found  their  favorite  supplies  cut  off  and  diverted  into 
the  larders  of  the  hostile  camp?  For  some  time  this  war 
of  the  cupboard  was  carried  on  to  the  great  festivity  and 
jollification  of  the  Swedes,  while  the  warriors  of  Fort 
Casimir  found  their  hearts,  or  rather  their  stomachs,  daily 
failing  them.  At  length  the  summer  heats  and  summer 
showers  set  in,  and  now,  lo  and  behold,  a great  mira- 
cle was  wrought  for  the  relief  of  the  Nederlandters  not 
a little  resembling  one  of  the  plagues  of  Egypt;  for  it 
came  to  pass  that  a great  cloud  of  mosquitoes  arose  out  of 
the  marshy  borders  of  the  river  and  settled  upon  the 
fortress  of  Helsenburg,  being  doubtless  attracted  by  the 
scent  of  the  fresh  blood  of  these  Swedish  gormandizers. 
Nay,  it  is  said  that  the  body  of  Jan  Printz  alone,  which 
was  as  big  and  as  full  of  blood  as  that  of  a prize  ox,  was 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


221 


sufficient  to  attract  the  mosquitoes  from  every  part  of  the 
country.  For  some  time  the  garrison  endeavored  to  hold 
out,  but  it  was  all  in  vain;  the  mosquitoes  penetrated  into 
every  chink  and  crevice  and  gave  them  no  rest  day  nor 
night;  and  as  to  Governor  Jan  Printz,  he  moved  about  as 
in  a cloud,  with  mosquito  music  in  his  ears  and  mosquito 
stings  to  the  very  end  of  his  nose.  Finally  the  garrison 
was  fairly  driven  out  of  the  fortress  and  obliged  to  retreat 
to  Tinnekonk;  nay,  it  is  said  that  the  mosquitoes  followed 
Jan  Printz  even  thither,  and  absolutely  drove  him  out  of 
the  country;  certain  it  is,  he  embarked  for  Sweden  shortly 
afterward,  and  Jan  Claudius  Kisingh  was  sent  to  govern 
New  Sweden  in  his  stead. 

Such  was  the  famous  mosquito  war  on  the  Delaware,  of 
which  General  Van  Poffenburgh  would  fain  have  been  the 
hero;  but  the  devout  people  of  the  Nieuw  Nederlandts 
always  ascribed  the  discomfiture  of  the  Swedes  to  the  mi- 
raculous intervention  of  St.  Nicholas.  As  to  the  fortress 
of  Helsenburg,  it  fell  to  ruin,  but  the  story  of  its  strange 
destruction  was  perpetuated  by  the  Swedish  name  of  Myg- 
gen-borg — that  is  to  say,  Mosquito  Castle.  * 


* Acrelius’  History  N.  Sweden.  For  some  notice  of  tliis  mirac- 
ulous discomfiture  of  the  Swedes,  see  N.  Y.  Hist.  Col.,  new  series, 
vol.  1,  p.  412. 


222 


HISTORY  OF  FEW  YORK 


CHAPTER  II. 

OF  JAN  RISINGH,  HIS  GIANTLY  PERSON  AND  CRAFTY 

DEEDS;  AND  OF  THE  CATASTROPHE  AT  FORT  CASIMIR. 

Jan  Claudius  Risingh  who  succeeded  to  the  command 
of  New  Sweden,  looms  largely  in  ancients  records  as  a gi- 
gantic Swede,  who,  had  he  not  been  rather  knock-kneed 
and  splay-footed,  might  have  served  for  the  model  of  a 
Samson  or  a Hercules.  He  was  no  less  rapacious  than 
mighty,  and  withal  as  crafty  as  he  was  rapacious,  so  that 
there  is  very  little  doubt  that  had  he  lived  some  four  or  five 
centuries  since  he  would  have  figured  as  one  of  those 
wicked  giants  who  took  a cruel  pleasure  in  pocketing  beau- 
tiful princesses  and  distressed  damsels  when  gadding  about 
the  world,  and  locking  them  up  in  enchanted  castles  with- 
out a toilet,  a change  of  linen,  or  any  other  convenience; 
in  consequence  of  which  enormities  they  fell  under  the 
high  displeasure  of  chivalry,  and  all  true,  loyal,  and  gal- 
lant knights  were  instructed  to  attack  and  slay  outright 
any  miscreant  they  might  happen  to  find  above  six  feet 
high;  which  is  doubtless  one  reason  why  the  race  of  large 
men  is  nearly  extinct,  and  the  generations  of  latter  ages 
are  so  exceedingly  small. 

Governor  Risingh,  notwithstanding  his  giantly  condition 
was,  as  I have  hinted,  a man  of  craft.  He  was  not  a man 
to  ruffle  the  vanity  of  General  Van  Poffenburgh  or  to  rub 
his  self-conceit  against  the  grain.  On  the  contrary,  as  he 
sailed  up  the  Delaware  he  paused  before  Fort  Casimir,  dis- 
played his  flag,  and  fired  a royal  salute  before  dropping 
anchor.  The  salute  would  doubtless  have  been  returned 
had  not  the  guns  been  dismounted;  as  it  was,  a veteran 
sentinel  who  had  been  napping  at  his  post,  and  had  suf- 
fered his  match  to  go  out,  returned  the  compliment  by  dis- 
charging his  musket  with  the  spark  of  a pipe  borrowed 
from  a comrade.  Governor  Risingh  accepted  this  as  a 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


223 


courteous  reply,  and  treated  the  fortress  to  a second  salute 
well  knowing  its  commander  was  apt  to  be  marvelously 
delighted  with  these  little  ceremonials,  considering  them 
so  many  acts  of  homage  paid  to  his  greatness.  He  then 
prepared  to  land  with  a military  retinue  of  thirty  men,  a 
prodigious  pageant  in  the  wilderness. 

And  now  took  place  a terrible  rummage  and  racket  in 
Fort  Casimir  to  receive  such  a visitor  in  proper  style,  and 
to  make  an  imposing  appearance.  The  main  guard  was 
turned  out  as  soon  as  possible,  equipped  to  the  best  advan- 
tage in  the  few  suits  of  regimentals  which  had  to  do  duty 
by  turns  with  the  whole  garrison.  One  tall,  lank  fellow 
appeared  in  a little  man’s  coat,  with  the  buttons  between 
his  shoulders,  the  skirts  scarce  covering  his  bottom,  his 
hands  hanging  like  spades  out  of  the  sleeves,  and  the  coat 
linked  in  front  by  worsted  loops  made  out  of  a pair  of  red 
garters.  Another  had  a cocked  hat  stuck  on  the  back  of 
his  head  and  decorated  with  a bunch  of  cocks’-tails;  a third 
had  a pair  of  rusty  gaiters  hanging  about  his  heels;  while 
a fourth,  a little  duck-legged  fellow,  was  equipped  in  a pair 
of  the  general’s  cast-off  breeches,  which  he  held  up  with 
one  hand  while  he  grasped  his  firelock  with  the  other. 
The  rest  were  accoutred  in  similar  style,  excepting  three 
ragamuffins  without  shirts  and  with  but  a pair  and  a half 
of  breeches  between  them;  wherefore  they  were  sent  to  the 
black  hole  to  keep  them  out  of  sight,  that  they  might  not 
disgrace  the  fortress. 

His  men  being  thus  gallantly  arrayed — those  who  lacked 
muskets  shouldering  spades  and  pickaxes,  and  every  man 
being  ordered  to  tuck  in  his  shirt-tail  and  pull  up  his 
brogues — General  Van  Poffenburgh  first  took  a sturdy 
draught  of  foaming  ale,  which,  like  the  magnanimous 
More  of  Morehall,*  was  his  invariable  practice  on  all  great 
occasions;  this  done,  he  put  himself  at  their  head  and 
issued  forth  from  his  castle,  like  a mighty  giant  just  re- 
freshed with  wine.  But  when  the  two  heroes  met, 
then  began  a scene  of  warlike  parade  that  beggars  all  de- 
scription. The  shrewd  Bisingh,  who  had  grown  gray  much 

* “ as  soon  as  he  rose, 

To  make  him  strong  and  mighty, 

He  drank  by  the  tale  six  pots  of  ale, 

And  a quart  of  aqua  vitae.” 

Dragon  of  Wantley , 


224 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


before  his  time  in  consequence  of  his  craftiness,  saw  at  one 
glance  the  ruling  passion  of  the  great  Van  Poffeuburgh, 
and  humored  him  in  all  his  valorous  fantasies. 

Their  detachments  were  accordingly  drawn  up  in  front 
of  each  other;  they  carried  arms  and  they  presented  arms; 
they  gave  the  standing  salute  and  the  passing  salute;  they 
rolled  their  drums,  they  flourished  their  fifes,  and  they 
waved  their  colors;  they  faced  to  the  left  and  they  faced  to 
the  right,  and  they  faced  to  the  right  about;  they  wheeled 
forward,  and  they  wheeled  backward,  and  they  wheeled 
into  echelon ; they  marched  and  they  countermarched,  by 
grand  divisions,  by  single  divisions,  and  by  subdivisions,  by 
platoons,  by  sections,  and  by  files;  in  quick  time,  in  slow 
time,  and  in  no  time  at  all;  for,  having  gone  through  all  the 
evolutions  of  two  great  armies,  including  the  eighteen 
manoeuvres  of  Dundas,  having  exhausted  all  that  they 
could  recollect  or  imagine  of  military  tactics,  including 
sundry  strange  and  irregular  evolutions  the  like  of  which 
were  never  seen  before  nor  since  excepting  among  certain 
of  our  newly-raised  militia,  the  two  commanders  and  their 
respective  troops  came  at  length  to  a dead  halt,  completely 
exhausted  by  the  toils  of  war.  Never  did  two  valiant 
train-band  captains  or  two  buskined  theatric  heroes  in  the 
renowned  tragedies  of  Pizarro,  Tom  Thumb,  or  any  other 
heroical  and  fighting  tragedy  marshal  their  gallows-looking, 
duck-legged,  heavy-heeled  myrmidons  with  more  glory 
and  self-admiration. 

These  military  compliments  being  finished,  General  Van 
Poffenburgh  escorted  his  illustrious  visitor,  with  great  cere- 
mony, into  the  fort,  attended  him  throughout  the  fortifi- 
cations, showed  him  the  horn-works,  crown-works,  half- 
moons, and  various  other  outworks,  or  rather  the  places 
where  they  ought  to  be  erected,  and  where  they  might  be 
erected  if  he  pleased,  plainly  demonstrating  that  it  was  a 
place  of  “great  capability,”  and  though  at  present  but  a 
little  redoubt,  yet  that  it  was  evidently  a formidable  fortress 
in  embryo.  This  survey  over,  he  next  had  the  whole  gar- 
rison put  under  arms,  exercised,  and  reviewed,  and  con- 
cluded by  ordering  the  three  bridewell  birds  to  be  hauled 
out  of  the  black  hole,  brought  up  to  the  halberds,  and 
soundly  flogged,  for  the  amusement  of  his  visitor  and  to 
convince  him  that  he  was  a great  disciplinarian. 

The  cunning  Risingh,  while  he  pretended  to  be  struck 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


225 


dumb  outright  with  the  puissance  of  the  great  Van  Poffen- 
burgh,  took  silent  note  of  the  incompetency  of  his  garrison, 
of  which  he  gave  a wink  to  his  trusty  followers,  who  tipped 
each  other  the  wink  and  laughed  most  obstreperously— in 
their  sleeves. 

The  inspection,  review,  and  flogging  being  concluded, 
the  party  adjourned  to  the  table;  for  among  his  other 
great  qualities  the  general  was  remarkably  addicted  to 
huge  carousals,  and  in  one  afternoon’s  campaign  would 
leave  more  dead  men  on  the  field  than  he  ever  did  in  the 
whole  course  of  his  military  career.  Many  bulletins  of 
these  bloodless  victories  do  still  remain  on  record,  and  the 
whole  province  was  once  thrown  in  amaze  by  the  return  of 
one  of  his  campaigns,  wherein  it  was  stated  that  though, 
like  Captain  Bobadil,  he  had  only  twenty  men  to  back 
him,  yet  in  the  short  space  of  six  months  he  had  conquered 
and  utterly  annihilated  sixty  oxen,  ninety  hogs,  one  hun- 
dred sheep,  ten  thousand  cabbages,  one  thousand  bushels 
of  potatoes,  one  hundred  and  fifty  kilderkins  of  small 
beer,  two  thousand  seven  hundred  and  thirty-five  pipes, 
seventy-eight  pounds  of  sugar-plums,  and  forty  bars  of 
iron,  besides  sundry  small  meats,  game,  poultry,  and  gar- 
den-stuff— an  achievement  unparalleled  since  the  days  of 
Pantagruel  and  his  all-devouring  army,  and  which 
showed  that  it  was.only  necessary  to  let  Van  Poffenburgh 
and  his  garrison  loose  in  an  enemy’s  country,  and  in  a 
little  while  they  would  breed  a famine  and  starve  all  the  in- 
habitants. 

No  sooner,  therefore,  had  the  general  received  intima- 
tion of  the  visit  of  Governor  Risingh  than  he  ordered  a 
great  dinner  to  be  prepared,  and  privately  sent  out  a de- 
tachment of  his  most  experienced  veterans  to  rob  all  the 
hen-roosts  in  the  neighborhood  and  lay  the  pig-sties  under 
contribution — a service  which  they  discharged  with  such 
zeal  and  promptitude  that  the  garrison  table  groaned  under 
the  weight  of  their  spoils. 

I wish,  with  all  my  heart,  my  readers  could  see  the  val- 
iant Van  Poffenburgh  as  he  presided  at  the  head  of  the 
banquet  ; it  was  a sight  worth  beholding.  There  he  sat, 
in  his  greatest  glory,  surrounded  by  his  soldiers,  like  that 
famous  wine-bibber,  Alexander,  whose  thirsty  virtues  he 
did  most  ably  imitate — telling  astounding  stories  of  his 
hair-breadth  adventures  and  heroic  exploits ; at  which, 


226 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


though  all  his  auditors  knew  them  to  be  incontinent  lies 
and  outrageous  gasconadoes,  yet  did  they  cast  up  their 
eyes  in  admiration  and  utter  many  interjections  of  aston- 
ishment. Nor  could  the  general  pronounce  anything  that 
bore  the  remotest  resemblance  to  a joke  but  the  stout 
Risingh  would  strike  his  brawny  fist  upon  the  table  till 
every  glass  rattled  again,  throw  himself  back  in  the  chair, 
utter  gigantic  peals  of  laughter,  and  swear  most  horribly 
it  was  the  best  joke  he  ever  heard  in  his  life.  Thus  all 
was  rout  and  revelry  and  hideous  carousal  within  Fort 
Casimir,  and  so  lustily  did  Van  Poffenburgh  ply  the  bottle 
that  in  less  than  four  short  hours  he  made  himself  and  his 
whole  garrison,  who  all  sedulously  emulated  the  deeds  of 
their  chieftain,  dead  drunk  with  singing  songs,  quaffing 
bumpers,  and  drinking  patriotic  toasts,  none  of  which  but 
was  as  long  as  a Welsh  pedigree  or  a plea  in  chancery. 

No  sooner  did  things  come  to  this  pass  than  Risingh  and 
his  Swedes,  who  had  cunningly  kept  themselves  sober,  rose 
on  their  entertainers,  tied  them  neck  and  heels,  and  took 
formal  possession  of  the  fort  and  all  its  dependencies  in  the 
name  of  Queen  Christina  of  Sweden,  administering  at  the 
same  time  an  oath  of  allegiance  to  all  the  Dutch  soldiers 
who  could  be  made  sober  enough  to  swallow  it.  Risingh 
then  put  the  fortifications  in  order,  appointed  his  discreet 
and  vigilant  friend  Suen  Schute,  otherwise  called  Skytte, 
a tall,  wind-dried,  water-drinking  Swede,  to  the  command, 
and  departed,  bearing  with  him  this  truly  amiable  garrison 
and  its  puissant  commander;  who,  when  brought  to  him- 
self by  a sound  drubbing,  bore  no  little  resemblance  to  a 
“ deboshed  fish  ” or  bloated  sea-monster  caught  upon  dry 
land. 

The  transportation  of  the  garrison  was  done  to  prevent 
the  transmission  of  intelligence  to  New  Amsterdam;  for, 
much  as  the  cunning  Risingh  exulted  in  his  stratagem,  yet 
did  he  dread  the  vengeance  of  the  sturdy  Peter  Stuyvesant, 
whose  name  spread  as  much  terror  in  the  neighborhood  as 
did  whilom  that  of  the  unconquerable  Scanderbeg  among 
the  scurvy  enemies  the  Turks. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  III. 

SHOWING  HOW  PROFOUND  SECRETS  ARE  OFTEN  BROUGHT 
TO  LIGHT;  WITH  THE  PROCEEDINGS  OF  PETER  THE 
HEADSTRONG  WHEN  HE  HEARD  OF  THE  MISFORTUNES 
OF  GENERAL  VAN  POFFENBURGH. 

Whoever  first  described  common  Fame  or  Rumor  as 
belonging  to  the  sager  sex  was  a very  owl  for  shrewdness. 
She  has,  in  truth,  certain  feminine  qualities  to  an  astonish- 
ing degree,  particularly  that  benevolent  anxiety  to  take 
care  of  the  affairs  of  others  which  keeps  her  continually 
hunting  after  secrets  and  gadding  about  proclaiming  them. 
Whatever  is  done  openly  and  in  the  face  of  the  world  she 
takes  but  transient  notice  of;  but  whenever  a transaction 
is  done  in  a corner  and  attempted  to  be  shrouded  in  mys- 
tery, then  her  goddess-ship  is  at  her  wit’s  end  to  find  it  out, 
and  takes  a most  mischievous  and  lady-like  pleasure  in  pub- 
lishing it  to  the  world. 

It  is  this  truly  feminine  propensity  which  induces  her 
continually  to  be  prying  into  the  cabinets  of  princes,  list- 
ening at  the  keyholes  of  senate-chambers,  and  peering 
through  chinks  and  crannies  when  our  worthy  Congress 
are  sitting  with  closed  doors  deliberating  between  a dozen 
excellent  modes  of  ruining  the  nation.  It  is  this  which 
makes  her  so  baneful  to  all  wary  statesmen  and  intriguing 
commanders — such  a stumbling-block  to  private  negotia- 
tions and  secret  expeditions,  betraying  them  by  means  and 
instruments  which  never  would  have  been  thought  of  by 
any  but  a female  head. 

Thus  it  was  in  the  case  of  the  affair  of  Fort  Casimir. 
No  doubt  the  cunning  Risingh  imagined  that  by  securing 
the  garrison  he  should  for  a long  time  prevent  the  history 
of  its  fate  from  reaching  the  ears  of  the  gallant  Stuyvesant; 
but  his  exploit  was  blown  to  the  world  when  he  least  ex- 
pected, and  by  one  of  the  last  beings  he  would  ever  have 


228 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


suspected,  of  enlisting  as  trumpeter  to  the  wide  mouthed 
deity. 

This  was  one  Dirk  Schuiler  (or  Skulker),  a kind  of 
hanger-on  to  the  garrison,  who  seemed  to  belong  to  nobody 
and  in  a manner  to  be  self-outlawed.  He  was  one  of  those 
vagabond  cosmopolites  who  shark  about  the  world  as  if  they 
had  no  right  or  business  in  it,  and  who  infest  the  skirts  of 
society  like  poachers  and  interlopers.  Every  garrison  and 
country  village  has  one  or  more  scapegoats  of  this  kind, 
whose  life  is  a kind  of  enigma,  whose  existence  is  without 
motive,  who  comes  from  the  Lord  knows  where,  who  lives 
the  Lord  knows  how,  and  who  seems  created  for  no  other 
earthly  purpose  but  to  keep  up  the  ancient  and  honorable 
order  of  idleness.  This  vagrant  philosopher  was  supposed 
to  have  some  Indian  blood  in  his  veins,  which  was  mani- 
fested by  a certain  Indian  complexion  and  cast  off  counte- 
nance, but  more  especially  by  his  propensities  and  habits. 
He  was  a tall,  lank  fellow,  swift  of  foot  and  long-winded. 
He  was  generally  equipped  in  a half  Indian-dress,  with  belt, 
leggings,  and  moccasins.  His  hair  hung  in  straight  gallows 
locks  about  his  ears,  and  added  not  a little  to  his  sharking 
demeanor.  It  is  an  old  remark  that  persons  of  Indian 
mixture  are  half  civilized,  half  savage,  and  half  devil — a 
third  half  being  provided  for  their  particular  convenience. 
It  is  for  similar  reasons,  and  probably  with  equal  truth, 
that  the  backwoodsmen  of  Kentucky  are  styled  half  man, 
half  horse,  and  half  alligator  by  the  settlers  on  the  Mis- 
sissippi, and  held  accordingly  in  great  respect  and  abhor- 
rence. 

The  above  character  may  have  presented  itself  to  the 
garrison  as  applicable  to  Dirk  Schuiler,  whom  they  famili- 
arly dubbed  Gallows  Dirk.  Certain  it  is,  he  acknowledged 
allegiance  to  no  one — was  an  utter  enemy  to  work,  holding 
it  in  no  manner  of  estimation,  but  lounging  about  the  fort 
depending  upon  chance  for  a subsistence,  getting  drunk 
whenever  he  could  get  liquor,  and  stealing  whatever  he 
could  lay  his  hands  on.  Every  day  or  two  he  was  sure  to 
get  a sound  rib-roasting  for  some  of  his  misdemeanors; 
which,  however,  as  it  broke  no  bones,  he  made  very  light 
of,  and  scrupled  not  to  repeat  the  offense  whenever  another 
opportunity  presented.  Sometimes,  in  consequence  of  some 
flagrant  villainy,  he  would  abscond  from  the  garrison  and 
be  absent  fox  a month  at  a time,  skulking  about  the  woods 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


229 


and  swamps  with  a long  fowling-piece  on  his  shoulder, 
lying  in  ambush  for  game,  or  squatting  himself  down  on 
the  edge  of  a pond  catching  fish  for  hours  together,  and 
bearing  no  little  resemblance  to  that  notable  bird  of  the 
crane  family  ycleped  the  mudpoke.  When  he  thought  his 
crimes  had  been  forgotten  or  forgiven  he  would  sneak  back 
to  the  fort  with  a bundle  of  skins  or  a load  of  poultry, 
which,  perchance,  he  had  stolen,  and  would  exchange  them 
for  liquor,  with  which  having  well  soaked  his  carcass,  he 
would  lie  in  the  sun  and  enjoy  all  the  luxurious  indolence 
of  that  swinish  philosopher  Diogenes.  He  was  the  terror 
of  all  the  farmyards  in  the  country,  into  which  he  made 
fearful  inroads;  and  sometimes  he  would  make  his  sudden 
appearance  in  the  garrison  at  daybreak  with  the  whole 
neighborhood  at  his  heels,  like  the  scoundrel  thief  of  a fox 
detected  in  his  maraudings  and  hunted  to  his  hole.  Such 
was  this  Dirk  Schuiler,  and  from  the  total  indifference  he 
showed  to  the  world  and  its  concerns,  and  from  his  truly 
Indian  stoicism  and  taciturnity,  no  one  would  ever  have 
dreamt  that  he  would  have  "been  the  publisher  of  the 
treachery  of  Risingh. 

When  the  carousal  was  going  on  which  proved  so  fatal 
to  the  brave  Poffenburgh  and  his  watchful  garrison,  Dirk 
skulked  about  from  room  to  room,  being  a kind  of  privi- 
leged vagrant  or  useless  hound  whom  nobody  noticed. 
But,  though  a fellow  of  few  words,  yet,  like  your  taciturn 
people,  his  eyes  and  ears  were  always  open,  and  in  the 
course  of  his  prowlings  he  overheard  the  whole  plot  of  the 
Swedes.  Dirk  immediately  settled  in  his  own  mind  how 
he  should  turn  the  matter  to  his  own  advantage.  He 
played  the  perfect  jack-of-both-sides — that  is  to  say,  he 
made  a prize  of  everything  that  came  in  his  reach,  robbed 
both  parties,  stuck  the  copper-bound  cocked  hat  of  the 
puissant  Van  Poffenburgh  on  his  head,  whipped  a huge 
pair  of  RisinglPs  jack-boots  under  his  arms,  and  took  to 
his  heels  just  before  the  catastrophe  and  confusion  at  the 
garrison. 

Finding  himself  completely  dislodged  from  his  haunt  in 
this  quarter,  he  directed  his  flight  toward  his  native 
place,  New  Amsterdam,  whence  he  had  formerly  been 
obliged  to  abscond  precipitately  in  consequence  of  misfort- 
une in  business;  that  is  to  say  having  been  detected  in 
the  act  of  sheep-stealing.  After  wandering  many  days  in 


230 


HIS  TO  BY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


the  woods,  toiling  through  swamps,  fording  brooks,  swim- 
ming various  rivers,  and  encountering  a world  of  hardships 
that  would  have  killed  any  other  being  but  an  Indian,  a 
backwoodsman,  or  the  devil,  he  at  length  arrived,  half- 
famished  and  lank  as  a starved  weasel,  at  Comm  unipaw, 
where  he  stole  a canoe  and  paddled  over  to  New  Amster- 
dam. Immediately  on  landing  he  repaired  to  Governor 
Stuyvesant,  and  in  more  words  than  he  had  ever  spoken 
before  in  the  whole  course  of  his  life  gave  an  account  of 
the  disastrous  affair. 

On  receiving  these  direful  tidings  the  valiant  Peter 
started  from  his  seat,  dashed  the  pipe  he  was  smoking 
against  the  back  of  the  chimney,  thrust  a prodigious  quid 
of  tobacco  into  his  left  cheek,  pulling  up  his  galligaskins, 
and  strode  up  and  down  the  room,  humming,  as  was  cus- 
tomary with  him  when  in  a passion,  a hideous  north-west 
ditty.  But,  as  I have  before  shown,  he  was  not  a man  to 
vent  his  spleen  in  idle  vaporing.  His  first  measure,  after 
the  paroxysm  of  wrath  had  subdued,  was  to  stump  up 
stairs  to  a huge  wooden  chest  which  served  as  his  armory, 
from  whence  he  drew  forth  that  identical  suit  of  regi- 
mentals described  in  the  preceding  chapter.  In  these  por- 
tentous habiliments  he  arrayed  himself,  like  Achilles  in 
the  armor  of  Vulcan,  maintaining  all  the  while  an  appall- 
ing silence,  knitting  his  brows,  and  drawing  his  breath 
through  his  clinched  teeth.  Being  hastily  equipped,  he 
strode  down  into  the  parlor  and  jerked  down  his  trusty 
sword  from  over  the  fireplace,  where  it  was  usually  sus- 
pended; but  before  he  girded  it  on  his  thigh  he  drew  it 
from  its  scabbard,  and  as  his  eye  coursed  along  the  rusty 
blade,  a grim  smile  stole  over  his  iron  visage:  it  was  the 
first  smile  that  had  visited  his  countenance  for  five  long 
weeks,  but  every  one  who  beheld  it  prophesied  that  there 
would  soon  be  warm  work  in  the  province. 

Thus  armed  at  all  points,  with  grisly  war  depicted  in 
each  feature,  his  very  cocked  hat  assuming  an  air  of  un- 
common defiance,  he  instantly  put  himself  upon  the  alert, 
and  dispatched  Antony  Van  Corlear  hither  and  thither, 
this  way  and  that  way,  through  all  the  muddy  streets  and 
crooked  lanes  of  the  city,  summoning  by  sound  of  trumpet 
his  trusty  peers  to  assemble  in  instant  council.  This  done, 
by  way  of  expediting  matters,  according  to  the  custom  of 
people  in  a hurry,  he  kept  in  continual  bustle,  shifting 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


231 


from  chair  to  chair,  popping  his  head  out  of  every  window, 
and  stumping  up  and  down  stairs  with  his  wooden  leg  in 
such  brisk  and  incessant  motion  that,  as  we  are  informed 
by  an  authentic  historian  of  the  times,  the  continual  clatter 
bore  no  small  resemblance  to  the  music  of  a cooper  hoop- 
ing a flour-barrel. 

A summons  so  peremptory  and  from  a man  of  the  gover- 
nor’s mettle  was  not  to  be  trifled  with:  the  sages  forthwith 
repaired  to  the  council-chamber,  seated  themselves  with  the 
utmost  tranquility,  and,  lighting  their  long  pipes,  gazed 
with  unruffled  composure  on  His  Excellency  and  his  regi- 
mentals, being,  as  all  counsellors  should  be,  not  easily  flus- 
tered nor  taken  by  surprise.  The  governor,  looking  around 
for  a moment  with  a lofty  and  soldier-like  air,  and  resting 
one  hand  on  the  pommel  of  his  sword  and  flinging  the 
other  forth  in  a free  and  spirited  manner,  addressed  them 
in  a short  but  soul-stirring  harangue. 

I am  extremely  sorry  that  I have  not  the  advantages  of 
Livy,  Thucydides,  Plutarch,  and  others  of  my  predecessors, 
who  were  furnished,  as  I am  told,  with  the  speeches  of  all 
tlieir  heroes,  taken  down  in  short-hand  by  the  most  accur- 
ate stenographers  of  the  time,  whereby  they  were  enabled 
wonderfully  to  enrich  their  histories  and  delight  their 
readers  with  sublime  strains  of  eloquence.  Not  having 
such  important  auxiliaries,  I cannot  possibly  pronounce 
what  was  the  tenor  of  Governor  Stuyvesant’s  speech.  I am 
bold,  however,  to  say,  from  the  tenor  of  his  character, 
that  he  did  not  wrap  his  rugged  subject  in  silks  and  ermines 
and  other  sickly  trickeries  of  phrase,  but  spoke  forth  like 
a man  of  nerve  and  vigor,  who  scorned  to  shrink  in  words 
from  those  dangers  which  he  stood  ready  to  encounter  in 
very  deed.  This  much  is  certain,  that  he  concluded  by 
announcing  his  determination  to  lead  on  his  troops  in 
person  and  rout  these  costard-monger  Swedes  from  their 
usurped  quarters  at  Fort  Casimir.  To  this  hardy  resolu- 
tion such  of  his  council  as  were  awake  gave  their  usual 
signal  of  concurrence;  and  as  to  the  rest,  who  had  fallen 
asleep  about  the  middle  of  the  harangue  (their  “usual 
custom  in  the  afternoon”),  they  made  not  the  least  objec- 
tion. 

And  now  was  seen  in  the  fair  city  of  New  Amsterdam 
a prodigious  bustle  and  preparation  for  iron  war.  Recruit- 
ing-parties marched  hither  and  thither,  calling  lustily  upon 


232 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


all  the  scrubs,  the  runagates,  and  tatterdemalions  of  the 
Manhattoes  and  its  vicinity,  who  had  any  ambition  of  six- 
pence a day  and  immortal  fame  into  the  bargain,  to  enlist 
in  the  cause  of  glory;  for  I would  have  you  note  that  your 
warlike  heroes  who  trudge  in  the  rear  of  conquerors  are 
generally  of  that  illustrious  class  of  gentlemen  who  are 
equal  candidates  for  the  army  or  the  bridewell,  the  hal- 
berds or  the  whipping-post — for  whom  Dame  Fortune  has 
cast  an  even  die  whether  they  shall  make  their  exit  by 
the  sword  or  the  halter,  and  whose  deaths  shall,  at  all 
events,  be  a lofty  example  to  their  countrymen. 

But,  notwithstanding  all  this  martial  rout  and  invita- 
tion, the  ranks  of  honor  were  but  scantily  supplied,  so 
averse  were  the  peaceful  burghers  of  Mew  Amsterdam 
from  enlisting  in  foreign  broils  or  stirring  beyond  that 
home  which  rounded  all  their  earthly  ideas.  Upon  be- 
holding this,  the  great  Peter,  whose  noble  heart  was  all  on 
fire  with  war  and  sweet  revenge,  determined  to  wait  no 
longer  for  the  tardy  assistance  of  these  oily  citizens,  but  to 
muster  up  his  merry  men  of  the  Hudson,  who,  brought  up 
among  woods  and  wilds  and  savage  beasts,  like  our  yeomen 
of  Kentucky,  delighted  in  nothing  so  much  as  desperate 
adventures  and  perilous  expeditions  through  the  wilder- 
ness. Thus  resolving,  he  ordered  his  trusty  squire  Antony 
Van  Corlear  to  have  his  state  galley  prepared  and  duly 
victualed;  which  being  performed,  he  attended  public 
service  at  the  great  church  of  St.  Nicholas,  like  a true 
and  pious  governor,  and  then,  leaving  peremptory  orders 
with  his  council  to  have  the  chivalry  of  the  Manhattoes 
marshaled  out  and  appointed  against  his  return,  departed 
upon  his  recruiting  voyage  up  the  waters  of  the  Hudson. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


233 


CHAPTER  IV. 

CONTAINING  PETER  STUYVESANT'S  VOYAGE  UP  THE  HUD- 
SON, AND  THE  WONDERS  AND  DELIGHTS  OE  THAT  RE- 
NOWNED RIVER. 

Now  did  the  soft  breezes  of  the  south  steal  sweetly  over 
the  face  of  nature,  tempering  the  panting  heats  of  summer 
into  genial  and  prolific  warmth,  when  that  miracle  of  hardi- 
hood and  chivalric  virtue,  the  dauntless  Peter  Stuyvesant, 
spread  his  canvas  to  the  wind  and  departed  from  the  fair 
island  of  Manna-hatta.  The  galley  in  which  he  embarked 
was  sumptuously  adorned  with  pendants  and  streamers  of 
gorgeous  dyes,  which  fluttered  gayly  in  the  wind  or  drooped 
their  ends  into  the  bosom  of  the  stream.  The  bow  and 
poop  of  this  majestic  vessel  were  gallantly  bedight,  after 
the  rarest  Dutch  fashion,  with  figures  of  little  pursy  Cupids 
with  periwigs  on  their  heads  and  bearing  in  their  hands 
gar!  /nds  of  flowers,  the  like  of  which  are  not  to  be  found 
in  any  book  of  botany,  being  the  matchless  flowers  which 
flourished  in  the  Golden  Age,  and  exist  no  longer,  unless  it 
be  in.  the  imaginations  of  ingenious  carvers  of  wood  and 
discolorers  of  canvas. 

Thus,  rarely  decorated  in  style  befitting  the  puissant 
potentate  of  the  Manhattoes,  did  the  galley  of  Peter 
Stuyvesant  launch  forth  upon  the  bosom  of  the  lordly 
Hudson,  which  as  it  rolled  its  broad  waves  to  the  ocean 
seemed  to  pause  for  a while  and  swell  with  pride,  as  if 
conscious  of  the  illustrious  burden  it  sustained. 

But  trust  me,  gentlefolk,  far  other  was  the  scene  pre- 
sented to  the  contemplation  of  the  crew  from  that  which 
may  be  witnessed  at  this  degenerate  day.  Wildness  and 
savage  majesty  reigned  on  the  borders  of  this  mighty  river; 
the  hand  of  cultivation  had  not  as  yet  laid  low  the  dark 
forest  and  tamed  the  features  of  the  landscape,  nor  had 
the  frequent  sail  of  commerce  broken  in  upon  the  profound 


234 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


and  awful  solitude  of  ages.  Here  and  there  might  be  seen 
a rude  wigwam  perched  among  the  cliffs  of  the  mountains, 
with  its  curling  column  of  smoke  mounting  in  the  trans- 
parent atmosphere,  but  so  loftily  situated  that  the  whoop- 
ings  of  the  savage  children,  gamboling  on  the  margin  of 
the  dizzy  heights,  fell  almost  as  faintly  on  the  ear  as  do  the 
notes  of  the  lark  when  lost  in  the  azure  vault  of  heaven. 
Now  and  then  from  the  beetling  brow  of  some  precipice 
the  wild  deer  would  look  timidly  down  upon  the  splendid 
pageant  as  it  passed  below,  and  then,  tossing  his  antlers  in 
the  air,  would  bound  away  into  the  thickets  of  the  forest. 

Through  such  scenes  did  the  stately  vessel  of  Peter 
Stuyvesant  pass.  Now  did  they  skirt  the  bases  of  the 
rocky  heights  of  Jersey,  which  spring  up  like  everlasting 
walls,  reaching  from  the  waves  unto  the  heavens,  and  were 
fashioned,  if  tradition  may  be  believed,  in  times  long  past 
by  the  mighty  spirit  Manetho  to  protect  his  favorite  abodes 
from  the  unhallowed  eyes  of  mortals.  Now  did  they  career 
it  gayly  across  the  vast  expanse  of  Tappan  Bay,  whose 
wide-extended  shores  present  a variety  of  delectable  scenery 
— here  the  bold  promontory,  crowned  with  embowering 
trees,  advancing  into  the  bay;  there  the  long  woodland 
slope,  sweeping  up  from  the  shore  in  rich  luxuriance  and 
terminating  in  the  upland  precipice;  while  at  a distance  a 
long  waving  line  of  rocky  heights  threw  their  gigantic 
shades  across  the  water.  Now  would  they  pass  where  some 
modest  little  interval,  opening  among  these  stupendous 
scenes,  yet  retreating  as  it  were  for  protection  into  the  em- 
braces of  the  neighboring  mountains,  displayed  a rural 
paradise  fraught  with  sweet  and  pastoral  beauties — the 
velvet-tufted  lawn,  the  bushy  copse,  the  tinkling  rivulet, 
stealing  through  the  fresh  and  vivid  verdure,  on  whose 
banks  was  situated  some  little  Indian  village  or  peradvent- 
ure  the  rude  cabin  of  some  solitary  hunter. 

The  different  periods  of  the  revolving  day  seemed  each 
with  cunning  magic,  to  diffuse  a different  charm  over  the 
scene.  Now  would  the  jovial  sun  break  gloriously  from  the 
east,  blazing  from  the  summits  of  the  hills  and  sparkling 
the  landscape  with  a thousand  dewy  gems,  while  along  the 
borders  of  the  river  were  seen  heavy  masses  of  mist,  which, 
like  midnight  caitiffs  disturbed  at  his  approach,  made  a 
sluggish  retreat,  rolling  in  sullen  reluctance  up  the  moun- 
tains. At  such  times  all  was  brightness  and  life  and 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


235 


gayety;  the  atmosphere  was  of  an  indescribable  pureness 
and  transparency;  the  birds  broke  forth  in  wanton  madri- 
gals, and  the  freshening  breezes  wafted  the  vessel  merrily 
on  her  course.  But  when  the  sun  sunk  amid  a flood  of 
glory  in  the  west,  mantling  the  heavens  and  the  earth  with 
a thousand  gorgeous  dyes,  then  all  was  calm  and  silent  and 
magnificent.  The  late  swelling  sail  hung  lifelessly  against 
the  mast;  the  seaman,  with  folded  arms,  leaned  against  the 
shrouds,  lost  in  that  involuntary  musing  which  the  sober 
granduer  of  Nature  commands  in  the  rudest  of  her  chil- 
dren. The  vast  bosom  of  the  Hudson  was  like  an  unruffled 
mirror,  reflecting  the  golden  splendor  of  the  heavens,  ex- 
cepting that  now  and  then  a bark  canoe  would  steal  across 
its  surface  filled  with  painted  savages,  whose  gay  feathers 
glared  brightly  as  perchance  a lingering  ray  of  the  setting 
sun  gleamed  upon  them  from  the  western  mountains. 

But  when  the  hour  of  twilight  spread  its  majestic  mists 
around,  then  did  the  face  of  Nature  assume  a thousand 
fugitive  charms  which  to  the  worthy  heart  that  seeks  en- 
joyment in  the  glorious  works  of  its  Maker  are  inexpressi- 
bly captivating.  The  mellow  dubious  light  that  prevailed 
just  served  to  tinge  with  illusive  colors  the  softened  feat- 
ures of  the  scenery.  The  deceived  but  delighted  eye 
sought  vainly  to  discern  in  the  broad  masses  of  shade  the 
separating  line  between  the  land  and  water  or  to  distin- 
guish the  fading  objects  that  seemed  sinking  into  chaos. 
Now  did  the  busy  Fancy  supply  the  feebleness  of  vision, 
producing  with  industrious  craft  a fairy  creation  of  her 
own.  Under  her  plastic  wand  the  barren  rocks  frowned 
upon  the  watery  waste  in  the  semblance  of  lofty  towers 
and  high  embattled  castles;  trees  assumed  the  direful 
forms  of  mighty  giants;  and  the  inaccessible  summits  of 
the  mountains  seem  peopled  with  a thousand  shadowy 
beings. 

Now  broke  forth  from  the  shores  the  notes  of  an  in- 
numerable variety  of  insects,  which  filled  the  air  with  a 
strange  but  not  inharmonious  concert,  while  ever  a-nd  anon 
was  heard  the  melancholy  plaint  of  the  whip-poor-will,  who, 
perched  on  some  lone  tree,  wearied  the  ear  of  night  with 
his  incessant  moanings.  The  mind,  soothed  into  a hal- 
lowed melancholy,  listened  with  pensive  stillness  to  catch 
and  distinguish  each  sound  that  vaguely  echoed  from  the 
shore — now  and  then  startled  perchance  by  the  whoop  of 


236 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


some  straggling  savage  or  by  the  dreary  howl  of  a wolf 
stealing  forth  upon  his  nightly  prowlings. 

Thus  happily  did  they  pursue  their  course  until  they  en- 
tered upon  those  awful  defiles  denominated  The  High- 
lands, where  it  would  seem  that  the  gigantic  Titans  had 
erst  waged  their  impious  war  with  heaven,  piling  up  cliffs 
on  cliffs  and  hurling  vast  masses  of  rock  in  wild  confusion. 
But  in  sooth  very  different  is  the  history  of  these  cloud- 
capped  mountains.  These  in  ancient  days,  before  the  Hud- 
son poured  its  waters  from  the  lakes,  formed  one  vast 
prison,  within  whose  rocky  bosom  the  omnipotent  Manetho 
confined  the  rebellious  spirits  who  repined  at  his  control. 
Here,  bound  in  adamantine  chains  or  jammed  in  rifted 
pines  or  crushed  by  ponderous  rocks,  they  groaned  for 
many  an  age.  At  length  the  conquering  Hudson,  in  its 
career  toward  the  ocean,  burst  open  their  prison-house, 
rolling  its  tide  triumphantly  through  the  stupendous 
ruins. 

Still,  however,  do  many  of  them  lurk  about  their  old 
abodes;  and  these  it  is,  according  to  venerable  legends, 
that  cause  the  echoes  which  resound  throughout  these  aw- 
ful solitudes,  which  are  nothing  but  their  angry  clamors 
when  any  noise  disturbs  the  profoundness  of  their  repose. 
For  when  the  elements  are  agitated  by  tempest,  when  the 
winds  are  up  and  the  thunder  rolls,  then  horrible  are  the 
yelling  and  howling  of  these  troubled  spirits,  making  the 
mountains  to  rebellow  with  their  hideous  uproar;  for  at 
such  times  it  is  said  that  they  think  the  great  Manetho  is 
returning  once  more  to  plunge  them  in  gloomy  caverns 
and  renew  their  intolerable  captivity. 

But  all  these  fair  and  glorious  scenes  were  lost  upon 
the  gallant  Stuyvesant;  naught  occupied  his  mind  but 
thoughts  of  iron  war  and  proud  anticipations  of  hardy 
deeds  of  arms.  Neither  did  his  honest  crew  trouble  their 
heads  with  any  romantic  speculations  of  the  kind.  The 
pilot  at  the  helm  quietly  smoked  his  pipe,  thinking  of 
nothing,  either  past,  present,  or  to  come;  those  of  his  com- 
rades who  were  not  industriously  smoking  under  the  hatches 
were  listening  with  open  mouths  to  Antony  Van  Cor- 
lear,  who,  seated  on  the  windlass,  was  relating  to  them  the 
marvelous  history  of  those  myriads  of  fireflies  that  sparkled 
like  jems  and  spangles  upon  the  dusky  robe  of  night. 
These,  according  to  tradition,  were  originally  a race  of 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


237 


pestilent  sempiternous  beldames  who  peopled  these  parts 
long  before  the  memory  of  man,  being  of  that  abominated 
race  emphatically  called  brimstones , and  who,  for  their  in- 
numerable sins  against  the  children  of  men,  and  to  furnish 
an  awful  warning  to  the  beauteous  sex,  were  doomed  to  in- 
fest the  earth  in  the  shape  of  these  threatening  and  terri- 
ble little  bugs,  enduring  the  internal  torments  of  that  fire 
which  they  formerly  carried  in  their  hearts  and  breathed 
forth  in  their  words,  but  now  are  sentenced  to  bear  about 
forever — in  their  tails! 

And  now  I am  going  to  tell  a fact  which  I doubt  much 
my  readers  will  hesitate  to  believe;  but  if  they  do,  they  are 
welcome  not  to  believe  a word  in  this  whole  history,  for 
nothing  which  it  contains  is  more  true.  It  must  be  known 
then,  that  the  nose  of  Antony  the  Trumpeter  was  of  a 
very  lusty  size,  strutting  boldly  from  his  countenance  like 
a mountain  of  Golconda,  being  sumptuously  bedecked  with 
rubies  and  other  precious  stones — the  true  regalia  of  a king 
of  good  fellows  which  jolly  Bacchus  grants  to  all  who 
bowse  it  heartily  at  the  flagon.  Now,  thus  it  happened 
that  bright  and  early  in  the  morning  the  good  Antony, 
having  washed  his  burly  visage,  was  leaning  over  the  quar- 
ter railing  of  the  galley,  contemplating  it  in  the  glassy 
wave  below.  Just  at  this  moment  the  illustrious  sun  break- 
ing in  all  his  splendor  from  behind  a high  bluff  of  the 
Highlands,  did  dart  one  of  his  most  potent  beams  full  upon 
the  refulgent  nose  of  the  sounder  of  brass,  the  reflection  of 
which  shot  straightway  down,  hissing  hot,  into  the  water 
and  killed  a mighty  sturgeon  that  was  sporting  beside  the 
vessel!  This  huge  monster,  being  with  infinite  labor  hoist- 
ed on  board,  furnished  a luxurious  repast  to  all  the  crew, 
being  accounted  of  excellent  flavor,  excepting  about  the 
wound,  where  it  smacked  a little  of  brimstone;  and  this,  on 
my  veracity,  was  the  first  time  that  ever  sturgeon  was  eaten 
in  these  parts  by  Christian  people.* 

When  this  astonishing  miracle  came  to  be  made  known 
to  Peter  Stuyvesant,  and  that  he  tasted  of  the  unknown 
fish,  he,  as  may  well  be  supposed,  marveled  exceedingly, 

*The  learned  Hans  Megapolonsis,  treating  of  the  country  about 
Albany  in  a letter  which  was  written  some  time  after  the  settle- 
ment thereof,  says:  “ There  is  in  the  river  great  plenty  of  sturgeon, 
which  we  Christians  do  not  make  use  of,  but  the  Indians  eat  them 
greedily.” 


238 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


and  as  a monument  thereof  he  gave  the  name  of  Antony's 
Nose  to  a stout  promontory  in  the  neighborhood,  and  it 
has  continued  to  be  called  Antony’s  Nose  ever  since  that 
time. 

But  hold:  whither  am  I wandering?  By  the  mass,  if  I 
attempt  to  accompany  the  good  Peter  Stuyvesant  on  this 
voyage,  I shall  never  make  an  end;  for  never  was  there  a 
voyage  so  fraught  with  marvelous  incidents,  nor  a river  so 
abounding  with  transcendent  beauties  worthy  of  being  sev- 
erally recorded.  Even  now  I have  it  on  the  point  of  my 
pen  to  relate  how  his  crew  were  most  horribly  frightened, 
on  going  on  shore  above  the  Highlands,  by  a gang  of  merry 
roystering  devils  frisking  and  curveting  on  a flat  rock  which 
projected  into  the  river,  and  which  is  called  the  DuvyeVs 
Dans-Kamer  to  this  very  day.  But  no  ! Diedrich  Knick- 
erbocker, it  becomes  thee  not  to  idle  thus  in  thy  historic 
wayfaring. 

Recollect  that  while  dwelling  with  the  fond  garrulity  of 
age  over  these  fairy  scenes,  endeared  to  thee  by  the  recol- 
lections of  thy  youth  and  the  charms  of  a thousand  legend- 
ary tales  which  beguiled  the  simple  ear  of  thy  childhood — 
recollect  that  thou  art  trifling  with  those  fleeting  moments 
which  should  be  devoted  to  loftier  themes.  Is  not  Time, 
relentless  Time ! shaking  with  palsied  hand  his  almost  ex- 
hausted hour-glass  before  thee?  Hasten  then  to  pursue 
thy  weary  task,  lest  the  last  sands  be  run  ere  thou  hast 
finished  thy  history  of  the  Manhattoes. 

Let  us,  then,  commit  the  dauntless  Peter,  his  brave  gal- 
ley, and  his  loyal  crew  to  the  protection  of  the  blessed 
St.  Nicholas,  who,  I have  no  doubt,  will  prosper  him  in  his 
voyage,  while  we  await  his  return  at  the  great  city  of  New 
Amsterdam. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


239 


CHAPTER  Y. 

DESCRIBING  THE  POWERFUL  ARMY  THAT  ASSEMBLED  AT 
THE  CITY  OF  NEW  AMSTERDAM — TOGETHER  WITH  THE 
INTERVIEW  BETWEEN  PETER  THE  HEADSTRONG  AND 
GENERAL  VAN  rOFFENBURGIJ,  AND  PETER'S  SENTIMENTS 
TOUCHING  UNFORTUNATE  GREAT  MEN. 

While  thus  the  enterprising  Peter  was  coasting,  with  flow- 
ing sail,  up  the  shores  of  the  lordly  Hudson  and  arousing 
all  the  phlegmatic  little  Dutch  settlements  upon  its  borders, 
a great  and  puissant  concourse  of  warriors  was  assembling 
at  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam.  And  here  that  invaluable 
fragment  of  antiquity,  the  Stuyvesant  manuscript,  is  more 
than  commonly  particular ; by  which  means  I am  enabled 
to  record  the  illustrious  host  that  encamped  itself  in  the 
public  square  in  front  of  the  fort,  at  present  denominated 
the  Bowling  Green. 

In  the  center,  then,  was  pitched  the  tent  of  the  men  of 
battle  of  the  Manhattoes,  who  being  the  inmates  of  the 
metropolis  composed  the  life-guards  of  the  governor.  These 
were  commanded  by  the  valiant  Stoffel  Brinkerhoof,  who 
whilom  had  acquired  such  immortal  fame  at  Oyster  Bay  ; 
they  displayed  as  a standard  a beaver  rampant  on  a field 
of  orange,  being  the  arms  of  the  province,  and  denoting 
the  persevering  industry  and  the  amphibious  origin  of  the 
Nederland  ters.* 

On  their  right  hand  might  be  seen  the  vassals  of  that  re- 
nowned Mynheer,  Michael  Paw,f  who  lorded  it  over  the 

* This  was  likewise  the  great  seal  of  the  New  Netherlands  as 
may  still  be  seen  in  ancient  records. 

f Besides  what  is  related  in  the  Stuyvesant  MS.  I have  found  men- 
tion made  of  this  illustrious  patroon  in  another  manuscript,  which 
says  : “ De  Heer  (or  the  squire)  Michael  Paw,  a Dutch  subject  about 
10th  Aug.,  1630,  by  deed  purchased  Staten  Island.  N.  B.  The  same 
Michael  Paw  had  what  the  Dutch  call  a colonie  at  Pavonia,  on  the 
Jersey  shore,  opposite  New  York,  and  his  overseer  in  1636  was  named 
Cornelius  Van  Vorst — a person  of  the  same  name  in  1769  owned  Pawle's 
Hook  and  a large  farm  at  Pavonia,  and  is  a lineal  descendant  from 
Van  Vorst.  ” 


240 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


fair  regions  of  ancient  Pavonia  and  the  lands  away  south, 
even  unto  the  Navesink  Mountains,*  and  was  moreover 
patroon  of  Gibbet  Island.  His  standard  was  borne  by  his 
trusty  squire,  Cornelius  Van  Vorst,  consisting  of  a huge 
oyster  recumbent  upon  a sea-green  field,  being  the  armorial 
bearings  of  his  favorite  metropolis,  Communipaw.  He 
brought  to  the  camp  a stout  force  of  warriors,  heavily 
armed,  being  each  clad  in  ten  pair  of  linsey-woolsey 
breeches,  and  overshadowed  by  broad-brimmed  beavers, 
with  short  pipes  twisted  in  their  hat-bands.  These  were  the 
men  who  vegetated  in  the  mud  along  the  shores  of  Pavonia 
being  of  the  race  of  genuine  copperheads,  and  were  fabled 
to  have  sprung  from  oysters. 

At  a little  distance  was  encamped  the  tribe  of  warriors 
who  came  from  the  neighborhood  of  Hell-gate.  These 
were  commanded  by  the  Suy  Dams  and  the  Van  Dams,  in- 
continent hard  swearers,  as  their  names  betoken;  they  were 
terrible  looking  fellows,  clad  it  broad-skirted  gaberdines, 
of  that  curious  colored  cloth  called  thunder  and  lightening, 
and  bore  as  a standard  three  deviPs  darning  needles  volant 
in  a flame-colored  field. 

Hard  by  was  the  tent  of  the  men  of  battle  from  the 
marshy  borders  of  the  Waale-Boghtf  and  the  country 
thereabouts;  these  were  of  a sour  aspect,  by  reason  that 
they  lived  on  crabs,  which  abound  in  these  parts.  They 
were  the  first  instituters  of  that  honorable  order  of  knight- 
hood called  Fly -market  shirks , and  if  tradition  speak  true 
did  likewise  introduce  the  far-famed  step  in  dancing  called 
“ double  trouble.”  They  were  commanded  by  the  fearless 
Jacobus  Varra  Vanger,  and  had,  moreover,  a jolly  band  of 
BreuckelenJ  ferry-men,  who  performed  a brave  concerto  on 
conch-shells. 

But  I refrain  from  pursuing  this  minute  description, 
which  goes  on  to  describe  the  warriors  of  Bloemen-dael 
and  Wee-hawk,  and  Hoboken,  and  sundry  other  places 
well  known  in  history  and  song;  for  now  do  the  notes  of 


* So  called  from  the  Navesink  tribe  of  Indians  that  inhabited 
these  parts:  at  present  they  are  erroneously  denominated  the  Never- 
sink  or  Neversunk  Mountains. 

t Since  corrupted  into  the  Wallabout,  the  bay  where  the  Navy 
"^ard  is  situated. 

f Now  spelt  Brooklyn. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK, 


241 


martial  music  alarm  the  people  of  New  Amsterdam,  sound- 
ing afar  from  beyond  the  walls  of  the  city.  But  this  alarm 
was  in  a little  while  relieved,  for  lo,  from  the  midst  of  a 
vast  cloud  of  dust  they  recognized  the  brimstone-colored 
breeches  and  splendid  silver  leg  of  Peter  Stuyvesant,  glar- 
ing in  the  sunbeams,  and  beheld  him  approaching  at  the 
head  of  a formidable  army  which  he  had  mustered  along 
the  banks  of  the  Hudson.  And  here  the  excellent  but 
anonymous  writer  of  the  Stuyvesant  manuscript  breaks  out 
into  a brave  and  glorious  description  of  the  forces  as  they 
defiled  through  the  principal  gate  of  the  city,  that  stood 
by  the  head  of  Wall  street. 

First  of  all  came  the  Van  Bummels,  who  inhabit  the 
pleasant  borders  of  trie  Bronx:  these  were  short  fat  men, 
wearing  exceeding  large  trunk-breeches,  and  were  renown- 
ed for  feats  of  the  trencher;  they  were  the  first  inventors 
of  suppawn  or  mush  and  milk.  Close  in  their  rear  marched 
the  Van  Vlotens  of  Kaatskill,  horrible  quaffers  of  new 
cider  and  arrant  braggarts  in  their  liquor.  After  them 
came  the  Van  Pelts  of  Groodt  Esopus,  dextrous  horsemen, 
mounted  upon  goodly  switch-tailed  steeds  of  the  Esopus 
breed;  these  were  mighty  hunters  of  minks  and  muskrats 
whence  came  the  word  Peltry,  Then  the  Van  Nests  of 
Kinderhoeck,  valiant  robbers  of  birds*  nests,  as  their  name 
denotes;  to  these,  if  report  may  be  believed,  are  we  indebt- 
ed for  the  invention  of  slap-jacks  or  buckwheat  cakes. 
Then  the  Van  Iiigginbottoms  of  Wapping’s  Creek;  these 
came  armed  with  ferules  and  birchen  rods,  being  a race 
of  schoolmasters,  who  first  discovered  the  marvelous  sym- 
pathy between  the  seat  of  honor  and  the  seat  of  intellect, 
and  that  the  shortest  way  to  get  knowledge  into  the  head 
was  to  hammer  it  into  the  bottom.  Then  the  Van  Grolls 
of  Antonyms  Nose,  who  carried  their  liquor  in  fair  round 
little  pottles,  by  reason  they  could  not  bowse  it  out  of  their 
canteens,  having  such  rare  long  noses.  Then  the  Garden- 
iers  of  Hudson  and  thereabouts,  distinguished  by  many 
triumphant  feats,  such  as  robbing  watermelon-patches, 
smoking  rabbits  out  their  holes,  and  the  like,  and  by  being 
great  lovers  of  roasted  pigs*  tails;  these  were  the  ancestors 
of  the  renowned  Congressman  of  that  name.  Then  the 
Van  Hoesens  of  Sing-Sing,  great  choristers  and  players 
upon  the  jewsharp;  these  marched  two  and  two,  singing 
the  great  song  of  St.  Nicholas.  Then  the  Couenhovens  of 


m 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Sleepy  Hollow;  these  gave  birth  to  a jolly  race  of  publicans 
who  first  discovered  the  magic  artifice  of  conjuring  a quart 
of  wine  into  a pint  bottle.  Then  the  Van  Kortlandts,  who 
lived  on  the  wild  banks  of  the  Croton,  and  were  great  kill- 
ers of  wild  ducks,  being  much  spoken  of  for  their  skill  in 
shooting  with  the  long  bow.  Then  the  Van  Bunschotens 
of  Nyack  and  Kakiat,  who  were  the  first  that  did  ever  kick 
wdth  the  left  foot;  they  were  gallant  bushwhackers  and 
hunters  of  raccoons  by  moonlight.  Then  the  Van  Winkles 
of  Haerlem,  potent  suckers  of  eggs,  and  noted  for  running 
of  horses  and  running  up  of  scores  at  taverns;  they  were 
the  first  that  ever  winked  with  both  eyes  at  once.  Lastly 
came  the  Knickerbockers  of  the  great  town  of  Scaghti- 
koke,  where  the  folk  lay  stones  upon  the  houses  in  windy 
weather,  lest  they  should  be  blown  away.  These  derive 
their  name,  as  some  say,  from  Knicker , to  shake,  and 
Beker , a goblet,  indicating  thereby  that  they  were  sturdy 
tosspots  of  yore;  but,  in  truth,  it  was  derived  from  Knicker 
to  nod,  and  Boeken , books,  plainly  meaning  that  they  were 
great  nod ders  or  dozers  over  books:  from  them  did  descend 
the  writer  of  this  history. 

Such  was  the  legion  of  sturdy  buslibeaters  that  poured 
in  at  the  grand  gate  of  New  Amsterdam;  the  Stuyvesant 
manuscript  indeed  speaks  of  many  more,  whose  names  I 
omit  to  mention,  seeing  that  it  behooves  me  to  hasten  to 
matters  of  greater  moment.  Nothing  could  surpass  the 
joy  and  martial  pride  of  the  lion-hearted  Peter  as  he  re- 
viewed this  mighty  host  of  warriors,  and  he  determined  no 
longer  to  defer  the  gratification  of  his  much-wished-for  re- 
venge upon  the  scoundrel  Swedes  at  Fort  Casimir. 

But  before  I hasten  to  record  those  unmatehable  events, 
which  will  be  found  in  the  sequel  of  this  faithful  history, 
let  me  pause  to  notice  the  fate  of  Jacobus  Van  Poffenburgh, 
the  discomforted  commander-in-chief  of  the  armies  of  the 
New  Netherlands.  Such  is  the  inherent  uncharitableness 
of  human  nature  that  scarcely  did  the  news  become  pub- 
lic of  his  deplorable  discomfiture  at  Fort  Casimir  than  a 
thousand  scurvy  rumors  were  set  afloat  in  New  Amsterdam, 
wherein  it  was  insinuated  that  he  had  in  reality  a treach- 
erous understanding  with  the  Swedish  commander — that 
he  had  long  been  in  the  practice  of  privately  communica- 
ting with  the  Swedes,  together  with  divers  hints  about 
“ secret-service  money.”  To  all  which  deadly  charges  I 


HISTORY  OF  HEW  YORK. 


243 


do  not  give  a jot  more  credit  than  I think  they  deserve. 
Certain  it  is,  that  the  General  vindicated  his  character 
by  the  most  vehement  oaths  and  protestations,  and  put 
every  man  out  of  the  ranks  of  honor  who  dared  to  doubt 
his  integrity.  Moreover,  on  returning  to  New  Amsterdam 
he  paraded  up  and  down  the  streets  with  a crew  of  hard 
swearers  at  his  heels,  sturdy  bottle-companions  whom  he 
gorged  and  fattened,  and  who  were  ready  to  bolster  him 
through  all  the  courts  of  justice — heroes  of  his  own  kid- 
ney, fierce-whiskered,  broad-shouldered,  Colbrand-looking 
swaggerers,  not  one  of  whom  but  looked  as  though  he 
could  eat  up  an  ox  and  pick  his  teeth  with  the  horns. 
These  life-guard  men  quarrelled  all  his  quarrels,  were  ready 
to  fight  all  his  battles,  and  scowled  at  every  man  that 
turned  up  his  nose  at  the  general  as  though  they  would  de- 
vour him  alive.  Their  conversation  was  interspersed  with 
oaths  like  minute-guns,  and  every  bombastic  rhodomontade 
was  rounded  off  by  a thundering  execration,  like  a pa- 
triotic toast  honored  with  a discharge  of  artillery. 

All  these  valorous  vaporings  had  a considerable  effect 
in  convincing  certain  profound  sages,  who  began  to  think 
the  general  a hero  of  unmatchable  loftiness  and  magnan- 
imity of  soul;  particularly  as  he  was  continually  protest- 
ing on  the  honor  of  a soldier — a marvelously  high-sounding 
asseveration.  Nay,  one  of  the  members  of  the  council 
went  so  far  as  to  propose  they  should  immortalise  him  by 
an  imperishable  statue  of  plaster  of  paris. 

But  the  vigilant  Peter  the  Headstrong  was  not  thus  to 
be  deceived.  Sending  privately  for  the  commander-in- 
chief  of  all  the  armies,  and  having  heard  all  his  story,  gar- 
nished with  the  customary  pious  oaths,  protestations,  and 
ejaculations,  “Harkee,  comrade,”  cried  he,  “though  by 
your  own  account  you  are  the  most  brave,  upright,  and 
honorable  man  in  the  whole  province,  yet  do  you  lie  under 
the  misfortune  of  being  damnably  traduced  and  immeasur- 
ably despised.  Now,  though  it  is  certainly  hard  to  punish 
a man  for  his  misfortunes,  and  though  it  is  very  possible 
you  are  totally  innocent  of  the  crimes  laid  to  your  charge, 
yet  as  Heaven,  doubtless  for  some  wise  purpose,  sees  fit  at 
present  to  withhold  all  proofs  of  your  innocence,  far  be  it 
from  me  to  counteract  its  sovereign  will.  Besides  I cannot 
consent  to  venture  my  armies  with  a commander  whom 
they  despise,  nor  to  trust  the  welfare  of  my  people  to  a 


244 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


champion  whom  they  distrust.  Retire,  therefore,  my  friend, 
from  the  irksome  toils  and  cares  of  public  life  with  this 
comforting  reflection — that  if  guilty,  you  are  but  enjoying 
your  just  reward,  and  if  innocent,  you  are  not  the  first 
great  and  good  man  who  has  most  wrongfully  been  slan- 
dered and  maltreated  in  this  wicked  world,  doubtless  to  be 
better  treated  in  a better  world,  where  there  shall  be 
neither  error,  calumny,  nor  persecution.  In  the  meantime 
let  me  never  see  your  face  again,  for  I have  a horrible 
antipathy  to  the  countenances  of  unfortunate  great  men 
like  yourself.” 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


245 


CHAPTER  VI. 

IN  WHICH  THE  AUTHOR  DISCOURSES  VERY  INGENUOUSLY 
OE  HIMSELF — AFTER  WHICH  IS  TO  BE  FOUND  MUCH 
INTERESTING  HISTORY  ABOUT  PETER  THE  HEADSTRONG 
AND  HIS  FOLLOWERS. 

As  my  readers  and  myself  are  about  entering  on  as  many 
perils  as  ever  a confederacy  of  meddlesome  knights-errant 
wilfully  ran  their  heads  into,  it  is  meet  that,  like  those 
hardy  adventurers,  we  should  join  hands,  bury  all  differ- 
ences, and  swear  to  stand  by  one  another  in  weal  or  woe  to 
the  end  of  the  enterprise.  My  readers  must  doubtless  per- 
ceive how  completely  I have  altered  my  tone  and  deport- 
ment since  we  first  set  out  together.  I warrant  they  then 
thought  me  a crabbed,  cynical,  impertinent  little  son  of  a 
Dutchman,  for  I scarcely  ever  gave  them  a civil  word,  nor 
so  much  as  touched  my  beaver  when  I had  occasion  to  ad- 
dress them.  But  as  we  jogged  along  together  on  the  high- 
road of  my  history  I gradually  began  to  relax,  to  grow 
more  courteous,  and  occasionally  to  enter  into  familiar  dis- 
course, until  at  length  I came  to  conceive  a most  social, 
companionable  kind  of  regard  for  them.  This  is  just  my 
way:  I am  always  a little  cold  and  reserved  at  first,  par- 
ticularly to  people  whom  I neither  know  nor  care  for,  and 
am  only  to  be  completely  won  by  long  intimacy. 

Besides,  why  should  I have  been  sociable  to  the  crowd 
of  how-d’ye-do  acquaintances  that  flocked  around  me  at 
my  first  appearance?  Many  were  merely  attracted  by  a new 
face,  and,  having  stared  me  full  in  the  title-page,  walked 
off  without  saying  a word,  while  others  lingered  yawningly 
through  the  preface,  and,  having  gratified  their  short-lived 
curiosity,  soon  dropped  off  one  by  one.  But  more  especially 
to  try  their  mettle,  I had  recourse  to  an  expedient  similar 
to  one  which  we  are  told  was  used  by  that  peerless  flower 
of  chivalry,  King  Arthur,  who,  before  he  admitted  any 


246 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


knight  to  his  intimacy,  first  required  that  he  should  show 
himself  superior  to  dangers  or  hardships  by  encountering 
unheard-of  mishaps,  slaying  some  dozen  giants,  vanquish- 
ing wicked  enchanters,  not  to  say  a word  of  dwarfs,  hippo- 
griffs,  and  fiery  dragons.  On  a similar  principle  did  I 
cunningly  lead  my  readers  at  the  first  sally  into  two  or 
three  knotty  chapters,  where  they  were  most  wofully  be- 
labored and  buffeted  by  a host  of  pagan  philosophers  and 
infidel  writers.  Though  naturally  a very  grave  man,  yet 
could  I scarce  refrain  from  smiling  outright  at  seeing  the 
utter  confusion  and  dismay  of  my  valiant  cavaliers.  Some 
dropped  down  dead  (asleep)  on  the  field;  others  threw 
down  my  book  in  the  middle  of  the  first  chapter,  took  to 
their  heels,  and  never  ceased  scampering  until  they  had 
fairly  run  it  out  of  sight,  when  they  stopped  to  take  breath, 
to  tell  their  friends  what  troubles  they  had  undergone,  and 
to  warn  all  others  from  venturing  on  so  thankless  an  expe- 
dition. Every  page  thinned  my  ranks  more  and  more,  and 
of  the  vast  multitude  thatfirstset  out,  but  a comparatively 
few  made  shift  to  survive,  in  exceedingly  battered  condi- 
tion, through  the  five  introductory  chapters. 

What,  then!  Would  you  have  had  me  take  such  sun- 
shine, faint-hearted  recreants  to  my  bosom  at  our  first 
acquaintance?  No,  no;  I reserved  my  friendship  for  those 
who  deserved  it — for  those  who  undauntedly  bore  me  com- 
pany despite  of  difficulties,  dangers,  and  fatigues.  And 
now,  as  to  those  who  adhere  to  me  at  present,  I take  them 
affectionately  by  the  hand.  Worthy  and  th rice-beloved 
readers!  brave  and  well-tried  comrades!  who  had  faith- 
fully followed  my  footsteps  through  all  my  wanderings!  I 
salute  you  from  my  heart — I pledge  myself  to  stand  by 
you  to  the  last,  and  to  conduct  you  (so  Heaven  speed  this 
trusty  weapon  which  I now  hold  between  my  fingers) 
triumphantly  to  the  end  of  this  our  stupendous  under- 
taking. 

But,  hark!  while  we  are  thus  talking  the  city  of  New 
Amsterdam  is  in  a bustle.  The  host  of  warriors  encamped 
in  the  Bowling  Green  are  striking  their  tents,  the  brazen 
trumpet  of  Antony  Van  Corlear  makes  the  welkin  to  re- 
sound with  portentous  clangor,  the  drums  beat,  the  stand- 
ards of  the  Manhattoes,  of  Hell-gate,  and  of  Michael  Paw 
wave  proudly  in  the  air.  And  now  behold  where  the  mar- 
iners are  busily  employed  hoisting  the  sails  of  yon  topsail 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


247 

schooner  and  those  clump-built  sloops  which  are  to  waft 
the  army  of  the  Nederlandters  to  gather  immortal  honors 
on  the  Delaware. 

The  entire  population  of  the  city,  man,  woman,  and  child 
turned  out  to  behold  the  chivalry  of  New  Amsterdam  as  it 
paraded  the  streets  previous  to  embarkation.  Many  a hand- 
kerchief was  waved  out  of  the  windows;  many  a fair  nose 
was  blown  in  melodious  sorrow  on  the  mournful  occasion. 
The  grief  of  the  fair  dames  and  beauteous  damsels  of  Gran- 
ada could  not  have  been  more  vociferous  on  the  banish- 
ment of  the  gallant  tribe  of  Abencerrages  than  was  that  of 
the  kind-hearted  fair  ones  of  New  Amsterdam  on  the  de- 
parture of  their  intrepid  warriors.  Every  lovesick  maiden 
fondly  crammed  the  pockets  of  her  hero  with  gingerbread 
and  doughnuts;  many  a copper  ring  was  exchanged  and 
crooked  sixpence  broken  in  pledge  of  eternal  constancy; 
and  there  remain  extant  to  this  day  some  love-verses  writ- 
ten on  that  occasion,  sufficiently  crabbed  and  incomprehen- 
sible to  confound  the  whole  universe. 

But  it  was  a moving  sight  to  see  the  buxom  lasses,  how 
they  hung  about  the  doughty  Antony  Van  Corlear,  for  he 
was  a jolly,  rosy-faced,  lusty  bachelor,  fond  of  his  joke, 
and  withal  a desperate  rogue  among  the  women.  Fain 
would  they  have  kept  him  to  comfort  them  while  the  army 
was  away;  for,  besides  what  I have  said  of  him,  it  is  no 
more  than  justice  to  add  that  he  was  a kind-hearted  soul, 
noted  for  his  benevolent  attentions  in  comforting  discon- 
solate wives  during  the  absence  of  their  husbands;  and 
this  made  him  to  be  very  much  regarded  by  the  honest 
burghers  of  the  city.  But  nothing  could  keep  the  valiant 
Antony  from  following  the  heels  of  the  old  governor  whom 
he  loved  as  he  did  his  very  soul;  so,  embracing  all  the  young 
vrouws  and  giving  every  one  of  them  that  had  good  teeth 
and  rosy  lips  a dozen  hearty  smacks,  he  departed  loaded 
with  their  kind  wishes. 

Nor  was  the  departure  of  the  gallant  Peter  among  the 
least  causes  of  public  distress.  Though  the  old  governor 
was  by  no  means  indulgent  to  the  follies  and  waywardness 
of  his  subjects,  yet  somehow  or  other  he  had  become 
strangely  popular  among  the  people.  There  is  something 
so  captivating  in  personal  bravery  that  with  the  common 
mass  of  mankind  it  takes  the  lead  of  most  other  merits. 
The  simple  folk  of  New  Amsterdam  looked  upon  Peter 


248 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Stuyvesant  as  a prodigy  of  valor.  His  wooden  leg,  that 
trophy  of  his  martial  encounters,  was  regarded  with  rev- 
erence and  admiration.  Every  old  burgher  had  a budget 
of  miraculous  stories  to  tell  about  the  exploits  of  Hard- 
koppig  Piet,  wherewith  he  regaled  his  children  of  a long 
winter  night,  and  on  which  he  dwelt  with  as  much  delight 
and  exaggeration  as  do  our  honest  country  yeomen  on  the 
hardy  adventures  of  old  General  Putnam  (or,  as  he  is  fa- 
miliarly termed,  Old  Put)  during  our  glorious  Kevolution. 
Not  an  individual  but  verily  believed  the  old  governor  was 
a match  for  Beelzebub  himself;  and  there  was  even  a story 
told,  with  great  mystery  and  under  the  rose,  of  his  hav- 
ing shot  the  devii  with  a silver  bullet  one  dark  stormy 
night  as  he  was  sailing  in  a canoe  through  Hell-gate;  but 
this  I do  not  record  as  being  an  absolute  fact.  Perish  the 
man  who  would  let  fall  a drop  to  discolor  the  pure  stream 
of  history! 

Certain  it  is  not  an  old  woman  in  New  Amsterdam  but 
considered  Peter  Stuyvesant  as  a tower  of  strength,  and 
rested  satisfied  that  the  public  welfare  was  secure  so  long 
as  he  was  in  the  city.  It  is  not  surprising,  then,  that  they 
looked  upon  his  departure  as  a sore  affliction.  With  heavy 
hearts  they  draggled  at  the  heels  of  his  troop  as  they 
marched  down  to  the  river-side  to  embark.  The  governor 
from  the  stern  of  his  schooner  gave  a short  but  truly  patri- 
archal address  to  his  citizens,  wherein  he  recommended 
them  to  comport  like  loyal  and  peaceable  subjects — to  go 
to  church  regularly  on  Sundays  and  to  mind  their  business 
all  the  week  besides;  that  the  women  should  be  dutiful  and 
affectionate  to  their  husbands,  looking  after  nobody’s  con- 
cerns but  their  own,  eschewing  all  gossipings  and  morning 
gaddings,  and  carrying  short  tongues  and  long  petticoats; 
that  the  men  should  abstain  from  intermeddling  in  public 
concerns,  intrusting  the  cares  of  government  to  the  officers 
appointed  to  support  them,  staying  at  home  like  good  citi- 
zens, making  money  for  themselves,  and  getting  children 
for  the  benefit  of  their  country;  that  the  burgomasters 
should  look  well  to  the  public  interest,  not  oppressing  the 
poor  nor  indulging  the  rich,  not  tasking  their  ingenuity  to 
devise  new  laws,  but  faithfully  enforcing  those  wrhichwere 
already  made;  rather  bending  their  attention  to  prevent 
evil  than  to  punish  it;  ever  recollecting  that  civil  magis- 
trates should  consider  themselves  more  as  guardians  of  pub- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


.240 


lie  morals  than  rat-catches  employed  to  entrrap  public  de- 
linquents. Finally,  he  exhorted  them,  one  and  all,  high 
and  low,  rich  and  poor,  to  conduct  themselves  as  well  as 
they  could,  assuring  them  that  if  they  faithfully  and  con- 
scientiously complied  with  this  golden  rule,  there  was  no 
danger  but  that  they  would  all  conduct  themselves  well 
enough.  This  done,  he  gave  them  a paternal  benediction 
the  sturdy  Antony  sounded  a most  loving  farewell  with  his 
trumpet,  the  jolly  crews  put  up  a shout  of  triumph,  and 
the  invincible  armada  swept  off  proudly  down  the  bay. 

The  good  people  of  New  Amsterdam  crowded  down  to 
the  Battery,  that  blest  resort  from  whence  so  many  a tender 
prayer  has  been  wafted,  so  many  a fair  hand  waved,  so 
many  a tearful  look  been  cast  by  lovesick  damsel  after  the 
lessening  bark  bearing  her  adventurous  swain  to  distant 
climes!  Here  the  populace  watched  with  straining  eyes 
the  gallant  squadron  as  it  slowly  floated  down  the  bay,  and 
when  the  intervening  land  at  the  Narrows  shut  it  from 
their  sight,  gradually  dispersed  with  silent  tongues  and 
downcast  countenances. 

A heavy  gloom  hung  over  the  late  bustling  city:  the 
honest  burghers  smoked  their  pipes  in  profound  thought- 
fulness, casting  many  a wistful  look  to  the  weathercock  on 
the  church  of  St.  Nicholas;  and  all  the  old  women,  hav- 
ing no  longer  the  presence  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  to  hearten 
them,  gathered  their  children  home  and  barricaded  the 
doors  and  windows  every  evening  at  sundown. 

In  the  meanwhile,  the  armada  of  the  sturdy  Peter  pro- 
ceeded prosperously  on  its  voyage,  and  after  encountering 
about  as  many  storms  and  waterspouts  and  whales  and 
other  horrors  and  phenomena  as  generally  befall  advent- 
urous landsmen  in  perilous  voyages  of  the  kind,  and  after 
undergoing  a severe  scouring  from  that  deplorable  and 
unpitied  malady  called  sea-sickness,  the  whole  squadron  ar- 
rived safely  in  the  Delaware. 

Without  so  much  as  dropping  anchor  and  giving  his 
wearied  ships  time  to  breathe  after  laboring  so  long  on  the 
ocean,  the  intrepid  Peter  pursued  his  course  up  the  Dela- 
ware and  made  a sudden  appearance  before  Fort  Casimir. 
Having  summoned  the  astonished  garrison  by  a terrific  blast 
from  the  trumpet  of  the  long-winded  Van  Corlear,  he  de- 
manded in  a tone  of  thunder  an  instant  surrender  of  the  fort. 
To  this  demand  Suen  Skytte,  the  wind-dried  commandant, 


250 


HISTORY  OF  HEW  YORK . 


replied  in  a shrill  whiffling  voice,  which  by  reasons  of  his  ex- 
treme spareness  sounded  like  the  wind  whistling  through  a 
broken  bellows,  “that  he  had  no  very  strong  reason  for  refus- 
ing, except  that  the  demand  was  particularly  disagreeable, 
as  he  had  been  ordered  to  maintain  his  post  to  the  last  ex- 
tremity.” He  requested  time,  therefore,  to  consult  with 
Governor  Risingh,  and  proposed  a truce  for  that  purpose. 

The  choleric  Peter,  indignant  at  having  his  rightful  fort 
so  treacherously  taken  from  him  and  thus  pertinaciously 
withheld,  refused  the  proposed  armistice,  and  swore  by  the 
pipe  of  St.  Nicholas — which,  like  the  sacred  fire,  was  never 
extinguished — that  unless  the  fort  were  surrendered  in  ten 
minutes  he  would  incontinently  storm  the  works,  make  all 
the  garrison  run  the  gantlet,  and  split  their  scoundrel  of 
a commander  like  a pickled  shad.  To  give  this  menace 
the  greater  effect,  he  drew  forth  his  trusty  sword  and  shook 
it  at  them  with  such  a fierce  and  vigorous  motion  that 
doubtless,  if  it  had  not  been  exceedingly  rusty,  it  would 
have  lightened  terror  into  the  eyes  and  hearts  of  the  enemy. 
He  then  ordered  his  men  to  bring  a broad  side  to  bear  upon 
the  fort,  consisting  of  two  swivels,  three  muskets,  a long 
duck  fowling-piece,  and  two  brace  of  horse-pistols. 

In  the  meantime,  the  sturdy  Van  Corlear  marshaled  all 
his  forces  and  commenced  his  warlike  operations.  Distend- 
ing his  cheeks  like  a very  Boreas,  he  kept  up  a most  hor- 
rific twanging  of  his  trumpet,  the  lusty  choristers  of 
Sing-Sing  broke  forth  into  a hideous  song  of  battle,  the 
warriors  of  Breuckelen  and  the  Wallabout  blew  a potent 
and  astounding  blast  on  their  conch-shells,  altogether  form- 
ing as  outrageous  a concerto  as  though  five  thousand 
French  fiddlers  were  displaying  their  skill  in  a modern 
overture. 

Whether  the  formidable  front  of  war  thus  suddenly  pre- 
sented smote  the  garrison  with  sore  dismay,  or  whether  the 
concluding  terms  of  the  summons,  which  mentioned  that 
he  should  surrender  “at  discretion,”  were  mistaken  by 
Suen  Skytte,  who,  though  a Swede,  was  a very  considerate, 
easy-tempered  man,  as  a compliment  to  his  discretion,  I 
will  not  take  upon  me  to  say;  certain  it  is  he  found  it  im- 
possible to  resist  so  courteous  a demand.  Accordingly,  in 
the  very  nick  of  time,  just  as  the  cabin-boy  had  gone  after 
a coal  of  fire  to  discharge  the  swivel,  a chamade  was  beat 
on  the  rampart  by  the  only  drum  in  the  garrison,  to  the  no 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


251 


small  satisfaction  of  both  parties;  who,  notwithstanding 
their  great  stomach  for  fighting,  had  full  as  good  an  incli- 
nation to  eat  a quiet  dinner  as  to  exchange  black  eyes  and 
bloody  noses. 

Thus  did  this  impregnable  fortress  once  more  return  to 
the  domination  of  their  High  Mightinesses:  Skytte  and 
his  garrison  of  twenty  men  were  allowed  to  march  out  with 
the  honors  of  war,  and  the  victorious  Peter,  who  was  as 
generous  as  brave,  permitted  them  to  keep  possession  of  all 
their  arms  and  ammunition,  the  same  on  inspection  being 
found  totally  unfit  for  service,  having  long  rusted  in  the 
magazine  of  the  fortress,  even  before  it  was  wrested  by  the 
Swedes  from  the  windy  Van  Poffenburgh.  But  I must 
not  omit  to  mention  that  the  governor  was  so  well  pleased 
with  the  service  of  his  faithful  squire  Van  Corlear  in  the 
reduction  of  this  great  fortress  that  he  made  him  on  the 
spot  lord  of  a goodly  domain  in  the  vicinity  of  New  Am- 
sterdam; which  goes  by  the  name  of  CorleaPs  Hook  unto 
this  very  day. 

The  unexampled  liberality  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  toward 
the  Swedes  occasioned  great  surprise  in  the  city  of  New 
Amsterdam;  nay,  certain  factious  individuals,  who  had 
been  enlightened  by  political  meetings  in  the  days  of  Wil- 
liam the  Testy,  but  who  had  not  dared  to  indulge  their 
meddlesome  habits  under  the  eye  of  their  present  ruler, 
now,  emboldened  by  his  absence,  gave  vent  to  their  censures 
in  the  street.  Murmurs  were  heard  in  the  very  council- 
chamber  of  New  Amsterdam;  and  there  is  no  knowing 
whether  they  might  not  have  broken  out  into  downright 
speeches  and  invectives  had  not  Peter  Stuyvesant  privately 
sent  home  his  walking-staff,  to  be  laid  as  a mace  on  the 
table  of  the  council-chamber  in  the  midst  of  his  counsel- 
lors, who,  like  wise  men,  took  the  hint  and  forever  after 
held  their  peace. 


252 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

SHOWING  THE  GREAT  ADVANTAGE  THAT  THE  AUTHOR  HAS 
OVER  HIS  READER  IN  TIME  OF  BATTLE — TOGETHER 
WITH  DIVERS  PORTENTOUS  MOVEMENTS,  WHICH 
BETOKEN  THAT  SOMETHING  TERRIBLE  IS  ABOUT  TO 
HAPPEN. 

Like  as  a mighty  alderman,  when  at  a corporation  feast 
the  first  spoonful  of  turtle-soup  salutes  his  palate,  feels  his 
appetite  but  tenfold  quickened  and  redoubles  his  vigorous 
attacks  upon  the  tureen,  while  his  projecting  eyes  roll 
greedily  round,  devouring  everything  at  table,  so  did  the 
mettlesome  Peter  Stuyvesant  feel  that  hunger  for  martial 
glory  which  raged  within  his  bowels  inflamed  by  the  capt- 
ure of  Fort  Casimir,  and  nothing  could  allay  it  but  the 
conquest  of  all  New  Sweden.  No  sooner,  therefore,  had 
he  secured  his  conquest,  than  he  stumped  resolutely  on, 
flushed  with  success,  to  gather  fresh  laurels  at  Fort  Chris- 
tina.* 

This  was  the  grand  Swedish  post,  established  on  a small 
river  (or,  as  it  is  improperly  termed,  creek)  of  the  same 
name,  and  here  that  crafty  governor  Jan  Risingh  lay 
grimly  drawn  up,  like  a gray-bearded  spider  in  the  cita- 
del of  his  web. 

But  before  we  hurry  into  the  direful  scenes  which  must 
attend  the  meeting  of  two  such  potent  chieftains,  it  is 
advisable  to  pause  for  a moment  and  hold  a kind  of  war- 
like council.  Battles  should  not  be  rushed  into  precipi- 
tately by  the  historian  and  his  readers,  any  more  than  by 
the  general  and  his  soldiers.  The  great  commanders  of 
antiquity  never  engage  the  enemy  without  previously  pre- 
paring the  minds  of  their  followers  by  animating  harangues, 

* At  present  a flourishing  town  called  Christiana,  or  Christeen, 
about  thirty-seven  miles  from  Philadelphia,  on  the  post-road  to 
Baltimore, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


253 


spiriting  them  up  to  heroic  deeds,  assuring  them  of  the 
protection  of  the  gods,  and  inspiring  them  with  a confi- 
dence in  the  prowess  of  their  leaders.  So  the  historian 
should  awaken  the  attention  and  enlist  the  passions  of  his 
readers,  and,  having  set  them  all  on  fire  with  the  import- 
ance of  his  subject,  he  should  put  himself  at  their  head, 
flourish  his  pen,  and  lead  them  on  to  the  thickest  of  the 
fight. 

An  illustrious  example  of  this  rule  may  be  seen  in  that 
mirror  of  historians  the  immortal  Thucydides.  Having 
arrived  at  the  breaking  out  of  the  Peloponnesian  War,  one 
of  his  commentators  observes  that  “he  sounds  the  charge 
in  all  the  disposition  and  spirit  of  Homer.  He  catalogues 
the  allies  on  both  sides.  He  awakens  our  expectations  and 
fast  engages  our  attention.  All  mankind  are  concerned  in 
the  important  point  now  going  to  be  decided.  Endeavors 
are  made  to  disclose  futurity.  Heaven  itself  is  interested 
in  the  dispute.  The  earth  totters  and  Nature  seems  to 
labor  with  the  great  event.  This  is  his  solemn,  sublime 
manner  of  setting  out.  Thus  he  magnifies  a war  between 
two,  as  Rapin  styles  them,  petty  states,  and  thus  artfully 
he  supports  a little  subject  by  treating  it  in  a great  and 
noble  method.” 

In  like  manner,  having  conducted  my  readers  into  the 
very  teeth  of  peril,  having  followed  the  adventurous  Peter 
and  his  band  into  foreign  regions,  surrounded  by  foes  and 
stunned  by  the  horrid  din  of  arms,  at  this  important 
moment,  while  darkness  and  doubt  hang  o’er  each  coming 
chapter,  I hold  it  meet  to  harangue  them  and  prepare  them 
for  the  events  that  are  to  follow. 

And  here  I would  premise  one  great  advantage  which, 
as  historian,  I possess  over  my  reader;  and  this  it  is:  that 
though  I cannot  save  the  life  of  my  favorite  hero  nor 
absolutely  contradict  the  event  of  a battle  (both  which 
liberties,  though  often  taken  by  the  French  writers  of  the 
present  reign,  I hold  to  be  utterly  unworthy  of  a scrupu- 
lous historian),  yet  I can  now  and  then  make  him  bestow 
on  his  enemy  a sturdy  back-stroke  sufficient  to  fell  a giant, 
though  in  honest  truth  he  may  never  have  done  anything 
of  the  kind;  or  I can  drive  his  antagonist  clear  round  and 
round  the  field,  as  did  Homer  make  that  fine  fellow 
Hector  scamper  like  a poltroon  round  the  walls  of  Troy, 
for  which,  if  ever  they  have  encountered  one  another  in  the 


254 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


Elysian  Fields  Fll  warrant  the  prince  of  poets  has  had  to 
make  the  most  humble  apology. 

I am  aware  that  many  conscientious  readers  will  be  ready 
to  cry  out  “Foul  play !”  whenever  I render  a little  assist- 
ance to  my  hero;  but  I consider  it  one  of  those  privileges 
exercised  by  historians  of  all  ages,  and  one  which  has  never 
been  disputed.  An  historian  is,  in  fact,  as  it  were,  bound 
in  honor  to  stand  by  his  hero;  the  fame  of  the  latter  is  in- 
trusted to  his  hands,  and  it  is  his  duty  to  do  the  best  by  it 
he  can.  Never  was  there  a general,  an  admiral,  or  any 
other  commander  who,  in  giving  an  account  of  any  battle 
he  had  fought,  did  not  sorely  belabor  the  enemy;  and  I 
have  no  doubt  that  had  my  heroes  written  the  history  of 
their  own  achievements  they  would  have  dealt  much  harder 
blows  than  any  that  I shall  recount.  Standing  forth,  there- 
fore as  the  guardian  of  their  fame,  it  behooves  me  to  do 
them  the  same  justice  they  would  have  done  themselves; 
and  if  I happen  to  be  a little  hard  upon  the  Swedes,  I give 
free  leave  to  any  of  their  descendants  who  may  write  a his- 
tory of  the  State  of  Delaware  to  take  fair  retaliation  and 
belabor  Peter  Stuyvesant  as  hard  as  they  please. 

Therefore  stand  by  for  broken  heads  and  bloody  noses! 
My  pen  hath  long  itched  for  a battle — siege  after  siege  have 
I carried  on  without  blows  or  bloodshed;  but  now  I have 
at  length  got  a chance,  and  I vow  to  Heaven  and  St.  Nich- 
olas that,  let  the  chroniclers  of  the  times  say  what  they 
please,  neither  Sallust,  Livy,  Tacitus,  Polybius,  nor  any 
other  historian  did  ever  record  a fiercer  fight  than  that  in 
which  my  valiant  chieftains  are  now  about  to  engage. 

And  you,  0 most  excellent  readers,  whom  for  your  faith- 
ful adherence  I could  cherish  in  the  warmest  corner  of  my 
heart,  be  not  uneasy;  trust  the  fate  of  our  favorite  Stuy- 
vesant with  me,  for,  by  the  rood,  come  what  may,  Fll 
stick  by  Hardkoppig  Piet  to  the  last.  Fll  make  him  drive 
about  these  losels  vile  as  did  the  renowned  Launcelot  of 
the  Lake  a herd  of  recreant  Cornish  knights;  and  if  he 
does  fall,  let  me  never  draw  my  pen  to  fight  another  battle 
in  behalf  of  a brave  man  if  I don't  make  these  lubberly 
Swedes  pay  for  it. 

No  sooner  had  Peter  Stuyvesant  arrived  before  Fort 
Christina  than  he  proceeded  without  delay  to  intrench  him- 
self, and  immediately  on  running  his  first  paraded  dis- 
patched Antony  Van  Corlear  to  summon  the  fortress  to 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


255 


surrender.  Van  Corlear  was  received  with  all  due  formal- 
ity, hoodwinked  at  the  portal,  and  conducted  through  a 
pestiferous  smell  of  salt  fish  and  onions  to  the  citadel,  a 
substantial  hut  built  of  pine  logs.  His  eyes  were  here 
uncovered,  and  he  found  himself  in  the  august  presence  of 
Governor  Risingh.  This  chieftain,  as  I have  before  noted, 
was  a very  giantly  man,  and  was  clad  in  a coarse  blue 
coat  strapped  round  the  waist  with  a leathern  belt,  which 
caused  the  enormous  skirts  and  pockets  to  set  off  with 
a very  warlike  sweep.  His  ponderous  legs  were  cased  in 
a pair  of  foxy-colored  jack-boots,  and  he  was  straddling 
in  the  attitude  of  the  Colossus  of  Rhodes  before  a bit  of 
broken  looking-glass,  shaving  himself  with  a villainously 
dull  razor.  This  afflicting  operation  caused  him  to  make 
a series  of  horrible  grimaces,  which  heightened  exceedingly 
the  grisly  terrors  of  his  visage.  On  Antony  Van  Corlear's 
being  announced  the  grim  commander  paused  for  a moment 
in  the  midst  of  one  of  his  most  hard-favored  contortions, 
and  after  eyeing  him  askance  over  the  shoulder,  with  a 
kind  of  snarling  grin  on  his  countenance,  resumed  his 
labors  at  the  glass. 

This  iron  harvest  being  reaped,  he  turned  once  more  to 
the  trumpeter  and  demanded  the  purport  of  his  errand. 
Antony  Van  Corlear  delivered  in  a few  words,  being  a kind 
of  short-hand  speaker,  a long  message  from  His  Excellency, 
recounting  the  whole  history  of  the  province,  with  a re- 
capitulation of  grievances  and  enumeration  of  claims,  and 
concluding  with  a peremptory  demand  of  instant  surrender ; 
which  done,  he  turned  aside,  took  his  nose  between  his 
thumb  and  finger,  and  blew  a tremendous  blast,  not  unlike 
the  flourish  of  a trumpet  of  defiance,  which  it  had  doubt- 
less learned  from  a long  and  intimate  neighborhood  with 
that  melodious  instrument. 

Governor  Risingh  heard  him  through,  trumpet  and  all, 
but  with  infinite  patience,  leaning  at  times,  as  was  his  usual 
custom,  on  the  pommel  of  his  sword,  and  at  times  twirling 
a huge  steel  watch-chain  or  snapping  his  fingers.  Van 
Corlear  having  finished,  he  bluntly  replied  that  Peter 

Stuyvesant  and  his  summons  might  go  to  the  d 1, 

whither  he  hoped  to  send  him  and  his  crew  of  ragamuffins 
before  supper-time.  Then  unsheathing  his  brass-hilted 
sword  and  throwing  away  the  scabbard,  “ Tor  gad,”  quod 
he,  “ but  I will  not  sheathe  thee  again  until  I make  a scab- 


256 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


bard  of  the  smoke-dried  leathern  hide  of  this  runagate 
Dutchman/*  Then,  having  flung  a tierce  defiance  in  the 
teeth  of  his  adversary  by  the  lips  of  his  messenger,  the  lat- 
ter was  reconducted  to  the  portal  with  all  the  ceremonious 
civility  due  to  the  trumpeter,  squire,  and  ambassador  of  so 
great  a commander,  and,  being  again  unblinded,  was 
courteously  dismissed  with  a tweak  of  the  nose  to  assist 
him  in  recollecting  his  message. 

No  sooner  did  the  gallant  Peter  receive  this  insolent 
reply  than  he  let  fly  a tremendous  volley  of  red-hot  ex- 
ecrations, which  would  infallibly  have  battered  down  the 
fortifications  and  blown  up  the  powder-magazine  about  the 
ears  of  the  fiery  Swede  had  not  the  ramparts  been  remark- 
ably strong  and  the  magazine  bomb-proof.  Perceiving  that 
the  works  withstood  this  terrific  blast,  and  that  it  was  utter- 
ly impossible  (as  it  really  was  in  those  unphilosophic  days) 
to  carry  on  a war  with  words,  he  ordered  his  merry  men 
all  to  prepare  for  an  immediate  assault.  But  here  a strange 
murmur  broke  out  among  his  troops,  beginning  with  the 
tribe  of  the  Van  Bummels,  those  valiant  trenchermen  of 
the  Bronx,  and  spreading  from  man  to  man,  accompanied 
with  certain  mutinous  looks  and  discontented  murmurs. 
For  once  in  his  life,  and  only  for  once,  did  the  great  Peter 
turn  pale,  for  he  verily  thought  his  warriors  were  going  to 
falter  in  this  hour  of  perilous  trial,  and  thus  to  tarnish 
forever  the  fame  of  the  province  of  New  Netherlands. 

But  soon  did  he  discover,  to  his  great  joy,  that  in  this 
suspicion  he  deeply  wronged  this  most  undaunted  army  ; 
for  the  cause  of  this  agitation  and  uneasiness  simply  was 
that  the  hour  of  dinner  was  at  hand,  and  it  would  have 
almost  broken  thediearts  of  these  regular  Dutch  warriors 
to  have  broken  in  upon  the  invariable  routine  of  their 
habits.  Besides,  it  was  an  established  rule  among  our 
ancestors  always  to  fight  upon  a full  stomach  ; and  to  this 
may  be  doubtless  attributed  the  circumstance  that  they 
came  to  be  so  renowned  in  arms. 

And  now  are  the  hearty  men  of  the  Manhattoes  and 
their  no  less  hearty  comrades  all  lustily  engaged  under  the 
trees,  buffeting  stoutly  with  the  contents  of  their  wallets, 
and  taking  such  affectionate  embraces  of  their  canteens 
and  pottles  as  though  they  verily  believed  they  were  to  be 
the  last.  And  as  I foresee  we  shall  have  hot  work  in  a 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


257 


page  or  two,  1 advise  my  readers  to  do  the  same,  for 
which  purpose  I will  bring  this  chapter  to  a close,  giving 
them  my  word  of  honor  that  no  advantage  shall  be  taken 
of  this  armistice  to  surprise  or  in  any  wise  molest  the  hon- 
est Nederlandters  while  at  their  vigorous  repast. 


258 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

CONTAINING  THE  MOST  HORRIBLE  BATTLE  EVER  RECORDED 

IN  POETRY  OR  PROSE;  WITH  THE  ADMIRABLE  EXPLOITS 

OF  PETER  THE  HEADSTRONG. 

“Now  had  the  Dutchmen  snatched  a huge  repast,” 
and,  finding  themselves  wonderfully  encouraged  and  ani- 
mated thereby  prepared  to  take  the  field.  Expectation, 
says  the  writer  of  the  Stuyvesant  manuscript — expectation 
now  stood  on  stilts.  The  world  forgot  to  turn  round,  or 
rather  stood  still,  that  it  might  witness  the  affray,  like  a 
round-bellied  alderman  watching  the  combat  of  two  chival- 
rous flies  upon  his  jerkin.  The  eyes  of  all  mankind,  as 
usual  in  such  cases,  were  turned  upon  Fort  Christina. 
The  sun,  like  a little  man  in  a crowd  at  a puppet-show, 
scampered  about  the  heavens,  popping  his  head  here  and 
there,  and  endeavoring  to  get  a peep  between  the  unman- 
nerly clouds  that  obtruded  themselves  in  his  way.  The 
historians  filled  their  inkhorns;  the  poets  went  without 
their  dinners,  either  that  they  might  buy  paper  and  goose- 
quills  or  because  they  could  not  get  anything  to  eat;  Antiq- 
uity scowled  sulkily  out  of  its  grave  to  see  itself  outdone 
while  even  Posterity  stood  mute,  gazing  in  gaping  ecstacy 
of  retrospection  on  the  eventful  field. 

The  immortal  deities,  who  whilom  had  seen  service  at  the 
“affair”  of  Troy,  now  mounted  their  feather-bed  clouds 
and  sailed  over  the  plain,  or  mingled  among  the  combat- 
ants in  different  disguises,  all  itching  to  have  a finger  in 
the  pie.  Jupiter  sent  off  his  thunderbolt  to  a noted  cop- 
persmith to  have  it  furbished  up  for  the  direful  occasion. 
Venus  vowed  by  her  chastity  to  patronize  the  Swedes,  and 
in  semblance  of  a blear-eyed  trull  paraded  the  battlements 
of  Fort  Christina,  accompanied  by  Diana  as  a sergeants 
widow  of  cracked  reputation.  The  noted  bully  Mars  stuck 
two  horse-pistols  into  his  belt,  shouldered  a rusty  firelock, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


259 


and  gallantly  swaggered  at  their  elbow  as  a drunken  cor- 
poral; while  Apollo  trudged  in  their  rear  as  a bandy-legged 
lifer,  playing  most  villainously  out  of  tune. 

On  the  other  side,  the  ox-eyed  Juno,  who  had  gained  a 
pair  of  black  eyes  overnight  in  one  of  her  curtain  lectures 
with  old  Jupiter,  displayed  her  haughty  beauties  on  a bag- 
gage-wagon;  Minerva  as  a brawny  gin-suttler  tucked  up  her 
skirts,  brandished  her  lists,  and  swore  most  heroically  in 
exceeding  bad  Dutch  (having  but  lately  studied  the  lan- 
guage) by  way  of  keeping  up  the  spirits  of  the  soldiers; 
while  Vulcan  halted  as  a club-footed  blacksmith  lately  pro- 
moted to  be  a captain  of  militia.  All  was  silent  awe  or 
bustling  preparation:  War  reared  his  horrid  front,  gnashed 
loud  his  iron  fangs,  and  shook  his  direful  crest  of  bristling 
bayonets. 

And  now  the  mighty  chieftains  marshalled  out  their 
hosts.  Here  stood  stout  Risingh,  firm  as  a thousand  rocks, 
incrusted  with  stockades,  and  intrenched  to  the  chin  in 
mud  batteries.  His  valiant  soldiery  lined  the  breastwork 
in  grim  array,  each  having  his  mustachios  fiercely  greased 
and  his  hair  pomatumed  back,  and  queued  so  stiffly  that 
he  grinned  above  the  ramparts  like  a grisly  death's  bead. 

There  came  on  the  intrepid  Peter,  his  brows  knit,  his 
teeth  set,  his  fists  clinched,  almost  breathing  forth  volumes 
of  smoke,  so  fierce  was  the  fire  that  raged  within  his  bosom. 
His  faithful  squire  Van  Corlear  trudged  valiantly  at  his 
heels,  with  his  trumpet  gorgeously  bedecked  with  red  and 
yellow  ribbons,  the  remembrances  of  his  fair  mistresses  at 
the  Manhattoes.  Then  came  waddling  on  the  sturdy  chiv- 
alry of  the  Hudson.  There  were  the  Van  Wycks,  and 
the  Van  Dycks,  and  the  Ten  Eycks;  the  Van  Nesses,  the 
Van  Tassels,  the  Van  Grolls,  the  Van  Hcesens,  the  Van 
Giesons,  and  theVan  Blarcoms;  and  Van  Warts,  the  Van 
Winkles,  the  Van  Dams;  the  Van  Pelts,  the  Van  Rippers, 
and  the  Van  Brunts.  There  were  the  Van  Hornes,  the  Van 
Hooks,  the  Van  Bunschotens;  the  Van  Gelders,  the  Van 
Arsdales,  and  the  Van  Bummels;  the  Vander  Belts,  the 
Vander  Hoofs,  the  Vander  Voorts,  the  Vander  Lyns,  the 
Vander  Pools,  and  the  Vander  Spiegles.  There  came  the 
Hoffmans,  the  Hooghlands,  the  Hoppers,  the  Choppers,  the 
Ryckmans,  the  Dyckmans,  the  Hogebooms,  the  Rosebooms, 
the  Oothouts,  the  Quackenbosses,  the  Roerbacks,  the  Gar- 
rebrantzes,  the  Bensons,  the  Brouwers,  the  Waldrons,  the 


260 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Onderdonks,  the  Varra  Vangers,  the  Schermerhorns,  the 
Stoutenburghs,  the  Brinkerhoffs,  the  Bontecous,  the  Knick- 
erbockers, the  Hockstrassers,  the  Ten  Breecheses,  and  the 
Tough  Breecheses,  with  a host  more  of  worthies  whose 
names  are  too  crabbed  to  be  written,  or  if  they  could  be 
written  it  would  be  impossible  for  man  to  utter — all  forti- 
fied with  a mighty  dinner,  and,  to  use  the  words  of  a great 
Dutch  poet: 

“Brimful  cf  wrath  and  cabbage. ” 

For  an  instant  the  mighty  Peter  paused  in  the  midst  of 
his  career,  and,  mounting  on  a stump,  addressed  his  troops 
in  eloquent  Low  Dutch,  exhorting  them  to  fight  like  duy - 
vels,  and  assuring  them  that  if  they  conquered  they  should 
get  plenty  of  booty;  if  they  fell  they  should  be  allowed  the 
satisfaction,  while  dying,  of  reflecting  that  it  was  in  the 
service  of  their  country,  and  after  they  were  dead  of  see- 
ing their  names  inscribed  in  the  temple  of  renown,  and 
handed  down,  in  company  with  all  the  other  great  men 
of  the  year,  for  the  admiration  of  prosterity.  Finally,  he 
swore  to  them,  on  the  word  of  a governor  (and  they  knew 
him  too  well  to  doubt  it  for  a moment),  that  if  he  caught 
any  mother's  son  of  them  looking  pale  or  playing  craven, 
he  would  curry  his  hide  till  he  made  him  run  out  of  it  like 
a snake  in  spring-time.  Then,  lugging  out  his  trusty  saber, 
he  brandished  it  three  times  over  his  head,  ordered  Van 
Corlear  to  sound  the  charge,  and,  shouting  the  words,  “St. 
Nicholas  and  the  Manhattoes!”  corageously  dashed  for- 
ward. His  warlike  followers,  who  had  employed  the 
interval  in  lighting  their  pipes,  instantly  stuck  them  into 
their  mouths,  gave  a furious  puff,  and  charged  gallantly 
under  cover  of  the  smoke. 

The  Swedish  garrison,  ordered  by  the  cunning  Risingh 
not  to  fire  until  they  could  distinguish  the  whites  of  their 
assailants  eyes,  stood  in  horrid  silence  on  the  covert-way 
until  the  eager  Dutchmen  had  ascended  the  glacis.  Then 
did  they  pour  into  them  such  a tremendous  volley  that 
the  very  hills  quaked  around,  and  were  terrified  even  unto 
an  incontinence  of  water,  insomuch  that  certain  springs 
burst  forth  from  their  sides  which  continue  to  run  unto  the 
present  day.  Not  a Dutchman  but  would  have  bitten  the 
dust  beneath  that  dreadful  fire  had  not  the  protecting 
Minerva  kindly  taken  care  that  the  Swedes  should,  one  and 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


261 


all,  observe  their  usual  custom  of  shutting  their  eyes  and 
turning  away  their  heads  at  the  moment  of  discharge. 

The  Swedes  followed  up  their  fire  by  leaping  the  coun- 
terscarp and  falling  tooth  and  nail  upon  the  foe  with  fu- 
rious outcries.  And  now  might  be  seen  prodigies  of  valor 
unmatched  in  history  or  song.  Here  was  the  sturdy  Stuf- 
fel  Brinkerhoff  brandishing  his  quarter-staff,  like  the  giant 
Blanderon  his  oak  tree  (for  he  scorned  to  carry  any  other 
weapon),  and  drumming  a horrific  tune  upon  the  hard 
heads  of  the  Swedish  soldiery.  There  were  the  Van  Kort- 
landts,  posted  at  a distance,  like  the  Locrian  archers  of 
yore,  and  plying  it  most  potently  with  the  long-bow,  for 
which  they  were  so  justly  renowTned.  On  a rising  knoll 
were  gathered  the  valiant  men  of  Sing-Sing,  assisting  mar- 
velously in  the  fight  by  chanting  the  great  song  of  St. 
Nicholas;  but  as  to  the  Gardeniers  of  Hudson,  they  were 
absent  on  a marauding-party,  laying  waste  the  neighboring 
watermelon-patches. 

In  a different  part  of  the  field  were  the  Van  Grolls  of 
Antony’s  nose,  struggling  to  get  to  the  thickest  of  the 
fight,  but  horribly  perplexed  in  a defile  between  two  hills 
by  reason  of  the  length  of  their  noses.  So  also  the  Van 
Bunschotens  of  Nyack  and  Kakiat,  so  renowned  for  kick- 
ing with  the  left  foot,  were  brought  to  a stand  for  want  of 
wind  in  consequence  of  the  hearty  dinner  they  had  eaten 
and  would  have  been  put  to  utter  rout  but  for  the  arrival 
of  a gallant  corps  of  voltigeurs,  composed  of  the  Hoppers, 
who  advanced  nimbly  to  their  assistance  on  one  foot. 
Nor  must  I omit  to  mention  the  valiant  achievements  of 
Antony  Van  Corlear,  who  for  a good  quarter  of  an  hour 
waged  stubborn  fight  with  a little  pursy  Swedish  drum- 
mer, whose  hide  he  drummed  most  magnificently,  and 
whom  he  would  infallibly  have  annihilated  on  the  spot  but 
that  he  had  come  into  the  battle  with  no  other  weapon  but 
his  trumpet. 

But  now  the  combat  thickened.  On  came  the  mighty 
Jacobus  Varra  Vanger  and  the  fighting  men  of  the  Wall- 
about;  after  them  thundered  the  Van  Pelts  of  Esopus,  to- 
gether with  the  Van  Rippers  and  the  Van  Brunts,  bearing 
down  all  before  them;  then  the  Suy  Dams  and  the  Van 
Dams,  pressing  forward  with  many  a blustering  oath  at  the 
head  of  the  warriors  of  Hell-gate,  clad  in  their  thunder- 
and-lightning  gaberdines;  and  lastly  the  standard-bearers 


262 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


and  body-guards  of  Peter  Stuyvesant,  bearing  the  great 
beaver  of  the  Manhattoes. 

And  now  commenced  the  horrid  din,  the  desperate  strug- 
gle, the  maddening  ferocity,  the  frantic  desperation,  the 
confusion  and  self-abandonment  of  war.  Dutchman  and 
Swede,  commingled,  tugged,  panted,  and  blowed.  The 
heavens  were  darkened  with  a tempest  of  missiles.  Bang! 
went  the  guns — whack!  went  the  broadswords — thump! 
went  the  cudgels — crash!  went  the  musket-stocks — blows, 
kicks,  cuffs,  scratches,  black  eyes,  and  bloody  noses  swell- 
ing the  horrors  of  the  scene!  Thick  thwack,  cut  and  hack, 
helter-skelter,  higgledy-piggledy,  hurly-burly,  head  over 
heels,  rough  and  tumble!  Dunder  and  blixum!  swore  the 
Dutchmen;  splitter  and  splutter!  cried  the  Swedes;  storm 
the  works!  shouted  Hardkoppig  Pieter;  fire  the  mine! 
roared  stout  Risingh;  tanta-ra-ra-ra!  twanged  the  trum- 
pet of  Antony  Van  Corlear — until  all  voice  and  sound 
became  unintelligible,  grunts  of  pain,  yells  of  fury,  and 
shouts  of  triumph  mingling  in  one  hideous  clamor.  The 
earth  shook  as  if  struck  with  a paralytic  stroke — trees 
shrunk  aghast  and  withered  at  the  sight — rocks  burrowed 
in  the  ground  like  rabbits — and  even  Christina  Creek 
turned  from  its  course  and  ran  up  a hill  in  breathless 
terror! 

Long  hung  the  contest  doubtful,  for  though  a heavy 
shower  of  rain,  sent  by  the  “ cloud  compelling  Jove,”  in 
some  measure  cooled  their  ardor,  as  doth  a bucket  of  water 
thrown  on  a group  of  fighting  mastiffs,  yet  did  they  but 
pause  for  a moment,  to  return  with  tenfold  fury  to  the 
charge.  Just  at  this  juncture  a vast  and  dense  column  of 
smoke  was  seen  slowly  rolling  toward  the  scene  of  battle. 
The  combatants  paused  for  a moment,  gazing  in  mute  as- 
tonishment, until  the  wind,  dispelling  the  murky  cloud, 
revealed  the  flaunting  banner  of  Michael  Paw,  the  patroon 
of  Communipaw.  That  valiant  chieftain  came  fearlessly 
on  at  the  head  of  a phalanx  of  oyster-fed  Pavonians  and  a 
corps  de  reserve  of  the  Van  Arsdales  and  Van  Bummels, 
who  had  remained  behind  to  digest  the  enormous  dinner 
they  had  eaten.  These  now  trudged  manfully  forward, 
smoking  their  pipes  with  outrageous  vigor,  so  as  to  raise 
the  awful  cloud  that  has  been  mentioned;  but  marching 
exceedingly  slow,  being  short  of  leg  and  of  great  rotundity 
in  the  belt. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


263 


And  now  the  deities  who  watched  over  the  fortunes  of 
the  Nederlandters  having  unthinkingly  left  the  field  and 
stepped  into  a neighboring  tavern  to  refresh  themselves 
with  a pot  of  beer,  a direful  catastrophe  had  well-nigh  en- 
sued. Scarce  had  the  myrmidons  of  Michael  Paw  attained 
the  front  of  battle,  when  the  Swedes,  instructed  by  the 
cunning  Risingh,  levelled  a shower  of  blows  full  at  their 
tobacco-pipes.  Astounded  at  this  assault  and  dismayed  at 
the  havoc  of  their  pipes,  these  ponderous  warriors  gave 
way  and  like  a drove  of  frightened  elephants  broke  through 
the  ranks  of  their  own  army.  The  little  Hoppers  were 
borne  down  in  the  surge;  the  sacred  banner  emblazoned 
with  the  gigantic  oyster  of  Communipaw  was  trampled 
in  the  dirt;  on  blundered  and  thundered  the  heavy -sterned 
fugitives,  the  Swedes  pressing  on  their  rear  and  applying 
their  feet  a parte  jjoste  of  the  Van  Arsdales  and  the  Van 
Bummels  with  a vigor  that  prodigiously  accelerated  their 
movements,  nor  did  the  renowned  Michael  Paw  himself 
fail  to  receive  divers  grievous  and  dishonorable  visitations 
of  shoe-leather. 

But  what,  0 Muse!  was  the  rage  of  Peter  Stuyvesant 
when  from  afar  he  saw  his  army  giving  way!  In  the 
transports  of  his  wrath  he  sent  forth  a roar  enough  to 
shake  the  very  hills.  The  men  of  the  Manhattoes  plucked 
up  new  courage  at  the  sound,  or,  rather,  they  rallied  at  the 
voice  of  their  leader,  of  whom  they  stood  more  in  awe  than 
of  all  the  Swedes  in  Christendom.  Without  waiting  for 
their  aid  the  daring  Peter  dashed,  sword  in  hand,  into  the 
thickest  of  the  foe.  Then  might  be  seen  achievements 
worthy  of  the  days  of  the  giants.  Wherever  he  went  the 
enemy  shrank  before  him;  the  Swedes  fled  to  right  and 
left  or  were  driven,  like  dogs,  into  their  own  ditch;  but  as 
he  pushed  forward  singly  with  headlong  courage  the  foe 
closed  behind  and  hung  upon  his  rear.  One  aimed  a blow 
full  at  his  heart;  but  the  protecting  power  which  watches 
over  the  great  and  good  turned  aside  the  hostile  blade  and 
directed  it  to  a side-pocket,  where  reposed  an  enormous 
iron  tobacco-box,  endowed,  like  the  shield  of  Achilles,  with 
supernatural  powers,  doubtless  from  bearing  the  portrait 
of  the  blessed  St.  Nicholas.  Peter  Stuyvesant  turned  like 
an  angry  bear  upon  the  foe,  and  seizing  him  as  he  fled  by 
an  immeasurable  queue,  “Ah,  whoreson  caterpiller!”  roared 
he,  “here’s  what  shall  make  worm’s  meat  of  thee!”  So 


264 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


saying,  he  whirled  his  sword  and  dealt  a blow  that  would 
have  decapitated  the  varlet,  but  that  the  pitying  steel  struck 
short  and  shaved  the  queue  forever  from  his  crown.  At 
this  moment  an  arquebusier  levelled  hispiece  from  a neigh- 
boring mound  with  deadly  aim;  but  the  watchful  Minerva, 
who  had  just  stopped  to  tie  up  her  garter,  seeing  the  peril 
of  her  favorite  hero,  sent  old  Boreas  with  his  bellows,  who 
as  the  match  descended  to  the  pan  gave  a blast  that  blew 
the  priming  from  the  touch-hole. 

Thus  waged  the  fight,  when  the  stout  Risingh,  surveying 
the  field  from  the  top  of  a little  ravelin,  perceived  his  troops 
banged,  beaten,  and  kicked  by  the  invincible  Peter.  Draw- 
ing his  falchion  and  uttering  a thousand  anathemas,  he 
strode  down  to  the  scene  of  combat  with  some  such  thun- 
dering strides  as  Jupiter  is  said  by  Hesiod  to  have  taken 
when  he  strode  down  the  spheres  to  hurl  his  thunderbolts 
at  the  Titans. 

When  the  rival  heroes  came  face  to  face  each  made  a 
prodigious  start  in  the  style  of  a veteran  stage  champion. 
Then  did  they  regard  each  other  for  a moment  with  the 
bitter  aspect  of  two  furious  rain-cats  on  the  point  of  a 
clapper-clawing.  Then  did  they  throw  themselves  into  one 
attitude,  then  into  another,  striking  their  swords  on  the 
ground  first  on  the  right  side,  then  on  the  left;  at  last  at 
it  they  went  with  incredible  ferocity.  Words  cannot  tell 
the  prodigies  of  strength  and  valor  displayed  in  this  dire- 
ful encounter — an  encounter  compared  to  which  the  far- 
famed  battles  of  Ajax  with  Hector,  of  iEneas  with  Turnus, 
Orlando  with  Rodomont,  Guy  of  Warwick  with  Colbrand 
the  Dane,  or  of  that  renowned  Welsh  knight  Sir  Owen  of 
the  mountains  with  the  giant  Guylon,  were  all  gentle 
sports  and  holiday  recreations.  At  length  the  valiant 
Peter,  watching  his  opportunity,  aimed  a blow,  enough  to 
cleave  his  adversary  to  the  very  chine;  but  Risingh  nimbly 
raising  his  sword,  warded  it  off  so  narrowly  that  glancing 
on  one  side,  it  shaved  away  a huge  canteen  in  which  he 
carried  his  liquor;  thence,  pursuing  its  trenchant  course, 
it  severed  off  a deep  coat-pocket  stored  with  bread  and 
cheese;  which  provant,  rolling  among  the  armies,  occa- 
sioned a fearful  scrambling  between  the  Swedes  and  Dutch- 
men, and  made  the  general  battle  to  wax  ten  times  more 
furious  than  ever. 

Enraged  to  see  his  military  stores  laid  waste^  the  stout 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


265 


Risingh,  collecting  all  liis  forces,  aimed  a miglity  blow  full 
at  the  heroe’s  crest.  In  vain  did  bis  fierce  little  cocked  hat 
oppose  its  course.  The  bitting  steel  clove  through  the  stub- 
born ram  beaver,  and  would  have  cracked  the  crown  of 
any  one  not  endowed  with  supernatural  hardness  of  head; 
but  the  brittle  weapon  shivered  in  pieces  on  the  skull  of 
Hardkoppig  Piet,  shedding  a thousand  sparks  like  beams 
of  glory  round  his  grizzly  visage. 

The  good  Peter  reeled  with  the  blow,  and,  turning  up 
his  eyes,  beheld  a thousands  suns,  beside  moons  and  stars, 
dancing  about  the  firmament.  At  length,  missing  his  foot- 
ing by  reason  of  his  wooden  leg,  down  he  came  on  his  seat 
of  honor  with  a crash  which  shook  the  surrounding  hills, 
and  might  have  wrecked  his  frame  had  he  not  been  received 
into  a cushion  softer  than  velvet  which  Providence  or 
Minerva  or  St.  Nicholas  or  some  kindly  cow  had  benevo- 
lently prepared  for  his  reception. 

The  furious  Risingh,  in  despite  of  the  maxim,  cherished 
by  all  true  knights,  that  “fair  play  is  a jewel,”  hastened  to 
take  advantage  of  the  heroe’s  fall;  but  as  he  stooped  to  give 
a fatal  blow,  Peter  Stuyvesant  dealt  him  a thwack  over  the 
sconce  with  his  wooden  leg,  which  set  a chime  of  bells 
ringing  triple  bob-majors  in  his  cerebellum.  The  bewil- 
dered Swede  staggered  with  the  blow,  and  the  wary  Peter, 
seizing  a pocket-pistol  which  lay  hard  by,  discharged  it  full 
at  the  head  of  the  reeling  Risingh.  Let  not  my  reader  mis- 
take: it  was  not  a murderous  weapon  loaded  with  powder 
and  ball,  but  a little  sturdy  stone  pottle  charged  to  the 
muzzle  with  a double  dram  of  true  Dutch  courage,  which 
the  knowing  Antony  Van  Corlear  carried  about  him  by 
way  of  replenishing  his  valor,  and  which  had  dropped 
from  his  wallet  during  his  furious  encounter  with  the  drum- 
mer. The  hideous  weapon  sang  through  the  air,  and  true 
to  its  course  as  was  the  fragment  of  a rock  discharged  at 
Hector  by  bully  Ajax,  encountered  the  head  of  the  gigantic 
Swede  with  matchless  violence. 

This  heaven-directed  blow  decided  the  battle.  The  pon- 
derous pericranium  of  General  Jan  Risingh  sank  upon  his 
breast,  his  knees  tottered  under  him,  a dea:h-like  torpor 
seized  upon  his  frame,  and  he  tumbled  to  the  earth  with 
such  violence  that  old  Pluto  started  with  affright,  lest  he 
should  have  broken  through  the  roof  of  his  infernal 
palace. 


266 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


His  fall  was  the  signal  of  defeat  and  victory:  the  Swedes 
gave  way,  the  Dutch  pressed  forward;  the  former  took  to 
their  heels,  the  latter  hotly  pursued.  Some  entered  with 
them,  pell-mell,  through  the  sally-port;  others  stormed  the 
bastion,  and  others  scrambled  over  the  curtain.  Thus  in  a 
little  while  the  fortress  of  Fort  Christina,  which,  like  another 
Troy,  had  stood  a seige  of  full  ten  hours,  was  carried  by 
assault  without  the  loss  of  a single  man  on  either  side. 
Victory,  in  the  likeness  of  a gigantic  ox-fly,  sat  perched 
upon  the  cocked  hat  of  the  gallant  Stuyvesant,  and  it  was 
declared  by  all  the  writers  whom  he  hired  to  write  the 
history  of  his  expedition  that  on  this  memorable  day  he 
gained  a sufficient  quantity  of  glory  to  immortalize  a dozen 
of  the  greatest  heroes  in  Christendom! 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


267 


CHAPTER  IX. 

IN  WHICH  THE  AUTHOR  AND  THE  READER,  WHILE  REPOS- 
ING AFTER  THE  BATTLE,  FALL  INTO  A VERY  GRAVE 
DISCOURSE — AFTER  WHICH  IS  RECORDED  THE  CONDUCT 
OF  PETER  STUYVESANT  AFTER  HIS  VICTORY. 

Thanks  to  St.  Nicholas,  we  have  safely  finished  this 
tremendous  battle:  let  us  sit  down,  my  worthy  reader,  and 
cool  ourselves,  for  I am  in  a prodigious  sweat  and  agitation. 
Truly,  this  fighting  of  battles  is  hot  work,  and  if  your 
great  commanders  did  but  know  what  trouble  they  give 
their  historians,  they  would  not  have  the  conscience  to 
achieve  so  many  horrible  victories.  But  methinks  I hear 
my  reader  complain  that  throughout  this  boasted  battle 
there  is  not  the  least  slaughter,  nor  a single  individual 
maimed,  if  we  except  the  unhappy  Swede  who  was  shorn  of 
his  queue  by  the  trenchant  blade  of  Peter  Stuyvesant;  all, 
which  he  observes,  is  a great  outrage  on  probability  and 
highly  injurious  to  the  interest  of  the  narration. 

This  is  certainly  an  objection  of  no  little  moment,  but 
it  arises  entirely  from  the  obscurity  enveloping  the  remote 
periods  of  time  about  which  I have  undertaken  to  write. 
Thus,  though  doubtless,  from  the  importance  of  the  object 
and  the  prowess  of  the  parties  concerned,  there  must  have 
been  terrible  carnage  and  prodigies  of  valor  displayed  be- 
fore the  walls  of  Christina,  yet,  notwithstanding  that  I have 
consulted  every  history,  manuscript,  and  tradition  touching 
this  memorable  though  long-forgotten  battle,  I cannot  find 
mention  made  of  a single  man  killed  or  wounded  in  the 
whole  affair. 

This  is,  without  doubt,  owing  to  the  extreme  modesty  of 
our  forefathers,  who,  unlike  their  descendants,  were  never 
prone  to  vaunt  of  their  achievements;  but  it  is  a virtue 
which  places  their  historian  in  a most  embarrasing  pre- 
dicament, for,  having  promised  my  readers  a hideous  and 


268 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


unparalled  battle,  and  having  worked  them  up  into  a war- 
like and  bloodthirsty  state  of  mind,  to  put  them  off  with- 
out any  havoc  and  slaughter  would  have  been  as  bitter  a 
disappointment  as  to  summon  a multitude  of.  good  people 
to  attend  an  execution  and  then  cruelly  balk  them  by  a re- 
prieve. 

Had  the  Fates  only  allowed  me  some  half  a score  of  dead 
men,  I had  been  content;  for  I would  have  made  them 
such  heroes  as  abounded  in  the  olden  time,  but  whose  race 
is  now  unfortunately  extinct,  any  one  of  whom,  if  we  may 
believe  those  authentic  writers  the  poets,  could  drive  great 
armies  like  sheep  before  him  and  conquer  and  desolate  whole 
cities  by  his  single  arm. 

But  seeing  that  I had  not  a single  life  at  my  disposal  all 
that  was  left  me  was  to  make  the  most  I could  of  my  battle 
by  means  of  kicks  and  cuffs  and  bruises  and  such  like  ig- 
noble wounds.  And  here  I cannot  but  compare  my  dilem- 
ma, in  some  sort,  to  that  of  the  divine  Milton,  who,  having 
arrayed  with  sublime  preparation  his  immortal  hosts  against 
each  other,  is  sadly  put  to  it  how  to  manage  them,  and  how 
he  shall  make  the  end  of  his  battle  answer  to  the  beginning; 
inasmuch  as,  being  mere  spirits,  he  cannot  deal  a mortal 
blow,  nor  even  give  a flesh  wound  to  any  of  his  combatants. 
For  my  part,  the  greatest  difficulty  I found  was,  when  I 
had  once  put  my  warriors  in  a passion  and  let  them  loose 
into  the  midst  of  the  enemy,  to  keep  them  from  doing  mis- 
chief. Many  a time  had  I to  restrain  the  sturdy  Peter 
from  cleaving  a gigantic  Swede  to  the  very  waistband,  or 
spitting  half  a dozen  little  fellows  on  his  sword  like  so  many 
sparrows.  And  when  I had  set  some  hundred  of  missiles 
flying  in  the  air,  I did  not  dare  to  suffer  one  of  them  to 
reach  the  ground,  lest  it  should  have  put  an  end  to  some 
unlucky  Dutchman. 

The  reader  cannot  conceive  how  mortifying  it  is  to  a 
writer  thus  in  a manner  to  have  his  hands  tied,  and  how 
many  tempting  opportunities  I had  to  wink  at  where  J 
might  have  made  as  fine  a death-blow  as  any  recorded  in 
history  or  song. 

From  my  own  experience  I begin  to  doubt  most  potently 
of  the  authenticity  of  many  of  Homer’s  stories.  I verily 
believe  that  when  he  had  once  launched  one  of  his  favorite 
heroes  among  a crowd  of  the  enemy  he  cut  down  many 
an  honest  fellow  without  any  authority  for  so  doing,  except- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


269 


ing  that  he  presented  a fair  mark,  and  that  often  a poor 
fellow  was  sent  to  grim  Pluto's  domains  merely  because  he 
had  a name  that  would  give  a sounding  turn  to  a period. 
But  I disclaim  all  such  unprincipled  liberties:  let  me  but 
have  truth  and  the  law  on  my  side,  and  no  man  would 
light  harder  than  myself;  but  since  the  various  records  I 
have  consulted  did  not  warrant  it,  I had  too  much  con- 
science to  kill  a single  soldier.  By  St.  Nicholas,  but  it 
would  have  been  a pretty  piece  of  business!  My  enemies, 
the  critics,  who  I foresee  will  be  ready  enough  to  lay  any 
crime  they  can  discover  at  my  door,  might  have  charged 
me  with  murder  outright,  and  I should  have  esteemed 
myself  lucky  to  escape  with  no  harsher  verdict  than  man- 
slaughter! 

And  now,  gentle  reader,  that  we  are  tranquilly  sitting 
down  here,  smoking  our  pipes,  permit  me  to  indulge  in  a 
melancholy  reflection  which  at  this  moment  passes  across 
my  mind.  How  vain,  how  fleeting,  how  uncertain  are  all 
those  gaudy  bubbles  after  which  we  are  panting  and  toiling 
in  this  world  of  fair  delusions!  The  wealth  which  the 
miser  has  amassed  with  so  many  weary  days,  so  many 
sleepless  nights,  a spendthrift  heir  may  squander  away  in 
joyless  prodigality;  the  noblest  monuments  which  pride 
has  ever  reared  to  perpetuate  a name  the  hand  of  time  will 
shortly  tumble  into  ruins;  and  even  the  brightest  laurels, 
gained  by  feats  of  arms,  may  wither  and  be  forever  blighted 
by  the  chilling  neglect  of  mankind.  “How  many  illus- 
trious heroes,"  says  the  good  Boetius,  “who  were  once  the 
pride  and  glory  of  the  age,  hath  the  silence  of  historians 
hurried  in  eternal  oblivion!"  And  this  it  was  that  induced 
the  Spartans,  when  they  went  to  battle,  solemnly  to  sacri- 
fice to  the  Muses,  supplicating  that  their  achievements 
might  be  worthily  recorded.  Had  not  Homer  turned  his 
lofty  lyre,  observes  the  elegant  Cicero,  the  valor  of  Achilles 
had  remained  unsung.  And  such  too,  after  all  the 
toils  and  perils  he  had  braved,  after  all  the  gallant  actions 
he  had  achieved — such  too  had  nearly  been  the  fate  of  the 
chivalric  Peter  Stuyvesant,  but  that  I fortunately  stepped 
in  and  engraved  his  name  on  the  indelible  tablet  of  history, 
just  as  the  caitiff  Time  was  silently  brushing  it  away  for 
ever! 

The  more  I reflect,  the  more  I am  astonished  at  the 
important  character  of  the  historian.  He  is  the  sovereign 


270  HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 

censor  to  decide  upon  the  renown  or  infamy  of  his  fellow- 
men.  He  is  the  patron  of  kings  and  conquerors  on  whom 
it  depends  whether  they  shall  live  in  after  ages  or  be  for- 
gotten as  were  their  ancestors  before  them.  The  tyrant  may 
oppress  while  the  object  of  his  tyranny  exists,  but  the  his- 
torian possesses  superior  might,  for  his  power  extends  even 
beyond  the  grave.  The  shades  of  departed  and  long- for- 
gotten heroes  anxiously  bend  down  from  above  while  he 
writes,  watching  each  movement  of  his  pen,  whether  it 
shall  pass  by  their  names  with  neglect  or  inscribe  them  on 
the  deathless  pages  of  renown.  Even  the  drop  of  ink  which 
hangs  trembling  on  his  pen,  which  he  may  either  dash  upon 
the  floor  or  waste  in  idle  scrawlings,  that  very  drop,  which 
to  him  is  not  worth  the  twentieth  part  of  a farthing,  may 
be  of  incalculable  value  to  some  departed  worthy — may 
elevate  half  a score  in  one  moment  to  immortality  who 
would  have  given  worlds,  had  they  possessed  them,  to 
ensure  the  glorious  meed. 

Let  not  my  readers  imagine,  however,  that  I am  indulg- 
ing in  vainglorious  boastings  or  am  anxious  to  blazon  forth 
the  importance  of  my  tribe.  On  the  contrary,  I shrink 
when  I reflect  on  the  awful  responsibility  we  historians 
assume:  I shudder  to  think  what  direful  commotions  and 
calamities  we  occasion  in  the  world.  I swear  to  thee, 
honest  reader,  as  I am  a man,  I weep  at  the  very  idea  ! 
Why,  let  me  ask,  are  so  many  illustrious  men  daily  tearing 
themselves  away  from  the  embraces  of  their  families,  slight- 
ing the  smiles  of  beauty,  despising  the  allurements  of  fort- 
une, and  exposing  themselves  to  the  miseries  of  war? 
Why  are  kings  desolating  empires  and  depopulating  whole 
countries?  In  short,  what  induces  all  great  men,  of  all 
ages  and  countries,  to  commit  so  many  victories  and  mis- 
deeds, and  inflict  so  many  miseries  upon  mankind  and  upon 
themselves,  but  the  mere  hope  that  some  historian  will 
kindly  take  them  into  notice  and  admit  them  into  a corner 
of  his  volume?  For,  in  short,  the  mighty  object  of  all 
their  toils,  their  hardships,  and  privations  is  nothing  but 
immortal  fame  ; and  what  is  immortal  fame?  Why,  half  a 
page  of  dirty  paper  ! Alas  ! alas  ! how  humiliating  the 
idea  that  the  renown  of  so  great  a man  as  Peter  Stuyvesant 
should  depend  upon  the  pen  of  so  little  a man  as  Diedrich 
Knickerbocker ! 

And  now,  having  refreshed  ou'rselves  after  the  fatigues 


HISTORY  OF  NUW  YORK . 


m 

and  perils  of  the  field,  it  behooves  us  to  return  once  more 
to  the  scene  of  conflict  and  inquire  what  were  the  results  of 
this  renowned  conquest.  The  fortress  of  Christina,  being 
the  fair  metropolis  and  in  a manner  the  key  to  New  Sweden, 
its  capture  was  speedily  followed  by  the  entire  subjugation 
of  the  province.  This  was  not  a little  promoted  by  the 
gallant  and  courteous  deportment  of  the  chivalric  Peter. 
Though  a man  terrible  in  battle,  yet  in  the  hour  of  victory 
was  he  endued  with  a spirit  generous,  merciful,  and  humane. 
He  vaunted  not  over  his  enemies,  nor  did  he  make  defeat 
more  galling  by  unmanly  insults  ; for,  like  that  mirror  of 
knightly  virtue,  the  renowned  Paladin  Orlando,  he  was 
more  anxious  to  do  great  actions  than  to  talk  of  them  after 
they  were  done.  He  put  no  man  to  death,  ordered  no 
houses  to  be  burnt  down,  permitted  no  ravages  to  be  per- 
petrated on  the  property  of  the  vanquished,  and  even  gave 
one  of  his  bravest  officers  a severe  admonishment  with  his 
walking-staff  for  having  been  detected  in  the  act  of 
sacking  a hen-roost. 

He  moreover  issued  a proclamation  inviting  the  inhab- 
itants to  submit  to  the  authority  of  their  High  Mightinesses, 
but  declaring,  with  unexampled  clemency,  that  whoever 
refused  should  be  lodged  at  the  public  expense  in  a goodly 
castle  provided  for  the  purpose,  and  have  an  armed  ret- 
inue to  wait  on  them  in  the  bargain.  In  consequence  of 
these  beneficent  terms  about  thirty  Swedes  stepped  man- 
fully forward  and  took  the  oath  of  allegiance,  in  reward  for 
which  they  were  graciously  permitted  to  remain  on  the 
banks  of  the  Delaware,  where  their  descendants  reside  at 
this  very  day.  I am  told,  however,  by  divers  observant 
travelers  that  they  have  never  been  able  to  get  over  the 
chapfallen  looks  of  their  ancestors,  but  that  they  still  do 
strangely  transmit  from  father  to  son  manifest  marks  of  the 
sound  drubbing  given  them  by  the  sturdy  Amsterdammers. 

The  whole  country  of  New  Sweden,  having  thus  yielded 
to  the  arms  of  the  triumphant  Peter,  was  reduced  to  $ 
colony  called  South  River,  and  placed  under  the  superin- 
tendence of  a lieutenant-governor,  subject  to  the  control  of 
the  supreme  government  of  New  Amsterdam.  This  great 
dignitary  was  called  Mynheer  William  Beekman,  or  rather 
Beck- man,  who  derived  his  surname,  as  did  Ovidius  Naso 
of  yore,  from  the  lordly  dimensions  of  his  nose,  which  pro- 
jected from  the  center  of  his  countenance  like  the  beak  of 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


2 72 

a parrot.  He  was  the  great  progenitor  of  the  tribe  of  the 
Beekmans,  one  of  the  most  ancient  and  honorable  families 
of  the  province,  the  members  of  which  do  gratefully  com- 
memorate the  origin  of  their  dignity — not,  as  your  noble 
families  in  England  would  do,  by  having  a glowing  pro- 
boscis emblazoned  in  their  escutcheon,  but — by  one  and 
all  wearing  a right  goodly  nose  stuck  in  the  very  middle  of 
their  faces. 

Thus  was  this  perilous  enterprise  gloriously  terminated, 
with  the  loss  of  only  two  men — Wolfert  Van  Horne,  a tall 
spare  man,  who  was  knocked  overboard  by  the  boom  of  a 
sloop  in  a flaw  of  wind;  and  fat  Brom  Van  Bummel,  who 
was  suddenly  carried  off  by  an  indigestion;  both,  however, 
were  immortalized  as  having  bravely  fallen  in  the  service 
of  their  country.  True  it  is,  Peter  Stuyvesant  had  one  of 
his  limbs  terribly  fractured  in  the  act  of  storming  the  for- 
tress, but  as  it  was  fortunately  his  wooden  leg,  the  wound 
was  promptly  and  effectually  healed. 

And  now  nothing  remains  to  this  branch  of  my 
history  but  to  mention  that  this  immaculate  hero  and  his 
victorious  army  returned  joyously  to  the  Manhattoes,  where 
they  made  a solemn  triumphant  entry,  bearing  with  them 
the  conquered  Risingh  and  the  remnant  of  his  battered 
crew  who  had  refused  allegiance;  for  it  appears  that  the 
gigantic  Swede  had  only  fallen  into  a swoon  at  the  end  of 
the  battle,  from  which  he  was  speedily  restored  by  a whole- 
some tweak  of  the  nose. 

These  captive  heroes  were  lodged,  according  to  the  prom- 
ise of  the  governor,  at  the  public  expense,  in  a fair  and 
spacious  castle,  being  the  prison  of  state,  of  which  Stoffel 
Brinkerhoff,  the  immortal  conqueror  of  Oyster  Bay,  was 
appointed  governor,  and  which  has  ever  since  remained  in 
the  possession  of  his  descendants.* 

It  was  a pleasant  and  goodly  sight  to  witness  the  joy  of 
the  people  of  New  Amsterdam  at  beholding  their  warriors 
once  more  returned  from  this  war  in  the  wilderness.  The  old 
women  thronged  round  Antony  Van  Corlear,  who  gave  the 
whole  history  of  the  campaign  with  matchless  accuracy, 
saving  that  he  took  the  credit  of  fighting  the  whole  battle 
himself  and  especially  of  vanquishing  the  stout  Risingh; 

* This  castle,  though  very  much  altered  and  modernized,  is  still 
in  being,  and  stands  at  the  corner  of  Pearl  street,  facing  Coentie’s 
slip. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK.  273 

which  he  considered  himself  as  clearly  entitled  to,  seeing 
that  it  was  effected  by  his  own  stone  pottle. 

The  schoolmasters  throughout  the  town  gave  holiday  to 
their  little  urchins,  who  followed  in  droves  after  the 
drums,  with  paper  caps  on  their  heads  and  sticks  in  their 
breeches,  thus  taking  the  first  lesson  in  the  art  of  war. 
As  to  the  sturdy  rabble,  they  thronged  at  the  heels  of 
Peter  Stuyvesant  wherever  he  went,  waving  their 
greasy  hats  in  the  air  and  shouting  “Hardkoppig  Piet 
forever!” 

It  was  indeed  a day  of  roaring  rout*and  jubilee.  A huge 
dinner  was  prepared  at  the  stadthouse  in  honor  of  the  con- 
querers,  where  were  assembled  in  one  glorious  constellation 
the  great  and  little  luminaries  of  New  Amsterdam.  There 
were  the  lordly  schout  and  his  obsequious  deputy;  the 
burgomasters  with  their  officious  schepens  at  their  elbows; 
the  subaltern  officers  at  the  elbows  of  the  schepens;  and  so 
on  down  to  the  lowest  hanger-on  of  police,  every  tag  hav- 
ing his  rag  at  his  side  to  finish  his  pipe,  drink  off  his  heel- 
taps, and  laugh  at  his  flights  of  immortal  dullness.  In 
short — for  a city  feast  is  a city  feast  all  the  world  over, 
and  has  been  a city  feast  ever  since  the  creation — the  din- 
ner went  off  much  the  same  as  do  our  great  corporation 
junketings  and  Fourth-of-July  banquets.  Loads  of  fish, 
flesh,  and  foul  were  devoured,  oceans  of  liquor  drank,  thous- 
ands of  pipes  smoked,  and  many  a dull  joke  honored  with 
much  obstreperous  fat-sided  laughter. 

I must  not  omit  to  mention  that  to  this  far-famed  vic- 
tory Peter  Stuyvesant  was  indebted  for  another  of  his  many 
titles,  for  so  hugely  delighted  were  the  honest  burghers 
with  his  achievements  that  they  unanimously  honored  him 
with  the  name  of  Pieter  de  Groodt — that  is  to  say,  Peter 
the  Great,  or,  as  it  was  translated  into  English  by  the  peo- 
ple of  New  Amsterdam  for  the  benefit  of  their  New  Eng- 
land visitors,  Piet  de  Pig — an  appellation  which  he  main- 
tained even  unto  the  day  of  his  death. 


274 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORE 


BOOK  VII. 

CONTAINING  THE  THIRD  PART  OF  THE  REIGN  OF  PETER 
THE  HEADSTRONG— HIS  TROUBLES  WITH  THE  BRITISH 
NATION;  AND  THE  DECLINE  AND  FALL  OF  THE  DUTCH 
DYNASTY. 


CHAPTER  I. 

HOW  PETER  STUYYESANT  RELIEVED  THE  SOVEREIGN  PEO- 
PLE PROM  THE  BURDEN  OF  TAKING  CARE  OF  THE 

nation;  with  sundry  particulars  of  his  conduct 

IN  TIME  OF  PEACE,  AND  OF  THE  RISE  OF  A GREAT 

DUTCH  ARISTOCRACY. 

The  history  of  the  reign  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  furnishes 
an  edifying  picture  of  the  cares  and  vexations  inseparable 
from  sovereignty,  and  a solemn  warning  to  all  who  are 
ambitious  of  attaining  the  seat  of  honor.  Though  return- 
ing in  triumph  and  crowned  with  victory,  his  exultation 
was  checked  on  observing  the  abuses  which  had  sprung  up 
in  New  Amsterdam  during  his  short  absence.  His  walk- 
ing-staff, which  he  had  sent  home  to  act  as  his  vicegerent, 
had,  it  is  true,  kept  his  council-chamber  in  order,  the  coun- 
cilors eying  it  with  awe  as  it  lay  in  grim  repose  upon  the 
table,  and  smoking  their  pipes  in  silence;  but  its  control 
extended  not  out  of  doors. 

The  populace,  unfortunately,  had  had  too  much  their 
own  way  under  the  slack  though  fitful  reign  of  William 
the  Testy;  and  though  upon  the  accession  of  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant they  had  felt,  with  the  instinctive  perception  which 
mobs  as  well  as  cattle  possess,  that  the  reins  of  govern- 
ment had  passed  into  stronger  hands,  yet  could  they  not 
help  fretting  and  chafing  and  champing  upon  the  bit  in 
restive  silence. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


275 


Scarcely,  therefore,  had  he  departed  on  his  expedition 
against  the  Swedes  than  the  old  factions  of  William  KiefVs 
reign  had  again  thrust  their  heads  above  water.  Pot-house 
meetings  were  again  held  to  “discuss  the  state  of  the  nation," 
where  cobblers,  tinkers,  and  tailors,  the  self  dubbed  “friends 
of  the  people,"  once  more  felt  themselves  inspired  with  the 
gift  of  legislation  and  undertook  to  lecture  on  every  move- 
ment of  government. 

Now,  as  Peter  Stuyvesant  had  a singular  inclination  to 
govern  the  province  by  his  individual  will,  his  first  move 
on  his  return  was  to  put  a stop  to  this  gratuitous  legisla- 
tion. Accordingly,  one  evening,  when  an  inspired  cobbler 
was  holding  forth  to  an  assemblage  of  the  kind,  the  intrepid 
Peter  suddenly  made  his  appearance,  with  his  ominous  walk- 
ing-staff in  his  hand  and  a countenance  sufficient  to  petrify 
a millstone.  The  whole  meeting  was  thrown  into  confu- 
sion; the  orator  stood  aghast,  with  open  mouth  and  trem- 
bling knees,  while  “horror!  tyranny!  liberty!  rights! 
taxes!  death!  destruction!"  and  a host  of  other  patriotic 
phrases  were  bolted  forth  before  he  had  time  to  close  his 
lips.  Peter  took  no  notice  of  the  skulking  throng,  but 
strode  up  to  the  brawling  bully-ruffian,  and,  pulling  out  a 
huge  silver  watch,  which  might  have  served  in  times  of 
yore  as  a town-clock,  and  which  is  still  retained  by  his 
descendants  as  a family  curiosity,  requested  the  orator  to 
mend  it  and  set  it  going.  The  orator  humbly  confessed  it 
was  utterly  out  of  his  power,  as  he  was  unacquainted  with 
the  nature  of  its  construction.  “Nay,  but,"  said  Peter,  “try 
your  ingenuity,  man:  you  see  all  the  springs  and  wheels, 
and  how  easily  the  clumsiest  hand  may  stop  it  and  pull  it 
to  pieces;  and  why  should  it  not  be  equally  easy  to  regu- 
late as  to  stop  it?"  The  orator  declared  niathis  trade  was 
wholly  different — that  he  was  a poor  cobbler,  and  had  never 
meddled  with  a watch  in  his  life — that  there  were  men 
skilled  in  the  art  whose  business  it  was  to  attend  to  those 
matters,  but  for  his  part  he  should  only  mar  the  workman- 
ship and  put  the  whole  in  confusion.  “Why,  harkee 
master  of  mine,"  cried  Peter,  turning  suddenly  upon  him 
with  a countenance  that  almost  petrified  the  patcher  of 
shoes  into  a perfect  lapstone,  “dost  thou  pretend  to  med- 
dle with  the  movements  of  government,  to  regulate  and  cor- 
rect and  patch  and  cobble  a complicated  machine,  the  prin- 
ciples of  which  are  above  thy  comprehension,  and  its  sim- 


276 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


plest  operations  too  subtle  for  thy  understanding,  when 
thou  canst  not  correct  a trifling  error  in  a common  piece  of 
mechanism,  the  whole  mystery  of  which  is  open  to  thy 
inspection?  Hence  with  thee  to  the  leather  and  stone  which 
are  emblems  of  thy  head;  cobble  thy  shoes  and  confine  thy- 
self to  the  vocation  for  which  Heaven  has  fitted  thee,  but” 
elevating  his  voice  until  it  made  the  welkin  ring,“  if  ever 
I catch  thee  or  any  of  thy  tribe  meddling  again  with 
affairs  of  government,  by  St.  Nicholas  but  Fll  have  every 
mother’s  bastard  of  ye  flayed  alive,  and  your  hides  stretched 
for  drum-heads,  that  ye  may  thenceforth  make  a noise  to 
some  purpose!  ” 

This  threat  and  the  tremendous  voice  in  which  it  was 
uttered  caused  the  whole  multitude  to  quake  with  fear. 
The  hair  of  the  orator  rose  on  his  head  like  his  own  swine’s 
bristles,  and  not  a knight  of  the  thimble  present  but  his 
heart  died  within  him,  and  he  felt  as  though  he  could  have 
verily  escaped  through  the  eye  of  a needle.  The  assembly 
dispersed  in  silent  consternation;  the  pseudo  statesmen  who 
had  hitherto  undertaken  to  regulate  public  affairs  were 
now  fain  to  stay  at  home,  hold  their  tongues,  and  take  care 
of  their  families;  and  party  feuds  died  away  to  such  a de- 
gree that  many  thriving  keepers  of  taverns  and  dramshops 
were  utterly  ruined  for  want  of  business.  But,  though 
this  measure  produced  the  desired  effect  in  putting  an  ex- 
tinguisher on  the  new  lights  just  brightening  up,  yet  did  it 
tend  to  injure  the  popularity  of  the  great  Peter  with  the 
thinking  part  of  the  community;  that  is  to  say,  that  part 
which  think  for  others  instead  of  for  themselves,  or,  in 
other  words,  who  attend  to  everybody’s  business  but  their 
own.  These  accused  the  old  governor  of  being  highly  aris- 
tocratical;  and  in  truth  there  seems  to  have  been  some 
ground  for  such  an  accusation,  for  he  carried  himself  with 
a lofty  soldier-like  air,  and  was  somewhat  particular  in  his 
dress,  appearing  when  not  in  uniform,  in  rich  apparel  of 
the  antique  flaundrish  cut,  and  was  especially  noted  for 
having  his  sound  leg  (which  was  a very  comely  one)  always 
arrayed  in  a red  stocking  and  high-heeled  shoe. 

Justice  he  often  dispensed  in  the  primitive  patriarchal 
way  seated  on  the  “ stoep  ” before  his  door  under  the  shade 
of  a great  buttonwood  tree;  but  all  visits  of  form  and  state 
were  received  with  something  of  court  ceremony  in  the  best 
parlor,  where  Antony  the  Trumpeter  officiated  as  high 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK, 


277 


chamberlain.  On  public  occasions  he  appeared  with  great 
pomp  of  equipage,  and  always  rode  to  church  in  a yellow 
wagon  with  flaming  red  wheels. 

These  symptoms  of  state  and  ceremony,  as  we  have  hint- 
ed, were  much  cavilled  at  by  the  thinking  (and  talking) 
part  of  the  community.  They  had  been  accustomed  to  find 
easy  access  to  their  former  governors,  and  in  particular  had 
lived  on  terms  of  extreme  intimacy  with  William  the  Testy 
and  they  accused  Peter  Stuyvesant  of  assuming  too  much 
dignity  and  reserve  and  of  wrapping  himself  in  mystery. 
Others,  however,  have  pretended  to  discover  in  all  this  a 
shrewd  policy  on  the  part  of  the  old  governor.  It  is  cer- 
tainly of  the  first  importance,  say  they,  that  a country 
should  be  governed  by  wise  men;  but  then  it  is  almost 
equally  important  that  the  people  should  think  them  wise, 
for  this  belief  alone  can  produce  willing  subordination. 
To  keep  up,  however,  this  desirable  confidence  in  rulers 
the  people  should  be  allowed  to  see  as  little  of  them  as 
possible.  It  is  the  mystery  which  envelops  great  men  that 
gives  them  half  their  greatness.  There  is  a kind  of  super- 
stitious reverence  for  office  which  leads  us  to  exaggerate 
the  merits  of  the  occupant,  and  to  suppose  that  he  must 
be  wiser  than  common  men.  He,  however,  who  gains 
access  to  cabinets  soon  finds  out  by  what  foolishness  the 
world  is  governed.  He  finds  that  there  is  quackery  in 
legislation  as  in  everything  else — that  rulers  have  their 
whims  and  errors  as  well  as  other  men,  and  are  not  so  won- 
derfully superior  as  he  had  imagined,  since  even  he  may 
occasionally  confute  them  in  argument.  Thus  awe  sub- 
sides into  confidence,  confidence  inspires  familiarity,  and 
familiarity  produces  contempt.  Such  was  the  case  say  they 
with  William  the  Testy.  By  making  himself  too  easy  of 
access  he  enabled  every  scrub  politician  to  measure  wits 
with  him,  and  to  find  out  the  true  dimensions  no.t  only  of 
his  person,  but  of  his  mind;  and  thus  it  was  that  by  being 
familiarly  scanned  he  was  discovered  to  be  a very  little 
man.  Peter  Stuyvesant,  on  the  contrary,  say  they,  by  con* 
ducting  himself  with  dignity  and  loftiness,  was  looked  up 
to  with  great  reverence.  As  he  never  gave  his  reasons  for 
anything  he  did,  the  public  gave  him  credit  for  very  pro- 
found ones;  every  movement,  however  intrinsically  unim- 
portant, was  a matter  of  speculation;  and  his  very  red 


278 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


stockings  excited  some  respect,  as  being  different  from  the 
stockings  of  other  men. 

Another  charge  against  Peter  Stuyvesant  was  that  he 
had  a great  leaning  in  favor  of  the  patricians;  and  indeed 
in  his  time  rose  many  of  those  mighty  Dutch  families 
which  have  taken  such  vigorous  root  and  branched  out  so 
luxuriantly  in  our  State.  Some,  to  be  sure,  were  of  earlier 
date,  such  as  the  Van  Kortlandts,  the  Van  Zandts,  the  Ten 
Broecks,  the  Harden broecks,  and  others  of  Pavonian  re- 
nown, who  gloried  in  the  title  of  “ Discoverers  ” from  hav- 
ing been  engaged  in  the  nautical  expedition  from  Commu- 
nipaw  in  which  they  so  heroically  braved  the  terrors  of  Hell- 
gate  and  Buttermilk  Channel  and  discovered  a site  for  New 
Amsterdam. 

Others  claimed  to  themselves  the  appellation  of  Conquer- 
ors, from  their  gallant  achievements  in  New  Sweden  and 
their  victory  over  the  Yankees  at  Oyster  Bay.  Such  was 
that  list  of  warlike  worthies  heretofore  enumerated,  begin- 
ning with  the  Van  Wycks,  the  Van  Dycks,  and  the  Ten 
Eycks,  and  extending  to  the  Rutgers,  the  Bensons,  the 
Brinkerhoofs,  and  the  Schermerhorns — a roll  equal  to  the 
Doomsday  Book  of  William  the  Conqueror,  and  establishing 
the  heroic  origin  of  many  an  ancient  aristocratical  Dutch 
family.  These,  after  all,  are  the  only  legitimate  nobility 
and  lords  of  the  soil;  these  are  the  real  “beavers  of  the 
Manhattoes;”  and  much  does  it  grieve  me  in  modern  days 
to  see  them  elbowed  aside  by  foreign  invaders,  and  more 
especially  by  those  ingenious  people,  “the  Sons  of  the  Pil- 
grims," who  out-bargain  them  in  the  market,  out-speculate 
them  on  the  exchange,  out-top  them  in  fortune,  and 
run  up  mushroom  palaces  so  high  that  the  tallest  Dutch 
family  mansion  has  not  wind  enough  left  for  its  weather- 
cock. 

In  the  proud  days  of  Peter  Stuyvesant,  however,  the 
good  old  Dutch  aristocracy  loomed  out  in  all  its  grandeur. 
The  burly  burgher,  in  round-crowned  flaundrish  hat  with 
brim  of  vast  circumference,  in  portly  gaberdine  and  bulb- 
ous multiplicity  of  breeches,  sat  on  his  “stoep"and  smok- 
ed his  pipe  in  lordly  silence,  nor  did  it  ever  enter  his  brain 
that  the  active,  restless  Yankee  whom  he  saw  through  his 
half-shut  eyes  worrying  about  in  dog-day  heat,  ever  intent 
on  the  main  chance,  was  one  day  to  usurp  control  over 
these  goodly  Dutch  domains.  Already,  however,  the  races 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


279 


regarded  each  other  with  disparaging  eye.  The  Yankees 
sneeringly  spoke  of  the  round-crowned  burghers  of  the 
Manhattoes  as  the  “ Copperheads;  ” while  the  latter,  glory- 
ing in  their  own  nether  rotundity  and  observing  the  slack 
galligaskins  of  their  rivals  flapping  like  an  empty  sail 
against  the  mast,  retorted  upon  them  with  the  opprobrious 
appellation  of  “ Platter-breeches." 


280 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  II. 

HOW  PETER  STUYVESANT  LABORED  TO  CIVILIZE  THE  COM- 
MUNITY— HOW  HE  WAS  A GREAT  PROMOTER  OF  HOLI- 
DAYS— HOW  HE  INSTITUTED  KISSING  ON  NEW  YEARNS 
DAY — HOW  HE  DISTRIBUTED  FIDDLES  THROUGHOUT 
THE  NEW  NETHERLANDS — HOW  HE  VENTURED  TO  RE- 
FORM THE  LADIES'  PETTICOATS,  AND  HOW  HE  CAUGHT 
A TARTAR. 

From  what  I have  recounted  in  the  foregoing  chapter  I 
would  not  have  it  imagined  that  the  great  Peter  was  a 
tyrannical  potentate  ruling  with  a rod  of  iron.  On  the 
contrary,  where  the  dignity  of  office  permitted  he  abounded 
in  generosity  and  condescension.  If  he  refused  the  brawl- 
ing multitude  the  right  of  misrule,  he  at  least  endeavored 
to  rule  them  in  righteousness.  To  spread  abundance  in  the 
land  he  obliged  the  bakers  to  give  thirteen  loaves  to  the 
dozen — a golden  rule  which  remains  a monument  of  his 
beneficence.  So  far  from  indulging  in  unreasonable  aus- 
terity, he  delighted  to  see  the  poor  and  the  laboring-man 
rejoice,  and  for  this  purpose  he  was  a great  promoter  of 
holidays.  Under  his  reign  there  was  a great  cracking  of 
eggs  at  Paas  or  Easter;  Whitsuntide  or  Pinxter  also 
flourished  in  all  its  bloom ; and  never  were  stockings 
better  filled  on  the  eve  of  the  blessed  St.  Nicholas. 

New  Year's  Day,  however,  was  his  favorite  festival,  and 
was  ushered  in  by  the  ringing  of  bells  and  firing  of  guns. 
On  that  genial  day  the  fountains  of  hospitality  were  broken 
up,  and  the  whoie  community  was  deluged  with  cherry 
brandy,  true  Hollands,  and  mulled  cider  ; every  house  was 
a temple  to  the  jolly  god  ; and  many  a provident  vagabond 
got  drunk  out  of  pure  economy,  taking  in  liquor  enough 
gratis  to  serve  him  half  a year  afterward. 

The  great  assemblage,  however,  was  at  the  governor's 
house,  whither  repaired  all  the  burghers  of  New  Amster- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


281 


dam  with  their  wives  and  daughters,  pranked  out  in  their 
best  attire.  On  this  occasion  the  good  Peter  was  devoutly 
observant  of  the  pious  Dutch  rite  of  kissing  the  women- 
kind  for  a happy  new  year ; and  it  is  traditional  that 
Antony  the  Trumpeter,  who  acted  as  gentleman  usher,  took 
toll  of  all  who  were  young  and  handsome  as  they  passed 
through  the  antechamber.  This  venerable  custom,  thus 
happily  introduced,  was  followed  with  such  zeal  by  high 
and  low,  that  on  New  Year's  Day,  during  the  reign  of 
Peter  Stuyvesant,  New  Amsterdam  was  the  most  thorough- 
ly be-kissed  community  in  all  Christendom. 

Another  great  measure  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  for  public 
improvement  was  the  distribution  of  fiddles  throughout  the 
land.  These  were  placed  in  the  hands  of  veteran  negroes, 
who  were  dispatched  as  missionaries  to  every  part  of  the 
province.  This  measure,  it  is  said,  was  first  suggested  by 
Antony  the  Trumpeter;  and  the  effect  was  marvelous. 
Instead  of  those  “indignation  meetings"  set  on  foot  in  the 
time  of  William  the  Testy,  where  men  met  together  to  rail 
at  public  abuses,  groan  over  the  evils  of  the  times,  and 
make  each  other  miserable,  there  were  joyous  gatherings 
of  the  two  sexes  to  dance  and  make  merry.  Now  were  in- 
stituted “quilting  bees"  and  “husking  bees,"  and  other 
rural  assemblages,  where,  under  the  inspiring  influence  of 
the  fiddle,  toil  was  enlivened  by  gayety  and  followed  up  by 
the  dance.  “Kaising  bees"  also  were  frequent,  where 
houses  sprang  up  at  the  wagging  of  the  fiddlestick,  as  the 
walls  of  Thebes  sprang  up  of  yore  to  the  sound  of  the  lyre 
of  Amphion. 

Jolly  autumn,  which  pours  its  treasures  over  hill  and 
dale,  was  in  those  days  a season  for  the  lifting  of  the  heel 
as  well  as  the  heart;  labor  came  dancing  in  the  train  of 
abundance,  and  frolic  prevailed  throughout  the  land. 
Happy  days!  when  the  yeomanry  of  the  Nieuw  Neder- 
land ts  were  merry  rather  than  wise,  and  when  the  notes  of 
the  fiddle,  those  harbingers  of  good  humor  and  good  will, 
resounded  at  the  close  of  the  day  from  every  hamlet  along 
the  Hudson! 

Nor  was  it  in  rural  communities  alone  that  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant introduced  his  favorite  engine  of  civilization.  Under 
his  rule  the  fiddle  acquired  that  potent  sway  in  New  Am- 
sterdam which  it  has  ever  since  retained.  Weekly  assem- 
blages were  held,  not  in  heated  ballrooms  at  midnight 


282 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


hours,  but  on  Saturday  afternoons,  by  the  golden  light  of 
the  sun,  on  the  green  lawn  of  the  Battery,  with  Antony 
the  Trumpeter  for  master  of  ceremonies.  Here  would  the 
good  Peter  take  his  seat  under  the  spreading  trees,  among 
the  old  burghers  and  their  wives,  and  watch  the  mazes  of 
the  dance.  Here  would  he  smoke  his  pipe,  crack  his  joke, 
and  forget  the  rugged  toils  of  war  in  the  sweet  oblivious 
festivities  of  peace,  giving  a nod  of  approbation  to  those 
of  the  young  men  who  shuffled  and  kicked  most  vigorously, 
and  now  and  then  a hearty  smack,  in  all  honesty  of  soul, 
to  the  buxom  lass  who  held  out  longest  and  tired  down 
every  competitor — infallible  proof  of  her  being  the  best 
dancer. 

Once,  it  is  true,  the  harmony  of  these  meetings  was  in 
danger  of  interruption.  A young  belle  just  returned  from 
a visit  to  Holland,  who  of  course  led  the  fashions,  made 
her  appearance  in  not  more  than  a half  a dozen  petticoats, 
and  these  of  alarming  shortness.  A whisper  and  a flutter 
ran  through  the  assembly.  The  young  men  of  course  were 
lost  in  admiration,  but  the  old  ladies  were  shocked  in  the 
extreme,  especially  those  who  had  marriageable  daughters; 
the  young  ladies  blushed  and  felt  excessively  for  the  “poor 
thing,”  and  even  the  governor  himself  appeared  to  be  in 
some  kind  of  perturbation. 

To  complete  the  confusion  of  the  good  folks,  she  under- 
took, in  the  course  of  a jig,  to  describe  some  figures  in 
algebra  taught  her  by  a dancing- master  at  Rotterdam. 
Unfortunately,  at  the  highest  flourish  of  her  feet  some 
vagabond  zephyr  obtruded  his  services,  and  a display  of 
the  graces  took  place,  at  which  all  the  ladies  present  were 
thrown  into  great  consternation;  several  grave  country 
members  were  not  a little  moved,  and  the  good  Peter 
Stuyvesant  himself  was  grievously  scandalized. 

The  shortness  of  the  female  dresses,  which  had  continued 
in  fashion  ever  since  the  days  of  William  Kieft,  had  long 
offended  his  eye,  and,  though  extremely  averse  to  meddling 
with  the  petticoats  of  the  ladies,  yet  he  immediately  recom- 
mended that  every  one  should  be  furnished  with  a flounce 
to  the  bottom.  He  likewise  ordered  that  the  ladies,  and 
indeed  the  gentlemen,  should  use  no  other  step  in  dancing 
than  “shuffle  and  turn”  and  “double  trouble”  and  for- 
bade, under  pain  of  his  high  displeasure,  any  young  lady 
thenceforth  to  attempt  what  was  termed  “exhibiting  the 
graces.” 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


283 


These  were  the  only  restrictions  he  ever  imposed  upon 
the  sex,  and  these  were  considered  by  them  as  tyrannical 
oppressions,  and  resisted  with  that  becoming  spirit  mani- 
fested by  the  gentle  sex  whenever  their  privileges  are  in- 
vaded. In  fact,  Antony  Van  Corlear — who,  as  has  been 
shown,  was  a sagacious  man,  experienced  in  the  ways  of 
women — took  a private  occasion  to  intimate  to  the  governor 
that  a conspiracy  was  forming  among  the  young  vrouws  of 
of  New  Amsterdam,  and  that  if  the  matter  were  pushed  any 
further,  there  was  danger  of  their  leaving  off  petticoats 
altogether;  whereupon  the  good  Peter  shrugged  his  shoul- 
ders, dropped  the  subject,  and  ever  after  suffered  the  women 
to  wear  their  petticoats  and  cut  their  capers  as  high  as  they 
pleased — a privilege  which  they  have  jealously  maintained 
in  the  Manhattoes  unto  the  present  day. 


284 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


CHAPTER  III. 

HOW  TROUBLES  THICKEN  ON  THE  PROVINCE — HOW  IT  IS 

THREATENED  BY  THE  HELDERBERGERS,  THE  MERRYLAND- 

ERS  AND  THE  GIANTS  OF  THE  SUSQUEHANNA. 

In  the  last  two  chapters  I have  regaled  the  reader  with  a 
delectable  picture  of  the  good  Peter  and  his  metropolis  dur- 
ing an  interval  of  peace.  It  was,  however,  but  a bit  of 
blue  sky  in  a stormy  day;  the  clouds  are  again  gathering 
up  from  all  points  of  the  compass,  and,  if  I am  not  mis- 
taken in  my  forebodings,  we  shall  have  rattling  weather  in 
the  ensuing  chapters. 

It  is  with  some  communities  as  it  is  with  certain  meddle- 
some individuals:  they  have  a wonderful  facility  at  getting 
into  scrapes,  and  I have  always  remarked  that  those  are 
most  prone  to  get  in  who  have  the  least  talent  at  getting 
out  again.  This  is  doubtless  owing  to  the  excessive  valor 
of  those  states,  for  I have  likewise  noticed  that  this  ram- 
pant quality  is  always  most  frothy  and  fussy  where  most 
confined,  which  accounts  for  its  vaporing  so  amazingly  in 
little  states,  little  men,  and  ugly  little  women  more  es- 
pecially. 

Such  is  the  case  with  this  little  province  of  the  Nieuw 
Nederland ts,  which  by  its  exceeding  valor  has  already 
drawn  upon  itself  a host  of  enemies — has  had  fighting 
enough  to  satisfy  a province  twice  its  size,  and  is  in  a fair 
way  of  becoming  an  exceedingly  forlorn,  well-belabored, 
and  woe-begone  little  province.  All  which  was  providen- 
tially ordered  to  give  interest  and  sublimity  to  this  pathetic 
history. 

The  first  interruption  to  the  halcyon  quiet  of  Peter 
Stuyvesant  was  caused  by  hostile  intelligence  from  the  old 
belligerent  nest  of  Rensellaerstein.  Killian,  the  lordly  pa- 
troon  of  Rensellaerwick,  was  again  in  the  field  at  the  head 
of  his  myrmidons  of  the  Helderberg,  seeking  to  annex  the 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


285 


whole  of  the  Kaatskill  Mountains  to  his  domains.  The 
Indian  tribes  of  these  mountains  had  likewise  taken  up  the 
hatchet  and  menaced  the  venerable  Dutch  settlement  of 
Esopus. 

Fain  would  I entertain  the  reader  with  the  triumphant 
campaign  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  in  the  haunted  regions  of 
those  mountains,  but  that  I hold  all  Indian  conflicts  to  be 
mere  barbaric  brawls,  unworthy  of  the  pen  which  has  re- 
corded the  classic  war  of  Fort  Christina;  and  as  to  these 
Helderberg  commotions,  they  are  among  the  flatulencies 
which  from  time  to  time  afflict  the  bowels  of  this  ancient 
province  as  with  a wind-colic,  and  which  I deem  it  seemly 
and  decent  to  pass  over  in  silence. 

The  next  storm  of  trouble  was  from  the  south.  Scarcely 
had  the  worthy  Mynheer  Beekman  got  warm  in  the  seat  of 
authority  on  the  South  River  than  enemies  began  to  spring- 
up  all  around  him.  Hard  by  was  a formidable  race  of  sav- 
ages inhabiting  the  gentle  region  watered  by  the  Susque- 
hanna, of  whom  the  following  mention  is  made  by  Master 
Hariot  in  his  excellent  history: 

“The  Susquesahanocks  are  a giantly  people,  strange  in 
proportion,  behavior,  and  attire,  their  voice  sounding  from 
them  as  out  of  a cave.  Their  tobacco-pipes  were  three 
quarters  of  a yard  long,  carved  at  the  great  end  with  a 
bird,  beare,  or  other  device,  sufficient  to  beat  out  the 
brains  of  a horse.  The  calfe  of  one  of  their  legges  meas- 
ured three  quarters  of  a yard  about;  the  rest  of  the  limbs 
proportionable.”  * 

These  gigantic  savages  and  smokers  caused  no  little  dis- 
quiet in  the  mind  of  Mynheer  Beekman,  threatening  to 
cause  a famine  of  tobacco  in  the  land;  but  his  most  formid- 
able enemy  was  the  roaring,  roystering  English  colony  of 
Maryland,  or,  as  it  was  anciently  written  Merryland,  so 
called  because  the  inhabitants,  not  having  the  fear  of  the 
Lord  before  their  eyes,  were  prone  to  make  merry  and  get 
fuddled  with  mint-julep  and  apple-toddy.  They  were, 
moreover,  great  horse-racers  and  cock-fighters,  mighty 
wrestlers  and  jumpers,  and  enormous  consumers  of  hoe- 
cake  and  bacon.  They  lay  claim  to  be  the  first  inventors 
of  those  recondite  beverages  cock-tail,  stone-fence,  and 
sherry  cobbler,  and  to  have  discovered  the  gastronomical 
merits  of  terrapins,  soft  crabs,  and  canvas-back  ducks. 


* Hariot’s  Journal,  Purcli.  Pilgrims 


286 


HIS  TO  BY  OF  NEW  TOBK. 


This  rantipole  colony,  founded  by  Lord  Baltimore,  a 
British  nobleman,  was  managed  by  his  agent,  a swagger- 
ing Englishman,  commonly  called  Fendall;  that  is  to  say, 
“offend  all,”  a name  given  him  for  his  bullying  propensi- 
ties. These  were  seen  in  a message  to  Mynheer  Beekman, 
threatening  him,  unless  he  immediately  swore  allegiance  to 
Lord  Baltimore  as  the  rightful  lord  of  the  soil,  to  come  at 
the  head  of  the  roaring  boys  of  Merryland  and  the  giants 
of  the  Susquehanna  and  sweep  him  and  his  Nederlandters 
out  of  the  country. 

The  trusty  sword  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  almost  leaped  from 
its  scabbard  when  he  received  missives  from  Mynheer 
Beekman  informing  him  of  the  swaggering  menaces  of 
the  bully  Fendall;  and  as  to  the  giantly  warriors  of  the 
Susquehanna,  nothing  would  have  more  delighted  him 
than  a bout,  hand-to-hand,  with  half  a score  of  them,  hav- 
ing never  encountered  a giant  in  the  whole  course  of  his 
campaigns,  unless  we  may  consider  the  stout  Risingh  as 
such;  and  he  was  but  a little  one. 

Nothing  prevented  his  marching  instantly  to  the  South 
River  and  enacting  scenes  still  more  glorious  than  those  of 
Fort  Christina  but  the  necessity  of  first  putting  a stop  to 
the  increasing  aggressions  and  inroads  of  the  Yankees,  so 
as  not  to  leave  an  enemy  in  his  rear;  but  he  wrote  to  Myn- 
heer Beekman  to  keep  up  a bold  front  and  stout  heart, 
promising,  as  soon  as  he  had  settled  affairs  in  the  east,  that 
h*e  would  hasten  to  the  south  with  his  burly  warriors  of  the 
Hudson,  to  lower  the  crests  of  the  giants  and  mar  the 
merriment  of  the  Merry  landers. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


287 


CHAPTER  IV. 

HOW  PETER  STUYVESANT  ADVENTURED  INTO  THE  EAST 
COUNTRY,  AND  HOW  HE  FARED  THERE. 

To  explain  the  apparently  sudden  movement  of  Peter 
Stuyvesant  against  the  crafty  men  of  the  East  Country, 
I would  observe  that  during  his  campaigns  on  the  South 
River  and  in  the  enchanted  regions  of  the  Catskill  Moun- 
tains the  twelve  tribes  of  the  east  had  been  more  than 
usually  active  in  prosecuting  their  subtle  scheme  for  the 
subjugation  of  the  Nieuw  Nederlandts. 

Independent  of  the  incessant  maraudings  among  hen- 
roosts and  squattings  along  the  border,  invading  armies 
would  penetrate  from  time  to  time  into  the  very  heart 
of  the  country.  As  their  prototypes  of  yore  went  forth 
into  the  land  of  Canaan  with  their  wives  and  their  chil- 
dren, their  men-servants  and  their  maid* servants,  their 
flocks  and  herds,  to  settle  themselves  down  in  the  land 
and  possess  it,  so  these  chosen  people  of  modern  days 
would  progress  through  the  country  in  patriarchal  style, 
conducting  carts  and  wagons  laden  with  household  fur- 
niture, with  women  and  children  piled  on  top  and  pots 
and  kettles  dangling  beneath.  At  the  tail  of  these  vehi- 
cles would  stalk  a crew  of  long-limbed,  lank-sided  var- 
lets,  with  axes  on  their  shoulders  and  packs  on  their  backs, 
resolutely  bent  upon  “locating”  themselves,  as  they  termed 
it,  and  improving  the  country.  These  were  the  most  dan- 
gerous kind  of  invaders.  It  is  true  they  were  guilty  of  no 
overt  acts  of  hostility;  but  it  was  notorious  that  wherever 
they  got  a footing  the  honest  Dutchmen  gradually  disap- 
peared, retiring  slowly  as  do  the  Indians  before  the  white 
men,  being  in  some  way  or  other  talked  and  chaffered  and 
bargained  and  swapped — and,  in  plain  English,  elbowed — 
out  of  all  those  rich  bottoms  and  fertile  nooks  in  which  our 
Dutch  yeomanry  are  prone  to  nestle  themselves. 


288 


BISTORT  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Peter  Stuyyesant  was  at  length  roused  to  this  kind  of 
war  in  disguise,  by  which  the  Yankees  were  craftily  aim- 
ing to  subjugate  his  dominions.  He  was  a man  easily 
taken  in,  it  is  true,  as  all  great-hearted  men  are  apt  to  be; 
but  if  he  once  found  it  out,  his  wrath  was  terrible.  He 
now  threw  diplomacy  to  the  dogs,  determined  to  appear 
no  more  by  ambassadors,  but  to  repair  in  person  to  the 
great  council  of  the  Amphictyons,  bearing  the  sword  in 
one  hand  and  the  olive-branch  in  the  other,  and  giving 
them  their  choice  of  sincere  and  honest  peace  or  open  and 
iron  war. 

His  privy  councilors  were  astonished  and  dismayed 
when  he  announced  his  determination.  For  once  they 
ventured  to  remonstrate,  setting  forth  the  rashness  of  vent- 
uring his  sacred  person  in  the  midst  of  a strange  and  bar- 
barous people.  They  might  as  well  have  tried  to  turn  a 
rusty  weathercock  with  a broken-winded  bellows.  In  the 
fiery  heart  of  the  iron- headed  Peter  sat  enthroned  the  five 
kinds  of  courage  described  by  Aristotle,  and  had  the  phi- 
losopher enumerated  five  hundred  more,  I verily  believe  he 
would  have  possessed  them  all.  As  to  that  better  part  of 
valor  called  discretion,  it  was  too  cold-blooded  a virtue  for 
his  tropical  temperament. 

Summoning  therefore,  to  hispresence  his  trusty  follower, 
Antony  Van  Corlear,  he  commanded  him  to  hold  himself 
in  readiness  to  accompany  him  the  following  morning  on 
this  his  hazardous  enterprise.  Now  Antony  the  Trumpeter 
was  by  this  time  a little  stricken  in  years,  yet  by  dint  of 
keeping  up  a good  heart  and  having  never  known  care  or 
sorrow  (having  never  been  married),  he  was  still  a hearty 
jocund,  rubicund,  gamesome  wag,  and  of  great  capacity  in 
the  doublet.  This  last  was  ascribed  to  his  living  a jolly 
life  on  those  domains  at  the  Hook  which  Peter  Stuyevsant 
had  granted  to  him  for  his  gallantry  at  Fort  Casimir. 

Be  this  as  it  may,  there  was  nothing  that  more  delighted 
Antony  than  this  command  of  the  great  Peter,  for  he  could 
have  followed  the  stout-hearted  old  governor  to  the  world’s 
end  with  love  and  loyalty;  and  he  moreover  still  remem- 
bered the  frolicking  and  dancing  and  bundling  and  other 
disports  of  the  East  Country,  and  entertained  dainty  recol- 
lection of  numerous  kind  and  buxom  lasses  whom  he  longed 
exceedingly  again  to  encounter. 

Thus  then  did  this  mirror  of  hardihood  set  forth,  with 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


289 


no  other  attendant  but  his  trumpeter,  upon  one  of  the  most 
perilous  enterprises  ever  recorded  in  the  annals  of  knight- 
errantry.  For  a single  warrior  to  venture  openly  among 
a whole  nation  of  foes — but,  above  all,  for  a plain,  down- 
right Dutchman  to  think  of  negotiating  with  the  whole 
council  of  New  England!  never  was  there  known  a more 
desperate  undertaking!  Ever  since  I have  entered  upon 
the  chronicles  of  this  peerless  but  hitherto  uncelebrated 
chieftain  has  he  kept  me  in  a state  of  incessant  action  and 
anxiety  with  the  toils  and  dangers  he  is  constantly  encount- 
ering. Oh  for  a chapter  of  the  tranquil  reign  of  Wouter 
Van  Twiller,  that  I might  repose  on  it  as  on  a feather- 
bed! _ 

Is  it  not  enough,  Peter  Stuyvesant,  that  I have  once  al- 
ready rescued  thee  from  the  machinations  of  these  terrible 
Amphictyons  by  bringing  the  powers  of  witchcraft  to  thine 
aid?  Is  it  not  enough  that  I have  followed  thee  undaunt- 
ed, like  a guardian  spirit,  into  the  midst  of  the  horrid  bat- 
tle of  Fort  Christina?  that  I have  been  put  incessantly  to 
my  trumps  to  keep  thee  safe  and  sound,  now  warding  off 
with  my  single  pen  the  shower  of  dastard  blows  that  fell 
upon  thy  rear,  now  narrowly  shielding  thee  from  a deadly 
thrust  by  a mere  tobacco  box,  now  casing  thy  dauntless 
skull  with  adamant,  when  even  thy  stubborn  ram  beaver 
failed  to  resist  the  sword  of  the  stout  Risingh  and  now  not 
merely  bringing  thee  off  alive,  but  triumphant,  from  the 
clutches  of  the  gigantic  Swede  by  the  desperate  means  of  a 
paltry  stone  pottle?  Is  not  all  this  enough,  but  must  thou 
still  be  plunging  into  new  difficulties  and  hazarding  in 
headlong  enterprises  thyself,  thy  trumpeter,  and  thy  his- 
torian? 

And  now  the  ruddy-faced  Aurora,  like  a buxom  cham- 
bermaid, draws  aside  the  sable  curtains  of  the  night,  and 
out  bounces  from  his  bed  the  jolly  red-haired  Phoebus, 
startled  at  being  caught  so  late  in  the  embraces  of  Dame 
Thetis.  With  many  a stable-boy  oath  he  harnesses  his 
brazen-footed  steeds,  an.d  whips  and  lashes  and  splashes  up 
the  firmament,  like  a loitering  coachman  half  an  hour  be- 
hind his  time.  And  now  behold  that  imp  of  fame  and 
prowess,  the  headstrong  Peter,  bestriding  a raw-boned, 
switch-tailed  charger,  gallantly  arrayed  in  full  regimentals 
and  bracing  on  his  thigh  that  trusty  brass-hilted  sword 
which  had  wrought  such  fearful  deeds  on  the  banks  of  the 
Delaware. 


290 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


Behold,  hard  after  him  his  doughty  trumpeter  Van  Cor- 
lear,  mounted  on  a broken-winded,  wall-eyed,  calico  mare, 
his  stone  pottle,  which  had  laid  low  the  mighty  Risingh, 
slung  under  his  arm,  and  his  trumpet  displayed  vauntingly 
in  his  right  hand,  decorated  with  a gorgeous  banner  on 
which  is  emblazoned  the  great  beaver  of  the  Manhattoes. 
See  them  proudly  issuing  out  of  the  city  gate,  like  an  iron- 
clad hero  of  yore  with  his  faithful  squire  at  his  heels,  the 
populace  following  with  their  eyes  and  shouting  many  a 
parting  wish  and  hearty  cheering:  “Farewell,  Hardkoppig 
Piet!”  “Farewell,  honest  Antony!”  “Pleasant  be  your  way- 
faring— prosperous  your  return!  The  stoutest  hero  that 
ever  drew  a sword,  and  the  worthiest  trumpeter  that  ever 
trod  shoe-leather.” 

Legends  are  lamentably  silent  about  the  events  that  be- 
fell our  adventurers  in  this  their  adventurous  travel,  ex- 
cepting the  Stuyvesant  manuscript,  which  gives  the  sub- 
stance of  a pleasant  little  heroic  poem  written  on  the 
occasion  by  Dominie  iEgidius  Luyck,*  who  appears  to 
have  been  the  poet-laureate  of  New  Amsterdam.  This 
inestimable  manuscript  assures  us  that  it  was  a rare 
spectacle  to  behold  the  great  Peter  and  his  loyal  follower 
hailing  the  morning  sun  and  rejoicing  in  the  clear  count- 
enance of  nature  as  they  pranced  it  through  the  pastoral 
scenes  of  Bloemen  Dael,  which  in  those  days  was  a sweet 
and  rural  valley,  beautified  with  many  a bright  wild-flower 
refreshed  by  many  a pure  streamlet,  and  enlivened  here  and 
there  by  a delectable  little  Dutch  cottage  sheltered  under 
some  sloping  hill  and  almost  buried  in  embowering  trees. 

Now  did  they  enter  upon  the  confines  of  Connecticut, 
where  they  encountered  many  grievous  difficulties  and 
perils.  At  one  place  they  were  assailed  by  a troop  of 
country  squires  and  militia  colonels,  who  mounted  on 
goodly  steeds,  hung  upon  their  rear  for  several  miles,  har- 
assing them  exceedingly  with  guesses  and  questions,  more 
especially  the  worthy  Peter,  whose  silver-chased  leg  excited 
not  a little  marvel.  At  another  place,  hard  by  the  renown- 
ed town  of  Stamford,  they  were  set  upon  by  a great  and 
mighty  legion  of  church  deacons,  who  imperiously  demand- 

* This  Luyck  was  moreover  rector  of  the  Latin  School  in  Nieuw 
Nederlandts,  1668.  There  are  two  pieces  addressed  to  iEgidius  Luyck 
in  D.  Selyn’s  MSS.  of  poesies,  upon  his  marriage  with  Judith  Isen- 
doorn.  Old  MS. 

r 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


291 


ed  of  them  five  shillings  for  traveling  on  Sunday,  and 
threatened  to  carry  them  captive  to  a neighboring  church 
whose  steeple  peered  above  the  trees;  but  these  the  valiant 
Peter  put  to  rout  with  little  difficulty,  insomuch  that  they 
bestrode  their  canes  and  galloped  off  in  horrible  confusion, 
leaving  their  cocked  hats  behind  in  the  hurry  of  their 
flight.  But  not  so  easily  did  he  escape  from  the  hands  of 
a crafty  man  of  Pyquag,  who  with  undaunted  perseverance 
and  repeated  onsets  fairly  bargained  him  out  of  his  goodly 
switch-tailed  charger,  leaving  in  place  thereof  a villainous 
foundered  Narragansett  pacer. 

But  maugre  all  these  hardships,  they  pursued  their 
journey  cheerily  along  the  course  of  the  soft-flowing  Con- 
necticut, whose  gentle  waves,  says  the  song,  roll  through 
many  a fertile  vale  and  sunny  plain,  now  reflecting  the 
lofty  spires  of  the  bustling  city  and  now  the  rural  beauties 
of  the  humble  hamlet,  now  echoing  with  the  busy  hum 
of  commerce  and  now  with  the  cheerful  song  of  the 
peasant. 

At  every  town  would  Peter  Stuyvesant,  who  was  noted 
for  warlike  punctilio,  order  the  sturdy  Antony  to  sound  a 
courteous  salutation,  though  the  manuscript  observes  that 
the  inhabitants  were  thrown  into  great  dismay  when  they 
heard  of  his  approach.  Por  the  fame  of  his  incomparable 
achievements  on  the  Delaware  had  spread  throughout  the 
East  Country,  and  they  dreaded  lest  he  had  come  to  take 
vengeance  on  their  manifold  transgressions. 

But  the  good  Peter  rode  through  these  towns  with  a smil- 
ing aspect,  waving  his  hand  with  inexpressible  majesty  and 
condescension;  for  he  verily  believed  that  the  old  clothes 
which  these  ingenious  people  had  thrust  into  their  broken 
windows,  and  the  festoons  of  dried  apples  and  peaches 
which  ornamented  the  fronts  of  their  houses,  were  so  many 
decorations  in  honor  of  his  approach,  as  it  was  the  custom 
in  the  days  of  chivalry  to  compliment  renowned  heroes  by 
sumptuous  displays  of  tapestry  and  gorgeous  furniture. 
The  women  crowded  to  the  doors  to  gaze  upon  him  as  he 
passed,  so  much  does  prowess  in  arms  delight  the  gentle 
sex.  The  little  children,  too,  ran  after  him  in  troops,  star- 
ing with  wonder  at  his  regimentals,  his  brimstone  breeches 
and  the  silver  garniture  of  his  wooden  leg.  Nor  must  I 
omit  to  mention  the  joy  which  many  strapping  wenches 
betrayed  at  beholding  the  jovial  Van  Corlear,  who  had 


292 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


whilom  delighted  them  so  much  with  his  trumpet  when  he 
bore  the  great  Peter’s  challange  to  the  Amphictyons.  The 
kind-hearted  Antony  alighted  from  his  calico  mare  and 
kissed  them  all  with  infinite  loving-kindness,  and  was 
right  pleased  to  see  a crew  of  little  trumpeters  crowding 
round  him  for  his  blessing;  each  of  whom  he  patted  on  the 
head,  bade  him  be  a good  boy,  and  gave  him  a penny  to 
buy  molasses  candy. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


293 


CHAPTER  V. 

HOW  THE  YANKEES  SECRETLY  SOUGHT  THE  AID  OF  THE 

BRITISH  CABINET  IN  THEIR  HOSTILE  SCHEMES  AGAINST 

THE  MANHATTOES. 

Now,  so  it  happened  that  while  the  great  and  good  Peter 
Stuyvesant,  followed  by  his  trusty  squire,  was  making  his 
chivalric  progress  through  the  East  Country  a dark  and 
direful  scheme  of  war  against  his  beloved  province  was 
forming  in  that  nursery  of  monstrous  projects,  the  British 
Cabinet. 

This  we  are  confidently  informed,  was  the  result  of  the 
secret  instigations  of  the  great  council  of  the  league,  who 
finding  themselves  totally  incompetent  to  vie  in  arms  with 
the  heavy-sterned  warriors  of  the  Manhattoes  and  their 
iron-headed  commander,  sent  emissaries  to  the  British  gov- 
ernment setting  forth  in  eloquent  language  the  wonders 
and  delights  of  this  delicious  little  Dutch  Canaan,  and  im- 
ploring that  a force  might  be  sent  out  to  invade  it  by  sea, 
while  they  should  co-operate  by  land. 

These  emissaries  arrived  at  a critical  juncture,  just  as  the 
British  Lion  was  beginning  to  bristle  up  his  mane  and  wag 
his  tail;  for  we  are  assured  by  the  anonymous  writer  of  the 
Stuyvesant  manuscript  that  the  astounding  victory  of 
Peter  Stuyvesant  at  Fort  Christina  had  resounded  through- 
out Europe,  and  his  annexation  of  the  territory  of  New 
Sweden  had  awakened  the  jealousy  of  the  British  Cabinet 
for  their  wild  lands  at  the  south.  This  jealousy  was 
brought  to  a head  by  the  representations  of  Lord  Balti- 
more, who  declared  that  the  territory  thus  annexed  lay 
within  the  lands  granted  to  him  by  the  British  Crown, 
and  he  claimed  to  be  protected  in  his  rights.  Lord  Ster- 
ling, another  British  subject,  claimed  the  whole  of  Nassau 
or  Long  Island,  once  the  Ophir  of  William  the  Testy,  but 
now  the  kitchen  garden  of  the  Manhattoes,  which  he  de- 


294 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


dared  to  be  British  territory  by  the  right  of  discovery, 
but  unjustly  usurped  by  the  Nederland ters. 

The  result  of  all  these  rumors  and  representations  was  a 
sudden  zeal  on  the  part  of  His  Majesty  Charles  the  Second 
for  the  safety  and  well-being  of  his  transatlantic  possessions, 
and  especially  for  the  recovery  of  the  New  Netherlands, 
which  Yankee  logic  had,  somehow  or  other,  proved  to  be  a 
continuity  of  the  territory  taken  possession  of  for  the  Brit- 
ish Crown  by  the  Pilgrims  when  they  landed  on  Plymouth 
Rock,  fugitives  from  British  oppression.  All  this  goodly 
land,  thus  wrongfully  held  by  the  Dutchmen,  he  presented 
in  a fit  of  affection  to  his  brother  the  Duke  of  York — a do- 
nation truly  royal,  since  none  but  great  sovereigns  have  a 
right  to  give  away  what  does  not  belong  to  them.  That 
this  munificent  gift  might  not  be  merely  nominal,  His 
Majesty  ordered  that  an  armament  should  be  straightway 
dispatched  to  invade  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam  by  land 
and  water  and  put  his  brother  in  complete  possession  of 
the  premises. 

Thus  critically  situated  are  the  affairs  of  the  Nieuw  Neder- 
landters.  While  the  honest  burghers  are  smoking  their 
pipes  in  sober  security,  and  the  privy  councilors  are  snor- 
ing in  the  council-chamber,  while  Peter  the  Headstrong  is 
undauntedly  making  his  way  through  the  East  Country  in 
the  confident  hope  by  honest  words  and  manly  deeds  to 
bring  the  grand  council  to  terms,  a hostile  fleet  is  sweeping 
like  a thunder-cloud  across  the  Atlantic,  soon  to  rattle  a 
storm  of  war  about  the  ears  of  the  dozing  Nederlandters 
and  to  put  the  mettle  of  their  governor  to  the  trial. 

But,  come  what  may,  I here  pledge  my  veracity  that  in 
all  warlike  conflicts  and  doubtful  perplexities  he  will  ever 
acquit  himself  like  a gallant,  noble-minded,  obstinate  old 
cavalier.  Forward  then,  to  the  charge!  Shine  out,  pro- 
pitious stars,  on  the  renowned  city  of  the  Manhattoes,  and 
the  blessing  of  St.  Nicholas  go  with  thee,  honest  Peter 
Stuyvesant. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


295 


CHAPTER  VI. 

OF  PETER  STUYVESANT’S  EXPEDITION  INTO  THE  EAST 

COUNTRY,  SHOWING  THAT,  THOUGH  AN  OLD  BIRD,  HE 

DID  NOT  UNDERSTAND  TRAP. 

Great  nations  resemble  great  men  in  this  particular, 
that  their  greatness  is  seldom  known  until  they  get  in 
trouble:  adversity,  therefore,  has  been  wisely  denomin- 
ated the  ordeal  of  true  greatness,  which,  like  gold,  can 
never  receive  its  real  estimation  until  it  has  passed  through 
the  furnace.  In  proportion,  therefore,  as  a nation,  a com- 
munity, or  an  individual  (possessing  the  inherent  quality 
of  greatness)  is  involved  in  perils  and  misfortunes,  in  pro- 
portion does  it  rise  in  grandeur,  and  even  when  sinking 
under  calamity  makes,  like  a house  on  fire,  a more  glor- 
ious display  than  ever  it  did  in  the  fairest  period  of  its 
prosperity. 

The  vast  empire  of  China,  though  teeming  with  popula- 
tion and  imbibing  and  concentrating  the  wealth  of  nations 
has  vegetated  through  a succession  of  drowsy  ages,  and 
were  it  not  for  its  internal  revolution  and  the  subversion 
of  its  ancient  government  by  the  Tartars  might  have  pre- 
sented nothing  but  a dull  detail  of  monotonous  prosperity. 
Pompeii  and  Herculaneum  might  have  passed  into  obliv- 
ion, with  a herd  of  their  contemporaries,  had  they  not 
been  fortunately  overwhelmed  by  a volcano.  The  renown- 
ed city  of  Troy  acquired  celebrity  only  from  its  ten  years’ 
distress  and  final  conflagration;  Paris  rose  in  importance 
by  the  plots  and  massacres  which  ended  in  the  exaltation 
of  Napoleon;  and  even  the  mighty  London  has  skulked 
through  the  records  of  time,  celebrated  for  nothing  of  mo- 
ment excepting  the  plague,  the  great  fire,  and  Guy  Faux’s 
gunpowder  plot!  Thus  cities  and  empires  creep  along,  en- 
larging in  silent  obscurity,  until  they  burst  forth  in  some 
tremendous  calamity,  and  snatch,  as  it  were,  immortality 
from  the  explosion. 


296 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


The  above  principle  being  admitted,  my  reader  will 
plainly  perceive  that  the  city  of  New  Amsterdam  and  its 
dependant  province  are  on  the  high  road  to  greatness. 
Dangers  and  hostilities  threaten  from  every  side,  and  it  is 
really  a matter  of  astonishment  how  so  small  a state  has 
been  able  in  so  short  a time  to  entangle  itself  in  so  many 
difficulties.  Ever  since  the  province  was  first  taken  by  the 
nose  at  the  Fort  of  Good  Hope  in  the  tranquil  days  of 
Wouter  Van  T wilier  has  it  been  gradually  increasing  in 
historic  importance,  and  never  could  it  have  had  a more 
appropriate  chieftain  to  conduct  it  to  the  pinnacle  of  gran- 
deur than  Peter  Stuyvesant. 

This  truly  headstrong  hero,  having  successfully  effected 
his  daring  progress  through  the  East  Country,  girded  up 
his  loins  as  he  approached  Boston,  and  prepared  for  the 
grand  onslaught  with  the  Amphictyons  which  was  to  be 
the  crowning  achievement  of  the  Campaign.  Throwing 
Antony  Van  Corlear,  who  with  his  calico  mare,  formed  his 
escort  and  army,  a little  in  the  advance,  and  bidding  him 
be  of  stout  heart  and  great  wind,  he  placed  himself  firmly 
in  his  saddle,  cocked  his  hat  more  fiercely  over  his  left  eye 
summoned  all  the  heroism  of  his  soul  into  his  countenance, 
and  with  one  arm  akimbo,  the  hand  resting  on  the  pom- 
mel of  his  sword,  rode  into  the  great  metropolis  of  the  league, 
Antony  sounding  his  trumpet  before  him  in  a manner  to 
electrify  the  whole  community. 

Never  was  there  such  a stir  in  Boston  as  on  this  occa- 
sion; never  such  a hurrying  hither  and  thither  about  the 
streets,  such  popping  of  heads  out  of  windows,  such  gath- 
ering of  knots  in  market-places.  Peter  Stuyvesant  was  a 
straightforward  man  and  prone  to  do  everything  above 
board.  He  would  have  ridden  at  once  to  the  great  coun- 
cil-house of  the  league  and  sounded  a parley;  but  the  grand 
council  knew  the  mettlesome  hero  they  had  to  deal  with, 
and  were  not  for  doing  things  in  a hurry.  On  the  con- 
trary, they  sent  forth  deputations  to  meet  him  on  the  way, 
to  receive  him  in  a style  befitting  the  great  potentate  of 
the  Manhattoes,  and  to  multiply  all  kinds  of  honors  and 
ceremonies  and  formalities  and  other  courteous  impedi- 
ments in  his  path.  Solemn  banquets  were  accordingly 
given  him,  equal  to  Thanksgiving  feasts.  Complimentary 
speeches  were  made  him,  wherein  he  was  entertained  with 
the  surpassing  virtues,  long  sufferings,  and  achievements 


HIS  TOUT  OF  NEW  YORK 


297 


of  the  Pilgrim  Fathers;  and  it  is  even  said  he  was  treated 
to  a sight  of  Plymouth  Rock,  that  great  corner-stone  of 
Yankee  empire. 

I will  not  detain  my  readers  by  recounting  the  endless 
devices  by  which  time  was  wasted  and  obstacles  and  delays 
multiplied,  to  the  infinite  annoyance  of  the  impatient  Peter. 
Neither  will  I fatigue  them  by  dwelling  on  his  negotiations 
with  the  grand  council  when  he  at  length  brought  them  to 
business.  Suffice  it  to  say,  it  was  like  most  other  diplo- 
matic negotiations:  a great  deal  was  said  and  very  little 
done;  one  conversation  led  to  another;  one  conference  be- 
got misunderstandings  which  it  took  a dozen  conferences 
to  explain,  at  the  end  of  which  both  parties  found  them- 
selves just  where  they  had  begun,  but  ten  times  less  likely 
to  come  to  an  agreement. 

In  the  midst  of  these  perplexities,  which  bewildered  the 
brain  and  incensed  the  ire  of  honest  Peter,  he  received 
private  intelligence  of  the  dark  conspiracy  matured  in  the 
British  Cabinet,  with  the  astounding  fact  that  a British 
squadron  was  already  on  the  way  to  invade  New  Amster- 
dam by  sea,  and  that  the  grand  council  of  Amphictyons, 
while  thus  beguiling  him  with  subtleties,  were  actually 
prepared  to  co-operate  by  land! 

Oh,  how  did  the  sturdy  old  warrior  rage  and  roar  when 
he  found  himself  thus  entrapped  like  a lion  in  the  hunter’s 
toil!  Now  did  he  draw  his  trusty  sword  and  determined  to 
break  in  upon  the  council  of  the  Amphictyons  and  put 
every  mother’s  son  of  them  to  death.  Now  did  he  resolve 
to  fight  his  way  throughout  all  the  regions  of  the  east  and 
to  lay  waste  Connecticut  River! 

Gallant  but  unfortunate  Peter!  Did  I not  enter  with 
sad  forebodings  on  this  ill-starred  expedition  ! Did  I not 
tremble  when  I saw  thee,  with  no  other  counselor  than  thine 
own  head,  no  other  armor  but  an  honest  tongue,  a spotless 
conscience,  and  a rusty  sword,  no  other  protector  but  St. 
Nicholas,  and  no  other  attendant  but  a trumpeter — did  I 
not  tremble  when  I beheld  thee  thus  sally  forth  to  contend 
with  all  the  knowing  powers  of  New  England? 

It  was  a long  time  before  the  kind-hearted  expostulations 
of  Antony  Van  Corlear,  aided  by  the  soothing  melody  of 
his  trumpet,  could  lower  the  spirits  of  Peter  Stuyvesant 
from  their  warlike  and  vindictive  tone  and  prevent  his 
making  widows  and  orphans  of  half  the  population  of  Bos- 


298 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


ton.  With  great  difficulty  he  was  prevailed  upon  to  bottle 
up  his  wrath  for  the  present,  to  conceal  from  the  council 
his  knowledge  of  their  machinations,  and,  by  effecting  his 
escape,  to  be  able  to  arrive  in  time  for  the  salvation  of  the 
Manhattoes 

The  latter  suggestion  awakened  a new  ray  of  hope  in  his 
bosom;  he  forthwith  dispatched  a secret  message  to  his 
councilors  at  New  Amsterdam,  apprising  them  of  their 
danger  and  commanding  them  to  put  the  city  in  a posture 
of  defense,  promising  to  come  as  soon  as  possible  to  their 
assistance.  This  done,  he  felt  marvelously  relieved,  rose 
slowly,  shook  himself  like  a rhinoceros,  and  issued  forth 
from  his  den  in  much  the  same  manner  as  Giant  Despair  is 
described  to  have  issued  from  Doubting  Castle  in  the  chiv- 
alric  history  of  the  “ Pilgrim's  Progress.” 

And  now  much  does  it  grieve  me  that  I must  leave  the 
gallant  Peter  in  this  imminent  jeopardy;  but  it  behooves 
us  to  hurry  back  and  see  what  is  going  on  at  New  Amster- 
dam, for  greatly  do  I fear  that  city  is  already  in  a turmoil. 
Such  was  ever  the  fate  of  Peter  Stuyvesant ; while  doing 
one  thing  with  heart  and  soul,  he  was  too  apt  to  leave 
everything  else  at  sixes  and  sevens.  While,  like  a poten- 
tate of  yore,  he  was  absent  attending  to  those  things  in 
person  which  in  modern  days  are  trusted  to  generals  and 
ambassadors,  his  little  territory  at  home  was  sure  to  get  in 
an  uproar  ; all  which  was  owing  to  that  uncommon  strength 
of  intellect  which  induced  him  to  trust  to  nobody  but  him- 
self, and  which  had  acquired  him  the  renowned  appellation 
of  Peter  the  Headstrong. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


299 


CHAPTER  VII. 

HOW  THE  PEOPLE  OF  NEW  AMSTERDAM  WERE  THROWN 
INTO  A GREAT  PANIC  BY  THE  NEWS  OF  THE  THREAT- 
ENED INVASION,  AND  THE  MANNER  IN  WHICH  THEY 
FORTIFIED  THEMSELVES. 

There  is  no  sight  more  truly  interesting  to  a philosopher 
than  a community  where  every  individual  has  a voice  in 
public  affairs,  where  every  individual  considers  himself 
the  Atlas  of  the  nation,  and  where  every  individual  thinks 
it  his  duty  to  bestir  himself  for  the  good  of  his  country — 
I say  there  is  nothing  more  interesting  to  a philosopher 
than  such  a community  in  a sudden  bustle  of  war.  Such 
clamor  of  tongues,  such  patriotic  bawling,  such  running 
hither  and  thither,  everybody  in  a hurry,  everybody  in 
trouble,  everybody  in  the  way,  and  everybody  interrupting 
his  neighbor,  who  is  busily  employed  in  doing  nothing  ! It 
is  like  witnessing  a great  fire,  where  the  whole  community 
are  ago g — some  dragging  about  empty  engines,  others 
scampering  with  full  buckets  and  spilling  the  contents  into 
their  neighbor’s  boots,  and  others  ringing  the  church-bells 
all  night  by  way  of  putting  out  the  fire ; little  firemen  like 
sturdy  little  knights  storming  a breach,  clamoring  up  and 
down  scaling-ladders,  and  bawling  through  tin  trumpets 
by  way  of  directing  the  attack.  Here  a fellow,  in  his 
great  zeal  to  save  the  property  of  the  unfortunate,  catches 
up  an  anonymous  chamber  utensil,  and  gallants  it  off  with 
an  air  of  as  much  self-importance  as  if  he  had  rescued  a 
pot  of  money  ; there  another  throws  looking-glasses  and 
china  out  of  the  window  to  save  them  from  the  flames ; 
while  those  who  can  do  nothing  else  run  up  and  down  the 
streets,  keeping  up  an  incessant  cry  of  Fire ! Fire!  Fire! 

“ When  the  news  arrived  at  Sinope,”  says  Lucian — 
though  I own  the  story  is  rather  trite — “that  Philip  was 
about  to  attack  them,  the  inhabitants  were  thrown  into  a 


300 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


violent  alarm.  Some  ran  to  furbish  up  their  arms  ; others 
rolled  stones  to  build  up  the  walls — everybody,  in  short, 
was  employed,  and  everybody  in  the  way  of  his  neighbor. 
Diogenes  alone  could  find  nothing  to  do,  whereupon,  not  to 
be  idle  when  the  welfare  of  his  country  was  at  stake,  he 
tucked  up  his  robe  and  fell  to  rolling  his  tub  with  might 
and  main  up  and  down  the  Gymnasium.”  In  like  manner 
did  every  mother’s  son  in  the  patriotic  community  of  New 
Amsterdam  on  receiving  the  missives  of  Peter  Stuyvesant 
busy  himself  most  mightily  in  putting  things  in  confusion 
and  assisting  the  general  uproar,  “ Every  man,”  saith  the 
Stuyvesant  manuscript,  “ flew  to  arms  !”  by  which  is  meant 
that  not  one  of  our  honest  Dutch  citizens  would  venture  to 
church  or  to  market  without  an  old-fashioned  spit  of  a 
sword  dangling  at  his  side  and  a long  Dutch  fowling-piece 
on  his  shoulder,  nor  would  he  go  out  of  a night  without  a 
lantern,  nor  turn  a corner  without  first  peeping  cautiously 
round,  lest  he  should  come  unawares  upon  a British  army  ; 
and  we  are  informed  that  Stoffel  Brinkerhoff,  who  was  con- 
sidered by  the  old  women  almost  as  brave  a man  as  the 
governor  himself,  actually  had  two  one-pound  swivels 
mounted  in  his  entry,  one  pointing  out  at  the  front  door 
and  the  other  at  the  back. 

But  the  most  strenuous  measure  resorted  to  on  this  awful 
occasion,  and  one  which  has  since  been  found  of  wonderful 
efficacy,  was  to  assemble  popular  meetings.  These  brawl- 
ing convocations,  I have  already  shown,  were  extremely 
offensive  to  Peter  Stuyvesant ; but  as  this  was  a moment  of 
unusual  agitation,  and  as  the  old  governor  was  not  present 
to  repress  them,  they  broke  out  with  intolerable  violence. 
Hither,  therefore,  the  orators  and  politicians  repaired,  striv- 
ing who  should  bawl  loudest  and  exceed  the  others  in 
hyperbolical  bursts  of  patriotism  and  in  resolutions  to 
uphold  and  defend  the  government.  In  these  sage  meet- 
ings it  was  resolved  that  they  were  the  most  enlightened, 
the  most  dignified,  the  most  formidable,  and  the  most 
ancient  community  upon  the  face  of  the  earth.  This  res- 
olution being  carried  unanimously,  another  was  immediately 
proposed — whether  it  were  not  possible  and  politic  to  ex- 
terminate Great  Britain  ? upon  which  sixty-nine  members 
spoke  in  the  affirmative,  and  only  one  arose  to  suggest  some 
doubts,  who  as  a punishment  for  his  treasonable  presump- 
tion was  immediately  seized  by  the  mob  and  tarred  and 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


301 


feathered  ; which  punishment  being  equivalent  to  the  Tar- 
peian  Rock,  he  was  afterward  considered  as  an  outcast 
from  society  and  his  opinion  went  for  nothing.  The  ques- 
tion, therefore,  being  unanimously  carried  in  the  affirmative, 
it  was  recommended  to  the  grand  council  to  pass  it  into  a 
law  ; which  was  accordingly  done.  By  this  measure  the 
hearts  of  the  people  at  large  were  wonderfully  encouraged, 
and  they  waxed  exceeding  choleric  and  valorous.  Indeed, 
the  first  paroxysm  of  alarm  having  in  some  measure  sub- 
sided, the  old  women  having  buried  all  the  money  they 
could  lay  their  hands  on,  and  their  husbands  daily  getting 
fuddled  with  what  was  left,  the  community  began  even  to 
stand  on  the  offensive.  Songs  were  manufactured  in  Low 
Dutch  and  sung  about  the  streets  wherein  the  English  were 
most  woefully  beaten  and  shown  no  quarter,  and  popular 
addresses  were  made,  wherein  it  was  proved  to  a certainty 
that  the  fate  of  Old  England  depended  upon  the  will  of  the 
New  Amsterdammers. 

Finally,  to  strike  a violent  blow  at  the  very  vitals  of 
Great  Britain,  a multitude  of  the  wiser  inhabitants  as- 
sembled, and  having  purchased  all  the  British  manufact- 
ures they  could  find,  they  made  thereof  a huge  bonfire  ; 
and  in  the  patriotic  glow  of  the  moment  every  man  present 
who  had  a hat  or  breeches  of  English  workmanship  pulled 
it  off  and  threw  it  into  the  flames — to  the  irreparable  detri- 
ment, loss,  and  ruin  of  the  English  manufacturers.  In 
commemoration  of  this  great  exploit  they  erected  a pole  on 
the  spot,  with  a device  on  the  top  intended  to  represent  the 
province  of  Nieuw  Nederland  ts  destroying  Great  Britain, 
under  the  similitude  of  an  Eagle  picking  the  little  island 
of  Old  England  out  of  the  globe;  but,  either  through  the 
unskillfulness  of  the  sculptor  or  his  ill-timed  waggery,  it 
bore  a striking  resemblance  to  a goose  vainly  striving  to 
get  hold  of  a dumpling. 


302 


HISTORY  OF  HEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

HOW  THE  GRAND  COUNCIL  OF  THE  NEW  NETHERLANDS 
WERE  MIRACULOUSLY  GIFTED  WITH  LONG  TONGUES  IN 
THE  MOMENT  OF  EMERGENCY — SHOWING  THE  VALUE 
OF  WORDS  IN  WARFARE. 

It  will  need  but  little  penetration  in  any  one  conversant 
with  the  ways  of  that  wise  but  windy  potentate,  the  sov- 
ereign people,  to  discover  that,  notwithstanding  all  the  war- 
like bluster  and  bustle  of  the  last  chapter,  the  city  of 
New  Amsterdam  was  not  a whit  more  prepared  for  war 
than  before.  The  privy  councilors  of  Peter  Stuyvesant 
were  aware  of  this,  and,  having  received  his  private  orders 
to  put  the  city  in  an  immediate  posture  of  defense,  they 
called  a meeting  of  the  oldest  and  richest  burghers  to  assist 
them  with  their  wisdom.  These  were  that  order  of  citizens 
commonly  termed  “men  of  the  greatest  weight  in  the  com- 
munity,” their  weight  being  estimated  by  the  heaviness  of 
their  heads  and  of  their  purses.  Their  wisdom,  in  fact,  is 
apt  to  be  of  a ponderous  kind,  and  to  hang  like  a millstone 
round  the  neck  of  the  community. 

Two  things  were  unanimously  determined  in  this  assem- 
bly of  venerables:  First,  that  the  city  required  to  be  put  in 
a state  of  defense;  and  second,  that,  as  the  danger  was  im- 
minent, there  should  be  no  time  lost;  which  points  being 
settled,  they  fell  to  making  long  speeches  and  belaboring 
one  another  in  endless  and  intemperate  disputes.  For 
about  this  time  was  this  unhappy  city  first  visited  by  that 
talking  endemic  so  prevalent  in  this  country,  and  which  so 
invariably  evinces  itself  wherever  a number  of  wise  men  as- 
semble together,  breaking  out  in  long,  windy  speeches, 
caused,  as  physicians  suppose,  by  the  foul  air  which  is  ever 
generated  in  a crowd.  Now  it  was,  moreover,  that  they 
first  introduced  the  ingenious  method  of  measuring  the 
merits  of  an  harangue  by  the  hour-glass,  he  being  con- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


303 


sidered  the  ablest  orator  who  spoke  longest  on  a question. 
For  which  excellent  invention,  it  is  recorded,  we  are  in- 
debted to  the  same  profound  Dutch  critic  who  judged  of 
books  by  their  size. 

This  sudden  passion  for  endless  harangues,  so  little  con- 
sonant with  the  customary  gravity  and  taciturnity  of  our 
sage  forefathers,  was  supposed  by  certain  philosophers  to 
have  been  imbibed,  together  with  divers  others  barbarous 
propensities,  from  their  savage  neighbors,  who  were  pecu- 
liarly noted  for  lo7ig  talks  and  council-fires , and  never  un- 
dertook any  affair  of  the  least  importance  without  previous 
debates  and  harangues  among  their  chiefs  and  old  men . 
But  the  real  cause  was,  that  the  people,  in  electing  their 
representatives  to  the  grand  council,  were  particular  in 
choosing  them  for  their  talents  at  talking,  without  inquir- 
ing whether  they  possessed  the  more  rare,  difficult,  and, 
ofttimes  important  talent  of  holding  their  tongues.  The 
consequence  was,  that  this  deliberative  body  was  composed 
of  the  most  loquacious  men  in  the  community.  As  they 
considered  themselves  placed  there  to  talk,  every  man  con- 
cluded that  his  duty  to  his  constituents — and,  what  is  more, 
his  popularity  with  them — required  that  he  should  harangue 
on  every  subject,  whether  he  understood  it  or  not.  There 
was  an  ancient  mode  of  burying  a chieftian  by  every  sol- 
dier throwing  his  shield  full  of  earth  on  the  corpse  until 
a mighty  mound  was  formed;  so  whenever  a question  was 
brought  forward  in  this  assembly,  every  member  pressing 
forward  to  throw  on  his  quantum  of  wisdom,  the  subject 
was  quickly  buried  under  a mountain  of  words. 

We  are  told  that  disciples  on  entering  the  school  of  Pyth- 
agoras were  for  two  years  enjoined  silence,  and  forbidden 
either  to  ask  questions  or  make  remarks.  After  they  had 
thus  acquired  the  inestimable  art  of  holding  their  tongues, 
they  were  gradually  permitted  to  make  inquiries,  and  finally 
to  communicate  their  own  opinions. 

With  what  a beneficial  effect  could  this  wise  regulation 
of  Pythagoras  be  introduced  in  modern  legislative  bodies! 
and  how  wonderfully  would  it  have  tended  to  expedite 
business  in  the  grand  council  of  the  Manhattoes! 

At  this  perilous  juncture  the  fatal  word  economy,  the 
stumbling-block  of  William  the  Testy,  had  been  once  more 
set  afloat,  according  to  which  the  cheapest  plan  of  defense 
was  insisted  upon  as  thebest;  it  being  deemed  a great  stroke 
of  policy  in  furnishing  powder  to  economize  in  ball. 


304 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


Thus  did  Dame  Wisdom  (whom  the  wags  of  antiquity 
have  humorously  personified  as  a woman)  seem  to  take  a 
mischievious  pleasure  in  jilting  the  venerable  councilors 
of  New  Amsterdam.  To  add  to  the  confusion,  the  old 
factions  of  Short  Pipes  and  Long  Pipes,  which  had  been 
almost  strangled  by  the  herculean  grasp  of  Peter  Stuy  ves- 
ant,  now  sprang  up  with  tenfold  vigor.  Whatever  was 
proposed  by  a Short  Pipe  was  opposed  by  the  whole  tribe 
of  Long  Pipes,  who  like  true  partisans,  deemed  it  their 
first  duty  to  effect  the  downfall  of  their  rivals;  their  sec- 
ond to  elevate  themselves;  and  their  third,  to  consult  the 
public  good,  though  many  left  the  third  consideration  out 
of  question  altogether. 

In  this  great  collision  of  hardheads  it  is  astonishing  the 
number  of  projects  that  were  struck  out — projects  which 
threw  the  windmill  system  of  William  the  Testy  completely 
in  the  background.  These  were  almost  uniformly  opposed 
by  the  umen  of  the  greatest  weight  in  the  community!” 
your  weighty  men,  though  slow  to  devise,  being  always 
great  at  “negativing.”  Among  these  were  a set  of  fat, 
self-important  old  burghers  who  smoked  their  pipes  and 
said  nothing  except  to  negative  every  plan  of  defense  pro- 
posed. These  were  that  class  of  “conservatives”  who,  hav- 
ing amassed  a fortune,  button  up  their  pockets,  shut  their 
mouths,  sink,  as  it  were,  into  themselves,  and  pass  the  rest 
of  their  lives  in  the  indwelling  beatitude  of  conscious 
wealth;  as  some  phlegmatic  oyster,  having  swallowed  a 
pearl  closes  its  shell,  sinks  in  the  mud  and  devotes  the  rest 
of  its  life  to  the  conservation  of  its  treasure.  Every  plan 
of  defense  seemed  to  these  worthy  old  gentlemen  pregnant 
with  ruin.  An  armed  force  was  a legion  of  locusts  preying 
upon  the  public  property;  to  fit  out  a naval  armament  was 
to  throw  their  money  into  the  sea;  to  build  fortifications 
was  to  bury  it  in  the  dirt.  In  short,  they  settled  it  as  a 
sovereign  maxim,  so  long  as  their  pockets  were  full,  no 
matter  how  much  they  were  drubbed.  A kick  left  no  scar, 
a broken  head  cured  itself,  but  an  empty  purse  was  of  all 
maladies  the  slowest  to  heal,  and  one  in  which  nature  did 
nothing  for  the  patient. 

Thus  did  this  venerable  assembly  of  sages  lavish  away 
that  time  which  the  urgency  of  affairs  rendered  invaluable 
in  empty  brawls  and  long  winded  speeches,  without  ever 
agreeing,  except  on  the  point  with  which  they  started — 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


305 


namely,  that  there  was  no  time  to  be  lost  and  delay  was 
ruinous.  At  length,  St.  Nicholas  taking  compassion  on 
their  distracted  situation  and  anxious  to  preserve  them  from 
anarchy,  so  ordered  them  in  the  midst  of  one  of  their  most 
noisy  debates  on  the  subject  of  fortification  and  defense, 
when  they  had  nearly  fallen  to  loggerheads  in  consequence 
of  not  being  able  to  convince  each  other,  the  question  was 
happily  settled  by  the  sudden  entrance  of  a messenger, 
who  informed  them  that  a hostile  fleet  had  arrived  and  was 
actually  advancing  up  the  bay. 


306 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

XX  WHICH  THE  TROUBLES  OF  NEW.  AMSTERDAM  APPEAR  TO 
THICKEST — SHOWIXG  THE  BRAVERY,  IX  TIME  OF  PERIL, 
OF  A PEOPLE  WHO  DEFEXD  THEMSELVES  BY  RESOLU- 
TIOXS. 

Like  as  an  assemblage  of  belligerent  cats,  gibbering  and 
caterwauling,  eyeing  one  another  with  hideous  grimaces 
and  contortions,  spitting  in  each  other’s  faces,  and  on  the 
point  of  a general  clapperclawing,  are  suddenly  put  to 
scampering  rout  and  confusion  by  the  appearance  of  a house 
dog,  so  was  the  no  less  vociferous  council  of  New  Amster- 
dam amazed,  astounded,  and  totally  dispersed  by  the  sud- 
den arrival  of  the  enemy.  Every  member  waddled  home 
as  fast  as  his  short  legs  could  carry  him,  wheezing  as  lie 
went  with  corpulency  and  terror.  Arrived  at  his  castle,  he 
barricaded  the  street-door  and  buried  himself  in  the  cider- 
cellar,  without  venturing  to  peep  out  lest  he  should  have 
his  head  carried  off  by  a cannon-ball. 

The  sovereign  people  crowded  into  the  market-place, 
herding  together  with  the  instinct  of  sheep,  who  seek  safety 
in  each  other’s  company  when  the  shepherd  and  his  dog 
are  absent  and  the  wolf  is  prowling  round  the  fold.  Far 
from  finding  relief,  however,  they  only  increased  each 
other’s  terrors.  Each  man  looked  ruefully  in  his  neigh- 
bor’s face  in  search  of  encouragement,  but  only  found  in 
its  woe-begone  lineaments  a confirmation  of  his  own  dismay. 
Not  a word  now  was  to  be  heard  of  conquering  Great  Brit- 
ain, not  a whisper  about  the  sovereign  virtues  of  economy; 
while  the  old  women  heightened  the  general  gloom  by 
clamorously  bewailing  their  fate  and  calling  for  protection 
on  St.  Nicholas  and  Peter  Stuyvesant. 

Oh,  how  did  they  bewail  the  absence  of  the  lion-hearted 
Peter!  and  how  did  they  long  for  the  comforting  presence 
of  Antony  Van  Corlear!  Indeed,  a gloomy  uncertainty 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


30  7 


hung  over  the  fate  of  these  adventurous  heroes.  Day  after 
day  had  elapsed  since  the  alarming  message  from  the  gov- 
ernor, without  bringing  any  further  tidings  of  his  safety. 
Many  a fearful  conjecture  was  hazarded  as  to  what  had  be- 
fallen him  and  his  loyal  squire.  Had  they  not  been  de- 
voured alive  by  the  cannibals  of  Marblehead  and  Cape 
Cod?  Had  they  not  been  put  to  the  question  by  the  great 
council  of  Amphictyons?  Had  they  not  been  smothered 
in  onions  by  the  terrible  men  of  Pyquag?  In  the  midst 
of  this  consternation  and  perplexity,  when  horror,  like  a 
mighty  nightmare,  sat  brooding  upon  the  little  fat,  ple- 
thoric city  of  New  Amsterdam,  the  ears  of  the  multitude 
were  suddenly  startled  by  the  distant  sound  of  a trumpet: 
it  approached,  it  grew  louder  and  louder,  and  now  it  re- 
sounded at  the  city  gate.  The  public  could  not  be  mis- 
taken in  the  well-known  sound;  a shout  of  joy  burst  from 
their  lips  as  the  gallant  Peter,  covered  with  dust  and  fol- 
lowed by  his  faithful  trumpeter,  came  galloping  into  the 
market-place. 

The  first  transports  of  the  populace  having  subsided, 
they  gathered  round  the  honest  Antony  as  he  dismounted, 
overwhelming  him  with  greetings  and  congratulations.  In 
breathless  accents  he  related  to  them  the  marvelous  ad- 
ventures through  which  the  old  governor  and  himself  had 
gone  in  making  their  escape  from  the  clutches  of  the  terri- 
ble Amphictyons.  But  though  the  Stuyvesant  manuscript, 
with  its  customary  minuteness  where  anything  touching  the 
great  Peter  is  concerned,  is  very  particular  as  to  the  inci- 
dents of  this  masterly  retreat,  the  state  of  the  public  affairs 
will  not  allow  me  to  indulge  in  a full  recital  thereof.  Let 
it  suffice  to  say  that  while  Peter  Stuyvesant  was  anxiously 
revolving  in  his  mind  how  he  could  make  good  his  escape 
with  honor  and  dignity,  certain  of  the  ships  sent  out  for 
the  conquest  of  the  Manhattoes  touched  at  the  eastern  ports 
to  obtain  supplies  and  to  call  on  the  grand  council  of  the 
league  for  its  promised  co-operation.  Upon  hearing  of 
this,  the  vigilant  Peter,  perceiving  that  a moment's  delay 
were  fatal,  made  a secret  and  precipitate  decampment, 
though  much  did  it  grieve  his  lofty  soul  to  be  obliged  to 
turn  his  back  even  upon  a nation  of  foes.  Many  hair- 
breadth ^scapes  and  divers  perilous  mishaps  did  they  sus- 
tain as  they  scoured  without  sound  of  trumpet  through  the 
fair  regions  of  the  east.  Already  was  the  country  in  an 


308 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


uproar  with  hostile  preparation,  and  they  were  obliged  to 
take  a large  circuit  in  their  flight,  lurking  along  through 
the  woody  mountains  of  the  Devil’s  Backbone,  whence  the 
valiant  Peter  sallied  forth  one  day  like  a lion  and  put  to 
rout  a whole  legion  of  squatters,  consisting  of  three  gen- 
erations of  a prolific  family  who  were  already  on  their 
way  to  take  possession  of  some  corner  of  the  New  Nether- 
lands. Nay,  the  faithful  Antony  had  great  difficulty,  at 
sundry  times,  to  prevent  him,  in  the  excess  of  his  wrath, 
from  descending  down  from  the  mountains  and  falling, 
sword  in  hand,  upon  certain  of  the  border-towns  who  were 
marshalling  forth  their  draggle-tailed  militia. 

The  first  movement  of  the  governor,  on  reaching  his 
dwelling,  was  to  mount  the  roof,  whence  he  contemplated 
with  rueful  aspect  the  hostile  squadron.  This  had  already 
come  to  anchor  in  the  bay,  and  consisted  of  two  stout  frig- 
ates, having  on  board,  as  John  Josselyn,  Gent,  informs  us, 
“three  hundred  valiant  redcoats.”  Having  taken  his  sur- 
vey, he  sat  himself  down  and  wrote  an  epistle  to  the  com- 
mander, demanding  the  reason  of  his  anchoring  in  the  har- 
bor without  obtaining  previous  permission  so  to  do.  This 
letter  was  couched  in  the  most  dignified  and  courteous  terms 
though  I have  it  from  undoubted  authority  that  his  teeth 
were  clinched  and  he  had  a bitter  sardonic  grin  upon  his 
visage  all  the  while  he  wrote.  Having  dispatched  his  let- 
ter, the  grim  Peter  stumped  to  and  fro  about  the  town  with 
a most  war-betokening  countenance,  his  hands  thrust  into 
his  breeches  pockets  and  whistling  a Low  Dutch  psalm 
tune,  which  bore  no  small  resemblance  to  the  music  of  a 
northeast  wind  when  a storm  is  brewing.  The  very  dogs 
as  they  eyed  him  skulked  away  in  dismay,  while  all  the 
old  and  ugly  women  of  New  Amsterdam  ran  howling  at 
his  heels,  imploring  him  to  save  them  from  murder,  robbery 
and  pitiless  ravishment. 

The  reply  of  Colonel  Nichols,  who  commanded  the  in- 
vaders, was  couched  in  terms  of  equal  courtesy  with  the 
letter  of  the  governor,  declaring  the  right  and  title  of  His 
British  Majesty  to  the  province,  where  he  affirmed  the 
Dutch  to  be  mere  interlopers,  and  demanding  that  the 
town,  forts,  etc.,  should  be  forthwith  rendered  into  His 
Majesty’s  obedience  and  protection;  promising,  at  the  same 
time,  life,  liberty,  estate  and  free  trade  to  every  Dutch 
denizen  who  should  readily  submit  to  His  Majesty’s  gov- 
ernment. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


309 


Peter  Stuyvesant  read  over  this  friendly  epistle  with 
some  such  harmony  of  aspect  as  we  may  suppose  a crusty 
farmer  reads  the  loving  letter  of  John  Stiles  warning  him 
of  an  action  of  ejectment.  He  was  not,  however,  to  be 
taken  by  surprise,  but  thrusting  the  summons  into  his 
breeches  pocket,  stalked  three  times  across  the  room,  took 
a pinch  of  snuff  with  great  vehemence,  and  then,  loftily 
waving  his  hand,  promised  to  send  an  answer  the  next  morn- 
ing. He  now  summoned  a general  meeting  of  his  privy 
councilors  and  burgomasters — not  to  ask  their  advice,  for, 
confident  in  his  own  strong  head,  he  needed  no  man's 
counsel,  but  apparently  to  give  them  a piece  of  his  mind 
on  their  late  craven  conduct. 

His  orders  being  duly  promulgated,  it  was  a piteous 
sight  to  behold  the  late  valiant  burgomasters,  who  had  de- 
molished the  whole  British  empire  in  their  harangues,  peep- 
ing ruefully  out  of  their  hiding-places,  crawling  cautiously 
forth,  dodging  through  narrow  lanes  and  alleys,  starting  at 
every  little  dog  that  barked,  mistaking  lamp-posts  for  Brit- 
ish grenadiers,  and  in  the  excess  of  their  panic  metamor- 
phosing pumps  into  formidable  soldiers  levelling  blunder- 
busses  at  their  bosoms!  Having,  however,  in  despite  of  nu- 
merous perils  and  difficulties  of  the  kind,  arrived  safe  with- 
out the  loss  of  a single  man,  at  the  hall  of  assembly,  they 
took  their  seats  and  awaited  in  fearful  silence  the  arrival 
of  the  governor.  In  a few  moments  the  wooden  leg  of  the 
intrepid  Peter  was  heard  in  regular  and  stout  hearted 
thumps  upon  the  stair-case.  He  entered  the  chamber  ar- 
rayed in  full  suit  of  regimentals,  and  carrying  his  trusty 
toledo,  not  girded  on  his  thigh,  but  tucked  under  his  arm. 
As  the  governor  never  equipped  himself  in  this  portentous 
manner  unless  something  of  martial  nature  were  working 
within  his  pericranium,  his  council  regarded  him  ruefully, 
as  if  they  saw  fire  and  sword  in  his  iron  countenance,  and 
forgot  to  light  their  pipes  in  breathless  suspense. 

His  first  words  were  to  rate  his  council  soundly  for  hav- 
ing wasted  in  idle  debate  and  party  feud  the  time  which 
should  have  been  devoted  to  putting  the  city  in  a state  of 
defense.  He  was  particularly  indignant  at  those  brawlers 
who  had  disgraced  the  councils  of  the  province  by  empty 
bickerings  and  scurrilous  invectives  against  an  absent  en- 
emy. He  now  called  upon  them  to  make  good  their  words 
by  deeds,  as  the  enemy  they  had  defied  and  derided  was  at 


310 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


the  gate.  Finally,  he  informed  them  of  the  summons  he 
had  received  to  surrender,  but  concluded  by  swearing  to 
defend  the  province  as  long  as  Heaven  was  on  his  side 
and  he  had  a wooden  leg  to  stand  upon;  which  warlike 
sentence  he  emphasized  by  a thwack  with  the  flat  of 
his  sword  upon  the  table  that  quite  electrified  his  audi- 
tors. 

The  privy  councilors,  who  had  long  since  been  brought 
into  as  perfect  discipline  as  were  ever  the  soldiers  of  the 
great  Frederick,  knew  there  was  no  use  in  saying  a word — 
so  lighted  their  pipes,  and  smoked  away  in  silence,  like  fat 
and  discreet  councilors.  But  the  burgomasters,  being  in- 
flated with  considerable  importance  and  self-sufficiency, 
acquired  at  popular  meetings,  were  not  so  easily  satisfied. 
Mustering  up  fresh  spirit  when  they  found  there  was  some 
chance  of  escaping  from  their  present  jeopardy  witlioutthe 
disagreeable  alternative  of  fighting,  they  requested  a copy 
of  the  summons  to  surrender,  that  they  might  show  it  to  a 
general  meeting  of  the  people. 

So  insolent  and  mutinous  a request  would  have  been 
enough  to  have  roused  the  gorge  of  the  tranquil  Van  Twil- 
ler  himself;  what  then  must  have  been  its  effect  upon  the 
great  Stuyvesant,  who  was  not  only  a Dutchman,  a gov- 
ernor, and  valiant  wooden-legged  soldier  to  boot,  but 
withal  a man  of  the  most  stomachful  and  gunpowder  dis- 
position? He  burst  forth  into  a blaze  of  indignation — 
swore  not  a mother’s  son  of  them  should  see  a syllable  of 
it;  that  as  to  their  advice  or  concurrence,  he  did  not  care 
a whiff  of  tobacco  for  either;  that  they  might  go  home 
and  go  to  bed  like  old  women,  for  he  was  determined  to  de- 
fend a colony  himself,  without  the  assistance  of  them  or 
their  adherents!  So  saying,  he  tucked  his  sword  under  his 
arm,  cocked  his  hat  upon  his  head,  and  girding  up  his 
loins,  stumped  indignantly  out  of  the  council-chamber, 
everybody  making  room  for  him  as  he  passed. 

No  sooner  was  he  gone  than  the  busy  burgomasters  called 
a public  meeting  in  front  of  the  stadt-house,  where  they 
appointed  as  chairman  one  Dofue  Roerback,  formerly  a 
meddlesome  member  of  the  cabinet  during  the  reign  of 
William  the  Testy,  but  kicked  out  of  office  by  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant on  taking  the  reins  of  government.  He  was,  withal, 
a mighty  gingerbread-baker  in  the  land,  and  reverenced 
by  the  populace  as  a man  of  dark  knowledge,  seeing  that 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


311 


he  was  the  first  to  imprint  New  Year  cakes  with  the  mys- 
terious hieroglyphics  of  the  Cock  and  Breeches  and  such 
like  magical  devices. 

This  burgomaster,  who  still  chewed  the  end  of  ill-will 
against  Peter  Stuyvesant,  addressed  the  multitude  in  what 
is  called  a patriotic  speech,  informing  them  of  the  courteous 
summons  which  the  governor  had  received  to  surrender,  of 
his  refusal  to  comply  therewith,  and  of  his  denying  the 
public  even  a sight  of  the  summons,  which  doubtless  con- 
tained conditions  highly  to  the  honor  and  advantage  of  the 
province. 

He  then  proceeded  to  speak  of  His  Excellency  in  high- 
sounding  terms  of  vituperation  suited  to  the  dignity  of  his 
station,  comparing  him  to  Nero,  Caligula,  and  other  fla- 
grant great  men  of  yore,  assuring  the  people  that  the  his- 
tory of  the  world  did  not  contain  a despotic  outrage  equal 
to  the  present — that  it  would  be  recorded  in  letters  of  fire 
on  the  bloodstained  tablet  of  history — that  ages  would  roll 
back  with  sudden  horror  when  they  came  to  view  it — that 
the  womb  of  time  (by  the  way,  your  orators  and  writers 
take  strange  liberties  with  the  womb  of  time,  though  some 
would  fain  have  us  believe  that  time  is  an  old  gentleman), 
— that  the  womb  of  time,  pregnant  as  it  was  with  direful 
horrors,  would  never  produce  a parallel  enormity — with  a 
variety  of  other  heart-rending,  soul-stirring  tropes  and  fig- 
ures which  I cannot  enumerate;  neither,  indeed,  need  I for 
they  were  of  the  kind  which  even  to  the  present  day  forms 
the  style  of  popular  harangues  and  patriotic  orators,  and 
may  be  classed  in  rhetoric  under  the  general  title  of  Rig- 
marole. 

The  result  of  this  speech  of  the  inspired  burgomaster  was 
a memorial  addressed  to  the  governor  remonstrating  in 
good  round  terms  on  his  conduct.  It  was  proposed  that 
Dofue  Roerback  himself  should  be  the  bearer  of  this  me- 
moral,  but  this  he  warily  declined,  having  no  inclination 
of  coming  again  within  kicking  distance  of  His  Excellency. 
Who  did  deliver  it  has  never  been  named  in  history,  in 
which  neglect  he  has  suffered  grievous  wrong,  seeing  that 
he  was  equally  worthy  of  blazon  with  him  perpetuated  in 
Scottish  song  and  story  by  the  surname  of  Bell-the-cat. 
All  we  know  of  the  fate  of  this  memorial  is,  that  it  was 
used  by  the  grim  Peter  to  light  his  pipe,  which,  from  the 
vehemence  with  which  he  smoked  it,  was  evidently  any- 
thing but  a pipe  of  peace. 


312 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


CHAPTER  X. 

CONTAINING  A DOLEFUL  DISASTER  OF  ANTONY  THE  TRUM- 
PETER— AND  HOW  PETER  STUYVESANT,  LIKE  A SECOND 
CROMWELL,  SUDDENLY  DISSOLVED  A RUMP  PARLIA- 
MENT. 

Now  did  the  high-minded  Pieter  de  Groodt  shower  down 
a pannier-load  of  maledictions  upon  his  burgomasters  fora 
set  of  self-willed,  obstinate,  factious  varlets  who  would 
neither  be  convinced  nor  persuaded.  Nor  did  he  omit  to 
bestow  some  left-handed  compliments  upon  the  sovereign 
people  as  a herd  of  poltroons,  who  had  no  relish  for  the 
glorious  hardships  and  illustrious  misadventures  of  battle, 
but  would  rather  stay  at  home  and  eat  and  sleep  in  ignoble 
ease  then  fight  in  a ditch  for  immortality  and  a broken 
head. 

Resolutely  bent,  however,  upon  defending  his  beloved 
city  in  despite  even  of  itself,  he  called  unto  him  his  trusty 
Van  Corlear,  who  was  his  right  hand  man  in  all  times  of 
emergency.  Him  did  he  adjure  to  take  his  war-denounc- 
ing trumpet,  and,  mounting  his  horse,  to  beat  up  the  coun- 
try night  and  day,  sounding  the  alarm  along  the  pastoral 
borders  of  the  Bronx,  startling  the  wild  solitudes  of  Croton, 
arousing  the  rugged  yeomanry  of  Weehawk  and  Hoboken, 
the  mighty  men  of  battle  of  Tappan  Bay,  and  the  brave 
boys  of  Tarry-Town,  Petticoat- Lane,  and  Sleepy-Hollow 
— charging  them  one  and  all  to  sling  their  powder-horns, 
shoulder  their  fowling-pieces,  and  march  merrily  down  to 
the  Manhattoes. 

Now,  there  was  nothing  in  all  the  world,  the  divine 
sex  excepted,  that  Antony  Van  Corlear  loved  better  than 
errands  of  this  kind.  So  just  stopping  to  take  a lusty  din- 
ner, and  bracing  to  his  side  his  junk-pottle  well  charged 
with  heart-inspiring  Hollands,  he  issued  jollily  from  the 
city  gate,  which  looked  out  upon  what  is  at  present  called 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


313 


Broadway,  sounding  a farewell  strain  that  rung  in  spright- 
ly echoes  through  the  winding  streets  of  New  Amsterdam. 
Alas!  never  more  were  they  to  be  gladdened  by  the  melody 
of  their  favorite  trumpeter! 

It  was  a dark  and  stormy  night  when  the  good  Antony 
arrived  at  the  creek  (sagely  denominated  Haerlem  River ) 
which  separates  the  island  of  Manna-hata  from  the  main- 
land. The  wind  was  high,  the  elements  were  in  an  uproar 
and  no  Charon  could  be  found  to  ferry  the  adventurous 
sounder  of  brass  across  the  water.  For  a short  time  he 
vapored  like  an  impatient  ghost  upon  the  brink,  and  then, 
bethinking  himself  of  the  urgency  of  his  errand,  took  a 
hearty  embrace  of  his  stone  pottle,  swore  most  valorously 
that  he  would  swim  across  in  spite  of  the  devil  (Spyt  den 
Duyvel),  and  daringly  plunged  into  the  stream.  Luckless 
Antony!  Scarce  had  he  buffeted  halfway  over  when  he 
was  observed  to  struggle  violently,  as  if  battling  with  the 
spirit  of  the  waters:  instinctively  he  put  his  trumpet  to  his 
mouth,  and,  giving  a vehement  blast,  sank  forever  to  the 
bottom! 

The  clangor  of  his  trumpet,  like  that  of  the  ivory  horn 
of  the  renowned  Paladin  Orlando  when  expiring  in  the 
glorious  field  of  Roncesvalles,  rang  far  and  wide  through 
the  country,  alarming  the  neighbors  round,  who  hurried  in 
amazement  to  the  spot.  Here  an  old  Dutch  burgher  famed 
for  his  veracity,  and  who  had  been  a witness  of  the  fact 
related  to  them  the  melancholy  affair,  with  the  fearful  ad- 
dition (to  which  I am  slow  of  giving  belief)  that  he  saw 
the  duyvel,  in  the  shape  of  a huge  moss-bonker,  seize  the 
sturdy  Antony  by  the  leg  and  drag  him  beneath  the  waves. 
Certain  it  is,  the  place  with  the  adjoining  promontory, 
which  projects  into  the  Hudson,  has  been  called  Spyt  den 
Duyvel  ever  since,  the  ghost  of  the  unfortunate  Antony 
still  haunts  the  surrounding  solitudes,  and  his  trumpet  has 
often  been  heard  by  the  neighbors,  of  a stormy  night, 
mingling  with  the  howling  of  the  blast.  Nobody  ever  at- 
tempts to  swim  across  the  creek  after  dark — on  the  contrary 
a bridge  has  been  built  to  guard  against  such  melancholy 
accidents  in  future — and  as  to  moss  bonkers,  they  are  held 
in  such  abhorrence  that  no  true  Dutchman  will  admit  them 
to  his  table  who  loves  good  fish  and  hates  the  devil. 

Such  was  the  end  of  Antony  Van  Corlear,  a man  deserv- 
ing of  a better  fate.  He  lived  roundly  and  soundly,  like  a 


314 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK 


true  and  jolly  bachelor,  until  the  day  of  his  death;  but, 
though  he  was  never  married,  yet  did  he  leave  behind  some 
two  or  three  dozen  children  in  different  parts  of  the  coun- 
try— fine,  chubby,  brawling,  flatulent  little  urchins,  from 
whom,  if  legends  speak  true  (and  they  are  not  apt  to  lie), 
did  descend  the  innumerable  race  of  editors  who  people 
and  defend  this  country,  and  who  are  bountifully  paid  by 
the  people  for  keeping  up  a constant  alarm  and  making 
them  miserable.  It  is  hinted,  too,  that  in  his  various  ex- 
peditions into  the  east  he  did  much  toward  promoting  the 
population  of  the  country;  in  proof  of  which  is  adduced 
the  notorious  propensity  of  the  people  of  those  parts  to 
sound  their  own  trumpet. 

As  some  wayworn  pilgrim,  when  the  tempest  whistles 
through  his  locks  and  night  is  gathering  round,  beholds 
his  faithful  dog,  the  companion  and  solace  of  his  journey- 
ing, stretched  lifeless  at  his  feet,  so  did  the  generous-heart- 
ed hero  of  the  Manhattoes  contemplate  the  untimely  end  of 
Antony  Yan  Corlear.  He  had  been  the  faithful  attendant 
of  his  footsteps,  he  had  charmed  him  in  many  a weary  hour 
by  his  honest  gayety  and  the  martial  melody  of  his  trum- 
pet, and  had  followed  him  with  unflinching  loyalty  and 
affection  through  many  a scene  of  direful  peril  and  mishap. 
He  was  gone  forever!  and  that,  too,  at  a moment  when 
every  mongrel  cur  was  skulking  from  his  side.  This,  Peter 
Stuyvesant,  was  the  moment  to  try  thy  fortitude,  and  this 
was  the  moment  when  thou  didst  indeed  shine  forth  Peter 
the  Headstrong! 

The  glare  of  day  had  long  dispelled  the  horrors  of  the 
stormy  night;  still,  all  was  dull  and  gloomy.  The  late 
jovial  Apollo  hid  his  face  behind  lugubrious  clouds,  peep- 
ing out  now  and  then  for  an  instant,  as  if  anxibus,  yet  fear- 
ful, to  see  what  was  going  on  in  his  favorite  city.  This  was 
the  eventful  morning  when  the  great  Peter  was  to  give  his 
reply  to  the  summons  of  the  invaders.  Already  was  he 
closeted  with  his  privy  council,  sitting  in  grim  state,  brood- 
ing over  the  fate  of  his  favorite  trumpeter,  and  anon  boil- 
ing with  indignation  as  the  insolence  of  his  recreant  burgo- 
masters flashed  upon  his  mind.  While  in  this  state  of 
irritation  a courier  arrived  in  all  haste  from  Winthorp, 
the  subtle  governor  of  Connecticut,  counseling  him,  in  the 
most  affectionate  and  disinterested  manner,  to  surrender  the 
province,  and  magnifying  the  dangers  and  calamities  to 


HISTORY  OF  HEW  YORK . 


315 


which  a refusal  would  subject  him.  What  a moment  was 
this  to  intrude  officious  advice  upon  a man  who  never  took 
advice  in  his  whole  life!  The  fiery  old  governor  strode  up 
and  down  the  chamber  with  a vehemence  that  made  the 
bosoms  of  his  councilors  to  quake  with  awe,  railing  at  his 
unlucky  fate  that  thus  made  him  the  constant  butt  of 
factious  subjects  and  jesuitical  advisers. 

Just  at  this  ill-chosen  juncture  the  officious  burgomasters, 
who  had  heard  of  the  arrival  of  mysterious  despatches, 
came  marching  in  a body  into  the  room,  with  a legion  of 
schepens  and  toad-eaters  at  their  heels,  and  abruptly  de- 
manded a perusal  of  the  letter.  This  was  too  much  for  the 
spleen  of  Peter  Stuyvesant.  He  tore  the  letter  in  a thou- 
sand pieces,  threw  it  in  the  face  of  the  nearest  burgomaster, 
broke  his  pipe  over  the  head  of  the  next,  hurled  his  spit- 
ting-box at  an  unlucky  schepen  who  was  just  retreating 
out  at  the  door,  and  finally  prorogued  the  whole  meet- 
ing sine  die  by  kicking  them  down  stairs  with  his  wooden 
leg. 

As  soon  as  the  burgomasters  could  recover  from  their 
confusion  and  had  time  to  breathe  they  called  a public 
meeting,  where  they  related  at  full  length,  and  with  appro- 
priate coloring  and  exaggeration,  the  despotic  and  vindic- 
tive deportment  of  the  governor,  declaring  that,  for  their 
own  parts,  they  did  not  value  a straw  the  being  kicked, 
cuffed,  and  mauled  by  the  timber  toe  of  His  Excellency, 
but  that  they  felt  for  the  dignity  of  the  sovereign  people 
thus  rudely  insulted  by  the  outrage  committed  on  the  seat 
of  honor  of  their  representatives.  The  latter  part  of  the 
harangue  came  home  at  once  to  that  delicacy  of  feeling  and 
jealous  pride  of  character  vested  in  all  true  mobs,  who, 
though  they  may  bear  injuries  without  a murmur,  yet  are 
marvelously  jealous  of  their  sovereign  dignity;  and  there 
is  no  knowing  to  what  act  of  resentment  they  might  have 
been  provoked,  had  they  not  been  somewhat  more  afraid 
of  their  sturdy  old  governor  than  they  were  of  St.  Nich- 
olas, the  English,  or  the  d 1 himself. 


316 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

HOW  PETER  STUYVESANT  DEFENDED  THE  CITY  OF  NEW 

AMSTERDAM  FOR  SEVERAL  DAYS,  BY  DINT  OF  THE 

STRENGTH  OF  HIS  HEAD. 

There  is  something  exceedingly  sublime  and  melan- 
choly in  the  spectacle  which  the  present  crisis  of  our  his- 
tory presents.  An  illustrious  and  venerable  little  city, 
the  metropolis  of  a vast  extent  of  uninhabited  country, 
garrisoned  by  a doughty  host  of  orators,  chairmen,  commit- 
tee-men, burgomasters,  schepens,  and  old  women,  governed 
by  a determined  and  strong-headed  warrior,  and  fortified  by 
mud-batteries,  palisadoes,  and  resolutions,  blockaded  by 
sea,  beleaguered  by  land,  and  threatened  with  direful  des- 
olation from  without,  while  its  very  vitals  are  torn  with 
internal  faction  and  commotion!  Never  did  historic  pen 
record  a page  of  more  complicated  distress,  unless  it  be  the 
strife  that  distracted  the  Israelites  during  the  siege  of 
Jerusalem,  where  discordant  parties  were  cutting  each 
other’s  throats  at  the  moment  when  the  victorious  legions 
of  Titus  had  toppled  down  their  bulwarks  and  were  carry- 
ing fire  and  sword  into  the  very  sanctum  sanctorum  of  the 
temple. 

Governor  Stuyvesant  having  triumphantly  put  his  grand 
council  to  the  rout,  and  delivered  himself  from  a multitude 
of  impertinent  advisers,  dispatched  a categorical  reply  to 
the  commanders  of  the  invading  squadron,  wherein  he  as- 
serted the  right  and  title  of  their  High  Mightinesses  the 
Lords  States  General  to  the  province  of  New  Netherlands, 
and  trusting  in  the  righteousness  of  his  cause,  set  the  whole 
British  nation  at  defiance! 

My  anxiety  to  extricate  my  readers  and  myself  from 
these  disastrous  scenes  prevents  me  from  giving  the  whole 
of  this  gallant  letter,  which  concluded  in  these  manly  and 
affectionate  terms: 

“ As  touching  the  threats  in  your  conclusion,  we  have 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


317 


nothing  to  answer,  only  that  we  fear  nothing  but  what  God 
(who  is  as  just  as  merciful)  shall  lay  upon  us,  all  things 
being  in  His  gracious  disposal;  and  we  may  as  well  be  pre- 
served by  Him  with  small  forces  as  by  a great  army;  which 
makes  us  to  wish  you  all  happiness  and  prosperity,  and 
recommend  you  to  His  protection.  My  lords,  your  thrice 
humble  and  affectionate  servant  and  friend, 

“P.  Stuyvesakt  ” 

Thus  having  thrown  his  gauntlet,  the  brave  Peter  stuck 
a pair  of  horse-pistols  in  his  belt,  girded  an  immense  pow- 
der-horn on  his  side,  thrust  his  sound  leg  into  a Hessian 
boot,  and  clapping  his  fierce  little  war-hat  on  the  top  of  his 
head,  paraded  up  and  down  in  front  of  his  house,  deter- 
mined to  defend  his  beloved  city  to  the  last. 

While  all  these  struggles  and  dissensions  were  prevailing 
in  the  unhappy  city  of  New  Amsterdam,  and  while  its  wor- 
thy but  ill-starred  governor  was  framing  the  above-quoted 
letter,  the  English  commanders  did  not  remain  idle.  They 
had  agents  secretly  employed  to  foment  the  fears  and  clam- 
ors of  the  populace,  and  moreover  circulated  far  and  wide 
through  the  adjacent  country  a proclamation  repeating  the 
terms  they  had  already  held  out  in  their  summons  to  sur- 
render, at  the  same  time  beguiling  the  simple  Nederlandt- 
ers  with  the  most  crafty  and  conciliating  professions.  They 
promised  that  every  man  who  voluntarily  submitted  to  the 
authority  of  His  British  Majesty  should  retain  peaceful 
possession  of  his  house,  his  vrouw,  and  his  cabbage-garden, 
that  he  should  be  suffered  to  smoke  his  pipe,  speak  Dutch; 
wear  as  many  breeches  as  he  pleased,  and  import  bricks, 
tiles,  and  stone  jugs  from  Holland,  instead  of  manufactur- 
ing them  on  the  spot;  that  he  should  on  no  account  be 
compelled  to  learn  the  English  language,  nor  eat  codfish 
on  Saturdays,  nor  keep  accounts  in  any  other  way  than  by 
casting  them  up  on  his  fingers  and  chalking  them  down 
upon  the  crown  of  his  hat,  as  is  observed  among  the  Dutch 
yeomanry  at  the  present  day  ; that  every  man  should  be 
allowed  quietly  to  inherit  his  father’s  hat,  coat,  shoe-buckles, 
pipe,  and  every  other  personal  appendage  ; and  that  no  man 
should  be  obliged  to  conform  to  any  improvements,  inven- 
tions, or  any  other  modern  innovations,  but,  on  the  con- 
trary, should  be  permitted  to  build  his  house,  follow  his 
trade,  manage  his  farm,  rear  his  hogs,  and  educate  his  chil- 


318 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


dren  precisely  as  his  ancestors  had  done  before  him  from 
time  immemorial.  Finally,  that  he  should  have  all  the 
benefits  of  free  trade,  and  should  not  be  required  to  acknowl- 
edge any  other  saint  in  the  calendar  than  St.  Nicholas, 
who  should  thenceforward,  as  before,  be  considered  the 
tutelar  saint  of  the  city. 

These  terms,  as  may  be  supposed,  appeared  very  satis- 
factory to  the  people,  who  had  a great  disposition  to  enjoy 
their  property  unmolested,  and  a most  singular  aversion  to 
engage  in  a contest  where  they  could  gain  little  more  than 
honor  and  broken  heads — the  first  of  which  they  held  in 
philosophic  indifference,  the  latter  in  utter  detestation. 
By  these  insidious  means,  therefore,  did  the  English  suc- 
ceed in  alienating  the  confidence  and  affections  of  the  pop- 
ulace from  their  gallant  old  governor,  whom  they  considered 
as  obstinately  bent  upon  running  them  into  hideous  misad- 
ventures, and  did  not  hesitate  to  speak  their  minds  freely 
and  abuse  him  most  heartily — behind  his  back. 

Like  as  a mighty  grampus,  when  assailed  and  buffeted  by 
roaring  waves  and  brawling  surges,  still  keeps  on  an  un- 
deviating course,  rising  above  the  boisterous  billows,  spout- 
ing and  blowing  as  he  emerges,  so  did  the  inflexible  Peter 
pursue,  unwavering,  his  determined  career,  and  rise,  con- 
temptuous, above  the  clamors  of  the  rabble. 

But  when  the  British  warriors  found  that  he  set  their 
power  at  defiance,  they  dispatched  recruiting  officers  to 
Jamaica,  and  Jericho,  and  Nineveh,  and  Quag,  and 
Patchog,  and  all  those  towns  on  Long  Island  which  had 
been  subdued  of  yore  by  Stoffel  Brinkerhoff,  stirring  up 
the  progeny  of  Preserved  Fish  and  Determined  Cock  and 
those  other  New  England  squatters  to  assail  the  city  of 
New  Amsterdam  by  land,  while  the  hostile  ships  prepared 
for  an  assault  by  water. 

The  streets  of  New  Amsterdam  now  presented  a scene  of 
wild  dismay  and  consternation.  In  vain  did  Peter  Stuy- 
vesant  order  the  citizens  to  arm  and  assemble  on  the  Bat- 
tery. Blank  terror  reigned  over  the  community.  The 
whole  party  of  Short  Pipes  in  the  course  of  a single  night 
had  changed  into  arrant  old  women — a metamorphosis 
only  to  be  paralleled  by  the  prodigies  recorded  by  Livy  as 
having  happened  at  Rome  at  the  approach  of  Hannibal, 
when  statues  sweated  in  pure  affright,  goats  were  converted 
into  sheep,  and  cocks,  turning  into  hens,  ran  cackling 
about  the  street. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


319 


Thus  baffled  in  all  attempts  to  put  the  city  in  a state  of 
defense,  blockaded  from  without,  tormented  from  within, 
and  menaced  with  a Yankee  invasion,  even  the  stiff-necked 
will  of  Peter  Stuyvesant  for  once  gave  way,  and  in  spite  of 
his  mighty  heart,  which  swelled  in  his  throat  until  it  nearly 
choked  him,  he  consented  to  a treaty  of  surrender. 

Words  cannot  express  the  transports  of  the  populace  on 
receiving  this  intelligence ; had  they  obtained  a conquest 
over  their  enemies  they  could  not  have  indulged  greater 
delight.  The  streets  resounded  with  their  congratulations  ; 
they  extolled  their  governor  as  the  father  and  deliverer  of 
his  country ; they  crowded  to  his  house  to  testify  their 
gratitude,  and  were  ten  times  more  noisy  in  their  plaudits 
than  when  he  returned,  with  victory  perched  upon  his 
beaver,  from  the  glorious  capture  of  Fort  Christina.  But 
the  indignant  Peter  shut  his  doors  and  windows,  and  took 
refuge  in  the  innermost  recesses  of  his  mansion,  that  he 
might  not  hear  the  ignoble  rejoicings  of  the  rabble. 

Commissioners  were  now  appointed  on  both  sides  and  a 
capitulation  was  speedily  arranged ; all  that  was  wanting 
to  ratify  it  was  that  it  should  be  signed  by  the  governor. 
When  the  commissioners  waited  upon  him  for  this  purpose 
they  were  received  with  grim  and  bitter  courtesy.  His 
warlike  accoutrements  were  laid  aside ; an  old  Indian 
night-gown  was  wrapped  about  his  rugged  limbs,  a red 
night-cap  overshadowed  his  frowning  brow,  an  iron-gray 
beard  of  three  days*  growth  gave  additional  grimness  to 
his  visage.  Thrice  did  he  seize  a worn-out  stump  of  a pen 
and  essay  to  sign  the  loathsome  paper — thrice  did  he  clinch 
his  teeth  and  make  a horrible  countenance,  as  though  a 
dose  of  rhubarb,  senna;  and  ipecacuanha  had  been  offered 
to  his  lips;  at  length,  dashing  it  from  him,  he  seized  his 
brass-hilted  sword,  and,  jerking  it  from  the  scabbard,  swore 
by  St.  Nicholas  to  sooner  die  than  yield  to  any  power  under 
heaven. 

For  two  whole  days  did  he  persist  in  this  magnanimous 
resolution,  during  which  his  house  was  besieged  by  the  rab- 
ble, and  menaces  and  clamorous  revilings  exhausted  to  no 
purpose.  And  now  another  course  was  adopted  to  soothe, 
if  possible,  his  mighty  ire.  A procession  was  formed  by 
the  burgomasters  and  sehepens,  followed  by  the  populace, 
to  bear  the  capitulation  in  state  to  the  governors  dwelling. 
They  found  the  castle  strongly  barricadoed,  and  the  old 


320 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


hero  in  full  regimentals,  with  his  cocked  hat  on  his  head, 
posted  with  a blunderbuss  at  the  garret  window. 

There  was  something  in  this  formidable  position  that 
struck  even  the  ignoble  vulgar  with  awe  and  admiration. 
The  brawling  multitude  could  not  but  reflect  with  self- 
abasement  upon  their  own  pusillanimous  conduct  when 
they  beheld  their  hardy  but  deserted  old  governor  thus 
faithful  to  his  post  like  a forlorn  hope,  and  fully  prepared 
to  defend  his  ungrateful  city  to  the  last.  These  compunc- 
tions, however,  were  soon  overwhelmed  by  the  recurring 
tide  of  public  apprehension.  The  populace  arranged  them- 
selves before  the  house,  taking  off  their  hats  with  most  re- 
spectful humility.  Burgomaster  Roerback,  who  was  of 
that  popular  class  of  orators  described  by  Sallust  as  being 
“ talkative  rather  than  eloquent, v stepped  forth  and  ad- 
dressed the  governor  in  a speech  of  three  hours*  length, 
detailing  in  the  most  pathetic  terms  the  calamitous  situa- 
tion of  the  province,  and  urging  him,  in  a constant  repeti- 
tion of  the  same  arguments  and  words,  to  sign  the  capitu- 
lation. 

The  mighty  Peter  eyed  him  from  his  garret  window  in 
grim  silence ; now  and  then  his  eye  would  glance  over  the 
surrounding  rabble,  and  an  indignant  grin,  like  that  of  an 
angry  mastiff,  would  mark  his  iron  visage.  But,  though  a 
man  of  most  undaunted  mettle,  though  he  had  a heart  as 
big  as  an  ox  and  a head  that  would  have  set  adamant  to 
scorn,  yet,  after  all  he  was  a mere  mortal.  Wearied  out 
by  these  repeated  oppositions  and  this  eternal  haranguing, 
and  perceiving  that  unless  he  complied  the_  inhabitants 
would  follow  their  own  inclination,  or  rather  their  fears, 
without  waiting  for  his  consent,  or,  what  was  still  worse, 
the  Yankees  would  have  time  to  pour  in  their  forces  and 
claim  a share  in  the  conquest,  he  testily  ordered  them  to 
hand  up  the  paper.  It  was  accordingly  hoisted  to  him  on 
the  end  of  a pole,  and  having  scrawled  his  name  at  the 
bottom  of  it,  he  anathematized  them  all  for  a set  of  cow- 
ardly, mutinous,  degenerate  poltroons,  threw  the  capitula- 
tion at  their  heads,  slammed  down  the  window,  and  was 
heard  stumping  down  stairs  with  vehement  indignation. 
The  rabble  incontinently  took  to  their  heels  ; even  the 
burgomasters  were  not  slow  in  evacuating  the  premises, 
fearing  lest  the  sturdy  Peter  might  issue  from  his  den  and 
greet  them  with  some  unwelcome  testimonial  of  his  dis- 
pleasure. 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


321 


Within  three  hours  after  the  surrender  a legion  of  Brit- 
ish beef-fed  warriors  poured  into  New  Amsterdam,  taking 
possession  of  the  fort  and  batteries.  And  now  might  be 
heard  from  all  quarters  the  sound  of  hammers  made  by  the 
old  Dutch  burghers  in  nailing  up  their  doors  and  win- 
dows to  protect  their  vrouws  from  these  tierce  barbarians, 
whom  they  contemplated  in  silent  sullenness  from  the  gar- 
ret windows  as  they  paraded  through  the  streets. 

Thus  did  Colonel  Richard  Nichols,  the  commander  of 
the  British  forces,  enter  into  quiet  possession  of  the  con- 
quered realm  as  locum  tenens  for  the  Duke  of  York.  The 
victory  was  attended  with  no  other  outrage  than  that  of 
changing  the  name  of  the  province  and  its  metropolis, 
which  thenceforth  were  denominated  New  York,  and  so 
have  continued  to  be  called  unto  the  present  day.  The  in- 
habitants, according  to  treaty,  were  allowed  to  maintain 
quiet  possession  of  their  property;  but  so  inveterately  did 
they  retain  their  abhorrence  of  the  British  nation  that  in 
a private  meeting  of  the  leading  citizens  it  was  unani- 
mously determined  never  to  ask  any  of  their  conquerors 
to  dinner. 

NOTE 

Modern  historians  assert  that  when  the  New  Netherlands  were 
thus  overrun  by  the  British,  as  Spain  in  ancient  days  by  the  Sara- 
cens, a resolute  band  refused  to  bend  the  neck  to  the  invader.  Led 
by  one  Garret  Van  Horne,  a valorous  and  gigantic  Dutchman,  they 
crossed  the  bay  and  buried  themselves  among  the  marshes  and  cab- 
bage-gardens of  Communipaw.  as  did  Pelayo  and  his  followers 
among  the  mountains  of  Asturias.  Here  their  descendants  have 
remained  ever  since,  keeping  themselves  apart,  like  seed  corn,  to 
repeople  the  city  with  the  genuine  breed  whenever  it  shall  be  effect- 
ually recovered  from  its  intruders.  It  is  said  the  genuine  descend- 
ants of  the  Nederlandters  who  inhabit  New  York  still  look  with 
longing  eyes  to  the  green  marshes  of  ancient  Pavonia,  as  did  the 
conquered  Spaniards  of  yore  to  the  stern  mountains  of  Asturias, 
considering  these  the  regions  whence  deliverance  is  to  come. 


322 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

CONTAINING  THE  DIGNIFIED  RETIREMENT  AND  MORTAL 
SURRENDER  OF  PETER  THE  HEADSTRONG. 

Thus,  then,  have  I concluded  this  great  historical  enter- 
prise; but  before  I lay  aside  my  weary  pen  there  yet  re- 
mains to  be  performed  one  pious  duty.  If  among  the 
variety  of  readers  who  may  peruse  this  book  there  should 
haply  be  found  any  of  those  souls  of  true  nobility  which 
glow  with  celestial  fire  at  the  history  of  the  generous  and 
the  brave,  they  will  doubtless  be  anxious  to  know  the  fate 
of  the  gallant  Peter  Stuyvesant.  To  gratify  one  such  ster- 
ling heart  of  gold  I would  go  more  lengths  than  to  instruct 
the  cold-blooded  curiosity  of  a whole  fraternity  of  phi- 
losophers. 

No  sooner  had  that  high-mettled  cavalier  signed  the 
articles  of  capitulation  than,  determined  not  to  witness  the 
humiliation  of  his  favorite  city,  he  turned  his  back  on  its 
walls  and  made  a growling  retreat  to  his  bomvery , or  coun- 
try-seat, which  was  situated  about  two  miles  off,  where  he 
passed  the  remainder  of  his  days  in  patriarchal  retirement. 
There  he  enjoyed  that  tranquility  of  mind  which  he  had 
never  known  amid  the  distracting  cares  of  government,  and 
tasted  the  sweets  of  absolute  and  uncontroled  authority, 
which  his  factious  subjects  had  so  often  dashed  with  the 
bitterness  of  opposition. 

No  persuasions  could  ever  induce  him  to  revisit  the  city; 
on  the  contrary,  he  would  always  have  his  great  arm-chair 
placed  with  its  back  to  the  windows  which  looked  in  that 
direction,  until  a thick  grove  of  trees  planted  by  his  own 
hand  grew  up  and  formed  a screen  that  effectually  excluded 
it  from  the  prospect.  He  railed  continually  at  the  degen- 
erate innovations  and  improvements  introduced  by  the 
conquerors,  forbade  a word  of  their  detested  language  to 
be  spoken  in  his  family — a prohibition  readily  obeyed, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


m 


since  none  of  the  household  could  speak  anything  but 
Dutch— and  even  ordered  a fine  avenue  to  be  cut  down  in 
front  of  his  house  because  it  consisted  of  English  cherry 
trees. 

The  same  incessant  vigilance  which  blazed  forth  when  he 
had  a vast  province  under  his  care  now  showed  itself  with 
equal  vigor,  though  in  narrower  limits.  He  patroled  with 
unceasing  watchfulness  the  boundaries  of  his  little  terri- 
tory, repelled  every  encroachment  with  intrepid  prompt- 
ness, punished  every  vagrant  depredation  upon  his  orchard 
or  his  farm-yard  with  inflexible  severity,  and  conducted 
every  stray  hog  or  cow  in  triumph  to  the  pound.  But  to 
the  indigent  neighbor,  the  friendless  stranger,  or  the  weary 
wanderer  his  spacious  doors  were  ever  open,  and  his  capa- 
cious fire-place,  that  emblem  of  his  own  warm  and  gener- 
ous heart,  had  always  a corner  to  receive  and  cherish  them. 
There  was  an  exception  to  this,  I must  confess,  in  case  the 
ill-starred  applicant  were  an  Englishman  or  a Yankee;  to 
whom,  though  he  might  extend  the  hand  of  assistance,  he 
could  never  be  brought  to  yield  the  rites  of  hospitality. 
Nay,  if  peradventure  some  straggling  merchant  of  the  east 
should  stop  at  his  door  with  his  cart-load  of  tinware  or 
wooden  bowls,  the  fiery  Peter  would  issue  forth  like  a 
giant  from  his  castle,  and  make  such  a furious  clattering 
among  his  pots  and  kettles  that  the  vender  of  “notions” 
was  fain  to  betake  himself  to  instant  flight. 

His  suit  of  regimentals,  worn  threadbare  by  the  brush, 
were  carefully  hung  up  in  the  state  bed-chamber,  and 
regularly  aired  the  first  fair  day  of  every  month,  and  his 
cocked  hat  and  trusty  sword  were  suspended  in  grim  repose 
over  the  parlor  mantel-piece,  forming  supporters  to  a full- 
length  portrait  of  the  renowned  admiral  Van  Tromp.  In 
his  domestic  empire  he  maintained  strict  discipline  and  a 
well  organized  despotic  government;  but  though  his  own 
will  was  the  supreme  law,  yet  the  good  of  his  subjects  was 
his  constant  object.  He  watched  over  not  merely  their 
immediate  comforts,  but  their  morals  and  their  ultimate 
welfare;  for  he  gave  them  abundance  of  excellent  admo- 
nition, nor  could  any  of  them  complain  that  when  occasion 
required  he  was  by  any  means  niggardly  in  bestowing  whole- 
some correction. 

The  good  old  Dutch  festivals,  those  periodical  demonstra- 
tions of  an  overflowing  heart  and  a thankful  spirit  which 


324 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


are  falling  into  sad  disuse  among  my  fellow-citizens,  were 
faithfully  observed  in  the  mansion  of  Governor  Stuyvesant. 
New  Year  was  truly  a day  of  open-handed  liberality,  of 
jocund  revelry,  and  warm-hearted  congratulation,  when 
the  bosom  swelled  with  genial  good-fellowship  and  the 
plenteous  table  was  attended  with  an  unceremonious  freedom 
and  honest,  broad-mouthed  merriment  unknown  in  these 
days  of  degeneracy  and  refinement.  Paas  and  Pinxter 
were  scrupulously  observed  throughout  his  dominions;  nor 
was  the  day  of  St.  Nicholas  suffered  to  pass  by  without 
making  presents,  hanging  the  stocking  in  the  chimney, 
and  complying  with  all  its  other  ceremonies. 

Once  a year,  on  the  first  day  of  April,  he  used  to  array 
himself  in  full  regimentals,  being  the  anniversary  of  his 
triumphal  entry  into  New  Amsterdam  after  the  conquest 
of  New  Sweden.  This  was  always  a kind  of  saturnalia 
among  the  domestics,  when  they  considered  themselves  at 
liberty,  in  some  measure,  to  say  and  do  what  they  pleased; 
for  on  this  day  their  master  was  always  observed  to  unbend 
and  become  exceeding  pleasant  and  jocose,  sending  the  old 
gray-headed  negroes  on  April-fool's  errands  for  pigeon's 
milk;  not  one  of  whom  but  allowed  himself  to  be  taken  in, 
and  humored  his  old  master's  jokes  as  became  a faithful 
and  well-disciplined  dependant.  Thus  did  he  reign 
happily  and  peacefully  on  his  own  land,  injuring  no  man, 
envying  no  man,  molested  by  no  outward  strifes,  perplexed 
by  no  internal  commotions;  and  the  mighty  monarchs  of 
the  earth,  who  were  vainly  seeking  to  maintain  peace  and 
promote  the  welfare  of  mankind  by  war  and  desolation, 
would  have  done  well  to  have  made  a voyage  to  the  little 
island  of  Manna-hata,  and  learned  a lesson  in  government 
from  the  domestic  economy  of  Peter  Stuyvesant. 

In  process  of  time,  however,  the  old  governor  like  all 
other  children  of  mortality,  began  to  exhibit  evident  tokens 
of  decay.  Like  an  aged  oak,  which,  though  it  long  has 
braved  the  fury  of  the  elements  and  still  retains  its  gigan- 
tic proportions,  begins  to  shake  and  groan  with  every  blast, 
so  was  it  with  the  gallant  Peter;  for,  though  he  still  bore 
the  port  and  semblance  of  what  he  was  in  the  days  of  his 
hardihood  and  chivalry,  yet  did  age  and  infirmity  begin  to 
sap  the  vigor  of  his  frame.  But  his  heart,  that  unconquer- 
able citadel,  still  triumphed  unsubdued.  With  matchless 
avidity  would  he  listen  to  every  article  of  intelligence  con- 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


325 


cerning  the  battles  between  the  English  and  Dutch;  still 
would  his  pulse  beat  high  whenever  he  heard  of  the  vic- 
tories of  De  Ruyter,  and  his  countenance  lower  and  his 
eyebrows  knit  when  fortune  turned  in  favor  of  the  English. 
At  length,  as  on  a certain  day  he  had  just  smoked  his  fifth 
pipe,  and  was  napping  after  dinner  in  his  arm-chair,  con- 
quering the  whole  British  nation  in  his  dreams,  he  was  sud- 
denly aroused  by  a ringing  of  bells,  rattling  of  drums,  and 
roaring  of  cannon  that  put  all  his  blood  in  a ferment.  But 
when  he  learnt  that  these  rejoicings  were  in  honor  of  a 
great  victory  obtained  by  the  combined  English  and  French 
fleets  over  the  brave  De  Ruyter  and  the  younger  Van 
Tromp,  it  went  so  much  to  his  heart  that  he  took  to  his 
bed,  and  in  less  than  three  days  was  brought  to  death’s 
door  by  a violent  cholera  morbus!  Even  in  this  extremity 
he  still  displayed  the  unconquerable  spirit  of  Peter  the 
Headstrong , holding  out  to  the  last  gasp  with  inflexible  ob- 
stinacy against  a whole  army  of  old  women  who  were  bent 
upon  driving  the  enemy  out  of  his  bowels,  in  the  true 
Dutch  mode  of  defense,  by  inundation. 

While  he  thus  lay,  lingering  on  the  verge  ot  dissolution 
news  was  brought  him  that  the  brave  De  Ruyter  had  made 
good  his  retreat  with  little  loss,  and  meant  once  more  to 
meet  the  enemy  in  battle.  The  closing  eye  of  the  old  war- 
rior kindled  with  martial  fire  at  the  words;  he  partly  raised 
himself  in  bed,  clinched  his  withered  hand,  as  if  he  felt 
within  his  gripe  that  sword  which  waved  in  triumph  before 
the  walls  of  Fort  Christina,  and,  giving  a grim  smile  of 
exultation,  sank  back  upon  his  pillow  and  expired. 

Thus  died  Peter  Stuyvesant,  a valiant  soldier,  a loyal 
subject,  an  upright  governor,  and  an  honest  Dutchman, 
who  wanted  only  a few  empires  to  desolate  to  have  been 
immortalized  as  a hero! 

Ilis  funeral  obsequies  were  celebrated  with  the  utmost 
grandeur  and  solemnity.  The  town  was  perfectly  emptied 
of  its  inhabitants,  who  crowded  in  throngs  to  pay  the  last 
sad  honors  to  their  good  old  governor.  All  his  sterling 
qualities  rushed  in  full  tide  upon  their  recollection,  while 
the  memory  of  his  foibles  and  his  faults  had  expired  with 
him.  The  ancient  burghers  contended  who  should  have 
the  privilege  of  bearing  the  pall;  the  populace  strove  who 
should  walk  nearest  to  the  bier;  and  the  melancholy  pro- 
cession was  closed  by  a number  of  gray-headed  negroes  who 


326 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


had  wintered  and  summered  in  the  household  of  their  de- 
parted master  for  the  greater  part  of  a century. 

With  sad  and  gloomy  countenances  the  multitude  gath- 
ered round  the  grave.  They  dwelt  with  mournful  hearts 
on  the  sturdy  virtues,  the  signal  services,  and  the  gallant 
exploits  of  the  brave  old  worthy.  They  recalled  with  se- 
cret upbraidings  their  own  factious  oppositions  to  his  gov- 
ernment, and  many  an  ancient  burgher,  whose  phlegmatic 
features  had  never  been  known  to  relax  nor  his  eyes  to 
moisten,  was  now  observed  to  puff  a pensive  pipe  and  the 
big  drop  to  steal  down  his  cheek,  while  he  muttered  with 
affectionate  accent  and  melancholy  shake  of  the  head, 

Well,  den!  Hardkoppig  Pieter  ben  gone  at  last!” 

His  remains  were  deposited  in  the  family  vault,  under  a 
chapel  which  he  had  piously  erected  on  his  estate,  and  ded- 
icated to  St.  Nicholas,  and  which  stood  on  the  identical 
spot  at  present  occupied  by  St.  Mark's  Church,  where  his 
tombstone  is  still  to  be  seen.  His  estate,  or  bouwery , as  it 
was  called,  has  ever  continued  in  the  possession  of  his  de- 
scendants, who  by  the  uniform  integrity  of  their  conduct 
and  their  strict  adherence  to  the  customs  and  manners  that 
prevailed  in  the  6 6 good  old  times”  have  proved  themselves 
worthy  of  their  illustrious  ancestor.  Many  a time  and  oft 
has  the  farm  been  haunted  at  night  by  enterprising  money- 
diggers  in  quest  of  pots  of  gold  said  to  have  been  buried  by 
the  old  governor,  though  I cannot  learn  that  any  of  them 
have  ever  been  enriched  by  their  researches;  and  who  is 
there  among  my  native-born  fellow-citizens  that  does  not 
remember  when,  in  the  mischievous  days  of  his  boyhood, 
he  conceived  it  a great  exploit  to  rob  “StuyvesanPs  or- 
chard” on  a holiday  afternoon? 

At  this  stronghold  of  the  family  may  still  be  seen  cer- 
tain memorials  of  the  immortal  Peter.  His  full-length 
portrait  frowns  in  martial  terrors  from  the  parlor  wall,  his 
cocked  hat  and  sword  still  hang  up  in  the  best  bedroom, 
his  brimstone-colored  breeches  were  for  a long  while  sus- 
pended in  the  hall,  until  some  years  since  they  occasioned 
a dispute  between  a new-married  couple,  and  his  silver- 
mounted  wooden  leg  is  still  treasured  up  in  the  storeroom 
as  an  invaluable  telic, 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK . 


327 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

THE  AUTHOR^  REFLECTIONS  UPON  WHAT  HAS  BEEN  SAID. 

Among  the  numerous  events  which  are  each  in  their 
turn  the  most  direful  and  melancholy  of  all  possible  occur- 
rences in  your  interesting  and  authentic  history,  there  is 
none  that  occasions  such  deep  and  heartrending  grief  as 
the  decline  and  fall  of  your  renowned  and  mighty  empires. 
Where  is  the  reader  who  can  contemplate  without  emotion 
the  disastrous  events  by  which  the  great  dynasties  of  the 
world  have  been  extinguished?  AVhile  wandering,  in 
imagination,  among  the  gigantic  ruins  of  states  and  em- 
pires, and  marking  the  tremendous  convulsions  that 
wrought  their  overthrow,  the  bosom  of  the  melancholy 
inquirer  swells  with  sympathy  commensurate  to  the  sur- 
rounding desolation.  Kingdoms,  principalities,  and  powers 
have  each  had  their  rise,  their  progress,  and  their  downfall 
— each  in  its  turn  has  swayed  a potent  scepter — each  has 
returned  to  its  primeval  nothingness.  And  thus  did  it  fare 
with  the  empire  of  their  High  Mightinesses  at  the  Manhat- 
toes  under  the  peaceful  reign  of  Walter  the  Doubter,  the 
fretful  reign  of  William  the  Testy,  and  the  chivalric  reign 
of  Peter  the  Headstrong. 

Its  history  is  fruitful  of  instruction  and  worthy  of  being 
pondered  over  attentively,  for  it  is  by  thus  raking  among 
the  ashes  of  departed  greatness  that  the  sparks  of  true 
knowledge  are  to  be  found  and  the  lamp  of  wisdom  illumin- 
ated. Let,  then,  the  reign  of  Walter  the  Doubter  warn 
against  yielding  to  that  sleek,  contented  security  and  that 
over  weening  fondness  for  comfort  and  repose  which  are 
produced  by  a state  of  prosperity  and  peace.  These  tend 
to  unnerve  a nation,  to  destroy  its  pride  of  character,  to 
render  it  patient  of  insult,  deaf  to  the  calls  of  honor  and 
of  justice,  and  cause  it  to  cling  to  peace,  like  the  sluggard 
to  his  pillow,  at  the  expense  of  every  valuable  duty  and 
consideration,  Such  supineness  ensures  the  very  evil  from 


328 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


which  it  shrinks.  One  right  yielded  up  produces  the  usur- 
pation of  a second;  one  encroachment  passively  suffered 
makes  way  for  another;  and  the  nation  which  thus,  through 
a doting  love  of  peace,  has  sacrificed  honor  and  interest 
will  at  length  have  to  fight  for  existence. 

Let  the  disastrous  reign  of  William  the  Testy  serve  as  a 
salutary  warning  against  that  fitful,  feverish  mode  of  legis- 
lation which  acts  without  system,  depends  on  shifts  and 
projects,  and  trusts  to  lucky  contingencies;  which  hesitates 
and  wavers,  and  at  length  decides  with  the  rashness  of 
ignorance  and  imbecility:  which  stoops  for  popularity  by 
courting  the  prejudices  and  flattering  the  arrogance,  rather 
than  commanding  the  respect  of  the  rabble,  which  seeks 
safety  in  a multitude  of  councilors,  and  distracts  itself  by 
a variety  of  contradictory  schemes  and  opinions;  which 
mistakes  procrastination  for  wariness,  hurry  for  decision, 
parsimony  for  economy,  bustle  for  business,  and  vaporing 
for  valor;  which  is  violent  in  council,  sanguine  in  ex- 
pectation, precipitate  in  action,  and  feeble  in  execution; 
which  undertakes  enterprises  without  forethought,  enters 
upon  them  without  preparation,  conducts  them  without 
energy,  and  ends  them  in  confusion  and  defeat. 

Let  the  reign  of  the  good  Stuyvesant  show  the  effects  of 
vigor  and  decision,  even  when  destitute  of  cool  judgment 
and  surrounded  by  perplexities.  Let  it  show  how  frank- 
ness, probity,  and  high-souled  courage  will  command  re- 
spect and  secure  honor,  even  where  success  is  unattainable. 
But  at  the  same  time  let  it  caution  against  a too  ready  re- 
liance on  the  good  faith  of  others,  and  a too  honest  confi- 
dence in  the  loving  professions  of  powerful  neighbors,  who  are 
most  friendly  when  they  most  mean  to  betray.  Let  it  teach 
a judicious  attention  to  the  opinions  and  wishes  of  the 
many,  who  in  times  of  peril  must  be  soothed  and  led, 
or  apprehension  will  overpower  the  deference  to  authority. 

Let  the  empty  worldliness  of  his  factious  subjects,  their 
intemperate  harangues,  their  violent  “resolutions,”  their 
hectorings  against  an  absent  enemy,  and  their  pusillan- 
imity on  his  approach  teach  us  to  distrust  and  despise  those 
clamorous  patriots  whose  courage  dwells  but  in  the 
tongue.  Let  them  serve  as  a lesson  to  repress  that  insolence 
of  speech,  destitute  of  real  force,  which  too  often  breaks 
forth  in  popular  bodies,  and  bespeaks  the  vanity  rather 
than  the  spirit  of  a nation.  Let  them  caution  us  against 


HISTORY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


329 


vaunting  too  much  of  our  own  power  and  prowess  and  re- 
viling a noble  enemy.  True  gallantry  of  soul  would 
always  lead  us  to  treat  a foe  with  courtesy  and  proud  punc- 
tilio; a contrary  conduct  but  takes  from  the  merit  of  vic- 
tory and  renders  defeat  doubly  disgraceful. 

But  I cease  to  dwell  on  the  stores  of  excellent  examples 
to  be  drawn  from  the  ancient  chronicles  of  the  Manhattoes. 
He  who  reads  attentively  will  discover  the  threads  of  gold 
which  run  throughout  the  web  of  history  and  are  inyisible 
to  the  dull  eye  of  ignorance.  But  before  I conclude  let 
me  point  out  a solemn  warning,  furnished  in  the  subtle 
chain  of  events  by  which  the  capture  of  Fort  Oasimir  has 
produced  the  present  convulsions  of  our  globe. 

Attend  then,  gentle  reader,  to  this  plain  deduction, 
which,  if  thou  art  a king,  an  emperor,  or  other  powerful 
potentate,  I advise  thee  to  treasure  up  in  thy  heart,  though 
little  expectation  have  I that  my  work  will  fall  into  such 
hands,  for  well  I know  the  care  of  crafty  ministers  to  keep 
all  grave  and  edifying  books  of  the  kind  out  of  the  way  of 
unhappy  monarchs,  lest  perad venture  they  should  read 
them  and  learn  wisdom. 

By  the  treacherous  surprisal  of  Fort  Casimir,  then,  did 
the  crafty  Swedes  enjoy  a transient  triumph,  but  drew  upon 
their  heads  the  vengeance  of  Peter  Stuyvesant,  who  wrested 
all  New  Sweden  from  their  hands.  By  the  conquest  of 
New  Sweden,  Peter  Stuyvesant  aroused  the  claims  of  Lord 
Baltimore,  who  appealed  to  the  Cabinet  of  Great  Britain, 
who  subdued  the  whole  province  of  New  Netherlands.  By 
this  great  achievement  the  whole  extent  of  North  America, 
from  Nova  Scotia  to  the  Floridas,  was  rendered  one  entire 
dependency  upon  the  British  Crown.  But  mark  the  con- 
sequence : the  hitherto  scattered  colonies  being  thus  consol- 
idated, and  having  no  rival  colonies  to  check  or  keep  them 
in  awe,  waxed  great  and  powerful,  and,  finally  becoming 
too  strong  for  the  mother-country,  were  enabled  to  shake 
off  its  bonds  and  by  a glorious  Revolution  became  an  inde- 
pendent empire.  But  the  chain  of  effects  stopped  not  here  : 
the  successful  revolution  in  America  produced  the  sanguin- 
ary revolution  in  France,  which  produced  the  puissant 
Bonaparte,  who  produced  the  French  despotism  which  has 
thrown  the  whole  world  in  confusion  ! Thus  have  these 
great  powers  been  successively  punished  for  their  ill-starred 
conquests,  and  thus,  as  I asserted,  have  all  the  present  con- 


330 


ms  TO  BY  OF  NEW  YOBK 


vulsions,  revolutions,  and  disasters  that  overwhelm  man- 
kind originated  in  the  capture  of  the  little  Fort  Casimir,  as 
recorded  in  this  eventful  history. 

And  now,  worthy  reader,  ere  I take  a sad  farewell — 
which,  alas ! must  be  forever — willingly  would  I part  in 
cordial  fellowship  and  bespeak  thy  kind-hearted  remem- 
brance. That  I have  not  written  a better  history  of  the 
days  of  the  patriarchs  is  not  my  fault ; had  any  other  per- 
son written  one  as  good  I should  not  have  attempted  it  at 
all.  That  many  will  hereafter  spring  up  and  surpass  me 
in  excellence  I have  very  little  doubt,  and  still  less  care, 
well-knowing  that  when  the  great  Christovallo  Colon  (who 
is  vulgarly  called  Columbus)  had  once  stood  his  egg  upon  its 
end,  every  one  at  table  could  stand  his  up  a thousand  times 
more  dextrously.  Should  any  reader  find  matter  of  of- 
fense in  this  history,  I should  heartily  grieve,  though  I 
would  on  no  account  question  his  penetration  by  telling 
him  he  was  mistaken,  his  good  nature  by  telling  him  he 
was  captious,  or  his  pure  conscience  by  telling  him  he  was 
startled  at  a shadow.  Surely  when  so  ingenious  in  finding 
offense  where  none  was  intended,  it  were  a thousand  pities  he 
should  not  be  suffered  to  enjoy  the  benefit  of  his  discovery. 

I have  too  high  an  opinion  of  the  understanding  of  my 
fellow-citizens  to  think  of  yielding  them  instruction,  and  I 
covet  too  much  their  good  will  to  forfeit  it  by  giving  them 
good  advice.  I am  none  of  those  cynics  who  despise  the 
world  because  it  despises  them  ; on  the  contrary,  though 
but  low  in  its  regard,  I look  up  to  it  with  the  most  perfect 
good  nature,  and  my  only  sorrow  is  that  it  does  not  prove 
itself  more  worthy  of  the  unbounded  love  I bear  it. 

If,  however,  in  this  my  historic  production,  the  scanty 
fruit  of  a long  and  laborious  life,  I have  failed  to  gratify 
the  dainty  palate  of  the  age,  I can  only  lament  my  misfort- 
une, for  it  is  too  late  in  the  season  for  me  even  to  hope  to 
repair  it.  Already  has  withering  age  showered  his  sterile 
snows  upon  my  brow  ; in  a little  while  and  this  genial 
warmth  which  still  lingers  around  my  heart  and  throbs — 
worthy  reader,  throbs  kindly — toward  thyself  will  be 
chilled  forever.  Haply,  this  frail  compound  of  dust,  which 
while  alive  may  have  given  birth  to  naught  but  unprofit- 
able weeds,  may  form  an  humble  sod  of  the  valley,  whence 
may  spring  many  a sweet  wild  flower  to  adorn  my  beloved 
island  of  Manna-hata  ! 


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Vanity  Fair.  By  William  M.  Thack- 
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Virginians,  The.  By  William  M. 
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Water  Witch,  The.  By  James  Fen- 
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Wee  Wifie.  By  Rosa  N.  Carey. 

Westward  Ho!  By  Charles  Kingsley. 

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White  Company,  The.  By  A. 

Conan  Doyle. 

Wing-and-Wing.  By  James  Feni- 
more Cooper. 

Woman  in  White,  The.  By  Wilkie 
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Won  by  Waiting.  By  Edna  Lyall. 
Wooing  O’T.  By  Mrs.  Alexander. 


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Why,  When  and  Where.  A dictionary  of  rare  and  curious 
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Dr.  Danelson’s  Counselor,  with  Recipes.  A trusty  guide  for 
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The  National  Standard  History  of  the  United  States.  A com- 
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“A  mass  of  information  in  a handy  form,  easy  of  access  whenever  occasion 
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Readers1  Reference  Hand-Book.  Comprising  “ A Handy  Clas- 
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“ It  is  a handy  volume  to  be  lying  on  the  table  for  reference.”— Zion's  Herald 
Boston. 

The  National  Standard  Dictionary.  A pronouncing  lexicon  of 
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information.  600  pages.  Cloth,  12mo,  price  $1.00. 

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Courier- Journal^  Louisville . 

The  Usages  of  the  Best  Society.  A manual  of  social  etiquette. 

By  Frances  Stevens.  Cloth,  16mo,  price  50  cents. 

“ Will  be  found  useful  by  all  who  wish  to  obtain  instruction  on  matters  relat- 
ing to  social  usage  and  society.”— DemoresVs  Magazine . 

A Handy  Dictionary  of  Synonyms,  with  which  are  combined 
the  words  opposite  in  meaning.  For  the  use  of  those  who  would 
speak  or  write  the  English  language  fluently  and  correctly.  By  H. 
C.  Faulkner.  Cloth,  16mo,  price  50  cents. 

“ Will  be  found  of  great  value  to  those  who  are  not  experienced  in  speech  or 
with  pen.” — Brooklyn  Eagle . 

Talks  With  Homely  Girls  on  Health  and  Beauty.  Their  Pres- 
ervation and  Cultivation.  By  Frances  M.  Smith.  Cloth,  16mo< 
price  50  cents. 

“ She  recommends  no  practices  which  are  not  in  accord  with  hygienic  laws, 
so  that  her  book  is  really  a valuable  little  guide.”— Petersons  Magazine. 

A Handy  Classical  and  Mythological  Dictionary.  For  popu- 
lar use,  with  70  illustrations.  By  H.  C.  Faulkner.  Cloth,  16mos 
price  50  cents. 

“ It  is  often  convenient  to  have  a small  book  at  hand  in  order  to  find  out  tha 
meaning  of  the  classical  allusions  of  the  day,  when  it  is  troublesome  and  cum- 
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many  of  the  mythological  heroes.” — Providence  Journal. 

Famous  People  of  All  Ages.  Who  they  were,  when  they  lived, 
and  why  they  are  famous.  By  W.  H.  Van  Orden.  Cloth,  16mo, 
price  50  cents. 

“ An  excellent  hand-book,  giving  in  a compact  form  biographies  of  the  per- 
sons in  whom  the  student  and  writer  would  naturally  take  most  interest. 
Hew  York  Tribune. 


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